Family Tree (2013) s01e08 Episode Script
Cowboys
1 Kim is at home with a bad migraine.
Migraines are very painful particularly for me, because that means there'll be no hanky-panky tonight.
Your cousins are sick, man.
They got a jacuzzi.
This is pleasant.
- It's a she, right? - I haven't looked under the hood.
As dates go, it was pretty good.
Can't go anywhere, I'm leaving in a couple of weeks.
This is my great-great-grandmother.
That's Rebecca with her family, the Shmelffs.
That sounds very Jewish-y.
I love Jesus.
A tremendous Jew, Jesus.
Your great-uncle, Ezra Shmelff, was a film star-- Tumbleweed Tim.
Ah, living the dream.
- This is gorgeous.
- Isn't it? What is Tom doing with that genealogy crap? I know, but he likes all that shit, doesn't he? - I guess so.
- And we can just chill out.
- We can get a nice tan, go a bit brown.
- Oh, you're going red.
- I'm not-- yes.
- That's rouge.
I have to go red and peel before I go brown.
- It's a genetic thing.
- What factor have you got on there? Hell-- hello.
Excuse me.
Can I just say that is a very eloquent bikini? Have you got the time? Because by my watch, I make it feeding time at the you.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Back at home I work in a zoo.
So I'll do it again.
Have you got the time? Because by my watch, it's feeding time at the you.
I hate to watch you go.
But I love to look at that.
Oh, you can't talk to women like that.
It's something lost in translation.
- She was a slut anyway.
- Exactly.
- No, that's not relevant.
- She led me on! She led me on! - How long have you worked here, Ally? - Three years.
Do you find that being around the books - makes you more clever? - No, actually.
I feel like all the ideas have been written already.
These are audiobooks.
Good for you.
- CDs are the future.
- Picture books.
You know, I just read this great novel.
It's like a romance thing, I suppose.
It's about this-- it's like a love triangle between this girl and this guy, but she likes this other guy.
So it never really works out.
Oh, and one of them is a vampire and the other one's a wolf.
Um, it's hard.
- It's "Twilight," yeah.
- "Twilight," yeah.
- Yeah.
- You've heard of it? - Yes.
- Yeah.
It's really good.
So, we have the largest section of Native American books in the city.
- Oh.
- It's our claim to fame here.
I don't need to read the book; I've lived the life.
Let me ask you this: do you have any interest in seeing some memorabilia from a Jewish cowboy in the '20s? Yes.
- That was quick.
- I love Jews, I love cowboys.
Well, you are in for a treat because I have to meet my cousin Melvin Schmelff.
- He's got a bunch of-- - Schmelff? That's right.
I'd love you to tag along.
I would really love that.
I'm supposed to get off in, like, an hour.
But it's really slow, so I can-- - What if I buy a book? - Okay.
- I can fill your quota.
- Yeah.
Yeah, actually-- I'll buy anything.
Don't really have a-- I'll take that.
Oh, shoot.
You know what, that's good - because I've only got the audiobook of this.
- Oh.
She has such lovely hair.
I'll take that for my friend Pete.
- He's into pictures.
- Right.
- Can we eat? I'm starving.
- Yes.
- Do you reckon they do kebabs? - I want a lager.
But I just wanna go and try some clothes on first.
- Is that all right? Do you mind? - Yeah.
I'm not clothes shopping.
Excuse me.
Do I have to book to eat here or is it-- Oh, no, no.
Sit anywhere you like.
- Great.
Can I sit there? - Yep.
- What about in the shade? - Yeah, yeah.
- Or inside? - Yeah, anywhere.
Well, what about the one right at the end? - What are you doing? - Anywhere? - I can sit anywhere? - Yeah.
Brilliant.
Do you do doner kebabs? I don't think so.
Do you do scampi and chips? We have a menu.
I'll just show that to you.
Do you do steak and ale pie with mash? - Well, I have a menu.
- But you serve tea, right? Proper builder's tea.
Do you do ham and cheese toasties? I love ham and I love cheese.
Chips, right? He's gone.
I don't know where to sit now.
I hate clothes shopping.
Ooh, and look at these hats.
Do you reckon I could pull off that hat? Is that a euphemism? Coming.
Hi, I'm Tom.
This is my good friend Ally.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Come on in.
- Thank you, Mr.
Schmelff.
- Relax a little bit.
Awfully sorry my wife can't be here.
She's with her mom and she came home from surgery.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
She had a tummy tuck, an eye job, and a butt reduction.
She's okay.
- And here we are.
- Oh, look at this.
- Wow! - That's him.
Tumbleweed Tim.
I can see the resemblance.
- You see something there? - Yeah.
That's his great-great-uncle and that is my grandfather.
- Wow.
Handsome.
- He looks so manly.
Well, he was very thoughtful.
- Oh.
- He was a very pensive cowboy.
He's got his gun, he's got his chaps, and he's staring out over at his things.
- Oh.
- I'd love to show you them.
- It's the hat.
- Yeah, that's the hat.
- Yeah? It's good.
- Now that's hot.
- You were cute before, but this is - Right? - I'm joining the family.
- Be very careful, if you don't mind.
You can wear the gloves.
Be very gentle.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Look at these.
- These are spurs.
- Made specially.
- And what's the squiggles? The little squiggles is Hebrew and it says "Mazel tov.
" - Mazel tov.
- You know what that means? - Good luck.
- Good luck.
Well, that makes sense.
- Good luck to you.
- Did he wear these in the films? - He never wore them in movies.
- Why is that? Well, you know, it was the '20s and you couldn't really be a Jewish cowboy.
But he wasn't ashamed of being Jewish.
He did wear them at home all the time.
Oh, his wife-- that was a big bone of contention.
Can we put them back? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
These were the boots that he wore in every-- - yes, we'll put the-- - I'm good.
You know what, I've got such a big cranium.
It's not a bad thing to put it down.
- I'll put it down.
Why not? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
These are the boots that he wore basically in every movie.
