Cybill (1995) s01e08 Episode Script

Thank you for making me look good.
Cybill, that was a fabulous audition.
- You sure? - Am I sure? Forget about me.
I'm just a casting director.
You had Robert De Niro crying in there.
And what about Mr Scorsese? He loved you! I knew I had Marty when he put down his hoagie.
Cybill, believe me, you are exactly the fresh face we've been looking for.
Oh, Andy, you have no idea what a break this would be for me! We have to meet one more actress, more of a favour, and then we'll close your deal.
Thank you, Andy.
Thank you so much.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Miss Stone.
So good of you to do us this favour.
Miss Stone? Sharon Stone.
That's good.
Let it out.
They said they wanted a fresh face.
Her face isn't fresh.
Mine is.
My fresh is face.
OK.
That's enough.
- Hey, I just thought of something.
- What? You are giving me the same pity look I usually give you.
You're sober, aren't you? One of us drunk is amusing and colourful.
Both of us drunk is just pathetic.
- Ah, you love me, don't you? - Unconditionally.
You dropped everything to cheer me up, you even let me horn in on lunch with your friend.
- Where is she anyway? - She'll be here.
She isn't your best friend, is she? I am, right? I am your very best friend in the whole wide world.
Cut her off and bring me a double vodka.
- Hi.
Am I late? - Oh, not at all.
Claire, this is my friend Cybill.
Her best friend.
Nice to meet you, Cybill.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- For what? - I'm getting a strong sense of loss.
- You're mourning a loss, aren't you? - How'd you know? Cybill, Claire is one of the finest psychics in Beverly Hills.
You've lost something with a D.
Is it Dan, Don? - Dignity.
- De Niro.
That's amazing.
- Claire predicted my divorce.
- That was just common sense.
Can you tell me why my life sucks? I don't do usually do readings in restaurants.
Please! Just a quickie.
I suppose we could try a quick reading.
Just relax.
Oh, my.
I'm-I'm sensing a very negative energy hovering near you.
- I know, but she's my best friend.
- Hey.
It's in your house, a dark cloud blocking the sun from shining on your life.
- Oh, you mean Jeff? - Jeff.
Her ex-husband, he lives over the garage.
I knew that.
I'm not sure.
I'm having trouble focusing.
I am too.
If this presence stays in your house, I don't see things getting better for you.
Bummer! OK, I think that's enough for now.
- Menu? - That's OK.
I'll have the red snapper.
- I'm sorry.
We're out of the snapper.
- No, you're not.
Ooh, Maryann.
I had a dream about you last night.
Do tell.
I saw you with a very intense, dark-haired man.
I saw this man as your soul mate, the fulfilment of all your hopes and dreams.
He must own a liquor store.
Ow! That hurt.
What else? Is he rich? Single? I'm not sure about rich, but he is definitely single.
This is the confusing part.
I got the sense that he does something with words, papers or letters.
Ooh, I know! It's Ira.
Ira's your soul mate.
He's my other ex-husband.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You know him.
He's got dark hair.
He's a writer, so he works with paper, letters and words.
And he's neurotic, which is Jewish for intense.
Cybill, you're drunk.
It's not Ira.
Please tell me it's not Ira.
I don't know.
It could be.
? Maryann and Ira sitting in a tree K-l-M-O-U-S-E? Wait a minute.
That's not right.
? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Oh, God.
My head is splitting open.
Cybill, you can't have a hangover.
You haven't passed out yet.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, Mom.
Oh, wow, where are you going? I'm spending the night at Julie's.
We'll do our homework.
Don't worry, her parents'll drive us to school in the morning.
Let me call Julie's mom and make sure she knows about your food allergies.
- I'll tell her.
- I'll tell her.
I hate you.
- No parents at Julie's house? - Close.
There's no Julie.
- Hey, ladies.
- Hey, dark cloud.
- We're having a little celebration.
- Who's we? - I found the champagne glasses.
- Great, honey.
Bring a couple more.
Cybill, Maryann, say hi to Kersten.
(Both) Hi, Kersten.
Actually, it's Kirsten.
It's Swedish, like the meatball.
There's a Kirsten meatball? Apparently.
You're looking at the new love of my life.
Great, isn't she? You're terrible.
Cybill, I don't know how you ever put up with him.
I didn't.
That's why he's available for you.
- Amateur.
- Thank you.
Jeff, so I can fully enjoy the moment, what are we celebrating? - Kirsten got an acting job today.
- It was my first audition ever and I landed a part as Sharon Stone's little sister in Robert De Niro's new movie.
(Jeff) Cheers.
What's next for you? Frogs, locusts or boils? Let's finish celebrating up in my room.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Enjoy your sex.
- Are you OK, pal? - I'm having a bad day, Maryann.
I'll say.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? I don't know.
