Eagleheart (2010) s01e08 Episode Script
Susie's Song
Dear Satan, my dark master, lord of all that that is unholy, I offer you the soul of this pitiful delivery man.
In return, please see to it that the permit for my new deck goes through without any holdups from the zoning commission.
And now let me sign our contract in blood! Sorry to interrupt.
I was just in the neighborhood, and I happened to see the world's most uninviting backyard.
I had to meet the deckless son of a bitch who lives here.
Who are you pigs? Ah, I'm sorry.
I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.
S.
marshal.
Put 'er there.
Oh.
Don't want to shake my hand, huh? Aah! I guess I'll just have to shake my own hand inside you.
How do I do? Well, nice to meet me.
Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have.
I must use PalmoliveOr guts! Ugh! Are you okay, sir? You saved me.
You're my angel.
Just glad you're safe.
Because you love me? What? I just met the future Mrs.
Arnold Blanth.
Are you by any chance Arnold Blanth? Yes.
Seems somebody has a not-so-secret secret admirer.
Secretary of transportation Charles Folger you name a mode of transportation, he's got an opinion on itOpinions that have made him a lot of enemies.
What does he feel about shoes? He hates them.
It's not our job to judge whether or not the secretary is worthy of his life.
It's our job to protect him as though he were.
Susie? Oh, my God.
What should I do here? Well, try not to act too desperate too soon, okay? That might scare him off.
Hello.
Hi, I'm I'm sorry to bother you here.
I-I just wanted to give you a small present to say thank you for saving my life.
Oh, I-I can't accept that.
I was just doing my job.
Oh, come on.
Just open it.
Okay.
It's a heart made out of cat hearts.
I know you like cats 'cause I-I found kitty litter in your garbage.
You're so talented.
All right, Luther Vandross.
Let's get going.
I love you, Susie.
It is a love that knows no bounds.
It is a love that I would do anything to defend.
Young love.
I envy you two.
Ohh.
Hello? There's other people here.
Come on.
Let's go.
As your secretary of transportation, I am proud to have secured funding for new soda machines at bus depots across the country For a sip of cola.
- Now - Ugh.
Look at that clown over there.
Look at that face.
Ugh.
Those stupid sunglasses and that stupid shirt.
Look at those pants.
I hate him.
I hate his family.
I hate his house.
Me, too.
Shut up.
A hundred years ago, when my grandmother landed on Ellis land a little girl who had just made the long voyage We will be together, my sweet.
Now, these machines will take dollars, quarters, and nickels, but no dimes.
U.
S.
dimes are too similar to the Paraguayan coin Arnold, what are you doing here? Who's that your new boyfriend? It's the secretary of transportation.
Oh, so you like big shots? It would be completely insane to have soda machines that accept any dimes.
You don't think I'm a big shot? How's this for a big shot? Arnold, no! Arnold, put your hands up.
I did it for you, Susan.
Arnold Blanth, you're under arrest for the You're under arrest for I don't care about nothin'.
You're under arrest for the murder ofMy better judgment.
They're having sex.
Not yet, Brett.
They have to see a preacher first and then cut a hole in a sheet.
Oh.
It worked.
Susie: Let's go.
Hey, Susie, wait for us.
She's shooting at us.
Should we I I don't Is this what you saw? That's it, your honor.
That's exactly what it looked like.
There's no judges here, idiot.
Yep, I've seen that a million times before regicideophilia or, as it's known on the street, Lou Gehrig's other disease.
Simply put, Susie is hopelessly attracted to assassins.
All right.
Why? Chris, some women are into bad boys.
That's why I created my alter ego, doc shades.
My point is, political assassins are Well, they're the worst boys of all.
She's gonna need a fresh kill every few days to get her jollies.
I just don't get it.
I mean, she's been around hundreds of murderers and thieves and dirtbags, but she's never fallen for one.
She's only into assassins.
Okay, look, um, doc, while I got you here, um Please while I'm wearing the shades, it's "Doc Shades.
" It's a pretty cool motel room, huh? Oh, my God, you are so sexy.
I got an idea.
You want to assassinate someone bigger than Folger, don't you? No.
I was thinking, instead of getting those twin cemetery plots we were talking about, we got one coffin for both of us to just lie face-to-face in for eternity, both of our skeletons snuggling, beyond the flesh.
What's wrong? Uh, do you think maybe we're moving too fast? I mean, I think maybe we should take a break.
What? Why? I'm sorry, Mr.
Governor.
I tried to stop him.
She didn't try that hard.
You' fired.
Ohh.
