Family Tools (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

Hey, guys.
What do you need? Hey, Mason.
Uh, I need some sink-front tip-out hinges.
- I'm on it.
- So I was hoping to look at a catalogue.
You know, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if that kid wore a protective helmet.
Any of these what you're looking for? Well, these are switch plates, and these are drywall screws, and these, I think, are Yeah, just animal crackers.
That's okay.
I'm on it.
No, no, I just He still makes mistakes, but he's making them a lot quicker.
Found it! Uh false alarm.
- Helmet.
What did I say? - Yeah.
What do you need, Jack? A hinge catalogue, please.
You're not gonna take this into the bathroom, are you? That model on page 27 holding a swivel hinge she'll get you there.
Hello, miss polished brass.
I guess I'll be looking at hinges online.
So, what are you doing this weekend? Oh, you know, I'm just gonna open a bottle of wine, light some candles, draw a warm bath, slowly shave my legs.
Right, right.
Well, I'm gonna take a shower, make it all hot and steamy, and then slowly flush the wax out of my ears in a sexy-like manner.
Yeah, maybe I could join you.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Would you like I mean, are you being serious right now? We're not be ah, almost had me.
I'm gonna call your bluff one of these days, Stitch.
"One of these days.
" - What was that with my sister? - What? Nothing.
We're just joking around.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Are you absolutely positive? - Yeah.
Can we blink now? I would, but I think my contact floated back behind my eyeball.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
I'll fix that! - Hey, Stitch, you on for poker tomorrow? - Sure am.
Hey, do you mind if I bring a friend? I don't care.
I'll take anybody's money.
- It's been a while since we played.
- Yeah, I know.
People have dropped out for some pretty feeble reasons, too.
"My kid got arrested.
" At least you know where he is.
Right? And Danny's wife starting contractions? Please.
Have the courtesy to play until it's crowning.
People do not prioritize.
Exactly.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, see you.
What's wrong with you? What does it look like? I got the flu.
So? You're an adult.
Deal with it.
- Tony - Come on, you said you'd make pigs in a blanket for my poker game tomorrow.
I take care of you every day.
Can't you help me out just this one time? No.
Just get what's-his-name to do it.
Yeah, I'll help, mom.
Oh, honey, I can't get my baby sick.
That's what my brother's for.
Oh, gross.
You're sick? Ew.
I don't see why you just can't cancel.
Because, unlike you, Terry, I care about other people, and I don't want to disappoint them.
Can you get me a blanket? I got to hit the can.
Look at this cat.
Fool put his whole head in the water faucet.
Get off that.
The inspector's gonna be here any minute.
Hey, no need to stress about the inspector, Jack.
I brought the bribe bag.
The what? The bribe bag.
If it's Steve Reyes peanut brittle.
If it's Ed Lobell apple fritter.
Just don't confuse them.
Reyes will tolerate an apple fritter in a pinch, but Lobell, he's allergic to peanuts.
You know, you got to stick him in the heart with a needle.
- It's like a whole thing.
- I'm not gonna bribe a city official.
We don't need to, by the way.
This is good work.
Look at this speaks for itself.
This counter says, "Jack built me to code.
And I am scratch-resistant.
" Naw, don't do that.
Don't make the kitchen talk.
Inspector.
That's him.
Don't say a word.
Let me do the talking.
Hi.
So, you two the Jiffy Fix guys, right? - I can neither confirm nor deny.
- He's kidding and irrelevant.
Uh, I'm Jack Shea.
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
That is neither Steve nor Ed.
I'm gonna need two minutes alone with him find his weakness.
I'm getting a strong kettle-corn vibe.
Go sit in the van.
- I don't need to sit - Go sit in the van.
What's it worth to you? See? It works.
So, you're, uh Kevin Kirkpatrick.
Yeah, are you new? Could you just stay back there? I don't like a lot of chatter while I'm inspecting.
Totally get it.
I'm like that myself when I work.
- I want a little - Let's see how do I put this? Um, hmm Shut up.
That's a good way.
So, is that your "van" out there? Yeah, that's her.
She's old, but she's Leaking oil all over the driveway.
