Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Dirk: Previously on "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" - Don't touch me! - Todd told Amanda the truth about not having their family disease Aah! That homicidal dirt muppet, Bart, still wants to kill me.
I believe in you.
Do what you're supposed to do.
I'm gonna kill Dirk Gently.
Oh, and then I solved the case.
- Aah! - Ohh! The unlimited energy device is a time machine? It was a sort of confusing time loop.
I also sort of lied about a couple of things.
- Who's that? - That's your best friend.
Todd took it a little hard.
After all this is over, don't ever speak to me again.
Thankfully, Farah escaped.
[Gunshot.]
All we have to do is save Lydia and send the machine back to Zachariah Webb in the past Aah! Aah! and close the time loop.
[Weapon powering up.]
- Oh, right.
- Aah! - Dirk! - [Grunts.]
Oh.
Shit.
[Techno music plays.]
[Tires screech.]
Now, you guys smell that? What? - What's wrong? - Something bad happened.
Oh, God.
Run! Run! Rimmer! [Grunting.]
Rimmer: Idiots! You're dead! Gah! - Estevez! - Shit! Farah Black? You're with them now? Drop your weapon.
They're the ones you want.
I am on your side.
- There are no sides.
- You're - Drop the gun now! - You're making a mistake.
You pointed your weapon at a police officer.
Drop it! Just listen to what I am telling you! 5 4 3 2 Listen to what I am Okay.
Okay.
Damn it.
[Weakly.]
I solved the mystery.
Don't talk.
Put some pressure right right here.
[Groans.]
Oh, God.
Todd? [Groaning.]
They're gone now, and we're we're going to be okay now.
You sure about that? [Electricity crackling.]
It's tough to be a princess, but I like a challenge.
[Chuckles.]
How can you tell what love feels like when everybody loves you? Sometimes, I feel like I've walked into someone else's dream.
[Whispering.]
Everything is connected.
Hey, Bart, I got clothes.
- It's a cold, hard fact.
- This is all I could find.
I stole it from downstairs, so I am really lucky to live in such a beautiful world.
- Bart.
- Why are you in such a hurry? Well, we got places to go right? [Whispering.]
Everything is connected.
Maybe we could just stay here and watch the TV.
[Sniffles.]
They got these shows in between shows that show you things you can buy in a store.
- Commercials? - Yeah.
They're terrific.
Okay.
It's like you wake up one morning and suddenly Commercials it is.
your parents hate you and your brother's gay.
And suddenly, your parents hate you and your brother's gay.
Everything is connected.
If you can't be a princess I never had a surprise before.
I only got two bullets left, eh? I still hurt all over.
[Breathes sharply.]
- Maybe - Bart two bullets.
Seriously? And that's your excuse? I saw you kill someone by waving at them.
All that stuff you said to me about life and purpose and stuff you think maybe surprises are good sometimes? Like, there could be such a thing as a surprise that helps you? Yes.
I do.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
What doesn't kill you, you know, usually makes you [Sobbing.]
Makes you hurt real bad and makes you cry? Makes you stronger.
It's Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I think you're right, Ken.
I think I want to see where those two bullets go.
Okay.
You know, I'll bet that, if you head out that door and start walking, you'll find out.
- [Laughs.]
- Hmm? - Ah! - [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Yeah! [Laughs.]
Yeah! [Both scream.]
You saved me.
Don't rub it in.
How are we gonna get out of this one, right? [Chuckles.]
Just another crazy situation.
Farah the night you were kidnapped, it was me behind the door you were knocking on.
I-I didn't let you in, and I know that, obviously.
You knew? It's not like I forgot which door I knocked on, Todd.
It's my fault.
I had my weapon drawn.
Well, right, but When I met you that first night, you you saved my life.
By the time I realized that was your door, I knew you well enough to understand why that door did not open that night.
It was my fault.
I [sighs.]
should never have been there in the first place.
Dirk: Ah.
See? You also knew a thing.
I didn't lie to you any more than you lied to Farah.
Yes, you did.
[Sighs.]
I would describe it as strategic no-truthing.
Estevez: Go on.
Go.
Go on.
Go.
Go.
[Barks, panting.]
Go.
[Barking.]
Stop.
Stop! All right, calm down, Lydia.
It's gonna be all right.
We're gonna figure this out.
It's gonna be all right, may [Barking.]
maybe.
- The corgi knows.
- Yeah.
Or, rather, Lydia Spring knows.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Spring.
It was destroyed after this nice, real detective shot it a bazillion times.
