Empty Nest (1988) s01e08 Episode Script
What's a Father to Do?
Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on Ahhh.
Ah-ha.
Ah.
I heard that, dreyfuss, and I know what you're up to.
You're going into your pathetic "pity me, pity me" look.
Gonna try to con me out of half my dinner, when you've already refused to eat the dinner I made for you.
No way, pal.
Not gonna happen.
Not this time.
Finished.
Boy, you are good.
Oh, here.
All right, go.
No more.
Hi.
You're going to love this.
Hi.
Okay.
Daddy, I don't usually come over here talking personal triumph but today, I can actually say I think maybe, perhaps, I might have a little bit.
Of a personal triumph.
Sort of.
How can you be so sure? Look.
This is a portfolio of pictures I took for my photography class.
Oh, dear, that's nice.
Why, I like this landscape.
It looks like an ansel Adams photograph.
It is.
I took a picture of one for practice.
But what I came here to tell you is What are you eating? Uh, nuked bacon and pop-up waffles.
You call that dinner? I call that breakfast.
I'm having breakfast for dinner.
Why? I had dinner for lunch.
So let me guess.
You had lunch for breakfast.
No, for breakfast, I had chocolate cake.
I am dumping this, and we are going out for a decent meal.
All right, excuse me, now.
Before you dump that, I would Look over my left shoulder.
No.
It's not good for him, and it is not good for you.
Hi.
I'm in a hurry.
Here's those insurance forms you wanted me to sign.
I can't stay.
Mack's waiting for me.
Whoa, wait, mack? I never heard mack before.
Who's mack? My new guy.
And don't ask me about him.
You don't wanna know.
Ah, no.
Sounds like a big bike.
It's his Harley-Davidson.
Oh, yeah.
Red beard, tank top.
Good catch.
You might ask him to pull up his pants a little.
He's getting impatient.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
What happened to hello? Hello? Hello to your sister.
Hello.
It's an old American greeting.
Harley used to say it to Davidson.
He'd never say it to Carol.
All right, come on.
Let's go, please.
What's going on? Come on, come on.
Just talk it through now.
You'll feel better.
I promise you will both feel better.
Your daughter Is the most irresponsible, destructive, careless brat in the whole world.
Oh, great, from the overly sensitive, hysterical queen of exaggeration.
She borrows my brand-new car, and the first thing she does is put a gigantic dent in it.
It was not a dent.
It was a ding.
- Dent! - Ding! No, stop, fine.
No, you were right.
The silent treatment is much better.
Come on, let's go.
I will never let you borrow anything again.
- Ding! - Go, mack is waiting.
You know how he gets.
Very impatient.
Well, that was touching.
Well, what is this personal triumph? Ok.
There's this new art gallery, a very important gallery opening in Orlando.
And as part of a special one-day exhibition only, they're going to hang five pictures from our photography class.
And one of them is yours! - Two.
- Two! That's twice as good as one.
They want me there for the opening.
Daddy, I know it is impossible for you to take time off, but I can't bear the thought of standing there while 200 strangers criticize my work.
I need a hand to hold.
I need a knuckle to bite on that's not my own.
My knuckle is yours.
When is this? - The 19th.
- The 19th? I will clear my office calendar.
Ah, ha, ha, ha! You're really going? Yeah, come on.
We'll fly up to Orlando.
I'll rent a car.
I love rental cars.
People steal 'em, you don't care.
And then after the gallery, we'll go out.
We'll have a really kind of special dinner together.
We'll make it a real father-daughter, just the two of us together day, all right? Thank you, daddy.
No, don't say thank you.
You say you're welcome.
I'm doing the thank-you here.
You just said you needed your daddy's knuckle.
Whoa, that's so nice.
Take your pick.
Laverne, did you check on the 19th? You have a 12-hour day on the 19th, plus a hospital board meetin'.
Downright impossible for me to clear that busy a schedule on this short notice.
Clear it, and you get the day off, too.
- Cleared.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah, senora arrosco.
Aqui es El prescripcion for Esteban.
