Friends from College (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 ["MMMBop" continues playing.]
[Naomi.]
So, now on to final business.
- Anyone? - Yeah, I actually have some news to share.
Yeah, the book that Ethan Turner and I have been working on is ready for prime time.
- We just broke it wide open - [shouts.]
Wait! I am so sorry to interrupt.
Good morning, Patel.
I love your beret.
Thanks.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with Anne Michael at Random.
They are bidding mid-seven figures for Patty Ho's Wolf Trials series! Oh, God, that's awesome! [all howl.]
I don't know what we're doing.
Why Get your hands out of my face, Patel! Why are you howling? That's my book, Wolf Trials.
The book Ethan Turner and I were working on, Wolf Trials.
What are you talking about? Wolf Trials! I was gonna just announce it right now to all you guys! - Are you joking? - No, I'm not joking! Are you joking? Are you joking? I'm not joking.
Max, Wolf Trials has been in the works for at least a year.
I got it.
I'm getting punked.
You guys are punking me.
No one's punking anyone.
I mean, we discuss it at every single meeting.
You even contributed some ideas.
No one has ever thought to put a wolf on trial.
[Naomi.]
And what do you think, Max? I think it should end with a with a courtroom scene.
I think you might be a little distracted on the personal front.
I punked you guys.
I punked you, that was a the reverse punk, so I pulled a switch on you.
I reversed it.
A lot of people find their 40th birthday challenging.
- Please don't try to make this about that.
- What do you think it's about? Why don't you tell me? You're the professional.
Your 40th birthday.
Well, there's some circular reasoning for you.
I have no fear of getting older.
It's just that all the choices disappear.
Everything's been decided for me.
I mean, I'm just locked into my life.
Who I'm married to, who my children are, what I do for a living, it's all done, all the doors are closed.
There's only one door I haven't walked through and I'm not eager to.
So you feel trapped? What? No.
I love my life.
I just sometimes wonder what would happen if it was blown to smithereens and I got to start all over again.
Is that crazy? People blow up their lives all the time.
Right.
It's not like my family's gonna disappear.
I'm not gonna wake up one morning and find out that Ethan is single, for example.
That's not the main thing I'm thinking about.
You bring that up in every session.
Well someone's keeping score.
I'm just observing a pattern.
And I'm observing a pattern, too.
Of hostile score keeping.
[Ethan squeals.]
[Nick yells.]
[Ethan squeals.]
[Nick yells.]
[Ethan squeals.]
[Nick screams.]
[Ethan squeals.]
[cell phone rings.]
[Nick groans.]
[Nick.]
Hold on one second.
Hello.
Hey.
[in Caribbean accent.]
Welcome home, man! I'm still on the plane.
I'm gonna call Ethan.
He's right here, man.
You want to talk to him, man? No, I don't want to do that.
I don't want him to even know that this is me.
Can you take a few steps away from him? Alright.
You look so hot in those goggles, bro.
I just wanted to let you know that I am gonna tell Ethan what happened.
Unless you already have.
No.
I did not.
Of course I wouldn't tell him.
Right? There was nothing serious about it.
Isn't that what you said? Just one person fucking the other person's dick off for eight hours.
We're not gonna get back into this.
We're not gonna go down that road, okay? - Nick, look.
- No.
Nick, look.
[groans.]
I need to tell Ethan.
I think it's the right thing to do.
Don't fucking say anything, okay? I've done this before and nothing good comes from it.
I can't live with this anymore, I can't.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up all the time.
Please don't, okay? Please don't say anything.
We have Sam's party coming up.
I don't think we're going to that.
I'm gonna tell him as soon as I land.
- Nick, look - Lisa Bye.
[Nick laughs.]
[Nick.]
What? I'm gonna give return balls like that.
Watch this shit.
You don't even understand.
[Ethan.]
Ready for some service? [cell phone rings.]
I'm gonna - I'm just gonna grab some water, I think - Yeah.
- I'm feeling - Let me take this real quick.
Okay.
I just don't know if my water is You are super in the way.
There we go.
[in Caribbean accent.]
Yo, man! Have you landed? Are you gonna be home when I get there? Yeah, man, I'm planning on being home there and that you and I are gonna go to the party together.
Yeah, listen We need to talk before we go to Sam's.
We need to talk.
- What about? - It's better in person.
Are you okay? Did something happen? No - You know, we'll talk soon.
- No, we can talk now.
Lisa, please.
We can I'm We'll talk later, okay? Okay, bye.
