Frasier (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Just before you go,
I have graded your papers.
- Thank you, Professor Crane.
- [CHUCKLES]: You know,
I'm-I'm not one to get
hung up on titles and such,
but I am technically not a professor.
I am an adjunct visiting guest lecturer
in residence.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Crane.
Dr. Crane will suffice. Thank you.
Oh, man. I'm nervous.
My coach says
if I get another bad grade,
he's gonna bench me.
I can only imagine
what you're going through.
- Thanks, man. I
- 'Cause I've gotten straight A's
my whole life, so
I can only imagine.
Coach says I'm already on thin ice.
Sorry, hockey lingo.
Well, if you need help, I can tutor you.
Uh, it can end there, but I'm
also open to an offbeat friendship.
Have a nice weekend, everyone.
Oh, my God.
I got a B.
Oh, my God.
I got a B!
- We got the same grade?
- We got the same grade!
We're brain twins. Up top.
Ah. There's my favorite head of
the Harvard psychology department.
Oh, I recognize that buttery tone.
Frasier wants something from you.
Most likely feedback
from the memoir he's penning.
Nonsense. And how could you read
my entire life saga
and have your only note be "more Alan"?
No, no. You're misquoting me entirely.
My note was "less Frasier."
How can I help you, Dr. Crane?
Yes, uh, exactly.
Uh, please, come and sit.
It's this whole
"Dr. Crane" business, you see?
It sounds a bit clunky, doesn't it?
Now, "Professor Crane"
that has a certain je ne sais quoi.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, I'd say exactly quoi.
The title of professor connotes status.
Yes, but it's more than status.
It also connotes legitimacy.
Look, Dr. Crane, most educators
spend years lecturing
before the academic review board
even considers them for professorship.
Long gone are the years where
unearned professor titles
are just handed out
to any Tom, Dick or Alan.
Actually, I have a lesson right now.
But I've got my shoes off, so, meh.
Surely, there must be some
sort of an alternate route
to professorship
uh, a Crane lane, if you will.
ALAN: Well, you know, Olivia,
Frasier and I have
the same level of education.
We have the same experience
as psychiatrists.
We're basically doing the same job,
except that I'm a professor
and he's not.
And you think that's unfair?
No, I'm just gloating.
Can't you just get me
in front of the review board?
I'm sure I could convince them
if they would just hear my case.
Mm, mm-mm. I worry it's too soon.
How can you justify skipping
over years of hard work?
Listen, I am one of the
most well-known psychiatrists
of our generation.
I have multiple Ivy League degrees.
And I'm an Emmy winner.
Daytime Emmy.
Okay, I will get you
a meeting with the board.
And a little tip:
Provost Sharma is the chair.
If you can win him over,
the rest of the board will fall in line.
Perhaps you could arrange a one-on-one
- before the board meeting?
- No, no, no, no, no.
That-that would be unethical
for me to get involved.
It's such a shame because
I'm meeting with him tonight.
Gosh, if only you knew where and when,
you could stop by and say hello.
Could you give me a hint?
Well [CHUCKLES]
That's between me
and my calendar, Dr. Crane.
Why are you being so damn coy?
Dr. Crane, I can't tell you.
Olivia, why are you being
so deliberat
Just look at the damn tablet!
All my Oh!
Thank you!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Whereas,
you know, Kierkegaard argued
that life is struggle.
So-so-so the very act
of searching for his son is, in essence,
nothing more than
a reclamation of purpose,
but, but, but, but
once completed,
life
loses all meaning.
Wow.
And I thought Finding Nemo
was just about fish.
Freddy, what's going on?
Are you pontificating?
When Freddy gets drunk,
he gets wicked smart.
[SPUTTERS] That's so reductive.
See? He sounds like you. What a nerd.
Guys, please, Freddy doesn't
get smart when he drinks.
He's always smart.
It just comes out more
when he's had a few beers.
Like your accent, Moose.
Accent? That's slander. That's malarkey.
That's Okay, I'm hearing it.
So you sublimate
your natural intelligence
in order to blend in with your peers.
Except when you drink alcohol,
which makes you diminish
your inclination to obfuscate your wit.
Jesus, you must be wasted.
