Death Valley (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

hey, you know what I love about these Looxcie cameras? What? They're a great way to look up your nostril.
I could check your nostril.
- Stop it, I'm driving! - Yabadee! Stop it.
You have a real talent for annoying people, you know that? Or you know what? If you're with a sexually adventurous young lady Ugh, I knew you were gonna say that.
- Did you? - Yeah.
'Cause you're not just disgusting, you're also predictable.
I'm predicta-Billy.
Does this guy look like he's driving drunk? Who cares? It's not really a UTF issue, is it? It's a safety issue, Billy.
- Yeah, I agree with that.
- Thanks, Jamie.
Oh, so I just got outvoted by Captain earmuffs and stuby-do over here.
Okay, these are vital to my job, all right? Let's light 'em up.
Light 'em up.
Boop, boop.
That's the sound of da police.
Beep, beep.
That's the sound of da beast.
All right.
- License and registration.
- Mm, mm.
Looks like we got a classic F.
S.
B.
J.
Here, boys.
What does that even mean? You know, classic front seat B.
J.
My ears aren't garbage cans, Billy.
You were driving erratically, sir.
Step out of the car.
Hold your arms out to your sides.
Touch your finger to your nose.
Hang on, is that blood on your arm, buddy? Because it sure as hell isn't lipstick.
Oh, ho, ho, ho! He's been drained.
Blood for sex! - There she goes.
- Hey, come back here! Where are you going, hortensia? Come on.
How is she running so fast in those heels? He can't get the girl in heels.
What'd you I heard you say something about me! You almost got her.
Keep going.
One year ago Vampires, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
All this nasty business gets so rotten I think it's time to put this party in the ground ohh we're losing all control the buildings all turn to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us Officers, as you may have heard, the blood-for-sex trade is worse than ever.
Or better than ever, if your thing happens to be giving away blood to get your nob gobbled.
In other news, Stubeck and Pierce almost made a key arrest last night, but they got outrun by a chubby hooker in stilettos.
She wasn't that chubby, sir.
She is when I'm telling the story, my friend.
She was fast.
In light of these developments, officer Rinaldi will finally fulfill a longtime dream and go undercover as a vamp hooker.
- What? - Wha? I've I've never dreamt of posing as a prostitute, Captain.
I wasn't talking about your dream, Rinaldi.
Any questions? Yes, so what am I supposed to be doing while she's out being a hooker? Watch her like an ostrich.
Captain, don't you mean like a hawk? No, I mean like an ostrich.
The 350-pound Savanna bird with two legs that can crush a horse in a footrace, kick a grown man to death, and annihilate a hawk in a seeing contest.
Can I continue now? - Yes, sir.
- Good.
Now let's get out there and kill something! Possible zombie sighting at a crack den.
How is this a crack den? This isn't any kind of den.
It's not even indoors.
Ha, crack.
That sounds so '90s, man.
Yeah, well, unfortunately, Billy, addiction never goes out of style.
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Whoa! That was close.
Sit there you go.
Right there, buddy.
Sit down right there.
There you go.
Sorry, sir, I thought you might have been a zombie.
No, sir, I'm just majorly addicted to crack.
Well, we can see that.
Listen, let me ask you something.
Did you see any zombies in there? No, just a couple of my buds, I think.
But I'm pretty high.
Hey, I'm gonna let you take the lead on this one.
I don't do drugs, so honestly, I can't tell a crackhead from a zombie to save my life.
I don't do drugs.
Yeah, but I really don't do drugs.
- Is it okay if I go now? - No, no, no, sit down right there.
We're gonna call for backup.
They'll take you to the station and get you sobered up.
- Just stay tight there, pal.
- Yes, sir.
- He's a nice crackhead.
- Why don't you marry him? Officer Rinaldi.
Yes, yes.
One thing is for sure, you make an unbelievable hooker.
I mean you make a believable hooker.
The point is you look fantastic.
You have your fangs in? Your fangs? You wearing your Excellent.
Now, have you given any thought to what you'd be willing to do as a vampire sexually for blood? - No, but I'm guessing you have.
- I think it's important to be prepared.
We should role-play.
I come in.
I say: "Hey, baby.
"How about you give daddy a long, wet kiss, then we move on to a rub and tug?" What do you say? You know, this is making me a little uncomfortable.
Good answer.
I come in this time, I'm a freak, tall, good-looking, I got a brick of cash.
I throw it down, I say: "Hey, honey, "how about a Costa Rican rain shower? Maybe a Honduran mud bath.
" - I'm gonna go now.
- Perfect.
Perfect.
John-John! That's right.
Don't be afraid to call for backup.
