Fam (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Oh, my God, Clem, the barista was not hitting on you.
He was, Shannon.
He kept smiling, making small talk.
He called me Hot Vanilla.
Because that's what you ordered.
Why do you always think everyone's hitting on you? Wait.
This about what you told me happened last week with the UPS man? [Nick and Shannon laugh.]
"I have a package for you"? That's his job.
NICK: Oh.
Uh, speaking of jobs, I have news.
I might be getting a giant new office! You've been wanting one.
What happened? Well, the professor who had the office died, um, which is very sad, but I might be getting a brand-new giant office! Problem is, all the professors are angling for this office, but not all the professors can invite the dean to their wedding.
Okay, but your mom's not gonna be happy about this.
She called me last night, ecstatic, because she finally figured out the seating chart.
Look, she'll understand.
This is a way for her son to gain some respect at work.
- [door buzzer sounds.]
- CLEM: Ooh.
I hope that's the UPS guy so that I can show you guys what I'm talking about.
[breathily.]
: Hello? JOJO: Hi, is Shannon there? Tell her it's JoJo.
What? No.
No.
Oh, my God, no.
I never want to see that douche again! Shannon, come on! I have your jacket that you left at my place.
Go to hell, JoJo! With that stuff in the pocket.
All right, come on up.
Wait a second.
Is that MC DJ JoJo that guy that cheated on you? Yeah.
That's why I dumped his ass and didn't move in with him, which was a real sacrifice for me because he lives right above a Dunkin' Donuts.
[knocking.]
Shannon, baby, how you doing? Girl, I miss you so much.
Oh, yeah? What about that cashier from Arby's? Well, she's gone.
Baby, I'm not the cheating liar I used to be.
Okay.
Where's my jacket? Uh, I lied about that.
Get out of here, JoJo.
I never want to see you again.
Wow.
Good for you.
Took a lot of maturity.
I'm proud of you, Shannon.
Okay.
"I'm proud of you, Shannon"? Why did you say that? What are you talking about? She's 16.
You can't praise her for turning him down.
That'll just make her jump right back into his arms.
Oh, come on, Clem.
That's insane.
Right, and teenage girls are famously sane.
Yup, that's what they say about them.
"Oh, look, there's a teenage girl.
I bet she's off to make a super rational decision.
" Okay, but don't you think you might be underestimating Shannon? [rapid knocking.]
Hey! Just got a text from Shannon.
- JoJo! - [laughing.]
I missed us! [JoJo whoops.]
[door closes.]
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
Hey, Dad.
- Hi.
- [laughs.]
Hey.
So, uh, where's Mom? Uh, she is making herself a martini.
Mm.
At 11:00 in the morning? A woman after my own heart.
She's been celebrating ever since she finished the seating chart for the wedding.
That thing was killing her, but it's done.
She finally has her life back, and I finally have my wife back.
I told you.
It's only two people.
It'll be fine.
There are my beautiful babies.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Mmm.
- Rose, I've never seen you in pajamas.
- Oh.
Sweetheart, these are not pajamas.
These are my relaxation silks.
Mm-hmm.
I'm finally finished with the seating chart, and my personal hell is over.
Uh, Mom, uh, about that it's not a big deal, but I need to invite a couple more people to the wedding.
Oh, God, no.
It's all right, Walt.
This is this is not a problem.
I'll just take the old seating chart, put it in the garbage, and start a new one.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just I'm trying to get a bigger office at work It's all right.
It's all right, Nick.
You know what? I'm gonna take off my relaxation silks and put on my "what the hell did I do to deserve this" pants! [phone buzzes.]
Oh, it's a text from JoJo.
Her stupid ex-boyfriend.
SHANNON: Actually he's my ex-ex-boyfriend.
And he's not stupid.
He's a genius.
Anyway, I got to go 'cause he got his head stuck in a banister.
Someone bet him 20 bucks it wouldn't fit.
So, once I get him loose he's treating me to Chili's.
Wait.
JoJo I thought she hated that guy.
