Fairfax (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

- Woah.
- Yo!
I can't believe we're going
to Hiroki's lair.
Our clout dreams are finally
coming true!
Yo, we're gonna be influencers
once and for all!
We never thought
our lives could be ♪
Anything but deadstock tees ♪
But suddenly,
we begin to see ♪
A bit of hype
and Latrine for me ♪
[all] 'Cause we've got
a Golden Dorito ♪
Hit 'em with the remix!
Dorito Mode!
[hip-hop beat playing]
[all] Killed our principal,
now we don't go to school ♪
Fit so fire,
I be smoking with no Juul ♪
Making deals,
I run Sundance with the crew ♪
FaceTime with Greta,
turning plastic into shoes ♪
[all] Gimme da' shoes,
gimme da' shoes ♪
Dale, Dale,
Dale, Dale, Dale, Dale ♪
[all] We've got
a Golden Dorito ♪
We've got a Golden Dorito ♪
And we're doper than you ♪♪
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪♪
[busy chatter]
So proud of
my lil Dorito winners.
Say "clout."
- [camera clicks]
- [all] Clout!
[monorail horn honks]
- [Derica] Oh, hell yeah!
- [Truman] Whoa, what?
Yo, private monorails
are the wave!
Private jets are poor
as fuck now.
- Language, Hyung-Joon.
- Sorry, Mom. Love you!
[door whirs]
All right,
now who wants to take
some boomers and hike Temescal?
[dance music playing]
♪
Whoa ♪
- Oh, my God!
- Wow!
- Oh, wow!
- Whoa!
Hot towel?
- Don't mind if I do.
- Oh, no, thanks.
I brought my own.
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
Ah!
♪
- [chuckles]
- Hey!
- Yo, check it out, the other winners!
- [sniffing]
[gasps] Let's go say hi.
Man, slow your roll, bruh.
Have you guys forgotten
why we're here?
To meet Hiroki and bask
in the glory of Latrine?
Yes, but also no!
We're on a mission for clout,
and the only thing standing
in our way are those dipshits!
- [lively chatter]
- [camera clicks]
[gasps] Those two-faced snakes.
Exactly.
Everyone's got to be
on their A game.
- We have to stay focused.
- Blue crab hand roll?
- Ooh, thank you.
- What makes you so sure this is a competition?
Isn't it obvious?
This is classic Hiroki.
Only one crew will
reign Latrine.
[attendant] Next stop,
Hiroki's lair!
♪
[Truman] Yo, of course!
Bieber, Kanye, Courtney Cox.
All the legends live
in Calabasas.
- Cindy was the cutest girl in the second grade ♪
- [grunting]
- Still remember the day
- Okay, Brian.
Biggest day of your life.
Hiroki's counting on you.
And that's why you're his
number one henchman of 15 years.
And if you do a good job,
Hiroki's totally gonna look
at your sketchbook,
and he'll be, like,
so impressed.
He'll be like, "Brian.
What other sick ideas
do you have?"
And when you show him,
he'll be like,
"No way!
You're so talented, Brian!"
And then, you'll become BFFs,
and he'll take you
on his meditation trip to Fiji,
and he'll name you
creative director of Latrine,
and people will finally know
your name!
Ayo, what's-your-name!
Them contest winners
is here, dawg.
Okay, let's do this!
[grunting]
♪
- [gasping] - Wow!
- Oh, sick!
[Derica] Oh, shit!
- [Dale] Whoa, whoa.
- [Benny] Hey!
- [Truman] Whoa.
- [Derica] Oh, my God!
Damn!
Those bougainvilleas don't play!
Tasteful, yet obnoxious.
I love it.
[Derica] Ooh, nice!
- So cool!
- Look, huh? - [chuckles] Yo!
[horns blowing]
I now present to you
the creator of fits.
Breaker of box tees.
Grinder of rails.
The Hooba of Stanks.
From House Latrine,
Hiroki Michael Hassan!
- Michael?
- So mysterious.
Look, goose bumps.
- [Benny] No way!
- [Derica] Yo, fire!
Okay, that's awesome.
♪
[gasps] Look at
that swaggy-ass fit!
[clears throat]
Oh, my bad, sire.
[groans]
Oh, shit. Is he gonna
Oh, yeah, man.
He's dropping in.
[grunts]
- [gasping]
- Oh, shit.
Ha ha!
- And he's okay!
- [chuckling]
[Derica] What a fucking lej!
Salutations, Dorito winners.
Welcome to my humble lair.
