Farzar (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[announcer] Coming to Farzar,
The Cluckinator!
The irresistible spicy chicken sandwich
that's caused riots, wars, and genocide!
Each patty is made by squashing
10,000 baby chicks together.
And because everything tastes better
when it dies happy,
we throw them a party first.
Man, I want to get me some of that.
I want to chap my lips raw
on that battered meat.
Oh my goodness, the lingerie is working!
I want to double fist
that hot, juicy morsel.
I want to bury my face
between those buns and go to town.
[babbles]
I want to stick a hot dog in that thing,
twist it around, pull it out,
and lick off the stanky grease.
You have the words of a poet.
Take me, Renzo!
[muffled speech]
Oh! Well, as much as I would love to sweep
the cobwebs out of your spider hole,
we can't, because
we have to go to church!
We'll do it after church then.
I just need to stay away from the candles
so I don't start
another stanky grease fire. [chuckles]
Ooh, that was close.
From now on, I'm gonna be more careful
with what I say about commercials.
Introducing the new Mercedes-Benz S-class.
Oh, look at that hard metal body!
I wanna get inside you!
I want to ride you
till your goddamn bottom falls out.
It's not how I planned to spend my Sunday,
but you do have the words of a poet.
[whirring]
[adventure music playing]
Farzar ♪
[organ music plays]
You're not supposed to eat that.
Why is it on a damn plate then?
- [farts]
- [coins clinking]
Uh-oh, Flobby. I got dime-arrhea.
That was a pretty good diarrhea joke.
[upbeat music plays]
Welcome, brothers and sisters! Ha!
It's so wonderful
to see you all in church.
- Nobody really wants to be here! ♪
- Be here! ♪
Praise our Lord, Ozner,
the all powerful! Ha!
He's completely made up, you idiots ♪
Praise Ozner!
Oh!
Oh, stanky grease! Ah!
Uh, brothers and sisters,
Ozner spoke to me last night,
and he has a holy message
for his children.
No more fucking.
No more fucking?
That doesn't sound very godlike.
I'm paraphrasing.
He actually said, "No human
may layeth down with another human,
for fucking."
And sadly, that includes me
and my smoking hot wife.
Ugh! Every fucking Sunday!
I know it's a sacrifice,
but Ozner has spoken.
No humping, no pumping,
no dookie chest-dumping!
What are we supposed to do
if we can't have sex?
The all-seeing Ozner, bless his name,
anticipated this problem
and told me to tell you all
to wait in those long-ass lines
for the Cluckinator
irresistible spicy chicken sandwich,
bring them back here, and feed them to me.
I was like, "Why, Ozner?"
And he was like, "No licking, no sticking,
just eat that damn chicken."
And I was like,
"Oh man, did you just come up with that?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
How long is this sex ban going to last?
That is up to Ozner.
Might be a day, might be a week.
Might be six to eight months.
But I urge you all to stay calm.
[screaming]
It's been 20 seconds!
I've gotta fuck something!
- So horny! So horny!
- [grunting]
You're not human.
We can have sex with you. We'll pay!
That cash does look delicious,
but no can do you.
If an Intellectoid orgasms,
we explode and die.
Basically, if we-–
Come, we go!
Flobby, if you keep stealing my jokes,
I'm gonna jack you off to death!
This Cluckinator line
is taking way too long.
How about instead we go for some In-N-Out.
Uh, I'd rather have Five Guys.
I'm talking about sex, Mal.
So am I.
Where the hell did they come from?
This is a cartoon, asshole.
Just roll with it.
Fichael, having sex would be a sin!
You heard the word of Ozner.
Got to admit, it's a little convenient
that all the things Ozner decrees
benefit my dad.
[gasps] That is blasphemy!
[beeping]
Ooh, can you hold our place in line?
Ozner commands that it's time for every
woman in town with at least a B-cup
to jump rope topless
outside your dad's window.
This is wrong on so many levels, yeah! ♪
I'm starving, man. I wish we could
cash in on all these horny humans.
Hmm, if only we knew
another non-human that could
Bust a load, but not explode!
Goddamn it, Flobby, I warned you!
[groans]
Hold on, what's that?
Billy wonder what wacky C story
he going to be in this episode.
Hey, you ain't human.
Can we be your pimps?
Here we go.
Billy have to ask father if okay.
Can Billy have wacky C story
where he become whore?
I can't answer you now.
