Dharma & Greg s01e08 Episode Script

-[GlassClinking.]
-Okay.
That's it.
- I would like to propose a toast.
- Hear! Hear! - Hear! Hear! - To my husband, Greg Montgomery who, despite working his butt off for the past 1 0 weeks to put away a bunch of really bad guys still had the energy to come home every night and make hot jungle love to his wife.
- [ Cheering.]
- Thanks, dear.
No! Thank you.
Shirt, shoes, sneakers, socks! Greg Montgomery totally rocks! [ Whooping .]
- I heard the news.
Congratulations, Son.
- Thanks, Dad.
Oh, I'd likeyou to meet Andy Reynolds.
He's a political consultant.
- Hi.
- What brings you out here tonight? I wanted to meet the next congressman from the 8th District.
- Oh, yeah? Who's that? - You.
- Excuse me? - A high-profile case like this puts you in the spotlight.
- This is whatyou've always talked about, Son.
- Yeah, but that was someday.
Well, someday is today.
You'reyoung, you're smart, you're good-looking.
- You come from a good family.
- Best of all, you have no skeletons in the closet.
- Nothing that can embarrass you.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Go, go! - [ Cheering .]
That's true.
Sayyou were a congressman, okay? How many guys would have to die before you become president? All of them.
Dharma, I don't know ifyou've thought this through.
It means leaving your friends, your family.
I'd make new friends.
And my family- man, they go to Washington, like, four times a year.
We have the environmental rallies and the no-nukes protest and the Legalize Marijuana march ifthey ever get it organized.
You do understand that if, by some wild stretch ofthe imagination - I actually get elected- - Of courseyou'll get elected.
Greg, look at this face.
Look! Ooh, this face belongs on money.
[ Muffled .]
Dharma, you're not taking this seriously.
Sure I am.
I think it's great, and I wanna do it.
- But- Oh, never mind.
- What? Oh! Okay, you had this whole convince-Dharma speech planned, didn'tya? - Well, I don't know.
Sort of.
- No, no, no, no! Gee, Greg, Washington- It's so far away.
I just don't think I'd like that.
Okay, go.
- I can't do it now.
You wrecked it.
- Come on! Tell me.
Okay.
- Okay.
Sit down.
- Okay.
Dharma, this is something I've wanted all my life.
This is why I went into the U.
S.
Attorney's office- so that someday I could get this shot.
But ifI'm gonna do this- Ifwe're gonna do this you need to understand how tough it's gonna be.
Public life is brutal.
You live in a fishbowl.
Hey, I've lived in a fishbowl.
Well, not lived.
I worked there.
It was a nightclub called Mermaids and I had to swim around for two-hour shifts.
It wasn't so bad that- Well, you did get pretty pruney, but- Ifwe do this, it's gonna mean a lot of changes.
Greg, I am not afraid of change.
It's what makes life interesting.
- You'll have to change too.
- Why? What the hell's wrong with me? Well, in my book, nothing, but there are certain expectations of a congressman's wife.
Yeah, I know.
So I buy a few bras.
Big deal.
So anyway, I thought, you know, who better to teach me than Greg's mom? - [ Laughing .]
Could you say that again? - What didn'tyou understand? Oh, I understood completely.
I just want to hear it again.
I need your help to turn me into a politician's wife.
[ Laughing .]
Sorry.
You're not gonna make me say it a third time, areyou? No, no.
All right.
Oh, well, there is so much to do.
Where to begin? Hmm.
Look atyou.
You're just one big, gangly "before" picture, aren'tyou? Kitty, I feel kind ofvulnerable right now, so ifyou could just ease up a hair.
You want to be a politician's wife? Toughen up.
All right.
We have hair, we have makeup, we have wardrobe, we have decorum.
You know, Kitty, I'm not entirely new to politics.
I was class president all through high school.
Oh, I was led to believeyou were homeschooled byyour mother.
Well, yeah, but they were still tough campaigns.
[Knocking.]
Mother.
Father! Thankyou so much for coming.
Gregory and I truly appreciate your support.
- Guess what I'm doin'! - Acid.
Ow! No, no, no.
Sit down.
