Fired on Mars (2023) s01e08 Episode Script
Marsiversary
1
♪
Jeff: We're all seekers, right?
I mean, that's why
we got involved
in this crazy thing
in the first place.
We're all looking for that
next frontier.
For some, it's California,
for others, it's this colony.
And, hey, for a few?
It's something beyond.
Wait, we're not talking about
Jupiter here, are we?
[Laughs] "Jupiters-lee"
doesn't have
quite the same ring to it.
[Laughs]
When I stop
and actually think
about what we've accomplished
in the past 30 years,
it's just like
[Imitates explosion]
That being said,
none of this could've happened
without the enormous sacrifices
of these rock stars.
♪
Uh, how do we make this
less?
I can speed it up.
It's more of a symbolic list, right?
[Cell phone rings]
Yes, what is it?
You're fucking kidding me.
What kind of equipment?
God Jesus fuck!
[Thunder crashes]
Darren: I mean, who you got
watching the store down here,
Geordi La-fucking-Forge?
It's not like this stuff
just walked itself out of here.
[Cell phone ringtone]
Ah, shit.
Brando! [Chuckles]
That's so weird!
I was just trying to call you.
Hey, Dare, just got
off the phone
with our security chief,
who said you put
some lunatic named
Trevor Sullivan in charge
of the investigation.
He also said a bunch of new
equipment was stolen overnight.
What?
No, no it's fine.
I'm actually here with one
of our guys and,
truth be told,
my money's on a miscount.
Some bad bookkeeping.
My money's on you
ignoring my very clear
instructions to you.
And now?
We have the makings
of a fucking coup on our hands.
Well, I don't I don't know
if this rises to the
Dare. Dare?
to the point of it
being a
Dare.
something to, uh
Dare, bud,
it's over, okay?
You were charged
with managing a problem,
and that problem
has escalated
into a colossal
fucking liability.
It's over.
Time to punch out.
[Sighs]
Will do, boss.
Listen, truth be told,
I think we both know
I never really had the belly
for this security stuff.
Better to mosey on back
to the desk
and focus
on the big picture.
Business.
Commerce. Ideas
No, Dare.
Let me be clear.
You are being let go.
Wait, wh-what?
And tell that grease monkey
Sullivan to stand down!
Wait, wait,
Brandon, Brandon!
Ah, shit.
Hey! Where the fuck
is Trevor Sullivan?
♪
[Rats squeaking]
♪
Oh, Danny boy, the pipes ♪
The pipes are callin' ♪
From glen to fuckin' ♪
Uh-oh!
[Whirring]
Please, oh, please,
please something to eat.
Please.
[Whirring]
[Rats squeaking]
♪
Stand down, men.
Today I cannot give you food,
but I can give you honor.
Aah! Ow!
Dah!
♪
[Grunting]
[Whirring]
Oh, no. Oh!
Ay!
Jesus these rats
will you listen to those things?
Better hit the switch.
[Alarm blaring]
[Machinery whirring]
♪
[Grunts]
♪
[Grunting]
♪
[Shouting]
[Grunting]
God
[Clears throat]
Metal-legged freak thinks
he got rid of me.
The party ain't fucking
over yet.
[Cartoon music plays]
I understand you
"had a fright,"
Hubert, but I think
it's time to leave.
Fright?!
Dear girl.
Like it or not,
I was almost murdered!
Hubert, I shouldn't
have to explain this.
None of us can risk
being seen together.
You need to leave
my fucking apartment.
She said, menacingly, to her
injured comrade in need of aid.
[Knock on door]
♪
Who's checking password?
You're going to just let me in?
Leaves!
My adrenals are shot
and you bring me roughage?
I will not stand for this!
[Grunting]
Ah
♪
Oh no
Oh
fuck
[Grunting]
Aah!
me!
Ohh.
♪
[Groaning]
♪
Fuck!
♪
[Chuckles]
♪
Heh heh, whoa!
Is something funny?
Uh, I don't
What's your name?
Greg?
You're fucking fired, Greg.
Is that funny?
Uh
[Mocking] Uh
Uh
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Oh, God, what is that smell?
Good morning, big boy.
Get the fuck
out of my chair.
You know it's against
IT security protocol
to leave passwords out.
Oh, Mary!
Wh Is that rat piss?
But in this case,
it was for the best.
I took a little tour
around the personnel database.
Turns out there's exactly
one metal-legged
fat fucking terrorist
up here.
