Deli Boys (2025) s01e08 Episode Script

1
-[dramatic tabla music playing]
-[Raj Dar] You knew about this?
[Prairie] No!
Raj, listen, there's no time.
The FBI's gonna be here at any second.
[Raj]
FBI? What?
-Huh?
-[door slams]
-FBI.
-FBI.
-FBI!
-FBI!
-[Agent Frances Mercer] FBI!
-[Director Brett Simpson] FBI!
Shit.
Fucking Prairie.
God. Why would I trust her?
[Simpson]
Ah, go easy on yourself, Mercer.
Victory is preceded by lots of failure.
For me, it was years
of chasing the broken dream
of being a professional sports mascot.
Then after I got clean,
I thought, "Why not join the FBI?"
The rest is on the bestseller list.
Sir, you should see this.
[upbeat music playing]
Hey-ho, Señor Yayo.
Oh ho ho ho so lonely ♪
Are you there, Allah?
It's me, Mir.
I know we haven't spoken in a while,
but could you please
bring Raj home safely?
I promise I-I'll be a better brother,
a better boss, a better human.
I-I mean, I'll tip the full 20%.
I'll hold elevator doors open.
I won't tell a lie
except to, like, my fiancée,
her whole family, and the IRS.
But you understand.
♪♪
-Stop following me.
-I'm not gonna stop following you, Raj.
-How could you do this to me?
-Just let me explain.
Did you even love me?
Is love even real?
Is this, like, an elaborate hallucination?
Raj, you can't ask me big philosophical
questions like that and then zoom away.
Well, I don't wanna talk to you anymore.
You're not even gonna hear me out?
No. Okay? Because your lies put me
and my whole family in danger.
That crazy FBI lady
was gonna throw me in jail
on bullshit charges.
Plus I didn't think
you were doing criminal shit.
Because I was trying to protect you.
Raj, I'm so sorry I hurt you,
and I love you so much.
Can we please just figure this out?
No, you figure out how to leave me alone
because I never wanna see you again.
-[scooter whirring]
-[Prairie] Raj. Ugh.
[Raj] Oh. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
-[screams] Oh, God!
-[thuds]
-[clattering]
-Ow! Shit!
Fuck.
[panting]
I'm still alive?
Oh, thanks, man.
[sighs]
Fuck.
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
-[Mir Dar] What's that?
-We've gotta muscle up.
We need to be prepared in case
the Pho Brothers come back here
to finish the job.
Yeah, to think,
I ordered delicious takeout from them,
and now they're coming
after my fucking family.
Wait. Since when are we your family?
I was kidnapped,
and you didn't do jack shit.
I'm gonna give you
the same advice you gave me
when you dumped me
on Chickie.
-Get over it. It's game time.
-[Lucky mutters]
And like it or not,
we're on the same team.
I pray nothing happened to Raj, son.
They could be turning him into
a rich marrow-y broth as we speak!
Can you both stop please?
If we're gonna find Raj,
we need all hands on deck.
Lucky Auntie, my wedding's
right around the corner. Okay?
Raj's wedding suit is tailored
and everything.
No other the grown man
specifically requests a size 28 waist
with extra room in the crotch
when he definitely doesn't need it.
[Raj]
Uh, yeah, I do.
Raj, you are alive. You're alive!
-[all laughing]
-[Ahmad] Thank God you're safe.
Oh. Ow!
Tell us, what did they do to you?
I will charge them
a severed appendage
for every single scratch
-[Pho Bro 1] She's wearing a wire.
-[Pho Bro 2] Grab the stuff and go.
-[Pho Bros clamoring]
-Prairie, what the fuck?
You know what?
I just wanna turn my brain
on airplane mode
for, like, 15 minutes.
No, no, no. Of course, of course.
Go upstairs. Mir
[speaking foreign language]
-Ahmad and I will tend to things here.
-Cool.
Happy you are okay, my baby.