Please pardon our mess.
We've been remodeling
the kitchen since last April.
It's gone horribly wrong,
thanks to Brian,
who said this wasn't gonna be
a big project to take on,
and now I'm suing my contractor.
But that doesn't matter
because you're all here!
Welcome!
You've all earned it.
And to you I say
congratulations.
[cheering]
Now, come on in.
The lair is waiting.
- [scatting]
- You heard the man.
Pose, bitches!
[Hiroki continues scatting]
[Hiroki] Yeah! Word!
- [gasping] - No way!
- My God!
Before we begin,
there's some boring Brian stuff
that needs to be handled.
Okay, gang,
just gonna run you through
a couple terms
and condish ions?
Oh, my God! Could you be
any worse at abbreviating?
My apologies, sire.
As stated in the legally binding
Latrine contracts
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
NDA shit. Accept.
Check it out, edible wall paper!
Holy shit!
It tastes like In-N-Out.
Correct. I call it
"Farm to Table to Wallpaper."
The other side is Shake Shack.
Feel free to engage
in a discourse about
which is better.
Wow, you can really taste
the milkshake.
Actually, honey,
that's just stucco.
And we're walking.
This is the entryway
of Dope Shit.
- [Truman] Wow!
- [Dale] Oh, my gosh!
[gasps]
- Whoa!
- Shit!
Mmm.
[soloing]
Whoa. What's in there?
Oh, that?
It's just Spring 2023
and beyond.
But I'm afraid
only the purest of hype-heart
are allowed to lay eyes
on the future of Latrine.
Did you guys hear that?
- Fits from the future!
- That's it.
Our ticket to influencer status.
For the first time in our lives,
we won't be chasing the clout.
- We'll be the clout.
- You think he has hiking shoes in there?
[gasps] Ooh, ooh,
or maybe a Clif Bar collab.
It's Latrine,
anything's possible.
All right, now that we've had
an aperitif of dope shit
and all agree
In-N-Out is better,
it's time for you to see
my closet.
- Oh!
- Wow! - Holy!
[liquid trickling]
My God, it's even better
than I imagined.
Come with me ♪
And you'll be ♪
In a world
of sick-ass innovation ♪
We'll get lit ♪
With a fit ♪
Traveling through
my walk-in closet ♪
[whooshing softly]
- [gasps] - No fucking way!
- Holy cow!
Yo, this shit is so fi What?
Yo!
No way!
[chuckles, whoops]
It's everything
I ever dreamed of!
Huh?
Ah, très chic!
Yo, fam, quick selfie.
A'ight, a'ight,
everyone say Latrine.
- [all] Latrine!
- [camera clicks]
- [alarm blaring]
- [panicked chatter]
One of y'all done fucked up!
All right, nobody move!
The NDA clearly said no selfies.
Bruh, you know nobody
actually reads that shit.
Yeah, Hiroki said that was just
some stupid Brian stuff.
Why do you think everything
in this lair is so mysterious?
It's because no one takes pics
and posts them on sosh meed.
I hate to say it,
but rules are rules.
Brian, take them away.
With pleasure, sire.
[groaning and whining]
- Ah!
- No, no!
[gasps]
[screams]
Please, please!
You can't do this to us!
Everyone on Fairfax thinks we're
coming back as influencers!
The only thing you're coming
back with is a staph infection.
Enjoy the trash chute, noobs.
Buh-bye.
[all screaming]
Y'all just got gloop'd.
[screaming]
Not today, Satan!
[grunts]
[groaning]
Benny, what are you doing?
We didn't come all this way
to go home empty-handed!
We are in a fucking trash chute,
dude!
What the fuck are we
supposed to do?
Sneak back in there
and raid that vault.
We need those future fits.
You guys, look,
maintenance shaft, up there!
[grunts] Okay, Derica,
I'll give you a boost.
[grunting]
Take my hand, Dale.
[gasps]
[straining]
- I'm stuck.
- Ditch the fanny!
I can't do it!
It's you or the fanny, Dale.
Don't be stupid!
But every Scout badge I've
ever earned was with this fanny!
Think about the vault, man.
And the staph infection.
But mostly the vault!
Forgive me, Fanny.
♪
[grunting]
Come on, Dale.
We got to move.
♪
Funny story, Mikey Fassbender
and I do a boys' trip to Ireland
with our homies:
Neeson, Farrell, Gleeson.
Aye, aye, check it out.
It's the tour.
