Doug (1991) s01e08 Episode Script

♪♪
[barking]
♪♪
[barking]
♪♪
[panting]
sometimes the simplest thing can
turn out to be your worst
to think that
nightmare, like
getting a haircut?
No!
[barking]
♪♪
That's me.
♪♪
Hey![barking]
[barking]
[Doug]
It all started
a few days ago.
You know, Porkchop,
I put it off and put it off,
but I just can't put
it off any longer.
I need a haircut.
But nobody has ever cut
my hair the way Big Al
did back in Bloatsburg.
Probably because no one
else ever has cut my hair.
Just what you need,
Doug, my boy.
A nice haircut.
Yeah!
There you go.
Yeah!
Thanks,
Mr. Sweeny!
I've gotta find somebody
here in Bluffington
who can cut my hair the
way he did, the way I like it.
Normal, but not dopey.
Neat,
but kinda messy.
It's gotta be just right,
but not too right.
What's that?
Hola, Douglas.
Get
a load of this.
What is it,
Mr. Dink?
Why, it's my brand-new
state-of-the-art
handy dandy
hedge sculpteror.
My tribute to you,
my dearest.
Some women are
put on pedestals.
I get put in a planter.
Whatcha doing today,
Douglas?
I'm getting
a haircut.
Which one?
Get
it?
Which one?
Um,
all of them.
Well, let me
recommend a place to you.
See how good
they cut mine?
It's nice.
It's the latest.
Very
expensive.
Here's the card.
[Doug]
Cutting
Edge Hair.
Very expensive.
Hmm.
Tell 'em Bud
Dink sent you.
Uh, thanks for
your help, Mr. Dink.
Yeesh.
Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.
[honking]
Yo, Doug!
Hey, Porkchop.
Oh, hey, Skeeter.
Wanna go to
the mall with me?
I'm getting this new video game
called "Canine Space Race."
It's rocket ships,
but poodles fly 'em.
Oh, sorry,
I can't.
I gotta find some
place to get a haircut.
Oh, cool, you're
getting your ears lowered.
Yeah, well--what?
Doug, getting your ears lowered
means getting a hair cut.
Oh.
Yeah.
I knew that.
Oh, why are you
just standing there,
frittering your
lives away?
Gather ye rosebuds.
The sands of time
are running apace.
Cool, where?
I was trying to figure out
where to get my hair cut.
Oh, follow me.
I'm getting mine
done today too.
I have just
the place for you.
Really?
I'm getting my hair
dyed purple to match.
Hey, maybe they'll have
a two for one sale.
Well, here we are.
I don't think this place
is right for me, Judy.
[Judy]
It's perfect.
You could use
a new image.
Ow!
♪♪
Honestly, Doug,
you're so pedestrian.
Huh?
Huh?
What's
your area code?
Hey, my
favorite customer!
Hi, Devo.
This is my brother,
Doug.
An invisible
brother named Doug.
That's huge.
[Doug]
This whole haircut thing was
gonna be harder than I thought.
Let's go
to the mall.
There's a place there called
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.
You'll like
it, I promise.
Uh, I don't know,
Skeeter.
I'm telling you, they'll
make your hair look perfect.
Perfect.
♪♪
Huh?
Okay.
Let's go.
I have a good
feeling about this.
Ah!
[laughing]
Well, if it
isn't Funnie face
and his comical sidekick
Mosquito.
What brings you
two losers to the mall?
I'm getting a haircut.
Well, that ought
to be fun to watch.
Hey, man,
who invited you?
Hey, free country.
Come on, Doug,
let's go, man.
♪♪
Well, I gotta go
to the video store, Doug,
but this is the place.
Ooh, phew, there's this one girl
who works there named Fluke.
Make sure
to avoid her.
She's crazy.
But anybody
else is great.
Well, good luck, man.
Okay.
Thanks.
♪♪
Huh?
[woman]
Next!
I guess that's me.
Don't let 'em
scalp ya, Funnie.
And whatever you do, no
sudden movements.
Patti?
Hey, Doug.
You get your hair
cut here too?
Oh, yeah.
I mean,
doesn't everybody?
Yours looks
great.
Okay, enough
flirting.
Let's get
down to business.
It's time for me to create
a new what's your name?
Doug.
Ah, a new Doug.
I'm Cynthia.
Phew.
But, but everybody
calls me Fluke.
Uh, you know, now that I think
of it, I'm not really sure--
Hey, would
you chill out?
I've got to check your
hair profile.
Now, let me see.
I've got it!
A perm!
It's
you.
Uh, no, it must
be somebody else.
All I want--
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Don't argue
with the artist.
No, look,
really.
And, and, and,
oh yes, this is it.
Highlights!
Perfection!
Um, could I please
say something here?
And mousse!
Mousse will give it
that lift and volume,
that spirit and that
sense of danger.
It's going to be
so fabulous,
you won't even
recognize yourself.
But I don't want to
not recognize myself.
How would I know
who I am?
[Doug]
I couldn't stay.