Thank you. I'm good, guys.
-We're good. We're all good.
-I'm so glad you're back, man.
Let's get you upstairs.
Get you some of that weed that you like.
-Hell yeah, dude.
-You know, I prayed for you.
It worked pretty quickly.
-What? You prayed?
-Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[hip-hop music playing in apartment]
I'm sorry. I know it's not
one of Prairie's exotic fishes
that shit steroids or whatever,
but ibuprofen should do the trick.
About that.
[sighs heavily]
Prairie and I actually broke up.
Oh, my God. Really?
I mean, weren't you guys
like the Ying Yang Twins?
-Twin Flames.
-Mm-hmm.
She did something really bad
that's hard to come back from.
Hey, come on. She has been with you
through thick and thin.
I mean, how bad could it have really been?
Pretty bad. I mean
she's kind of been talking
to Agent Mercer
and she's kind of been an informant
for her on the illegal shit
that we've been doing.
Please tell me you're kind of kidding.
And she was definitely wearing
a wire while I did a pickup.
A fucking wire?! Are you kidding me?!
-We're so fucked!
-I know. I know.
This is bad! This is really bad!
Relax, okay?
She told me that she didn't tell them
any of the important stuff.
Raj, she lied to you,
she's trying to send us to jail!
And while you would thrive
in a cool gang of Muslim converts
over, like, literature,
sports, and Sufism,
I would become someone's chew toy,
and you know it!
I know it sounds bad, dude.
But they were threatening her
with jail time.
I'm sorry.
Do you feel bad for her?
No!
Oh, my God.
Yes. Fuck! Yeah, I do.
Oh, my God. We have to tell them.
No, hey! We don't have
to tell them, okay?
We can handle this, man.
Just you and me, the two of us.
This is over our fucking heads. Okay?
This is a threat to the entire operation.
-I have to tell them.
-No, Mir.
Come on, man. They are both
loose cannons, and you know it.
We don't know what they're gonna do,
but you, man, you're smart, dude.
-You have a business degree.
-Mm-hmm.
You, like, read
hella memoirs and shit.
-Yeah.
-You're a brilliant guy.
I'm confident in you
that you can come up
with something on the DL.
Come on.
Sorry. I blacked out
after you complimented me.
We have to tell Lucky Auntie
and Ahmad Uncle, okay?
They're seasoned criminals.
I'm sure they'll come up
with a levelheaded solution.
-That two-faced fairy fuck!
-Traitor!
She's fucked us.
We're finished.
[laughing] We're finished.
When I see her, I'm gonna fucking rip
her fucking teeth out!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Guys, come on. Come on.
Let's just all take a deep breath. Okay?
And we can talk about this.
We can figure it out.
Hey. Yeah. We don't know
what the feds know,
and we don't know
what the feds don't know.
Right? And even if
she has talked,
who can follow a word that she says?
People usually check out
after the third time she says "Chakra."
-We're fucked!
-Fucked!
-Because Raj can't see beyond his dick!
-Dick!
Hey, it's not my dick. Okay?
It's my heart. We were in love.
I know what you're
going through is tough.
I loved a traitor once,
and then I killed him
and fucked his cousin.
Just a circle of life. I need
to think. I'm gonna think.
-What?
-Okay, just to be clear,
are we putting a pin
in the Pho Brothers trying to kill us?
Lucky for us, Prairie just stunk up
the whole block.
No one's gonna attack us
with the feds up our ass.
Issue is the feds are fucking up our ass.
-I'm sorry, Auntie.
-Hey, buddy.
-It's not your fault.
-[Lucky and Ahmad] Yes it is!
We have to talk to the Maaliks.
We can't keep them in the dark.
-We have to.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, guys, we can't do that. Okay?
If we tell the Maaliks,
they're gonna lose their shit.
The Maaliks have seen
much worse than this.
-They are professionals.
-Yes.
They will see a way through this.
Hello? Are you frozen?