I'm concentrating on standing in line.
So it okay that strange men
sell Billy's body for sex making, Daddy?
Do whatever you want.
I can't parent you and stand in line
for a chicken sandwich at the same time!
If I start thinking about your welfare,
I'll lose focus,
and next thing I know, I'll
Goddamn it!
Where the hell am I?
Okay, microdosing chaos is the only way
to keep my demons at bay.
The old bucket of water over the door.
A small, 100% totally harmless prank.
[groaning]
[farts]
Oopsies.
[gasps, coughs]
You put me in a bag of rice?
How'd you know this would save my life?
I didn't. I was trying to hide the body.
That's it. You need to replace
your chaos addiction with something safer,
like a drug addiction.
Now, someone my size
does a whole Snuffle Snart.
Because you're a little guy
[Zobo sniffs]
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
[grunting]
[laughs maniacally]
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
[groans]
This shit is even better than chaos!
You got another Snart?
Sorry, that was my last one.
You think I'm fucking around?
I'm all out of rice, motherfucker.
[ominous music plays]
Hmm. Whose lunch am I gonna steal today?
Ooh, this must be Clitaris's.
Ugh, I hate egg salad,
but I've got to show my dominance!
What are you doing?
Eating your fucking lunch!
Question. If your wife
put your lunch in this bag,
what is she wearing on her head
to keep the dogs from vomiting?
That's not my lunch.
[chokes] Oh shit! Harold!
I'm eating a psycho serial killer's lunch.
[groans] The oatmeal raisin cookie
should have tipped me off.
Are, uh, you eating my lunch?
What? No. Clitaris is eating it.
He makes me chew it for him,
like a baby bird!
Hey, it's no big deal.
Don't worry about it.
Accidents happen.
Oh shit, he's gonna kill me!
Relax. He said, "Accidents happen."
No, he didn't
fucking say, "Accidents happen."
He said, "Accidents happen!"
Big fucking diff!
We got a real problem!
No, I have a real problem.
How dare you make me eat kibble
out of a dog bowl?
I am a scientist, damn it!
Who the hell are you?
You dare narrow your gaze at me?
I command you to submit
and let me smell your asshole at once!
Zobo, you little pink shit!
My dealer said you bought
every last Snuffle Snart on the planet.
Hold on, I'm doing a line.
Now, do it!
[sniffs deeply]
Fuck, yeah!
Great, now they're extinct.
Why'd I give you a taste of the good shit?
You ruined my life!
Now, how am I supposed to ruin my life?
[whistling]
Hands off my last Snart,
you waste of rice!
He's going up my nose!
I'll kick your adorable ass!
Wait, wait, wait! If you let me live,
I'll take you to the hidden Snart village.
- What now?
- Yeah! We're not extinct.
There are thousands of Snarts
living there.
Thousands?
I'm so happy, I could cry!
[groaning]
[farts]
[laughs]
Looks like he just had Best Buy-arrhea.
That was a pretty good diarrhea joke.
And the award
for best diarrhea joke goes to
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!
You're never gonna make it
as a stand-up comedian.
Oh yeah, Dad? Well
[screams]
Okay, that was pretty smart.
[organ music plays]
Bless you. Praise Ozner!
The power of spice compels me.
Hallelujah, me tummy!
Oh, no thanks, Fichael, I'm full.
Mm.
I stood in line nine hours for that!
And Ozner thanks you.
In fact, he has chosen you
for the holiest of tasks.
He wants me to give you a dutch oven.
Now, get up under the Shroud of Tootin',
and eat God's farts!
[groans, farts]
I'm getting sick
of doing this every Sunday.
How does Ozner talk to you exactly anyway?
I simply visit him in his inner sanctum.
You mean the janitor's closet?
I'm starting to think
Ozner isn't even real.
Yeah!
- He's right!
- The fart eater has a point.
Fine! I'll prove it.
I asked Ozner if he's real,
and he said, "Yes."
Praise Ozner!
- I knew it!
- Kill the fart eater!
Don't you see what's going on here?
My dad is the only person
who ever sees Ozner,
all the rules benefit him,
and come on,
"Ozner" is just Renzo spelled backwards!
You think I'm so lazy that I'd make up
a name by just flipping letters?
That would be like changing
the first letter of Michael
to make it sound futuristic, Fichael.
If Ozner wants us to believe in him,
then tell him to show himself!
Okay, I'll ask,
but he's very shy.
