Flight of the Conchords s01e08 Episode Script

Come on, man, I can't go in there by myself.
I don't like croissants.
What was all that about just then? - What? - About you not liking croissants? What are you talking about? - What are you talking about now? - I don't like croissants.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
I'm not going in there, man.
You've gotta come in there with me.
I can't go in there by myself and buy a croissant, can I? She'll think I'm weird.
You have to back me up.
You have to be what's called "my wingman.
" Oh, like in "Top Gun"? Stop comparing everything to "Top Gun.
" It's not this situation's nothing like "Top Gun.
" "Ooh, it's like 'Top Gun.
"' Come on, it'll only take five minutes.
We've been out here talking about it for two hours now.
What do I have to do? Just make me seem popular.
If I say something, you agree with me.
All right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, I'd like a croissant, please.
Yes, that's true, he would.
Okay, a croissant, sure.
He's very popular.
Be more subtle about it.
Mmm, that's true.
I suppose he didn't have to say that.
Je voudrais un croissant.
What? # Je voudrais un croissant # # Je suis enchanté # # Où est la bibliothèque? # # Voilà mon passeport # # Ehh # # Gerard Depardieu # # Baguette # # Baguette # # Foo fa fa # # Foo fa fa fa fa # # Foo fa fa # # Ay ya # # Foo fa fa # # Foo fa fa fa fa # # Foo fa fa, ay ya # # Et maintenant le voyage à le supermarché # # Pamplemousse # # Ananas # # Jus d'orange # # Boeuf # # Soup du jour # # Camembert # # Jacques Cousteau, baguette # - # Bonjour # - # Bonjour # - # Bonjour # - # Bonjour, monsieur # # Bonjour, mon petit poire au dijon # - # Ça va? # - # Ça va, ça va? # - # Ça va # - # Voilà la conversation dans le parc # - # Où est le livre? # - # A la bibliothèque # - # Et la musique dance? # - # A la discothèque # - # Et la discothèque? # - # Say you say bébé? # # Un deux # # Un deux trois quatre # # Foo doo fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa # # Ay ya # # Foo doo fa fa # # Foo da fa fa fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa # # Ay ya # - # Où est la piscine? # - # Pardon-moi? # # Où est la piscine? # - # Uh # - # Splish-splash # - # Eh? Uh # - # Uh? Eh? # # Je ne comprend pas # # Parlez-vous le français? # # Uh # # Parlez-vous le français? # # Ummm # - Non.
- Oh.
# Foo doo fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa # # Ay ya # # Foo doo fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa fa fa # # Foo doo fa fa # # Ay ya # # Ba da bada bo! # They're having a nice conversation.
Yep.
Do you like having nice conversations? No.
Nope.
There's been a big mix-up, Bret.
A disastrous mix-up.
'Cause I was talking to Lisa and then that was going very well and then I dropped my wallet, there was some confusion and I think I ended up talking to Felicia, when I should be talking to Lisa.
You are talking to Lisa.
- Am I? - Yeah.
Right, well that's obviously what's happened.
We should swap.
Oh, look, Bret's feeling Felicia's breast.
- Uh, I'm Felicia.
That's - Yes.
Lisa.
- Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.
- Yeah.
- That must be nice for her.
Yeah.
Looks like she's responding to that quite positively.
Bret, how you doing? Good good.
Ah.
Yeah.
It's good.
How you guys doing? Pretty good.
Pretty good.
I'm actually feeling a little bit tired though.
- I think maybe we should go.
- No.
Yeah, you know, I'm feeling pretty tired too, - so I'm gonna - Oh no, we're staying out.
- Yeah, but I have that thing - Yeah, we're staying out.
- Good idea, good idea, Felicia.
- We're staying out.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's Lisa, I'm Felicia.
All right, finally, item two.
Any new business from any of us? Any any news? Jemaine, have you got any? Well, we've got girlfriends now.
Really? Even both of you? Yeah, we've met them and everything.
I've told you this before, guys.
