Disenchantment (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

Hey! Remember, Dagmar, when we used to sneak into church to smooch on this very spot? Oh, the fun we had.
If only I was caressing your warm, soft hand instead of this cold, stone foot.
I wish you were here for Beanie.
You know how hard it is being a father without a mother doing all the work? Oh, who am I kidding? I wish you were here for me.
Aw, he's like a coconut.
Hard on the outside, but on the inside - coconut.
- Jerry! Who said you could watch the Oracle Fire? Zog's leaving the church.
We must track his progress.
Show me the wizard.
Eye of newt, tail of newt, rest of newt and blood of elf.
Doink.
This better be the Elixir of Life.
I wish it were elixir of death, you fat sack.
Oops! - What? - Apologies, Your Highness.
I seem to have accidentally invented a truth serum, you gravy-swilling blowhard! Oh.
Truth serum? No king wants to hear the truth.
I want the key to life! You've had elf blood for weeks and what do you got to show for it? Well, I created a shampoo that can make any animal laugh.
How do I know he didn't used to do that? Make the Elixir of Life or I'll throw you in a wizard-proof cage, which for you is a cardboard box with a brick on it.
Promise me you won't attend my funeral.
So, I hope our drugged-out kiss isn't making things awkward.
- It's not.
- It's just, now we're in this weird limbo place and we don't know what we're doing.
I know exactly what we're doing.
We're shopping for turnips.
Oh, uh, hey, a distraction! What's going on? Why's everyone so excited? Remember how people used to just work, starve or eat? Now there's a fourth thing, entertainment.
Entertainment is just a tool that pacifies the masses and leads to the decay and ultimate collapse of civilization.
Let's clap along.
Uh, excuse me, pardon me.
Move your fat ass, please.
Ugh.
I really don't like the view from down here.
I love to sway and bounce to the music.
Miss Moonpence? Yes, Minister? Do I have an audience with the king this morning? - No, Minister.
- Good.
I've got a lot of official matters to take care of.
I wonder what's for lunch.
Goat loaf.
With spring vegetables.
And gravy.
They're out of gravy.
Oh, I'm in trouble, Oddie.
I can't crack the Elixir of Life no matter how much I abracazab and alakazoo.
I'm a fraud! I am, aren't I? As a friend and lover, there is none truer than you.
These hands I thought they had magic.
They do, and they will.
I just don't know how to work with this elf blood.
It's like it's made of crazy sauce.
I've tried every spell in the book I have.
Then perhaps you need a new book.
You see, there was another practitioner of the dark arts here.
The Witch.
This was her lair.
That's gonna need more than a fresh coat of frosting.
Hmm.
The Omnicon! The ancient book of spells and easy Sunday dinners of which only two copies are known to exist! The other belongs to Collecticus and is still sealed in its original box.
Hmm.
Hmm? Hmm.
"Elixir Vitae con Arroz.
" Elixir of Life with Rice! At last, the elf.
I've been stalking you, but you have come to me.
Oh, you're a stranger.
I've heard about you.
Now, where's my candy? Bless you.
Help, help! Elfo! Where are you? In here! Hurry, it's really itchy! Ho! I escaped.
No! I'll find you, Elfo.
I knew you should've kept him on a leash.
Mmm, boy, the new armor these days.
Have you seen it? So bulky.
I prefer to stay safe the old-fashioned way, running like a coward.
Your Highness, I have miraculous news.
Great, let me turn this off.
Eh? Oh, no.
Sire, we have found the secret to making the Elixir of Life using elf's blood.
And? The blood must be distilled in a special vial, known as the Eternity Pendant.
- And? - We don't have it.
But we do know of its most recent location.
But we looked, and it's not there.
But we can mount a crusade to find the vial.
But at least we have the elf.
Elfo has been kidnapped! Fine, fine, on with the whacking.
Hey! That picture was on the wagon they took Elfo away in! Belay the whacking.
Your Highness, whoever kidnapped Elfo knows about that vial, which means They're also after the Elixir of Life.
Find the vial, and we find Elfo.
Send all the knights on a quest for the vial! Cancel all other quests.
We'll find the one true god next year.
We can't let the Eternity Pendant fall into the wrong hands.
- Summon our stealthiest assassin.
- Right here, sir.
Don't do that.
Fellow knights, my lady, and Mertz's mother, who insisted on coming.
You won't even know I'm here.
Don't slouch, peanut.
We embark on our quest to bring immortality to our lord and ruler, the King of Dreamland.
And find Elfo! Aw, that's sweet.
You miss your friend.
But if you don't find him, maybe I'll introduce you to my son.
You look like you're in his league.
The Witch's spellbook is the key to everything.
We must find her and ask what she knows about the vial.
Her new place is just ahead.