- You good? - Yeah.
I'm good.
[Sam.]
The gala, I am not looking forward to it.
- Hey, Sam.
- Hi.
Can I just have her for just a second? Thanks so much.
I'm so sorry.
I will be right back, please excuse me.
- What are you doing here? - I think Lisa knows about us.
What? How? She just called me from the runway and said we need to talk in person.
Nothing good ever happens when a wife says that.
Listen, I am going to tell Lisa everything.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, you are not.
- Yes.
- Yes, I am, Sam.
I am, Sam.
- No, you're not.
No! Stop! I am Sam and you are not telling her anything! I'm going to tell her.
I wanted you to know.
This is a decision that we make together and I forbid you from talking about it.
There's nothing to say, anyway.
We're done, remember? I know that.
You don't get to blow up my marriage and my children's lives to alleviate your conscience.
If it helps, I will tell her I had the affair with someone else.
Please! She'll figure out you're lying in ten seconds.
No, she won't.
Listen.
I wish it were as easy as telling Lisa and moving on, but it isn't.
It will change your marriage irrevocably and mine, too.
Obviously, but believe me, I've given this a lot of thought.
It's over.
We're done.
That's what matters.
Please don't ruin my life.
Please.
Listen to me.
Your kids are coming, okay.
Mommy! - Hey! - Mommy! Hello, my loves! - Hello! - What's up, guys? Are you coming to karate with us? Are you talking about [makes high-pitched noises.]
I'm sorry, I can't guys.
I wish I could.
Let's go.
Bye-bye, Ethan.
- Bye-bye.
- [Sam.]
Bye-bye.
[Sam.]
We'll give those ones to the squirrels.
[pilot.]
Hi, folks.
I have some bad news from Ground Control.
A storm system is over the Chesapeake, so we have to wait it out.
Shouldn't be much more than a half hour.
So we're gonna keep you here on the plane.
[passengers groan.]
Okay, stop.
Stop.
[pilot.]
Hello again from the flight deck.
That storm system is lingering a bit.
But it shouldn't be more than an hour.
[passengers groan louder.]
We're gonna hand out complimentary champagne to thank you for your patience.
[cheering.]
Hello, folks, me again.
Traffic patterns are backed up all over, so we may be diverted to Newark.
We'll have more information in an hour.
I don't wanna go to this party.
What? A party with our college friends and Ethan Turner doesn't wanna go? I just I want to be at home to meet Lisa.
You know what I was thinking? Centaurs.
- What? - Your next book.
Your next book after Wolf Trials.
Centaurs, half man, half horse.
Super buff, long hair, great posture, kind of forest dwelling.
- It would be super cool.
- What the fuck are you talking about? You could just replace the word "werewolf" for "centaur" in the document.
Maybe we should see how Wolf Trials does first.
Yeah, although, you know, never too soon to get on that next idea or even replace the current idea with the new one.
Max, I'm sorry, I just I just finished a 400-page draft so I'm a little fucking tapped out right now.
You wrote 400 pages? - Yeah, it's a fucking book.
- Right.
Are you mad? Because you're swearing a lot.
I just wanna fucking go home and see Lisa.
- That's all I wanna fucking do.
- Alright.
F-word.
Jeez! Can we just get on the train, please? Haha! Va-va-voom! I want to cancel the party.
I don't want to celebrate getting old! Come on, it's gonna be terrific! It's too complicated.
Why can't we just go out to dinner? You do that all the time.
You're turning 40! We're having a party.
- That's what you do when you turn 40.
- Well, I don't want to.
I wish you'd told me that six months ago.
I did.
Oh.
Come on, it's gonna be great.
You're gorgeous.
Can you I wonder if there's time for me to take a nap.
Does it ever creep you out living in this house? No, because I have nothing to hide.
It did creep me out a little bit when that bear threw the chair through the window.
That means that he was inside the house and wanted to get the hell out.
Whenever you see me zoning out, I'm thinking about that bear running around inside our house.
Creepy.
Doesn't make sense.
- A bear doesn't have opposable thumbs.
- Stop talking about it.
- Do you know where Pearl and Marianne are? - No, I think they're outside playing.
Where? Now hit the brake.
- Which one is the brake? - The one on the left.
Now put it in park.
- Nice job.
- Can I have more Red Bull now? You bet.
[Sam.]
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hello! - I'm old.
- [Max.]
Welcome to the club.
I've got your membership papers.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
Hi, welcome to our shindig.
