Family Reunion (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

1 I want y'all to meet my family They're coming down south To stay with me - Big Moz - Do you love me? - Yep - I'm Cocoa Jade in the house, I've got a lot to say I'm a big sis Can't-miss renegade - Call me Shaka now - Hey - I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now - Hey Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi That's me - Little mommy, I'm Ami - Hey Singing loud and having fun It's Family Reunion Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
- Come on, get to the outside.
- Truck that dude! Truck him! Touchdown! Oh, my God! Pay up! Are you standing on my couch? He threw me up here! Get down.
And fix my pillows.
Wait.
That's it? What, no fussing? Well, she just went to the doctor.
Is it bad news? Please don't let her be pregnant again! I love being the baby of the family.
I'm fine.
That nosy doctor was all up in my business.
How much I weigh.
That's between me and my Jesus.
What'd she say about your blood pressure? Well, she said it was a little high.
She gave me a choice.
Take these pills or get rid of my stress.
So, Daniel, go home.
Wait.
You're not gonna take these pills? No.
I can control my pressure without it.
All I need to do is make a few minor lifestyle changes, like meditate or do some yogurt.
You mean yoga.
You ain't my doctor! Well, you might also want to cut out those bacon sandwiches.
Didn't I tell you to go home? Can't believe my Seahawks let it slip away.
Yeah, I can, I can.
- I'm just saying.
- Man, get Shaka's going out for the school team? No.
That boy's got all the athletic ability in the world, - but he channels it through his thumbs.
- Oh.
Oh.
Well, what about Mazzi? - Mazzi's not the football type of kid.
- What type of kid is he? Who wants cookies? Oh.
Got you.
See, Mazzi likes singing, baking, playing trumpet.
Not football.
I like football.
Liking football and playing football are completely different things, son.
It's all good.
Boy, you can sing, you can play in the band, and these sprinkles? What? You're a triple threat.
Thanks.
Mm.
That's my boy.
- What can I say? Mazzi's musical.
- Ah.
- You see this one? - I see it right there.
I see it.
This is so pretty.
- I want one.
- You got $1,500? No, but I can give you my everlasting love.
- Aw, I'll take that.
- Oh.
And $1,500.
Oh, come on.
It would go great with this.
Wait.
Is that my tiara? Yeah.
Doesn't it look great on me? Yeah, it does look great on you, but why is it on you? Well, I'm prepping for when I compete in Miss Teen Columbus.
Oh, my God.
Is it time? - Are you ready? - Yes, I'm ready! I'm so excited! Your first pageant! I'm I'll be your coach, of course.
We need to start prepping ASAP.
Actually, I set up an interview with the hottest pageant consultant in the state Haven Sheeks.
She was Miss Galaxy 1998, and she has the most girls go on to compete in Miss Teen USA.
Oh.
Okay.
But I bet she can't play the spoons as well as I can.
Oh! Ho, ho.
Ah! - Okay, well, let me try.
- Hoo.
Oh.
Oops.
Hey, Mazzi.
- Sure you want to do this, buddy? - I'm sure.
I got this.
Okay.
Go get 'em.
- Please tell me he's not skipping.
- He's skipping.
That poor kid.
I'm just glad I'm not his uncle.
Big Moz.
- Coach Atkins.
- What's up, Coach? Hey, just want to let you know.
I'm not playing that favoritism game.
You and your boy are just like everybody else.
Okay.
Uh, hey.
Did you just No.
That would be unprofessional.
Okay, Panthers.
We have a new player by the name of Mazzi McKellan.
Let's see what he's got.
Come on, line up.
Let's go.
All right, McKellan, the objective is to get to the end zone without being tackled.
All right? Hike! Uh.
Uh.
Go! Go! Go! - Whoo! - Go! Whoo! - Did I just see what I think I saw? - Man, I don't know.
He was moving so fast, my eyes couldn't keep up.
- My boy's a natural.
- Mm! Hey, did your dad teach you to juke like that? Actually, I took a modern-dance class.
Those pliés really help.
- Oh, no.
- I'll go start the car.
You all need to take that class, 'cause Mazzi just danced his way into the starting lineup.