You shut up! All right?! I need to focus.
I need to I got to figure this out, all right? What is this place? Who are you people? How the hell did you do this to her? I want answers.
Talk! Okay.
So, 100 years ago All right, I'm gonna need you to shut up with that shit right now.
- I thought you said you wanted answers.
- I want reality! I want my reality back, and I want it back right Goddamn no [Grunts.]
I am not the enemy.
I-I just want to know what's going on.
Please, will somebody tell me what's going on, huh? Please.
[Grunts.]
More than 100 years ago, a man named Zachariah Webb built a machine that broke and went to the future, where these tattooed wackos found it and used it to swap souls.
They swapped Lydia with a corgi to use as leverage to stop Patrick Spring, who was actually also Zachariah Webb, having jumped through time to get his machine back.
I hate everything about this right now.
In 2002, after the Men of the Machine killed his wife, Patrick Spring, who was a fake identity, created to be the son of Edgar Spring, who was actually Zachariah Webb, jumped forward in time to last week, destroyed the Men of the Machine, and then went to the Perriman Grand to confront his future self, which led to the young Patrick Spring accidentally killing old Patrick Spring when a kitten went off and set off a shark explosion.
Wait.
So that's what happened? Fairly straightforward, I think.
Estevez, there's still a way to save Lydia.
That's right.
[Grunts.]
You destroyed this machine and this plug, but there's another way.
How? That thing.
Dirk: It's another version of the same machine, and we know where to plug it in.
[Rapunzel barks.]
Man: Sir? Sir, you can't come in here like that.
Shut up, idiot.
I'm talking to the captain.
- Hey! - Captain: Boys.
- Get in here.
- Stand down.
[Door opens.]
- You can't just come in - They stole the soul exchanger! And you know who has it? Your man, Estevez.
So it's finally over.
You got no friends left, Rimmer.
I've been making calls to brothers in high places all day.
Nobody's picking up.
There's no one left to help you.
You come in here, you put me in danger.
The Men of the Machine are over.
You've destroyed us.
No, no, no.
They're gonna try and switch Lydia and Rapunzel back.
We get that machine back, we get control.
We are gonna go to the only altar that's left.
We're gonna take men, we're gonna take weapons, and we're gonna go there.
If we quit now, then we lose everything.
But, no.
We go there.
[Whimpers, barks.]
[Growls.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I got you.
I got you.
Thank you.
I I feel less walky and more fally right now.
Don't mention it.
You You gonna stay with us? What? You mean, like, the living people? Yeah.
Ideally, yes, but you know how things are when you've got the cereal bowl flour exchanged.
Say what? There's a lot of wording happening should me no talk good 'cause blood all gone.
- Right.
- Arrow have.
I see that.
Todd, are you good? The answer to that question is kind of long.
Let's go.
Come on.
Put you down.
There we go.
There are six entrances to the house.
There's no way we can cover all of them, so if anyone comes in Estevez: Wait.
Would they come here? This thing is like their most sacred thing.
They're They're gonna be mad we took it.
So they know what's under this place.
What is under this place? A place with the mnh stuff.
Hmm.
Aah! Oh, shit.
Ms.
Black how much of this is legal? There are a number of loopholes, you know, legally, regarding what constitutes a militia with relevance to state law, and in accordance with You know what? Never mind.
This is the least illegal shit I've done all day.
If this is a time machine, can I go back? Go back? Where? Save my partner.
Some things can't be changed.
Whoo Lydia first.
[Groaning.]
[Rapunzel barking.]
You sure you know what you're doing? No.
I only saw them do this once.
[Barking.]
We jump them, then they switch places.
Make thing switchy.
Sw-Switch.
The Men of the Machine had a whole contraption for this.
[Electricity crackling.]
Is it supposed to do that? I'm not qualified to answer that question.
Estevez: Why can't I go back? It's already on.
I could go back.
I could I could I could fix this.
- I could fix everything.
- Bring Lydia here.
- [Barking.]
- Why are we even bothering with this? I could go back and stop her from ever being kidnapped.
Because it doesn't work that way.
Because it - [Electricity crackles.]
- Aah! - Todd.
- No, don't worry about me.
We're too close to give up now.
Hold her there.
[Whimpers.]
Okay.
Estevez, push that crank.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Yeah! [Whimpers.]
What the hell is that? [Engine rumbles.]
- Hey! - You killed her! - No, no, trust me.
You have to trust me.
- No, you killed her! - Switch them! Switch them now! - I got her.
I got her.