Come on.
I have some really great news.
- Sit, sit, sit.
- What? What? What? Okay.
Soyou know how Greg just won this really big case? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- I told you about it.
- I said yes.
Anyway, because ofithat, he's been asked to run fior Congress.
[ Chuckles .]
So, saysomething.
What do you think? I f this is a joke, tell me now because my arm is numb and somebody might have to pound on my chest.
- All right, all right.
Calm down, Larry.
- Calm down? - Calm down.
- That's whatyou said when she married a U.
S.
attorney.
That's whatyou said when she had the big country club wedding.
Where do I draw the line, Abby? When she's rounding us up with the rest ofthe proletariat and having us shovel out the stables ofthe über-class? What the heck is the über-class anyway, Larry? You won't have to know, Abby.
You'll just have to shovel.
Larry! Greg is gonna do great things for this country.
Like what? What are his positions? Where does he stand on, uh- I don't know- uh, health care? Okay.
Kitty taught me how to handle this.
[ Chuckles .]
Sir, my husband, Gregory Montgomery is very sensitive toyour needs and I can assureyou that theywill be given the appropriate consideration.
- You didn't answer my question at all.
- I know! Isn't that awesome? - There goes my arm again.
- All right, Larry.
Calm down.
- How's it goin'? - Really badly.
- Want me to take a shot at it? - Knockyourself out.
Okay.
Lar, I thinkyou're missin' the big picture here.
Ifyour son-in-law goes to Washington, buddies up with Bill Clinton next thing you know, you're havin' lunch with rock-and-roll legend Don Henley.
Oh, God.
Bad choice.
Abby dated Don Henley.
I'm pretty sure I was "WitchyWoman.
" Well, that's all I got.
What time's the party? - Party? What party? - See, that's the thing.
There's gonna be a party tonight to announce Greg's candidacy and I reallywantyou guys to be there to showyour support.
Oh.
Well, that sounds lovely, Dharma, and we'd be honored- Hold on.
Hold on! You want us to just check our ethics at the door and hobnob with a bunch of corrupt power brokers without uttering what we know to be the truth ofthe dark underbelly ofthe American political machine? Uh-huh! And could you please wear a tie? - Well, I guess this is it.
- Mm-hmm.
- You ready? - You bet.
Dharma, this announcement is my first public appearance as a candidate.
It sets my image and thewhole tone ofthe campaign.
Aw.
You're scared I'm gonna do something really out there, aren'tya? You are the samewoman who held up a lighter at the symphony and shouted "Beethoven's Fifth! Beethoven's Fifth!" - They played it.
- You see what I'm saying.
Greg, relax, okay? I can do this, all right? It's just- It's like a playwhere the actors just make up their lines as they go along and no one knows how it's gonna end.
That's not like a play at all.
Oh, that is such a charming story.
Well, you know, speaking of rabbis, priests and ministers in a life raft did you know that my husband, Gregory Montgomery is very supportive of all major religions and many ofthe minor ones as well? [ Clears Throat .]
Dharma, dear, could I talk toyou forjust a moment? Oh, won'tyou excuse me? I'm going to have a word with beloved mother of my husband, Gregory Montgomery- Kitty Montgomery.
[ Forced Laugh .]
Dharma, dear, I thought we had agreed that for this evening you would simply smile, nod and blinkwhen your eyes are dry.
I know, I know.
It was just going so well, I thought I'd jump ahead to the small talk.
Jump back.
What's the matter, Kitty? Areyou afraid the student has surpassed the master? [ Laughing .]
Never forget, my dear- I may have taughtyou everything you know, but I have not taughtyou everything I know.
Hai, sensei.
Arigato.
Greg, you see that guy over there? He just agreed to funnel $1 0,000 into your campaign.
All you gotta do is get his brother out of prison.
- I'm the one who put his brother in prison.
- That's great.
Soyou know him.
Uh, Pete, this is going reallywell.
Don't screw it up for me.
It looks like I won't have to.
The professionals are here.
Oh, no.
What's he doing here? You could ask him, but he might not know.
- Greg! Greg! There he is.
Greg! - Abby! - Hi! Oh, we're so proud ofyou.