[Scoffs]
Hubert Danielson?
Founder of the Wine and
Roses society is the terrorist?
Correctamundo.
What's he terrorizing,
the God damn pastry case?
O-Okay, please,
you got to stop.
I'm getting the pus
out of my lungs.
We got to fuckin'
get this guy.
[Inhales,
exhales sharply]
Let me break something
down to you.
You are a fuck up, okay?
With a fucked-up life.
And now you fucked
my life up.
So here's what
I need you to do.
Get your ugly fucking
alcoholic face out of here
and crawl back into whatever
pissed-soaked corner
of the colony
you came out of, okay?
Okay.
Bye-bye.
It sounds like maybe
you want to let
these terrorist fucks win.
Almost like you might be
one of them yourself.
Matter of fact
maybe I should kill you
right now.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, all right.
Right, um, yeah, no,
l-let's go get Hubert.
♪
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
♪
[Door opens, radio chatter]
All right, Sullivan,
let's make this nice and easy.
You son of a bitch,
you set me up.
♪
Aah!
[Coughing]
♪
Okay, bozos.
You got me.
Now you just got
to bring me in.
♪
[Laughing]
Okay.
I'm done.
What is password?
The directive was to stop
stealing things.
The hell's going on
with you people?
No idea what
you're talking about.
I've just been here babysitting
the dumb-dumb twins all day.
There's reports of more
missing equipment,
this time from the hangar.
All this on top
of Marsibration?
Marsiversary.
Marsiversary!
Apparently some guards
searched Hubert's quarters.
They are on our trail.
Are you kidding me?
That fiendish minuteman
is hunting me again!
Oh, Hosanna on high!
We need a better
hiding place for Hubert.
Di Wei, you seem to have
plenty of free time.
Can you find a place
for him on your farm?
No space!
It's very full.
So many radish
this harvest.
No more room for Hubert.
I'm sorry!
That wasn't a request,
it's a God damn order!
I've been sitting on this board
for over two decades.
That includes
the Magellan disaster,
the Jeremy Fagen incident, and
a whole host of other messes.
For the first time, Brandon,
I'm legitimately worried.
I mean, what is going on here?
Locusts?
Expensive assets going missing?
Mole people?
Susan, Susan.
Do these
mole people have firearms?
Susan!
There are no mole people,
there are no mole people
with firearms.
All the missing equipment
is accounted for.
And the locusts, as I've
repeatedly explained,
were a part of
the experimental food program.
Uh, really, the only thing
we need to worry about
is whether tomorrow's event is
going to be too amazing, right?
Hey, I need some water.
Can I get a fucking water, please?
♪
Slower, you hayseed!
Oof!
My buns, man!
Please be cautious.
How could we let one viper
ruin everything?
It's like underneath
that bland veneer,
there's something
truly cunning.
Evil.
He whips us into a frenzy,
convincing us
to hasten our timeline,
and then releases the locusts?
It's diabolical.
I am telling you, he is just
a graphic designer.
That's it.
♪
[Laughter]
Well, I guess, I just hope that
the main idea of this place,
you know,
the nucleus of it all
Oh, my God, Jeff.
Tell me you had no idea
about this.
No, of course not.
Graphic designer.
That, my dear, is a viper.
You see, it's quite simple
We are about to be
his next victim.
Something's not right.
This isn't Jeff.
This can't be Jeff.
Well, I'm just another branch
on the tree.
Di Wei: Listen, Hubert.
Listen to me carefully.
I have three hiding options
in my farm.
Option number one.
We put a cabbage leaf
on your head and bury you
to your neck in soil
so you appear as cabbage.
[Sighs] With the hounds
at the door,
I thought you'd be able
to suppress your foolishness.
- But alas.
- Silence.
Option Two.
We go to old tractor
that is missing engine,
we put you where
the engine used to be.
But whenever anyone walks
past you must go,
"Vroom, vroom," as engine.
[Sighs]
And option three?
You stay here in root cellar
with the door closed.
I'm sure you can gather
which option I prefer.
Yes. Let me go fetch
cabbage leaf.
Big leaf for
a very big boy!
[Chuckles]
♪
Jeff?
Hello?
♪
[Wind whistling]
Where are you?
♪
[Grunting]
♪
[Grumbles]
♪
[Laughs]
[Creaking]
Oh, no.
Aah!
♪
[Groans]
[Beep]
♪
[Groaning]
♪
Huh?
