Dan Vs. (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

( medieval music plays ) Man: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse they name.
Or if thou wilt not, but-but sworn my love Oh, this is terrible.
Come on.
- Shh! - Shh! Why are they shushing me? It's those apple-johns onstage who are butchering the material.
Please be quiet.
You're disturbing the other patrons.
- Oops.
- Ow! You scalded me, you jackanape! Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.
What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage? All right, sir, it is time for you to make haste.
You don't tell me what to make.
Unhand me! ( yells ) - ( thuds ) - ( groans ) Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material.
It's the Bard, for crying out loud.
No respect.
Sir, there's no loitering here.
I'm not loitering.
I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends.
Well, my friend and his wife.
Sure, you are.
Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless-- I'm not homeless! Then here's your ticket for loitering.
- Loitering? - Move along, sir.
Don't make me arrest you.
It's never-ending with this place.
Got the cops on the take.
Why didn't you just go home? Because I wanted to share with you how awful I thought that play was.
It was awful.
Why aren't you two angry? I'm angry.
I'll admit it wasn't very good, but that theater's kind of sentimental for us.
Chris took me there on our first date.
- And you're still with him? - Hey.
I want my money back.
You didn't spend any money.
We bought your ticket, remember? Then I want your money back.
You have a good night, Dan.
No chance of that now.
Hey, Ty, great show tonight.
Oh, thanks.
Not as good as me, of course.
( slurps ) Oh, gross.
- My soda's warm.
- ( soda splashes ) That's the last straw.
Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre! ( medieval music plays ) So he's all, "The codpieces are for actors only," and I'm like, "Shut up.
" I know.
It's like, dude, don't tell me how to spend my day off.
Is this a mask I see before me? A suitably menacing mask with which to seek revenge.
( laughs evilly ) I need a cape.
The actors want a minifridge in their dressing room.
You're kidding.
Well, I guess we have to give it to them.
Can't have a theater company without actors, can we? Why, no.
No, you cannot.
( laughs evilly ) Excuse me.
Who are you? Hmm? Oh.
Uh, no one.
You know, just some guy in a mask.
Carry on.
He seemed nice.
( speed-dials ) ( phone rings ) Hello.
I've found a plan that sets my heart aglow.
With wicked glee, my vengeance all too near.
Without performers, there can't be a show, so one by one, I'll make them disappear.
Dan? Is that a-- is that a poem? Wait.
Do I have to write a poem now? Let's see.
Trapdoor opens with a pit of spikes beneath.
Sandbag falls from the rafter, crushing one of them.
Man: Hold right there, brigand.
Uh You don't frighten me with your tomatoes.
Ow.
Ow! Ow! That one was frozen.
You haven't seen the last of me.
( laughs evilly ) Out, damned spot.
Out, I say! Pick up, you runagate.
- ( cell phone rings ) - Chris: Hello.
Dan: We have to make them pay.
They bruised my face with frozen produce.
They are going down.
Come over right now.
Come over right now.
Nope.
I'm on a date.
- With Elise? - Yes, Dan.
You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? Okay, so what's the problem? They have ridiculous security.
I got inside earlier and was immediately set upon by a pack of rabid Shakespeareans.
Just give me a boost.
I think that window's unlocked.
Hey! Watch it.
( grunts ) Stupid thing.
Hang on.
I need better leverage.
Ow! My thumb.
What art thee doing peeking in yon window? Mind your own business.
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? I do bite my thumb sir.
Why are you guys wearing swords? You're not even onstage.
Alltheworld'sastage.
That's not even what that quote means.
Is too.
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? Is this guy being serious, Dan? Have at thee.
- ( groans ) - Hey! - ( grumbles ) - I am hurt.
A plague o' both your houses.
Yeah! Both of 'em! - My face hurts.
- You whine too much.
He hit me in the face with a sword.
I was there.
You don't hear me complaining about it.
Nice mask, Dan.
Hey.
Chris, are you okay? Oh, my gosh.
What happened to your face? Some actor whipped me with his fencing foil.
It's technically called an epee.
I tell you this so you don't look stupid for next time.
After all the times we've gone to see their plays-- And you just let this happen, Dan? Hold on.
It wasn't me.
It was some jerk named Ty.
An actor? They wear makeup.
He had a sword! You saw what he did to Chris.
You weren't there.
You don't know what it was like.
Atthe DinnerTheatre? There's a lot of shame and rage packed into those tights.
I guess I have to do everything myself.
Nobody beats my husband with an epee.
See? Epee.
You two wait here.
Why is everyone wearing masks today? Did I miss an email or something? I still say there's no way you'll be able to get in.
