Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Game Night
1 ANDREW: Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral You won't have to work double shifts anymore.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Both of you.
Hey, guys.
How was your honeymoon? Were you at a nudist colony? No, this was just Heathrow before we left.
Fatima and I broke up.
- Turns out she's in love with this guy.
- Huh? BRYCE: I like you.
I'd be mad at myself if I let you walk away - without telling you how I feel.
- I'm sorry.
I just can't.
You may have been brave once, but now you only help rich, old white people.
I just hate that people might think I'm the bad guy.
I'd like to personally fund the renovations of this whole theater.
I'm glad you came tonight, Tony.
You're someone worth remembering.
KASH: You gave me the courage to act again.
I'm happy, and it's all because of you.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
- MAYA: Well, I should head home.
- KASH: Can I walk you? It's, like, ten miles away.
Let's see how far we get.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
KASH: So you've lived in London for several months, and you still haven't had proper fish and chips? I guess I'm rarely hungry for two kinds of grease at the same time.
Okay, we need to remedy this.
That's like going to America and not being in a competition with your friends to lose your virginity.
- What? - I haven't been.
I just watch films.
[OIL SIZZLING.]
MAYA: I wish my dad would remarry.
I know he doesn't want me to feel responsible for his happiness, - but how can I not? - Oh, you're lucky.
My dad's very clear that I'm solely responsible for his happiness.
"Kashif, why is it not called Goldman, Sachs, and Khan? Can you ask? It would mean so much to me.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MAYA LAUGHS, SIGHS.]
Okay, I know I've said this a million times, but I really should head home.
Yeah, I guess we've been talking since yesterday.
And we're two blocks from your house.
Huh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Okay, um - Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Can I see you again? I don't know.
I I want to, but what about Ainsley? Am I just gonna destroy our friendship - to date someone I hardly know? - So let's get to know each other.
We don't have to date.
We can just hang out.
No, no, no, no, no.
I used to hang out with my married boss.
I promise you this will be totally platonic.
I just think we owe it to ourselves and to whatever this is to spend a little more time together.
That's all I'm asking.
Like we're researching to test the hypothesis that we should be together? Exactly.
See? You've already made it sound very unsexy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- KASH: So can I see you again? Okay, but we're not going anywhere romantic, and I'm gonna dress like I'm on my period.
Deal.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love A good kind of love, good kind of love Were you with Kash last night? Tony 2 texted me that you were at a play with Kash.
Yeah, um, Marcus got Andrew to fund this community theater, and Kash was randomly involved.
That's so weird.
Why didn't you tell me? I just I didn't want to upset you.
- I would have told you not to go.
- I know, and I had to.
You know, this was Marcus's project, and he worked really hard on it.
I'm sorry, I thought you hated Marcus.
Since when do you care about him? [SCOFFS.]
No, I I mean, I I guess I did at first, but then he, you know, kind of grew on me over time.
Like, you know when we first met Craig? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Did Kash look bad? Yeah.
Yes.
Really bad.
I think he's losing his hair.
- Good.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
TONY 2: [GROANS.]
- Morning.
- Oh, you're awake.
- Did you have a good sleep? - Mm, quite until you poked me.
[GROANS.]
So what are we doing today? "We"? You mean you're staying? I had hoped to, unless you want me to leave.
Well, I I want you to stay.
It's just, um, I don't know what to do.
- Most of my relationships don't get this far.
- Okay, well, there's no need to send out the wedding invitations just yet.
Why don't we, um Why don't we start with a cup of tea? Oh, that sounds nice.
I'd love one.
As would I.
Oh, of course.
I'll put the kettle on.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So, Nigel, it's nice to meet you.
Zara says you're the most expensive publicist that contacted her.
Guilty.
I told Zara, when she walks in here, she'll be a woman.
But when she walks out, she'll be a brand.
But we have to act fast.
Right now you're white-hot.
But reality fame doesn't last long.
I mean, we've already forgotten about Cazzandra.
- Who's that? - She happens to be the winner of Stripper Party.
She also happens to be my wife.
You need to think about how to monetize your brand.
What product would you like to endorse? Mm, a car that can fly.
More like a product that exists.
Wine, shapewear, yogurt to help you poop.
Who is Zara? And more importantly, what does she sell? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MAYA: Andrew, you can't vote yes on this immigration bill.
Calm down, Che Guevara.
Even with my vote, it won't pass.
So you just want to be on the wrong side of history for fun? This is politics.
Only by voting for this bill can I gain the support I need for my passion project.
And what is that? Elbow-patch preservation? - A retirement home for foxhounds? - No.
- Restoring Britain's historic bridges.
- [GROANS.]
Did you know that the girders of Blackfriars Bridge haven't been scrubbed since the Great Smog of 1952? And for that you're willing to ruin the lives of thousands of innocent immigrants? No, but I'm willing to pretend that I am.
What's next? You have been invited to the royal debut of Lady Elaine at the Chelsea Physic Garden.
RSVP for one? Oh, yes.
Uh uh, wait.
No, uh, I will be bringing a guest Tony, my boyfriend.
Wait, you're dating Tony 2? - And he knows? - Yes.
Why is it so hard to believe that I have a boyfriend? I am a member of Parliament, and I have my original hair.
- Okay, uh, I will RSVP for two.
- ANDREW: Mm.
I'm sure Lady Elaine will be as thrilled for you as I am.
Well, Lady Elaine is an orchid.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
I can't with this country.
I That's brilliant.
Thank you.
Hey, did you know it's bad to buy blood diamonds? Yeah, dude.
The word "blood" didn't tip you off? Are Bloody Marys bad? What am I supposed to drink for brunch? You're right.
That's exactly the same thing.
- What are you reading? - Researching for our African equities presentation.
Oh, shit.
When is that, again? Dude.
Dude, you forgot about it? Sorry.
Look, I know I've been distracted with the play, but I promise I will get my head back in the game and get started on that presentation tomorrow.
Tomorrow? A casting director who saw me in The Sound of Music got me an audition.
Oh! That's amazing! What what's it for? What, Star Wars? What? - A Marvel movie? - TV commercial for depression medicine.
- Just as cool.
- Right? Yeah, yeah, that that's just as cool.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
GEMMA: I can't stay long.
I have to drive Duffy back to Peath after he's finished tutoring Giles.
He gets bullied by teens when he takes the train.
Hmm.
Hey, is there a book of fabric samples over there? - No.
- Oh, damn it.
- I think I left it at Bryce's.
- So pick it up.
- You're always over there.
- No, things are sort of - weird with us right now.
- Why? Did he realize your rustic chic style is mostly overpriced junk from the flea market? No.
Do you think that? No, of course not.
So what happened? Oh he kissed me.
- [GASPS.]
I knew it! - What? - What did you know? - I knew you liked him.
- Oh.
- You're always going on about how clever he is and how easy he is to talk to, and it does not take five months to decorate a two-bedroom house.
I mean, it's just ordering furniture from a catalog.
Okay, you really have no respect for my job.
And you're wrong.
I do not like him.
Not like that, anyway.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS.]
All right, understood.
You know, I could pick up the samples for you.
His house is on my way to Peath.
- Really? Thank you.
- Mm.
Oh, while you're there he's terrible at keeping plants alive.
Tell him he only has to water that once a year.
How considerate of you for someone you care nothing about.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
KASH: Okay, so you said nothing romantic.
- Nope.
- So I thought I'd take you to a night of experimental jazz.
Oh, I hate jazz.
This is perfect.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, it's Ainsley.
We have to leave.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Uh, I think that's a blonde man.
No, I don't care.
This is too risky, okay? - What about your place? - I live with my dad.
[GROANS.]
God.
But I do know somewhere we can go.
- Are you sure he's okay with this? - Yeah.
He's never home 'cause he DJs at night.
And why do you have a key to his place? - I don't know, but he insisted.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, before we go in there we're just hanging out, right? Yes, I promise you.
Basheer's flat is the least romantic place in the world.
[SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Kash.