- Wow.
- And they're quite amazing.
There's a little of an odor in there.
Jesus Christ.
But smell.
Get a whiff.
- Whew.
- Prepare.
- Wow.
- Oh, God.
I'm gonna try it once.
Oh, my God! It's worse than I remember.
They smell like 50 years of work.
That was 50 years-- well, it would have been 50 years of work.
He was the best riding cowboy in the business.
He was one of the few Western stars who could do a horseback ride and a shoot-out at the same time.
It was very, very difficult.
He was galloping and galloping and galloping and shooting and shooting and shooting.
He survived the horse riding and shooting, but he couldn't survive the scandal.
- What scandal? - I'll tell you about it.
See this name? Madge Dubois.
Oh, my God, she was gorgeous.
She was so beautiful.
I think she was in three of his pictures.
Oh, he was so devoted to Madge Dubois.
He got into a love scandal.
Wow.
It was actually a love triangle.
Really more of a quadrangle.
It was Tumbleweed Tim, an unidentified party, Sagebrush Sam, also known as Backdoor Billy.
- Oh, is it - We won't go into that.
- Yeah.
- She's discovered dead - in the alley.
- No.
She's been poisoned, strangled, suffocated, and shot, and they can't figure out how she died.
- It was probably one of those things.
- It may have been.
- But they never pinned it on anybody.
- Right.
- Tumbleweed was innocent.
- Do you know that? Let's just say he didn't do it and move on.
- Nobody was blamed for it.
- The scandal killed him.
Yes, the scandal killed him.
And that's it.
Kaput.
So he never made it to the talkies.
Well, he-- actually, he did a screen test for a television series in the '50s called "Saloon.
" Wait a minute here.
I'm gonna pull it up for you.
Let me tell you something, Mr.
Big Shot, if you're not out of this town by the last stage, I will personally organize a necktie party for you myself.
Such a shame that scandal stopped him having a career in the talkies.
You think I'm bluffing? Oh, look who's being Think we can turn it off now? - Yes.
- You're gonna be in Boot Hill so fast, your head will be spinning.
- How much did you tip that guy? - $6.
- He looked really annoyed.
- I gave him $6.
You're supposed to tip 15% here.
If anything, I overtipped him.
- Yeah, right.
- Yes, I gave him a little brown one and the little silver one.
- That's like 5p.
- I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
Where's Monkey? Have you got Monkey? No.
Why would I have Monkey? - Where's Monkey? - I've no idea where Monkey-- - Where's Monkey? - Oh, God, I thought we were having fun.
- Monk? - Excuse me.
Have you seen a monkey puppet? Do you remember I was here with my friend and she had a little hand puppet? - 6 cents? - I don't-- no, I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
- He's not in there.
- No.
He's not in here.
- Of course he is.
- He's not.
I asked the bloke.
- He said he's not in here.
- You haven't looked properly.
- How is it my fault? - Bloody idiot! Where is he?! This little chunk of what you see here - went on for miles and miles and miles.
- Really? And this is where my grandfather worked.
This is Cottonwood Studios.
And there's a placard right there.
They made-- I think 233 Westerns were filmed here.
And, you know, it says-- look, "King of the Prairie" was here.
That was fantastic.
- And my grandfather-- - Tumbleweed Tim.
He was there.
He was in uh, "Bad Man Wind.
" I heard it was a fantastic movie.
And the fort is over there.
They had an entire fort.
They had like a PX and you could buy blankets.
It was fantastic.
- And over there-- - Wow.
that actual building, the low, gray building-- that was the office and they had a little script room and they wrote there.
And they still use that as a-- It's for migrant workers.
- Really? - Sorry.
Just one sec.
Hello? Oh, my God! Bea? You all right? - I can't feel my hand! - What? - What's going on? Has Pete touched someone? - No! Monkey's gone missing! Monk has gone-- okay, where are you? I'm in Venice Beach.
Okay, all right.
I'll be right there.
- Help.
- Okay, bye.
Guys, I'm really sorry.
- We need to go.
- Really? Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
- Is everything okay? - My sister has lost Monk.
She's lost her little fella.
- Oh, my God.
- Seriously? - Yeah, in Venice.
- Oh, my God.
Don't talk.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
Under Megan's Law, we can check for sex offenders in the area.
- I'll go call immediately.
- Yeah, um, the thing is Monk's a puppet.
- There she is.
- A puppet? He's just a little monkey puppet.
- Bea, he hasn't seen it.
- You can't miss him! - He must have come by here! - Bea, Bea, Bea.
- Tom.
- Okay.
All right, okay.
It's a living hell.
- I can't find him anywhere.
- I know.
- Where have you looked? - I've looked everywhere.
Okay, this is what we're gonna do.
I've got a great plan.
I love you and I'm here and I'm gonna help.
We're gonna go back to London and get you a lovely new puppet.
Okay.
No, sorry! No, no! - How can you say that? - Okay, we won't do that.
Why did you say that, Pete? You can't replace him! My hand is clamping up.
- My God! - Okay, well, we can't have that.
- Help me! - Yeah.
We're gonna find him.
We're gonna find him.
- Look for him! - We've been looking already.
Have you seen a little monkey puppet? No puppet? Have you seen a little toy monkey that talks? Excuse me, sir.
- Have you seen a little monkey puppet? - Mm-mm.
Have you seen a little puppet monkey? He's like a little puppet and he talks.
Monkey, try to tell me where you are.
Monkey? I don't know where I am.
Just try and see where you are, Monkey.
Tell me where you are.
I don't know.
This is a nightmare.
Have you seen a puppet? - There he is! - Oh, God! - Look! - Here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Thank God.
- This is my sister's puppet.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.
- And you're gonna donate it to us to make another child very happy.
- That's so sweet.
- No, that isn't-- that would be sweet, but that's not what's happening.
I think somebody must have thrown it into one of these cans, thinking it was garbage.
Gee whiz, I just got here.