Okay, guys. Look, just
'cause, on occasion,
I will extemporaneously
- Aw
- [LAUGHS]
Oh. Oh, my son.
My beautiful boy.
I knew you were
still in there somewhere.
Tell me, do you still remember French?
Bien sûr, Papa.
[LAUGHS] Holy crap!
He sounds like the candle
from that movie.
Dr. Crane, a word?
Now, I know I may not
"pay rent" or "utilities,"
and, yes, I may have
semi-permanently borrowed
- your immersion blender, but
- Oh.
I thought I lost that.
I bought a new one.
Oh, great. We're good, then.
But, technically, you are my landlord.
And, uh, the heater's on the fritz,
the buzzer's broken,
and there is a beehive
right outside the front entrance.
I am a Freudian therapist.
What you need is
a bee-hive-ioral therapist.
[LAUGHING]
I'm working extra shifts
to afford a new crib
- for my infant son.
- Yes, all right.
I'll get on it right away.
Oh, oh. That's Provost Sharma.
Uh, I'm trying to impress him.
Would you get me a Bordeaux, please?
Uh, no, no, no.
Make it a a Hibiki 21.
And-and please, try to imply
that I appreciate the finer things.
Can do. And also, uh, when you tip,
just remember the distance
between our tax brackets.
- Dr. Finch.
- [CHUCKLING]: Well, Dr. Crane.
What a surprise I did not
expect or choreograph.
Do you remember Provost Sharma?
Oh, I believe we met briefly
- at the club.
- FRASIER: Yes.
- Dev Sharma. Charmed.
- FRASIER: Yes, of course.
What a pleasure to see you.
And such a pleasure to be in the company
of a fine administrator.
You make Provost DuBois
look like Provost Rigby.
Well, someone's a regular
Provost Schechter.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Oh, Olivia, he is delightful.
- Oh
Oh, actually, don't you have a meeting
with the review board coming up
about becoming a professor?
Oh, I I'd completely forgotten.
Between all my lectures and my memoirs
and the charity work I do secretly,
which I don't talk about because
that's not the reason I do it.
[LAUGHS] I'm so glad I came.
You know, I was on the fence
when I realized
we were meeting at a bar.
- Oh?
- I'm so sorry.
I'm just sensitive
about our faculty drinking.
We've had some issues lately.
I don't want people
to think our educators are
gin-soaked booze hounds swilling about
with no regard for academia.
Frasier!
I completely agree with that.
Oh, my goodness.
The bar is not a place
for a Harvard man.
But I The only reason I came in here
was to actually get directions
to the Boston Symphony.
[LAUGHS] So, you're
not much of a drinker?
Oh, no. Uh, once in a very great while,
I will occasionally have
Oh, Dr. Crane, there you are.
I forgot if you wanted
your usual wine or whiskey.
Oh, barkeep. [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
You've got me mistaken
with someone else, surely.
Don't be so modest.
- No, no. Eve. Eve.
- This man here
he's our best customer.
- Eve. Eve. Eve.
- He's tried every vintage in the house.
- Eve. Okay. Okay, thank you.
- Rye, whiskey, domestic, imported
Thank you very much.
I-I tell you,
trust me, the consumption of alcohol
is not something I condone.
Hey, Dad! Dad, Dad
[LAUGHING]
If you loved how drunk I was before,
you should see me now.
Townies.
I never go into bars.
I knew I'd find you here.
In the bar, as usual.
Oh, look at the time or whatever.
I'm so glad that you two met.
Talk soon. Bye. Let's go.
What is so important, David?
I have never gotten a B in my life.
What's next I get a face tattoo
that reads "Do crime"?
David, B is the second highest
academic grade.
It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Have you ever gotten a B, Uncle?
Well, since I'm not
at the bottom of the Charles
with rocks in my pockets, I suppose not.
I do understand your position, so
every student may rewrite a paper
and then take the average grade
between the two.
Thank you, Uncle.
I'll have it to you by tomorrow.
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
Take the weekend.
Surely, you have
some sort of social commit
Oh, tomorrow's fine.
Well, Professor Crane
is not something I will be
calling you anytime soon.
Provost Sharma thinks you are a drunk.
- Mm.
- I don't know why.
Can I have one of your two drinks?