I got She's dead, man! - It's how you do it.
- She's not breathing.
- You friggin' killed her.
- Is this what's supposed to happen? It's gonna work.
Here.
3 2 1.
- Aah! - Aah! Hey.
Hey.
Come on, Lydia.
Whoo! [All shouting, laughing.]
Yeah! Screw this.
Aah! She bit me! [Crying.]
Come on.
Come on.
Come [Sniffles.]
Hey.
[Sighs.]
Farah? Lydia? - Oh, my God! - [Crying.]
Oh! Oh, my God! It worked.
Holy shit.
I thought we would never get you back.
I'm so stupid.
I should have never gone to that guy's house.
I knew you could do it.
The moment I saw you, I knew everything was gonna be all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- [Crying.]
- Okay.
Thank you so much.
We did the best we could for you, Lydia.
These guys threw me off a bridge.
Help you up.
Come on.
Look at me.
[Breathes sharply.]
- [Gunfire in distance.]
- We got company.
Wait.
Farah, where are you going? Stay here.
Farah, wait.
Stay here.
Oh, Jesus! Rah! [Breathing sharply.]
[Grunts.]
[Groaning.]
We have to fix the machine.
We have to send it back.
Send it back? We should destroy the stupid thing.
Dirk: No.
It won't work.
It needs this.
It needs to go back to where it came from to start the loop again.
Lydia: They put me in a dog.
I watched him feed me dog food.
I've been sleeping on the streets for a week.
I was so hungry, I ate a rat! If we don't send the machine back in time, you won't exist.
Todd: You're the center of the loop.
It all revolves around you.
T-This has to go back to your dad so that he can try and manipulate the future and eventually meet your mom and sex with her and - Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd.
- Everything's spinny.
Yep.
Still.
You guys are both dying.
No.
No, we're not.
We're okay.
Ohh! - [Glass shatters.]
- Todd.
We have to get out of here.
Someone has to tell Farah we Lydia.
Your dad did all of this to save you.
He died to save your life.
Okay.
What do I do? Cover me! Shit! What do I do now? How do I, like, turn it on or whatever? Turn the crank.
Wait.
No, no.
Wait.
The machine's still broken.
Shit.
You're right.
Okay.
Aah! [Grunting.]
Okay.
Okay, wait.
Maybe if I could just - Aah! - [Weapon powering up.]
No! [Gasps.]
Really? [Weapon powering up.]
Stop right now! I swear to God, I'll smash this stupid thing into a billion pieces! Ah! [Cocks gun.]
- Cover! - Copy.
Covering! Moving! - Aah! - Aah! [High-pitched ringing.]
[Coughs.]
I'll do it.
I'll You'll smash it? And then what? What then, Lydia Spring? What then? Who's that, Ed? Yo.
- Ohh! - [Thuds.]
- Jesus! - But Uh [Ken shivers.]
I'm sorry about earlier.
- I'll do it right this time.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Bart this is it.
T-These bald guys T-These are the guys that hired me the day you found me! And this thing this is the thing that they hired me to build.
[Electricity crackles.]
[Breathing rapidly.]
Can you fix this? Yes.
It's my destiny.
[Breathing quickly.]
Ha! [High-pitched ringing.]
[Grunts.]
Who has my gun? Who? Hey, R-Rapunzel.
Hi.
Hi.
[Rapunzel whimpers.]
Give me my dog.
[Rapunzel whimpering.]
Drop your gun.
I am gonna shoot you in the head.
[Chuckles.]
I am gonna shoot you in the head and take my Goddamn dog! One of those things is gonna happen.
Ah! Oh, oh, oh! [Rapunzel barks, whimpers.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Machine powers up.]
I think I did it.
I think I finished it.
Bart, this is why you brought me here.
I still got one bullet left.
[Gasps.]
[Breathes sharply.]
Weird.
No, no, no, no! [Clicking.]
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Bye, Dirk.
Wha Let's get out of here.
These people are nutjobs.
[Chuckles.]
[Breathing raggedly.]
[Electricity crackling.]
On 3.
1 2 3.
Aah! Aah! Solved it.
[Sighs.]
- Oh! - Hey, loser.
[Clatters.]
Amanda? You came back? Me and the Rowdy 3 came and saved you.
They say that's the last time, by the way.
- Saved me? - Yeah.
Duh.
Saved everyone.
There were like a hundred dudes out there.
And we beat them up, and then they ran away.
Dude, it was sick.
Where's Dirk? The cop took him to the hospital.