Let me check the receipts.
- We take a receipt for everything that we have.
- Oh, sure.
Well, there won't be a receipt unless it was stolen by a charitable thief.
And lookit here.
There is a stuffed monkey - Shut up.
- to a Mr.
Creutz.
- So that's-- this is a charitable donation.
- Oh, you're a charity? I'll give you $30.
No, we cannot accept any money.
We're a not-for-profit, so it's a tax issue.
There's absolutely no tax issue involved.
You can receive all the money that you want as long as you give it back to the charity.
I'm a professional tax attorney and I know.
Here's the thing-- my sister is a 38-year-old woman who talks to a fucking monkey.
The underprivileged kids can get privileged.
She's beyond help.
I'm an underprivileged kid.
I never knew who my dad was.
Can I have it? I'm sorry you don't know who your dad is, but these are-- a lot of children are in need of these wonderful-- - It's a piece of polyester.
- Tom, stop shaking him! I'll give you $100 for it.
Listen, I'm not gonna take $100! You're really creeping me out, all right?! Now you and you and you and you and you can just get out of here! - All right.
- Leave the monk-- oh! You get the fuck back here, man! Aw, sh-- I can't leave the toys.
Follow me! Up here, up here.
- Thank you! - Oh, you're welcome.
- Thank you, Tom.
- Everything's all right.
Oh, my God.
That was such a horrible day.
- That was nuts.
- Oh, I'm sorry she's so weird.
Aw, it's all right.
No, thank you, 'cause-- I don't know.
She wouldn't have survived.
He's part of the family.
- That was really good.
- Hey, this is Ally.
- Hello.
- And Melvin.
- I'm so sorry.
- This is my sister Bea.
I'm embarrassed about my behavior.
- Is that the monkey? - This is Monk.
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- He's such a sweet monkey.
- So she really freaked out.
- He talks.
- Yes, I talk again.
Now I do.
Now that I found you.
- I should probably say something, shouldn't I? - Sure.
That'd be nice.
Ahem.
Welcome one and all to our happy home.
Kitty and I would like to welcome you.
To our many friends-- old friends and new friends-- family who've come a short distance and people who traveled from very far away, welcome.
We're just elated to have you here with us all.
Um, you work your whole life and suddenly you realize what do you have for it? You have a bunch of stuff.
There was even a bumper sticker years ago that said, "He who dies with the most toys wins.
" Well, I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack on top.
I would propose that he who dies with the most friends and family wins.
And I toast you now as a winner.
To family and friends.
Cheers.
Are we doing everybody? - Friends and family.
- Friends and family.
Thank you, Al.
That was beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you for the-- loved having you here.
Listen, what's the deal with football over here? You've got American football and you call football soccer.
No-- no.
We call football football.
That shouldn't be football 'cause you rarely use your foot.
There is a guy that actually-- You only use your foot for the conversions.
But the foot's in play at that point.
Yeah, but you throw it.
We don't touch the ball, so we should have football.
Yeah, okay, so then why is it better that you don't touch it? 'Cause you can't just pick a ball up and run with it.
That's rugby.
Why don't you call American football rugby? I'm just saying we invented football.
I call it-- what? - Is that Victoria? - Your great-aunt.
- I didn't know that you met.
- She came here to the States.
She was on some kind of a quest about her family tree.
- No.
- Oh.
When was that taken? A couple years ago.
That's-- don't you find it weird that she came so far close to the end of her life? - I wonder what she found out.
- Yeah.
And I wonder why she gave that box to you.
Coincidence? I'm not sure.
Did she leave you anything? No.
Maybe she just liked me.
I know the spotted pup song 'cause that was handed down from my grandfather.
I can't hear what you're saying.
- Spotted pop? - Spotted pup.
- A dog, you know? - Oh, right.
When they're small, we call them pups.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- I'd like to see you naked.
- Sorry about that.
I would, yeah.
I think you'd be disappointed.
Well, I wouldn't be there, obviously.
Just me and you.
I-- I don't think that's gonna happen.
- I'll be totally honest with you.
- Fine.
I've kind of made a commitment this evening to keep my clothes on - Okay.
- until I go into my camper - which is parked-- - That's a shame.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- But, uh - So, are you married? Um, I am married, yes.
- You are? - I am.
She here? No.
My wife is missing.
Oh.
Yeah, she's been missing for several years now.
- Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
You killed her? Well, I've been doing magic for years.
I wish I had my props here.
I usually have a little stool and a table.
Incidentally, how do you fit four gay men on one bar stool? - Turn it upside down.
- Ooh.
Now, pay-- pay attention over here.
All right, I like to keep a record of all the jobs I do, of course.
So I have a little diary, you see? - Fancy.
- Yeah, of course.
But at the end of the month I look, and what have I been doing? - I've been doodling.
- Oh, no! For heaven's sakes.
Who's gonna believe that? So I can't find any of the records of the jobs I did.
- Oh, shit.
- I look again, - and it's even worse because now it's-- Hey! You're a witch.
Tom, I think you should have one of these.
Not so much for the doodle part.
You can fill in where you've been in the States, if you've met anyone interesting, any unusual incidents.
- Hi.
- Is that-- - Michael.
- Speak of the devil.
- Kim, come on in.
- Magical Mike.
What are you doing in here, Mike? Just visiting with friends from over the pond.
- This is Pete.
- Hello.
This is my partner Kim.
- Hello.
- Kim? - This is Tom.
- Tom, hello.
- Hey.
- And this is lovely Ally.
- Hi.
- Oh, lovely indeed.
Hi, Ally.
- Kim, sit, sit.
- Can I join the party? I was afraid you wouldn't make it again.
- Another no-show.
- No, no, no.
I show.
This is your better half-- Kim? Indeed he is, yeah.
Say, what does a gay man have in common with an ambulance? - What? - They're both rear loaded and they go, "Whoo, whoo!" Who told us that? Was that Clark? Sweetie, could you get me some more containers for the leftovers? Yeah.