Do you ever, uh, consider your clients when you park on their property? I hate guys like you.
No, no, I'm not a guy like me.
The oil was there when we got here.
Sure.
Thank you.
Wait, I failed? Yeah, with flying colors.
All right, this is silly.
I I don't know what happened, but can we just talk about this, Kevin? Sure, Jack.
What would you like to say? D do you like apple fritters? Have a good one.
Here.
You know, in case you have to heave.
You spoil me.
What? I know you're sick, but when are you making dinner? Oh, my God.
You really suck at this, Tony.
What? Okay, all right.
Don't get your panties in a bunch.
I'm coming.
Jack needs me.
You gonna be okay here by yourself? Actually, if you could bring me a, um Sister.
Sink's to code.
Tile work is competent.
Caulking is excellent.
Are you sure you did this? Thanks, dad.
All the work is good.
I don't get it.
Darren, did you bring the bribe kit? I was sent to the van.
It was a new guy a real hard-ass.
Wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.
Yeesh.
Jack, you got to get a handle on this guy.
Once an inspector turns against you, there is no fritter in the world that will save your ass.
Wet kitty.
He's all wet.
Jeez.
Hey.
Hey, Jack.
What do you think? Y you're beautiful ish.
Not bad.
Good enough.
Whatever.
These things are highly subjective, so, just, you know I have a date tonight.
I don't care.
Are you okay? Sorry.
I'm having a bad day at work.
There's this guy at the job that's - Kevin! - How did you know? Oh, hi.
Oh, um, Kevin, this is my friend Jack.
Oh, yeah.
No, we met earlier today.
- Uh, it's good to see you again, Jack.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
You look beautiful.
- I already told her that.
I told you that.
Well, I did.
We're not canceling the game because my stupid sister lacks the willpower to not get sick.
- I heard that! - Eat your soup! We'll set up the table in the basement, and we'll tell everybody not to breathe upstairs.
All right, well, then, I'll bring chips and dip and hand sanitizer.
But you're holding up okay, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, you know, my aorta lets me down from time to time.
But I never get sick.
Allergies.
I can't believe she's dating that inspector.
Yeah, a chump like that's not good enough for my sister.
No one is.
If I do my job right, she's gonna die alone and a virgin.
- Well - Don't.
W we can't let her fall for this creep.
Your sister deserves so much better.
What is your dog in this fight? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous.
And I don't know better.
Jealous? Me? I don't know what that means.
I mean, I know what it means.
I'm not trying to show off, but I do know what it means.
I'm just concerned.
I don't want her to make a huge mistake.
I'd be just as concerned if you were dating Kevin.
Please.
I'm way out of Kevin's league.
Hey, you need to tell Stitch what he's really like.
Why me? Well, if I tell her to go left, she goes right.
Unless she thinks I'm telling her to go left because I want her to go right.
In which case, she'll go left.
Unless she thinks that I knew that she thought that I knew that I was g - It's very complicated.
- Okay, I'll talk to her.
Thank you.
And if she's in a receptive mood, see if you can get back my crock-pot.
What? I like a hearty stew.
- Hey, Jack.
- Good day.
Just returning these lag bolts.
Okay Yeah, I thought they were right for the job, but I was wrong.
That ever happen to you? With lag bolts? Yeah, you think they're perfect for a deck railing because they tell you that you're beautiful and they say all the right things and they act all super nice, but underneath it all, they're kind of mean and terrible lag bolts.
This is about Kevin.
Oh, my God.
You are so paranoid.
But if it's that important to you, do you want to discuss Kevin and what a kind of a phony he is.
He's not a phony.
He's a nice guy.
He took me on a great date last night.
I'm sure you thought so.
He took me to Château la Fleur.
Kind of a pretentious choice.
And we had amazing champagne.
So, he got you drunk and gassy.
And then we went for a walk by the river.
Perfect place to dump a body.
You're lucky to be alive.
Listen to you.
- You are so jealous.
- Jealous? Oh Does no one in your family know the meaning of that word? I'm not jealous.
I'm fine.
I'm just worried about you.
I don't want you to make a fool of yourself.