Oh, uh, Esteban.
Uh, uh, hasta la Vaya con Whatever, whatever.
Hasta la Hasta la Vista, hasta la vista.
Vista, vista.
Daddy.
You'll never guess what happened to me.
Obviously, you've given up mack.
No, I'm working undercover.
Do you remember when I got shot? Yeah, I still remember that day.
It took the paramedics three days, to get my heart out of my throat.
Well, also, because I saved my partner's life in that operation, the police commissioner is giving me the gold medal of valor.
The highest award they give! Me, I'm getting it! I am so impressed.
That's very impressive, dear.
This isn't just one of those atta-boy awards.
You know, where they give you a little pat on the back.
Winning this medal is major police stuff.
I'm a monster cop.
Everything I ever wanted in a daughter.
Oh, honey.
I am really I'm very proud of you.
And I can take anyone I want to the ceremony.
And guess who I wanna take.
Does he wear his pants at half mast? No.
Then it's me! Ah Good! When, when is this? - Next Wednesday.
- I'm there.
Thanks, daddy! Oh, honey, could you shift a little bit? Your gun is in my ribs.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, thanks so much.
No, no, you say you're welcome.
I'm the thank-you here, for including your daddy in such an important day.
I love you.
Ah! Ah.
Listen, Harry Weston.
Harry Weston.
When they hand out trophies for father of the year, you're gonna need a moving Van to get all yours home.
Yes, Mrs.
gossett.
That'll be fine.
- Laverne, i - Excuse me.
Well, spit it out.
Oh.
I need Dr.
Gordon to fill in for me next Wednesday.
I have a very important day with Barbara.
I know.
I'm already takin' care of that.
That's right, Mrs.
gossett.
Junior's next appointment will be with Dr.
Gordon.
That's right, next Wednesday, the 19th.
Uh-huh.
The 19th is Wednesday? Yes.
So that would make Wednesday the 19.
Can't slip anything past you.
No, I mean, I didn't know Wednesday was the 19th.
I have the thing with Carol, and I have the thing with Barbara the same day.
I have the Carol thing and the Barbara thing.
Sounds to me like you're over-thanged.
I mean, I-i can't be in two cities at the same time.
No matter which one I choose, they're gonna think I'm playing favorites.
So which one's it gonna be? Agh, it's like the old riddle.
You have two daughters drowning, which one do you save? Well, what's the answer? That's it.
There is no answer.
Well, that's a hell of a dumb riddle.
Oh, this is nice.
So you and mom used to come here? All the time.
Dr.
Weston.
It's soooo good to see you.
Albert, Albert.
This is my daughter, Carol.
Oh, of course, of course.
Of course! Yes, well, we've reserved your usual table for you.
We still remember here.
Please.
Now, I want you and your daughter to have a magnificent luncheon.
That's an order.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Enjoy! Really, enjoy.
Actually, I don't come here for the food.
I come for the full-body massage.
I was so surprised when you called me for lunch.
This will be fun.
Well, this is a little more than lunch, dear.
I-I wanted to ask you something important.
Our special today is Maine lobster.
Something funny about lobster? No, something wonderful about your mother.
Tell me.
Well, I don't know.
One night we came here for lobster.
That was before your sister, Emily was born.
Now, halfway through the main course, your mother looks at me and says, "I want another baby.
" Next thing I know, her hand is under my lobster bib, and she's unbuttoning my shirt.
Mom? My mom? Hey, the way your mother could unbutton a shirt was one of the reasons I married her.
Anyway, I mean, I say, "what, here?" She goes, "no, that little motel across the street.
" "You check in as Dr.
Smith.
I'll come as a bimbo named mitzy.
" Next thing I know, I am.
I'm up there.
I'm at the desk.
And I'm signing the register.
And but I notice this clerk is staring.
So I whispered to your mother, "why is he staring?" And she says "because darling" "You're checking in for a quickie, and you're wearing a lobster bib.
" She knew it.
She let me wear that bib over to the motel.
Oh, daddy.