So we're out on the isle,
bellies full of Glenmorangie,
and I have the idea
for Cere-bruh,
a 3D printer for your mind.
All of Latrine's
dopest accessories come
from this machine right here.
Bruh, the things I could do.
Ooh, it's like
a director's dream.
Open your mind.
What do you desire?
[sighs] My fanny.
Dale, you okay?
I just feel so naked without it.
What's this muhfucka
thinking of?
[electrical crackling]
Mom, I swear that's not
what I was thinking of!
- [grunts]
- [laughter]
Yo, if that Fleshlight fucker
gets to see the vault
and I don't,
I'm selling my gear to Dale
and I'm moving to Oregon.
Ah, my hair!
Truman, shh!
Someone might
Hear you?
[all screaming]
Brian, is everything all right?
[sniffs] Smells like burnt hair.
Perfect, sire.
Just a couple rats.
I'll take care of it.
[screaming]
[gasping]
2023 T-shirts! We made it!
Hold up,
pit stains are the future?
This isn't the vault.
It's the laundry room!
[all screaming]
Yo! Up ahead!
[grunting]
- What do we do, Boy Scout?
- Uh, okay, here we go.
No fanny, no problem.
Just let me think for a sec.
Um, uh
Yeah, the tank's empty.
I got nothing.
What would Fanny Dale do?
Bingo.
[grunting]
Look, Robot Prince's jacket.
He was stationed by the vault!
- Follow that jacket!
- [all grunt]
[screaming]
- [groaning]
- [panicked chatter]
[all grunt]
There it is!
- [screaming]
- [muffled thuds]
♪
- [chuckling]
- [henchman] Hey.
Who are you guys?
Uh, we're the new
Velcro experts.
Velcro experts?
Yeah. Hiroki's gone sour
on the whole zipper movement.
It's all about Velcro now.
How come Brian didn't say
anything about this?
- Because Brian is a bitch.
- [laughing]
I heard he gets his haircut
at Fantastic Sams.
Such a loser.
[chuckles] Yeah, no, right.
By the way,
you guys don't happen to have
any, uh, knowledge about
any way that we can get
to the vault, right?
Just because we're supposed
to be here for the orientation,
- but we got lost, so
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
just head down the hallway
to the elevator,
drop down to the first floor,
and you'll see it right there.
Much love, my Gs.
It's gonna be both your asses
if we don't find them.
You're not our boss, bro.
I'm Hiroki's right hand,
aka I'm your fucking boss.
[scoffs] Then how come we
get two weeks paid vacation
- and you don't?
- You guys get two weeks?
Hey, there they are!
Got you, you little shits.
Yo, no way!
Hiroki's great-great-great-
great-grandfather was
a badass samurai hypebeast!
Killing for influence is
the original hustle, huh, Dale?
Dale? You okay, man?
[sighs]
I remember when I used to climb.
Me. Bag of chalk. Fanny.
Fanny and I promised each other
we'd climb Mount Everest
one day.
Come on, Dale.
We got to keep moving.
[sighing] Guess that dream
is dead,
along with the rest
of Fanny Dale.
Dale, you can buy
a million fanny packs
if we get to that vault.
It's not the same!
[bell dings]
Going somewhere?
Oh, shit, five-O and 12! Run!
[all panting]
[grunts]
[panting]
[all screaming]
- [panting]
- [Truman] Yo, this way!
[all screaming]
Hi-yah!
[all grunting]
[panicked groaning]
[screaming]
[panting]
You're dead!
[all gasp]
Game over!
Just come with us,
and no one has to lose
any followers!
No way! We're not leaving here
without some fucking clout!
You're never gonna have clout.
When everyone back on Fairfax
finds out
you got banned from Latrine,
your lives are over!
- [all gasp]
- You're gonna have to go
into social media
witness protection
when I'm through with you.
- Fuck that noise. We got to jump.
- Get 'em.
- See you soon, Fanny!
- [Truman] Live free, clout hard!
Deuces, bitch!
You have one job!
Seriously!
How hard is it to hench?
Can't you morons do
anything right?
Oh, fuck that guy.
Seriously,
I am so off Brian today.
[Brian] I heard that!
[coughing]
Is everyone all right?
Ah. I'm having a tween-life
crisis, but I'm alive.
Benny?!
Dale, help, he needs CPR!
Sure, I just got to reach into
my fanny and grab my LifeVac
Oh, right, I don't have it
because I ditched it
in a trash chute
and now my friend's gonna die!
Live, damn it! Live!