[Laughs]
[Coughs]
♪
Hey, lil fella.
[Robotic gibberish]
[Grunts]
[Beeping]
♪
Acquired.
♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
Let's fuckin' do this.
♪
Mom! Look, Mars!
They're on Mars!
Wow!
Pretty cool, bud.
[Screaming]
♪
Hey.
You're Jeff's friend, right?
Pfft.
When he needs something, yeah.
Well, I can't find
him anywhere.
Can you see him
from up there?
I left my asshole glasses
at home,
so, no,
I don't see him.
It's important.
Check backstage.
You might find him
in the social-climbers section.
But my advice to you
steer clear.
Bro is toxic.
He'll break your heart.
Thanks.
And
I found this.
♪
[Sighs] Aw, shit!
Hey, Dare, looking
a little put out.
Need a hug?
Uh, you know what,
th-there's just a lot of serious
stuff going on right now,
above your pay grade.
Yeah, it's not all trust falls
and gold stars out here,
I'm afraid to say.
In fact, I've been
talking to Brandon
about another round
of budget cuts and, uh,
[Inhales sharply] it's looking
like we may have to trim
some of
the Dreamspiration stuff.
[Chuckling] Weird.
I wonder why he asked me
to introduce Falco and not you.
He knows I got
more important stuff to do.
Plus, you know,
the whole diversity thing.
It looks good having
a woman up there.
You know I did actually
get a chance
to talk to Falco,
and your name came up.
It did?
Yeah, he said to say congratulations.
Uh, congratulations
for what?
Oh, I thought you knew.
The results came in and you
won the competition
for world's dumbest fuck.
Whatever. I got stuff to do.
I'm out of here.
Oh, yeah, like what, huh?
I know you got fired, Dare.
What are you even doing
back here?
Hey! It's okay for me
to be here!
Is it though?
Uh, yeah.
It is, actually.
Whoa.
Gentlemen.
Whoop-whoop!
Pull over. Pull over.
This is an actual emergency.
I need to confiscate all
the alcohol on the premises
'cause it's time
to get fucked up!
This little piggy gettin' lit.
This little piggy gettin' lit.
This little piggy
gettin' lit.
This little piggy
ain't getting shit.
[Laughs]
Yo, Dace.
You get a double.
Hmm.
[Laughs]
♪
[Grumbling]
♪
[Robotic gibberish]
[Beeping]
You think you can hide?
Not from me.
One step closer to the target.
One step closer to justice.
♪
[Hubert groaning]
What?
Who is it?
Who's there?
I go to Marsiversary now.
Would you like any hors d'oeuvre
from buffet?
M-Meat, cheese!
Anything but vegetables.
Okay, vegetable.
You got it.
No! No! Anything
but vegetables, you twit!
Yes, I hear you
loud and clear.
I bring you back a nice,
crunchy carrot.
Oh, my God
Hey, my friends
are back there.
We actually got separated,
so if there's any way you could
just let me in.
♪
Mars.ly knows how to party,
am I right?
Oh, hell yeah!
I was supposed to meet someone
here but I don't see him.
Well, I see your ass, and
you're lookin' pretty good.
Hey, any chance
you're heading back to VIP?
Room for one more?
There's always room
for one more.
Grab a VIP pass
for my new VIP.
Where they been
hiding you anyway?
[Chuckles]
The bio labs
at the bottom of building two, actually.
Bio lab, huh?
Maybe later we can do
a little experimentin'.
Yeah, maybe.
♪
How we doing?
So far so good.
30 seconds to show time.
No surprises?
No surprises.
Fuck yeah.
Welcome to the Marsiversary
30th interplanetary
all-hands broadcast.
[Cell phone ringing]
Please give me a warm
Mars.ly welcome
to a Dreamspiration great
who needs no introduction,
our very own Reagan!
[Cheers and applause]
♪
Ha-ha.
Wow.
Here we are!
[Cheers and applause]
You know, when I look out
into this audience
I see a lot of people
I recognize.
You might call them coworkers.
Or friends. Sure.
But I prefer the term "family."
Why are we a family?
Well, we've got a lot in common.
We're bold.
We like to take risks.
We all have the same
favorite color red.
[Laughter]
We like to break stuff
that needs to be broken.
We got that Mars.ly swagger!
[Laughter]
Keep on going.
Keep on going
Tick tock, tick tock,
tick tock
Keep on going.
[Buzzer]
Uh-oh
Keep on going.
