Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[clapping]
- Meegan and Chaad Bishop
were lost at sea.
- You must learn
how to protect yourself.
With one of these.
It's a "comes back stick."
- Chaad, where are you?
- We need to work together
to stay alive.
Oh, my God, civilization.
- Banish Susan.
- No, I--
all: Yeah!
- Mom, Dad, we're alive.
- I can't stand
Meegan and Chaad.
- I'm going to pretend
to be gay.
The gay clique is
the most powerful crew
at my new school.
- You're dad isn't dead.
He moved down to Boca Raton.
- What?
- What happened to Evanessa?
- She's in a coma.
- Senior prom,
it's the ultimate
popularity contest,
and tomorrow,
I'll be crowned its queen.
Is it because I deserve it?
[scoffs]
Absolutely not.
It's because I've taken down
erybody who got in my way.
But what good is that
if I can't share every little
backstabbing detail
with someone?
[soft dramatic music]
Which is why
you're the only person
that I can trust
'cause you're in a coma.
[laughing evilly]
[machine beeping]
Looks like my secrets are safe
with you forever,
friend.
Muah.
♪
Looks like I'm your only friend.
♪
[ominous music]
♪
[funky electronic music]
♪
- I just got a brand-new car.
No more driving around in
that gupping 2015 model anymore.
- I'll take those.
- Hey, those keys are mine!
- Sorry, Parks.
- No!
- [fake cries]
Oh, I have your keys.
[laughing]
- Not so fast.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Chaad?
[chuckling]
What's up with that outfit, bro?
- [speaking gravely]
I'm not Chaad.
I'm the Boom.
- Okay, crazy,
'cause you look just like Chaad.
Okay, you're the Boom.
♪
- I believe these belong to you.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
- [chanting]
Boom.
[all chanting]
- They love you, Boom.
How can I ever thank you?
Oh, right, cash.
♪
- If a wealthy person
is ever in trouble,
if a private security team
isn't available,
I'll be there.
I am
the Boom.
♪
- Probably calls himself the
Boom because of the boomerang.
all: Oh.
- I get it.
[machine beeping]
- I have something to tell you.
You may want
to brace yourself for this.
I'm not gay.
[scoffs]
I've just been pretending
for the popularity.
God, it feels so good to say it.
You know, it's almost
as good as sleeping with a girl.
Thanks, Ev.
You know, I know my secret is
safe with you.
[soft dramatic music]
Are--are we vibing right now?
[techno music]
♪
Bea, Parks,
what's your prom sitch?
Gonna wear dresses?
Something short and sheer?
Strapless, lots of cleave?
Maybe some accidental nip?
- Ew, go take a cold shower.
It's, like, all you gays can
think about is women's apparel.
- Braff, breeders,
I'm gaga.
Not Lady, just excited
that "Prommer's" will be
documenting our prom tomorrow.
- We're all gonna be so famous.
Likehot, missing,
presumed murdered girl famous.
- What's "Promers?"
- What?
Oh, it's only, like,
the most popular
reality series ever.
Look, it's basically
"Best Chef,"
but instead of chefs,
it's proms,
and instead of best,
it's bestest.
- Yeah, it's actually more like,
"Beat the Swede,"
only, instead of of figuring out
which bloke is Swedish,
and repeatedly punching him
in the sack,
it's just a crew of cameras
coming to your prom
and filming it.
- Exactly,
but it's even more like
how you're a boring lawyer,
only, instead of everything
about that,
it's about a TV crew
that picks a high school
to film their prom and then
everyone in America watches.
- Huh.
So it's like
"America's Best Daddies"?
together: Exactly.
- And if you're prom queen
on "Promers,"
you're, like,
America's prom queen.
- Did you say,
"America's prom queen"?
That's a lot better
than regular prom queen, right?
- Yeah.
- I need to get on "Promers"
and win.
- Yeah, well,
it's too bad you can't
run a dirty campaign
and get elected this time.
Huh, Meegs?