I think they're having Wi-Fi problems.
No, we're frozen with fucking shock.
As Chief Communications Maalik,
I can confirm there is no way out of this.
And we are, respectfully,
fucked from all angles.
If we're dissolving, please deposit
my last two paychecks
into my offshore accounts in The Bahamas.
Alright, gentlemen,
let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Could you put a statement in my file
that I knew the boys would fail all along?
-Everybody knew, chutiya.
-No, no, no.
We didn't fail, okay?
Mir has an idea.
-Mir, tell them the idea.
-Yes. I do have a lot of great ideas.
One of them coming to me right now is
what if we blow up the FBI?
-Jesus.
-That I, I didn't mean that.
All in favor of ending
the probationary period of Raj and Mir.
-[Maaliks] Hanjee.
-No, no, no, no, that's not
Gentlemen, we are thriving. Okay?
We've already paid off
a huge chunk of our Peruvian debts
since taking over the business.
-This is just a slight oversight.
-Tiny
The deadline is less than a week away.
We'll never make it
with the feds circling.
What if we all get plastic surgery,
you know, like Face/Off?
And then no one will recognize us
and we can keep doing business.
-Oh, great idea.
-[Mir] What if we release
all the animals at the zoo,
and then people will just be talking
about that and we can do business?
I motion that we put
Operation Titanic into effect.
-Oh, no!
-No, no, no, no, no
-All in favor of jumping ship.
-[Maaliks] Hanjee.
Motion passed.
That wa
No, that wasn't even a majority.
I suggest you tie up loose ends
and kill the rat.
Kill. Did you say kill?
-Kill the rat.
-[Raj] We-we're not,
we're not killing Prairie, guys.
Okay, gentlemen, gentlemen.
I can fix this, okay?
Just give me until the end
of the day, I can handle this.
Chutiya, by that time,
we will be halfway
to Lahore with fake passports
and a cooler full of cheesesteaks.
-Meeting adjourned.
-Fuck!
A cheesesteak sounds
so good right now.
Oh, my God.
-Turn it off.
-Yeah, we should hang up.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um
-I think it's
-This side? This side.
-Right side.
-End call. It says "end call."
I think I just opened up iTunes.
[Mercer] She says the wire
got busted in a gang fight,
which I believe because
she's pretty shaken up.
Did you tell her that
we found some powder?
No.
And all we have so far is cocaine
found in a warehouse.
Sir, we wanna get them on RICO.
Intent to distribute.
I want the whole damn ladder
top to bottom.
I wanna pin them to a wall
and fuck them
with a pogo stick.
I like everything you're saying
and how you're saying it.
These guys are done-zo.
You're fuckin' right.
Hey, go fuck yourself!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [grunting]
Yeah! Yeah, you like that?
You like that? Uhh!
So that, um
that's not one of those, uh
No, that's just regular glass.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see that.
Is she looking at me?
-Watch this.
-Ah, okay.
Let's take a beat before
we go in there, huh?
-Yeah.
-[Lucky] Focus, everyone.
Anything that links us
to illegal activity must go.
Drug stuff, weapon stuff, murder stuff.
Then we go to Pakora Palace.
Okay, I know I messed up,
but I can figure something out.
-Okay? We could, uh
-You gotta think, man!
-You want a dab?
-[Mir] No!
Maybe. I don't know!
We've been doing so well.
Charlie and I were planning
a mini-vacay to Tulum.
Gee, Ahmad, do you think
you could bring
your van around please?
-[Ahmad] Yeah, sure.
-Since when have you had a van?
Since Charlie upgraded
his Rascal Scooter,
it no longer fits in my fucking Fiat.
[Lucky] [whispering]
Raj, come here.
[Mir] [sniffing]
Ew. What is that smell?
Drakkar Noir. Murderwalla was right.
Did you keep Hamza's hand?
Can you fucking get rid of that
before Ahmad comes back?
-Woo!