Keep on going
There's a rabbit in the garden,
Farmer McGregor!
Keep on going.
[Gasps] Oh, dear.
The hell's wrong with you?
There's nothing under there.
Hey. Hey!
I'm talking to you.
♪
[Gasps, sighs]
♪
[Glass shattering]
[Robotic gibberish]
Please
help me.
Oh, I'm gonna help you,
big boy.
We're gonna help
each other.
And now, the reason
why we're here.
He's the man with the plan-et.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Earthlings and Martians,
I give you Falco!
[Cheers and applause]
♪
[Air whooshing]
30 years, 30 years of us
being a multi-planet species.
Official citizens of
the mother-snoggin' universe.
Now how cool is that?
G'day all of yous
in sunny California
and around the world
and g'day to all the colonists
up there on Mars.
It's a real sacrifice
what you're doing up there.
There's all these beautiful waterfalls
and rivers down here.
Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.
[Sighs]
I bet it's brilliant up there
and I'll be joining you soon.
Don't worry, I just got to get
my fill of these gorgeous
beaches here,
and then I'll be
on the next one up!
♪
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Jeff.
Have you seen him?
Actually, I have not.
And he better be in hair
and makeup
because he's on
in less than five.
Pick it up, fat body.
Hurry it on up.
Help
please
This bandit
has accosted me.
Keep on going.
Keep on going.
♪
Oh, God. Sorry.
Yo, science chick,
where'd you go?
Tee, I told you I met
a hot-ass scientess!
So, science,
that's an interesting topic.
Tell me, how do grasshoppers
become locusts?
Hey,
have you seen, Jeff?
Jeff? Are you fucking serious?
I love Jeff.
Everything okay
here, sir?
At ease, soldier.
You know, I actually built this
thing if you can believe it.
Yep.
I mean, it was based on
a prototype and everything,
but it's, uh
Just make sure
you get home safe, sir.
♪
A big thanks to everyone
down here,
up there,
and everywhere else.
Especially my number two,
that little dildo, Brandon.
Where are you, mate?
Poor bastard's like
a beaten dog, look at him.
♪
Yeah, we had a good run,
didn't we, old girl?
And of course, none of this
would be possible
without Jesus Christ,
the Word of God
made flesh who redeemed man
by His death on the cross.
Ah, yes.
And the creative director.
So I wanted this celebration
to be 100% "made on Mars."
And, boy, did this guy deliver.
Look at this.
Is that
Is that
Oh, man.
The Tasmanian devil.
But that's not That's just
my son playing a trick.
- It's a game we play.
- Hey, Dad saw Taz!
- We hide Taz.
- Hey, guys! Guys! Dad saw Taz!
[Door slams open]
Has anyone seen Jeff?
Where is Jeff Cooper?
Oh, shit, I actually ran
into playboy earlier.
Yeah, superstitious playa
was doing luck rituals
with his joojoos and shit.
Said he was gonna rub
Santa's belly.
[Chuckles]
Bloody beautiful work,
all those posters.
So, let's bring the artist up.
Jeff Cooper.
[Applause]
♪
[Murmuring]
[Sammy Hagar's
"Right Now" plays]
♪
What are these pictures?
Where is that fucking music
coming from?
Keep on going.
Keep on going.
Give 'em hell, Sully.
♪
Brandon, you think you can
shut that thing
the fuck off, please?
Jeff: Jax, a little boy
from central Florida
once told me the past can be
a prison if you let it.
♪
About five clicks north
of the Beckett Crater,
there's an unusual
rock formation.
It's the kind of place
that has no memory.
No past.
The future is waiting.
♪
You just got to know
where to look.
I could use a friend to help me
get my project on wheels.
Fireheart.
[Beeping]
Brandon!
Turn the fucker off!
Don't wanna wait
till tomorrow ♪
Fibo-nach.
How ya doing?
One by one, little problems ♪
Build up,
and stand in our way ♪
Oh ♪
One step ahead,
one step behind it ♪
Keep on going. Keep on going.
Keep on going. Keep on going.
Stop the show, I found
the fucking terrorist!
[Crowd gasps]
Please, I beg you.
Do as the man says.
Yesterday ♪
Brandon!
Turn this thing around ♪
Right now ♪
Hey, it's your tomorrow ♪
Right now ♪
Come on, it's everything ♪
Right now ♪
Catch your magic moment ♪
Let's do it right here
and now ♪
♪
Trevor: Stop the show!