- Is that my mother's glass? - Yeah.
Let me see if I can find someone to help me in the kitchen, not work against me.
Don't blame and leave.
I am a terrible cook, but-- - You are? - Yeah.
But I'm a great eater.
If that's-- That's great.
This will work out well.
Oh, I know this show.
Oh, yes.
I love this show.
Is this what you desire I watch this with my mom.
my lord? It's lit so beautifully.
Mm, it's really well written, too.
Tommy, we're going old-school raving.
Back to '92, Caesar's Palace.
Not drugs, just booze.
- Up for it? Fancy it? - Um, no.
Everything you just said sounds terrible.
So I think I'm all set.
I was at a rave this morning.
- You wanna-- - No.
You sure? You sure? I'm gonna kick it-- this town's back doors in.
Are you going dressed like that? - Of course I am.
- I think we'll stay here.
We're all right.
Are you guys going? - Yeah.
- All right, you crazy kids.
- Have a good one, guys.
- All right, have fun.
- Are you going, Bea? - I'm off to bed.
See you soon.
- Okay.
- We're emotional.
- 'Night.
- Nighty-night.
Tommy, Tommy, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Oh.
- No, I'm jok-- I would.
Tom, could you give me a hand in the kitchen? My genius wife just broke a glass.
There's a broom in the hall closet.
Yeah, of course.
Okay, I'm just gonna go cleaning.
- I'll be back in a minute.
- Okay.
Wow.
Oh.
I see you've found my special room.
Hey.
Yeah.
This is great.
I mean, this is very similar to what I used to do at work.
And the detail is so good.
Do you know what you're looking at here? Uh, no.
This is Dealey Plaza where JFK was shot in 1963.
- Exact replica.
- Oh.
Wow.
Yeah.
Grassy knoll, book depository.
With this model I was able to prove that not only did Oswald not act alone, but I proved how they were able to cover their tracks with all the evidence they left behind.
The grassy knoll and the book depository-- they moved it in the middle of the night.
Cut it into pieces, took it all down, moved it to Area 51.
- They moved the grassy knoll? - Oh, yeah, to Area 51.
It's sitting there right now.
I have friends who've seen it.
Too much evidence in there.
They couldn't let it sit.
Is that the moon? That's the moon, all right, where the supposed lunar landing took place in 1969.
The supposed lunar landing? Do you really think we had the technology in 1969 to get men on the moon and bring them home? - Kinda.
- 238,000 miles average-- 221 at perigee, 252 at apogee.
- I do.
- A moving target.
You think they landed on the moon? - Yeah.
- No, they were orbiting around the Earth while they did this all on a soundstage.
Where? Area 51.
Uh-huh.
Behind the grassy knoll, probably.
You ever see the footage of the men on the moon? - Yeah.
- There's an American flag blowing in the wind.
Oh, wait, there's no wind on the moon 'cause there's no atmosphere.
There should be a crater under the LEM.
There's no crater.
There should be a little crater for when they're landing.
What about the star field behind them? There's no stars in the background.
Why? They're in a soundstage.
It didn't happen? We got taken for a ride is what happened.
- Is that a city on the moon? - Well, that's on the dark side of the moon.
There are people there.
They've been there for thousands of years.
- Of course.
- There's a whole alien race living there.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
That's a good album.
Oh, my hero.
Neil Diamond.
Great singer and a man who knows it all.
That's why they wanted to shut him up.
Look at this.
Neil Diamond: concert cancelled.
Throat problem.
"Neil Diamond Concert Cancelled.
- Singing Legend Cites Throat Problem.
" - Yeah.
Couldn't talk or they didn't want him to talk? - Probably couldn't talk.
- Oh, no, they didn't want him to talk.
- Right.
- He knows where all the bodies are buried, about the New World Order, enslavement of the masses, health care for all.
- He knows about it.
- Neil Diamond does? Oh, yeah.
And he was ready to sing.
I like that song "Sweet Caroline.
" He knows how it all comes together.
- He's a good guitar player as well.
- Yes, he is.
Titanic? - Yeah.
- No iceberg there.
Exactly.
You didn't run away.
- I was thinking about it.
- Sure.
But you thought there was a chance I might bring wine.
Exactly.
Thanks.
So you're leaving tomorrow.
Yeah.
- We should stay in touch.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Do you have an e-mail account? - Yes.
Isn't it the best? Are you gonna miss your American family? Yeah, yeah, I will.
They're great.
- You should stay in touch with them.
- I would love that.
They were just saying the same thing about you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll miss them.
Ally is lovely.
You know? And she smells so good.
Like lemons.
And babies.
Like they're fresh.
If things were different, you know, if the situation-- if I was here for longer, then maybe something It's hard to know, you know? Maybe-- the thing is I'm leaving, so it's probably for the best.
We're really relaxed around each other and I-- I think he's really funny and he's-- he's very cute.
He's very handsome.
But we're-- I mean, it's just-- it's nothing.
We're just hanging out and-- and taking things real slow.
Oh, wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Maybe we should have gotten some sleep.
Just like a half an hour or something.
- Feeling rough? - Yeah.
I feel rough as old dogs'.
I think Rick and Julie might have slipped something in my drink last night.
- Really? - Kinky buggers.
Bea slipped something in her own drink.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
So, uh, I'd better go fly this plane.
- Oh, you fly an airplane, too.
- I do.
I never mentioned I'm a commercial airline pilot? I always forget that.
You'd better go and get in your uniform.
It's casual Friday, so I'm gonna miss you.
Bea, they're getting off.
Tommy.
- Plane to catch.
- Yeah.
- Check in.
- Bye, Ally.
I really don't want you to go.
I don't wanna go.
When I found you, I found myself I was gonna love you like nobody else But I never really had a clue How to love a girl like you Two true believers We devised A temporary paradise Now our future is in the past I should have known It wouldn't last I should have been a better man You could have been a better friend I'm alone, but that's okay I guess the dice Just rolled that way.