What happened? Nick? Would you like to field this question? [sighs.]
Well, I told Shannon I was proud of her when she refused to take JoJo back, which apparently led her back to [whispering.]
: JoJo.
Rookie mistake.
If you want a teenager to do something, you have to tell 'em the opposite.
He's right.
We need to pretend to like JoJo so that Shannon hates JoJo.
Of course, Nick always did what we told him.
But for cool kids, the rule applies.
[both laughing.]
There's the cutest couple! - Hi, guys.
- 'Sup? JoJo, it's so great to see you.
Nick, how great is it to see JoJo? So great.
[laughs.]
Because JoJo is an excellent young man of whom I am a big fan.
Okay, what the hell did you two take? Yeah, I want some.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
Drug humor I love it.
NICK [laughs.]
: Oh, too bad I have to go, but I'm so glad you two patched things up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, bye, babe.
- Bye.
- Could not endorse this relationship any more fully! I mean, Shannon, do not let this one get away, okay? This is the real deal.
JoJo.
JoJo.
JoJo! JoJo! - [ringtone plays.]
- Oh.
I got to take this.
Go-go for JoJo.
"Go-go for JoJo.
" That kid is a poet.
Give it up, Clem.
I know what you're doing.
You think that if you're nice to JoJo, it'll make me not like him.
[sputters.]
No.
- Is it working? - What? Shannon, look, I'm just I'm trying to stop you - from making a huge mistake.
- Clem, look, I actually really like him, and, yeah, he hurt me before, but he's a different guy now.
He's really starting to get his act together.
I honestly think that that whole getting his head stuck in a banister thing was it was a real wake-up call for him.
Yo, just booked a bar mitzvah tonight! Nice! Yeah.
DJ Sesame Bagel got sick.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much, babe.
Oh, I can sneak you in if you want.
- No way.
Yeah? - Yeah.
[both make silly noise.]
So, that's exciting about the gig.
Yeah, yeah, DJing is my job, but it's not my passion.
What's your passion? Pretty women, especially older ones who know what they're doing.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
See you later, Clem.
Yeah, see you later ma'am.
[laughs.]
Shan, you're gonna be late for school! SHANNON: I know! That's intentional! You really want to have this conversation before she goes to school? Her boyfriend hit on me.
That's something that she needs to know.
I absolutely agree.
And you're sure this is not like the thing with the UPS man? Hey, Shan, how was that bar mitzvah last night? Amazing.
JoJo mixed Jay-Z with "Hava Nagilah" and the place went meshuggener.
All right, babe, I have to go to work.
You good? - I got this.
- All right.
What's going on, Clem? Well, this isn't easy to say, but yesterday, when you left the room to go get your coat, JoJo he he hit on me.
[laughs.]
Clem, did he call you Hot Vanilla, too? Huh? Okay, maybe I was wrong about the barista and the UPS guy and possibly that guy at Subway because I now know that "footlong" is a thing that they say, but [sighs heavily.]
Trust me, this happened.
Admit it, Clem.
You're just saying this because you don't like JoJo.
No.
Shannon, I'm saying this because he hit on me.
He's not a good guy.
You deserve better.
Clem, I'll tell you what I deserve.
I deserve a sister who doesn't treat me like I'm an idiot.
You always think you know what's best for me, but you don't.
Besides, JoJo isn't into old ladies.
Well, he was into this one! And I am not one! - [knocking.]
- Yup.
Come in.
Oh, Dean Kaiser.
Here, come on in.
Has Let me, yeah, see if I can get Oh, shoot.
Wow.
- It's pretty tight quarters you got here, Nick.
- Yeah.
Uh, so, hey, um, I got that wedding invitation you put on my desk.
Yes, yes, very important day for me, and I really wanted my good friend and mentor to be there.
That's really sweet, but unfortunately my brother and sister are visiting from Vermont that weekend.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'd love to be there, but I just can't leave them alone on the one night they're in town.
Yeah You know what? Bring 'em.