- I swear this wasn't me.
Will you marry me? - Kash.
- No, me.
Um BOTH: Congratulations.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
I love my child, but I can't afford to take the day off work for her fever.
Cough Away.
It makes the cough go away.
SINGER: Oh, I want the best for you I got so much respect for you I'll never hurt you, my dear I'm gonna try to build this trust And I don't want to fill it up With the things that you think you want to hear You've been patiently awaiting On me to say it Say it out loud And I want to 'cause I want you But I need time, time to come around 'Cause when I tell you everything I'm feeling Every word is straight from my heart If I'm speaking Say it out loud You've been patient MARCUS: Mmm.
[SLURPING.]
Mmm.
Oh.
[SLURPS.]
Mmm.
Ah.
Surprise! Oh! Hi! - [SCOFFS.]
What are you doing here? - Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
- I thought we could grab lunch.
- Oh, thank God.
I've been listening to this one slurp ramen for the last 45 minutes.
Uh, sorry, that's offensive.
You know that eating loudly is my greatest insecurity.
Hi, I'm I'm Ainsley, by the way, Maya's best friend.
Marcus.
Nice to meet you.
And sorry about your taste in friends.
He's handsome.
Seems like you two have a cute little rapport.
Cute rapport? You mean open hostility? Yeah, but in that sexy way where you're always at each other's throats, and then one day to shut each other up, you start kissing.
Okay, you're insane, and you watch too much TV.
I don't know.
I think somebody has a little crush.
- MAYA: Oh, God.
- AINSLEY: Bye, Marcus! - MAYA: Oh, my God.
- [AINSLEY LAUGHS.]
TONY 2: Oh, I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be the youngest person at a party again.
If the right song comes on, I might have to take my shirt off.
- Oh - Oh, calm down.
I'm just playing.
I know you're nervous about your scandalously handsome boyfriend being here.
I just want my friends to like you.
TONY 2: What's not to like? I'm a gay man of color who enjoys pointing out class discrimination and hypocrisy.
RUPERT: Andrew! I'd hoped you'd be here.
I wanted to thank you for supporting my immigration bill.
You're lucky to be working for such a brave man.
No, Tony doesn't work for me.
He's my date.
Rupert Everleigh, this is Tony James, a very talented interior designer.
Tony, this is the minister.
Interior design, eh? Well, what do you think of the Lady Elaine orchid, Tony? Are these hothouse flowers worth all the trouble? Oh, I love her.
Lady Elaine is a high-maintenance girl.
- I completely relate.
- [LAUGHING.]
Yes, well, I'm just glad they've chosen a native English flower this year and not one of those blasted invasive species like the Japanese knotweed.
Don't we have enough foreigners here without having to let their plants in, too? How could you say something like that? Well, if you keep out all the foreign plants, where on earth would they get a good cup of tea, Rupert? We can hardly let a hard border ruin our tea time, now, can we? [CHUCKLES.]
Uh, speaking of ruining tea time, here comes my wife.
Excuse me.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
GEORGE: Now, the acquisition of FBS allows access to billions of dollars of unregulated cash transactions.
Am I talking about arms dealing? - And what exactly are arms? - What are you doing? - Airplane mode, dick.
- I got a missed call from the casting director.
Okay, Mr.
Khan and Mr.
Thompson are going to take us through some analytics on the Central African equities markets.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
I'm so sorry.
Just one second.
I can start.
Um, good morning Okay, thanks for calling.
You know, when you think about the juncture that we are in Yes, yes! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Sorry about that.
Death in the family.
How could you fire me? You just walked out of a presentation to accept another job.
You are completely checked out.
Oh, God, what am I gonna tell my dad? Well, what's the worst that can happen, Kash? Not like you still live with him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You were the hit of the party.
You even pulled focus from Lady Elaine.
- And don't think she didn't notice.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah, well I'm glad I didn't embarrass you.
TONY 1: I'm not even joking.
I was literally there this morn.
I didn't know Oh, my God.
Hi, Tony 2.
- Tony.
Oh, my gosh.
- [BOTH SMOOCHING.]
- How are you? It's been ages.
- Yeah, and yet I look even younger, I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, fancy seeing you here.
We're just on the way to Royal Vauxhall Tavern for beef mince.
Mmm, sounds delicious.
Who's the chef there? Oh, my God.
That's hilarious.
It's a dance club.
Yes, I know.
I was joking.
- I'm Andrew Aldridge, MP.
I'm Tony's - Friend.
Well, we're actually gonna go now because this has been really boring.
Bye.
DUFFY: Wait, so Ainsley likes Bryce? GEMMA: Oh, absolutely.
- [KNOCKS AT DOOR.]
- So then what's the problem? - She doesn't know it yet.
- Oh, yeah.
- And why do I have this plant? - Shh, shh, shh.
Hello.
- I gave at church.
- Oh, actually, Bryce, we're here for Ainsley.
She said she left a book of samples here.
Oh, yeah, and it was too awkward for her to come pick them up herself? - Oh, no, that's not - That's exactly it.
- Right.
- BRYCE: I have them right here.
- Okay, have a good night.
- Oh, actually, Bryce, that's not the only reason we're here.
Could we come in for a little chat? To your first professional acting job.
Oh, Kash, I'm so happy for you.
I wish I didn't get fired in the process, but thank you.
Oh, um, I want to show you something.
Okay.
So Basheer's wedding is in a couple of weeks.
MAYA: Already? Wow, that was fast.
KASH: Yeah, well, that's what happens with these big Asian weddings.
Got to do it quick before the grandparents remember - they've got a land dispute in Pakistan.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I was thinking maybe you'd want to come with me.
Oh, uh, I don't know.
It's a wedding something you bring a girlfriend to.
Yeah, but this is a Muslim wedding.
There's no alcohol, no slow dancing.
It'll be like going on a date in the Footloose town.
Yeah, well, we don't date.
We just hang out.
You know, we've been doing this for weeks.
- How much longer are we gonna keep hanging out? - I don't know.
What about Ainsley? - I just don't know if I can do this to her.
- I get it.
- I don't want to hurt Ainsley either.
- You have nothing to lose.
I do.
What if we date for six months and it doesn't work out and Ainsley and all of my friends hate me for nothing? What if it does work out? It's all what-ifs, but at a certain point, you've got to make a decision that it's worth the risk.
Well, I don't know yet.
- Well, that sounds like a decision.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, maybe it does.
[STEEL DRUM MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Are you sure you want to eat here? - Yes, I've never had Caribbean food before.
I thought it would be nice to celebrate your culture.
You're certainly always complaining about how much we celebrate mine.
Oh, the tail of the animal how resourceful.
Look, Andrew, I, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I've been thinking, and I I don't think it's gonna work out between us.
What do you mean? My friends loved meeting you the other day.
Rupert's offered to take us on a hunting trip.
Although between you and me, I'm concerned it's a ruse to murder his wife.
I don't want to go on the hunting trip! Okay.
And what is the problem? The problem is that, you know, I I can fit into your world when I vaguely try, but I'm afraid that you don't fit into mine.
Oh, but I I can fit in.
I I'm here, and I'm excited to try a plantain - or fairly excited.
- Andrew, please stop.
Just I No, it's this isn't going to work.
- I'm sorry.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh.
MAYA: Now this dinner celebrating Lord Whitmore is that a man or a flower? Don't be ridiculous.
It's a female horse.
Of course.
Will you be bringing a plus-one? No, that won't be necessary.
Oh.
Not that it's anyone's business, but we parted ways a few weeks ago.
Andrew, I'm so sorry.
About what? I'm over it.
Tony 2? More like Tony Who? Okay, well, good to know.
I'm glad you told me, actually.
I'm seeing him tomorrow night.
- Really? Why? I don't care.
- He's coming to this game night thing - we're having at my friend Craig's.
- Oh, and who's Craig? His sexy new boy toy? Well, you can tell him and Craig that they can both go to hell.
No, uh, Craig is my friend.
He's married.