You're so lucky to have such wonderful memories of the good times in your life.
I have so few.
You know something, daddy? That's what our trip to Orlando this week is gonna be all about.
My memory.
Well, what is it? Wh-what? You said you had something important you wanted to ask me.
What is it? Who do you like better? Siskel or ebert? I'll get you that special dessert you ordered, Dr.
Weston.
I can see why mom loved it here.
You must have wonderful memories of this place.
No, no memories.
Not at all.
Nothing.
I don't remember Albert.
Well, I'm having fun.
Well For you.
Because you're getting that medal.
A watch.
"My hero love, dad.
" Made it up myself.
You're not coming.
What? My awards ceremony.
You're not coming, are you? Well, it's not that I'm not coming.
Believe me, no.
It's not that.
Ah no, I mean, I mean, I wanna be there more than anything in the world, dear.
It's it's just that I can, so yes, I'm not coming.
That has to be the worst excuse I ever made up in my life.
- Daddy! - Honey, Barbara, listen.
I had already promised your sister I would go with her to Orlando to see a couple of her photographs exhibited.
I am getting the highest medal the police department can give.
You think it's more important to see a few photographs? By a woman who photographs the inside of your maytag washer and calls it "a mother's womb"? I thought I recognized my socks.
Daddy, don't you know how you're making me feel? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Come on, honey.
You know how easily your sister gets hurt.
Oh, Carol's weak, and Barbara's strong.
You can step on Barbara because she's always a good sport.
Where is it written that I can't be hurt? I'm hurting now.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Look, honey, Barbara wait, she screams more, and then she gets more.
Maybe I should learn to scream more.
Good for you.
Listen, excuse me, I'm having enough trouble here without having an argument at your table, too.
Please.
Now come on, honey.
And worse! You thought you could get away with it by bribing me.
I don't want the watch.
Hmmm.
For she's a jolly good hero for she's a jolly good hero for she's a jolly goo Albert, do not touch me.
Come on, dreyfuss.
Give me emotion.
Give me anger.
Work with me.
Well, well.
What have we here? Man's best friend with the worlds worst date.
Here, Charlie.
What's this? Still life with moron.
I want copies.
Where's your dad? Upstairs getting dressed.
Is he in a good mood? I got a favor to ask him.
Sure.
Good, then he's not still moping over that thing with Barbara.
What are you talking about? Oh, ho, ho! You don't know.
I'm in on something really good about Barbara, and you don't have a clue.
So tell me.
What? I know something you don't know Hey, come on, let's go here.
Hi, Charlie, how you doing? Hey, buddy.
I got a favor to ask you.
I came over to borrow something.
- What? - Your house.
- My house? - You're going away today.
It's not like you need it.
What would you want my house for? It's kinda personal.
I'd rather not get into it.
This is four bedrooms, right? No, Charlie, you may not have my house.
Geez, come on.
I'm gonna give it back.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Goodbye.
Okay.
But you better put a note on the door.
There's a lotta people coming over in togas.
What's up, daddy? What's this problem with Barbara Charlie was talking about? Oh, I don't know.
It's nothing.
She's getting a police medal right about now.
I'm not there, and she's angry.
Come on, let's go.
- A medal? - The gold medal of valor.
Come on, let's go.
Isn't that kind of important? It's the highest level they give.
Come, let's go.
What kind of a father are you? I beg your pardon? This has got to be the most important day of her life.
And you're not there? I had already promised I would go with you.
That poor little Barb.
Poor little Barb? What's going on? Who are you? Daddy, even I know the importance of a gold medal of valor over a couple of photographs.
Well, I didn't think you could handle it, dear, because you know how emotional you oh, oh, oh.
Now I understand.
I am the overemotional, neurotic, weak one.
Well, yes.
You give me no credit for being adult.
You have absolutely no idea who or what your daughters are.
And I resent what you have done to me.
And my little sister.
Do you believe this? Excuse me, daddy of the year.
You gonna hide out in this office all day long? Do we have any aspirins in this damn office that aren't orange flavored? Can't figure out how to get back in the good graces of your daughters, huh? None of them are talking to me.