How can I help you, marshal? Governor, I'm sure you've heard of secretary Folger's completely unpreventable assassination.
Yes.
Very sad.
Yes, well, uh, why don't I skip the main course and get right to the tiramisu? One of our lady marshals has come down with Lou Gehrig's other disease.
Regicideophilia.
Yeah.
Before my twin brother and I were mushed together, a gypsy woman told us that we would die young.
We laughed at her.
That was then.
Now it seems her prophecy has borne fruit.
Well, I won't let them have the satisfaction.
If I don't do this right, you'll have to finish the job.
All right, no, no, no.
Look I have a plan.
Let's give it a shot.
If it doesn't work, then I promise I'll put you down like a lame bull with a bad nut.
I'm listening.
I just need some time to myself, Arnold.
I'm confused.
Part of me wants to marry you, and part of me wants to arrest you for murder.
But I assassinated him for you.
Yeah, like a week ago.
One governor, hundreds of fans, no security governor Danjoshy Conti will honor former secretary of transportation Charles Folger in his first-ever no-security event no metal detectors, no crowd control, nothing between you and the governor but your conscience.
This Friday be there.
Give me one more chance.
Susie: Let each delicious beverage and tasty snack remind us of the tireless service of secretary Folger.
And now I hereby dedicate this I did it, Susan! I assassinated a governor! I did it for you! Not quite, Arnold, not quite.
He's not dead? Nope.
He was wearing a bulletproof vest stuffed with mice.
You shot a mouse? Ugh! Ohh.
Okay, time to take the trash out.
There wasn't supposed to be any security here.
Aw.
I tried, Susan! I tried! All right.
I tried! I love you, Arnold.
Still? He tried to kill the governor.
That's kind of sexy.
Please don't kill me! I screwed up! I'm sorry! Do your worst, pig.
I ain't afraid of dying.
Governor Danjoshy, please don't execute him.
I beg you.
You really do love him, don't you? Yes.
Arnold Blanth, by the powers vested in me, I hereby Appoint you lieutenant governor of our state.
Huh? Wow.
Chris, you just killed the lieutenant governor.
No, Susie, I didn't kill the lieutenant governor.
The system did The justice system.
You're right.
I guess the justice system is pretty sexy.
Welcome back to the good guys.
And that's that.
Nice shooting, Brett.
Geez.
All right, I'll grab a sheet.
Who's good at cutting holes?
In return, please see to it that the permit for my new deck goes through without any holdups from the zoning commission.
And now let me sign our contract in blood! Sorry to interrupt.
I was just in the neighborhood, and I happened to see the world's most uninviting backyard.
I had to meet the deckless son of a bitch who lives here.
Who are you pigs? Ah, I'm sorry.
I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.
S.
marshal.
Put 'er there.
Oh.
Don't want to shake my hand, huh? Aah! I guess I'll just have to shake my own hand inside you.
How do I do? Well, nice to meet me.
Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have.
I must use PalmoliveOr guts! Ugh! Are you okay, sir? You saved me.
You're my angel.
Just glad you're safe.
Because you love me? What? I just met the future Mrs.
Arnold Blanth.
Are you by any chance Arnold Blanth? Yes.
Seems somebody has a not-so-secret secret admirer.
Secretary of transportation Charles Folger you name a mode of transportation, he's got an opinion on itOpinions that have made him a lot of enemies.
What does he feel about shoes? He hates them.
It's not our job to judge whether or not the secretary is worthy of his life.
It's our job to protect him as though he were.
Susie? Oh, my God.
What should I do here? Well, try not to act too desperate too soon, okay? That might scare him off.
Hello.
Hi, I'm I'm sorry to bother you here.
I-I just wanted to give you a small present to say thank you for saving my life.
Oh, I-I can't accept that.
I was just doing my job.
Oh, come on.
Just open it.
Okay.
It's a heart made out of cat hearts.
I know you like cats 'cause I-I found kitty litter in your garbage.
You're so talented.
All right, Luther Vandross.
Let's get going.
I love you, Susie.
It is a love that knows no bounds.
It is a love that I would do anything to defend.
Young love.
I envy you two.
Ohh.
Hello? There's other people here.
Come on.
Let's go.
As your secretary of transportation, I am proud to have secured funding for new soda machines at bus depots across the country For a sip of cola.
- Now - Ugh.
Look at that clown over there.
Look at that face.
Ugh.
Those stupid sunglasses and that stupid shirt.
Look at those pants.
I hate him.
I hate his family.
I hate his house.
Me, too.
Shut up.