I'd end up with
cotton candy for hair.
But I couldn't just leave;
Patti would see me.
What's the matter, Funnie?
You look sick.
I'm going to call this
masterpiece a tornado of curls!
Wish me luck!
Sorry!
Hey,
Doug--Doug?
Where'd he go?
That Funnie's
such a wimp.
Hey, since you're free,
wanna cut my hairFluke?
[Doug]
This was turning out
to be the worst day ever.
No haircut and Patti
Mayonnaise probably
thought
I was a total loser.
Ow!
Sorry.
It's all right.
You know, you look like
you have a lot on your mind.
And you're looking kinda shaggy
if I do say so myself.
I know just
what you need.
A nice haircut.
Free.Free?
How come?
Well, you'll be my
first customer.
Really?
This is my first
day in Bluffington.
It's hard being the
new guy in town.
I know.
I just
moved here too.
Well,
I'm glad you did.
What's your name?
Doug.
Okay, then, Doug.
What can
I do for you?
Well, I want a trim,
but not too short.
It should be
neat, but kinda messy.
I like it--Relax.
I think I know
what you mean.
[Doug]
Oh, uh, careful.
Yeah, that's good.
No, uh
Ta-da.
Perfect.
Yahoo!
Wait a minute.
I know who
you remind me of.
The guy who cut my hair in
Bloatsburg.
I have a cousin in
Bloatsburg who's a barber.
Big Al Sweeny.
That's him!
Joe Sweeny.
Happy
to know you.
Here, never too old
for one of these.
Thanks!
[Doug]
Dear Journal,
hi, it's me, Doug.
I got my ears
lowered today.
Everybody wanted to make me
different, but I know now that
you have to be
who you are
'cause if you're not who you
are, then who are you?
Who are you?
I mean,
who is it?[honking]
[Skeeter]
Skeeter!
[Doug]
Well,
come on in.
You gotta look out
the window quick, Doug.
Yeah, what are
you looking at?
You looking at me?
What, you think
I look funny?
Get out of here!
I guess nobody
warned Roger about Fluke!
[laughing]
Ooh, I told you
to get lost!
What's the matter?
Didn't you ever see
a guy with a haircut before?
Get outta here!
[Doug]
Dear Journal, any minute now,
Grandma Opal is coming to visit.
I really like my grandma,
but sometimes I wish she were
more like a normal grandmother.
♪♪
Oh boy!
Grandma!
Greetings,
Grandma Opal.
Sit down in your
favorite rocker.
Here.
Bless you, dears.
Here's a jar of my famous
homemade pickled beets
I canned for you.
[all]
Mmm, good.
Now, run along.
Grandma's gonna
quietly sit here
and knit each one of you some
socks out of this dryer lint.
[Grandma Opal]
Yoohoo!
Rock and roll,
Funnie family!
Grandma's here!
Come on out.
Hang on, Porkchop.
Grandma Opal's
come to town.
[barking]
♪♪
That's me!
♪♪
Hey![barking]
♪♪
[barking]
And this is
for you, Judy.
It's a pair of genuine
Indian mukluks from my climbing
expedition up Mount
Nosebleed.
Oh, thanks,
Grandma.
They're perfect for
my new one-woman show
"The Abominable Snow Girl."
So Phil, Theda.
How do you like
your presents?
[Theda]
Terrific.
[Phil]
Thanks, Mom.
We love them.
They're very
interesting.
Oh, that's
just marvelous.
I got them on my trip to
Mt. St. Buster caves.
Have fun, but don't
know yourselves out.
Get it?
[laughing]
And this, Douglas,
is your gift.
Thanks, Grandma.
I can't wait to see
what is it?
Isn't it delightful?
I bought it
especially for you.
Gee, heck, it's
really different.
Com on, Doug.
Try iton.
Yeah, try it on.
♪♪
[Roger]
Okay, buddy,
you're surrounded.
Throw out the goofy jacket and
come out with your hands up.
You can't get
away with it.
Get away with what?
[Roger]
Get away
with what?
I'll tell you,
I'll tell you what-- hey.
Hey, wearing
that jacket!
You look like a fool.
Give it up,
Doug.
Give it up, Doug.
Give it up,
Doug.
Uh, I'll wear it as
soon as it gets dark.
I mean, cooler
out.
Yeah.
Say, Doug, I have
an absolutely splendid idea.
How about your taking
your grandma
on a grand tour
of Bluffington?
Yeah,
that could be fun.
Mom, Dad?
Is it
okay?
I'm making an
extra special supper,
so I'm counting on both of you
to be back by 6 o'clock sharp.
It's up to
you, son.
Grandma refuses
to wear a watch.
She doesn't believe
in them.
Come on, Doug.
Life's a picnic and
I'm starving to death!
Come on, bring your
dog with you.
Come on, guys.
We're off to see
just what this town
is made of on my
new motorcycle!
M-m-motorcycle?Mm-hmm.
I've never ridden
on a motorcycle before.
Then you're long overdue
for a real treat, Doug.