I am your all-powerful God, Ozner!
Uh, you honestly think
anybody's gonna buy this?
Praise Ozner!
Well, if you're all-powerful,
then this won't hurt you.
[grunts]
Fichael, no!
Relax. It's my dad with a mop on his head.
Still a weird thing to do
to own dad, yeah?
Not as weird as this!
Let's see who's the fart eater now, huh?
Ah!
Get in there and eat that fart!
[toots]
- What the hell are you doing to God?
- Whoops.
[gasps]
You dare provoke the mighty Ozner?
After I blessed with you no licking,
no sticking, and all that damn chicken,
this is how your son treats me?
Ozner, please, have mercy.
Silence!
Ten years of plagues upon you all!
Great job, Fichael!
Well, he seemed fake. I wonder
what the first plague is gonna be.
I don't know.
Okay, Snart, time to lead us
to your hidden Snart village.
I must warn you that the journey
to the village will be perilous.
We must traverse jungles
caves
[screaming]
frozen wastelands.
Hey, guys! It's Barry from work.
[Snart] And beyond!
Okay, this one isn't so bad.
I don't know why we need a SodaStream.
Do we really spend that much on La Croix?
It's about convenience.
We can make our own soda at home.
But you have to use their syrups.
I'll bet they don't even have blackberry
cucumber. But you know who does?
La Croix?
Fucking La Croix.
Shit, it's the guys from the cave.
I gotta go chase them.
Oh, come on.
You're really gonna go do work stuff now?
Well, fuck me
for trying to put food on the table!
Food on the table! Pah!
You've never actually
caught anyone, Arachnis!
Oh, I should have married Andy Billman.
I hear he's a lawyer now!
I can't do this right now, Carol!
Carol, is that you?
Andy Billman?
Been a long time.
You look good. SodaStream, huh?
- Oh, Andy.
- Carol!
Oh, Andy!
I found three more vaginas.
And I found four Peters,
three twats, and a cloaca!
That's a cooter and a pooter all in one!
We gonna get extra for that.
This is some wacky C story!
We should auction off his parts
so we get more buck for our bang.
Good idea. We'd better clean him up first.
Jackpot! Found two more dicks!
And I found another pussy.
Uh-huh, that's right.
I'm in both shows now.
Let's say I got froze or some shit.
God ribbit, Fichael!
You had to provoke Ozner
and bring those plagues upon us.
I'm craving flies like a motherfucker.
You know every fly was just sitting
on some shit. I'm basically eating shit!
We all are. This is a Panera.
And look outside. It's raining lions!
And chainsaws.
Plus all the floors are covered in mouths.
I'm gonna eat your feet!
Hey, guys! It's Barry from work.
Look at him out there,
plotting all the ways he's gonna kill me.
Oh shit, he saw us!
We can't get any work done like this.
Why don't you just fire Harold?
If you fire a regular white guy,
he kills everybody.
What the hell
do you think Harold's gonna do?
No, no, I have an actually good idea.
We abandon this whole
take over the human city thing,
leave the lair forever,
then find something equally meaningful
to do with the rest of our lives.
Here you go.
Enjoy your Tuscan Turkey BazaWrap.
We got a tip, boys!
He'll be tipping round the tip jar
When he tips ♪
He'll be tipping round the tip jar
When he tips ♪
Yes, he tips! He'll be ♪
Wait a minute.
A quarter? This is not a tip.
This is a "fuck you!"
I'm glad I came in your sandwich!
Next.
Don't worry, I only come
in every other sandwich.
It's an OCD thing.
[ominous music plays]
I'll never get to the front of the line.
There's nothing people want more
than this chicken sandwich.
Hey, everyone!
They're auctioning off the chance
to fuck a freakish mutant
with the mind of a child.
- Come on!
- Yes!
Thanks for angering God, Fichael.
What are you mad about? You don't seem
to be affected by any plagues.
Then explain why our hoo-ha
now sings opera?
[singing in Italian]
That sounds great to me. My mom's
sounds like a waterlogged accordion.
There's the heretic. Get him!
Oh no. Don't kill me!
[suspenseful music plays]
Come with me, ribbit,
if you want to, ribbit, live!
Thanks, Dad. You think I'll be safe
from the angry mob up here?
From the mob? Yes.
Please, Ozner, remove these,
ribbit, accursed plagues.
I brought you a sacrifice.
The one who angered you.