Migraines are very painful particularly for me, because that means there'll be no hanky-panky tonight.
Your cousins are sick, man.
They got a jacuzzi.
This is pleasant.
- It's a she, right? - I haven't looked under the hood.
As dates go, it was pretty good.
Can't go anywhere, I'm leaving in a couple of weeks.
This is my great-great-grandmother.
That's Rebecca with her family, the Shmelffs.
That sounds very Jewish-y.
I love Jesus.
A tremendous Jew, Jesus.
Your great-uncle, Ezra Shmelff, was a film star-- Tumbleweed Tim.
Ah, living the dream.
- This is gorgeous.
- Isn't it? What is Tom doing with that genealogy crap? I know, but he likes all that shit, doesn't he? - I guess so.
- And we can just chill out.
- We can get a nice tan, go a bit brown.
- Oh, you're going red.
- I'm not-- yes.
- That's rouge.
I have to go red and peel before I go brown.
- It's a genetic thing.
- What factor have you got on there? Hell-- hello.
Excuse me.
Can I just say that is a very eloquent bikini? Have you got the time? Because by my watch, I make it feeding time at the you.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Back at home I work in a zoo.
So I'll do it again.
Have you got the time? Because by my watch, it's feeding time at the you.
I hate to watch you go.
But I love to look at that.
Oh, you can't talk to women like that.
It's something lost in translation.
- She was a slut anyway.
- Exactly.
- No, that's not relevant.
- She led me on! She led me on! - How long have you worked here, Ally? - Three years.
Do you find that being around the books - makes you more clever? - No, actually.
I feel like all the ideas have been written already.
These are audiobooks.
Good for you.
- CDs are the future.
- Picture books.
You know, I just read this great novel.
It's like a romance thing, I suppose.
It's about this-- it's like a love triangle between this girl and this guy, but she likes this other guy.
So it never really works out.
Oh, and one of them is a vampire and the other one's a wolf.
Um, it's hard.
- It's "Twilight," yeah.
- "Twilight," yeah.
- Yeah.
- You've heard of it? - Yes.
- Yeah.
It's really good.
So, we have the largest section of Native American books in the city.
- Oh.
- It's our claim to fame here.
I don't need to read the book; I've lived the life.
Let me ask you this: do you have any interest in seeing some memorabilia from a Jewish cowboy in the '20s? Yes.
- That was quick.
- I love Jews, I love cowboys.
Well, you are in for a treat because I have to meet my cousin Melvin Schmelff.
- He's got a bunch of-- - Schmelff? That's right.
I'd love you to tag along.
I would really love that.
I'm supposed to get off in, like, an hour.
But it's really slow, so I can-- - What if I buy a book? - Okay.
- I can fill your quota.
- Yeah.
Yeah, actually-- I'll buy anything.
Don't really have a-- I'll take that.
Oh, shoot.
You know what, that's good - because I've only got the audiobook of this.
- Oh.
She has such lovely hair.
I'll take that for my friend Pete.
- He's into pictures.
- Right.
- Can we eat? I'm starving.
- Yes.
- Do you reckon they do kebabs? - I want a lager.
But I just wanna go and try some clothes on first.
- Is that all right? Do you mind? - Yeah.
I'm not clothes shopping.
Excuse me.
Do I have to book to eat here or is it-- Oh, no, no.
Sit anywhere you like.
- Great.
Can I sit there? - Yep.
- What about in the shade? - Yeah, yeah.
- Or inside? - Yeah, anywhere.
Well, what about the one right at the end? - What are you doing? - Anywhere? - I can sit anywhere? - Yeah.
Brilliant.
Do you do doner kebabs? I don't think so.
Do you do scampi and chips? We have a menu.
I'll just show that to you.
Do you do steak and ale pie with mash? - Well, I have a menu.
- But you serve tea, right? Proper builder's tea.
Do you do ham and cheese toasties? I love ham and I love cheese.
Chips, right? He's gone.
I don't know where to sit now.
I hate clothes shopping.
Ooh, and look at these hats.
Do you reckon I could pull off that hat? Is that a euphemism? Coming.
Hi, I'm Tom.
This is my good friend Ally.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Come on in.
- Thank you, Mr.
Schmelff.
- Relax a little bit.
Awfully sorry my wife can't be here.
She's with her mom and she came home from surgery.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
She had a tummy tuck, an eye job, and a butt reduction.
She's okay.
- And here we are.
- Oh, look at this.
- Wow! - That's him.
Tumbleweed Tim.
I can see the resemblance.
- You see something there? - Yeah.
That's his great-great-uncle and that is my grandfather.
- Wow.
Handsome.
- He looks so manly.
Well, he was very thoughtful.
- Oh.
- He was a very pensive cowboy.
He's got his gun, he's got his chaps, and he's staring out over at his things.
- Oh.
- I'd love to show you them.
- It's the hat.
- Yeah, that's the hat.
- Yeah? It's good.
- Now that's hot.
- You were cute before, but this is - Right? - I'm joining the family.
- Be very careful, if you don't mind.
You can wear the gloves.
Be very gentle.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Look at these.
- These are spurs.
- Made specially.
- And what's the squiggles? The little squiggles is Hebrew and it says "Mazel tov.
" - Mazel tov.
- You know what that means? - Good luck.
- Good luck.
Well, that makes sense.
- Good luck to you.
- Did he wear these in the films? - He never wore them in movies.
- Why is that? Well, you know, it was the '20s and you couldn't really be a Jewish cowboy.
But he wasn't ashamed of being Jewish.
He did wear them at home all the time.
Oh, his wife-- that was a big bone of contention.
Can we put them back? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
These were the boots that he wore in every-- - yes, we'll put the-- - I'm good.
You know what, I've got such a big cranium.
It's not a bad thing to put it down.
- I'll put it down.
Why not? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
These are the boots that he wore basically in every movie.
- Wow.