Oh, well, in that case, you best not say anything, I guess.
Get out of my office.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
CRAIG: I got to tell you, man I really miss you at work.
Plus, you know it's bad when I'm the best player on the office cricket team.
I miss you, too, mate.
- Can't say I miss Goldman.
- Yeah.
How'd your dad take it when you told him you got fired? - Oh, I haven't.
- Oh.
Tonight's Basheer and Fatima's wedding, and he's still mad that I'm not marrying her.
- I have to stagger the disappointments.
- Wait, wait, wait, - tonight's their wedding? - Yeah.
How come I wasn't invited? They came to mine.
Isn't that protocol? - It's a small thing, right? - Eh, 500 people.
Are you shitting me? Oh, hell, no.
Oh, hell, no.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS.]
AINSLEY: Hey, Maya, I'm gonna go over to Craig and Zara's early if you want to Are you okay? Are you crying? No, um, I was I was just thinking about all the dogs in the world who will never get adopted.
Yeah, that's really sad.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Um, you should go ahead to Craig's.
- I'll I'll see you there in a little bit? - Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SOFT SAD MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
- [OVEN TIMER DINGS.]
- Mmm, the Yorkshire puddings are ready.
Perfect.
Just like my nan used to make on cold winter mornings.
CRAIG: I thought you said your nan died in a knife fight at a Sex Pistols concert before you were born.
Quiet.
I'm capturing content, and you ruined it.
- One more time, love.
- Okay.
AINSLEY: Hello! - Hey! - Hey.
- Oh, what's this? - Oh, it's for Zara's brand, - and this is her new publicist.
- Hi.
Nigel.
Pleasure.
It's a pleasure to meet you, but it's also my last name.
Pleasure.
CRAIG: Huh.
Uh, where's Maya? Oh, she's coming.
There's something going on with her.
She seemed really upset when I left the house, but she wouldn't tell me what was going on.
I feel like she's been in a funk for weeks.
Do you think it's about a guy? - No, she would tell me.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Did she mention something to you? - No, but - What? - Well, Duffy said he found this love letter she wrote a few months ago.
[LAUGHING.]
He thought it was for him.
But it wasn't.
Wait.
I know exactly who it is.
It's that guy Marcus she works with.
She always gets so mad when I bring him up.
I thought it was 'cause I'm super annoying, but it turns out it's 'cause I'm super perceptive.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- BASHEER: Is my beard all right? - KASH: It's good.
Oh, God, I'm so nervous right now.
I haven't sweat this much since I was standing behind Ed Sheeran at Boots.
HAROON: Do not be nervous, beta.
My wedding day was the best day of my life.
[LAUGHS.]
His was his worst, though, isn't it? [LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna go flirt with Fatima's little sister.
At least one of us can marry well.
Oh! [IMITATES AIR HORN BLOWING.]
Get out of here.
SINGER: I've got this rhythm in my bones This beat in my head These lyrics in my veins that manifest in my pen Dance in my feet, - Punctuation my hips - Can you just take the picture? My knees are starting to lock up.
In a second.
It's not quite right.
Um, you, tall man, take the glasses off.
Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
SINGER: Soul of a warrior, strength of a queen [GROANS.]
Ah, put them back on.
[MUMBLES.]
Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Maya, maybe you should get that.
I wonder who it could be.
I don't know.
Why are you saying it like that? Weirdo.
SINGER: Loving in my heart I wear upon my sleeve Fire that'll start when you ask what I believe Marcus, what are you doing here? Your friend Ainsley called and said I had to come.
Yeah, I think she's into me.
SINGER: Nothing can stop this When you've got this beat within your soul - Hey, Ainsley.
- Hey.
Craig, what's Marcus doing here? - I thought Maya hated him.
- No.
He's who that love letter you found was for.
Oh, good, yeah.
Well, I'm glad you got that sorted out.
Hey, does my face look weird without my glasses? Yeah.
ZARA: We don't have space for another guest, Craig.
We only have seven chairs because we broke one having sex.
Okay, it's fine.
We'll just have him stand.
Okay, just promise me, - no more surprise guests.
- No more.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hello.
I'm Andrew.
Uh I have come for game night.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- What are you doing here? - Maya invited me.
She thinks I'm fun and that I would fit in well with your group of friends.
Really? So this has nothing to do with me? No, I love games.
I I love to play Scattergories.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
Sir, I'm so excited to be spending time together socially.
[CHUCKLES.]
So what's your favorite color? Oh, let me guess.
Snap.
Burgundy.
[MAYA SIGHS.]
- Why would you invite Marcus? - [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause you like him.
[SCOFFS.]
What? No, I don't.
CRAIG: Listen, we are all adults.
You don't have to be embarrassed that you want to take the D-train to Bang Town.
AINSLEY: I get why you didn't tell us, okay? You didn't want us to give you shit for dating another guy at work, but this isn't Ted.
But why would you think I like Marcus? Why don't we talk about the night of the play? You were out until 6:00 in the morning.
Are you trying to tell me that you weren't with Marcus? [SIGHS.]
You're right.
I was with Marcus that night because I like Marcus.
CRAIG: Yes, I knew it! You knew it! I knew it! Ooh! Yes.
- You guys are so hooking up tonight.
- [COUGHING.]
[GAGS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, I was so sorry to hear of your son's disastrous wedding, huh? - What a shame.
- That is ancient history.
Kashif is doing better than ever.
Killing it at Goldman Sachs.
- Really? - Mm.
I heard he was fired from his job.
Fired? [LAUGHING.]
More like fired up to earn more money than ever.
Anyway, y y you remember my son, Danir? Oh, yes, yes.
That comic-book artist.
- My heart goes out to you.
- Oh, well, he doesn't have his own office.
No, no, he works out of Starbucks on the high street.
He says that he sees Kash there all day, every day.
Danir won't be seeing him for much longer.
No, he sold one of his comic books to Marvel.
500,000-pound advance.
[SPEAKING URDU.]
Uh, um, I don't know who this one is either.
I think it's another one the old man wrote.
- Uh, and time.
- [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Sir John Anderson.
He was chancellor of the Exchequer from 1943 to 1945.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger celebrity than that.
[SCOFFS.]
I would have gotten it, sir, - if she'd have given any clues.
- Mmm.
I mean, who doesn't know John B Bargain Fl - Anderson.
- Fourth son.
Anderson.
CRAIG: Baby, why are you getting so upset? [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
So when are you gonna make your move? Oh, uh uh, no, it feels awkward now because I feel like he knows and you know and now I know he knows and everyone knows that I know he knows.
Except for him, you know? I totally get it.
Here, let me help you.
- Marcus! Marcus, come here! - MAYA: Stop.
AINSLEY: Mm, mm.
I'm so glad you could make it tonight, Marcus.
Yeah, I'm so glad you invited me.
Got me out of going to my uncle's memorial.
Uh, I have to go help Duffy with the, um, drinks, so I hope you can, uh, get to know each other.
Get to know you better? [SCOFFS.]
I think I know you pretty well.
I've seen you eat egg salad with your fingers.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES.]
CRAIG: Hey! - [AINSLEY LAUGHING.]
- ANDREW: It's, uh, rosé.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Were you fired from your job? Who told you that? Just tell me if it's true.
It's true.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Is it because you were a whistle-blower? - Maybe you'll be on Time magazine.
- No, Dad.
I was fired because I kept leaving to go to auditions 'cause I want to be an actor which is why getting fired wasn't necessarily a bad thing, you know? It's it's forcing me to do what I want.
Follow my dreams.
Your dreams? What about my dreams? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Your mother and I left everything behind to come here and work backbreaking jobs so you would never have to.
We came to a place where people look down on us, on how we look, how we talk, how we pray.
But we did it so that you could have a good life.
I just expected better from you.
Abu.
ZARA: Ladies and gentlemen, as many of you know, I've been working tirelessly to expand my brand, and tonight I'm debuting my very own board game.
- - [CLAPPING.]
"Nosecrets.