Seriously? - Yes.
- To your wedding? To my wedding, yes.
Let's add a couple more.
The more the merrier.
[laughs.]
Look, they're coming with their spouses.
Spouses.
I love spouses.
I'm about to be a spouse.
Bring 'em! Are you sure? Yes, absolutely.
Bring 'em.
Bring 'em all, Dean! - Thanks, Nick.
- Yeah.
- Looking forward to it.
- You got it.
- Okay.
- [laughing.]
: All right.
All right.
Damn it.
Damn it! So, in addition to the dean and his wife, you invited four members of his family? Your mom is gonna kill you.
Well, if she does, that opens up one slot.
Oh, and Shannon's never gonna speak to me again, so there's another spot.
Ooh, that's great.
That's two.
Who else can we piss off? [knocking on door.]
Mm.
[clears throat.]
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I came by to let you know that I'm gonna need a plus-one to the wedding.
Okay, but first of all, you were almost a minus-one.
So you can bring a no one.
Come on, weddings are romantic.
I want to share it with someone special.
Once I settle on who that person is.
Okay, what does that even mean? It means I'm seriously dating someone, and I'm dating someone else seriously.
No wonder Shannon goes for awful guys.
Look at who her male role model is.
What are you talking about? Shannon's boyfriend JoJo hit on Clem.
Her? Isn't she a little old for him? - I think he has some sort of weird fetish.
- [both laugh.]
Okay, I am not "fetish" old.
I just don't want Shannon dating some guy who's horrible and cheating on her.
That type of behavior makes me sick.
It's no way to treat a woman.
That's how you're treating the women that you're dating right now.
Yeah, but this is my daughter.
And those women are also someone's daughter.
Yeah, but not mine.
Am I not being clear? I don't know what to do.
Shannon doesn't believe that he hit on me.
Well, if you really want to prove it, we could catch him in the act hitting on you again.
Get the whole thing on tape.
Now, you may have to, uh, hoo-chi-waa-waa a little to reel him in.
No.
Dad, no.
This is an insane idea.
You got a better one, Mrs.
Robinson? Come on.
You want to bust this kid or not? I mean, the last time that she dated this guy, she almost moved in with him.
You know what? Fine.
Let's do it.
On second thought, I'm not sure we should.
I mean, it's kind of an abuse of my power as a cop.
[laughs.]
Does no one get my sense of humor? - NICK: Hey, Mom.
- ROSE: Hey, sweetheart.
It has taken me 18 straight hours, but I have single-handedly rearranged the entire wedding and squeezed in two extra seats for your boss.
[laughs.]
It was dark, dark days over here, but we got through it, just barely.
Well, thanks, Mom.
- I really appreciate it.
- Mm.
But there's just, uh, one - little hiccup.
- Hiccup? Oh, God, not a hiccup.
Well, I talked to the dean, and he is thrilled like, thrilled to come, right? But, uh, so are the four other people I told him he could bring.
I was in labor 72 hours and [laughs.]
this is how you repay me? Was I a bad father? Is this your way of punishing me? Look, it's going to be fine.
Here, let me see the seating chart.
Okay, what's this in the middle? Can't we just put the table there? That is the wedding tree.
People put gifts underneath it, money and messages on its leaves.
It is a family tradition, and my one and only demand.
Mom, you've made dozens of demands.
You didn't let me finish.
About a tree.
Mom, I get it, I understand, but it would solve all of our problems if we just got rid of the tree.
Fine.
I will get rid of the tree.
I will rearrange everything.
Yeah.
Again.
72 hours! Okay, so this is how it's gonna work: Linda and I are gonna be seated right over there.
And as long as I'm facing your table, my body cam will record every disgusting act this punk does.
That seems great.
And it's so lovely to meet you, Linda.
And who is Linda? She's my girlfriend.
I can't just be in a restaurant by myself like a loser.
I got to blend in.
This is all very exciting.
Good luck getting this young man to hit on you.
Why, thank you, Linda.
Oh, he's here.
Sit down.