- And they're quite amazing.
There's a little of an odor in there.
Jesus Christ.
But smell.
Get a whiff.
- Whew.
- Prepare.
- Wow.
- Oh, God.
I'm gonna try it once.
Oh, my God! It's worse than I remember.
They smell like 50 years of work.
That was 50 years-- well, it would have been 50 years of work.
He was the best riding cowboy in the business.
He was one of the few Western stars who could do a horseback ride and a shoot-out at the same time.
It was very, very difficult.
He was galloping and galloping and galloping and shooting and shooting and shooting.
He survived the horse riding and shooting, but he couldn't survive the scandal.
- What scandal? - I'll tell you about it.
See this name? Madge Dubois.
Oh, my God, she was gorgeous.
She was so beautiful.
I think she was in three of his pictures.
Oh, he was so devoted to Madge Dubois.
He got into a love scandal.
Wow.
It was actually a love triangle.
Really more of a quadrangle.
It was Tumbleweed Tim, an unidentified party, Sagebrush Sam, also known as Backdoor Billy.
- Oh, is it - We won't go into that.
- Yeah.
- She's discovered dead - in the alley.
- No.
She's been poisoned, strangled, suffocated, and shot, and they can't figure out how she died.
- It was probably one of those things.
- It may have been.
- But they never pinned it on anybody.
- Right.
- Tumbleweed was innocent.
- Do you know that? Let's just say he didn't do it and move on.
- Nobody was blamed for it.
- The scandal killed him.
Yes, the scandal killed him.
And that's it.
Kaput.
So he never made it to the talkies.
Well, he-- actually, he did a screen test for a television series in the '50s called "Saloon.
" Wait a minute here.
I'm gonna pull it up for you.
Let me tell you something, Mr.
Big Shot, if you're not out of this town by the last stage, I will personally organize a necktie party for you myself.
Such a shame that scandal stopped him having a career in the talkies.
You think I'm bluffing? Oh, look who's being Think we can turn it off now? - Yes.
- You're gonna be in Boot Hill so fast, your head will be spinning.
- How much did you tip that guy? - $6.
- He looked really annoyed.
- I gave him $6.
You're supposed to tip 15% here.
If anything, I overtipped him.
- Yeah, right.
- Yes, I gave him a little brown one and the little silver one.
- That's like 5p.
- I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
Where's Monkey? Have you got Monkey? No.
Why would I have Monkey? - Where's Monkey? - I've no idea where Monkey-- - Where's Monkey? - Oh, God, I thought we were having fun.
- Monk? - Excuse me.
Have you seen a monkey puppet? Do you remember I was here with my friend and she had a little hand puppet? - 6 cents? - I don't-- no, I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
- He's not in there.
- No.
He's not in here.
- Of course he is.
- He's not.
I asked the bloke.
- He said he's not in here.
- You haven't looked properly.
- How is it my fault? - Bloody idiot! Where is he?! This little chunk of what you see here - went on for miles and miles and miles.
- Really? And this is where my grandfather worked.
This is Cottonwood Studios.
And there's a placard right there.
They made-- I think 233 Westerns were filmed here.
And, you know, it says-- look, "King of the Prairie" was here.
That was fantastic.
- And my grandfather-- - Tumbleweed Tim.
He was there.
He was in uh, "Bad Man Wind.
" I heard it was a fantastic movie.
And the fort is over there.
They had an entire fort.
They had like a PX and you could buy blankets.
It was fantastic.
- And over there-- - Wow.
that actual building, the low, gray building-- that was the office and they had a little script room and they wrote there.
And they still use that as a-- It's for migrant workers.
- Really? - Sorry.
Just one sec.
Hello? Oh, my God! Bea? You all right? - I can't feel my hand! - What? - What's going on? Has Pete touched someone? - No! Monkey's gone missing! Monk has gone-- okay, where are you? I'm in Venice Beach.
Okay, all right.
I'll be right there.
- Help.
- Okay, bye.
Guys, I'm really sorry.
- We need to go.
- Really? Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
- Is everything okay? - My sister has lost Monk.
She's lost her little fella.
- Oh, my God.
- Seriously? - Yeah, in Venice.
- Oh, my God.
Don't talk.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
Under Megan's Law, we can check for sex offenders in the area.
- I'll go call immediately.
- Yeah, um, the thing is Monk's a puppet.
- There she is.
- A puppet? He's just a little monkey puppet.
- Bea, he hasn't seen it.
- You can't miss him! - He must have come by here! - Bea, Bea, Bea.
- Tom.
- Okay.
All right, okay.
It's a living hell.
- I can't find him anywhere.
- I know.
- Where have you looked? - I've looked everywhere.
Okay, this is what we're gonna do.
I've got a great plan.
I love you and I'm here and I'm gonna help.
We're gonna go back to London and get you a lovely new puppet.
Okay.
No, sorry! No, no! - How can you say that? - Okay, we won't do that.
Why did you say that, Pete? You can't replace him! My hand is clamping up.
- My God! - Okay, well, we can't have that.
- Help me! - Yeah.
We're gonna find him.
We're gonna find him.
- Look for him! - We've been looking already.
Have you seen a little monkey puppet? No puppet? Have you seen a little toy monkey that talks? Excuse me, sir.
- Have you seen a little monkey puppet? - Mm-mm.
Have you seen a little puppet monkey? He's like a little puppet and he talks.
Monkey, try to tell me where you are.
Monkey? I don't know where I am.
Just try and see where you are, Monkey.
Tell me where you are.
I don't know.
This is a nightmare.
Have you seen a puppet? - There he is! - Oh, God! - Look! - Here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Thank God.
- This is my sister's puppet.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.
- And you're gonna donate it to us to make another child very happy.
- That's so sweet.
- No, that isn't-- that would be sweet, but that's not what's happening.
I think somebody must have thrown it into one of these cans, thinking it was garbage.
Gee whiz, I just got here.
Let me check the receipts.
- We take a receipt for everything that we have.