Okay, I don't want to have to, you know, backpedal and repeat myself, but It's like I said when you were with Coco: "Bands shouldn't have girlfriends.
" Okay? You'll lose your female fan base.
What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends.
That's how they kept the women wanting them.
No girlfriends.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
So how far did you get with your girlfriend? Well, I don't want to talk about that.
I've told you about how far I've been with you know, Shelly, last Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I don't want to hear that again.
Yeah? Didn't you like that story? - So what'd you do? - Well, I kissed her.
- Did you? - And you felt her breast.
- Yeah.
- Hand on her breast.
Oh whoa, Bret, be careful.
- What about you, Jemaine? - Hmm? Come on, you tell me what you got up to.
Um, I saw Bret feeling that lady's breast.
No, I mean with your girlfriend.
Yeah, uh good.
Yeah, good, was it? It pretty good.
It was Hmm, good.
You're not the only ones with good news, actually.
My car broke down in the ghetto.
That's not the good news, but do you know about the ghetto? - Yes.
- No.
Yeah, well you know the Elvis song, "In the Ghetto"? - Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, it's exactly like he describes it.
It's whoa.
Anyway, I met A.
J.
Jones.
- Who's that? - He's the brother of Quincy Jones.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You know, the music producer.
- Yeah yeah yeah, wow.
And so now we we've done some business already.
Are you serious? He said he could sell me a high-end stereo system for $50.
- That's not band-related.
- You're in a band, you play music, so does the stereo.
There's your relation, all right? And Quincy Jones, he's the music producer, isn't he? What's some of the albums that he's produced, Bret? - Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall.
" - Yeah, whoa.
I'll say he is.
He's crazy.
Off the planet.
Isn't he going to freeze himself? Hey, Bret, Lisa here.
Listen, Felicia and I had a really good time last night.
- Shut up, would you? - Anyway, we were wondering if you'd like to come out tonight.
Hope you like Italian! Call me.
- Did you hear that, Bret? - Yeah.
- Did you hear the message? - I'm not going out tonight.
What? What are you talking about? It's girls and spaghetti.
We love girls and spaghetti.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna say we're busy.
No way, man.
You're my wingman, I need you.
We've got it all, the girls love us.
We're like Wham.
I don't want to go too fast, you know.
I don't want her to think that I'm easy.
You want her to think you're more difficult? Do you think I dress too provocatively? No.
If I may be so bold, I think you're showing a little too much arm.
- Am I? - Mmm.
Yeah, you look a little cheap.
No, you don't look cheap, Bret.
You look fine.
- May I make a suggestion? - No.
Fix the sink.
Women don't objectify men in that way, Bret.
Yeah, okay, maybe I'll come tonight.
Yeah, and wear something a little sluttier.
Give her something to look at.
I guess I want to show her a little bit of arm, 'cause I don't want her to lose interest entirely.
Yeah, you don't want the bear to go completely hungry, you don't want it to attack, so give it a little bait, keep it interested.
Fix the sink, please.
The sink works.
It just comes out of a different place.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - What's up? - Bit rough, isn't it? - Eh.
So, well thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule, you know, to meet with me, Mr.
Jones.
Eh, call me A.
J.
, man.
Right.
Oh, with regards to your proposal, I've spoken to the guys, A.
J.
, and they said they're keen.
We want the stereo, so Good, 80 bucks.
Okay.
I haven't got any with me now some shit went down.
Oh really? Okay, sorry to hear about shit going down.
You need any hot pants? - Pardon? - I got a shitload of hot pants.
You talk to anyone who's looking for hot pants, send them my way.
All right, I will.
Okay.
Good.
I've got to go, I've got a meeting.
Oh, A.
J? Um I was just wondering if you'd do us a favor.
You know, I manage a rock band.
What what are the chances of me playing a demo of theirs to your brother? - My brother? - Yeah.
Quincy, you know.
Oh, my older brother.
Yeah yeah, Quincy.
Uh, let me hear the track.
Just um - Listen to that.
- # Who likes to rock the party? # # He likes to rock the party.
# Can I tell you my honest opinion? - Yep.
- I love it.
