Disjointed (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 You've laughed with them.
You've cried with them.
They've been part of your family for over two hours.
But now on a shocking episode of Disjointed And it's Jake from episode four.
No! Oh, he's dead.
He flew high, oh, so high He sailed up in the sky But he banged his head And now he's dead Jake is dead now He got high, far too high He sailed into the sky He parasailed and epic-failed Jake is dead now He was feeling one with the universe And made a mighty blunder A hundred feet above the earth But now he's six feet under He flew high, oh, so high He sailed up in the sky He banged his head And now he's dead Jake is dead now Poor Jake Bone.
Parasailed straight into the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier.
Ugh.
That's so horrible.
Oh! Yeah.
There's video of the moment he hit.
Send it to me.
- Hey, Ruth? - Mm-hm? Can I talk to you for a few minutes later? Oh, God.
You're not quitting, are you? I can change.
I'll stop stealing Skittles from your desk.
It's just that I get so high.
No, it's not that.
I, uh, just need some advice about something personal.
Of course, Carter.
Helping people is my favorite part of the job.
Wait, wait.
Second favorite.
I'm always here for all you guys.
And I'm here for my patients, too.
Medically, of course, but also spiritually.
- Uh-oh.
Here comes Goddess Ruth.
- If I could do something about the parking, my people, I absolutely would.
Duck Dynasty, it's about to be your lucky day.
What the fuck? Free joints for everybody.
Oh, great.
Hey, Pete, quick, how do I look? - Through your eyes.
- Fantastic.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- You made it.
- So, this is the place, huh? Uh-huh.
My little cannabis kingdom.
Come on in.
I'll show you around.
This is my boy, Carter.
I'm not your boy, never have been.
Carter, this is, uh This is Tina.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Wow, Travis, you dying? Is she your Make-A-Wish? Oh, he's kidding.
- No, I'm not.
- Moving on.
- So, you own this place? - Yes.
Well, no, I run it.
Technically, someone else owns it.
That would be Ruth? Yeah.
She's my mom.
I'd introduce you, but then you'd meet her.
Anyways, this is Pete, that's Jenny.
They work for me.
You know? But I treat them like equals.
I'm impressed.
You've really got your shit together.
Oh, there's plenty more shit where that came from.
I am full of shit.
Oh, and this is Olivia.
Olivia, I'd like you to meet Tina, my girlfriend.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi! I love your shirt.
Thanks.
It's It's mine.
Anyway I just stopped by to say hey.
- I should really get to work.
- Oh, of course.
- Tina's a makeup artist.
- Oh.
She gives free makeovers to homeless women to prepare them for job interviews.
Cool, heh.
I sell drugs to people.
Awkward.
She was into me a while back.
I had to shut that shit down hard.
So we still on for tonight? Oh, yeah.
All right.
I'll give you a call.
Bye.
Woohoo! You already know I got fire, got oil Got wax, got shatter I got a blond on her back screaming Black lives matter Got weed Got stacks Got ice Got drive Got Becky from a Becky On the 405 White girls and weed White girls and weed All a brother need Is white girls and weed Huh, I got that pot Got bottles Got two degrees I got your wife and your daughter Both on their knees Got trees Got swag Got models and a mic Got a bitch named Tina That I'm lovin' like Ike White girls and weed White girls and weed White girls and weed All a brother need Is white girls and weed 'Cause it's a rap song.
I rap.
King of the trap music, y'all.
Hey, Travis, we're low on Blue Dream.
Don't fuck with me, girl.
You know we rolling in that shit.
I'll just check the storeroom.
Hey, Ruth? Oh, hey, Carter.
- You see that girl Travis brought? - Yes.
I saw her on the monitor.
- So, what'd you think? - Permission to speak freely? I mean, damn.
Yeah.
I was gonna come out and say hi, but then I thought, why bother? I mean, - she's way too hot for him.
Yeah.
- She's way too hot for him.
Yeah.
Whew! So, what's on your mind? Well, uh you know, I I've been smoking weed for Medicating for a while now, you know, and And, uh it's been good.
- Helpful.
- Yeah.
You seem so much more relaxed and happier.
I mean, you're finally coming in late and taking long lunches and Yeah, every day, you give less of a fuck.
Kudos.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, around here, I'm good.
But when I go home you know, whether I'm high or not, I, uh I feel alone.
And I am alone.
And I've been keeping all this shit bottled up way too long and I gotta get it out.
Look.
I'm ready to explode.
Well, I am here to listen.
- I just - Hold that thought.
I just gotta go pee.
Welcome to a very historic and politically relevant Strain O' the Day.
Behold, the first ever cannabis smuggled out of the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea.
It's called Pyongyang Green.
Look at this lush, well-nourished, leafy flower that has over a hundred times the THC of your sickly Western degenerate bud.
Also, it doesn't give you the munchies, which is very useful if you're a North Korean.