" What's "Nosecrets"? No Secrets.
Zara Presents No Secrets.
We picked a bad font.
It doesn't matter.
It's too late to fix it.
I thought it had said "Nosecrets.
" When Craig hid his secret child from me, it almost destroyed our relationship.
But we worked through it, and it inspired me to create this board game.
- Wait, what's happening? - ZARA: The aim of the game is to prove that you know everything there is to know about your friends, that you have "nosecrets" [GROANS, CHUCKLES WITH EXASPERATION.]
No secrets.
I don't really know anyone here.
Yeah, well, someone should have thought about that before inviting you.
We have the perfect amount of pieces for everyone to play - as long as no one else is coming.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That better be a Jehovah's Witness! [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Hello, I'm Bryce.
Ainsley, uh, decorated my house.
- I'm here for game night.
- For Christ's sake.
Bryce, hi! Uh, what are you doing here? Uh, well, Gemma and Duffy invited me.
I hope it's okay that I came.
Hey, I thought you told me all your friends were young and hot.
This is like an episode of The Kominsky Method.
Enough chitchat.
Pick partners.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
SINGER: I'm living on the edge, and I wanna jump off I'm giving all I've got, still it's never enough I got an appetite for more that's bigger than before Bryce what was the name of my first true love? - Oh, God.
This is dumb.
You don't have to - Adam Brody from The O.
C.
You remember that? It must have come up in conversation while you were yammering away instead of working.
[SCOFFS.]
SINGER: To the beat of a song I can sing Name a song that meant a lot to me growing up.
The Boys Are Back in Town.
Are you stupid? Do you hate winning? Uh, sorry, I auditioned with that song for X Factor and I got down to the top 1,500 auditionees.
Okay, yes, my turn.
Okay, yeah, you're never gonna get this one, but, uh, what is my favorite novel of all time? Dragon Master Seven.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not [SCOFFS.]
It's, uh, Moby-Dick.
Okay, zero points for Gemma and Duffy.
Uh, no, no, no, he's lying.
It's that porno dragon book - you're always reading.
- No, no, no, no! It's in your satchel right now! I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
- Oh, really? - Yes, I really don't - No, no, no, no, no, no! - Let's have a look, shall we? - No, no! Okay, fine! - Get off! Yes, yeah, that's my favorite book.
But it is not porn, okay? 'Cause the dragon, it has to take the princess's virginity in order to fly! What was my greatest heartbreak? The death of Margaret Thatcher? Uh, no.
While tragic, it wasn't that.
Well, it's sort of a personal story.
It's really not appropriate for a party of strangers.
Well, you have to tell because those are the rules.
Fine, all right.
Um, my, uh, greatest heartbreak was my first love, a man called Ronald Clarke.
Well, what happened? Why are you not still with him? Well, um [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
It was my fault, really.
Uh, we were together for a while.
It was a different time, and, uh I'm not sure you can understand.
I had I still have a public persona.
It matters what people think, even if I don't like what they think.
And rather than go public with our relationship I ended it.
And then He died.
AIDS.
- No, a plane crash.
- Plane crash, yeah.
And in that moment, I knew that I had made the worst mistake of my life.
I often wonder how much someone should risk for love.
And the older I get, the more I believe that the answer is Everything.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to spoil the fun.
TONY 2: Wait, you don't you don't have to go.
No, I think I do.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- Asif.
- Oh, Maya.
Do you know where Kash is? He's inside, but you can't go in dressed like that.
Oh, I thought I look nice.
Don't worry.
I'll hook you up.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Have you seen Maya? Uh, no.
She felt sick so she had to go home.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Uh, Ains - can I call you Ains? - Not really.
Right.
Um, although I've savored this delicious cat-and-mouse game tonight, we're both adults.
Let's do what adults do.
- Oh, God, no.
- No? What are you doing? Why aren't you trying to kiss Maya? Maya? [SCOFFS.]
I don't even see her as a woman.
She's just, like, a genderless adversary.
Well, that's a shame, 'cause she really cares about you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SERIOUS MUSIC.]
So what's going on? AMINA: This is when the newlyweds get to see each other's faces for the first time as husband and wife.
But they've seen each other before.
Yeah, but they haven't seen each other under the light of marriage.
Wow.
I look amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
AMINA: Now in the mirror, they can see their future.
It's the two of them together facing the rest of the world.
WOMAN: [SHOUTS IN URDU.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Bryce is getting ready to leave.
What are you doing? What do you want me to do? I don't know why you invited him to begin with.
Well, clearly you like him.
When he showed up, you made him a plate full of apps.
- You've never done that for me.
- Okay, fine.
So maybe I'm slightly attracted to Bryce.
But I don't want to date him.
I didn't move to London to be with some old American guy with no style or culture.
I could have just stayed in Texas and dated one of my dad's friends.
I mean, he is literally the opposite of Kash.
BOTH: Yes, exactly.
[ZARA CRYING.]
Hey, what's wrong? Tonight was a disaster.
Nigel said we didn't make a meaningful social-media impact.
Hashtag no one likes my game! CRAIG: Oh! [ZARA SOBBING.]
Zar, it's not a big deal.
My 15 minutes are up, Craig.
Love Chalet is old news.
Celebrity Prostitute starts tonight.
This game was supposed to be my legacy.
Hey are you sure there's not something else going on? Um [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
What are you doing here? I lied to you.
I didn't break up with you because you don't fit into my world.
That was just an excuse.
I mean, you don't, but I still like you.
I like you a lot.
You're smart and sophisticated, and and you smell good like Christmas trees.
Then why did you break up with me? Because I don't have my papers.
You're voting yes on an immigration bill, and And I'm one of the people you're voting to keep out.
So what made you change your mind? I just I realized that what we have is worth risking everything for.
I think so, too.
I'm gonna tell Ainsley the truth.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh.
Hang on.
Yeah, he's called a million times.
It must be some work emergency.
Hey.
What? I'm so, so sorry.
I know you have deep sexual feelings for me, and I'm very flattered, but we need to maintain a professional working relationship.
- What are you talking about? - Listen to me, okay? I'm not attracted to you, and I know that hurts to hear, but look, I think you're a great person.
You know, you you're very uh, punctual.
ASIF: Come on, lovebirds! The bride and groom are cutting the cake! Okay, we're coming.
MARCUS: Who was that? Sorry, are you at a wedding? I I got to go.
Uh, this has been weird.
Oh, my God.
You're still here? Was this some big joke? Why would you and Ainsley say that Maya had a thing for me? So that I can embarrass myself? I'm sorry, man.
I honestly thought she did.
Well, she just told me she doesn't, and then she hung up on me because she's at a wedding with another guy.
You know, you love games so much? How about the game Sorry? Like, I'm saying, like, say it to me.
[GROANS.]
What wedding? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Oh, shit.
What are you doing here? I want to be with you.
- What? - It just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Even though you're so much older than me and we make no sense together, I realize that just because I never pictured myself with someone like you doesn't mean it can't work, and you're a good man, and I'm confident enough in myself to not care what other people think, and this might be completely crazy, but I want to be with you.
That sucked.
I thought it was romantic.
Why would I want to be with somebody who deigns to be with me against her better judgment and despite all my flaws? Well, no, I didn't mean it like that.
No, I think you were right earlier.
I am too old too old for this shit.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Babe, you are not gonna believe this.
- I've got something to tell you.
- Well, go ahead, because whatever you have to say is not gonna top this.
[SIGHS.]
I'm pregnant.
[GASPING.]
Oh, shit! - Oh, my God! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
ZARA: This will be my legacy.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
CRAIG: Oh, my God! Oh, my SINGER: You've been patiently awaiting On me to say it Say it out loud And I want to 'cause I want you But I need time, time to come around 'Cause when I tell you everything I'm feeling Every word is straight from my heart If I'm speaking Best believe it That I mean it If I say it out loud I've been there before, I took it way too fast Hardest lesson I ever learned No, you can't throw it out and take it back That's such an easy way to get burned PERSON: Go to bed.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Both of you.
