Friends with Benefits s01e08 Episode Script

Ah, thanks so much for helping man.
I mean, every time I click out of one, 50 more of them pop up.
I spend half my work day deleting naked people.
Looks like you got yourself a "pornado.
" A what? Ow.
A "pornado.
" It's what happens when people visit virus-infected porn sites all day instead of doing their jobs.
You know, like, lazy perverts.
Ah, what a bunch of creeps.
So, can you fix my porn? Oh, my God.
Oh, come on.
Like you don't look at this.
Oh, my God! Ah! - That's little Mary! - Who's little Mary? I know this girl.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is impossible.
Yeah, how do you know Liza Blue? No, no.
Her name is Mary Webber.
I used to mentor her in math when she was 14 years old.
She was unbelievable at multi-variable calculus.
Wow.
Yeah, well, she's pretty good at sex, too.
- Oh! - Oh.
- Ew! - Ew.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is awful.
Hey, maybe you should stop looking.
Oh, this is all my fault.
What? How is it your fault? So, Aaron, what kind of career do you think I should go into? I got into math and computers because there was this deep, dark I don't know hole inside me and math filled it.
You need to figure out where your hole is, and try different things until you discover what fills it.
Wow, I was not expecting to say this, but this really might be your fault.
I got to find her.
I got to find Mary Webber.
I got to talk some sense into her.
- I started this.
I got to end this.
- Whoa.
Wait.
No.
What about my "pornado"? Yeah.
Whatever, Neil.
Yeah, everyone knows you're eating Marci's pudding snacks.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, I've seen you.
Son.
Where should we go for lunch? Let's do vegan.
I just bought a leather jacket, and I wanna balance it out.
Who are you talking to? Some loser I can't get rid of.
He won't stop texting me.
So you're texting him back? Well, I can't just ignore him.
That would be totally rude.
Plus, you never know.
Dr.
Greenspan.
Dr.
Greenspan to O.
R.
Ooh.
Who's the sexy grandpa? Someone you are not going to date.
No, really.
I'm not kidding.
That's Dr.
Everett Lonsdale.
He's visiting from New York University Hospital and is pretty much the most brilliant pediatric surgeon in the country.
Coolio.
Oh, God.
He's coming over here.
Don't say "coolio.
" Hello, Dr.
Lonsdale.
Hello, Sara.
Great job assisting this morning in surgery.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It was so inspiring watching you work up close.
And who is this? What? This.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Um, this is Riley.
My roommate.
Riley this is doctor Call me Everett.
Okay.
Everett.
Better yet, why don't you just call me? That's funny.
You're pretty funny.
Thank you.
And you're pretty pretty.
Thank you.
Well, there are some people dying, so we should I have a meeting to get to.
I'll see you later, Sara.
Hope to hear from you soon, Riley.
Awesome.
Okay, this is not good.
This is not good.
This is totally weird.
- What's weird? - You.
Going out with Dr.
Lonsdale.
That guy's my hero.
My roommate can't date my hero.
Just like you can't date my dentist.
Remember that? So, I haven't heard from Riley in a month now.
Shouldn't I have some sort of anesthetic? Please.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
I mean, it's not like I'm going to embarrass you or anything.
What, you think I'm going to embarrass you? It's a strong possibility.
Well, I will have you know that I have dated congressmen.
And two hockey players.
I think I can hold my own with a measly doctor.
Where are you getting all these good dates? Bam.
Oh, hey, you remember Noah from our flag football team? Yeah.
He just got out of intensive care.
We should probably go visit the man, considering it's kind of our fault that he's in there.
Man, would you quit saying that? It is not our fault.
You know what? You're right.
It's your fault.
Hike.
Go long! Come on.
I got a cannon over here.
Further, further! Oh.
Ooh.
Usually, I'm a big fan of physical comedy.
Pratfalls and what not.
Yeah.
When I heard that crunch - Actually, it was still kind of funny.
- Yeah.
Look, you know what? We'll go visit him, give him a balloon, draw penises all over his cast.
He'll smile.
We'll be in the clear.
Hey, Aaron.
You okay? I'm not really sure.
Well, he should be more than okay because he had lunch with Liza Blue.
Liza Blue? The porn star? Okay, first of all, that's not her real name.
Secondly, she prefers the term "Adult Film Thespian.
" And thirdly, I had a very good conversation with her, and hopefully, she's gonna stop doing Hundreds of men, women and objects? She doesn't do objects.
