Ducktales (1987) s01e08 Episode Script

Life is like a hurricane Here in Duckburg Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes It's a duck-blur Might solve a mystery Or rewrite history DuckTales, ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales D-d-d-danger! Watch behind you There's a stranger out to find you What to do? Just grab onto some DuckTales Ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales Ooh-ooh Not ponytails or cottontails, no, DuckTales Ooh-ooh One more, Uncle Scrooge.
You can do it.
Aw, good try! Maybe the weights are too heavy.
Try it without the bag of nickels! The weights aren't the problem, it's the waiting! Waiting for what? A phone call from some people in the movie business.
I loaned them some money, and it's due this morning.
Darn show folk! Act like they've got all the time in the Time? What time is it? - Almost four o' - Yikes! We're gonna miss our show! - I get to be Major Courage! - You were Courage last time! - Doofus, you're the alien! - No fair, I'm always the alien.
- You are not! - I am too! Now, it's time for another astronomical adventure with "Courage of the Cosmos"! Yay! In our last episode, Major Courage and his crew We have you now, Major Courage.
They're firing at us.
We're hit! Right! Let's see how you Scumazoids like this! - All right! - Get 'em, Major Courage! You like that cornball? Aw, you sound just like Launchpad.
He says Major Courage wouldn't know an asteroid from a Shhh! At last! That's my call! McDuck here! What? Stay tuned, "Courage the Cosmos" will be right back.
Uncle Scrooge? What's wrong? - Those movie people called.
- That's good! - But they can't repay me in cash.
- That's bad.
So instead they're giving me Duckburg Studios.
That's great! - It is? - Sure! That's where they make Courage of the Cosmos! Oh, boy! We're actually gonna meet Major Courage in person! Hey, 'lil buddies, open your eyes.
This is all make-believe.
Major Courage is just a big phony.
No way, Launchpad! Major Courage is our hero! Well, I bet I could give this space man a few pointers on how a real hero acts.
Look! It's Major Courage! OK, Major, this is rehearsal.
And action! There's got to be a way.
Billions of innocent lives are at stake.
Engineering, I need more power.
Ach! I'm givin' her all I got.
Attaboy! Whoa! Gimme a break.
What was that? This is a closed set! Why are those clowns standing over there? Because one of those "clowns" is Scrooge McDuck, and he owns this studio.
Like I said, why are they standing over there when they should be sitting? Dollface! Sweetheart! Babycakes, take a load off! Comfy? Good.
Hiya, boys, having fun? Hows about an autograph? - Mine! Mine! - Me first! We love you, Major Courage! Ahem.
You know, SM, I can tell these boys love my show, but hey, boss guy what do you think? I think I'm gonna shut it down.
- Ugh! - Huh? Your ratings stink.
And if the network cancels you, this studio will be worthless to me! Relax! We're behind you all the way! Good! Because if Duckburg Studios is going to survive, Major Courage is going to need a major overhaul.
- How major? - Major, Major.
Major, first order of business, make this space ship shipshape.
- Gyro! - Yes, sir.
This is Gyro Gearloose, my science advisor.
You've got two weeks.
Redesign the Starship Phoenix.
Make it as real as it can be.
Make it real.
Got it.
Ah, and what's his job? Launchpad? Oh, he's my pilot.
Yeah.
A real pilot, not some phony flyboy.
Come along, lads.
But-but-but-but-but-but You oughta get that fixed.
Bye, Major Courage! See you later! So long! Ciao, little buddies! He's gonna give that pinhead pilot my job! I just know it! And I have a five-year contract.
- Now, don't get excited - Excited? We could lose our jobs, bozo! We have to get Scrooge on our side.
And the best way to do it is to butter up his nephews.
And I know just how to do it! Uncle Scrooge, you oughta see the new sets Gyro's built in the last two weeks.
No time for that now, lads.
I just want to get this over with.
- Knock 'em dead, boss, baby.
- All right, Gyro.
Let's take a look.
Behold, the new Starship Phoenix! Ooh! Scroogey, the changes you've made are really terrific.
I mean it.
But before you announce any more changes, I've personally arranged for a special, one-time-only show just for you and these swell kids! Ohh! And that's not all! Just for being our biggest fans, you each get genuine, authentic Courage of the Cosmos Cosmic Cadet costumes! Ohh! Reporting for duty, sir! Why don't you go to the director's booth and watch, while I show these tykes a good time? Thanks, but I'll come along with the boys if you don't mind.