-[Mir groans]
[door slams]
Why am I here?
What are you charging me with?
I'm not playing today.
You are dangerously close
to being put away
for a long, long time.
Okay, chill.
I've done everything
you've asked.
You've done great, Prairie.
[Prairie]
They're not doing anything illegal.
Raj's Pluto is in his fourth house,
which means crazy upheaval.
So maybe that's what
the FBI is picking up on.
There's a strong chance
that you are the worst mole in the history
-of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
-[Prairie scoffs]
-Okay, well, your roots are showing.
-Whoa.
Well, you've done okay.
[lid clatters]
That's a lot of coke.
And we have undeniable proof
that Raj intended to sell it.
We need you to get details
on their distribution
so we can go after their gang.
If you do, maybe we can go easier on Raj.
[dramatic music playing]
[Lucky]
Okay.
That should be everything. [sighs]
We need to move this load discreetly.
I can't believe it. [sighs]
Just like that,
this whole thing that we built,
that, that Baba built
is going to be gone.
Yeah. Well, we don't have
any other choice. [sighs]
Okay. That's not true. Okay?
Just give me a minute.
I can figure something out. Okay?
-I just need to think. Okay?
-[doorbell chimes]
They found the cocaine
in the achar at the warehouse,
and they're coming to arrest you all.
You must be fucking kidding me.
-Prairie, ge-get outta here.
-Raj, I'm so sorry. You know I love you.
I know. I love you too.
Please go.
Ahmad, lock the door.
[Prairie gasps]
-We're gonna make this quick.
-No. Lucky, no. Ahmad, we-we
-Ahmad, door, now!
-Mir, back me up. Mir, back me up!
Mir, be a good little boy and just tackle
your brother to the ground.
Okay. In his defense,
you cannot kill an active FBI bug.
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
-[Raj and Ahmad grunting]
-She's the bug.
-[Ahmad] Stop it! [grunts]
Make the bug a feature!
My God, you're all insane!
[Ahmad]
Let go! [grunts]
[gun cocks]
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
[dramatic music playing]
-[dramatic music playing]
-[traffic noise, sirens wail]
You need a non-digital watch.
Agent Mercer, you have
to help me! They're insane.
Prairie. What the hell
happened to you?
They tried to kill me.
They all ganged up on me.
I barely escaped with my life.
You gotta find me a place to hide.
Okay. Y-yeah, I-I could
I could see us helping you out.
Maybe put her in witness protection?
Did you find out
where they distribute from?
[Prairie]
I saw it.
Pakora Palace,
the one on Fontaine Street.
I've done it again.
[coworkers weakly applaud]
How is a cartoon movie
better than people?
I think feel like cartoons are
consistently better than people.
People are, like, limited
by their corporeal forms.
Cartoons can do anything.
-But it's a cartoon.
-You're not understand
-FBI!
-[Simpson] FBI!
Hands where I can see 'em!
Fan out.
What's going on?
Why don't you make
everyone's lives a little easier
and show me the achar?
Leave us alone, assholes!
Hold up. I got this.
[police radio chatter]
Why don't you make
everyone's lives a little easier
and show me the achar?
-You.
-[dramatic music playing]
[whistles]
The mother lode.
Well, go on. I'm not getting
this outfit dirty.
[agents laugh]
[dramatic music continues]
[Mercer sighs]
What?
[achar squelches]
Where are the drugs?
I know there's drugs here.
[sighs] Where are the fucking drugs?!
Fuck me!
-[agents laugh]
-Fuck!
No, no, no, no.
Fuck! No, no, no. Fuck!
I know there are drugs here. Fuck!
Fuck! What the fuck?
Where are the fucking drugs in here?
-Fuck!
-[agents laugh]
[agent]
Is she gonna cry?
[laughing continues]
Hey, listen up.
Yeah, this was a big fail,
and she's hella embarrassed.
But Mercer is one of us.
So what are we gonna do about it?