Ugh.
I hate aspirins you have to chew.
Blech.
You can warn Esteban, the arrosco kid.
Didn't I see him last week? His mama says he keeps spitting out the medicine you prescribed.
She thought he'd better talk to the doctor personally, mano a mano.
I'll go with you and translate.
Laverne, I can handle this.
My Spanish is getting much better, thank you.
Yeah, I know.
Buenos dÃas, Esteban.
El medico dice buenos dÃas, Esteban.
Laverne, you don't have to translate Spanish into Spanish.
I'm just lettin' him know I'm the translator.
Now, Esteban, uh Pffft.
Ahora, Esteban.
Uh Pffft.
Laverne.
If you'll stop having trouble in English, I can go faster in Spanish.
Laverne, hasta la vista.
Okay, Esteban.
Usted, mi, dos amigos.
¿No dos amigos? Okay, look.
No, no, let's talk.
Let's talk.
Uh, hablamos.
Nosotros hablamos Mono a mono.
You're giggling, I'm giggling.
I don't know why.
Laverne, mono a mono.
What did I say? Monkey to monkey.
Monkey to monkey.
Well.
Whoo, yeah.
Harry, usted es kooky.
Okay, Esteban.
Now, usted es un Mono poquito.
But if you Medicino, mono grande.
Si, king Kong.
Mighty Jose-ong, eh? Ah, bien.
Por favor.
Bueno, ¿eh? See that, eh? All right.
Laverne.
He'll be just fine with his medicine.
Thank you.
Oh, bueno, Esteban.
Vamonos.
Adios, amigo.
Harry.
Harry.
How is it I can communicate better with a 10-year-old boy in a language I don't know than I can with my own daughters? Because in this office, you're good at what you do.
Doctorin'.
So stop feelin' guilty.
You can't be good at everything, especially daughters.
Well, it makes me mad.
I should not be having this problem.
Even the good lord Jesus said, "oh, god, why hast thou forsaken me?" Yeah, and? Well, if he was upset with his father, what chance you think you got with your kids? Dr.
Weston.
Eh Um, they're both here.
Albert, I am facing two very angry daughters.
I give you permission to hug me.
Oh.
Good luck.
Good evening.
Would you like your menus now? Uh, no, not not yet please.
- Daddy - But.
.
Not a word.
Don't say a word.
- The only reason - Not a pro Not a word until I'm through.
I'm the only one talking here.
Menus, Dr.
Weston.
Uh, no, no, not yet.
Now, I want the two of you to know that because of what's happened, I am very grateful.
- Grateful? - Did I ask for an echo? If I wanna hear my words come back to me, I'll go to Switzerland and yodel.
Are we ready for the specials? No, sir, I'll I'll let you know when, all right? Now.
These last couple of days, I've learned a lot.
I've learned that you two are much more loyal to each other than I ever imagined.
That Carol is a much stronger person than I ever imagined.
Barbara much more sensitive than I ever imagined.
This is good.
Doesn't say much for my imagination, but this is good.
But what's even better is that the lesson I got out of this whole thing for myself personally, the thing that hit the hardest and the deepest, is this: This has not been a fair fight.
- What? - Wait a minute, here.
This was no contest, kids.
You've been playing at this all your lives.
You are professional daughters.
You know when to smile and when to cry.
When to back off, when to move in.
You know how to say daddy like it's the most loving word in the English language.
You also know how to say daddy so that it sounds like it's the guy who put the torch to Joan of arc.
Come on, what chance have I got here? I'm an amateur father.
I love, I try, I screw up, I feel guilty.
That's my style.
That's the way I work.
I'm being the best Harry Weston I can be for you.
Now that we all know who we are, let's eat.
Not a bad speech for an amateur father.
Not bad at all.
On the house, hm? I have daughters, too.
Well.
Barbara.
Okay, daddy.
Thank you.
Oh, he gave you a watch.
Oh! You shouldn't have.
"Say cheese.
" Thank you, daddy.