She has a standard contract, and she doesn't do objects.
She doesn't do animals, and she doesn't do water sports.
Although I don't really know what that is.
I think that's doing it on a jet ski? Oh, boy.
Yep.
Why would anyone want to do that on a jet ski? Okay, so what? - Were you able to talk her out of it? - I think so.
Although she did most of the talking.
If it wasn't for you, I never would have gotten to where I am today.
Thank you.
You made me fall in love with math, Aaron.
And with those skills, I've learned to invest my money, run my own website, and create a healthy and diversified portfolio.
That's cool.
That is really cool.
You know, I think that I'm just curious if-if maybe you're interested in expanding.
Oh, I totally do! I'm gonna start my own reality show where I take other porn stars out to dinner.
It's called Stuffing Liza Blue's Face.
Wow.
Great title.
God.
You know, I love how encouraging you are.
That's why I've always had such a big crush on you.
I still do.
Huge.
So, are you gonna have sex with her? I was her mentor.
She was my mentee.
I am not going to take advantage of a girl that looks up to me.
Dude, God has dropped a porn star into your lap, okay? Don't disappoint Him.
He can be a jealous and a vengeful God.
Mmm.
Amen.
I am officially done with this conversation.
Aaron, I am with you.
And right now, you can still influence her life in a totally positive way.
And it would be creepy and weird if you slept with her.
Hey, hey, hey.
We all agree that it would be creepy and weird.
That's why we want him to do it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on.
It happened on a doctors without borders trip in Indonesia.
A lovely woman was a few weeks from giving birth to a child with a heart defect.
I operated on the baby in utero.
Fortunately, both the mother and child survived and are now thriving.
I found out later she named the baby after me.
Very flattering.
Aw, little Dr.
Lonsdale.
Um, Everett, actually.
I know.
That was a joke.
Oh.
Whoa.
Yikes.
Good luck walking that one off.
Noah, buddy.
Hey.
Can you hear us? Man, you think he knows we're here? Well, I hope so.
You know how much I hate doing nice things for people if no one sees.
Oh.
Hey.
I put that there.
He stole my wink.
Every time.
Well, I guess I better do it again.
Whoa.
Hey.
Ah Well, if you want to get credit, man, let's sign his cast and get up out of here.
Ooh, ooh.
You know what we should do? We should sign it all over, with different dates, and then he'll think we came back a bunch of times.
What? Oh, hi.
Who are you? Hey.
Um, we're Noah's friends, Ben and Fitz.
- We came a really long way to visit.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that is so sweet and thoughtful.
It is.
Isn't it? And who are you? Please say, "sister.
" I'm Noah's girlfriend.
Boy, it is so nice to see there are still good guys in the world.
Hey, well, you found us.
Wow.
Lana.
Yeah.
Damn.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I hope not, man.
If you're thinking what I'm thinking, you are a horrible person.
Yeah.
I mean, there's no universe in which you can go after a man's girlfriend when he's lying motionless in a hospital bed.
Yeah.
Let alone pulling out his IV bag and banging her over his lifeless body.
Wow.
That was on the tip of your tongue.
Hmm? Dr.
Maxwell, can you come in here for a moment? I need to talk to you about something very important.
This is slightly uncomfortable for me to talk about.
Is it about the surgery this morning? I swear that kid's nose just looked like that.
I want to friend Riley on the Facebook.
It's just "Facebook.
" Oh, I know, but Riley seems to take it pretty seriously.
Would you be willing to friend me and possibly connect me with your friends? But, you know, the cool ones.
Okay.
I guess I could do that.
Great! Fantastic.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So, it's almost 3:00.
Are you still going to give that lecture on emergency C-Sections? Oh gosh, no.
I have a date with Riley.
Could you cover for me? Really? Do you think I'm qualified to? Sara, I think you show great promise as an obstetrician.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Tell me how you want it, tell me what you like tell me how you're doin' it, tell me what you like this is how I want it ah this is what I like yeah this is how I want it this is what I like yeah this is how I want it.
- Okay.
Listen, before we start our evening, I just think we should lay down a couple of ground rules.
Um, I think we should just be friends.
And while I am very tempted by your beauty, I think it's important that our relationship remain pla Tell me how you want it tell me what you like tell me how you want it, tell me what you like "Pla" what? Just "pla.
