Dads s01e08 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Wow, video game tennis.
I had no idea my son was such a gifted fake athlete.
We got to practice.
We're partners in the SFVTT.
I already don't care what it is.
It's the San Francisco Virtual Tennis Tournament I was right not to care.
Hey, David.
Hey, Crawford.
Camila, two martinis.
I don't need one.
I know.
Can you believe this nonsense? When we were kids, you actually did things.
You wanted to play tennis, you played tennis.
Well, and we didn't have computers then, so basically tennis was the only way to see women's underwear.
Video games are why this country's going to hell.
By the time I was his age, I already had a family and left them.
Look, I'm having fun with my best friend.
That's an experience you've never had.
I got friends.
No, you don't.
Name me one friend you've got besides Crawford.
Edna.
My maid? What's her last name? All right, you got me.
But I could make friends in two seconds.
How could you make friends? M-Maybe if you were in a plane crash and survived, you could have weird survival friends, but there is no way that you could have personality-based friends in a non-plane-crash setting.
Boy, it'd be so much easier to make friends if we were Mormons.
We'd have 18 brothers and sisters right in the bedroom.
Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Ah.
Yep, scotch definitely tastes better when you're wearing pajamas.
Whether it's that last one at night or that first one in the morning.
That was pretty cute when Eli said you were his best friend.
Yeah.
He's a cute kid.
Is he your best friend? Course not, honey.
And You are.
Good.
'Cause I was thinking I could be your teammate this year in the tennis tournament.
I can't do that to Eli.
He's my best friend.
We have no activities together.
What are you talking about? We take long, silent car rides together all the time.
Can't Eli just find another partner? Well, you know, it's hard for redheads to make friends.
'Cause people subconsciously think they're evil.
Well, I am off to my twin bed.
Say good night to the missus.
Honey, couples do things together all the time.
Jen and Bob play golf.
Well, that's because he feels bad for cheating on her.
Zack and Beth have karaoke.
That's because Zack feels bad for hooking up with Bob.
Lucas and Moira go rock climbing.
But he's trying to kill her.
He's-he's gonna cut the rope.
It's a Dateline waiting to happen.
Seriously, baby, what do we do together? We-we talk about other couples.
All right.
I just thought it would be something fun for us to do together, but I guess I was wrong.
Oh, come on.
Not the sad walk.
It's not I'm not gonna fall for it.
Nah, n-no.
Not this time.
No.
What's wrong? Oh, nothing.
I'm just trying to figure out a way to tell Eli that Camila's my new tennis partner.
Oh, how are you gonna do that? Well, I-I wrote some stuff down that maybe I could Go for it.
Okay, uh First, how much I-I love him as a friend and I value his partnership.
Uh next, I slipped in a little joke.
And then I, uh, reminded him of the good times we had together, then a second smaller joke, this and that and then, uh, I hit him hard with the bad news, but I just don't think I can say it to his face.
So text him.
Really? I can't text him.
That's so cowardly.
I mean, come on.
That's ridi Oh, here he is.
And send.
Hey, guys.
Aw.
It was good times.
Not as good as the first one but still-still funny.
One second.
I didn't get it.
Oh, I sent it to Edna.
Not cool, man.
Where do you want this, Eli? Oh.
Perfect.
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
We're best friends.
Talk to me.
It's upside down.
No, it's not.
Look, I know you're really disappointed, but my wife wants to be my tennis partner and she comes first.
Well, not in that way.
Well, okay, sometimes.
Okay, once and I still have no idea what I did.
Look, I know you want to do fun stuff with Camila, but virtual tennis was ours.
How would she like it if I went to your house and ironed your clothes and had your kids? I think she'd be very, very confused.
I'm very confused right now.
I don't even know my own name! It's Eli.
That doesn't sound right.
Do you want to lie down right now? No.
I want to find another partner.
Well, okay.
That's the spirit, Eli.
I don't know who that is! Yeah.
No, no, no, Jeff.
I totally understand.
Hey, what are you doing after chemo? Fine.
People are so selfish! So, all your friends coming through for you? Not now, Dad.
The movie Castaway got it right.
Friends can be replaced by an inflatable ball.
You know, I just lost my actual best friend.
I could use a little bit of support.
There's no such thing as a best friend.
Even dogs aren't your best friends.
What are you talking about? If you were to die in your apartment, within 24 hours, your "best friend" would be eating your face.
Remember how you picked up his poop for five years? He doesn't.
He's got your ear in his mouth, tail wagging, having a grand old time.
Dad, if you really want to help me, maybe you can be my partner in this tennis tournament.
If there's anything in my personality that has given rise to the belief that I would help you with this, I truly apologize.
Is easy, Mr.
David.