♪
Jeff: We're all seekers, right?
I mean, that's why
we got involved
in this crazy thing
in the first place.
We're all looking for that
next frontier.
For some, it's California,
for others, it's this colony.
And, hey, for a few?
It's something beyond.
Wait, we're not talking about
Jupiter here, are we?
[Laughs] "Jupiters-lee"
doesn't have
quite the same ring to it.
[Laughs]
When I stop
and actually think
about what we've accomplished
in the past 30 years,
it's just like
[Imitates explosion]
That being said,
none of this could've happened
without the enormous sacrifices
of these rock stars.
♪
Uh, how do we make this
less?
I can speed it up.
It's more of a symbolic list, right?
[Cell phone rings]
Yes, what is it?
You're fucking kidding me.
What kind of equipment?
God Jesus fuck!
[Thunder crashes]
Darren: I mean, who you got
watching the store down here,
Geordi La-fucking-Forge?
It's not like this stuff
just walked itself out of here.
[Cell phone ringtone]
Ah, shit.
Brando! [Chuckles]
That's so weird!
I was just trying to call you.
Hey, Dare, just got
off the phone
with our security chief,
who said you put
some lunatic named
Trevor Sullivan in charge
of the investigation.
He also said a bunch of new
equipment was stolen overnight.
What?
No, no it's fine.
I'm actually here with one
of our guys and,
truth be told,
my money's on a miscount.
Some bad bookkeeping.
My money's on you
ignoring my very clear
instructions to you.
And now?
We have the makings
of a fucking coup on our hands.
Well, I don't I don't know
if this rises to the
Dare. Dare?
to the point of it
being a
Dare.
something to, uh
Dare, bud,
it's over, okay?
You were charged
with managing a problem,
and that problem
has escalated
into a colossal
fucking liability.
It's over.
Time to punch out.
[Sighs]
Will do, boss.
Listen, truth be told,
I think we both know
I never really had the belly
for this security stuff.
Better to mosey on back
to the desk
and focus
on the big picture.
Business.
Commerce. Ideas
No, Dare.
Let me be clear.
You are being let go.
Wait, wh-what?
And tell that grease monkey
Sullivan to stand down!
Wait, wait,
Brandon, Brandon!
Ah, shit.
Hey! Where the fuck
is Trevor Sullivan?
♪
[Rats squeaking]
♪
Oh, Danny boy, the pipes ♪
The pipes are callin' ♪
From glen to fuckin' ♪
Uh-oh!
[Whirring]
Please, oh, please,
please something to eat.
Please.
[Whirring]
[Rats squeaking]
♪
Stand down, men.
Today I cannot give you food,
but I can give you honor.
Aah! Ow!
Dah!
♪
[Grunting]
[Whirring]
Oh, no. Oh!
Ay!
Jesus these rats
will you listen to those things?
Better hit the switch.
[Alarm blaring]
[Machinery whirring]
♪
[Grunts]
♪
[Grunting]
♪
[Shouting]
[Grunting]
God
[Clears throat]
Metal-legged freak thinks
he got rid of me.
The party ain't fucking
over yet.
[Cartoon music plays]
I understand you
"had a fright,"
Hubert, but I think
it's time to leave.
Fright?!
Dear girl.
Like it or not,
I was almost murdered!
Hubert, I shouldn't
have to explain this.
None of us can risk
being seen together.
You need to leave
my fucking apartment.
She said, menacingly, to her
injured comrade in need of aid.
[Knock on door]
♪
Who's checking password?
You're going to just let me in?
Leaves!
My adrenals are shot
and you bring me roughage?
I will not stand for this!
[Grunting]
Ah
♪
Oh no
Oh
fuck
[Grunting]
Aah!
me!
Ohh.
♪
[Groaning]
♪
Fuck!
♪
[Chuckles]
♪
Heh heh, whoa!
Is something funny?
Uh, I don't
What's your name?
Greg?
You're fucking fired, Greg.
Is that funny?
Uh
[Mocking] Uh
Uh
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Oh, God, what is that smell?
Good morning, big boy.
Get the fuck
out of my chair.
You know it's against
IT security protocol
to leave passwords out.
Oh, Mary!
Wh Is that rat piss?
But in this case,
it was for the best.
I took a little tour
around the personnel database.
Turns out there's exactly
one metal-legged
fat fucking terrorist
up here.
[Scoffs]
Hubert Danielson?