- You do? - I'll tell you what: I can help you with a single, because I'm also in the CD-single- manufacturing business.
If you're interested, I could talk to my people Quincy - Oh.
and the gang, and we could put something together.
Very interested.
We'd definitely go for that.
- All right.
Good good.
- All right! Thanks a lot.
You're still getting that sound system, right? Oh yeah, of course.
I don't want you to think we're pulling one over on you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- You warm? - Mmm.
Hey, I think I might head off now.
Oh yeah yeah, that's a great idea.
Let's leave the two lovebirds.
Come on.
Oh.
- Bye.
- See you guys.
Felicia, you'll get a cab, right? Yeah, I guess.
A little muscley.
Well, this is my place, so - Oh, okay.
- Thank you for walking me home, and it was a lovely evening.
It was a great evening.
I had a really good time.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Can can I come up for some tea? Oh, you don't want to come up, it's a really small flat.
Bret, how long do you wait until you let a girl come upstairs? Three years.
Oh, you're serious.
What what do you think I am, dangerous? Well, you can you can have a cup of tea but then you've got to go home.
It's getting kind of late.
L um, I've got to go jogging in the morning.
- Oh yeah.
- So It is late, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Um Oh well, I mean I'm I'm not gonna be able to get a cab back to Brooklyn this time of night, so Uh, I could give you directions to the F train.
Oh the that that's a really dangerous stop.
I mean, I I've heard there's maniacs down there.
- Maniacs? - Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, maybe you should stay.
Yeah no, I think I should.
And I I mean, I'll be fine on the couch or I could stay in your bed - with you.
- Yeah.
Probably best just the couch.
Well, I'll sleep on the couch, and you can sleep on my bed.
- How's that? - You'll be comfortable out here? Yeah yeah, that's that's good.
Okay, great.
I'll be in your bed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Bret? Bretty? - What are you doing? - I couldn't sleep.
Well, you're not gonna sleep any better up there.
Could I just could I just sleep next to you? I promise I won't do anything.
- No.
- Come on, just give me a little sugar.
Definitely no sugar.
You've been kissing me all night, Bret.
It's been driving me crazy.
You have to give me just a little somethin' somethin'.
It's it's kind of an unspoken rule.
# A kiss is not a contract # # But it's very nice # # Mmm, very nice # # Just because you've been exploring my mouth # # Doesn't mean you get to take an expedition further south # # No # # A kiss is not a contract # # But it's very nice # # It's very very nice # # Just because we've been playing tonsil hockey # # Doesn't mean you get to score the goal # # That's in my jockey # # Just because I'm in a two-man novelty band # # Doesn't mean it's all about poontang # # I can't go round loving everyone # # I just wouldn't get anything done # # You can take me out to dinner # # That might be quite nice # # You could buy me a burrito and some beans and rice # # But that won't get you into pants paradise # # They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven # # Oh whoa # # A kiss is not a contract # # But it's very nice # # It's very very nice # # I'm only one man # # Baby # # Pretty baby # # We're only two men, ladies # # Babies, pretty babies.
# Something very disturbing happened to me last night, Jemaine.
- What? - Well, you know Lisa.
Well, it turns out she's very aggressive.
Did she hit you? - No, she wanted to go all the way.
- Mmm.
I thought you already did go all the way.
No, now she wants to have sex.
What gave you that impression? She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.
Oh I see.
You're lying.
No, she was all over me.
It's like that scene from "Top Gun.
" You know your favorite scene in "Top Gun"? - I don't know that movie.
- Yeah, it's your favorite scene.
I don't know the movie.
Yeah, well, it was full-on.
I'm not ready for it.
How did you get her to start it? I don't know, I was asleep.
Really? Hmm.
And then what did you do? Well, I just said, "I'm not ready to have sex.
" - And that worked? - No, that didn't work at all, 'cause then she wanted to have sex.
Oh.
It worked then, good.
I think Felicia's pretty keen too.
She gave me this free day-old croissant.
Conchord CDs.