Now, this beauty was found in a secret pocket in the knapsack of a dissident who drowned trying to escape across the Yalu River.
And we're selling it for 40 bucks.
I don't feel good about that.
We should either charge less or donate that money to refugee swimming lessons.
Just read your lines! But it's not fair.
We need to support freedom.
I insist So, come on down to Ruth's and pick up some Pyongyang Green.
It's Kim Jong-Un-believable.
Pick up your thumbs.
Oh Tina's gonna love this one.
Okay, you can stop now.
I get it.
Get what? You brought some girl here to make me jealous on a Wednesday, which is the one day you know I don't shower.
Okay, first of all, I didn't know that.
Second of all, yikes.
Look, I brought Tina here because she's a stoner, and I run a pot dispensary, and chicks go nuts for that shit.
Like Tina's gonna tonight, dude.
Ohh.
I get it, we're bros now.
That's what we're doing.
We're broing it up here in the bro room? Fist bump.
No.
No, this This is good.
No, this works for me.
'Cause, you know, Bro-livia's got a date tonight, too.
Tinder-style.
Gonna swipe that shit hard.
Get my dick on.
- Well, now I need a shower.
- Yeah.
You do.
I did three combat tours in Iraq and I feel more safe there than I do as a black man in America.
Can't get more than two, three hours of sleep at night.
Plus, the last woman I was with I mean, I I messed that up because of Ruth, I feel guilty just being alive.
What do I do? Whoa.
I, uh No, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I am putting a lot on you right now No, no, no.
No.
You never need to apologize.
I just, um I need I need a little time to think about this.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll, uh - I'll just be at my desk.
- Sounds good.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
What's your problem, Ruth? We got this.
Thank goddess you're here.
I'm always here.
Now, what are you worried about? You've given people great advice your whole life.
Remember when you told Cher to go solo? Well, that's true.
I ran into her at Jane Fonda's exercise class, and I just said, "You know what? Lose the little guy.
" Exactly.
You have within you the wisdom of Gaia, the Earth Mother.
But But Carter is a 30-year-old man.
He's a veteran with PTSD.
I don't have the first clue what to say to him.
Well, he came to you.
And that means he wants to hear whatever you have to say.
And that means anything you have to say will be right.
But that doesn't make any sense.
I mean, isn't that presumptuous of me? You dare question me? I'm your inner goddess.
Thunder and lightning! Jenny, does it smell funny in here? Well, it is Olivia's No-Shower Wednesday.
No, I mean the plants.
They've smelled weird ever since you cleaned the tank.
Oh? What do they smell like? Well, I'm getting a little creeping lobelia and wolfberry.
And I wanna say pigs' testicles? Pete, please don't be mad but I dumped my mother's special herbal tea in the tank in a symbolic act of catharsis.
I'm sorry.
I should've cleared it with you, but sometimes you just gotta cathart.
You fuck shitter! You shitting fuck! You put foreign substances in the water my plants drink without asking me? But you said they're doing better than ever.
Jenny, unlike you, I don't have children.
- I don't have children.
- These are my children.
And I am responsible for raising them.
That means I'm in charge of when they sleep, how much light they get, what they watch on Family Movie Night, and most importantly, what goes in their shit-fucking water.
I'm really sorry, Pete.
I didn't think it was a big deal.
It wasn't a big deal? If you were on the compound where I grew up, you'd have to spend a week in the Big Deal Room.
What's in the Big Deal Room? I don't know, because I never had to go there.
Get out.
I am so sorry, sheilas.
I've done dwumbled it again.
Drango.
I'm a damn stroob.
Ugh.
Worse than a stroob.
I'm a failure.
I don't speak Chinese.
I said, you're not a failure, Pete.
Wha? So, Carter um over the years, a lot of people have opened up to me about their problems, and, frankly, most of those problems and people, were stupid.
But not you.
You really matter to me.
And on reflection, I realize that maybe I'm not the best person to give you the help that you need.
But I have a friend who's a clinical psychologist.
And he's really smart.
He deals with a lot of veterans.
And I told him about you Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
You told some psychologist about me? Well, I didn't use your name.
I just told him you worked here for me as a security guard.
I came to you in confidence.
The first thing you do is you pawn me off to somebody else, put my business in the street.
You know, I could call ten psychologists about all the crazy shit you do.
But you know what? I respect people's privacy.
The fuck, Ruth? So, what'd I miss? Christ.
Wow.
Gorgeous.
The joint's not bad, either.
Am I right? Can you do me a favor? Find something wrong with her so I don't go hang myself? Nothing's wrong with her.
Travis got himself a real hottie this time.
What do you mean this time? My God, you're so pretty and so skinny.
Shut up.
- Carter.
- Carter.
The man, the myth, the missing person.
Whoa.
I gotta say, Carter looks way different when he's not here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a great observation, baby, but no problem, 'cause Dank will now be Carter.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll be Dabby.