Like feather duster.
Feather, dust.
Feather, dust.
Feather, dust.
Feather, dust.
Oh, my God.
E-Edna, you're amazing.
Wait, a-are you busy tomorrow? I spend eight hours a day cleaning two rooms.
Yeah, I got time.
Well, here it is, the Super Bowl of the participation ribbon generation.
You know who I love to watch play tennis? Those Williams brothers.
Amazing.
And now, for our final match of the day, Warner and Camila Whittemore Yes! Yes! versus Eli and Ed-na! Oh.
So, this is the other woman I've been hearing so much about.
Eli, I've known you for 15 years.
- Yeah? Well, I've known him for 25.
- Okay, guys, this is not a competition.
The competition will now begin.
Team Whittemore to serve.
Point, Edna.
Love-15.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay, you're doing great.
Okay? You're doing great.
Okay.
Would you look at those legs! Yeah, we Whittemore men are known for our great legs.
You know, once I was wearing short shorts in New York City and two cabs just drove right up on the sidewalk.
One of them hit a fire hydrant, and five minutes later, it was an ethnic water park.
Game and first set, Eli and Edna! Yeah! Oh, great partner choice, buddy.
Look, I need you to pick it up, all right? You wanted to be partner, so let's go, all right? I love you.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love.
How do you know Edna? Who's Edna? We just came from a Dane Cook show.
How was it? It sucked.
Match point, Eli and Edna.
All right, honey, we just need to win 212 points in a row, okay? Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Eli and Edna are your virtual tennis champions! She cheated! She's on steroids! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, dude, relax.
Oh, yeah! Great advice! That's you, isn't it? Mr.
Relaxed.
Never doing anything at work.
Hey, I'm really cool 'cause I'm wearing a T-shirt and I'm 40 years old.
Okay, Werner, stop it! Oh, my gosh, you are making a fool of yourself right now.
I-I'm making a fool of myself?! You totally blew that last shot, honey.
No.
I almost got that last shot, but you pushed me out of the way.
Oh! Was that the one shot you were gonna make? Yay! You didn't make one! You know what? 'Cause almost is good enough.
And Jar Jar Binks was almost funny.
And America almost won Vietnam! Hey, let's celebrate, huh? Don't look at me.
Well, you know, if you go by body count, we did win the Vietnam War.
So, who wants to start? Uh, well, I think Warner should start.
Yeah, me, too.
Warner, why do you think you're all here today? Uh 'cause 'cause I got a little upset.
A little upset? Yeah.
You compared me to Jar Jar Binks.
Yeah, and you smashed a TV.
That was an inner- city school, man.
They're not gonna get another one of those.
Warner, can you explain where your anger came from, why you felt the need to manifest it physically? Uh no.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that your wife doesn't respect our friendship.
Maybe it's because your best friend doesn't realize your wife and children need you.
Need him?! More like need to smother him.
What about your need to keep him working late so you have someone around to laugh at your dumb movie references.
From hell's heart I stab at thee! Wrath of Khan.
Thank you.
So what? I'm his wife.
Yeah, I saw him naked before you did.
Is there a sexual element to this relationship? No.
No.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
No.
No.
You know, I'm hearing a lot of "no," which makes me think that words may be failing us here.
Come with me.
Okay.
Oh.
This is cool.
Hey, do you party? This is our nonverbal communication room.
What does that mean? It allows you to express your emotions using the pure truth of sound.
Yeah, you party.
Please.
So, uh w-we just choose a drum or what? The drum will choose you.
All right, just pick one.
Now let me start the conversation.
No.
Put the drum down.
I can't.
Hey.
You want to hang out tonight? Well, I would love to hang out with you, because you are a great friend and I value our time together but I'm doing something with Camila, who's also a great friend, and a generous lover.
I am so glad to hear that.
And while I am disappointed that I won't get to see you, I appreciate you communicating your plan to me.
Well communication is the basis for a strong friendship.
Which is what we have.
To friendship.
To friendship.
What the hell is going on? Well, Eli and I worked some stuff out in therapy.
You should try it.
Ugh, no way Asians don't believe in therapy.
We have on-off switches.
Oh.
I'd like to hear more about this.
Are you free tonight? And off.
So, things good with Camila? Oh, yeah, we made up big-time last night.
This time she brought me the towel.
She is such a generous lover.
Yeah.
How did things end up with you and the therapist? So she's not pressing charges? You have to stay a hundred yards away at all times? Oh, 50.
Okay, nice, yeah.
You guys, come on! Oh! Are you ready to get your Tiger Woods on?! Sí­.
He best Mexican golfer ever.
No, uh, Tiger Woods is black plus Asian.
Sí­.
Equal Mexican!