It was not pretty.
Farah took Lydia somewhere.
She said to meet her at this address at 6:00.
Dirk says you hate him now, 'cause he tricked you or something? He ruined my life.
Right.
All right.
Later, Todd.
Wait.
What? You have another lottery ticket? What was your plan with that, anyway? I was gonna try and fix things, fix everything.
Some things you don't fix, Todd.
Sometimes, when you fall down, you fall all the way down.
You blew it.
That's just the way it is.
[Sighs.]
Here's what I do believe.
I think Dirk Gently came into your life for a reason.
[Chuckling.]
I mean, two weeks ago, you were a 33-year-old hotel bellhop with no money and no friends who spent all of his time lying to me.
Now look at you.
You're the badass partner to a psychic detective, and you're honest.
Think about why Dirk lied to you.
You and Dirk, you saved that girl.
You saved that girl's life.
No matter what he lied about, isn't that the part that matters? I'll see you around, Todd.
Amanda are you really gonna leave with those guys? I mean, Todd, come on.
They already gave me a jacket.
[Door opens.]
Ken: You hungry? Bart: What is it? Ethiopian.
That's not a word.
- Is that a word? - [Barks.]
You did a thing back there with the thing.
Yes, I did.
And you did, too.
Hey, that guy, um, Dirk Gently you weren't supposed to kill him.
You were supposed to protect him.
That's not the first time that's happened, is it? I was supposed to bring you there, too, so And you did the thing.
And now that you did it, maybe you're gonna leave and Like, you did your destiny or whatever, and now that you did it, maybe you're gonna go.
And it's bad, Ken.
Well, you do, uh, whatever you want, you know, because I kidnapped you and and it it must have been really bad for you.
You know, I didn't think about your feelings and all that, and I don't want you to go, I I think.
Hey, um I'm not going anywhere.
[Laughs.]
Big hug.
Oh, oh! Okay.
Okay.
[Rapunzel barks.]
Security will meet you on the ground in Belize.
You cannot call me when you land.
From there, you'll be on your own.
You can access your father's offshore accounts.
Everything's I don't understand why I have to leave the country.
- It's just for now.
- [Trunk closes.]
We We don't know how many of them are still out there.
They could still be looking for you.
I don't even know who "they" are.
They're a cult formed around the time machine my father accidentally sent forward from the past.
They use a broken aspect of the machine to swap bodies.
The guy who kidnapped me was a rock star, and he got mad and betrayed them.
Coincidentally, on the same day, my father traveled into the future to get revenge for the murder of my mother.
I'm so sorry things ended this way.
I I let you down.
I let your father down.
What are you talking about? It was a time loop.
There was nothing you could do.
This was the best possible ending.
[Chuckles.]
Don't you see that? Farah, you kicked everyone's ass and saved me.
It was so you.
[Chuckles.]
It was? Yeah.
Ever since I was little, you were the most inspiring person ever.
But you always try to hide from what a freak you are.
Um And then, when my dad died and I was a dog and everything was hopeless, there you are with an army of weirdos, saving the day.
It was perfect.
You are perfect.
[Sniffles.]
Good luck, Farah.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[Cell phone beeps.]
I just gave you $4 million.
Huh? Wha How? My phone.
Duh.
Have fun with your new friends.
They seem insane.
Okay.
[Exhales sharply.]
In the beginning, it was just an idea.
I wanted [Sighs.]
I wanted so badly to believe that there was something bigger, a bigger pattern, bigger meaning.
I knew, when I first met you, I found it.
It was real.
It was all real, and you were proof.
[Sighs.]
You are what you say you are, and I am so proud of you.
[Monitor beeping.]
Very long story short until yesterday, it hailed as my greatest case, one of deception, danger, double-crosses, and an all-around perversion of high emotion, and dare I say it romance.
Puffles the horse had faked yes, faked his death by I need the chair.
Sorry? That you're in.
Oh.
Yes.
Quite.
Bye.
[Siren wails in distance.]
Oh, well.
Here I am again.
Todd: Where? Todd, you're here.
Mm.
But the the case is over.
How's your shoulder? It's terrible, actually.
Look, I don't I don't understand.
Did you want something from me or I can't help you.
I-I can't do anything to help your situation or what I said.
I don't need help.
Here.
I got this from your apartment.
Oh, um It's a "Mexican Funeral" T-shirt.
I don't have many left, so try not to get shot at in it.
Look, I am sorry, but I don't understand.
You're What do you want? Why are you here? I'm here because I'm your friend.