Original music from New Zealand.
Out of my area.
Hey, Mel, you want one of these? Thanks, George.
Hey, Dave, can I ask you a question about women's sexuality? Sure, you came to the right place for that.
I'm going out with this American girl who wants to, you know, - go you know, like, do the whole - Mm-hmm.
She wants to go the whole way.
That means sex, right? Yeah and I'm not really ready for that.
Bret's not ready for it.
- Yeah.
- Hot bod, gross face.
I get it.
Just hit that shit from behind.
No no no, I just always imagined that when I did finally make the move, it would be more special, you know? It would be flowers, violins, I'd be in a nice suit.
Everything would just be perfect.
I don't know how you guys do things in Europe - New Zealand.
- Yeah, probably.
But in America, if you want to spend some time with the ladies, you got to show 'em some sausage.
Am I right, Jemaine? What are you talking about? I'm talking about in the U.
S.
, if you want something, you've got to be prepared to put out for it.
How do you think I eat so well every lunchtime? Hey, Mrs.
Chang.
Thanks for the egg rolls, huh.
What? Hey, Lisa, do you think we can maybe just talk for a little bit? Yeah.
Don't don't do you care about me at all? Yes.
I mean, don't you know that if a girl gets aroused and doesn't climax, that she can really damage herself? Bret, I might not be able to have a baby.
- I didn't know that.
- It's kinda common knowledge.
- Well - I'm not I don't want to make you feel bad, but it's just everybody kind of knows that.
I just think it might be a bit too soon.
Well, guess what? Tomorrow it's not gonna matter if you're ready or not.
Mmm why's that? Because tomorrow, Bret, I ship out to Iraq.
Iraq? Yeah, I'm in Delta Force, Bret.
You're in Delta Force? What's that? I gotta take one for my country, so the least I could do is take one from you.
Felicia, hey.
- Oh hey, Jemaine.
- I just wanted to tell you that I don't want to have sex with you.
Good, I don't want to either.
Oh.
Oh ooh ooh! Felicia, I just wanted to check.
So who was it that wanted to and who didn't want to? Oh, it was both of us that didn't want to.
Yeah, you don't want to, I don't want to.
Yeah, don't want to.
You said you didn't want to Mmm, oh yuck, no way.
But we could.
Can we? Oh, so you do want to? No, I'm just I'm not interested at all, Jemaine.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Is it because I'm too dangerous? 'Cause you think I'm just gonna ride out of this town the same way I rode in, and when I go, I'll take your heart with me? No? Slight concern about that, though, maybe? Mmm.
Thought it was gonna be that one.
Look, Jemaine, I, um I only went out with you in the first place because Lisa kind of like insisted that I be her wingman.
You're her wingman? 'Cause Bret was supposed to be my wingman.
- Look.
- That's why you don't want to.
- No, it's not way.
- Might be one of the reasons.
Not any of the reasons, but Iook.
It's raining.
I've got to get going 'cause Okay, there was, "don't want to," "don't want to.
" - Do not want to.
- Okay.
- Me too, don't want to.
- "Don't want to" and "don't want to.
" - Okay, let's not then.
- Okay.
I mean, that seems to work out best for both of us.
- Okay, Jemaine, good night.
- Okay.
Good night.
- Okay, move.
- Yeah.
You can you can move a little more.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
Um, Lisa? Could I go home now? You okay, Bret? Could you please get out of here? I'm having a shower.
Okay.
I was in here first.
You come in here with your clothes on, crying.
It was over in five minutes.
I mean, she fell asleep.
Are you and Lisa gonna get married now? I wish, but I don't know.
She's got to go to war.
What? Yeah, Iraq.
- Iraq? - Yeah.
Lisa? Yes, she's in Delta Force.
She's been deployed to Fallujah.
But she works in the croissant shop.
Yeah well, she's got two jobs.
She's a pastry chef and a sniper.
Hmm.
Well, if it makes you feel better, me and Felicia are probably gonna have to break up too.
She keeps pressuring me into sex.
"Give me some more sex.