Will you relax, Jack? We have been out a couple of times, okay? Just give him a chance.
No, I don't think so.
Well, you're gonna have to 'cause he's coming over to your house tonight.
You invited that jerk to play poker? Which one? I invited a lot of jerks.
Is he are you all right, dad? I'm fine.
No, he's not fine.
He's sick.
I am playing poker tonight.
- He thinks he can will the flu away.
- Hey, don't mock what you don't understand.
Jack, set up the table downstairs, and, uh just a minute.
Put out the potato salad and deli meats.
Your face is turning green, dad.
You need the bathroom? It's free.
Down.
Down.
Are you giving orders to your flu? Yes.
And I'm good.
It's all gone now.
Damn it! All right, I'm out! Cover your ears! Well, I'm just gonna needle Kevin all night, break his little facade, then Stitch can see for herself what a tool he is.
- Yeah, there's only one flaw with your plan.
- What? You.
- You're just so, um - I know, nice, but I was gonna say ass-clowny.
When I'm provoked, I can uncork some pretty stinging rebukes.
Uh-huh.
I talked to Ed Lobell.
It cost me 12 bucks in apple fritters, but I found out that Kevin's got, like, a really hairy back that he's super sensitive about.
How hairy are we talking? His nickname is "Chew-back-a.
" I do not need that image in my head.
Who's ready to lose, bitches? Hey! Oh, uh, Kevin, have you met my brother Darren? Oh, we're old friends.
Are we? You know, Kevin and I actually do know each other pretty well.
He came by and cited me for a bunch of petty, trumped-up infractions that cost me three days of work.
Isn't that right, Kevin? Look, I'm really sorry about that.
I feel like a jerk.
Sometimes I can get a little carried away, so I'm gonna swing by tomorrow.
I'll sign off on it? Yeah, well Really? Okay.
Good.
Um, I'm gonna check on Tony, and, Kevin, do you want a beer? - I'd love one.
- Oh, I'll take one.
Yeah, I mean, look, even if the work is sub-par, you know, you're a friend of my girlfriend.
- So, you know.
- Oh, "girlfriend"? Thought you had only gone out a couple times? Pump your breaks, pimp-juice.
What's up with you and Stitch? The protective big brother.
I can respect that.
Look, I have to prove myself to you.
Yeah.
Good luck with that.
How do you like NBA All-Star games? Very much.
Well, I know a guy at ESPN.
I can get you some great seats.
I'm starting to warm up to this guy.
Wow.
That breaks the streak.
You've hated, like, the last 50 guys I've dated.
I am honored.
- H how many? - Huh? H hey, are we gonna we gonna talk, ladies, or are we gonna play some poker? Mom always used to know how to take care of us.
- Remember? - Yeah.
She'd give me grape juice and graham crackers She used to give me that fruit cocktail in that horrible syrup.
Yum.
And she'd sing "If you're happy and you know it.
" Yeah.
I always hated that song.
But I loved when she sang it to me.
Yeah, I miss her.
I miss her, too.
I guess we could call her.
We should call her.
Hello? Hi, mom.
It's me.
And me, mom.
Oh, hi, kids.
Mom, we're really sick.
Oh, you poor things.
We wish you could come over and make us feel better.
This is my time.
You're both adults.
Deal with it.
I forgot where you get that from.
I'm out.
Jack works too hard for my money.
I'm out.
It's to you, Kevin.
Careful, you don't want to lose your shirt on this one.
Of course, you'd still be wearing your sweater.
Boom! What are you doing, Jack? Just a little table talk.
- You can take it, can't you, Chewie? - Sure.
I raise.
I see your raise, and I'll give you a blue chip if you peel a banana with your foot.
Bang! What the hell, Jack? Ooh! It's an ace.
This game is getting hairy.
Ka-pow! I'm all-in.
Whoa.
Nice poker face, Jack.
It's your call, Jack.
I think I got you beat.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
- Take it.
- I had junk! Damn it! Hairy back! I'm sick of being clever about it.
He's got a very hairy back.
Hey, guys.
Hey, have any of you guys run into this new inspector Kevin Kirkpatrick? Kev-Bo? Great guy.