Yes! I knew it, huh? That's my boy.
That's my boy.
- Hi.
- Haven Sheeks! Miss Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy Did she just do her own echo? - Mercy, Jade, you look gorgeous.
- Oh.
Did you do my make-up tutorial? Your contouring is exquisite.
Yes.
Oh, my God, it is such a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh.
- I have read your book cover to cover.
It's mostly pictures, but that's why I loved it.
Uh, hi.
I'm, uh, Jade's mom.
- Uh.
- Cocoa McKellan.
As a title holder myself I was Miss Rancho Cucamonga three years running.
Oh, well, bless your little heart.
So I know the circuit.
What can you do for Jade I can't? Wow.
Hoo hoo.
No small talk here.
Well, I've got five million followers, three best-selling books, and a podcast on how to get five million followers and three best-selling books.
Impressive.
But look at Jade's face.
It shouldn't be hidden by make-up.
It should showcase her natural beauty.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Cocoa.
There's nothing natural about beauty.
But I'll let my work speak for itself.
Okay.
Oh.
Uh.
These are the same girls? Haven, you're a miracle worker.
I know.
Without me, these girls would be Miss Rancho Cucamonga.
Now, Jade Let me ask you the most important question you'll ever be asked in your entire life.
Why are you entering the Miss Teen Columbus pageant? W-Well, I grew up watching pageants with my mom and watching these beautiful girls turn into royalty.
They just seemed so magical.
Heh heh.
No, it ain't magic, honey.
It's hard work.
But if anyone can get you that crown, it's me.
Well, at the prices you're charging, you should offer a guarantee.
Guarantee? Honey, I'm changing lives, not spark plugs.
Ah.
Pancakes? Come on, guys.
It's three in the afternoon.
- Mm-mm-mm.
We're carbo-loading.
- That's right.
Mazzi gotta get his weight up since he's gonna be the Baby Black Panthers' new star running back! What? Mazzi made the team? Yes.
Why do you sound so surprised? Yo, man.
Heads up.
No reason.
Shouldn't we wait until Mazzi gets bigger? I mean, he could get hurt.
They can't hurt what they can't catch.
That boy's fast.
Hmm.
He get it from his mama Hey.
I can't eat another bite.
Well, I guess I have to take this to go.
I will see you guys later.
Oh.
Hey, M'Dear, you out of syrup.
- Ooh.
- Not today and namaste.
Ohm.
Mountain pose.
And breathe.
This is easy.
Especially the breathing part.
Now move into the lunge pose.
Now hold it.
Ooh.
This is making my bad knee hurt.
Ooh, it's making my good knee hurt.
- How long do we have to do this? - Ahh.
Now hold this pose for three minutes.
Uhh.
Water break.
Where are you going? What part of "water" and "break" is confusing to you? You know what, Amelia? We have got to take this seriously.
Girl, you know high blood pressure runs in our family, and that's how Daddy died.
You don't have to remind me of that.
I'm trying, doing this yoga and watching my diet.
- I even made a healthy salad.
- Oh.
The recipe called for buttered lettuce.
I didn't have no buttered lettuce, so I put in some buttered noodles.
They wanted tomatoes.
Didn't have any, so I used tomato sauce.
Then they wanted me to put in some skinless chicken.
- Mm-hmm.
- Didn't have none of that so I had to use chicken sausage.
So what do you think? I think you made spaghetti.
Want some? Well, some garlic bread wouldn't hurt.
Everybody's talking about you, Macho.
Macho? That's your new nickname Macho Mazzi.
Macho Mazzi? I like that.
Hey, Mazzi, over here.
Mazzi.
Look, Macho, the band geeks are waving at you.
Uh, yeah.
T-Those are my friends.
You got moves and jokes.
Come on.
Cold root beers on me.
Your head is huge.
- What? - Oh.
Oh, it's a good thing.
All the great queens have bobblehead heads.
Heh.
Okay.
Oh, honey, we are gonna make history.
Oh.
Well, you've already made history.
I mean, with your track record, it's Yes.
I have had many pageant winners, but I never had one like you.
- You think I'm special? - Oh, yes.
And you're black.
That - is true.