Good to see you.
- Thanks for having us.
- I thought it was dress to impress.
What else is impress? This is impress, a tuxedo.
- This is just Tuesday.
- What? Oh, God, look, there's Lisa.
Yay! - Hey, you.
- Hi.
Oh, my God.
What happened to your ankle? [Lisa.]
I sprained it.
[Ethan.]
You got some color.
- There was a lot of - Hi.
- Hi! - What happened? Do you need a little help? Don't worry about little old me.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Wow, this is fab.
Can I use your restroom just to wash my face and just kind of clean up? - I feel disgusting.
- Yeah.
Right down here.
I'll take her.
This is not what I thought I'd wear to your 40th but this is what I'm wearing.
Great.
You look wonderful.
It's just in there.
Hand towel's on the bottom.
Yeah.
Okay.
Can I have a minute to talk to my wife? I haven't seen her in a week.
- What's your plan? - My plan is to tell her about us.
Before she brings it up first, okay? Did you see how she just greeted me? - She definitely knows.
- She does not.
- She knows.
- That is an insane plan.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I need to talk to you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what? Let's go get a drink.
We can talk.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [whispers.]
Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - [Nick.]
Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
Wow.
Don't they sell sunblock in the Caymans? Look, I haven't had a second to talk to Ethan yet.
- So just - Me, neither.
I'm so sorry.
I've been wanting to tell him everything to his face.
Stop it, this isn't funny, okay? I'm not gonna be able to talk to him until we leave so let that inform your behavior.
Fine.
Yeah.
Lisa, I want to introduce you to my fiancée, Dustry.
- Hi.
- Yeah, we're engaged to be married.
- Wow.
- Lisa, look.
- Lisa, look.
- It is beautiful.
- Lisa, look.
- I see, yeah.
It's really lovely.
I, like, still can't even believe it.
It's like [makes a bleating noise.]
Like [bleats.]
- Yeah.
- Holy moly.
Who is this? What is that? This is my fiancée, Dustry.
We're engaged to be married.
- Well, congratulations.
- I know, I was like [bleats.]
Just like [bleats.]
- Like - [Nick.]
Yeah, I was, too.
- Bear, you're so cute! - You're cute, Bug.
I want to show you these bouquets.
What for? For our wedding.
Oh, yeah.
- What is going on with those two? - I have no idea.
How were the Caymans? Terrible.
Yeah.
[whispers.]
You're right.
She knows.
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your coats and come on outside for a special presentation.
As you all know, my wife, Samantha, loves a good surprise.
Oh, no.
What have you done? Which is why your friends and I have organized a very special [Dash and Pearl.]
Night of surprises! [guests gasp.]
I helped with the sign! It's beautiful, I love it.
For my first surprise, and don't worry, honey, because I've got a few, let me introduce Nils Michelson.
Come over here, everybody, gather round over here.
[dramatic fanfare music.]
[Jon.]
Right over here.
Can anyone tell me what the most dangerous weapon in the world is? - [Ethan.]
Machine gun? - [Max.]
Two machine guns? - No.
- Nuclear weapons.
- That's good.
- Bomb.
- It's a bow and arrow.
- [Max.]
He's not right.
That's not right.
A nuclear weapon would [Nils.]
Now we all know it's bow and arrow, let's start the show.
[dramatic music plays.]
[guests cheer.]
[Max.]
Wow, look at that! [guests applaud.]
Alright, for my next surprise, let's all go into the dining room.
- [Ethan.]
That's us.
We gotta go! - [Nils.]
I need to get paid.
- [Ethan.]
Friend group, let's go.
- [Marianne.]
Friend group.
So let's just run lines one more time from the top.
- I'm good, I'll just read it.
- We said no scripts.
- We said we're gonna do this off book.
- Are we sure we want do this? Of course we want to do this! This is Monica Lewinsky, The Musical, guys.
- That's right.
- That's why there's a stain on the jacket.
Sorry! This is one of the surprises in the Night of Surprises.
We gotta do it or else it's just a night.
In my experience, a performance has to answer two fundamental questions.
- Why here, why now? - Exactly, and this answers none of them.
I think Marianne's right.
This is a very elegant party.
I think it could be disrespectful.
Agreed.
[as Bill Clinton.]
I think it's gonna be a lot of fun for everybody involved.
I don't want to play Linda Tripp.
I always play Linda Tripp.
I never get to play the good characters.
Come on, the play is not terrible.
We're doing this for Sam.
It's sweet.