He floated me on a square-footage infraction that could have cost me a bundle.
- Kev-Bo! - Hey, Billy! What's up? Uh, I came by the job-site, but you weren't there.
Big surprise.
You failed me again.
Yeah, oh, and guess what I failed you again tomorrow.
Um, oh, ooh, and this one's for the next day.
And oh, I'm off Thursday.
But this is for Friday you fail.
You know what? If you could just, uh, fail yourself from now on, that would make my life a lot easier.
Okay, I get it.
I was a jerk at poker night, but you were a jerk to me from the moment we met for no reason at all.
Well, I have a lot of reasons like Stitch won't stop talking about you - and it pisses me off.
- Well, you're just gonna have to deal with it, so take your clipboard wait, she talks about me? What does she say? Oh, well, how about I tell you after we braid our hair and pierce our ears together? Listen, Shea, she's mine.
Okay? So, back the hell off.
Gentlemen.
Kev-Bo! Hey, what up? I love that guy.
Get me some aspirin.
Get me some juice.
Oh, good.
You're both here.
'Cause I need your advice.
It's about me and Stitch.
Jack I'm so parched.
- Can you get me some - Aunt Terry, I'm trying to figure something out here.
So, Stitch is awesome.
She interesting, she's fun, she's really pretty, and ever since we were kids, we've been friends.
But ever since I got back, she's been doing this flirty thing with me, and I couldn't figure out if she meant it, but now I think she kind of does.
If you could just get me a glass of water.
Unless Kevin is just telling me that to goad me into saying something stupid and ruin my chances with her, - but that's probably crazy.
- My mouth is so dry.
If I do say something, I can't unsay it It's out there and I could lose her as a friend, and so long, 10% discount.
Just some ice chips.
I don't know.
What do you think, dad? Come closer.
What? Closer.
What? Idiot! Stop over-thinking everything.
Decide what you want to do and do it.
It'll work out or it won't, but either way, you'll have an answer, and you'll be out of my face.
You're right and a little cruel.
But I'll chalk that up to the fever.
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
- I'm gonna do it! - Bring flowers.
Get me some aspirin.
Get me some juice.
- Stitch.
- Jack?! Yeah, could we talk for a second? - Listen - No, you listen.
I got something to say, and it can't wait.
- Jack, this isn't the right time.
- No, I'm gonna make it the time.
- It's Kevin's - To hell with Kevin, all right! You can rot and die for all I care.
These are for you, by the way.
- Uh, Jack, I don't think that you underst - No, you don't understand.
All right? Stitch is an amazing woman, and she's with the wrong guy.
- Jack! - We've been doing this dance for a long time.
I'm tired of it.
Lisa Stitch Bichette will you have coffee with me? We can split a muffin.
There will be free wi-fi access.
Or we can hit up a boat show.
- Jack - Mm-hmm.
This is a wake.
- What? - Kevin's grandma died.
My heartfelt condolences.
And these are Kevin's parents, Maureen and Don.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
And his brothers.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Beautiful family.
To Agnes! I should go.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
That was probably the stupidest thing you've ever done.
You made Kevin's pop-pop cry.
God, I feel terrible.
Don't feel bad.
If I had a dime for every guy who crashed a wake to ask me out, I I would I would have a dime.
How about the coffee? I can't.
- Why? 'Cause of him? - No.
No, because of you.
A relationship with you would be serious, you know? You're not exactly somebody who can just fool around.
I can fool around.
I can totally fool around.
I'll fool around right now.
- You want to fool around? - You are so not that guy, Jack.
Hey, all I did was ask you to coffee.
- Come on.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way, why why did you pick daisies? It w they're no reason.
Because you had them in your hair the first day we met.
See? You're either gonna be the one, or we're gonna break each other's hearts.
I'm not ready for either of those things yet.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You're lucky we neutered you.
So I hear you made a move on my sister.
Well, it was hardly a move.
All right? I might have expressed some interest, but don't worry nothing happened.
Uh-huh.
You shut the power off to the disposal, right? Did I? Darren, please, no.
I told you nothing happened! Aah! I guess I did.