- Oh, sure.
Well, there won't be a receipt unless it was stolen by a charitable thief.
And lookit here.
There is a stuffed monkey - Shut up.
- to a Mr.
Creutz.
- So that's-- this is a charitable donation.
- Oh, you're a charity? I'll give you $30.
No, we cannot accept any money.
We're a not-for-profit, so it's a tax issue.
There's absolutely no tax issue involved.
You can receive all the money that you want as long as you give it back to the charity.
I'm a professional tax attorney and I know.
Here's the thing-- my sister is a 38-year-old woman who talks to a fucking monkey.
The underprivileged kids can get privileged.
She's beyond help.
I'm an underprivileged kid.
I never knew who my dad was.
Can I have it? I'm sorry you don't know who your dad is, but these are-- a lot of children are in need of these wonderful-- - It's a piece of polyester.
- Tom, stop shaking him! I'll give you $100 for it.
Listen, I'm not gonna take $100! You're really creeping me out, all right?! Now you and you and you and you and you can just get out of here! - All right.
- Leave the monk-- oh! You get the fuck back here, man! Aw, sh-- I can't leave the toys.
Follow me! Up here, up here.
- Thank you! - Oh, you're welcome.
- Thank you, Tom.
- Everything's all right.
Oh, my God.
That was such a horrible day.
- That was nuts.
- Oh, I'm sorry she's so weird.
Aw, it's all right.
No, thank you, 'cause-- I don't know.
She wouldn't have survived.
He's part of the family.
- That was really good.
- Hey, this is Ally.
- Hello.
- And Melvin.
- I'm so sorry.
- This is my sister Bea.
I'm embarrassed about my behavior.
- Is that the monkey? - This is Monk.
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- He's such a sweet monkey.
- So she really freaked out.
- He talks.
- Yes, I talk again.
Now I do.
Now that I found you.
- I should probably say something, shouldn't I? - Sure.
That'd be nice.
Ahem.
Welcome one and all to our happy home.
Kitty and I would like to welcome you.
To our many friends-- old friends and new friends-- family who've come a short distance and people who traveled from very far away, welcome.
We're just elated to have you here with us all.
Um, you work your whole life and suddenly you realize what do you have for it? You have a bunch of stuff.
There was even a bumper sticker years ago that said, "He who dies with the most toys wins.
" Well, I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack on top.
I would propose that he who dies with the most friends and family wins.
And I toast you now as a winner.
To family and friends.
Cheers.
Are we doing everybody? - Friends and family.
- Friends and family.
Thank you, Al.
That was beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you for the-- loved having you here.
Listen, what's the deal with football over here? You've got American football and you call football soccer.
No-- no.
We call football football.
That shouldn't be football 'cause you rarely use your foot.
There is a guy that actually-- You only use your foot for the conversions.
But the foot's in play at that point.
Yeah, but you throw it.
We don't touch the ball, so we should have football.
Yeah, okay, so then why is it better that you don't touch it? 'Cause you can't just pick a ball up and run with it.
That's rugby.
Why don't you call American football rugby? I'm just saying we invented football.
I call it-- what? - Is that Victoria? - Your great-aunt.
- I didn't know that you met.
- She came here to the States.
She was on some kind of a quest about her family tree.
- No.
- Oh.
When was that taken? A couple years ago.
That's-- don't you find it weird that she came so far close to the end of her life? - I wonder what she found out.
- Yeah.
And I wonder why she gave that box to you.
Coincidence? I'm not sure.
Did she leave you anything? No.
Maybe she just liked me.
I know the spotted pup song 'cause that was handed down from my grandfather.
I can't hear what you're saying.
- Spotted pop? - Spotted pup.
- A dog, you know? - Oh, right.
When they're small, we call them pups.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- I'd like to see you naked.
- Sorry about that.
I would, yeah.
I think you'd be disappointed.
Well, I wouldn't be there, obviously.
Just me and you.
I-- I don't think that's gonna happen.
- I'll be totally honest with you.
- Fine.
I've kind of made a commitment this evening to keep my clothes on - Okay.
- until I go into my camper - which is parked-- - That's a shame.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- But, uh - So, are you married? Um, I am married, yes.
- You are? - I am.
She here? No.
My wife is missing.
Oh.
Yeah, she's been missing for several years now.
- Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
You killed her? Well, I've been doing magic for years.
I wish I had my props here.
I usually have a little stool and a table.
Incidentally, how do you fit four gay men on one bar stool? - Turn it upside down.
- Ooh.
Now, pay-- pay attention over here.
All right, I like to keep a record of all the jobs I do, of course.
So I have a little diary, you see? - Fancy.
- Yeah, of course.
But at the end of the month I look, and what have I been doing? - I've been doodling.
- Oh, no! For heaven's sakes.
Who's gonna believe that? So I can't find any of the records of the jobs I did.
- Oh, shit.
- I look again, - and it's even worse because now it's-- Hey! You're a witch.
Tom, I think you should have one of these.
Not so much for the doodle part.
You can fill in where you've been in the States, if you've met anyone interesting, any unusual incidents.
- Hi.
- Is that-- - Michael.
- Speak of the devil.
- Kim, come on in.
- Magical Mike.
What are you doing in here, Mike? Just visiting with friends from over the pond.
- This is Pete.
- Hello.
This is my partner Kim.
- Hello.
- Kim? - This is Tom.
- Tom, hello.
- Hey.
- And this is lovely Ally.
- Hi.
- Oh, lovely indeed.
Hi, Ally.
- Kim, sit, sit.
- Can I join the party? I was afraid you wouldn't make it again.
- Another no-show.
- No, no, no.
I show.
This is your better half-- Kim? Indeed he is, yeah.
Say, what does a gay man have in common with an ambulance? - What? - They're both rear loaded and they go, "Whoo, whoo!" Who told us that? Was that Clark? Sweetie, could you get me some more containers for the leftovers? Yeah.