Yeah, help yourself.
So, what do we do now?
Well, I think that our plan
is that now you bow out
and you apply again next year.
Hmm.
Tempting.
Tempting. Hmm.
Or
you could invite him
to one of my lectures
and let him see me at my best.
Oh, please, please, Olivia, please.
This is so important to me.
Okay. I think I can
get him to one lecture.
This means I don't
have to read your memoir.
[SCOFFS] Well, it's your loss.
The working title is
Becoming Dr. Crane: A Hero Mid-journey.
Hey, buddy.
Everything okay?
Uh, it is now.
Your father gave me an 86.
But he's letting me rewrite the paper.
He'll average the two grades.
I can still get an A.
Eh I don't know.
'Cause, you know, if an A is still 93,
for those two to average out,
you need to get a 100.
God, you're good with numbers.
We got to get you to Atlantic City.
My cousin lives there could
use some help on his taxes.
So, a perfect score
or I won't get an A?
What if I can't do it?
My father's gonna be so angry.
I can hear him now.
"David, I'm sending you
to trade school."
Come on.
Uncle Niles would never
send you to trade school.
No, that's what he calls UPenn.
Oh, God.
My entire future is riding
on this paper about BF Skinner.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
your paper's on Skinner?
[LAUGHING]: Oh, come on, man,
that'll be so much fun.
I mean, the guy defined behaviorism,
plus he was the first person
to successfully argue
that free will itself is
an illusion.
Excuse me, I've had a few.
[COIN CLATTERS]
Wait. So, when you drink,
you become more inclined
to scholarly dialogue?
And close-up magic.
Which we hate.
Cousin, you're in no condition to drive.
Perhaps I'll be your designated driver.
Maybe we can chat about
old Skinner on the way.
Okay, sure. Yeah, but not just yet,
'cause I just refilled my glass.
Or
- Oh!
- did I?
No, no, no. You had enough.
Get on out. Come on, let's go.
[PRINTER WHIRRING]
- Morning, Freddy.
- [GROANS]
Morning?
Oh, God, did I sleep here?
Oh, buddy, there wasn't much sleeping.
- Wait.
- That's right.
We banged all night. The paper out.
I don't know why I phrased it like that.
I mean, I did all the writing,
but thanks to you,
I'm definitely getting an A.
- Look.
- [GROANS] Oh, great.
Just the thing for a hangover.
David!
I'm so ready to study for the
Who the hell is this?
It's nobody.
I'm Freddy, his cousin.
We-we met. You're his, uh
Study buddy.
And I thought we were exclusive.
S-Saara, I can explain.
[LAUGHS] Save it.
Mm.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, Dr. Crane,
- that lecture was brilliant.
- Thank you.
Your students were so engaged.
Yes, well, my rapport with the students
is of the utmost importance to me.
- Excuse me.
- Not now.
Well, thank you for letting us
drop in, Dr. Crane.
- Shall we
- Discuss this over coffee in my office?
[CHUCKLES]
Olivia, you are a mind reader.
You should be head of
the psych-ic department.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I do get premonitions.
Right now I'm hearing a voice screaming,
"Quit while you're ahead."
Oh, I wonder what that
could possibly mean.
Beats me. See you both in five.
- Alan.
- Mm?
The provost will be here any minute.
I don't want him thinking
this is some sort
of a-a boozy clubhouse.
Will you please just guzzle that?
Guzzle?
Can't a man savor
a pre-dinner cocktail in peace?
It's 11:00 a.m.
All right, I'll just
pop it in the coffee.
- Hi, Uncle. Here's my rewrite.
- Yes, thank you, David.
Uh, leave before the provost comes
Ah, Provost Sharma.
I was just having a one-on-one salon
with one of my struggling students.
OLIVIA: That's our Dr. Crane.
Always going that extra,
ill-advised mile.
- How wonderful.
- Ah, well. Please, off you go, then.
No, no, no.
Please don't let me interrupt.
Why don't you join us for coffee?
Yes.
Yes, what a-a great idea.
You know, that reminds me
of a treatise I recently read.
Uh, The Influence of Slang
in the Destruction of Societal Norms.
I wrote that.
- You did not.
- [SIGHS]
My goodness.