[retches, coughs]
[gasps] Nipsy? Is this heaven?
Close. It's the first floor.
And there's an open window,
right over there!
- [gasps] Wow!
- Whoa. - Cool.
[Dale] They know the answer?
There's got to be
an emergency exit map somewhere.
- Wait!
- Come on, D. We've come too far.
No.
If Hiroki's secretly
testing on animals
while claiming
to be cruelty-free,
then I need to know.
[meowing]
[barking]
[meowing]
- Aw!
- Aw. Animal testing.
- Aw, adorable.
- How cute! - [squealing]
I've never been more proud
to be a Latrine head.
This rules so hard!
Okay, which one of you pups is
the smartest one here?
[panting]
Uh-huh, nice try, mustard face.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- [whimpers]
Hey, yo, dog.
- You know where the vault is at, dog?
- [barks]
Fuck yeah!
Well, come on then. Let's go!
- [barking]
- Grab your passports, kids.
We're going to Clout City.
[all panting]
[barking]
The fuck?
[barks]
It's a trap!
The dogs betrayed us!
- Gotcha, bitch!
- [camera clicks]
Congratulations.
You are officially
as lame as Macklemore.
You can kiss
your clout dreams goodbye.
[laughing maniacally]
Why do they call it
a dial-up room?
- [modems screeching loudly]
- [all groaning]
[groans]
[straining]
Damn, these bars are stronger
than a J. Cole verse.
Ugh! I can't hack
this mainframe.
Netscape Navigator is
taking forever to load.
Derica, how's the séance?
Any luck raising the dead?
Mm, spirits are
so not feeling us right now.
Dale?
Buddy
How we doing over here?
You want to help us get out
of this bizarre '90s hellhole?
[sighs] What's the point?
Bro, come on.
I cannot be directing
shitty network multi-cams
for the rest of my life.
Yeah! Think of all the
orangutans I can't help
if I'm stuck in here.
Yeah, come on, dude.
Nobody wants to buy shoes
from a cloutless loser,
so we're gonna need you
to buck up
and get with the program,
jah feel?
No, Hyung-Joon. Jah don't feel.
I know you guys think I'm
this insanely cool,
normcore legend
who kissed Shania Twain,
but I'm not,
not without my fanny.
Why would you say that, Dale?
Because if I'm not helping
you guys with my fanny,
I mean, what am I
even doing here, huh?
Why keep me in the crew?
Everyone has their brand,
except for me.
Truman and his creativity.
Derica and her activism.
- Benny and his food.
- I'm a multi-hyphenate, you fucking fat shamer.
[sighs] Dawg, you think
we'd just up and abandon you
because you lost
your goofy-ass fanny pack?
Yeah, I mean, we're selfish
as fuck, but we're not monsters.
Look, we don't hang out
with you because you have
a bag of tools
around your waist, Dale.
We hang out with you
because in a world
of fake fuckbois and hypebeasts,
you're as real as it gets.
Yo, you're the first white kid
I ever liked, Dale.
You have a permanent invite
to the cookout,
but you cannot dance
to "Back That Azz Up," not yet.
Before you came into the crew,
we were all over the place.
Shit, Truman wanted to be
a magician.
Homeboy wore a cape
for all of sixth grade.
Real talk: you're a breath
of fresh Oregon air.
You're fam, fam.
- On God?
- Oh, hear that?
Using slang the right way?
Before you know it,
you gon' be cool as fuck,
influencing hella shit.
You know what?
You're right.
I'm more than just a fanny.
I'm Dale and I friggin' love
this gang gang!
Truman, I will see you
at that BBQ, my man.
And I'm wearing my du-rag!
I dare you.
Okay, I think I know
how to get us out of here.
- How?!
- I'm gonna kill Brian.
- What the fuck, bro?
- What the fuck?
With kindness.
I'm gonna use my mental fanny.
- Ah, yes.
- [chuckles] Oh. - Oh!
So much more on-brand.
[singsongy] Yoo-hoo, Brian.
Over here. It's me, Dale.
What the hell do you want,
you little shit stain?
I couldn't help but notice
your Arnold Palmie.
Oh, this old thing?
Yeah, I've been working
on my own little rec ipe.
It's called a Brian Palmer.
It's half lemonade,
half fruit punch.
Why don't you suck on that?
[slurps]
No foolies, Brian.
I would suck on that super hard,
because it sounds amazing.
Pass me a straw. [laughs]
Hey, I bet you have a ton of
other good ideas too, huh?