Hey, guys.
How was your honeymoon? Were you at a nudist colony? No, this was just Heathrow before we left.
Fatima and I broke up.
- Turns out she's in love with this guy.
- Huh? BRYCE: I like you.
I'd be mad at myself if I let you walk away - without telling you how I feel.
- I'm sorry.
I just can't.
You may have been brave once, but now you only help rich, old white people.
I just hate that people might think I'm the bad guy.
I'd like to personally fund the renovations of this whole theater.
I'm glad you came tonight, Tony.
You're someone worth remembering.
KASH: You gave me the courage to act again.
I'm happy, and it's all because of you.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
- MAYA: Well, I should head home.
- KASH: Can I walk you? It's, like, ten miles away.
Let's see how far we get.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
KASH: So you've lived in London for several months, and you still haven't had proper fish and chips? I guess I'm rarely hungry for two kinds of grease at the same time.
Okay, we need to remedy this.
That's like going to America and not being in a competition with your friends to lose your virginity.
- What? - I haven't been.
I just watch films.
[OIL SIZZLING.]
MAYA: I wish my dad would remarry.
I know he doesn't want me to feel responsible for his happiness, - but how can I not? - Oh, you're lucky.
My dad's very clear that I'm solely responsible for his happiness.
"Kashif, why is it not called Goldman, Sachs, and Khan? Can you ask? It would mean so much to me.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MAYA LAUGHS, SIGHS.]
Okay, I know I've said this a million times, but I really should head home.
Yeah, I guess we've been talking since yesterday.
And we're two blocks from your house.
Huh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Okay, um - Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Can I see you again? I don't know.
I I want to, but what about Ainsley? Am I just gonna destroy our friendship - to date someone I hardly know? - So let's get to know each other.
We don't have to date.
We can just hang out.
No, no, no, no, no.
I used to hang out with my married boss.
I promise you this will be totally platonic.
I just think we owe it to ourselves and to whatever this is to spend a little more time together.
That's all I'm asking.
Like we're researching to test the hypothesis that we should be together? Exactly.
See? You've already made it sound very unsexy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- KASH: So can I see you again? Okay, but we're not going anywhere romantic, and I'm gonna dress like I'm on my period.
Deal.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love A good kind of love, good kind of love Were you with Kash last night? Tony 2 texted me that you were at a play with Kash.
Yeah, um, Marcus got Andrew to fund this community theater, and Kash was randomly involved.
That's so weird.
Why didn't you tell me? I just I didn't want to upset you.
- I would have told you not to go.
- I know, and I had to.
You know, this was Marcus's project, and he worked really hard on it.
I'm sorry, I thought you hated Marcus.
Since when do you care about him? [SCOFFS.]
No, I I mean, I I guess I did at first, but then he, you know, kind of grew on me over time.
Like, you know when we first met Craig? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Did Kash look bad? Yeah.
Yes.
Really bad.
I think he's losing his hair.
- Good.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
TONY 2: [GROANS.]
- Morning.
- Oh, you're awake.
- Did you have a good sleep? - Mm, quite until you poked me.
[GROANS.]
So what are we doing today? "We"? You mean you're staying? I had hoped to, unless you want me to leave.
Well, I I want you to stay.
It's just, um, I don't know what to do.
- Most of my relationships don't get this far.
- Okay, well, there's no need to send out the wedding invitations just yet.
Why don't we, um Why don't we start with a cup of tea? Oh, that sounds nice.
I'd love one.
As would I.
Oh, of course.
I'll put the kettle on.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So, Nigel, it's nice to meet you.
Zara says you're the most expensive publicist that contacted her.
Guilty.
I told Zara, when she walks in here, she'll be a woman.
But when she walks out, she'll be a brand.
But we have to act fast.
Right now you're white-hot.
But reality fame doesn't last long.
I mean, we've already forgotten about Cazzandra.
- Who's that? - She happens to be the winner of Stripper Party.
She also happens to be my wife.
You need to think about how to monetize your brand.
What product would you like to endorse? Mm, a car that can fly.
More like a product that exists.
Wine, shapewear, yogurt to help you poop.
Who is Zara? And more importantly, what does she sell? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MAYA: Andrew, you can't vote yes on this immigration bill.
Calm down, Che Guevara.
Even with my vote, it won't pass.
So you just want to be on the wrong side of history for fun? This is politics.
Only by voting for this bill can I gain the support I need for my passion project.
And what is that? Elbow-patch preservation? - A retirement home for foxhounds? - No.
- Restoring Britain's historic bridges.
- [GROANS.]
Did you know that the girders of Blackfriars Bridge haven't been scrubbed since the Great Smog of 1952? And for that you're willing to ruin the lives of thousands of innocent immigrants? No, but I'm willing to pretend that I am.
What's next? You have been invited to the royal debut of Lady Elaine at the Chelsea Physic Garden.
RSVP for one? Oh, yes.
Uh uh, wait.
No, uh, I will be bringing a guest Tony, my boyfriend.
Wait, you're dating Tony 2? - And he knows? - Yes.
Why is it so hard to believe that I have a boyfriend? I am a member of Parliament, and I have my original hair.
- Okay, uh, I will RSVP for two.
- ANDREW: Mm.
I'm sure Lady Elaine will be as thrilled for you as I am.
Well, Lady Elaine is an orchid.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
I can't with this country.
I That's brilliant.
Thank you.
Hey, did you know it's bad to buy blood diamonds? Yeah, dude.
The word "blood" didn't tip you off? Are Bloody Marys bad? What am I supposed to drink for brunch? You're right.
That's exactly the same thing.
- What are you reading? - Researching for our African equities presentation.
Oh, shit.
When is that, again? Dude.
Dude, you forgot about it? Sorry.
Look, I know I've been distracted with the play, but I promise I will get my head back in the game and get started on that presentation tomorrow.
Tomorrow? A casting director who saw me in The Sound of Music got me an audition.
Oh! That's amazing! What what's it for? What, Star Wars? What? - A Marvel movie? - TV commercial for depression medicine.
- Just as cool.
- Right? Yeah, yeah, that that's just as cool.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
GEMMA: I can't stay long.
I have to drive Duffy back to Peath after he's finished tutoring Giles.
He gets bullied by teens when he takes the train.
Hmm.
Hey, is there a book of fabric samples over there? - No.
- Oh, damn it.
- I think I left it at Bryce's.
- So pick it up.
- You're always over there.
- No, things are sort of - weird with us right now.
- Why? Did he realize your rustic chic style is mostly overpriced junk from the flea market? No.
Do you think that? No, of course not.
So what happened? Oh he kissed me.
- [GASPS.]
I knew it! - What? - What did you know? - I knew you liked him.
- Oh.
- You're always going on about how clever he is and how easy he is to talk to, and it does not take five months to decorate a two-bedroom house.
I mean, it's just ordering furniture from a catalog.
Okay, you really have no respect for my job.
And you're wrong.
I do not like him.
Not like that, anyway.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS.]
All right, understood.
You know, I could pick up the samples for you.
His house is on my way to Peath.
- Really? Thank you.
- Mm.
Oh, while you're there he's terrible at keeping plants alive.
Tell him he only has to water that once a year.
How considerate of you for someone you care nothing about.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
KASH: Okay, so you said nothing romantic.
- Nope.
- So I thought I'd take you to a night of experimental jazz.
Oh, I hate jazz.
This is perfect.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, it's Ainsley.
We have to leave.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Uh, I think that's a blonde man.
No, I don't care.
This is too risky, okay? - What about your place? - I live with my dad.
[GROANS.]
God.
But I do know somewhere we can go.
- Are you sure he's okay with this? - Yeah.
He's never home 'cause he DJs at night.
And why do you have a key to his place? - I don't know, but he insisted.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, before we go in there we're just hanging out, right? Yes, I promise you.
Basheer's flat is the least romantic place in the world.
[SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Kash.
- I swear this wasn't me.