Founder of the Wine and
Roses society is the terrorist?
Correctamundo.
What's he terrorizing,
the God damn pastry case?
O-Okay, please,
you got to stop.
I'm getting the pus
out of my lungs.
We got to fuckin'
get this guy.
[Inhales,
exhales sharply]
Let me break something
down to you.
You are a fuck up, okay?
With a fucked-up life.
And now you fucked
my life up.
So here's what
I need you to do.
Get your ugly fucking
alcoholic face out of here
and crawl back into whatever
pissed-soaked corner
of the colony
you came out of, okay?
Okay.
Bye-bye.
It sounds like maybe
you want to let
these terrorist fucks win.
Almost like you might be
one of them yourself.
Matter of fact
maybe I should kill you
right now.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, all right.
Right, um, yeah, no,
l-let's go get Hubert.
♪
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
♪
[Door opens, radio chatter]
All right, Sullivan,
let's make this nice and easy.
You son of a bitch,
you set me up.
♪
Aah!
[Coughing]
♪
Okay, bozos.
You got me.
Now you just got
to bring me in.
♪
[Laughing]
Okay.
I'm done.
What is password?
The directive was to stop
stealing things.
The hell's going on
with you people?
No idea what
you're talking about.
I've just been here babysitting
the dumb-dumb twins all day.
There's reports of more
missing equipment,
this time from the hangar.
All this on top
of Marsibration?
Marsiversary.
Marsiversary!
Apparently some guards
searched Hubert's quarters.
They are on our trail.
Are you kidding me?
That fiendish minuteman
is hunting me again!
Oh, Hosanna on high!
We need a better
hiding place for Hubert.
Di Wei, you seem to have
plenty of free time.
Can you find a place
for him on your farm?
No space!
It's very full.
So many radish
this harvest.
No more room for Hubert.
I'm sorry!
That wasn't a request,
it's a God damn order!
I've been sitting on this board
for over two decades.
That includes
the Magellan disaster,
the Jeremy Fagen incident, and
a whole host of other messes.
For the first time, Brandon,
I'm legitimately worried.
I mean, what is going on here?
Locusts?
Expensive assets going missing?
Mole people?
Susan, Susan.
Do these
mole people have firearms?
Susan!
There are no mole people,
there are no mole people
with firearms.
All the missing equipment
is accounted for.
And the locusts, as I've
repeatedly explained,
were a part of
the experimental food program.
Uh, really, the only thing
we need to worry about
is whether tomorrow's event is
going to be too amazing, right?
Hey, I need some water.
Can I get a fucking water, please?
♪
Slower, you hayseed!
Oof!
My buns, man!
Please be cautious.
How could we let one viper
ruin everything?
It's like underneath
that bland veneer,
there's something
truly cunning.
Evil.
He whips us into a frenzy,
convincing us
to hasten our timeline,
and then releases the locusts?
It's diabolical.
I am telling you, he is just
a graphic designer.
That's it.
♪
[Laughter]
Well, I guess, I just hope that
the main idea of this place,
you know,
the nucleus of it all
Oh, my God, Jeff.
Tell me you had no idea
about this.
No, of course not.
Graphic designer.
That, my dear, is a viper.
You see, it's quite simple
We are about to be
his next victim.
Something's not right.
This isn't Jeff.
This can't be Jeff.
Well, I'm just another branch
on the tree.
Di Wei: Listen, Hubert.
Listen to me carefully.
I have three hiding options
in my farm.
Option number one.
We put a cabbage leaf
on your head and bury you
to your neck in soil
so you appear as cabbage.
[Sighs] With the hounds
at the door,
I thought you'd be able
to suppress your foolishness.
- But alas.
- Silence.
Option Two.
We go to old tractor
that is missing engine,
we put you where
the engine used to be.
But whenever anyone walks
past you must go,
"Vroom, vroom," as engine.
[Sighs]
And option three?
You stay here in root cellar
with the door closed.
I'm sure you can gather
which option I prefer.
Yes. Let me go fetch
cabbage leaf.
Big leaf for
a very big boy!
[Chuckles]
♪
Jeff?
Hello?
♪
[Wind whistling]
Where are you?
♪
[Grunting]
♪
[Grumbles]
♪
[Laughs]
[Creaking]
Oh, no.
Aah!
♪
[Groans]
[Beep]
♪
[Groaning]
♪
Huh?
[Laughs]
[Coughs]
♪
Hey, lil fella.