We're gonna get the bad guys
as a team.
[Mercer scoffs]
[Simpson stirs achar]
[Mercer sighs]
[smacks lips]
This is pretty tasty.
[Simpson coughs]
[group cheering, whooping]
Fuck yeah! I'm a god.
-[Prairie and Raj sigh]
-I just outsmarted
the legit
Federal Bureau of Investigation!
More like,
"The Fucking Boobs Innit?" [laughs]
[horn honks]
Ahmad, you are driving
our entire inventory of cocaine.
So, eyes on the road and
can you turn down the Boney M., please?
I'm so fucking proud of you.
You really came through for us.
Yeah. Thanks to my ingenious plan.
Now our hands are clean.
The FBI's been thwarted once and for all.
I'd like to see them try
to fuck with us again!
-Hell yeah, man.
-[Mir laughs]
And someone tell the Maaliks we got
an all-hands tomorrow, 9:00 a.m. sharp.
Okay, hearing Mir gloat
is making me nauseous.
Yep. Me too.
[Lucky] [on phone] Thank you again,
Prairie, for all your help.
No, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for not killing me.
Oh, no, no, of course, of course.
So here's the plan.
Prairie's handler will meet you
at the Lancaster location.
Then he will drive her
to a train stop far from town
with, uh, $20K and a new ID.
Thank you so much,
Lucky Auntie.
You have no idea
how much this means to me.
Just remember, beta,
everything I do for you
is in your best interest.
["Rasputin" by Boney M.
playing on radio]
[Mir]
There we are.
[Raj chuckles]
I'm sorry for things I said
when we were fighting, my queen.
You know I know, my king.
-I know.
-[Prairie chuckles]
Oh. I think that's him.
That is not what I pictured
for a guy who helps you disappear.
Okay. Um, goodbye, Mir.
Eat some fennel seeds
and sleep on your back
to soothe
your sensitive belly.
-Noted. Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
No goodbyes, my love.
See you in the liminal space.
Okay.
[Mir sighs]
What if I went with her?
Are you being fucking serious?
Come on, man. There's a new way to life.
We can get out of this shit, man.
We can start something new.
Tallahassee, man.
-You can come, too.
-I don't wanna go, Raj.
This is our life now.
It's just not who I am, bro.
Look at me. We got this.
We just convinced seasoned gangsters
to spare a rat.
We are changing this business
for the better. Okay?
We're like the guiding light
of Dark DarCo.
Think if Baba could see us right now.
I can't do this without you.
[sighs] Okay.
I'm just gonna give her
one last hug.
-I'll B-R-B.
-Yeah.
[muffled hip-hop music plays in car]
[metal clatters]
Hey, man. Please, uh, take care
of my girl, would you?
[sniffs]
Is that Drakkar Noir?
I am the boy with the vision ♪
And my words are vicious, yeah ♪
Huh. It's funny.
A guy once told me that
that was the best way
to cover up the smell of a body.
[hip-hop music
continues playing in Mir's car]
-Oh, shit.
-Oh, shit.
-Uh-oh.
-It's a fucking setup.
Prairie, get the fuck
outta here right now.
-What?
- Run, run, run. Go!
-[door thudding]
-[both grunt]
Run, Prairie, run! Run!
That girl is so fine
I wanna make ♪
[Mir]
Hey, come back!
[assassin]
Ah!
-[punch thuds]
-[assassin groans]
Fuck! Ow!
-[assassin] Fuck.
-[Raj yells]
-Damn it!
-What the fuck is going on?
It's a setup, man.
We gotta run. Let's go.
[assassin groaning]
[engine revs]
[tires screeching]
Can't believe Lucky
and Ahmad tried to fuck us.
I can. They think
they're fuckin' running this shit?
Fuck that. We're in charge now. Go!
[tires screeching]
["Monkey Fight Snake"
by The Bombay Royale playing]
♪♪
[song fades out]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare plays]