When their gingerbread house blew up, she and her sister downsized to a candy condo.
All right, men, we've got ten minutes until our saddles melt.
Would you care for some lightly cursed cookies? If we could get to the point of our visit.
This was yours, was it not, Witch? Please, call me Gwen.
Actually, it belonged to my no-good ex-husband, Malfus.
Ooh, I love it when people talk smack about their exes.
Dish, girl! Malfus was obsessed with making the Elixir of Life.
And once he found the Eternity Pendant, things went south.
So where is he now? He went north.
He took himself far away from society to live atop the highest mountain in the land.
The Devil's Snowcone.
"Do you dare enter the Cave of the Single Trap?" Which of you brave knights will enter first? Probably him.
Very well.
They don't call me Mortimer the Expendable for nothing.
Now that the single trap has been triggered, I'm sure the cave is safe to enter.
Allow me.
Okay, now that the two-part single trap has been triggered, the cave is even safer to enter.
Turbish? Mertz? What if there's a third? You're not sending my peanut in there.
Mom You put on metal clothes, I'm supposed to stop worrying about you? I'd rather die than listen to this.
I'm going in.
I'm hidden in the deepest, darkest part of the cave.
- You shall never find me! - There you are! Are you Malfus the Philosopher? I am.
And who are you, that you passed through the Single Trap with Two Parts? I am Sorcerio, Wizard of Wonder.
Your traps are no match for Parties of three or more? Yes, I must do something about that.
Now, look, we seek the Eternity Pendant.
Have you availed yourself of it and been blessed with immortality? Immortality is a curse.
When life is endless, so is everything else.
The monotony, the repetition.
The monotony, the repetition.
The monotony, the repetition.
The monotony Where was I? Oh, yes, the repetition.
The monotony.
- Let me tell you a story.
- Please don't.
I once knew a charming and brave maiden.
Her name was Gwen.
And after all that, we fell for each other, hard.
The type of love that is forged in adventure and sealed in the bedroom.
That is so what I want.
Be careful what you wish for.
We pledged our eternal love for each other and I thought, what if our love could actually be eternal? All it took was one drop of elf blood.
I used it, but Gwen refused.
She was the smart one.
We'd already been married for 90 years and weren't sure our 17th dog was going to solve our problems.
It did, for a while.
But then it didn't, so we split.
I came here, but not before I got rid of that infernal vial! Got rid of it? I threw it over the Edge of the World.
There's such a place? Just up Cherrywood Road.
Take a right at the dance academy.
But it will do you no good to get that vial.
You need elf's blood.
We have an elf.
Or, at least, we had one.
He was kidnapped.
By someone with this symbol on their wagon.
You say they have your elf? If they get that vial, it will be cataclysmic! Find him, and it, and them! And maybe on the way, yourselves.
It's all in my book.
It's less a book and more a letter to my father.
Farewell, Malfus.
Let me give you a gift to help lift your tedium.
What need have I for a horse? This is no ordinary horse.
A laughing horse! Hooray.
The cave will be filled with the sound of laughter and the smell of horse.
Now, please, go.
The Eternity Pendant must not fall into the wrong hands.
Malfus, how do you know we'll use the vial properly? You don't know anything about us.
I know all about you, Tiabeanie.
But I didn't tell you my name.
Well, it's a long story, I Hee-ya! The sound of your laughter brings me such joy.
So I'll eat your head last.
They call it an edge, but it's really more of a gentle slope! Well, we're never gonna find Elfo this way.
Is that all you care about? I've lost three of my finest suits of armor.
And their contents.
Aw, here's the world's smallest lute.
I'm gonna find out what they know in the gift shop.
Say, Darrell, what happens to the stuff that goes over the edge? It falls forever, I guess.
Has anyone ever gotten something back? Well, mostly people throw stuff they don't want back.
We also sell stuff people don't want.
Do you want some? For a shilling I can engrave it with the name of an unloved one.
No, thanks, but I will take this rope.
Would you like it engraved for a shilling? What part of "no, thanks" do you not understand? The "no" part.
- What's up? - Why did you jump? Eh, Mrs.
Mertz looked at me like she was gonna say something.
Thank you for saving us, sir.
I didn't save you so much as you fell on me.
Make yourselves at home.
Would anyone care for regurgitated salmon? No.
That's gonna be a hard nope.
No offense, but what the hell's up with your schnoz? I'm a griffin.
Half-man, half-bird, half-lion.
The last female of my kind.
- You're a lady? - Gender is a spectrum.
Why are your people going extinct? These days, most men prefer to fornicate with something other than a giant bird.
I don't suppose any of you would be willing to help a gal out? Is it cultural appropriation if I wear a beak? Dude, keep your cape on.
Look at the stuff in his nest.