" Oh, give me a rest for five minutes.
Cheer up, Bret.
Mmm, it's the talking stove.
Things'll work out.
Yeah? You love the talking stove.
Oh, let's make a cake.
Okay, so to sum up, basically, CD sales are going okay, but a little slower than I would have liked.
How many have you sold? One.
But I would have liked to have gotten a few more out than that.
How many have you got left? Two and a half thousand.
Can I have one? You can have a whole box.
There you go.
- Really? - Yes, take it home.
I can't store them here.
You Jemaine, you take one.
- I don't want a whole box - Take a whole box home with you.
- What am I gonna do with it? - I can't store them here.
So just take take it home.
In fact, if you can take two boxes each Murray, how many of these Have you looked in all the boxes? - Just the one.
- This one's got sawdust in it.
Oh my God.
Did you buy some sawdust as well? Open your box, Jemaine.
Look, Murray.
Sawdust.
We've been done.
I didn't tell you this, but I did the business underneath an overpass, you know, and he was dodgy from the beginning.
What, you had sex with him? No, he sold me the sawdust boxes.
Did you want to buy sawdust, though? Bret, no! I bought the CDs, didn't I? It's a lot lighter.
Did you pick them up? Of course I picked them up.
I should find Quincy Jones and let him know what his brother's up to.
He needs to know this.
Oh, I haven't got his number.
You could email him.
I'd love to email him.
Come on, Bret, you're moping.
Yeah, I just miss Lisa.
I think about her out there in Operation Sand Freedom.
- Yeah, but you're walking really - It's gonna be dangerous.
You're walking really slow.
I want to send her some croissants in a care package.
That'd be nice, right? - Don't uh.
- What? - Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, Bret.
- You didn't ship out to Iraq? - No, actually, didn't end up going to Iraq.
Oh really? Yeah oh no.
I'm shipping out tomorrow.
- Oh you are? - Yeah.
See, I told you.
She's a sniper.
I'm a sniper.
So then, maybe we should go out tonight? Tonight, no I don't I can't tonight.
- What? - Yeah, I'm sorry, but but you guys should go.
You guys should go out.
It'd be fun.
But you said you love me and? - Oh.
- You had sex on me.
No oh yeah, that was just physical.
- Just physical.
- It was just I mean, we were just we were just using each other, weren't we? - Just using each other.
- Oh, we were just using each other.
- Yeah.
- I see, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
But, anyways, it's I gotta I mean, it's really busy in here and I got to get back to work but I'd love to talk, but you know.
But it was great seeing you guys again.
I know! You see him? "I love you.
" Your real problem, Bret, is the kind of girls you go for.
You're attracted to bastards.
- Bastard girls.
- It's true.
They treat you badly and you get into a cycle of that.
- Yeah.
- You've gotta break out of that.
- Hey, guys! - Hey, Murray.
Where's your girlfriends? - They're not here.
- I knew you didn't have girlfriends.
Yes we well, Bret did.
- Yeah.
- He had one.
- This will cheer you up.
- Sort of, she didn't really - what? - Jemaine, I've sold all your CDs, - every last one of them.
- Really? - Yep.
- People liked them? I sold them to Dave.
Apparently, they're rewritable.
So he just deletes the music files and then sells them as blank CDs.
Apparently, it's worth more that way so - It's not ideal.
- It's not ideal, but yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they? Yeah, well, they're blank though.
Yeah, but they'll be out there, and you know.
- As blanks.
- Yeah.
- It's good.
- It's It's good, I know.
Just gotta find someone that'll buy this sawdust now, and I'll be complete.
- See you soon.
- See you, Murray.
- Good managing, Murray.
- Thanks, mate.
Yeah.
See that girl wasn't right for you.
Yeah, I guess she wasn't really good enough for me.
I was thinking she was too good for you.
She was actually too good for me.
Yes, a bit too pretty for you.
- Hmm.
- Too good-Iooking.
Hi.
Are you Bret? - Uh - I'm a friend of Lisa's.
I heard you like to have a good time.
I'm Bret.