Stevens! I need a rope.
Somebody get me a rope, a hemp rope, and some hot water, please.
You know, baby you and I have been together for a long time No, just shut up and get in the car.
Ugh! I hate these stupid shoes.
Can you open the door, please? Why you so mad? I think you Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Just drive.
- Okay.
Now, I know you don't want to hear this, but finding a 12-step meeting and a sponsor Really the best favor you can do yourself right now.
Not only that, it's a great way to meet chicks with low self-esteem.
- Come on, Billy, no.
- All right? That shouldn't be your motivation to go.
Listen, officer Davis here is gonna take you down to the station and take good care of you.
Right, officer Davis? - Yes, sir.
- Okay, bring one in here.
How does that feel? Huh? There you go.
Best of luck.
The night's yours.
Okay.
See, you like him better than I do now.
- He's all right.
- He's a nice guy.
Whoa! Zombie or crackhead? Zombie or crackhead? Zombie.
Definitely zombie! Get him off! Get him off! - Ugh! - Oh! Oh, ho.
Whoa.
All right.
Stand back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your fire.
Why? He's bit.
He's a goner.
Listen, I'm gonna take this gun, and I'm gonna shoot him in his face.
No disrespect, officer Davis.
- Billy, come here.
- What? He's a cop, okay? Give him his dignity.
Dignity? Are you serious? In two minutes, the guy's gonna be crazier than Charlie Sheen.
- That's not funny.
- It's a little funny.
Comedy is subjective, Billy.
Meantime, I'm gonna talk to Davis and see how he wants to handle it.
Whatever.
Where'd he go? He just took off like a crazy person.
- Of course he did.
- Oh, damn it.
- Can I go now? - No! - Who you calling? - Captain Dashell.
I can't just not tell him what happened.
Wait, wait.
What if we find Davis? We will find Davis.
But in the meantime, I'm not afraid to own up to my mistakes.
Hey, I own up to my mistakes.
Remember that time I painted my volkswagen orange and white and put a big longhorn on the hood? Yeah, you didn't even go to Texas.
I know, man.
The things I do for chicks.
Turns out she went to Arizona anyway.
- Yeah.
- I'm an idiot.
Oop, speak of the devil.
Captain Dashell, I was just about to call you.
Let me just ell you what happened, 'cause you're never gonna gue Yeah, Davis is a zombie.
Yeah, you knew.
Okay.
What? Wait, excuse me.
Where? All right.
Yep, don't worry about it, Captain.
We're on it.
What's the word, big turd? Davis still has his Looxcie on his ear.
- You're kidding.
- Mm-hmm.
So he's taping everything he sees.
Dashell's watching the live feed from his computer.
Gah.
Are these things the balls or what? They are.
The testicles.
Point is, Davis has already turned.
At this second, he's attacking customers in a blockbuster video store.
That's crazy.
Who goes to blockbuster anymore? Don't ask me.
Is there really a John coming? Or did we do this whole thing just to see what I look like half naked? No, he's coming.
He's coming.
But, uh, I do like the view, though.
So tell me.
Where'd you get that outfit from, anyway? What are you talking about? This is what I normally wear at home.
Bull.
Dashell picked it out for me.
God, you do not wanna see the other ones.
Uh, yes, I do.
Mm, I bet he Oh, shh, he's coming.
Hi.
Come on in.
Where's, uh, Sofia? Uh, usually she just, um, you know, paints my naked body blue, calls me the genie.
Do you want me to paint your body blue, call you a genie? If you want your three wishes.
Well How 'bout I just bang the living crap out of you? Damn, Carla.
No, it's cool.
She just gettin' him worked up, you know, so he can ask for it.
Whoa.
- Your hands are warm.
- That's 'cause I'm with you, baby.
She's good, right? So how much is this gonna cost? 'Cause I know some girls charge two pints.
But, um, I have to, like, ride my bike to work.
Well If you fill this up for me I'll let you fill this up.
Oh, that's it.
I'm going in.
UTF! You're under arrest! Come on, man.
Just leave her alone.
It's a recession going on.
- No, not her, you jackass.
- What? This is your third time for solicitation of prostitution.
Get your ass over here.
What about the four-strike rule, fellas? - Fellas? Does she look like a fella? - Jesus, John-John.
Come on, you're gonna hurt him.
So what? He was gonna have sex with you.
- Um, no, he wasn't.
- Yes, he was.
No, he wasn't, John-John.
That's why you're here.
That's my bowling arm.
Ohhhhh! Are you jealous? What? No! You sound a little jealous.
It's just Well, the good news is, is he's slowing down.