Hey, where'd she go? You're not supposed to be in here.
Andwho'sgoingtostop me? We are.
- ( Elise yells ) - ( blows landing ) Once Elise is done, she'll let me in, and then I can go about my plan of bringing down the theater by taking out the actors.
( laughs evilly ) So, seriously, why are you still wearing that mask? Helps me focus.
Plus I like it.
Besides, shut up.
Ch-yeah, ch-yeah.
( laughs ) Aw, Ty, you make a very handsome woman.
( laughs ) - You.
- Aah! It's for a role, why I'm dressed as a woman.
I'm a fan of your work, Ty your sword work.
That guy you whipped across the face, he's mine.
Security.
Oh, they're a bit bound and gagged at the moment.
( muffled conversation ) One more.
Get back.
Back, I say, or I'll smite you.
I've been training with bladed weapons since I was seven, but, okay, give it your best shot.
Yaah! Ow! Hey, that hurt.
- Help! Security! - Hah! - ( blows landing ) - ( Ty yells ) - Well, that's the end of that.
- What did you do? You're probably in better legal shape if I don't tell you.
Okay.
Fair enough.
I made this map for you.
It is complete with diagrams of the service tunnels, air ducts, electrical, plumbing, structural, everything.
Phone lines? Uh, no.
( sighs ) Well, it'll have to do.
You coming? I think I'll go home, give my face a chance to heal.
Typical.
Go on, then.
Elise, thank you.
I was never here.
( organ playing ) ( laughs evilly ) Hey, Ty and I were going to hit some mini golf.
You want to join us? Oh, thanks, but I can't.
They said it looks like rain today.
- So? - So I had ear surgery last year, and I can't get my ears wet, ever.
Yeah? That's weird.
Well, call me if you change your mind.
( yawns ) I'm pretty beat.
I think I'll take a nap instead.
Okay.
You want the rest of this? Why would I want the rest of your soda? I'll leave it here, I'll leave it here, you know, just in case.
( organ playing ) The time is nigh.
But soft, my conscience stirs.
( organ stops ) Nah.
( fizzing ) ( screams ) The foaming! It's so horrible, the foam! ( siren blaring ) - ( fizzing ) - Whew.
That's got to be the worst case of soda ear I've ever seen.
I guess you're Hamlet now.
I wanted it, it's true, but not like this.
No, not like this.
And who will play Laertes? We're short-staffed as it is.
I mean, sure, it's more stage time for me, but It's working.
More actors must meet their untimely fates.
Ooh, capes.
Aha! No, that one's wrong.
- ( donkey brays ) - ( shrieks ) You stupid, stuffed mule.
You nearly stopped my heart.
Hmm.
Light bulb.
Wow.
At last.
I'm Hamlet.
I need a whole new sword.
Not Hamlety enough.
Too piratey.
Oh.
Yeah.
( muffled grunting ) I'm sorry.
What was that? I can't hear you.
I didn't make a mouth hole.
( muffled grunts ) ( groans ) Or eyeholes.
Ouch.
( siren wailing ) ( muffled shouting ) It's all right, son.
You're going to be fine.
I just don't see how this could happen.
No? Well, I've seen it a million times.
Kids get crazy, glue stuff to themselves.
That makes the third such strange occurrence since this morning.
Really? I count two.
Plus Ty, who disappeared.
That's right.
You're down to a single actor.
You'll have to cancel the show.
( siren wailing ) Vengeance is mine.
( laughs evilly ) Did you hear something? Only my adoring fans.
So I'm Hamlet now? You're everybody now.
You're right.
I am! Aone-man showof"Hamlet," with me as the star! I've got to go throw up and run my lines.
The show's still on? With one actor? These guys are unstoppable.
I guess there's only one solution-- incite a riot.
- ( blows landing ) - ( grunting ) Elise: Stay out of the air, Chris.
- Chris: Oh, gross.
- ( bell rings ) You cut my guy in half.
- ( blows landing ) - ( grunting ) Did you get the mail today? I did.
We got some bills, a lot of junk.
Oh, and an invitation came from Dan.
- Dan? - Yeah, it's postmarked.
It was delivered by an actual mailman.
Weird.
What did he invite us to? A play.
Tonight's opening night of "Hamlet.
" Let me guess where.
Yeah, the Dinner Theatre.
Of course.
What's this Dan wrote right here? His penmanship is horrible.
"Surprise appearance by the Mata Hari"? No, it says, "With a surprise appearance," and then he wrote, "Mwah ha ha.
" I got to admit I have some morbid curiosity about what he's up to.
You want to go? It is date night.
I don't know.
I mean, what if the guy who whipped me is there? I guarantee you won't run into him.