Will you marry me? - Kash.
- No, me.
Um BOTH: Congratulations.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
I love my child, but I can't afford to take the day off work for her fever.
Cough Away.
It makes the cough go away.
SINGER: Oh, I want the best for you I got so much respect for you I'll never hurt you, my dear I'm gonna try to build this trust And I don't want to fill it up With the things that you think you want to hear You've been patiently awaiting On me to say it Say it out loud And I want to 'cause I want you But I need time, time to come around 'Cause when I tell you everything I'm feeling Every word is straight from my heart If I'm speaking Say it out loud You've been patient MARCUS: Mmm.
[SLURPING.]
Mmm.
Oh.
[SLURPS.]
Mmm.
Ah.
Surprise! Oh! Hi! - [SCOFFS.]
What are you doing here? - Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
- I thought we could grab lunch.
- Oh, thank God.
I've been listening to this one slurp ramen for the last 45 minutes.
Uh, sorry, that's offensive.
You know that eating loudly is my greatest insecurity.
Hi, I'm I'm Ainsley, by the way, Maya's best friend.
Marcus.
Nice to meet you.
And sorry about your taste in friends.
He's handsome.
Seems like you two have a cute little rapport.
Cute rapport? You mean open hostility? Yeah, but in that sexy way where you're always at each other's throats, and then one day to shut each other up, you start kissing.
Okay, you're insane, and you watch too much TV.
I don't know.
I think somebody has a little crush.
- MAYA: Oh, God.
- AINSLEY: Bye, Marcus! - MAYA: Oh, my God.
- [AINSLEY LAUGHS.]
TONY 2: Oh, I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be the youngest person at a party again.
If the right song comes on, I might have to take my shirt off.
- Oh - Oh, calm down.
I'm just playing.
I know you're nervous about your scandalously handsome boyfriend being here.
I just want my friends to like you.
TONY 2: What's not to like? I'm a gay man of color who enjoys pointing out class discrimination and hypocrisy.
RUPERT: Andrew! I'd hoped you'd be here.
I wanted to thank you for supporting my immigration bill.
You're lucky to be working for such a brave man.
No, Tony doesn't work for me.
He's my date.
Rupert Everleigh, this is Tony James, a very talented interior designer.
Tony, this is the minister.
Interior design, eh? Well, what do you think of the Lady Elaine orchid, Tony? Are these hothouse flowers worth all the trouble? Oh, I love her.
Lady Elaine is a high-maintenance girl.
- I completely relate.
- [LAUGHING.]
Yes, well, I'm just glad they've chosen a native English flower this year and not one of those blasted invasive species like the Japanese knotweed.
Don't we have enough foreigners here without having to let their plants in, too? How could you say something like that? Well, if you keep out all the foreign plants, where on earth would they get a good cup of tea, Rupert? We can hardly let a hard border ruin our tea time, now, can we? [CHUCKLES.]
Uh, speaking of ruining tea time, here comes my wife.
Excuse me.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
GEORGE: Now, the acquisition of FBS allows access to billions of dollars of unregulated cash transactions.
Am I talking about arms dealing? - And what exactly are arms? - What are you doing? - Airplane mode, dick.
- I got a missed call from the casting director.
Okay, Mr.
Khan and Mr.
Thompson are going to take us through some analytics on the Central African equities markets.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
I'm so sorry.
Just one second.
I can start.
Um, good morning Okay, thanks for calling.
You know, when you think about the juncture that we are in Yes, yes! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Sorry about that.
Death in the family.
How could you fire me? You just walked out of a presentation to accept another job.
You are completely checked out.
Oh, God, what am I gonna tell my dad? Well, what's the worst that can happen, Kash? Not like you still live with him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You were the hit of the party.
You even pulled focus from Lady Elaine.
- And don't think she didn't notice.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah, well I'm glad I didn't embarrass you.
TONY 1: I'm not even joking.
I was literally there this morn.
I didn't know Oh, my God.
Hi, Tony 2.
- Tony.
Oh, my gosh.
- [BOTH SMOOCHING.]
- How are you? It's been ages.
- Yeah, and yet I look even younger, I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, fancy seeing you here.
We're just on the way to Royal Vauxhall Tavern for beef mince.
Mmm, sounds delicious.
Who's the chef there? Oh, my God.
That's hilarious.
It's a dance club.
Yes, I know.
I was joking.
- I'm Andrew Aldridge, MP.
I'm Tony's - Friend.
Well, we're actually gonna go now because this has been really boring.
Bye.
DUFFY: Wait, so Ainsley likes Bryce? GEMMA: Oh, absolutely.
- [KNOCKS AT DOOR.]
- So then what's the problem? - She doesn't know it yet.
- Oh, yeah.
- And why do I have this plant? - Shh, shh, shh.
Hello.
- I gave at church.
- Oh, actually, Bryce, we're here for Ainsley.
She said she left a book of samples here.
Oh, yeah, and it was too awkward for her to come pick them up herself? - Oh, no, that's not - That's exactly it.
- Right.
- BRYCE: I have them right here.
- Okay, have a good night.
- Oh, actually, Bryce, that's not the only reason we're here.
Could we come in for a little chat? To your first professional acting job.
Oh, Kash, I'm so happy for you.
I wish I didn't get fired in the process, but thank you.
Oh, um, I want to show you something.
Okay.
So Basheer's wedding is in a couple of weeks.
MAYA: Already? Wow, that was fast.
KASH: Yeah, well, that's what happens with these big Asian weddings.
Got to do it quick before the grandparents remember - they've got a land dispute in Pakistan.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I was thinking maybe you'd want to come with me.
Oh, uh, I don't know.
It's a wedding something you bring a girlfriend to.
Yeah, but this is a Muslim wedding.
There's no alcohol, no slow dancing.
It'll be like going on a date in the Footloose town.
Yeah, well, we don't date.
We just hang out.
You know, we've been doing this for weeks.
- How much longer are we gonna keep hanging out? - I don't know.
What about Ainsley? - I just don't know if I can do this to her.
- I get it.
- I don't want to hurt Ainsley either.
- You have nothing to lose.
I do.
What if we date for six months and it doesn't work out and Ainsley and all of my friends hate me for nothing? What if it does work out? It's all what-ifs, but at a certain point, you've got to make a decision that it's worth the risk.
Well, I don't know yet.
- Well, that sounds like a decision.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, maybe it does.
[STEEL DRUM MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Are you sure you want to eat here? - Yes, I've never had Caribbean food before.
I thought it would be nice to celebrate your culture.
You're certainly always complaining about how much we celebrate mine.
Oh, the tail of the animal how resourceful.
Look, Andrew, I, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I've been thinking, and I I don't think it's gonna work out between us.
What do you mean? My friends loved meeting you the other day.
Rupert's offered to take us on a hunting trip.
Although between you and me, I'm concerned it's a ruse to murder his wife.
I don't want to go on the hunting trip! Okay.
And what is the problem? The problem is that, you know, I I can fit into your world when I vaguely try, but I'm afraid that you don't fit into mine.
Oh, but I I can fit in.
I I'm here, and I'm excited to try a plantain - or fairly excited.
- Andrew, please stop.
Just I No, it's this isn't going to work.
- I'm sorry.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh.
MAYA: Now this dinner celebrating Lord Whitmore is that a man or a flower? Don't be ridiculous.
It's a female horse.
Of course.
Will you be bringing a plus-one? No, that won't be necessary.
Oh.
Not that it's anyone's business, but we parted ways a few weeks ago.
Andrew, I'm so sorry.
About what? I'm over it.
Tony 2? More like Tony Who? Okay, well, good to know.
I'm glad you told me, actually.
I'm seeing him tomorrow night.
- Really? Why? I don't care.
- He's coming to this game night thing - we're having at my friend Craig's.
- Oh, and who's Craig? His sexy new boy toy? Well, you can tell him and Craig that they can both go to hell.
No, uh, Craig is my friend.
He's married.
Oh, well, in that case, you best not say anything, I guess.