May I say that was just
fantastic writing.
I mean, if you don't mind
my use of slang,
uh, that paper was popping off.
[LAUGHING]
In my third reading, I realized
What happened to the coffee?
I moved them over here.
Wait, that coffee is
[SIGHS] A shame.
I wish I had a honeybun to go with this.
They're my favorite.
Yes, well, here, why don't you
come and take a seat
and, uh, yeah, tell us about
your-your love of honeybuns.
Oh, well, I'm sure you're thinking,
- "What even really is a honeybun?"
- [MOUTHING]
Now, I prefer a homemade bun.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Look at me, prattling on.
- [LAUGHING]
- It's intoxicating.
Like one of these coffees.
For the love of God,
finish your thought.
FRASIER: Yes, these honeybuns
uh, do you like them with, uh, pecans?
Oh, well, yes.
You would think that
the nuttiness would fight
the flavor of the bun, right?
Wrong! They go together beautifully.
It's a delicious duo.
[CHUCKLING] Anyhow
To a great lecture.
Oh, wait, wait. Uh, you know,
that just might be a little too hot
or-or even too cold.
The thing is, you should
just put it down.
Dr. Crane, are you all right?
Yes, of course I am. Uh,
it's just, I suddenly realized
that that was my coffee
and, uh, I would rather, um
Well, let's just trade.
[CHUCKLES] I see now.
But you already drank from that,
so I'll just keep this one.
Cheers.
Dr. Crane, did you put brandy
in this coffee?
I've got this one for you.
Provost Sharma,
it was actually rum.
Quite the gesture.
Oh, wow. Dad, smells great
in here. What you making?
Pastries.
Oh, did you, uh, close the door?
There are bees in the vestibule.
Oh, yeah. Ugh, sorry about that.
I got to get my landlord on that.
Get on that.
Why are you making pastries?
Well, I've embarrassed myself
twice with Provost Sharma
in my attempts to get a professorship.
So you're being responsible,
cutting your losses,
and trying again next year.
I'm kidding, of course.
Please tell me your stupid plan.
I've made his favorite
homemade honeybuns.
Which will pair perfectly
with the rousing speech
I've prepared for the review board.
Ah, you're making honeybuns.
And I called the plan stupid.
A B minus?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
You gave his paper a B-minus?
Well, the thesis lacked clarity
and the execution was sloppy.
Hey! I mean [SCOFFS]
[CHUCKLING]: Hey.
You guys are the brainiacs.
Uh, you know, I
All I know is "fire hot, water cold."
But, uh
you didn't think there was
something kind of stirring about
the section tying Skinner's
foundation of behaviorism
to Ernst Mach's view
on mediating structures
or, like, whatever?
Why are you so invested
in David's paper?
I'm not. You are. What? I
[SCOFFS] Go, Pats! Whatever, dweebs.
I was talking to the registrar.
You don't even have to submit
a grade till Sunday.
At least permit me to make
a calm, evenhanded oral defense.
David, accept your grade.
Listen to me, old man!
I am not explaining a B to my father.
I will throw you out that window.
We're on the first floor.
I'll do it as many times as it takes.
[BEE BUZZING]
Aah! Aah, bee sting.
- Are you all right, Uncle?
- Well, yes, yes.
But if I don't do something,
I could get all splotchy.
Uh, listen, do you still
have your-your EpiPen?
Uh, yes, you mean
- this EpiPen?
- Great. God bless you.
Give me the shot. Thank you.
David.
So it would seem I'm not
the only one of us who's been
stung by a B.
David!
You want my epinephrine,
I want 60 seconds
to show you how well I know Skinner.
Whoa, whoa, wait,
you've been stung by a bee?
David, give him your EpiPen.
No, it's all right.
It's all right.
Sit down.
You have 60 seconds. Go!
Psychology asks the question,
"Why do we do what we do?"
Applied behavioral analysis
is the answer,
and Skinner's key assertions
reverberate to this day.
Why do I want this A?
Why do you want to be a professor?
The answer is that we can't help
but pursue those things.
You didn't choose
to make those pastries.
I didn't choose to corner
the very frightened registrar
in the dining hall until he
told me the grading policy. No.