- How areyou? And I wantyou to know that Larry is gonna be on his best behavior.
Right, honey? I'm only allowed to talk to her.
- Thankyou so much.
[ Laughing .]
- Oh, yes.
Uh, couple things you should know.
Uh, theyjust put the dessert out and yourwife's trying to rip the head offa state senator.
- Yeah.
- Dharma? Excuse me.
- Uh, what are you doing? - Thereyou go.
Oh! She's- She's done what my chiropractor's been trying to do for six weeks.
Will you come with me? My husband has a slipped disk.
Sure.
Scared ya, didn't I? [Larry.
Singing.]
- Larry, what areyou doing? - [ Continues .]
Can't be sure, but I think he's protesting the Vietnam War.
[ Singing Continues .]
- [ Ends .]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's, uh, goin' on? Greg, why didn'tyou tell me you were related to this rascal? I don't know.
At the time it seemed better not to.
We went to Berkeley together.
No, no, no.
You went to Berkeley.
I was the outside agitator.
So, what happened? You sold out and went mainstream, huh? Hey, how long can you drive around in a Volkswagen minibus with shag carpeting on the walls? Thirty-twoyears next March.
Dharma, dear, several ofthe ladies have been asking whatyour charitable affiliations will be.
Oh.
Well, I alreadyworkwith a group that finds housing forthe homeless.
Excellent.
Butwe'll call it "beautifying the parks.
" Orwe could start a summerjob program for kids to pull that big stick out ofher butt.
May I have everyone's attention, please? It is my distinct pleasure to introduce the man who will finally unseat Earl Washburn- the next congressman firom this district my son, Greg Montgomery! [Applause .]
Thankyou, Dad.
Thanks, Mother.
And thanks to all ofiyou fior coming this evening- especially the media- for coming tonight.
I certainly didn't expect this exposure.
My opponent, Earl Washburn, is evasive on the issues.
But I have nothing to hide.
I want every.
one here to see exactly what Greg Montgomery is bringing to the party.
Dharma, what are you- - Do you want me to drive? - Only if I can lie down in front of the car.
So your flywas open.
Big deal! It humanized you, Greg.
It madeyou vulnerable, madeyou- madeyou someone that people can relate to.
Dharma, the only people who can relate to me now are perverts and people who can't dress themselves.
Well, there's a lot of'em, and theyvote too.
You know, I never thanked you for everything you did- spending all that time with my mother.
- Oh, I enjoyed it.
- You did? Oh, God! Like someone could enjoy that! What areyou doing? I'm showing my support for the candidate.
- Here? - Yes, here.
- [Dharma Squeals .]
- In a carin firont ofimyparents'house? This is like high school.
[Laughing.]
- You did it in the car? - Yeah.
Where didyou do it? - In my bedroom.
- What aboutyourparents? - They had their own bedroom.
- [ Laughing .]
[ Dharma Screams, Laughs .]
[ Greg .]
Please tell me that was lightning.
Oh, come on.
Don't be such a Gloomy Gus.
You don't know that they're gonna print that picture, Greg.
That's true.
They do have that great one of me with my fly open.
You know, honey, I think the best thing I could do foryou right now is to just giveyou your own space.
- Thankyou.
- Yeah.
Doyou want some pudding? Did you know there was a full moon last night? It's all over the papers.
-Jane, not now.
- Okay.
When? Oh, now's fiine, Dharma.
Thankyou.
Front page- "Congressional candidate caught with pants down.
" See, that's you, that's Dharma and way down there by your ankles- that's yourpants! Okay.
I thinkyou better go now.
- Did I say something wrong? - Uh-huh.
- It was funny though, right? - Uh-huh.
- Hi.
It's me again.
- Hi, you.
- You're not mad at me, are you? - Of course not.
I love you.
And I need to make sure you really understand that because we may never have sex again.
You know, honey, sometimes the universe puts obstacles in our path to teach us things, to make us stronger and wiser.
I know that, Dharma.
You're right.
Doyou think it will have a bad effect on our marriage ifl start drinking in the morning? [Knocking.]
Why don't I get that? - Hi.