Ergh Love to have you aboard.
Hm.
I don't know about this.
This set seems kinda cramped, you know? Where will all the cameras go? The director can see every inch of the Phoenix right from here.
I've installed automatic cameras throughout the ship, so I can just choose any shot and voila! If you ask me, real heroes don't need cameras and makeup.
Real heroes just do their job.
Don't listen to him, Major Courage.
He's just jealous.
Yeah, jealous! Yeah jealous.
Face it, L.
P.
, baby, once we're through with this skit, you're gonna be old news.
History! Bye-bye! - "Bye-bye"? - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye! - Where'd Launchpad go? - Forget about him! - We've got to get started on adventure.
- Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Courage of the Cosmos - Episode 96! And action! All stations, prepare to launch.
What did you do? Well, you said make it as real as I could.
So I did.
Aah! If I wanted to see the world, I would have joined the Navy! - Gyro, what's happening? - I don't know! I'll try to restart the cameras.
Blow me bagpipes! Look at them.
They don't know they're in outer space.
Hurry, Gyro, hurry! We've got to warn them! What's the matter? Don't we have a radio? - Well, yes and no.
- Ohh - How's that for openers? - Neato! Superific! Oh, boy! Remember, boys, I wouldn't put on this skit for just anybody.
- But since you are my number-one fans - We sure are! And you wouldn't ever want anybody else take my place We sure wouldn't! Attention, approaching asteroid belt.
Attention.
Approaching.
We've got to take evasive action! Cadets, man your stations.
- I wanna be Navigator! - I got dibs on Weapons Officer! - Doofus is Life Support! - I always have to be Life Support! - Activate.
Condition Red.
- Yes, sir! Oh, boy! - Engage manual controls.
- Yes, sir! Nice equipment.
I gotta override that phony pilot's controls or he'll steer us right into a rock.
Ah, found it.
- Look out, Major! - Oh, no! We will be smashed to bits! Never fear.
I'm Courage of the Cosmos! Besides, it's only a TV show.
Phew! Aah! Wow! Right through without a scratch! - What else? Who's your favorite hero? - Courage! Courage! - When he's far or near-o? - Courage! Courage! - Who's the guy we cheer-o? - Courage! Courage! Courage! Courage! Courage! Yay! Yup! When it comes to courage, I'm full of it.
- It's Launchpad! - Swell.
Hiya, Launchpad! Where you been? We're having the best time with Major Courage.
We pretended we took off, then we steered through special effects asteroids! He's tons of fun.
He is, he really is.
Oh, boy! Fun? Don't you understand? We're out in space! Of course we're in space.
Where else would we be? Yeah, right! We're in space.
- Doesn't that worry you? - Look, butt out.
These kid's are having a good time.
Why make a big deal? Big deal? Listen, if I hadn't steered us through those asteroids, we'd all be galactic garbage by now! Uh-uh! Major Courage did it! We all saw him! A real hero'd never take credit for something somebody else did! Yeah! Well, he wouldn't! Listen to me! We've gotta turn this ship around and get home! Nonsense! We never go home until after we meet the aliens.
There's no such thing as aliens.
Look! No aliens, huh? What do ya call that? Ooh! Nice model! But Nice set.
But if they're spending this kind of money on the show, I'm gonna ask for a raise.
I got a bad feeling about this.
You thinking what I'm thinking? We really are in space! Isn't that what I've been saying? Just like I promised! Adventure! Excitement! Danger! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! How ya doin' in there, Ralph? Would you come with me, please? - Aren't we going to fight? - Not unless you really want to.
Oh.
Hm, guess that comes later in the show, eh? This way, please.
Your prisoners, sir.
Ew! Oh, don't do that.
It only upsets him.
Sorry.
That you, Murray? Nice costume.
You've captured my ship! You've kidnapped my crew! What do you want? I am Overlord Bulvan.
We come from the planet Kronk in search of inferior life forms to conquer - and use as fertilizer Well, here's the man for the job.
I am Major Courage from the planet Earth.
We mean you no harm.
Your people and mine can live in peace.
Silence! If this is the best Earth has to offer, then this planet is just begging to be conquered.
Give us the coordinates of Earth, or we shall torture you and strip the data from your mind.
Well, here's the man for the job.
Hey! Why me? What about him? Bad acting technique, pal.
Not so much body language.