- The play's really good.
- Yes! It seems irrelevant and depressing, given the way things turned out.
Well, I think it's a great opportunity for people to relive my legacy.
[as Donald Trump.]
I've gotta tell you, Bill, I think it's a bad idea.
It does not paint you in a good light.
And I wanna say that both of you were stupid, your wife and your daughter together, equal a six, okay? She's a three, she's a two, they're a six.
[as Clinton.]
That's faulty math.
- Stop it! - Stop! Stop doing the thing! - Stop! - It's annoying.
Guys, listen.
Do you remember our performance at the Leverett Old Library? Okay? The students complained because the laughter was so loud nobody could study.
Do you remember that? That laughter? That's what we gotta get back to.
That's how good this is! I don't know, the second you said students, it reminded me it was 20 years ago.
Maybe it doesn't hold up.
Max, the play sucks.
You suck, Marianne! - You know what else sucks? Your play.
- Don't.
That stupid gender-bending Streetcar Named Desire play.
That was a disaster.
I'm sorry, that I didn't mean that.
I love you, Marianne.
I'm sorry.
I get carried away when I put on the wig and I become Kenneth Starr and I just attack without provocation or evidence.
I get a little "Monica-rena".
["Macarena" plays.]
- Do you hear the "Monica-rena"? - Yes.
Max That's the show! It's started.
It's out of our hands.
We gotta finish the show.
And people are gonna love it, okay? Here we go, off-book! - I don't want to do this.
- I know, man, I know.
I look like a Hasidic Garth.
Good evening.
I am Kenneth Starr and I request your attention.
Guys, hands on hips.
Turn off the music.
- I thought you wanted me to - [Ethan.]
Stop the music.
Turn off the music.
Okay.
This is all part of the thing.
Hey, um As some of Sam's closest friends, we'd like to say You've gotta think it through.
We had a plan and now you don't Shut the fuck up.
Streetcar was awesome.
It was shit and this is shit.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you No.
We haven't even had dinner yet.
Hold on.
We haven't had dinner.
We haven't It's too soon.
Sorry, my bad, I guess.
- I guess we should eat - Yeah.
- And then we'll - [Ethan.]
Sorry about that.
What's happening? Forget it, we're not doing it.
You guys win.
Well, that was great! Thank you guys so much! Hey, everybody, let's eat.
- Happy birthday, Sam.
- Thank you.
- That was a rollercoaster.
- It was.
- Hi.
Can I talk to you? - What's up? - [angrily.]
Ethan! - Yeah? - Hi.
Can you come over here? - Sure, honey.
What's up? Anastasia.
I didn't know she was invited tonight.
She wasn't.
I found her outside by the pool.
Okay.
This is my rabbit.
Not the imposter one that you tried to pass off on me, whom I love now, too.
I don't know what this is.
I'm going back to the party.
Sam, get over here now.
You were supposed to take her to the vet, yet she ended up here, 50 miles away in Connecticut, in Sam's house, which means you two are still having an affair.
Hang on, how does she know about us? Sam, when you told me that it was over, I believed you.
And I was so relieved.
How long have you known about us? Why do you care about this so much? This is not your life.
Why do I care so much? It's because I love you guys.
You're my family.
No! I have a family and they are sitting right over there.
Oh, my God, Sam, you know what I mean.
She knows everything? Why did you tell her? I am a human being.
I need someone to talk to.
Okay, I have to tell Lisa, okay? She already knows, and apparently everybody else does too, and it'll make it better if I get to her first.
- You can't.
- I think you should.
- Thank you, Marianne.
- No, please.
Please, Ethan, please don't, it's my birthday.
I'm gonna take Anastasia to the bedroom where she will eat most of your shoes.
Hey, is everything okay? So many secrets.
Poisonous secrets.
- Lisa.
- Yes? - Can we go for just a second, have a word.
- Yeah.
A toast.
To my wonderful husband, Jon.
We're so lucky to have so much.
Let's all reflect for a moment on our good fortune, which is so rare and so precarious in this world.
Cheers.
[all.]
Cheers.
Perfect.
Okay, so I have one last surprise.
Hello, my beautiful friends.
I am Ken Yurubi.
The Mentalist.
Like the TV show? Well, actually, The Mentalist was based on me.
Man, you must be loaded! I, no No, they didn't Forget it.
Forget that.
I am here to tell you all what's in your minds.
Ken did a corporate retreat for us a few months ago and what he can do, it's just astounding.
No, no.
Okay.