" Tell me what you like tell me how you want it tell me what you like this is how I want it uh this is what I like yeah this is how I want it, this is what I like Wow.
I can't remember the last time I did it missionary style.
That is one of the top two moments of my whole life.
The other was with Stephen Hawking.
Oh, we didn't do this.
I just met him.
This is how I want it, this is what I like - Morning Ri.
- Hey Sara.
So, how are things going with Dr.
Lonsdale? Eh.
What? What does that mean? Meh.
Okay.
What are these sounds? What's going on? Nothing's going on.
He just did something before we had sex that turned me off.
- Maybe he was trying to be considerate.
- Yeah.
But then he did something after we had sex that really turned me off.
This is bad.
This is very, very bad.
What am I gonna do? Don't worry about it.
Everett and I have zero chemistry together.
I guarantee you, he feels exactly the same way I do.
I want her! I want her in my life.
She is amazing.
She's not that amazing.
Hey, help me analyze this.
We've been out a couple times, but when I call her, she just texts me back.
And short ones, like, "Hey, Everett.
" I mean, you know her really well.
Does that mean she's brushing me off? Hmm, what to say, what to say.
If you ever get the opportunity to talk me up, you know, if the subject of Nobel Prizes comes up, maybe you could drop something about my nomination.
Listen, I hear you, okay? But I don't think I should get involved in this.
I really admire you, and it doesn't feel right Have you ever separated twins in the womb? No.
- Would you like to? - Would I like to? I mean, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime.
Are you bribing me? 12-hour surgery, right by my side.
Afterwards, an interview with CNN's Sanjay Gupta.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But just so you know This is very wrong.
Great! Listen, I need you to help me compose a funny tweet to Riley.
I want it to be clever, but not like I'm trying too hard.
Okay.
You're a horrible person.
You're a horrible person.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! I can't believe you guys are both here again.
Neither can I.
I can't believe it even more.
Uh, I thought we agreed Lana was off limits.
No, I wasn't there for Lana.
Okay, I care about Noel.
Noah.
His name is Noah.
It is, right? Wait.
Now Noah sounds wrong.
Wait.
Why are you scolding me, man? You were the one bringing her flowers.
They were for norm.
Noel.
Man All right, look, look.
We're both wrong.
Hitting on Lana is a total violation of several commandments, many edicts, and at least one mores.
Or hang on.
I'm about to blow your mind.
It's only bad if we like the dude.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm listening.
Yeah, this guy owes me eight bucks! You know what? He does not return phone calls promptly! Let me ask you this.
What if he's a racist? This one time, he didn't want to drink out of my latte.
Oh! We're doing a good thing, saving Lana from this scumbag.
Yeah, but, which one of us is going to save her? Now I'm wondering if you're a racist.
No, come on.
You know what? No, we can't do this.
Remember what happened the last time we competed over a girl? Okay, first, we need to go to a place that has money.
Yeah, then we need to go to a place that has pants.
Yeah.
You know what? You are absolutely right.
From now on, we will only hit on girls whose boyfriends are not in the hospital.
Yeah.
Classy.
- Is Dr.
Lonsdale coming? - No, he said you should handle it.
Okay, well, that's, like, three babies.
That seems like plenty.
They're quintuplets, doctor.
There's two more.
Are you (Bleep) Kidding me? This has seen better days.
Hey, sexy.
We got to talk.
Things are getting out of hand at work.
I delivered quintuplets.
I hope.
I mean, I didn't really actually count them at the end.
Congratulations! Let's celebrate! This is not a celebration! This is a nightmare! Dr.
Lonsdale is obsessed.
He won't quit asking me things about you.
Oh, and now I'm doing surgical procedures that are way over my head.
Let me guess.
- This is all my fault.
- This is all your fault.
You make things so messy.
Like now! Oh! Your underwear is in our communal sink when you have a perfectly functional sink of your own! Actually, I clogged my sink up hard.
It's a funny story.
See, I was trying to wax my Stop.
The point is, I need you to get your thongs out of the sink of my career.
- What? - Break it off with Lonsdale.
For real.
I mean, leave the poor guy no hope.
None.
I can do that.
Consider Dr.
Everett Lonsdale completely dumped.
- Although, you never know.
- No, no, no.
This time I need you to know.
- Tell me you know.
- All right.
And don't think, "you never know," either.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Yeah, big boy! Mmm! What what are you watching?! Your girlfriend.
She is really talented.