I decorated it myself.
With objects that fell into it.
Many of them engraved.
This one says "I hate you, Darrell.
" Did anything similar to this fall in? No.
But that exact thing fell in.
May we see it? No.
I traded it years ago to a king with a crown of snakes.
A king? From where? The Lost City of Cremorrah.
Cremorrah? Of course.
Cremorrah.
It's that creepy exorcist! I have a name, you know.
Big Jo.
Indeed.
Thank you for the information, Birdman.
You've saved me a lot of time.
Unlike other villains, I shan't be telling you my plan.
Good day.
Oh, and in my mind, I'm not a villain.
I think what I'm doing is good.
He must be the one who took Elfo.
We gotta go after him.
Birdman, activate! Any other requests? Help! They tied us up! Hurry, my mom's gag is coming loose! Good luck with that.
Giddyup! Faster, Porky! I have a brilliant idea.
- Birdman, activate! - Oh, boy.
Damn it! Drop another one! All right, but I'll need 20 minutes and a big glass of milk.
Well, you gotta drop something on them.
What the hell was the egg supposed to do anyway? Yeah, now what? We gotta sneak our way to the front.
We'll take 'em by surprise.
Yeah! How sweet.
You missed me.
What the We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
I'm all about the easy way.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Where am I? - In the hold of a cargo ship.
Elfo? Oh, my God, where are you? In the hold of a cargo ship.
- I meant, I don't see you.
- I'm in a sack.
And there's something huge on top of me.
Feels like a bear! Help, it's ripping it open! Bean! Oh, Elfo, I'm so happy to see you! Look at your sweet face! I missed you so much! Oh, I missed you so much! Porky and Big Jo have a really toxic relationship.
Behold! The Lost City of Cremorrah! Eh, I've beheld better.
How are we supposed to find the vial if we can't even find the city? Legend has it, the Eternity Pendant is awakened by proximity to an elf.
As Elfo nears it, the vial will give off a tone.
You expect me to crawl around this overheated hellscape until I hear a beep? No, Mr.
Elfo, I expect you to fry.
Ow! You gotta be kidding.
That's hot.
Mother bitch.
Thanks, Bean.
I'm not burning anymore.
Now the only pain is humiliation.
I think I found something! It may be A way in.
- What happened here? - Maru happened here.
I have no idea what that means.
I'm just really short of breath.
Cremorrah was a kingdom of unimaginable wealth of snakes.
Their thriving snake-based economy was the envy of the known world.
People became so wealthy, their pockets were bursting with snakes.
The neighboring kingdom of Maru, with its mouse-based economy, was both jealous and in constant peril.
Maru decided to attack Cremorrah, but, with no army, they were forced to resort to magic.
They made a potion that could vanquish an entire kingdom without a single sword.
Maru flooded Cremorrah with the potion and the residents were instantly turned to stone.
But the king wasn't here.
Clearly, his people had a wild wingding while he was away.
Can you imagine such disrespect? I cannot imagine.
Such disrespect.
When the king returned, he found everyone frozen in place.
That must be why he sought the powers of the Eternity Pendant.
Noice.
He didn't have elf's blood, so he, too, was turned to stone.
Still, he was the last to possess it.
Find the king, find the vial.
There he is.
Remember the solemn moment we first laid eyes on King Doris.
Wow, one day you're an amazing civilization, the next you're a creepy spook-house.
Forty-five years of necromancing has led me to this moment.
Porky, quit joking around and search the king.
You will never get the vial! You're not a stone guard guy! Who are you? I am an assassin from Maru, in the service of Emperor Cloyd.
And what is your charge? To protect the Eternity Pendant! And to answer all questions! Let's slip out under cover of all the clanking.
Bean, wait.
If we come home without the vial, your dad will pop a blood vessel.
Probably one of yours.
We don't even know where it is.
It's not on the frozen king guy.
Ah.
Looks like a bunch of dead mice and Wow.
Ha.
Nothing to see here.
- Got ya! - No! Let go! Ha! Because of you, I lost a hand in that volcano.
And now you shall lose a foot, as I take this boot and all that's within it.
No wonder Porky hates you.
My shiny new arm! Go! She's leaving with the vial! Weren't you told not to let anyone take it? Not anyone, just you.
My job is done.
See you in Hell, weirdo.
Let's see how you like getting bottled up.
You'll never be able to fill this whole room with sand.
Uh, sure we will.
There's a whole desert up here.
Whoa! Whoa! Our plan is even closer to fruition.
To the end of Dreamland.
While I question their evil motives, it is nice to see them happy.
Immortality is folly.
Those who desire it become blind to what is precious and right before them, our daily lives.
That we may live each day and say You know, I'm profoundly lonely, but I think you should leave.
Hey!