A lifetime of punishments
and rewards has conditioned us
to always seek out the highest grade,
the highest title,
no matter what it may cost us.
That is what determines our behavior.
That is what makes us Cranes!
I'm sorry, I can't go
higher than a B-plus.
Are you kidding me?
No, no, it seemed desperate
and heavy-handed.
I'm sorry, I did
- Oh.
- All right.
You got to go to the hospital
after an epinephrine shot.
I'll take you.
It's true.
Could cause dizziness or worse.
- I could drive you for an A.
- FRASIER: Oh, Lord.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
- I have to get to that board meeting.
- Whoa, Dad,
Dad, Dad, Dad, what are you doing?
You-You're already going kind of red.
You need to see a doctor.
You're right. You're right.
I'll tell you what.
Um, will you just get my keys
out of the kitchen,
then you can drive me to the ER.
See you both in hell, suckers!
[LAUGHS]
I'm gonna be a professor!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Should we be worried about Dr. Crane?
He's awfully late.
Uh, good point.
Well, maybe we should just adjourn
and see where he's at next year.
[THUDDING]
FRASIER [VOICE BREAKING]:
How's this doorknob work?!
I said adjourn.
Shut it down, shut it down!
[SLURRING]: My son took my keys away.
But that didn't stop me. [GIGGLES]
Oh, good, he's unhinged.
I made your favorites. Honeybuns.
[PANTING]: You know, I'm
I'm a bit a bit unsteady.
I just took a shot.
I think we should get you
some professional help.
Ugh! You sound like my family.
- Dr. Crane
- Provost Sharma, please.
I have the floor.
[LAUGHS]
I'll call 911 while you put
Dr. Crane on probation.
Yep, I'm almost done with the paperwork.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Freddy. What are you doing here?
Just wanted to see how you're doing.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Everything okay?
I can't believe I let
my desire for a good grade
drive me to almost harm my uncle.
I realized there's only one way
to atone for this.
I'm dropping out of Harvard.
Wow. That's a big decision.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, don't worry about me.
Got it all planned out.
I'm gonna become a fireman.
Uh-huh.
David, uh
are you sure you've thought
this all the way through?
Of course.
Being a fireman is,
like, medium hard, right?
Didn't you once spend an entire day
stuck on top of a bunk bed
'cause the ladder fell down?
That was two years ago.
Oh, what's the point?
How far I've fallen from
the brainy youth I once was.
You know, my first word was "Dada."
Yeah, that's actually pretty common.
No, it was at the Dada exhibit
at the Met.
Okay, look, I know you're
taking this kind of hard,
but it's really not
the end of the world.
Says the guy with brains and brawn
who can eat all the tree nuts he wants.
I don't have anything but my academics.
Oh, come on, that's not true.
You got, uh
Well, there's, uh
Buddy, it's just a B.
To anyone else, it's just a B.
But I'm a Crane.
You know what it's like.
Oh, yeah.
The Crane curse.
Nothing's ever good enough.
There's always a shinier object
just out of reach.
Exactly. You always
have to get the highest grade,
win every award.
Spend every summer at trigonometry camp.
While all your friends are
taking it easy at algebra camp.
Why is our family like this?
I don't know.
I mean, growing up, I felt like
I had to constantly prove
I deserved to be in this family.
How did you deal with the expectations?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I guess I could until I couldn't.
Then, one lecture, I just walked out,
never walked back in.
Because of the pressure?
'Cause I wasn't happy.
But if you drown out all the noise,
the expectations, the grades,
are you happy at Harvard?
Are you kidding?
World-class libraries,
multiple a cappella groups.
1.02 women to every guy.
It's like a paradise.
Well, there's your answer.
You're where you want to be.
So, don't let these little
setbacks throw you.
That's good advice.
Come here.
Good.
'Cause I got to give my dad
the same speech
when he's done sleeping off
the drugs and shame.
You know, you may just be
the smartest Crane of all.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Too bad you only show it
when you're drunk.
Yeah.
You know, I did kind of enjoy
exercising my intellectual side
with that paper of yours.
Well, I am supposed to be
writing an essay on Proust.
Uh
well, I I guess I could, uh,
you know, take a look
at your notes or whatever.
Okay, so the thing about modernism
["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Good night!