- Maybe I can, Braff.
Maybe. I. Can. Braff.
[dramatic music]
[soft dramatic music]
[machine beeping]
- Hey, Evanessa.
I'm only telling you
this secret.
I'm the Boom.
And when I put the costume on,
I'm not just
some super rich, rad guy
who eats cheese pizza
upside down,
so the cheese flavor
hits my tongue easier.
I'm a superhero
with the power of a boomerang.
And I also think I look
pretty dope in a hoodie.
But the Boom ain't afraid
of nothing
except boats.
I swore I'd never go
on a boat again
after the accident,
but you can't tell anyone.
No one can know
the Boom's greatest weakness.
Boats.
♪
[sighs]
Thank you for not laughing
or smiling
or judging me or breathing much.
I know my secret's safe
with you.
Boats.
- Chaad, where are you?
[exhales sharply]
Where the gup have you been,
Chaad?
"Promers" is coming
to film our prom
and if we're voted
prom king and queen--
- [speaking gravely]
Not now!
♪
- You're the Boom?
This is popularity suicide.
No, it's worse.
It's popularity murder-suicide
because you're taking me down
with you.
How are we supposed to be voted
prom king and queen
if you look like the hottest
member of 5 Seconds of Summer?
Huh, Chaad?
- Chaad is gone.
I am the Boom.
[dramatic music]
You better not have
used my eyeliner.
[soft piano music]
♪
- [sighs]
You.
Good, you know how to point
at your chest.
Come here.
♪
I'm sure you have a name
or whatever,
but I'll never remember it.
Actually, that's perfect.
I'll call you "Whatever."
Okay, listen up, Whatever.
We've got a job to do.
I want to be prom queen,
and you're gonna help me
take down every person
in my path.
Which means, every eligible girl
at this school.
- Okay.
- Shut up, I'm trying to think.
We need to pinpoint
every single person's weakness,
and take them down one by one.
- But--
- There's Darcy, Parker,
Evanessa, Beatrix, even Braff.
Each one has an Achilles' heel,
and you're gonna help me
find it.
- If there are that many people,
why don't you take them all out
at once?
- Ugh.
- No, listen.
I play a lot
of role playing games,
and I was playing
"The Castles of Muldoon,"
and having a similar problem,
when--
- Bo-do-do-do.
Fast forward to the part
where it gets interesting.
- Uh, well, uh, instead of
defeating them one by one,
which is very energy intensive,
I poisoned them all at once
using the same tonic.
- [gasps]
Tell me more about
where I can get this tonic.
- I mean, you have to go
to the dwarf castle
and trade in
your first aid kit--
- I don't mean the whole thing.
- My point is, think about it.
What's something that
everyone uses,
but no one would think
to look for?
- Hmm.
[gasps]
Vaginal tightening gel.
That's perfect.
Tomorrow night,
I'll go get my mom's tube,
and put it in the prom hummus.
Every single one
of my competitors
will get violent food poisoning,
eliminating them
from the competition.
Forcing America to vote for me
as prom queen.
[sighs]
They'll also get
really tight vaginas, so
[soft dramatic music]
[machine beeping]
- I know Meegan and Chaad
are dying
to be prom king and queen,
but it's not gonna be that easy
because this year,
prom is going to be
[whispers inaudibly]
♪
Good, right?
[chuckles]
I'm so bad.
♪
Anyway, I know I'm just
blabbing away here,
but it's just
really nice knowing
that my secrets
are totally safe with you.
[soft dramatic music
intensifies]
[techno music]
♪
[soft music]
- [speaking gravely]
You shouldn't be
following me, Parker.
The Boom must boom alone
to protect the ones I love.
- But, Chaad, you're famous now.
That's, like, double popular.
Everybody is saying
you're a shoo-in
for "Promers" prom king.
- Really?
[speaking gravely again]
- I mean, really?
Sorry, it's hard
to talk like this all the time.
- America's gonna love you.