Oh, your watch has a second hand.
Agh.
Ah-ha.
Ah.
I heard that, dreyfuss, and I know what you're up to.
You're going into your pathetic "pity me, pity me" look.
Gonna try to con me out of half my dinner, when you've already refused to eat the dinner I made for you.
No way, pal.
Not gonna happen.
Not this time.
Finished.
Boy, you are good.
Oh, here.
All right, go.
No more.
Hi.
You're going to love this.
Hi.
Okay.
Daddy, I don't usually come over here talking personal triumph but today, I can actually say I think maybe, perhaps, I might have a little bit.
Of a personal triumph.
Sort of.
How can you be so sure? Look.
This is a portfolio of pictures I took for my photography class.
Oh, dear, that's nice.
Why, I like this landscape.
It looks like an ansel Adams photograph.
It is.
I took a picture of one for practice.
But what I came here to tell you is What are you eating? Uh, nuked bacon and pop-up waffles.
You call that dinner? I call that breakfast.
I'm having breakfast for dinner.
Why? I had dinner for lunch.
So let me guess.
You had lunch for breakfast.
No, for breakfast, I had chocolate cake.
I am dumping this, and we are going out for a decent meal.
All right, excuse me, now.
Before you dump that, I would Look over my left shoulder.
No.
It's not good for him, and it is not good for you.
Hi.
I'm in a hurry.
Here's those insurance forms you wanted me to sign.
I can't stay.
Mack's waiting for me.
Whoa, wait, mack? I never heard mack before.
Who's mack? My new guy.
And don't ask me about him.
You don't wanna know.
Ah, no.
Sounds like a big bike.
It's his Harley-Davidson.
Oh, yeah.
Red beard, tank top.
Good catch.
You might ask him to pull up his pants a little.
He's getting impatient.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
What happened to hello? Hello? Hello to your sister.
Hello.
It's an old American greeting.
Harley used to say it to Davidson.
He'd never say it to Carol.
All right, come on.
Let's go, please.
What's going on? Come on, come on.
Just talk it through now.
You'll feel better.
I promise you will both feel better.
Your daughter Is the most irresponsible, destructive, careless brat in the whole world.
Oh, great, from the overly sensitive, hysterical queen of exaggeration.
She borrows my brand-new car, and the first thing she does is put a gigantic dent in it.
It was not a dent.
It was a ding.
- Dent! - Ding! No, stop, fine.
No, you were right.
The silent treatment is much better.
Come on, let's go.
I will never let you borrow anything again.
- Ding! - Go, mack is waiting.
You know how he gets.
Very impatient.
Well, that was touching.
Well, what is this personal triumph? Ok.
There's this new art gallery, a very important gallery opening in Orlando.
And as part of a special one-day exhibition only, they're going to hang five pictures from our photography class.
And one of them is yours! - Two.
- Two! That's twice as good as one.
They want me there for the opening.
Daddy, I know it is impossible for you to take time off, but I can't bear the thought of standing there while 200 strangers criticize my work.
I need a hand to hold.
I need a knuckle to bite on that's not my own.
My knuckle is yours.
When is this? - The 19th.
- The 19th? I will clear my office calendar.
Ah, ha, ha, ha! You're really going? Yeah, come on.
We'll fly up to Orlando.
I'll rent a car.
I love rental cars.
People steal 'em, you don't care.
And then after the gallery, we'll go out.
We'll have a really kind of special dinner together.
We'll make it a real father-daughter, just the two of us together day, all right? Thank you, daddy.
No, don't say thank you.
You say you're welcome.
I'm doing the thank-you here.
You just said you needed your daddy's knuckle.
Whoa, that's so nice.
Take your pick.
Laverne, did you check on the 19th? You have a 12-hour day on the 19th, plus a hospital board meetin'.
Downright impossible for me to clear that busy a schedule on this short notice.
Clear it, and you get the day off, too.
- Cleared.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah, senora arrosco.
Aqui es El prescripcion for Esteban.
Oh, uh, Esteban.