Well, I mean, I shouldn't be
saying this out loud,
but yeah, I've been designing
my own line.
You know, just shh
Top sec ret.
Top secret.
- No way!
- Yeah!
No, like denim underwear,
and like, a sweet-ass belt
that says "belt" on it.
- Ugh, I hate that.
- I love that!
So you never forget
what to use it for, duh!
Yeah, see, you get it.
I don't see
why fricking Hiroki doesn't.
He never likes my ideas.
Well, if he doesn't respect
your ideas,
why you still working here?
[sighs]
Well, I thought
after a couple years
of bitch work,
I'd be creative director,
hanging out in Milan
with Rick Owens and John Legend.
But 15 years went by,
and I'm still just
another henchman.
You're so much more
than a henchman,
but no one's gonna know
unless you show them, Bri-dawg.
Bri-dawg?
That's the first time anyone's
ever given me a nickname.
I've been asking Hiroki
to give me a nickname for years.
You know what, Dale?
Hiroki has been holding me back.
I don't need that waxed asshole.
- Yeah!
- Or Latrine!
- Double yeah!
- I'm gonna be my own creative director!
That's the spirit!
Now how about letting us
out of here?
You know what?
For you, Dale, anything.
All right,
I'm out of here, fuckos!
You guys coming or what?
Dale, that was
the most awe-inspiring,
posi performance I've seen
since Serena crushed Wimbledon
after having a baby.
Let's get to that vault!
[all panting]
[cheering]
[panting]
Access granted, fam.
- [whirring]
- [guitar soloing]
[all gasp]
I was beginning to think
you weren't going to make it.
Make it? But you kicked us
off the tour.
What about that selfie?
Ah, come on.
Everybody knows pics
or it didn't happen.
The selfie set you
on a path of hustling,
which is exactly what
it was supposed to do.
So, you're not mad?
Mad? You ruined my lair,
tainted my Gatorade river,
dirtied all my laundry.
I have 20 dogs running wild
through my home,
and my right-hand man
of 15 years just quit.
I'm furious!
- But I'm also incredibly proud of you.
- For real?
It ain't every day you meet
a gang like yours.
Committed to clout.
Ear to the streets.
- Nose to the grind.
- [laughing]
Come on.
So, why all this?
Why a Golden Dorito?
Simple, I just wanted to flex
and find my most loyal
Latrine heads.
But what about
the other winners?
[sputters] I sent
them basic bitches home
with some stickers
and an ashtray.
They saw some cool shit,
but they didn't see the future.
- [laughing]
- Oh, I almost forgot.
[gasps] Fanny!
- Thank God, you found it!
- [overlapping cheers]
Got to say, very well curated,
young man.
Hope you don't mind,
I gave it a little face-lift.
[gasps]
It's even more sicker
than before!
Thank you, Mr. Hassan.
Now who wants to see Spring '23?
[all] I do! I do!
[1TakeJay: "Drip Walking"]
Big, big, big swag ♪
Big, big, big swag,
big old, big old ♪
Big, big, big swag ♪
Wait, hold up, I'm finna turn
this bitch up
Well, guys, we did it.
We're influencers now.
After today,
Derica will be saving the world.
Truman's gonna be directing
a four-quadrant sci-fi movie.
And you're gonna be selling
Dunks to Bad Bunny.
You guys aren't coming
to school tomorrow?
School is for regular people,
Dale,
but we'll see you
on the group chat.
The influencers of Fairfax
have arrived!
[wind whistles]
Where is everyone?
[chuckles] Ain't you kids heard?
There's a new sheriff in town.
Those Latrine fits
might as well be Old Navy.
What are you talking about,
Weston?
We're literally wearing
the future.
Nobody cares about the future.
We're living in the now. Look.
♪
[cheering]
[lively chatter]
Reselling denim undies
for a thou!
Link in bio, fam!
Off-Brian?
- That motherfucker!
- Now what do we do?
Cop some Off-Brian, I guess.
The buck is hot
Ah. Man, is it good to be home.
- No, it isn't!
- Now I look stupid!
- Shut up, Dale.
- [all clamoring]
Yo! This is the end
of season one already?
- We just got here!
- Yeah, cuz.
Shit's donezo.
We flying south till season two.
Well, if I get back,
and it's not certified fresh
on Rotten Tomatoes,
I'm gonna be heated.
I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm gonna be heated up, pissed.
You feel me?
The buck is hot ♪
The buck is hot ♪
The buck is hot ♪
The buck is hot ♪♪
Chirp.