Hop on board.
Here, dog.
Maybe this will be cool,
Porkchop.
Okay, Mad Dog,
let's ride.
Well,
here goes.
I guess.
Whoo!
Don't you just love the feel of
the wind whipping at your face,
Doug?
Yeah, it is
kind of neat.
I hope my lips
don't chap.
Look out,
Grandma.
Those guys
look pretty tough.
You're right,
Doug.
So let's make friends.
Friends?
Uh-huh.
Hey, Granny,
that's a nice chopper.
Wanna drag?
Well, Porkchop,
it was nice knowing you.
[Grandma Opal]
Thanks anyway,
Bubba.
I don't like to drag,
but I do like to brag.
Would you like to
see some wonderful
pictures of my grandkids?
I have some especially
nice ones of Doug here.
Hey, far out,
lady.
They're all right.
You know, I got a couple
of critters of my own.
[Grandma Opal]
Aren't they darling?
They look just
like their daddy.
Boy, I sure didn't
expect that to happen.
Remember, Doug.
Life's a picnic and we're
just starting to nibble.
Speaking of food,
I'm starving.
Stuff your
Face sushi.
Now here's a lunch
adventure for sure.
I don't know, Porkchop.
I always thought
the Honker Burger was
a pretty big adventure.
Where'd they hide the
silverware?
♪♪
Ooh.
So, Doug, now you
got your chopsticks.
What kind of sushi are
you going to eat, huh?
Uh, I'll have
whatever you're having.
That would be the Takanori
walla walla bing bang.
What's that?
[Grandma Opal]
Fish.
Like fried fish sticks?
Well, it's kind of like fish
sticks, only it's raw fish.
Raw?
Please, please,
please.
You know, I think
I just went on a diet.
Oh, come on, Doug.
Have you ever
tried it?
Huh?
It just sounds
so raw.
Come on, Doug.
Life's a picnic,
so let's chow down.
[Doug]
We're gonna eat that?
[Grandma Opal]
They look like
little tires, don't they?
Only they taste like
raw fish.
Mmm mmm.
This is
divine.
Try it, Doug.
Pretend it's like that
time you tried ice cream
for the first time.
Hmm.
[Grandma Opal]
Remember?
[crying]Here, Dougie, your very
first ice cream cone.
Oh, look at him.
He just
inhaled it.
Well, Doug,
what do you think?
Wait till I tell Skeeter I ate
raw fish for lunch and liked it!
Beats the pants off
fish sticks, doesn't it?
[Doug]
Cruising around with Grandma
was turning out okay,
that is, until she got involved
in my personal life.
Who's the girl?
Oh, it's Patti.
The girl I love--I
mean, I know, from school.
Patti, huh?
Well, she certainly looks
like a nice girl.
Yeah.
She does look
kinda nice.
Well, why don't you go
over and tell her so, hmm?
Ha, easier said
than done.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
Hi, Patti.
You look
nice today.
Oh, I guess that means
I don't look nice other days?
Well, no, I mean,
yes, I mean--
Well, what do you mean?
Well, I--I gotta
go now.
Grandma,
let's just go.
Please.
Oh, when I was her age, I loved
it when men paid me compliments.
In fact,
I still do.
But what if she
doesn't feel like talking?
I'm sure that's a really
good book she's reading.
Oh, I bet she can take
a short break to say hello
to a charming young
man like yourself.
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
Oh.
Excuse me,
Miss Mayonnaise?
Mmm, you get me
all shook up.
Oh, Doug.
Go for it,
Doug.
Now's your chance.
Well, what
the heck?
Life's
a picnic, right?
You ain't just whistling.
Hey,
Patti.
Hey, Doug.
You look
nice today.
Why, thanks,
Doug.
What a nice
thing to say.
See ya.
See ya.
My thoughts
exactly.
Oh no.
It's almost
6 o'clock.
Mom and Dad are gonna
be really mad if we're late.
Come on,
Grandma.
We gotta hightail
it home.
All righty.
Let's am-scray![laughing]
That was a marvelous pie,
Theda.
I'm surprised
Doug missed it.
Where'd he disappear
to?
He's in his room.
Why don't you take
him a piece?
Excuse me,
Miss Mayonnaise.
You're looking mighty fine.
That's my grandson.
Well, Funnie family,
time to hit the road.
I've got plans to go
rafting on the Noodle River.
Anyone care
to join me?
Oh, Grandma,
I really have to rehearse.
go shopping.
gotta
work.
Okay, okay.
I get the picture.
Come here,
wild man.
Thanks, Grandma.
I love you.
Goodbye, Grandma.
Love you all.
Bye!
[Doug]
Bye!
Bye bye!
Ciao!
Konichiwa!
Well, don't
just sit there.
Don't you know?
Life's a picnic
and I'm starving.
Ha ha.
Let's go find us
an adventure.
Come on,
Mad Dog.
Let's ride.
Yeehaw!
♪♪
Where's
my hair ♪
Where's my hair
Where's
my hair ♪♪