Bad news is I can't read the street signs on this thing, so I don't really know where he's going.
So you're telling me that Davis is somewhere, walking somewhere else.
Awesome.
You know what, man? Gimme a break, all right? At least I'm trying here.
Geez.
What, you get in a fight with the missus or something? Actually, I did.
- Sorry to hear that.
- It's okay.
I'll call her and apologize later.
- For what? - I have no idea.
So do you think Davis is still near that blockbuster? I don't know.
I mean, it's hard to tell.
But he sure destroyed that place, didn't he? Yeah, looks like my wife's side of the closet.
That's what you fought about? I don't wanna talk about it.
Sloppy pig.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You know what? Hang on, stu.
Pull over.
Something's not right.
Check out this guy walking over to Davis.
That's weird.
Why didn't he bite him? Is he full? Do zombies get full? - I don't know.
That's a great question.
- I know.
So what was that all about? - He's a vamp.
- Jesus Christ.
That's what that's about.
Oh, ho! Hey, what happened to the backpack? You know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right, stu.
What the hell, man? Zombies have only the simplest of motor functions.
They have no sensation of being full because they can feel nothing.
That's great, but we're on to vamps now.
So I looked it up on the Internet on my phone.
You know what? I bet you the vamp gave the zombie his backpack I don't know how I know.
I just know.
- How? - Well, obviously, the vamp's not wearing the backpack, right? So, I mean, it's not like he just left it on the ground or something.
Do vampires have the power to control zombies? Not on True Blood, Jamie, but you know what? You can add up all the stuff that doesn't make sense on that show and make an entire new show.
I don't get it.
Why would you put a backpack on a zombie? Zombie night school? That's funny.
I was being serious, but Yeah, that's great.
I like that one.
Thanks.
One two three four Sweet.
Oh, you're not shy, are you? What's your name? Juan.
Juan.
You, Juan.
So, Juan.
You want me to paint you some crazy color and call you some weird names? What? Hmm.
You see Ahhh I'd like to give you a little love.
But I need you to give me a little blood.
How's that sound to you? Sounds great.
God, your hands are cold.
You know that? - Are they? - Yeah.
You need me to warm you up so you can pump out a little blood for me? If you insist.
You're freezing.
Probably just because it's cold outside.
Is it? Well, you're you're really cold, John-John.
It's Juan.
Yeah, I just I have a brother named Juan.
And sometimes I call him John-John.
What the hell is she doing? That's funny.
Because I know a cop.
And sometimes I call her Carla.
- It's a vamp! - No! God damn it.
- Are we getting close? - I think so.
Hey, look.
Isn't that that great Lebanese takeout place? Ooh, love that place.
Great kebabs.
Great kebabs.
That sounds dirty.
Ugh, you're 15.
I wanna go up to the girl in the drive-through and say: "You've got some great kebabs.
" Ugh, you're 12.
Ahhh.
Something about girls with meat on a stick.
Hey, here it is.
Man, it's gonna suck having to put down officer Davis.
Oh, that's right.
You guys trained together.
Good guy? Actually, he's kind of a tool.
You know what? I'll be fine.
Wait a minute.
Look.
What the hell? How's it going tonight? Billy.
Son of a Great.
Get outta here! You're lucky I don't shoot you.
How's it going? So, uh Tell me about your kebabs.
He's a vamp! God damn it.
- Should we go in there.
- What? No.
The vamp's a crazy-strong man.
He'll snap her neck before I get a shot off.
I got a message for your captain.
I can't see a damn thing.
Yeah, go ahead and kick.
I like that.
Kick! Shh! Be quiet.
I got a plan.
Turn it up.
John-John! You okay? I guess.
How did you know where to shoot? I didn't.
No, no, no.
Hold on.
Are you seriously looking at my tits? A little.
I can't believe that vamp fooled us like that.
Guess we can just hope we get lucky, and maybe the zombie will kill itself.
What do you mean? Gets like Like, all bummed out and then just commits suicide? No, you jackass.
I meant like it would wander into traffic or something.
You think that's why they eat so much? 'Cause they're depressed? You know, you might be developmentally challenged.
Developmentally challenged? Don't make me explain.
- Is that a real thing? - Yes, it's a real thing.
- I could see me having that.
- Yeah, me, too.
Well, I have no idea where Davis is.
And I have no idea what's in that backpack.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure it's no big deal.
Nothing to lose sleep over, right, partner? Yeah.
Who wants to learn how to kill a zombie? Zombie! Sorry, bad traffic.
I'm a little Is it rush hour? *** How are you, Mr.
Vampire? Wiener.
- I got it! - There is a bomb inside the zombie.
You're out the force.