- Yeah.
Okay.
ID and recommendation, please.
Come on, Carter, it's me, Dabby.
Oh, well, nice try, Dabby.
But if you were Dabby, then where's your boyfriend, Dank? Oh, fuck.
I mean, he was just here.
- Those guys are hilarious.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we sponsor their YouTube channel.
Another one of my ideas.
Hey, yo, Dank, Dabby, join us.
Heh.
Well, yo, what's up, Trav? I would've been over here earlier, but Carter was giving Dabby a real hard time.
Well, Dank, Dabby, this is Tina.
Ooh, Tina.
Tina Fey, Tina Fey Dunaway with murder.
Shh! Tina.
You got what I like.
Come on, now.
On your feet.
Mm-hm.
Come on, now.
Give us a little twirl.
Come on.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
I didn't say sit down! No, she didn't.
Okay, sit down.
So, Tina let me ask you.
Who's your Dabby? I'm sorry.
These guys are crazy.
I No, I love their energy.
Oh.
We got a lot of energy, Tina.
Energy.
E.
E equals MC cubed Don't you fuck this up with that wordplay shit, Dank! - Fuck! - All right! - Fuck! - All right! - Fuck! - All right! - Guys? - So, Tina I'm just gonna put this out there.
You got great tits.
So do I.
We should get them together for a little play date, hmm? Okay, okay.
Look Hey, Olivia.
Would you mind just getting Dank and Dabby their free weed? Tina and I were gonna go get lunch, guys.
Oh, cool.
I could eat.
I could eat for half an hour nonstop.
Like Pac-Man: Yeah.
And I when I go down Euh, euh, euh Oh, dear God.
That is so interesting.
I never thought of nitrogen like that before.
So smart.
We're smart because of you.
You're the best daddy ever.
And that tea really helped, too.
Really? You liked the tea? We loved it.
- Right, girls? - Yeah! More tea! More tea! More tea! Pete? I'm sorry about what I did to the plants.
No.
You've done a wonderful thing.
Aw.
Okay, you're starting to worry me.
Well, this will make you feel better.
The plants have something they wanna tell you.
Sadie you have the floor.
She's their leader.
- Pete, I think - Shh, let her finish.
Can you believe that? Twelve weeks old, and so eloquent.
All right.
Sadie, please tell Pete to smoke less and get some sleep.
What's so funny? That's not Sadie.
That's Coco.
Our next viewer question.
"Dear Dank and Dabby" That's us.
"How are you not dead yet?" Oh, man.
- We get that one all the time.
- So much.
Well, we stay in shape.
We ran a Toyotathon last year.
Also, we, like, smoke a lot.
- And that's how you cure things.
- Yeah.
Like bacon is cured with smoke.
That's how they fix it.
Fucking mind blown.
Whoa! Fucking mind blown.
And I smoke any time I'm not feeling good.
Like one time I had a cold, and I got high, and I got my cold high.
Do you guys have any almond milk? Top shelf, babe.
What are we gonna do about her, Dank? I don't know.
This is why I don't like three-ways.
It's one way too many.
- I'm a one-woman man, at most, baby.
- At most, yeah.
And sometimes not even that.
I'm like, "Get out of the room.
Let me tug my own penis.
" Yeah.
I mean, like, the The sex The sex wasn't even that good.
- So overrated.
- Yeah, it was - Just, like, bodies, sweat, moist.
- Bodies and sweat and just moist.
- And just like Guh - In the bed - It was fucking awesome! - It was fucking good! I fucking loved it! - Unh! Unh! Ow! Ooh! - Ah! - Let's go fuck again! - Let's fuck her! After you.
Oh, did you turn the camera off? I'm pretty sure I did.
So, Tina ended it with you? Uh I think so.
Pretty sure she lives with Dank and Dabby now.
Well, you know what they say.
If you love someone, give them to two ridiculous stoners.
And if they come back, then you really don't want them.
Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Give me a minute? Hey, Carter.
Carter.
You know what I miss the most, man? Green.
The color green.
Enough of this tan-camel shit.
I miss real green.
Like trees, bushes, grass.
"Better not tell you now.
" Fuck you, eight ball.
Magic, my ass.
- Hey, Ruth.
- Hey, Carter.
- What I said earlier, I - Forget about it.
You know, I never should have called that guy without talking to you first.
Yeah, well, since you did This is not easy for me.
Hey, before I forget, I picked up one of these word-find books that you like.
Thank you.
Happy searching.
Meep, meep.
Meep, meep.
Now, what the fuck is he doing? Meep, meep.
Meep, meep.
See, the dingo is constantly pursuing the kookaburra all over the outback.
No, Sadie.
I don't think he wants to play with him.
He wants to eat him.
No, no, don't be scared.
See, the kookaburra, he's a crafty one.
He's always one step ahead of the dingo's crazy contraptions.
Sorry, Coco, you're right.
I'll stop talking.