- How do you know? - Let's just call it a hunch, a solid "that guy's bound and gagged on a freighter headed for Guatemala" hunch.
You want to get eviscerated again? Why not? Chris: How bad does my face look, really? It's fine.
You can't even see the mark anymore.
Oh, good.
We've had some changes in the cast.
"Hamlet" will be a one-man show tonight.
Ah! Dude, your face! I'm going to throw up! I'm going to look like this forever.
Dan: Hey, Chris.
Over here.
I need your help.
I'll get us seats.
Dude, could you walk any slower? Probably.
Is there something I can help you with? Of course.
Wait here precisely seven minutes.
Then? Set fire to this pile of trash right here.
Set fire to this pile of trash right here.
I'm not committing arson on my date.
It's not a date.
You're with your wife.
Besides, I need a distraction for my plan.
I'll think of something else, all right? Give me exactly seven minutes.
And it is a date.
It's date night.
Dan: You sicken me.
Bubble, bubble, toil and-- Dude, you do that every time.
Stop it.
Look at that.
I can't believe it.
Wow.
That's got to be the most distracting thing I've ever seen.
It's huge, enormous distracting.
( boiling ) - You want to check it out? - Why not? - ( grunts ) - ( clatters ) Clockwork.
The food's pretty bad without my help, but even the most leathery palate will balk at soap soup.
Just to make sure.
Blecch! Ugh! Blecch! Ugh! Perfect.
- Hey, what's going on? - You missed it.
Never mind.
Well, what a waste of time that was.
Yeah.
That wasn't distracting at all.
Um, you think we should taste the stew? We tasted it before we left.
What could have happened in the last two minutes? ( medieval music playing ) ( spits, coughs ) Dan must have tampered with the food.
It's inedible.
You're right.
It's really bad.
We of the Shakespeare Dinner Theatre would like to thank you all for ( laughs evilly ) Hey, guys.
Check it out.
Riot in three, two, one Oh, come on! You people are eating soap.
- Ehh.
- ( woman coughs ) Excuse me, sir.
Excuse yourself, you hack.
I'll say my piece before you take the stage.
You can'teth be up here.
Get thee thither anon.
"Can'teth"? This guy doesn't even know what he's saying.
( audience murmuring ) Sir, if thou doesn't get off my stage, I shall be forced to-- To what, subject us to bad theater and even worse food? Don't sayeth I didn't warn thou.
( both grunting ) Is it weird that I'm kind of rooting for Dan now? My stomach hurts.
But I do feel clean inside.
Have at thou.
It's, "Have at thee," you beslubbering canker blossom.
( both grunting ) Waah! It is an actor's job to communicate the material to the audience.
How can you do that when you don't even know what the lines mean? - ( jeering ) - He's right.
I haven't understood a word he's said, and I translated "Hamlet" into Esperanto for my senior thesis! - You did? - No.
I'm just helping Dan out.
Is it me, or have you been acting really weird this week? It's you.
I do so know what the lines mean.
Liar! Blackguard! Varlet! ( shouting ) - Dan: Ha ha! - ( grunts ) Whoa! How dare you interrupteth my moment in the spotlight? How dare you serve us such awful food? Am I right? - ( clamoring ) - Yeah, get out of here! ( both grunting ) I have thee now.
- Aha! - ( screams ) Blehh! ( shrieks ) How's that for a taste of your own indigestible dreck? Am I the only one who feels cheated by these charlatans? Are we going to sit here complacently while they treat us like rat-catching rabble? ( clamoring ) I think not.
That's enough.
Rise up, and we'll send the message that we will not be treated thusly.
Come on.
Let's get this guy.
Rise up, I say, and stab him with your spoons.
( metal scraping ) Actor: Please, someone help me.
The audience is mad! Ow.
Stop.
Hey! Oh, that hurt a little bit.
( actor grunting ) By the way, your acting's really bad.
By the way, your acting's really bad.
Knock it off.
Ohh! Ohh! I've had enough! ( shrieks ) I quit! ( audience clamoring ) I win! Atlast, sweetvictoryis mine.
We better go.
The crowd is turning mean.
Oh, uh - Fire.
- Bye, Dan.
Place is on fire.
Great show.
Who would have thought an angry mob could get so out of hand? ( sirens wailing ) Good night, sweet Shakespeare Dinner Theatre.
May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
( laughs evilly ) I've made you cry.
Your theater is burnt.
It lies in ruin, plain for all to see.
And now it seems your lesson has been learned.
That should teach you not to mess with Dan.
( metal clanks ) Oh, come on! ( panting ) ( medieval music plays ) ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.