Especially if you do
some of your boomerang stuff
on the boat.
- Boat?
- Yeah, the prom boat.
The theme is "C students."
You know, the water, our GPAs.
[chuckles]
- So not on a real literal boat?
- Um, yeah, no,
it says it on the posters.
[ominous music]
♪
- How we doing?
Okay.
♪
Oh, c--oh, my God.
It's a mir--it's a miracle.
[dramatic music]
We've gotta get you to the prom.
[upbeat electronic music]
- We can still party like
the night never ended ♪
We can still party
like the night never ♪
- Eyes down,
find the bulge,
concentrate on it.
- We can still party
like the night never ended ♪
- Since you're only half Jewish,
my mom said
you can only put it half in.
- But the night
never ended ♪
- I can't believe
you wore the same dress as me.
[scoffs]
- And we can party hard ♪
- Oh, God,
you know how to dance, right?
- I actually did memorize
the Dothraki fertility dance
from episode six of--
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Come on, Boom.
Suck it up.
No way two boats sink
in the same year.
♪
- "What's up, America?
"Promers" is back.
Proming it to you as we prom
across the promenade
of America's promiest proms,
and this time,
we're in the open ocean
aboard the Brewster Bay
prom boat.
We'll be meeting with this crop
of promers here shortly.
So for right now, get ready
because you'll be deciding
America's prom queen tonight.
- And we're clear.
- I love my life.
Whew.
- Let's light up
the whole town ♪
- A little
vaginal tightening gel.
- To everyone
that's all around ♪
- Meegs.
[clears throat]
[speaking normally]
How is this boat not
making you anxious?
I feel like
we just found out Dad died
and we had to cancel
a massage appointment
for his funeral.
- Oh, so now you want
to talk to me?
It doesn't work like that,
twinsie.
I've got a new bro now,
and his name is
- It's, um, Bran--
- It doesn't matter
what his name is.
What matters is that
you're on your own.
Good-bye.
- I'll never get over you ♪
- [sighs]
- "Promers" wants to know
what you're
most proming forward to tonight.
- Looking forward to?
- Proming forward.
Prom on.
- I don't know
what you're saying.
- Would you like to do
a "Promers" shout out?
- [chuckles]
Sure.
[clears throat]
Hey, Dad.
I know you're actually alive.
A demon told me,
so have fun with your wife
and your new kid in Boca.
♪
- Okay.
- Andwe're clear.
- I don't think
we can use any of that, yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
- Is everybody's vagina feeling
super tight right now
or is it just me?
[microphone feedback]
- Good evening, students,
"Promers."
Welcome to the Brewster Bay Prep
Senior Prom,
which you all know is
on a great big boat,
but I'm sure that
won't bother most of you.
[cheers and applause]
So, we're about to say
"bye-bye" to the coast,
and "hello" to the open seas
for at least
the next four hours.
Where nothing bad
could possibly happen.
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, my God, Evanessa?
[crowd whispering]
- Oh, my God.
- Look who it is.
- No way.
- [bleep].
- Evanessa?
[dramatic music]
♪
- Evanessa?
- Why's Evanessa here?
- Evanessa, my BFF,
what're you doing here?
- Well, she wanted
to come to prom
because she has something
very important to say
about all of her
fellow students.
I think.
I think that's what she meant.
I'm not sure if that's exactly
what she was saying
'cause she was just
fluttering her eyelids.
- If only she could speak.
I know, I'll speak for her
'cause we were so close,
and I can read her mind.
[soft dramatic music]
"Meegan, if I had one wish,
"it would be for Brewster Bay
and America
to vote for you as prom--"
- Her eyelids, the fluttering,
that's Morse code.
- Really?
Ooh, tell us more.
- Or don't.
Or just leave.
- She says,
"She has secrets to tell.
"Like, lots and lots
of secrets,"
and then she spelled out:
W-I-N--"wink."
"Wink."
She spelled out "wink."
- I think what this pretty girl
is trying to say is:
"Braff, you're not only
my best friend,
"but you're my gay best friend.