A hundred years ago, when my grandmother landed on Ellis land a little girl who had just made the long voyage We will be together, my sweet.
Now, these machines will take dollars, quarters, and nickels, but no dimes.
U.
S.
dimes are too similar to the Paraguayan coin Arnold, what are you doing here? Who's that your new boyfriend? It's the secretary of transportation.
Oh, so you like big shots? It would be completely insane to have soda machines that accept any dimes.
You don't think I'm a big shot? How's this for a big shot? Arnold, no! Arnold, put your hands up.
I did it for you, Susan.
Arnold Blanth, you're under arrest for the You're under arrest for I don't care about nothin'.
You're under arrest for the murder ofMy better judgment.
They're having sex.
Not yet, Brett.
They have to see a preacher first and then cut a hole in a sheet.
Oh.
It worked.
Susie: Let's go.
Hey, Susie, wait for us.
She's shooting at us.
Should we I I don't Is this what you saw? That's it, your honor.
That's exactly what it looked like.
There's no judges here, idiot.
Yep, I've seen that a million times before regicideophilia or, as it's known on the street, Lou Gehrig's other disease.
Simply put, Susie is hopelessly attracted to assassins.
All right.
Why? Chris, some women are into bad boys.
That's why I created my alter ego, doc shades.
My point is, political assassins are Well, they're the worst boys of all.
She's gonna need a fresh kill every few days to get her jollies.
I just don't get it.
I mean, she's been around hundreds of murderers and thieves and dirtbags, but she's never fallen for one.
She's only into assassins.
Okay, look, um, doc, while I got you here, um Please while I'm wearing the shades, it's "Doc Shades.
" It's a pretty cool motel room, huh? Oh, my God, you are so sexy.
I got an idea.
You want to assassinate someone bigger than Folger, don't you? No.
I was thinking, instead of getting those twin cemetery plots we were talking about, we got one coffin for both of us to just lie face-to-face in for eternity, both of our skeletons snuggling, beyond the flesh.
What's wrong? Uh, do you think maybe we're moving too fast? I mean, I think maybe we should take a break.
What? Why? I'm sorry, Mr.
Governor.
I tried to stop him.
She didn't try that hard.
You' fired.
Ohh.
How can I help you, marshal? Governor, I'm sure you've heard of secretary Folger's completely unpreventable assassination.
Yes.
Very sad.
Yes, well, uh, why don't I skip the main course and get right to the tiramisu? One of our lady marshals has come down with Lou Gehrig's other disease.
Regicideophilia.
Yeah.
Before my twin brother and I were mushed together, a gypsy woman told us that we would die young.
We laughed at her.
That was then.
Now it seems her prophecy has borne fruit.
Well, I won't let them have the satisfaction.
If I don't do this right, you'll have to finish the job.
All right, no, no, no.
Look I have a plan.
Let's give it a shot.
If it doesn't work, then I promise I'll put you down like a lame bull with a bad nut.
I'm listening.
I just need some time to myself, Arnold.
I'm confused.
Part of me wants to marry you, and part of me wants to arrest you for murder.
But I assassinated him for you.
Yeah, like a week ago.
One governor, hundreds of fans, no security governor Danjoshy Conti will honor former secretary of transportation Charles Folger in his first-ever no-security event no metal detectors, no crowd control, nothing between you and the governor but your conscience.
This Friday be there.
Give me one more chance.
Susie: Let each delicious beverage and tasty snack remind us of the tireless service of secretary Folger.
And now I hereby dedicate this I did it, Susan! I assassinated a governor! I did it for you! Not quite, Arnold, not quite.
He's not dead? Nope.
He was wearing a bulletproof vest stuffed with mice.
You shot a mouse? Ugh! Ohh.
Okay, time to take the trash out.
There wasn't supposed to be any security here.
Aw.
I tried, Susan! I tried! All right.
I tried! I love you, Arnold.
Still? He tried to kill the governor.
That's kind of sexy.
Please don't kill me! I screwed up! I'm sorry! Do your worst, pig.
I ain't afraid of dying.
Governor Danjoshy, please don't execute him.
I beg you.
You really do love him, don't you? Yes.
Arnold Blanth, by the powers vested in me, I hereby Appoint you lieutenant governor of our state.
Huh? Wow.
Chris, you just killed the lieutenant governor.
No, Susie, I didn't kill the lieutenant governor.
The system did The justice system.
You're right.
I guess the justice system is pretty sexy.
Welcome back to the good guys.
And that's that.
Nice shooting, Brett.
Geez.
All right, I'll grab a sheet.
Who's good at cutting holes?