- Oh, ethnicity is so in right now.
We just need to lean into your blackness.
You could recite a poem by Nikki Giovanni or a speech by Harriet Tubman.
Oh, oh, oh.
Michelle Obama.
Mm.
Everybody loves her.
She's crossover black.
- Ooh! - Wow! - Oh, he stuck that guy! - Mm.
What kind of testosterone-filled ritual did I walk into? Just celebrating our son potentially being the greatest running back of all time.
Hoo.
Get 'em.
And now I'm the thirstiest.
- Hey, get me a root beer.
- Uh, what's the magic word? - Now.
- Uh.
Oh.
Yes, 9-1-1, we got a homicide.
A homicide, a homicide.
Um, excuse me.
Who do you think you're talking to? - Sorry, Mom.
- Yeah.
I think you should go upstairs to your room and put that little attitude in check, mister.
But don't check it too much.
I got some money on you boys.
Mazzi has never talked to me like that.
If this is what football is turning him into, I don't like it.
Come on, Cocoa, he's being a normal boy.
Oh, so you condone this toxic masculinity? Absolutely not.
But tell me what that is so I'm sure I'm not.
Overly aggressive, misogynistic, obsessed with his manly status? He's not doing that.
This is just a classic case of guys What? Boys being boys? Now, how come every time a black man gets a little excited, people try to label us with fancy new terms like "toxic masculinity"? No, no, no, no, it's not black men.
It's all men.
Oh, really? Being aggressive is how I provided for my family.
Well, you never talked to me the way Mazzi just did.
I said I'm aggressive.
I'm not crazy.
- Right? - Mm.
Mm.
Sipping mint juleps on the veranda.
Ooh, I love our Southern traditions.
Mm-mm-mm.
Girl, it tastes like juice, but it's making me feel loose.
Now you understand how I sashayed through life, husbands, disappointment, all laissez les bon temps rouler.
Ooh.
Oui, oui, Lady Marmalade.
Ooh, this tastes good! Hah.
You know what? I can feel my blood pressure is dropping already.
Oh, well, that calls for another drink.
Oh, for medicinal purposes, of course.
Oh, okay.
- We have to do what these doctors tell us.
- We must.
- We must.
- Yes.
- Oh, and thank you, Dr.
Feelgood.
- Hello.
Yes.
Whoo-hoo! You got this, Mazzi! Go, go! Oh! Oh! Oh.
That's all right, baby.
Shake it off.
Chad's handoff was too hot.
Shh.
I think that's Chad's mom.
How do you know? Well, Chad's mom needs to teach her son how to hand the ball off.
And Mazzi's dad needs to teach his son how to hold on to the ball.
Oh, right, that's why they called you Dropsy McKellan.
That was one game, Chad's mom.
It was the Super Bowl! So? We won.
Mazzi's doing his thing, right, coach? Better than Chad? Mazzi's a heck of a player.
Got a lot of passion.
But he'd be even better if he could channel all of his energy into a more positive direction.
Uh, what do you mean? Aah! Oh.
I guess he prefers the red Gatorade.
Jade, you look absolutely stunning.
I do.
I actually do.
Now for the finishing touch.
I thought you said I look stunning.
Oh, you do, but, uh, diversity is trending right now, what with all this "Black Lives Matter" and "Black Girl Magic" and "Hail, Queen Bey.
" All you need to win is to be yourself but with more color.
That's why we have this.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I dated a black boy once.
Daddy didn't like that, though.
Come in.
Aren't you supposed to be getting dressed? I'm still mad.
Chad pitched the ball too high and made me fumble.
It happens all the time.
Not to me.
Chad's playing like he's musical.
Hey.
That's not a nice thing to say.
You and Uncle Daniel said it about me.
- And you're right.
I had to get tough.
- Oh, man.
Is that why you wanted to play football? Kind of.
It's what real men do, right? Yeah I mean, no.
You know, your Uncle Danny and I can be blockheads sometimes and say dumb stuff, but I don't want to pass that on to you kids.
- It's cool, Dad.
- Seriously, Mazzi.
I want you to know that you can be anything you want.
Men can be clothing designers and bakers, musicians.