Let the eyes tell the story.
Better! Much better! How can you eat that stuff? It's greasy and moldy.
And I think I saw some of it move.
Well, other than that, it's not bad.
- Sure you don't want some? - No, thanks.
You go ahead.
Goodie! Mm! What kept you? I would have been here sooner, but they weren't done putting my brain through a blender.
Right, sure, fine.
Now, it's time for us to escape and defeat the Kronks! Any suggestions, Cadets? We could disguise ourselves, like you did in the "Prisoners of Floyd" episode! Then we could sabotage their ship like you did in "Attack of The Gherkins.
" Or, we could just feed them all to Doofus.
One of us should play sick so the others can knock out the guard.
Oh, come on.
Oh, I've got it! We'll use the old sickness ploy! Guard! Guard! Quickly! Ah.
Would you care for some dessert? I make a lovely custard with this.
No time for that now.
Our friend is ill.
- Yah-yah-yah! - Did you say something? Hey! Let's go! - All right, give me the gun.
- Fat chance! Look, for the last time, I'm the star of this show.
What are you talking about? What show? Aha! Aah! Worthless humans! Trying to escape? I will have you stuffed! - Stand back, everybody.
- No, don't shoot.
- This is the part where we fight.
- Are you crazy? No! I'm Courage of the Cosmos! What's the deal, Murray? You making me look bad? Ick! - I'm not afraid to use this.
- That's no weapon, you idiot! - That's a food synthesizer.
- It'll have to do! Major Courage, are you OK? This is no studio! This is real! This is crazy! This face belongs on lunchpails and T-shirts! I gotta get outta here! - Wait! - Stop! Don't leave us behind! We're trapped here! Now what do we do? Well, we could run! Get them! Aah! Quick! This way! - It's awfully dark in here.
- No sweat.
I found a light switch.
Uh-oh.
Quickly! They must not escape! Grab them! Stand back.
Great work, Launchpad! That stuff shorted-out the door! And it tastes good, too! You stand guard here.
Doofus and I are going up to the bridge.
Yes, sir! There! Radio's all fixed.
Calling Starship Phoenix aah! Phoenix, come in! Anybody there? - Courage! - What? You're safe! Wait a minute.
Where's Launchpad and Doofus? - Where are my nephews? - Back with those monsters! They wanted to grind me up into fertilizer! Me, star of stage, screen and television! I'm warning you, Courage, turn that ship around and get my nephews or you'll never work in this town again! Forget it, McDuck! Remember, I've got a five-year contract.
- You you! - Not the radio! Guy, Launchpad, I'm sorry I ever doubted you! That Major Courage was just a lot of hot air! That's OK, little buddy.
You just got dazzled by all that Hollywood stuff.
And speaking of dazzled, look at this screwy contraption.
I don't know if I can fly it.
You can fly anything, Launchpad! You're a great pilot! Thanks, Doofus.
And you're a great sidekick.
Aw, shucks.
Piece of cake! Hup-two-three-four! Hup-two Quackarooni! If they burn their way out we're finished! La-la-la! Safe and sound.
Nasty aliens tried to hurt me, but I escaped! If he ever gets home alive, I'll kill him! Won't be necessary.
Look! Major Courage has company! Not again! Not again! They've got him! - There goes the picture again! - Please.
Allow me.
What happened? What's going on? - We're going home.
- No thanks to you! - Yeah! - You've been saved by a real hero.
Launchpad McQuack! OK, boys let's make tracks! No, no, Launchpad! Earth's not this way! It's that way! Oh.
OK.
Sorry.
- They'll get away! - No they won't.
We'll feed our navigation computers the data from that pilot's head.
And beat them to their own planet.
Engage autopilot.
Ouch! Argh! Umph! Eek! Now that's what I call using my head.
I hope you lads aren't too unhappy that Courage of the Cosmos was canceled.
- Naw, not really.
- That fakey show was for kids! Yeah! Real heroes just do their jobs! That reminds me, Mr.
McDee.
What ever happened to what's-his-name? When the show went kaput, I had to find another way to make money on the studio.
So I had Gyro turn it into a space museum.
But what's that got to do with Major Courage? I found him a new line of work.
Get your Moon Rock Candy! Get your Mars-icles! One at a time, kids, one at a time! Ow! Mr.
McDuck! Let me outta here! Sorry, Courage.
Remember, you've got a five-year contract! Wah!