Uh, uh, hasta la Vaya con Whatever, whatever.
Hasta la Hasta la Vista, hasta la vista.
Vista, vista.
Daddy.
You'll never guess what happened to me.
Obviously, you've given up mack.
No, I'm working undercover.
Do you remember when I got shot? Yeah, I still remember that day.
It took the paramedics three days, to get my heart out of my throat.
Well, also, because I saved my partner's life in that operation, the police commissioner is giving me the gold medal of valor.
The highest award they give! Me, I'm getting it! I am so impressed.
That's very impressive, dear.
This isn't just one of those atta-boy awards.
You know, where they give you a little pat on the back.
Winning this medal is major police stuff.
I'm a monster cop.
Everything I ever wanted in a daughter.
Oh, honey.
I am really I'm very proud of you.
And I can take anyone I want to the ceremony.
And guess who I wanna take.
Does he wear his pants at half mast? No.
Then it's me! Ah Good! When, when is this? - Next Wednesday.
- I'm there.
Thanks, daddy! Oh, honey, could you shift a little bit? Your gun is in my ribs.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, thanks so much.
No, no, you say you're welcome.
I'm the thank-you here, for including your daddy in such an important day.
I love you.
Ah! Ah.
Listen, Harry Weston.
Harry Weston.
When they hand out trophies for father of the year, you're gonna need a moving Van to get all yours home.
Yes, Mrs.
gossett.
That'll be fine.
- Laverne, i - Excuse me.
Well, spit it out.
Oh.
I need Dr.
Gordon to fill in for me next Wednesday.
I have a very important day with Barbara.
I know.
I'm already takin' care of that.
That's right, Mrs.
gossett.
Junior's next appointment will be with Dr.
Gordon.
That's right, next Wednesday, the 19th.
Uh-huh.
The 19th is Wednesday? Yes.
So that would make Wednesday the 19.
Can't slip anything past you.
No, I mean, I didn't know Wednesday was the 19th.
I have the thing with Carol, and I have the thing with Barbara the same day.
I have the Carol thing and the Barbara thing.
Sounds to me like you're over-thanged.
I mean, I-i can't be in two cities at the same time.
No matter which one I choose, they're gonna think I'm playing favorites.
So which one's it gonna be? Agh, it's like the old riddle.
You have two daughters drowning, which one do you save? Well, what's the answer? That's it.
There is no answer.
Well, that's a hell of a dumb riddle.
Oh, this is nice.
So you and mom used to come here? All the time.
Dr.
Weston.
It's soooo good to see you.
Albert, Albert.
This is my daughter, Carol.
Oh, of course, of course.
Of course! Yes, well, we've reserved your usual table for you.
We still remember here.
Please.
Now, I want you and your daughter to have a magnificent luncheon.
That's an order.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Enjoy! Really, enjoy.
Actually, I don't come here for the food.
I come for the full-body massage.
I was so surprised when you called me for lunch.
This will be fun.
Well, this is a little more than lunch, dear.
I-I wanted to ask you something important.
Our special today is Maine lobster.
Something funny about lobster? No, something wonderful about your mother.
Tell me.
Well, I don't know.
One night we came here for lobster.
That was before your sister, Emily was born.
Now, halfway through the main course, your mother looks at me and says, "I want another baby.
" Next thing I know, her hand is under my lobster bib, and she's unbuttoning my shirt.
Mom? My mom? Hey, the way your mother could unbutton a shirt was one of the reasons I married her.
Anyway, I mean, I say, "what, here?" She goes, "no, that little motel across the street.
" "You check in as Dr.
Smith.
I'll come as a bimbo named mitzy.
" Next thing I know, I am.
I'm up there.
I'm at the desk.
And I'm signing the register.
And but I notice this clerk is staring.
So I whispered to your mother, "why is he staring?" And she says "because darling" "You're checking in for a quickie, and you're wearing a lobster bib.
" She knew it.
She let me wear that bib over to the motel.
Oh, daddy.
You're so lucky to have such wonderful memories of the good times in your life.
I have so few.