[Robotic gibberish]
[Grunts]
[Beeping]
♪
Acquired.
♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
Let's fuckin' do this.
♪
Mom! Look, Mars!
They're on Mars!
Wow!
Pretty cool, bud.
[Screaming]
♪
Hey.
You're Jeff's friend, right?
Pfft.
When he needs something, yeah.
Well, I can't find
him anywhere.
Can you see him
from up there?
I left my asshole glasses
at home,
so, no,
I don't see him.
It's important.
Check backstage.
You might find him
in the social-climbers section.
But my advice to you
steer clear.
Bro is toxic.
He'll break your heart.
Thanks.
And
I found this.
♪
[Sighs] Aw, shit!
Hey, Dare, looking
a little put out.
Need a hug?
Uh, you know what,
th-there's just a lot of serious
stuff going on right now,
above your pay grade.
Yeah, it's not all trust falls
and gold stars out here,
I'm afraid to say.
In fact, I've been
talking to Brandon
about another round
of budget cuts and, uh,
[Inhales sharply] it's looking
like we may have to trim
some of
the Dreamspiration stuff.
[Chuckling] Weird.
I wonder why he asked me
to introduce Falco and not you.
He knows I got
more important stuff to do.
Plus, you know,
the whole diversity thing.
It looks good having
a woman up there.
You know I did actually
get a chance
to talk to Falco,
and your name came up.
It did?
Yeah, he said to say congratulations.
Uh, congratulations
for what?
Oh, I thought you knew.
The results came in and you
won the competition
for world's dumbest fuck.
Whatever. I got stuff to do.
I'm out of here.
Oh, yeah, like what, huh?
I know you got fired, Dare.
What are you even doing
back here?
Hey! It's okay for me
to be here!
Is it though?
Uh, yeah.
It is, actually.
Whoa.
Gentlemen.
Whoop-whoop!
Pull over. Pull over.
This is an actual emergency.
I need to confiscate all
the alcohol on the premises
'cause it's time
to get fucked up!
This little piggy gettin' lit.
This little piggy gettin' lit.
This little piggy
gettin' lit.
This little piggy
ain't getting shit.
[Laughs]
Yo, Dace.
You get a double.
Hmm.
[Laughs]
♪
[Grumbling]
♪
[Robotic gibberish]
[Beeping]
You think you can hide?
Not from me.
One step closer to the target.
One step closer to justice.
♪
[Hubert groaning]
What?
Who is it?
Who's there?
I go to Marsiversary now.
Would you like any hors d'oeuvre
from buffet?
M-Meat, cheese!
Anything but vegetables.
Okay, vegetable.
You got it.
No! No! Anything
but vegetables, you twit!
Yes, I hear you
loud and clear.
I bring you back a nice,
crunchy carrot.
Oh, my God
Hey, my friends
are back there.
We actually got separated,
so if there's any way you could
just let me in.
♪
Mars.ly knows how to party,
am I right?
Oh, hell yeah!
I was supposed to meet someone
here but I don't see him.
Well, I see your ass, and
you're lookin' pretty good.
Hey, any chance
you're heading back to VIP?
Room for one more?
There's always room
for one more.
Grab a VIP pass
for my new VIP.
Where they been
hiding you anyway?
[Chuckles]
The bio labs
at the bottom of building two, actually.
Bio lab, huh?
Maybe later we can do
a little experimentin'.
Yeah, maybe.
♪
How we doing?
So far so good.
30 seconds to show time.
No surprises?
No surprises.
Fuck yeah.
Welcome to the Marsiversary
30th interplanetary
all-hands broadcast.
[Cell phone ringing]
Please give me a warm
Mars.ly welcome
to a Dreamspiration great
who needs no introduction,
our very own Reagan!
[Cheers and applause]
♪
Ha-ha.
Wow.
Here we are!
[Cheers and applause]
You know, when I look out
into this audience
I see a lot of people
I recognize.
You might call them coworkers.
Or friends. Sure.
But I prefer the term "family."
Why are we a family?
Well, we've got a lot in common.
We're bold.
We like to take risks.
We all have the same
favorite color red.
[Laughter]
We like to break stuff
that needs to be broken.
We got that Mars.ly swagger!
[Laughter]
Keep on going.
Keep on going
Tick tock, tick tock,
tick tock
Keep on going.
[Buzzer]
Uh-oh
Keep on going.