You name it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I had a teammate that played trumpet for years.
Even had his own band.
Shaq's opening up a new restaurant.
And LeBron James has his own clothing line.
- Aren't they real men? - Heck yeah.
Son, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you aren't good enough the way that you are.
I just want you to be true to yourself.
'Cause that's what real men do.
I like football, but I do miss the band and baking.
Mom's cookies are good, but they can't touch mine.
Nope.
After we go to Jade's pageant, I hope you whip up a batch.
- Are you going to help? - Um, I'll watch.
I suck at baking.
Real men know their limitations.
You know, you might be needing this.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too, Dad.
Hi.
I just wanted to wish my daughter good luck.
- Oh.
- And finito! Oh, you are my finest creation.
- Aah! - Jade? Oh.
Sorry, I thought I heard my daughter.
No.
No, Mom, it's me.
Jade? What What happened to you? I happened.
Ha ha.
I have helped your daughter give meaning to the phrase, "Black is beautiful.
" Well, I don't know what you've heard, but orange is not the new black.
I have merely enhanced Jade's natural Afrocentric beauty.
Oh, and this looks natural to you? My daughter looks like a Jamaican pumpkin.
Black is the new black.
Stay woke, sister.
First of all, sista my daughter's blackness is already intact, and no spray tans, afros or butt pads will make her any blacker.
Oh, uh these aren't pads, Mom.
Oh, well, go ahead, girl.
M'Dear's red beans and rice didn't miss you.
Why are you still here? - Yeah.
You're fired.
- Ahh.
Y'all ain't ready.
I-I can't go out there like this.
Mom, I I just want to go home.
It's okay, sweetie.
Mommy will fix everything.
Come on, girl! Yeah! Whoo.
That was refreshing.
Now, wanna go around the block again? Whew, I feel a little light-headed.
- Oh, well, come on, sit down.
- Whew.
- Okay.
- Sit down.
Ahh.
Now, Amelia, I know you think you can beat this on your own, but, honey, high blood pressure is very serious.
And if you don't take the pills, then you're putting yourself at risk.
So come on, honey, I'm begging you.
Take the damn pills! Okay, Maybelle, you win.
I will take them.
Good.
Well, come on.
Let's go get those pills so we can get to your grandbaby's pageant.
Remember when we used to run around this block twice in under five minutes? No.
Which reminds me, I forgot to take my memory pill.
- What's wrong with you? - I have three ex-husbands.
There's stuff I just don't wanna remember.
I love your natural curls.
You look perfect.
- But I just look like me.
- Exactly.
But I want to be beautiful.
I want to win that crown so everyone will know I'm special.
Pageant contestants, please make your way to the stage.
Heh.
There's no time to put on make-up.
- I-I can't do this, Mom.
- Psst.
- Mom.
- Trust me.
You do not need makeup, Jade.
Whether you win or not you are a beautiful black woman.
- Mm.
- There you go.
Mazzi ain't playing with these cookies, y'all.
Mm.
Oh, man, you ain't never lie.
Do I taste blanched almonds? My boy can shake mm and bake.
And my girl is the first black Miss Teen Columbus.
Yes! I like your hair like that, Jade.
- Oh, thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
I think I'm gonna start wearing it curly more often.
Heh heh.
I still can't believe I won.
Well, I told you, nothing compares to natural beauty.
You've got the rest of your life to worry about make-up.
Yeah.
Like when you're 30 and actually need it.
But because you come from such beautiful genes, you may never need it.
Mm-hmm.
Close one.
I have to give it to you, Cocoa.
Coaching Jade to victory is very impressive.
Well, a few of the other moms have already approached me about the next competition.
All right, girl.
Pageant coaching might turn out to be your new side hustle.
And between that and her jewelry hustle, well, she'll have one whole hustle.
Come on, sweetie.
Do your walk for us one more time.
Okay.
I'll do it just for you guys.
Okay.
Ahem.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
- Okay, all right.
Wait.
- Hey.
- Oh! - Get it, get it - Get it, get it.
- Walk, walk.
- Where is she going? - Work it.
- Kiss the peasants.
Kiss the peasants.
- Hey, hey, hey.