Go, go, go.
Hey.
I was hoping I'd hear from you.
I thought we should talk about what happened the other day.
You know, when you were at my apartment with Shannon? [laughs.]
You mean when I said, you know.
CLEM: I do know.
And I want you to tell me everything that you want to do to me.
But speak up and enunciate.
Oh, yeah.
I bet you'd like me to enunciate.
You don't know what that word means, do you? I do not.
Can I get the steak? No.
You know the drill.
Chicken or cheaper.
Freddy? Stacy.
What are you doing here? You left me a voice mail saying to meet you here.
Well, yeah, but, uh, you never called me back.
Who is this? I'm his girlfriend.
Who are you? I'm his girlfriend.
Excuse me, sir? I'm out of breadsticks.
Do you have any? - Hang on, Clem.
- Clem? How many girls in here do you know? Are you cheating on me, Freddy? If anything, he's cheating on me.
Go to hell, Freddy.
Yeah, Freddy, go to hell.
Stacy, wait! Linda, also wait! Yo, want to bounce? 'Cause I got my mom's Kia [singsongy.]
: if you want to get weird.
Now you say that? What is going on? I am not sleeping with my sister's boyfriend.
Well, I'm not her boyfriend anymore.
Shannon broke up with me yesterday.
She did? Why didn't she tell me that? I don't know, but I do know my Kia has lay-flat seats.
Well, my mom's Kia.
Gross.
I can't help it.
You're such a babe.
Tell me about the '90s! [knocking on door.]
Come in.
Oh, Dean Kaiser.
Please, no need to climb over to me.
Uh, I just came to give you some good news.
You got the big office.
I did? [laughs.]
[groans.]
That's great.
Congratulations, Nick.
You deserve it.
Oh.
D-Dean Kaiser, wait.
Look, I know the only way you could come to my wedding is if your whole family comes, but we don't have enough room.
- Oh.
- And I'm sorry.
If it costs me the office, I totally understand.
Wait, did you just invite me to the wedding so you can get the big office? Maybe, kinda, sorta.
Yes.
[laughing.]
Why are we laughing? I don't understand.
I hate weddings.
And when I thought I told you about my family being in town, I'd be off the hook, but then you invited them all like a big old psycho.
So you don't want to come? None of us want to come.
Oh, this Thank you, Dean.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[grunts.]
So, so do I still get the office? Do you promise to never invite me to anything again? I will exclude you from anything and everything until the day you die.
Thank you, Dean.
[whoops.]
Hey.
Where have you been? JoJo had a rap battle with DJ Sesame Bagel.
Toasted him.
I ran into him, Shannon.
I know that you broke up with him.
What happened? It's none of your business.
What did he do? Did he hit on somebody? Maybe.
Who? You.
Okay? He hit on you.
Wait, I thought you didn't believe me.
Of course I believed you.
#BelieveAllWomen.
Duh.
Everybody hits on you all the time, and it's super annoying.
Wait, really? Even that UPS guy? Are you kidding me? Dude was all, "Are you interested in my package?" It wasn't even a package, it was an envelope.
I'm just trying to keep your ego in check.
But then why did you pretend not to believe me about JoJo? Because I hate it when you're right.
And you're right a lot, and I hate it.
Okay, look.
Shannon, when I was your age, I made a lot of mistakes.
I can't even tell you how many JoJos I dated before I finally found Nick.
I don't want you to have to go through that.
That's really cool of you to say, Clem.
Thanks.
Nothing would make me happier than if you learn from my mistakes.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
What? Clem, if you didn't date all those losers, you'd never get how great you have it now.
[scoffs.]
Don't rob me of that.
Yeah, that's not really the point I was trying to make.
But it's the point you made.
And as we established, you're always right.
Hey, babe.
Sorry I'm late.
I got lost trying to find my way out of my new giant office! [gasps.]
That's great.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
I've got good news, too.
- Yeah? - Shannon kicked JoJo to the curb.
Also, more good news: Everyone is hitting on me.