[in Kermit's voice]
Mr. Prince Fichael, yay!
Ribbit!
Here we are.
I will now reveal the hidden entrance
to the secret Snart village.
Ooh, watch this!
He's gonna do some magic shit.
I guess you're not coming in.
More Snarts for me! Yay.
Oh, I'm coming in!
[screaming] Oh God, this shit hurts!
This shit hurts!
[magical music plays]
Oh my God, it's beautiful!
We're about to get high as fuck!
[both] Hey!
What the hell?
Oh shit!
[laughs]
You both walked right into my trap.
King Snart, you've returned
from your mission.
You bastard. How dare you betray us
before we could betray you?
Everyone, we just captured
the two murderers
who have killed thousands of our kind!
For your atrocities
against Snuffle Snarts,
I sentence you both to
death!
What are we going to do?
I don't know. I keep trying to call
my lawyer, but he's not picking up.
- Carol! Carol!
- Oh, Andy!
This is what you do when I'm at work?
Oh my. Well, you caught me.
Congratulations on finally
catching someone!
That's low, Carol. That's fucking low.
The Schwater-rama has tahini sauce.
That's tzatziki sauce!
Why can't you tell the difference?
I'm color-blind, you purple fuck!
Welcome to BazaWra [screams]
Harold, you found me!
Why did I let you talk me
into all those bus shelter ads?
Wait, are you doing all this because
of the whole eating my lunch thing?
Well, yes, that,
and because I stayed up all night doing
cocaine and writing snappy tip songs.
Please don't kill me!
Bazarack, I'm a serial killer.
I don't kill for revenge.
I kill to quiet the screaming in my head.
I feel so silly. Everyone!
We're going home!
Chet, you're fired.
What? Fired?
I'll kill all you motherfuckers!
What did I tell you about white guys?
Harold!
[wailing] No!
I loved you.
Welcome, everybody!
Today, and today only,
we are auctioning off
animal parts for you to fuck
so you don't piss off God.
First item up for bid,
and we're starting big,
is a genuine whale pussy!
We'll start the bidding at $10.
I'm at $10, not 20. Need 30
for the whale pussy. Somebody give me 30?
I got 40 for the whale pussy.
Fat, juicy whale pussy!
Stop the auction. This is madness!
And a stupid C story.
Billy only here
because you not care about Billy.
Barry can kiss Billy's ass!
Not unless he bids!
I'm sorry I blew you off, son.
Next time I have to choose
between parenting
and standing in line for chicken,
I will choose you.
No one's having sex
with any of my son's pussies today!
But that's the only reason we're here!
Well, why would you have sex with that
when you can have sex with this?
- [dance music plays]
- [crowd cheers]
I made a few genetic modifications.
I already sold the recipe.
[announcer]
Introducing the Cluckinator Fuckinator!
The only spicy chicken sandwich
you can fuck!
Coming soon to Carl's Jr.
[ominous music plays]
Fichael, son of Renzo,
prepare to feel my wrath!
Wait!
Instead of killing me,
why don't you use your powers for good?
Oh.
Well, I never thought about that.
You know what?
On the count of three,
there will be no more cancer.
One, two, thr
Ribbit, ribbit, motherfucker!
Looks like there's a frog in your throat!
[mystical music plays]
[birds chirping]
Oh.
That was your plan the whole time!
To use me as bait so you could kill God.
Oh, hey, Fichael.
I didn't realize you were still alive.
[uneasy music plays]
Uh, hi, I'm Public Defender Snart.
I found some case law
that should help us get a stay of exec
- Worth it.
- Let the execution begin!
Oh, all of our execution gear
is destroyed.
And we still have so many criminal Snarts
on death row.
You do? Well, maybe we can make a deal.
Let us go, and I'll only snort
the criminals you would execute anyway.
That may actually work.
We do have a lot of pedophiles!
You can sleep in my sleeping bag
because you don't have one.
I have one right here.
[both sniffing]
Everyone, Ozner is dead.
We don't have to worry
about following his silly rules anymore.
Ooh, for the first time, I feel freed
from the shackles of religion!
I want to celebrate with hours
of the craziest sex imaginable!
I know a guy.
Tell me I'm good at my job!
- What does that mean?
- Just do it! I'm close!
And the award for best
human-on-spider sex scene goes to
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!
This is the best sex I've ever [screams]
What? I gotta watch this show.
[adventurous music playing]