Get out of my office.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
CRAIG: I got to tell you, man I really miss you at work.
Plus, you know it's bad when I'm the best player on the office cricket team.
I miss you, too, mate.
- Can't say I miss Goldman.
- Yeah.
How'd your dad take it when you told him you got fired? - Oh, I haven't.
- Oh.
Tonight's Basheer and Fatima's wedding, and he's still mad that I'm not marrying her.
- I have to stagger the disappointments.
- Wait, wait, wait, - tonight's their wedding? - Yeah.
How come I wasn't invited? They came to mine.
Isn't that protocol? - It's a small thing, right? - Eh, 500 people.
Are you shitting me? Oh, hell, no.
Oh, hell, no.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS.]
AINSLEY: Hey, Maya, I'm gonna go over to Craig and Zara's early if you want to Are you okay? Are you crying? No, um, I was I was just thinking about all the dogs in the world who will never get adopted.
Yeah, that's really sad.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Um, you should go ahead to Craig's.
- I'll I'll see you there in a little bit? - Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SOFT SAD MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
- [OVEN TIMER DINGS.]
- Mmm, the Yorkshire puddings are ready.
Perfect.
Just like my nan used to make on cold winter mornings.
CRAIG: I thought you said your nan died in a knife fight at a Sex Pistols concert before you were born.
Quiet.
I'm capturing content, and you ruined it.
- One more time, love.
- Okay.
AINSLEY: Hello! - Hey! - Hey.
- Oh, what's this? - Oh, it's for Zara's brand, - and this is her new publicist.
- Hi.
Nigel.
Pleasure.
It's a pleasure to meet you, but it's also my last name.
Pleasure.
CRAIG: Huh.
Uh, where's Maya? Oh, she's coming.
There's something going on with her.
She seemed really upset when I left the house, but she wouldn't tell me what was going on.
I feel like she's been in a funk for weeks.
Do you think it's about a guy? - No, she would tell me.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Did she mention something to you? - No, but - What? - Well, Duffy said he found this love letter she wrote a few months ago.
[LAUGHING.]
He thought it was for him.
But it wasn't.
Wait.
I know exactly who it is.
It's that guy Marcus she works with.
She always gets so mad when I bring him up.
I thought it was 'cause I'm super annoying, but it turns out it's 'cause I'm super perceptive.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- BASHEER: Is my beard all right? - KASH: It's good.
Oh, God, I'm so nervous right now.
I haven't sweat this much since I was standing behind Ed Sheeran at Boots.
HAROON: Do not be nervous, beta.
My wedding day was the best day of my life.
[LAUGHS.]
His was his worst, though, isn't it? [LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna go flirt with Fatima's little sister.
At least one of us can marry well.
Oh! [IMITATES AIR HORN BLOWING.]
Get out of here.
SINGER: I've got this rhythm in my bones This beat in my head These lyrics in my veins that manifest in my pen Dance in my feet, - Punctuation my hips - Can you just take the picture? My knees are starting to lock up.
In a second.
It's not quite right.
Um, you, tall man, take the glasses off.
Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
SINGER: Soul of a warrior, strength of a queen [GROANS.]
Ah, put them back on.
[MUMBLES.]
Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Maya, maybe you should get that.
I wonder who it could be.
I don't know.
Why are you saying it like that? Weirdo.
SINGER: Loving in my heart I wear upon my sleeve Fire that'll start when you ask what I believe Marcus, what are you doing here? Your friend Ainsley called and said I had to come.
Yeah, I think she's into me.
SINGER: Nothing can stop this When you've got this beat within your soul - Hey, Ainsley.
- Hey.
Craig, what's Marcus doing here? - I thought Maya hated him.
- No.
He's who that love letter you found was for.
Oh, good, yeah.
Well, I'm glad you got that sorted out.
Hey, does my face look weird without my glasses? Yeah.
ZARA: We don't have space for another guest, Craig.
We only have seven chairs because we broke one having sex.
Okay, it's fine.
We'll just have him stand.
Okay, just promise me, - no more surprise guests.
- No more.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hello.
I'm Andrew.
Uh I have come for game night.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- What are you doing here? - Maya invited me.
She thinks I'm fun and that I would fit in well with your group of friends.
Really? So this has nothing to do with me? No, I love games.
I I love to play Scattergories.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
Sir, I'm so excited to be spending time together socially.
[CHUCKLES.]
So what's your favorite color? Oh, let me guess.
Snap.
Burgundy.
[MAYA SIGHS.]
- Why would you invite Marcus? - [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause you like him.
[SCOFFS.]
What? No, I don't.
CRAIG: Listen, we are all adults.
You don't have to be embarrassed that you want to take the D-train to Bang Town.
AINSLEY: I get why you didn't tell us, okay? You didn't want us to give you shit for dating another guy at work, but this isn't Ted.
But why would you think I like Marcus? Why don't we talk about the night of the play? You were out until 6:00 in the morning.
Are you trying to tell me that you weren't with Marcus? [SIGHS.]
You're right.
I was with Marcus that night because I like Marcus.
CRAIG: Yes, I knew it! You knew it! I knew it! Ooh! Yes.
- You guys are so hooking up tonight.
- [COUGHING.]
[GAGS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, I was so sorry to hear of your son's disastrous wedding, huh? - What a shame.
- That is ancient history.
Kashif is doing better than ever.
Killing it at Goldman Sachs.
- Really? - Mm.
I heard he was fired from his job.
Fired? [LAUGHING.]
More like fired up to earn more money than ever.
Anyway, y y you remember my son, Danir? Oh, yes, yes.
That comic-book artist.
- My heart goes out to you.
- Oh, well, he doesn't have his own office.
No, no, he works out of Starbucks on the high street.
He says that he sees Kash there all day, every day.
Danir won't be seeing him for much longer.
No, he sold one of his comic books to Marvel.
500,000-pound advance.
[SPEAKING URDU.]
Uh, um, I don't know who this one is either.
I think it's another one the old man wrote.
- Uh, and time.
- [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Sir John Anderson.
He was chancellor of the Exchequer from 1943 to 1945.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger celebrity than that.
[SCOFFS.]
I would have gotten it, sir, - if she'd have given any clues.
- Mmm.
I mean, who doesn't know John B Bargain Fl - Anderson.
- Fourth son.
Anderson.
CRAIG: Baby, why are you getting so upset? [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
So when are you gonna make your move? Oh, uh uh, no, it feels awkward now because I feel like he knows and you know and now I know he knows and everyone knows that I know he knows.
Except for him, you know? I totally get it.
Here, let me help you.
- Marcus! Marcus, come here! - MAYA: Stop.
AINSLEY: Mm, mm.
I'm so glad you could make it tonight, Marcus.
Yeah, I'm so glad you invited me.
Got me out of going to my uncle's memorial.
Uh, I have to go help Duffy with the, um, drinks, so I hope you can, uh, get to know each other.
Get to know you better? [SCOFFS.]
I think I know you pretty well.
I've seen you eat egg salad with your fingers.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES.]
CRAIG: Hey! - [AINSLEY LAUGHING.]
- ANDREW: It's, uh, rosé.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Were you fired from your job? Who told you that? Just tell me if it's true.
It's true.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Is it because you were a whistle-blower? - Maybe you'll be on Time magazine.
- No, Dad.
I was fired because I kept leaving to go to auditions 'cause I want to be an actor which is why getting fired wasn't necessarily a bad thing, you know? It's it's forcing me to do what I want.
Follow my dreams.
Your dreams? What about my dreams? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Your mother and I left everything behind to come here and work backbreaking jobs so you would never have to.
We came to a place where people look down on us, on how we look, how we talk, how we pray.
But we did it so that you could have a good life.
I just expected better from you.
Abu.
ZARA: Ladies and gentlemen, as many of you know, I've been working tirelessly to expand my brand, and tonight I'm debuting my very own board game.
- - [CLAPPING.]
"Nosecrets.
" What's "Nosecrets"? No Secrets.