"which is the best kind
of best friend,
"and even though
I'm totally vibing with you,
"I understand
that we could never be together
"'cause you're gay.
"Also, we don't even need
to let America vote.
"You should be both prom king
"and queen.
Amen."
all: [chanting]
Speech.
- No!
No!
No!
- Wait!
She's actually trying
to say something.
"Like, OMG.
"Like, I am really,
"like, ex-psych-ted
"to talk.
"It is been super long
'cause of my comma"
- She means coma.
- "But, like,
"I got so many
"of U-R secrets.
"Like, um,
"that one time,
"like, um,
that guy, like, um, like"
- This is going to take hours.
- I'm bored, right?
We--we should stop
listening to this.
- "Um, Chaad told me"
- Stop.
- Whoa.
together: Boom!
- Chaad, not now.
- [speaking gravely]
Why do we need to vote
on one king
and one queen?
Look at our trust funds.
We're all kings and queens.
together: Boom!
- This is prom, people!
together: Boom!
- Kings and queens!
together: Boom!
- No!
This meaningless
little popularity contest
that you little idiot inbreds
are playing
means nothing in the real world.
I used to think
it was just Meegan and Chaad,
but it's all of you,
and I am gonna
save the world from you
by killing everyone
in this room.
[all gasp]
- [scoffs]
Nice try, Tarcher,
but I'm a lawyer,
and I happen to know
murder is illegal.
- Not in international waters.
The only reason
I held prom on a boat
was to give myself
maritime amnesty.
I planted a bomb
in the engine room,
and in a couple of minutes
it's gonna go off,
and all you little monsters
are gonna be
at the bottom of the ocean.
See you in hell.
[all shouting]
[intense music]
♪
- Wow, this prom has really
taken a turn for the prom-st.
- Parker, is Tarcher right?
Can she kill us
just because we're in water?
- Which ocean is this?
- Boom, save us.
- [speaking gravely]
I used to think I only had
one weakness
boats.
But I realized
I'm also afraid of bombs.
Boats
and bombs.
God, Tarcher's plan was perfect.
- Well, at least we'll all die
prom kings and queens, right?
- No!
This is not how the world works.
Everyone can't be
prom king and queen.
That would mean
that everyone is equal,
and they aren't.
They just aren't!
There's only a few special
people in the world,
and I am one of them.
- Meegan, this isn't about you
right now.
- Oh, shut up, Parker.
No one even likes you.
You think being a teenage lawyer
makes you special?
It doesn't.
It just makes you smart,
and we all know
that doesn't get you anywhere.
- Um, let's not worry about
what people are or aren't.
We need to get to that bomb.
- Says the liar.
You all know he's not gay,
right?
He's just pretending to be
to be cool.
This is what Braff looked like
last year.
[all gasp]
And you,
you're not that skinny.
115 at best.
You're borderline obese.
- [speaking gravely]
Stop, Meegan.
We need to get
to the engine room.
- I'll stop when I'm done,
Chaad.
- Wow.
Things have just
gotten intense here.
We're all about to die,
but the results
of the live voting
have just come in.
Prom queen winner is:
Meegan Bishop.
- Oh, my God,
Chaad, did you hear that?
I'm America's prom queen!
I'm special!
- [inhales sharply]
[all gasp]
[chuckles]
Oh, my God, guys,
I can, like, move,
and talk!
Oh, my God, it's, like
[sighs]
It feels so goo
[explosion]
[fire crackling,
debris settling]
- [grunts]
Oh, gup, not again.
- [breathing heavy]
Stranded.
[both sigh]
- This can't be.
I was back on top.
I was America's prom queen!
- It's okay.
You'll always be my prom queen.
[romantic music]
- Meegan, Chaad!
[ominous music]
Get 'em!
[all yelling]
[funky electronic music]
♪
[yeti growls, wind blows]
[typewriter keys clacking]
[typewriter dings]
[clapping]