- Hi! Is your phone offthe hook? I've been trying to call you all morning.
- Sorry.
- [ Rings .]
You have no idea what's going on, doyou? Listen to this.
Front page ofthe Times.
"In this climate ofimmorality, our faith in human decency is renewed by the story of congressional candidate Greg Montgomery caught making love to his own wife.
" "Our faith in human decency.
" Shut up! - This is good news? - Good? This is fantastic! The morning shows loveyou, talk radio is all over this.
Greg, you're what this country's been waiting for- asexypolitician who's got the hots fiorhis wifie.
Here.
Check this out.
Haveyou heardabout this guy Greg Montgomery.
who is running fior Congress here in Califiornia? And he has been caught having sex.
Uh, but that's not the unusual part.
It was with Mrs.
Montgomery.
Oh,yeah.
Now, he's not committing adultery.
so we know he's not a Democrat.
Uh, but he was having sex so we know he's not a Republican.
We have gotta keep an eye on this guy.
- I don't believe this.
- Well, believe it.
You're back in the race, and you're gonna beat Washburn.
Dharma, doyou know what this means? Yes! You're not gonna turn into a grumpy old alcoholic who lives on our couch.
Yeah! But most importantly, the voters deserve a congressman who's working to serve their needs and not his own.
Okay.
That was congressional candidate Greg Montgomery.
.
And let's open up the phone lines, and let's talk back, San Francisco.
We've got Carol on line four.
[ Woman .]
Mr.
Montgomery, I just want you to know you've definitely got myvote.
- Thankyou very much.
What's your question? - It's actually foryourwife.
Dharma, how doyou keep yourhusbandinterestedin sex? Well, it starts with your attitude.
I mean, I like to think of sex with Greg as a form of meditation where our bodies join together to reach a higher consciousness.
Although there are times when I just jump him in the shower.
Does, uh, that helpyou, uh, Carol? Yes! Thankyou.
- Okay, next question! - Line four.
Yeah, I wanted to ask Greg about medical marijuana.
Uh, well, you know, that's a very complicated- Mr.
Finkelstein, is thatyou? No.
No, myname is Ed- EdZeppelin.
Okay.
Ifyou've just tuned in we're talking with congressional candidate Greg Montgomery.
He's taking your calls.
We've got Stewart, line five.
Yeah, I'd like to change the subject a little bit and talk about what Mr.
Montgomery's gonna do in Washington.
Good.
I'd love to talk about that.
Listen, whenyourwifie's not withyou doyou needa dirtymagazine, or doyoujust wing it? Mr.
Montgomery, what do you say to the American autoworker who wants to know whyyou were having sex in a foreign car? [ Man .]
Sir, any truth to the rumor that you and yourwife are posing for a calendar? See? Day after day, its the same thing.
That's it! I quit! What areyou talkin' about? This isn't the way I want to do this, Dharma.
I don't want to go to Washington on the slap-and-tickle ticket.
Hey! You're the one who said this is what you've wanted to doyourwhole life.
- I know- - You said we were gonna have to make some compromises.
Yeah, but I meant mostlyyou.
Greg, come here.
You can't bail on this now.
You can do so much good.
I mean it.
I believe in you.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I'll hang in there.
Mmm.
Yeah.
And frankly, I think thatyou should just keep on having sexwith me in public places until you're president ofthe United States.
[Phone Rings .]
Montgomery for Congress.
We're doin' it for America.
Hi, Andy.
Oh, what? Oh, uh, Washburn's on Channel 7.
Oh! As diffiicult as it is to saythis it has been more difficult to live this lie the last 30 years.
So with the support of my loving wife and my close friend Lloyd I'm coming out ofithe closet and I'm saying to all ofimy constituents and colleagues that Earl Washburn is gay and proud of it! [ Sighs .]
Uh-oh.
Think this is gonna hurt me? Honey, this is San Francisco and unless you can turn intoJudy Garland right now, you're through.
- [ Bell Dinging .]
- [Dharma.]
Hey, Greg, ever done it in a streetcarbefiore? Oh, what's the point, Dharma? Mypolitical career is- oh- [ Greg Singing.]