Zara Presents No Secrets.
We picked a bad font.
It doesn't matter.
It's too late to fix it.
I thought it had said "Nosecrets.
" When Craig hid his secret child from me, it almost destroyed our relationship.
But we worked through it, and it inspired me to create this board game.
- Wait, what's happening? - ZARA: The aim of the game is to prove that you know everything there is to know about your friends, that you have "nosecrets" [GROANS, CHUCKLES WITH EXASPERATION.]
No secrets.
I don't really know anyone here.
Yeah, well, someone should have thought about that before inviting you.
We have the perfect amount of pieces for everyone to play - as long as no one else is coming.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That better be a Jehovah's Witness! [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Hello, I'm Bryce.
Ainsley, uh, decorated my house.
- I'm here for game night.
- For Christ's sake.
Bryce, hi! Uh, what are you doing here? Uh, well, Gemma and Duffy invited me.
I hope it's okay that I came.
Hey, I thought you told me all your friends were young and hot.
This is like an episode of The Kominsky Method.
Enough chitchat.
Pick partners.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
SINGER: I'm living on the edge, and I wanna jump off I'm giving all I've got, still it's never enough I got an appetite for more that's bigger than before Bryce what was the name of my first true love? - Oh, God.
This is dumb.
You don't have to - Adam Brody from The O.
C.
You remember that? It must have come up in conversation while you were yammering away instead of working.
[SCOFFS.]
SINGER: To the beat of a song I can sing Name a song that meant a lot to me growing up.
The Boys Are Back in Town.
Are you stupid? Do you hate winning? Uh, sorry, I auditioned with that song for X Factor and I got down to the top 1,500 auditionees.
Okay, yes, my turn.
Okay, yeah, you're never gonna get this one, but, uh, what is my favorite novel of all time? Dragon Master Seven.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not [SCOFFS.]
It's, uh, Moby-Dick.
Okay, zero points for Gemma and Duffy.
Uh, no, no, no, he's lying.
It's that porno dragon book - you're always reading.
- No, no, no, no! It's in your satchel right now! I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
- Oh, really? - Yes, I really don't - No, no, no, no, no, no! - Let's have a look, shall we? - No, no! Okay, fine! - Get off! Yes, yeah, that's my favorite book.
But it is not porn, okay? 'Cause the dragon, it has to take the princess's virginity in order to fly! What was my greatest heartbreak? The death of Margaret Thatcher? Uh, no.
While tragic, it wasn't that.
Well, it's sort of a personal story.
It's really not appropriate for a party of strangers.
Well, you have to tell because those are the rules.
Fine, all right.
Um, my, uh, greatest heartbreak was my first love, a man called Ronald Clarke.
Well, what happened? Why are you not still with him? Well, um [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
It was my fault, really.
Uh, we were together for a while.
It was a different time, and, uh I'm not sure you can understand.
I had I still have a public persona.
It matters what people think, even if I don't like what they think.
And rather than go public with our relationship I ended it.
And then He died.
AIDS.
- No, a plane crash.
- Plane crash, yeah.
And in that moment, I knew that I had made the worst mistake of my life.
I often wonder how much someone should risk for love.
And the older I get, the more I believe that the answer is Everything.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to spoil the fun.
TONY 2: Wait, you don't you don't have to go.
No, I think I do.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- Asif.
- Oh, Maya.
Do you know where Kash is? He's inside, but you can't go in dressed like that.
Oh, I thought I look nice.
Don't worry.
I'll hook you up.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Have you seen Maya? Uh, no.
She felt sick so she had to go home.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Uh, Ains - can I call you Ains? - Not really.
Right.
Um, although I've savored this delicious cat-and-mouse game tonight, we're both adults.
Let's do what adults do.
- Oh, God, no.
- No? What are you doing? Why aren't you trying to kiss Maya? Maya? [SCOFFS.]
I don't even see her as a woman.
She's just, like, a genderless adversary.
Well, that's a shame, 'cause she really cares about you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SERIOUS MUSIC.]
So what's going on? AMINA: This is when the newlyweds get to see each other's faces for the first time as husband and wife.
But they've seen each other before.
Yeah, but they haven't seen each other under the light of marriage.
Wow.
I look amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
AMINA: Now in the mirror, they can see their future.
It's the two of them together facing the rest of the world.
WOMAN: [SHOUTS IN URDU.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Bryce is getting ready to leave.
What are you doing? What do you want me to do? I don't know why you invited him to begin with.
Well, clearly you like him.
When he showed up, you made him a plate full of apps.
- You've never done that for me.
- Okay, fine.
So maybe I'm slightly attracted to Bryce.
But I don't want to date him.
I didn't move to London to be with some old American guy with no style or culture.
I could have just stayed in Texas and dated one of my dad's friends.
I mean, he is literally the opposite of Kash.
BOTH: Yes, exactly.
[ZARA CRYING.]
Hey, what's wrong? Tonight was a disaster.
Nigel said we didn't make a meaningful social-media impact.
Hashtag no one likes my game! CRAIG: Oh! [ZARA SOBBING.]
Zar, it's not a big deal.
My 15 minutes are up, Craig.
Love Chalet is old news.
Celebrity Prostitute starts tonight.
This game was supposed to be my legacy.
Hey are you sure there's not something else going on? Um [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
What are you doing here? I lied to you.
I didn't break up with you because you don't fit into my world.
That was just an excuse.
I mean, you don't, but I still like you.
I like you a lot.
You're smart and sophisticated, and and you smell good like Christmas trees.
Then why did you break up with me? Because I don't have my papers.
You're voting yes on an immigration bill, and And I'm one of the people you're voting to keep out.
So what made you change your mind? I just I realized that what we have is worth risking everything for.
I think so, too.
I'm gonna tell Ainsley the truth.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh.
Hang on.
Yeah, he's called a million times.
It must be some work emergency.
Hey.
What? I'm so, so sorry.
I know you have deep sexual feelings for me, and I'm very flattered, but we need to maintain a professional working relationship.
- What are you talking about? - Listen to me, okay? I'm not attracted to you, and I know that hurts to hear, but look, I think you're a great person.
You know, you you're very uh, punctual.
ASIF: Come on, lovebirds! The bride and groom are cutting the cake! Okay, we're coming.
MARCUS: Who was that? Sorry, are you at a wedding? I I got to go.
Uh, this has been weird.
Oh, my God.
You're still here? Was this some big joke? Why would you and Ainsley say that Maya had a thing for me? So that I can embarrass myself? I'm sorry, man.
I honestly thought she did.
Well, she just told me she doesn't, and then she hung up on me because she's at a wedding with another guy.
You know, you love games so much? How about the game Sorry? Like, I'm saying, like, say it to me.
[GROANS.]
What wedding? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Oh, shit.
What are you doing here? I want to be with you.
- What? - It just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Even though you're so much older than me and we make no sense together, I realize that just because I never pictured myself with someone like you doesn't mean it can't work, and you're a good man, and I'm confident enough in myself to not care what other people think, and this might be completely crazy, but I want to be with you.
That sucked.
I thought it was romantic.
Why would I want to be with somebody who deigns to be with me against her better judgment and despite all my flaws? Well, no, I didn't mean it like that.
No, I think you were right earlier.
I am too old too old for this shit.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Babe, you are not gonna believe this.
- I've got something to tell you.
- Well, go ahead, because whatever you have to say is not gonna top this.
[SIGHS.]
I'm pregnant.
[GASPING.]
Oh, shit! - Oh, my God! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
ZARA: This will be my legacy.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
CRAIG: Oh, my God! Oh, my SINGER: You've been patiently awaiting On me to say it Say it out loud And I want to 'cause I want you But I need time, time to come around 'Cause when I tell you everything I'm feeling Every word is straight from my heart If I'm speaking Best believe it That I mean it If I say it out loud I've been there before, I took it way too fast Hardest lesson I ever learned No, you can't throw it out and take it back That's such an easy way to get burned PERSON: Go to bed.