When I was a little girl and I had a bad day, my mom used to make me a stack of French toast.
If French toast will cheer you up, then French toast you shall have.
- You'd do that for me? - I'd do anything for you.
Now, um Where do you keep your French toaster? Who knew bread was so flammable? - How is it? - Mm-mm.
It's kinda crunchy.
I'm just curious.
When was the last time you cooked? This was the last time I cooked.
- Hey, Cyb.
I need to talk to you.
- I'm not home.
- Come on.
It's about Zoey.
- What's she done now? - Nothing, but this may upset you.
- Course it will.
Haven't you heard? I live under a dark cloud.
Come on.
Wanna see me get struck by lightning? - Did I miss something? - Here I am! Give me your best shot! Cybill, get back in here this minute.
Monkey had a bad day.
- Can't even get hit by lightning.
- I'll leave you two alone.
Is that a good idea? Ira, if you were to pick two words to describe yourself, what would they be? - Excuse me? - Come on, humour me.
Two words.
I don't know.
Dark and intense.
(Nervous giggle) I have to call my psychic.
Believe me, Ira, you don't wanna know.
What didn't Zoey do that's gonna upset me? There's no easy way to say this.
Zoey wants to live with me for a while.
What would anybody wanna live with you for? - Thanks.
- Sorry.
That came out wrong.
It's no big deal.
You two have been at each other's throats and Zoey wants a breather.
All mothers and daughters go through this.
It'll be good for both of you.
And Zoey and me can spend more time together.
Oh, please, Ira.
She sold you a bill of goods.
She just wants to run amuck.
There is no amuck running at my house.
She spends the occasional Saturday night at Julie's.
Julie's? Oh, yeah.
This is a great idea.
(Thunder) I'm calling about my car.
I brought it in this morning.
The red Dodge Dart.
Well, there's a good reason for that.
Somebody did hit it with a golf club.
OK, if you must know, I was having an audition a couple of days ago, and I accidentally parked in Jack Nicholson's space.
- How much to replace the windshield? - (Car horn beeps) How much?! - Just fix it.
- Well, Dad's here.
Bye.
Wait.
You move out after 16 years and that's all you can say? Bye? Um, thanks for the food.
Come here.
Oh, God.
I knew I should have left when you were asleep.
You know I don't want you to go.
You have any idea how much I'm gonna miss you? You're going to tell me, aren't you? Just remember, you can come back any time you want.
Thanks.
See you.
By the way, I gave your father a list of all your friends, real and imaginary.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
We had a nice, long talk about Daddy's little girl.
He now understands the French Club does not have away games.
Have fun.
(Phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Arthur.
Arthur? My agent Arthur? How have I been doing? Lousy.
I'm out of work, my car is wrecked, my roof is leaking and to top it off, my daughter just moved out.
What? I got a national commercial? (Chorus of heavenly voices) Hey.
It's stopped raining.
- Oh, my God! - I told you.
I lost three pounds.
How can that happen? - Maybe the scale was wrong.
- Shut up.
Things have been going really well for me this week.
Jack Nicholson sent me a cheque for my windshield.
He even apologised.
Said he was having a bad-hair day.
It's almost as if a dark cloud has lifted.
What, that psychic thing? Jeff didn't move out.
- No, but Zoey did.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
My daughter is not a dark cloud.
As a matter of fact, I miss her a lot.
- But your luck has changed.
- Yeah, I'll tell you how.
Look.
There's Garlic Norm.
He's only come to get on the cycle next to mine and sweat pesto sauce while looking down my leotard.
- Hi.
- Hi.
He's too cute.
He's probably gay.
- OK, wasn't gay.
- He was a flaming heterosexual.
- I'm telling you - I'm not listening.
I can't hear you.
Your life has turned around since the curse of Zoey ? Zoey! How I love her, how I love her ? My dear old Zoey? Aren't you supposed to sing that down on one knee? You see, my dark cloud remains, and his pet buffalo.
- Got any plastic garbage bags? - Under the sink.
Don't let your Swedish meatball play with them unsupervised.
Be nice to Kirsten.
She's my new roommate.
- That woman is not moving in.
- Keep your powder dry.
She's got her own house.
I'm moving in with her.
- You're moving out? - I need the garbage bags to pack.
My, my.
It just keeps getting better and better.
OK, I've had a little luck, but it has nothing to do with Zoey.
Claire is good.
She is one good psychic.
Oh, hey, Cyb.
Forgot to give you this.
It's for rent, utilities, groceries, all the inconvenience.
- Jeff, this is a lot of money.
- You deserve it.
Thanks a lot.
- Convinced yet? - Convinced of what? That my daughter's a curse on my life? Because I've lost weight, got a great job, had my ex-husband move out and write a cheque? - Uh-huh.
- She's a curse.