Besides, I don't want to miss out on when the next case starts.
So Didn't you say this band hated you? Yeah, well We're late.
Farah wants to meet up.
What? Really? Once Estevez gives us the all clear, some people are going to ask us some questions.
Undoubtedly.
And how do we answer them? Yeah, we can't tell people about the time machine.
We'll sound insane.
We don't want to sound insane.
No, we want to sound like sane guys.
So sane, we're boring.
Yeah, two boring, sane guys, having a normal time.
Let's say, best-case scenario, we come out of this not arrested, despite all the deaths.
Yeah, the the the deaths.
What then? I'd like to make an investment in your detective agency.
- Really? - What? But, uh But, uh But, uh But, uh But of course! I accept your proposal as my venture capitalist.
Proof of concept has clearly already been established.
But I remain quite firm on the signage.
A brass plaque "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" name recognition and all that.
I wouldn't want to muddy it with a jumble of "Farahs" and "Todds.
" It's It's cleaner this way.
And how much can I expect me to say yes to? If she's your partner, I don't think it's fair to nix her name.
No, I-I'd prefer my name to remain off the - name.
- Oh.
So it's settled.
And, Todd, I feel like you're no longer an assistant.
I'm promoting you to ward.
Isn't that like a male nanny? Yeah.
I'm not Okay, Dirk, you're pissing me off again.
Oh, well, you don't like the title? Comme tu regardes au dehors J'emporte un portrait dévoré Douleur destin bord à bord Here's my station Here's my station [Squeaking.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh But if you say just one word I'll stay with you Here's my station [Laughs.]
Here's my station What the hell? Trying to cover up your tracks, ass hole? [Grunts.]
Why did you shoot me? Oh, shit.
Ohh! [Panting.]
Dang it.
Pete's sakes.
Now it's You know This is Man, now it's just perfect.
This is just so me.
I don't know why I shot you.
Are you okay? Duh.
No.
Sorry.
You don't know what's going on.
No.
Right.
I-I know about the body-swapping guys and the machine.
We just burned the Spring house down and cleaned that up, and then we went and burned their place down, too, at the zoo.
I've just been burning everything down.
I-It We had a big file on that.
Big files on, like, everything.
And what do they want me to do, read 'em all? I can't do that.
It's It's boring.
I I just wanted to be in charge, but what they don't tell you is that, once you're in charge, there's all this other, like, blah-bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh, top secret, bleh.
You know what? They can't arrest me.
Like, we're gonna go kill the rest of those body-swapping guys, and it's all, like, top secret, so it's off of books, and all I had to do was write, like, an e-mail.
And And then we're gonna go get the, uh, the psychics, too all the ones that you've been tracking and more.
And they wouldn't let Riggins do it, I guess, but they like me more better, because they gave me $80 million.
[Chuckles.]
We have to kill everybody who knows about it.
So I guess I got to kill you, too.
No.
No, you don't have to do that.
You don't, uh [Grunts.]
I don't know anything.
I don't I don't even understand any of this.
I'm just trying to be a good cop.
Ohh! I'm just trying to be a good cop.
Please, you know, you don't have to.
Please, man.
Are you reaching for your gun right now? - [Panting.]
- Pbht.
[Wheezing.]
I'm just doing my job.
So if we do this - We're already doing it.
- Well, how do we find a case.
Just let yourself feel it.
Feel it? Yes.
Okay.
Take a moment.
Feel anything? Okay, close your eyes.
[Sighs.]
Anything at all? I To go to the bathroom.
- Hey.
It's - Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Farah, would you excuse me for a moment? Just a moment.
[Bells jingle.]
Thanks.
[Inhales deeply.]
Hoo-hoo! [Exhales deeply.]
[Growls.]
Vogle, get her out of here.
What? Go on, get! What? [Tires screech.]
[Guns cocking.]
[Weapon powers up.]
Man: Hands in the air! You want to rush?! Let's rush! [Howls.]
Let's get 'em, boys! Not now.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Dirk? [Sighs.]
[Cell phone ringing, buzzing.]
Amanda? Todd! Todd, oh, my God! They're coming! It's really bad! What? What's happening? Who's coming? Todd, listen to me.
You have to listen.
Wait.
Stay where you are.
I'll find you.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be fine.
- [Sizzling.]
- Aah! [Grunting.]
Oh [Grunts.]
Oh! [Screaming.]
Todd? Todd, what's happening?! - Ah, God! - Todd! [Screaming.]
Everything you want in this world First things first, get what you deserve