Now, folks, I have been watching you at this little party all night.
[guests groan.]
And I just can't wait to get inside your heads! Okay.
Now, where shall we begin? [hums a tune.]
Excuse me, True Blood.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? I'm Ken.
- Hi, Ken.
- Okay.
You don't tell me who you are.
I know.
Wait.
I see a star.
In the night sky.
Star for Stella.
Streetcar! - I was in Streetcar! - Yes.
That was my line! You led him to it.
Marianne, you led him to it.
- This isn't real.
- No, watch.
Just watch.
- I see a man.
- Oh, my God, Tag.
[Max.]
Holy shit.
Guys, nothing is happening.
No, Max, nothing's happening right now.
How does he know everything about Tag? Did you play the violin as a child? Yes, I did! [guests gasp.]
You're gay.
[tentative applause.]
It's a great accomplishment of mine.
I see a man [makes "f" sound.]
- Felix! - Felix! - Felix? - Felix.
- Felix, yeah.
- Yes.
But Felix isn't, he's not here.
No, and that's sad.
You feel lonely and lost at sea.
No.
Okay.
Yeah, fine.
Thank you.
Come to The Mentalist.
No, I think she needs a hug.
There we go.
She gets a hug.
- Good.
- Why are you clapping? - Okay.
- Alright, dude.
Can I tell you something about you? You're in love.
[guests laugh.]
Yeah, that's my fiancée.
Not with her.
[guests.]
Ooh! Okay, this is not real, so don't worry.
- Tell her it's not real, please.
- I'm not gonna lie to her.
- Tell her it's not real.
- Why would I say that? It's real.
We're all flesh and blood right here.
It's totally fake.
- Okay, no, it's totally real.
- No, it's fake.
No, it's real.
Real.
Now [Ethan whispers.]
I did not wanna do this.
I don't even see what the And just because of that, I'm going to you now.
- Don't you think he should be next, folks? - [guests.]
Yes! [in goofy voice.]
No.
We ain't doing it.
Don't do it.
I think someone is nervous because of the secret.
[Sam gasps.]
Oh! [Ken.]
Ah! He! I had sex with Nick.
[guests gasp.]
Oh, my God! - No.
- [in Caribbean accent.]
No, man.
When? - Last week in the Caymans.
- [Nick.]
No.
We didn't.
It was No.
I I'm so sorry.
Dustry.
This is what happened at the retreat.
Ken just breaks everyone down.
It's just So then why would you bring him to my birthday party? Because I I told you I knew how to drive.
Can I try? No.
You're too young.
Sorry.
[Pearl.]
Cake! Come on, cake! [Pearl and Dash.]
Cake, cake! Cake! Yeah! Cake! Babe, I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
I have no idea what happened.
I was out of my mind.
I think after the wedding I got crazy and I got paranoid and I thought something was happening between you and Sam.
God, I don't know how you can ever forgive me, but I I really hope that you do.
I forgive you.
What? I said I forgive you.
I love you and that's all that matters.
You You forgave me really quickly.
Do you want me to be mad? Would that make it better? I think it would be better.
I don't think that I would do something like this unless I was trying to get a reaction from you.
Is Sam's car moving? Sam's car's moving Okay, hold on.
Sam? Sam! I need your car keys right now.
- I don't have them.
- Your car is rolling toward the pool.
What? Oh my, God.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you have keys? I don't know where the keys are.
Oh, my God! - They are in the car! - [Marianne.]
What do we do? [Sam.]
We have to stop the car.
- Smash the glass! - I got the bulletproof glass, we can't.
We're not that important! - I feel our friendship's in a weird place.
- [shouts.]
We're fine! Hey, I should mention that someone in my department sold a book called Wolf Trials that I knew about but forgot existed.
[all groan.]
Ow! - My hand! - You said we were fine! This thing has broke my foot! [shrieks.]
[Jon.]
No! [Ethan.]
It's going in! It's going in the pool.
Did you leave it in neutral? Of course not.
I'm not a child.
Oh, no.
Why did you say, "Oh, no"? In general.
Oh, no! I'm sorry about Wolf Trials.
Well, at least we still have your income, so Oh.
Right.
I quit.
[Jon.]
Champagne? Great.
Let's celebrate.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Sam's car.
Had it coming.
[all laugh.]
[Lisa.]
Oh, that's funny.
That's not it.
I think we should take a break.
[Jon.]
Oh, right.
Fireworks.
That's your last surprise tonight, sweetie.