Nobody's kid's perfect.
I love her, Maryann.
I miss having her around.
She's smart, she's funny, she's, er tall.
- Tall? - She's my daughter.
- I don't need a reason to miss her.
- (Phone) - Hi, this is Cybill and Say it.
- (Zoey) I don't want to.
It's stupid.
(Cybill) Oh, come on.
- (Zoey) Zoey, OK? Zoey.
- (Cybill) All together now.
(Both) Don't be a creep.
Wait for the beep.
(Zoey) Help! I'm being held hostage by an insane woman.
(Beep) Zoey! - What? - Don't just yell "What?".
Come here.
Well, then don't just yell "Zoey".
Yell "Come here".
Come here, now! Jawohl, mein Herr! Very nice.
Have you been messing with my computer? - No.
- Three chapters have disappeared.
Oh, them.
I thought they were dry and pedantic, so I erased them.
- What? - I didn't touch your computer.
No challenge in hacking in a machine protected by the secret password Ira.
Two weeks' work gone.
Whoa! Where you going? - Out.
- You have your beeper? - Dad.
- Take your beeper.
- Forget it.
- Then you're not going out.
- Daddy, don't you trust me? - Take the beeper.
All right.
Chill! (Smashing glass) Oh.
That can't be good.
- (Cybill) Hi, honey.
- Here come the border guards.
- What are you doing out here? - I like to wave at the planes.
Smart, funny, tall and sarcastic.
- Your favourite pizza.
- I'm not hungry.
That's good, because we ate most of it on the way.
- Maryann, would you give us a minute? - Absolutely.
Hmph.
This is the first time I've ever been thrown into a house.
So - How are you doing? - Great.
Great.
Nice beeper.
Yeah, all the better crack dealers are wearing them.
- Why does it keep saying "error"? - I'm trying to find a lost file.
And I think I may have found it.
- Do it later.
We need to talk.
- No! - What was that? - Who knows? He does it all the time.
- You gonna beg me to come home? - No.
You want me to? No, I'm really enjoying it here.
(Ira) Oh, God.
I'm cursed! I can see why.
I poured my heart and soul into those 40 pages.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
Just write it again.
What dark satanic force brought you here? I came with Cybill.
Listen, here's what I wanna talk to you about.
You and I have known each other for a long time, and you always saw me as Mrs Richard Thorpe, and I always saw you as Mr Cybill Sheridan.
But now we're both free agents.
Oh, Jeez.
I know this may sound strange, ridiculous, grotesque, even, but have you ever toyed with the possibility? - No.
- Me neither.
But But, but, but, but, but my-my psychic thinks that you and I are soul mates.
I see.
Do you believe everything your psychic says? That depends.
How's your luck been lately? Horrible.
Well, there's your answer.
Answer? I don't know what the hell we're talking about.
- I know I sound like a broken record - The door is always open.
It is.
I really miss you.
I even miss arguing with you.
- I don't argue.
You argue.
- See? I miss that.
- Maryann, have you lost your mind? - (Crashing) Ira's not my soul mate.
Quick, run.
Oh, joy.
Another beautiful sunny day in Southern California.
- Zoey.
- Oh, you're up.
- What's going on? - I'm moving back in.
Oh, God, that's great! That's so great! If you get all gooby on me, I'm out the door, I mean it.
You missed me, didn't you? - Accept that I'm back and move on.
- Come on, Zoey.
Throw me a bone.
All right, you're slightly less annoying than Dad.
Honey.
My dirty laundry is in the bag.
I'm going up to my room.
Leave me alone.
Got it.
Leaving you alone.
I did miss you a little.
(Crash of thunder) ? Let a smile be your umbrella ? On a rainy, rainy day? They pull my commercial just because the product causes cancer? What doesn't cause cancer? Thanks for calling, Arthur.
- You were in my room.
Admit it.
- Was not.
Your hair is in my brush.
OK.
I was feeling a little Ionely for you and I used your brush.
- That is so sick.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
I'm going to the movies with Annie.
No problem.
Annie is real.
That reminds me.
I got you a beeper.
A beeper? I can't believe this.
What am I, a child? - Psych.
- Ten bucks? - (Door bell) - For the movies.
Good to be home, isn't it? Yeah, I can be bought.
Major mudslide at Kirsten's.
You didn't give away my room yet, did you? I'm sorry, Claire, but I'm cancelling my reading.
Why? Because my furniture has more psychic powers than you do.
- (Door bell) - I made a fool of myself.
I threw myself at a man because you said he was my soul mate.
I almost killed him.
- Certified letter.
Sign here, please.
- You did.
You said someone in my life, dark, intense, works with paper and letters.
You're a big, fat fake.
Thank you.
Someday.
Someday she'll notice me.
? Let a smile be your umbrella ? On a rainy, rainy day?