Keep on going
There's a rabbit in the garden,
Farmer McGregor!
Keep on going.
[Gasps] Oh, dear.
The hell's wrong with you?
There's nothing under there.
Hey. Hey!
I'm talking to you.
♪
[Gasps, sighs]
♪
[Glass shattering]
[Robotic gibberish]
Please
help me.
Oh, I'm gonna help you,
big boy.
We're gonna help
each other.
And now, the reason
why we're here.
He's the man with the plan-et.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Earthlings and Martians,
I give you Falco!
[Cheers and applause]
♪
[Air whooshing]
30 years, 30 years of us
being a multi-planet species.
Official citizens of
the mother-snoggin' universe.
Now how cool is that?
G'day all of yous
in sunny California
and around the world
and g'day to all the colonists
up there on Mars.
It's a real sacrifice
what you're doing up there.
There's all these beautiful waterfalls
and rivers down here.
Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.
[Sighs]
I bet it's brilliant up there
and I'll be joining you soon.
Don't worry, I just got to get
my fill of these gorgeous
beaches here,
and then I'll be
on the next one up!
♪
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Jeff.
Have you seen him?
Actually, I have not.
And he better be in hair
and makeup
because he's on
in less than five.
Pick it up, fat body.
Hurry it on up.
Help
please
This bandit
has accosted me.
Keep on going.
Keep on going.
♪
Oh, God. Sorry.
Yo, science chick,
where'd you go?
Tee, I told you I met
a hot-ass scientess!
So, science,
that's an interesting topic.
Tell me, how do grasshoppers
become locusts?
Hey,
have you seen, Jeff?
Jeff? Are you fucking serious?
I love Jeff.
Everything okay
here, sir?
At ease, soldier.
You know, I actually built this
thing if you can believe it.
Yep.
I mean, it was based on
a prototype and everything,
but it's, uh
Just make sure
you get home safe, sir.
♪
A big thanks to everyone
down here,
up there,
and everywhere else.
Especially my number two,
that little dildo, Brandon.
Where are you, mate?
Poor bastard's like
a beaten dog, look at him.
♪
Yeah, we had a good run,
didn't we, old girl?
And of course, none of this
would be possible
without Jesus Christ,
the Word of God
made flesh who redeemed man
by His death on the cross.
Ah, yes.
And the creative director.
So I wanted this celebration
to be 100% "made on Mars."
And, boy, did this guy deliver.
Look at this.
Is that
Is that
Oh, man.
The Tasmanian devil.
But that's not That's just
my son playing a trick.
- It's a game we play.
- Hey, Dad saw Taz!
- We hide Taz.
- Hey, guys! Guys! Dad saw Taz!
[Door slams open]
Has anyone seen Jeff?
Where is Jeff Cooper?
Oh, shit, I actually ran
into playboy earlier.
Yeah, superstitious playa
was doing luck rituals
with his joojoos and shit.
Said he was gonna rub
Santa's belly.
[Chuckles]
Bloody beautiful work,
all those posters.
So, let's bring the artist up.
Jeff Cooper.
[Applause]
♪
[Murmuring]
[Sammy Hagar's
"Right Now" plays]
♪
What are these pictures?
Where is that fucking music
coming from?
Keep on going.
Keep on going.
Give 'em hell, Sully.
♪
Brandon, you think you can
shut that thing
the fuck off, please?
Jeff: Jax, a little boy
from central Florida
once told me the past can be
a prison if you let it.
♪
About five clicks north
of the Beckett Crater,
there's an unusual
rock formation.
It's the kind of place
that has no memory.
No past.
The future is waiting.
♪
You just got to know
where to look.
I could use a friend to help me
get my project on wheels.
Fireheart.
[Beeping]
Brandon!
Turn the fucker off!
Don't wanna wait
till tomorrow ♪
Fibo-nach.
How ya doing?
One by one, little problems ♪
Build up,
and stand in our way ♪
Oh ♪
One step ahead,
one step behind it ♪
Keep on going. Keep on going.
Keep on going. Keep on going.
Stop the show, I found
the fucking terrorist!
[Crowd gasps]
Please, I beg you.
Do as the man says.
Yesterday ♪
Brandon!
Turn this thing around ♪
Right now ♪
Hey, it's your tomorrow ♪
Right now ♪
Come on, it's everything ♪
Right now ♪
Catch your magic moment ♪
Let's do it right here
and now ♪
♪
Trevor: Stop the show!