- Is that my mother's glass? - Yeah.
Let me see if I can find someone to help me in the kitchen, not work against me.
Don't blame and leave.
I am a terrible cook, but-- - You are? - Yeah.
But I'm a great eater.
If that's-- That's great.
This will work out well.
Oh, I know this show.
Oh, yes.
I love this show.
Is this what you desire I watch this with my mom.
my lord? It's lit so beautifully.
Mm, it's really well written, too.
Tommy, we're going old-school raving.
Back to '92, Caesar's Palace.
Not drugs, just booze.
- Up for it? Fancy it? - Um, no.
Everything you just said sounds terrible.
So I think I'm all set.
I was at a rave this morning.
- You wanna-- - No.
You sure? You sure? I'm gonna kick it-- this town's back doors in.
Are you going dressed like that? - Of course I am.
- I think we'll stay here.
We're all right.
Are you guys going? - Yeah.
- All right, you crazy kids.
- Have a good one, guys.
- All right, have fun.
- Are you going, Bea? - I'm off to bed.
See you soon.
- Okay.
- We're emotional.
- 'Night.
- Nighty-night.
Tommy, Tommy, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Oh.
- No, I'm jok-- I would.
Tom, could you give me a hand in the kitchen? My genius wife just broke a glass.
There's a broom in the hall closet.
Yeah, of course.
Okay, I'm just gonna go cleaning.
- I'll be back in a minute.
- Okay.
Wow.
Oh.
I see you've found my special room.
Hey.
Yeah.
This is great.
I mean, this is very similar to what I used to do at work.
And the detail is so good.
Do you know what you're looking at here? Uh, no.
This is Dealey Plaza where JFK was shot in 1963.
- Exact replica.
- Oh.
Wow.
Yeah.
Grassy knoll, book depository.
With this model I was able to prove that not only did Oswald not act alone, but I proved how they were able to cover their tracks with all the evidence they left behind.
The grassy knoll and the book depository-- they moved it in the middle of the night.
Cut it into pieces, took it all down, moved it to Area 51.
- They moved the grassy knoll? - Oh, yeah, to Area 51.
It's sitting there right now.
I have friends who've seen it.
Too much evidence in there.
They couldn't let it sit.
Is that the moon? That's the moon, all right, where the supposed lunar landing took place in 1969.
The supposed lunar landing? Do you really think we had the technology in 1969 to get men on the moon and bring them home? - Kinda.
- 238,000 miles average-- 221 at perigee, 252 at apogee.
- I do.
- A moving target.
You think they landed on the moon? - Yeah.
- No, they were orbiting around the Earth while they did this all on a soundstage.
Where? Area 51.
Uh-huh.
Behind the grassy knoll, probably.
You ever see the footage of the men on the moon? - Yeah.
- There's an American flag blowing in the wind.
Oh, wait, there's no wind on the moon 'cause there's no atmosphere.
There should be a crater under the LEM.
There's no crater.
There should be a little crater for when they're landing.
What about the star field behind them? There's no stars in the background.
Why? They're in a soundstage.
It didn't happen? We got taken for a ride is what happened.
- Is that a city on the moon? - Well, that's on the dark side of the moon.
There are people there.
They've been there for thousands of years.
- Of course.
- There's a whole alien race living there.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
That's a good album.
Oh, my hero.
Neil Diamond.
Great singer and a man who knows it all.
That's why they wanted to shut him up.
Look at this.
Neil Diamond: concert cancelled.
Throat problem.
"Neil Diamond Concert Cancelled.
- Singing Legend Cites Throat Problem.
" - Yeah.
Couldn't talk or they didn't want him to talk? - Probably couldn't talk.
- Oh, no, they didn't want him to talk.
- Right.
- He knows where all the bodies are buried, about the New World Order, enslavement of the masses, health care for all.
- He knows about it.
- Neil Diamond does? Oh, yeah.
And he was ready to sing.
I like that song "Sweet Caroline.
" He knows how it all comes together.
- He's a good guitar player as well.
- Yes, he is.
Titanic? - Yeah.
- No iceberg there.
Exactly.
You didn't run away.
- I was thinking about it.
- Sure.
But you thought there was a chance I might bring wine.
Exactly.
Thanks.
So you're leaving tomorrow.
Yeah.
- We should stay in touch.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Do you have an e-mail account? - Yes.
Isn't it the best? Are you gonna miss your American family? Yeah, yeah, I will.
They're great.
- You should stay in touch with them.
- I would love that.
They were just saying the same thing about you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll miss them.
Ally is lovely.
You know? And she smells so good.
Like lemons.
And babies.
Like they're fresh.
If things were different, you know, if the situation-- if I was here for longer, then maybe something It's hard to know, you know? Maybe-- the thing is I'm leaving, so it's probably for the best.
We're really relaxed around each other and I-- I think he's really funny and he's-- he's very cute.
He's very handsome.
But we're-- I mean, it's just-- it's nothing.
We're just hanging out and-- and taking things real slow.
Oh, wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Maybe we should have gotten some sleep.
Just like a half an hour or something.
- Feeling rough? - Yeah.
I feel rough as old dogs'.
I think Rick and Julie might have slipped something in my drink last night.
- Really? - Kinky buggers.
Bea slipped something in her own drink.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
So, uh, I'd better go fly this plane.
- Oh, you fly an airplane, too.
- I do.
I never mentioned I'm a commercial airline pilot? I always forget that.
You'd better go and get in your uniform.
It's casual Friday, so I'm gonna miss you.
Bea, they're getting off.
Tommy.
- Plane to catch.
- Yeah.
- Check in.
- Bye, Ally.
I really don't want you to go.
I don't wanna go.
When I found you, I found myself I was gonna love you like nobody else But I never really had a clue How to love a girl like you Two true believers We devised A temporary paradise Now our future is in the past I should have known It wouldn't last I should have been a better man You could have been a better friend I'm alone, but that's okay I guess the dice Just rolled that way.