You know something, daddy? That's what our trip to Orlando this week is gonna be all about.
My memory.
Well, what is it? Wh-what? You said you had something important you wanted to ask me.
What is it? Who do you like better? Siskel or ebert? I'll get you that special dessert you ordered, Dr.
Weston.
I can see why mom loved it here.
You must have wonderful memories of this place.
No, no memories.
Not at all.
Nothing.
I don't remember Albert.
Well, I'm having fun.
Well For you.
Because you're getting that medal.
A watch.
"My hero love, dad.
" Made it up myself.
You're not coming.
What? My awards ceremony.
You're not coming, are you? Well, it's not that I'm not coming.
Believe me, no.
It's not that.
Ah no, I mean, I mean, I wanna be there more than anything in the world, dear.
It's it's just that I can, so yes, I'm not coming.
That has to be the worst excuse I ever made up in my life.
- Daddy! - Honey, Barbara, listen.
I had already promised your sister I would go with her to Orlando to see a couple of her photographs exhibited.
I am getting the highest medal the police department can give.
You think it's more important to see a few photographs? By a woman who photographs the inside of your maytag washer and calls it "a mother's womb"? I thought I recognized my socks.
Daddy, don't you know how you're making me feel? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Come on, honey.
You know how easily your sister gets hurt.
Oh, Carol's weak, and Barbara's strong.
You can step on Barbara because she's always a good sport.
Where is it written that I can't be hurt? I'm hurting now.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Look, honey, Barbara wait, she screams more, and then she gets more.
Maybe I should learn to scream more.
Good for you.
Listen, excuse me, I'm having enough trouble here without having an argument at your table, too.
Please.
Now come on, honey.
And worse! You thought you could get away with it by bribing me.
I don't want the watch.
Hmmm.
For she's a jolly good hero for she's a jolly good hero for she's a jolly goo Albert, do not touch me.
Come on, dreyfuss.
Give me emotion.
Give me anger.
Work with me.
Well, well.
What have we here? Man's best friend with the worlds worst date.
Here, Charlie.
What's this? Still life with moron.
I want copies.
Where's your dad? Upstairs getting dressed.
Is he in a good mood? I got a favor to ask him.
Sure.
Good, then he's not still moping over that thing with Barbara.
What are you talking about? Oh, ho, ho! You don't know.
I'm in on something really good about Barbara, and you don't have a clue.
So tell me.
What? I know something you don't know Hey, come on, let's go here.
Hi, Charlie, how you doing? Hey, buddy.
I got a favor to ask you.
I came over to borrow something.
- What? - Your house.
- My house? - You're going away today.
It's not like you need it.
What would you want my house for? It's kinda personal.
I'd rather not get into it.
This is four bedrooms, right? No, Charlie, you may not have my house.
Geez, come on.
I'm gonna give it back.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Goodbye.
Okay.
But you better put a note on the door.
There's a lotta people coming over in togas.
What's up, daddy? What's this problem with Barbara Charlie was talking about? Oh, I don't know.
It's nothing.
She's getting a police medal right about now.
I'm not there, and she's angry.
Come on, let's go.
- A medal? - The gold medal of valor.
Come on, let's go.
Isn't that kind of important? It's the highest level they give.
Come, let's go.
What kind of a father are you? I beg your pardon? This has got to be the most important day of her life.
And you're not there? I had already promised I would go with you.
That poor little Barb.
Poor little Barb? What's going on? Who are you? Daddy, even I know the importance of a gold medal of valor over a couple of photographs.
Well, I didn't think you could handle it, dear, because you know how emotional you oh, oh, oh.
Now I understand.
I am the overemotional, neurotic, weak one.
Well, yes.
You give me no credit for being adult.
You have absolutely no idea who or what your daughters are.
And I resent what you have done to me.
And my little sister.
Do you believe this? Excuse me, daddy of the year.
You gonna hide out in this office all day long? Do we have any aspirins in this damn office that aren't orange flavored? Can't figure out how to get back in the good graces of your daughters, huh? None of them are talking to me.