Turn this off! Hey, turn it off! I cannot believe you! That's the girl that I am dating! How could you do this? You're a horrible friend! Horrible! Aaron, 100,000 guys can watch Liza Blue online every day, but your roommate can't? You are a horrible friend! Horrible! That's not her name.
Her name is Mary, okay? Mary! Okay, fine.
Mary! What are you going to do, man? Erase Mary from the entire Internet?! Liza, it's Phillip.
No one can find you on the Internet.
Your photos, your movies, your website it's all blocked.
Only one lame ass thing comes up when I Google your name.
Ben? What are you doing here? Well, I could ask you the same question.
Yeah, well, I'm here with the make-a-wish clowns.
We're visiting the children's ward.
Who are you with? I'm freelancing.
Can I speak to you outside for a moment, please? Sure.
All right, man, can we stop this? We have hit rock bottom.
I'll admit it.
I have felt better about myself.
Now, let's just put this competition aside.
Come on, we're friends.
We can't do this to each other.
Aah! The poodle you ordered.
She's lump, she's lump, she's lump she's in my head.
She's lump, she's lump, she's - Dr.
Lonsdale.
- Hey, Sara, what's up? Oh, not much.
Just prepping for my laparoscopic fetal kidney surgery.
Hey, have you spoken to Riley recently? I have.
This morning, actually.
She broke up with me.
What? Oh, God, that's awful! - I'm so sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I mean, the timing was obviously bad, with her moving to Egypt for two years.
I asked her if it was possible if we could be together when she gets back, and she said, "You never know.
" She said that? I'm gonna kill her.
Don't tell Riley, but I'm looking into a transfer.
I have friends at Cairo Presbyterian.
Dr.
Lonsdale.
Dr.
Habib.
Perfect.
Ooh! You said you were going to do it, Riley.
You promised you would leave the guy no hope! What are you talking about? I dumped him this morning.
I can't help it if the guy doesn't want to let me go.
You were supposed to close the door! Instead, you did what you always do.
You left it wide open.
I don't know if I left it wide open.
Maybe I left it open a tiny little crack.
A crack is just as bad! Why couldn't you just close it? I mean, what is so hard about closing the door on a relationship you don't even want? I don't know.
I guess maybe it scares me.
Something scares you? Okay, look, it's really hard for me to talk about feelings, so if we are gonna talk about this, you have to make a dumb face.
What?! Just do it.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh! That's not dumb.
That's cute.
Look, I don't know who my dad is.
And If I stop believing that anything is possible, it feels like I'm shutting the door on ever meeting him.
Can I stop making this face? 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna cry.
Well, your crying face is dumb, too, so go ahead.
I'll end it with Everett.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Just curious.
Why Egypt? I figure it's so far away that no one will ever follow me there.
Seriously, you know Riley Elliott? Yeah.
We dated for six months.
We're on a break right now, but you never know.
Hmm.
You've blocked my entire life's work! You ruined my career! Whoa.
I just think that you have some incredible skills, Mary, and I would love to see you channel those talents into something good.
Oh.
For your information, I have done a lot of good! Did you know that I was the number one download for Operation Desert Freedom? What have you ever done for our troops? I was really nice to one in an airport shuttle one time.
Okay, if you want to help me, Aaron, then just let me be who I am.
Accept me for who I am.
Not a lot of people in my life have done that.
I just want you to be happy.
I am happy.
Yeah, okay.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
From now on, I'm going to be here for you.
But I want you to know that if you ever change your mind, and you need a job, you know where to go.
Thank you.
And if you ever need a job Uh, nah.
Yeah.
God, you guys are so amazing.
I want you to show you guys something.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
Okay, now, remember, no helmet-to-helmet contact.
Well, we still got some tough decisions to make, man.
Ooh! What do you think? I got it yesterday.
Wow.
That is disappointing.
Before the accident, I was really on the fence about Noah, but meeting you two opened my eyes.
Anyone who has friends as good as you must be a pretty special person.
Man, this rental cost me 80 bucks.
You rented yours? Aah! Ah, I really appreciate you guys pitching in - for Noah.
- Yeah, friends till the end.
- No man left behind.
- Well we gotta make sure this place is completely sterile.
His immune systems pretty shot right now.
Fitz.
You get started on the windows.
Okay.
And you get to work on the potty.
Thank you.
And you know neither one of us is ever going to get to bang her, right? You have no patience.