Ugh.
I hate aspirins you have to chew.
Blech.
You can warn Esteban, the arrosco kid.
Didn't I see him last week? His mama says he keeps spitting out the medicine you prescribed.
She thought he'd better talk to the doctor personally, mano a mano.
I'll go with you and translate.
Laverne, I can handle this.
My Spanish is getting much better, thank you.
Yeah, I know.
Buenos dÃas, Esteban.
El medico dice buenos dÃas, Esteban.
Laverne, you don't have to translate Spanish into Spanish.
I'm just lettin' him know I'm the translator.
Now, Esteban, uh Pffft.
Ahora, Esteban.
Uh Pffft.
Laverne.
If you'll stop having trouble in English, I can go faster in Spanish.
Laverne, hasta la vista.
Okay, Esteban.
Usted, mi, dos amigos.
¿No dos amigos? Okay, look.
No, no, let's talk.
Let's talk.
Uh, hablamos.
Nosotros hablamos Mono a mono.
You're giggling, I'm giggling.
I don't know why.
Laverne, mono a mono.
What did I say? Monkey to monkey.
Monkey to monkey.
Well.
Whoo, yeah.
Harry, usted es kooky.
Okay, Esteban.
Now, usted es un Mono poquito.
But if you Medicino, mono grande.
Si, king Kong.
Mighty Jose-ong, eh? Ah, bien.
Por favor.
Bueno, ¿eh? See that, eh? All right.
Laverne.
He'll be just fine with his medicine.
Thank you.
Oh, bueno, Esteban.
Vamonos.
Adios, amigo.
Harry.
Harry.
How is it I can communicate better with a 10-year-old boy in a language I don't know than I can with my own daughters? Because in this office, you're good at what you do.
Doctorin'.
So stop feelin' guilty.
You can't be good at everything, especially daughters.
Well, it makes me mad.
I should not be having this problem.
Even the good lord Jesus said, "oh, god, why hast thou forsaken me?" Yeah, and? Well, if he was upset with his father, what chance you think you got with your kids? Dr.
Weston.
Eh Um, they're both here.
Albert, I am facing two very angry daughters.
I give you permission to hug me.
Oh.
Good luck.
Good evening.
Would you like your menus now? Uh, no, not not yet please.
- Daddy - But.
.
Not a word.
Don't say a word.
- The only reason - Not a pro Not a word until I'm through.
I'm the only one talking here.
Menus, Dr.
Weston.
Uh, no, no, not yet.
Now, I want the two of you to know that because of what's happened, I am very grateful.
- Grateful? - Did I ask for an echo? If I wanna hear my words come back to me, I'll go to Switzerland and yodel.
Are we ready for the specials? No, sir, I'll I'll let you know when, all right? Now.
These last couple of days, I've learned a lot.
I've learned that you two are much more loyal to each other than I ever imagined.
That Carol is a much stronger person than I ever imagined.
Barbara much more sensitive than I ever imagined.
This is good.
Doesn't say much for my imagination, but this is good.
But what's even better is that the lesson I got out of this whole thing for myself personally, the thing that hit the hardest and the deepest, is this: This has not been a fair fight.
- What? - Wait a minute, here.
This was no contest, kids.
You've been playing at this all your lives.
You are professional daughters.
You know when to smile and when to cry.
When to back off, when to move in.
You know how to say daddy like it's the most loving word in the English language.
You also know how to say daddy so that it sounds like it's the guy who put the torch to Joan of arc.
Come on, what chance have I got here? I'm an amateur father.
I love, I try, I screw up, I feel guilty.
That's my style.
That's the way I work.
I'm being the best Harry Weston I can be for you.
Now that we all know who we are, let's eat.
Not a bad speech for an amateur father.
Not bad at all.
On the house, hm? I have daughters, too.
Well.
Barbara.
Okay, daddy.
Thank you.
Oh, he gave you a watch.
Oh! You shouldn't have.
"Say cheese.
" Thank you, daddy.
Oh, your watch has a second hand.
Agh.