Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Jim, you didn't have to get me all liquored up, all right? I prescribe Zerplexa all the time.
And everyone at LifeBio Pharmaceuticals appreciates your support, Dr.
Stokes.
Oh, hey, hey Zerplexa pens.
Oh! All right.
This completes my collection.
Now I have everything from Adazol to Zerplexa.
have you ever crushed up some of those Zerplexa pills and snorted 'em? No.
Joking, I'm joking.
That is no laughing matter.
I got to go.
I got to go.
Nice pen.
Best part of being a doctor.
- Really? - No, actually, then there's the, uh, part when you meet a hot woman at a bar and you get to tell her you're a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
I'm Gretchen.
Last night was amazing.
You had sex with a senior citizen? Oh, what a delicious, undoable mistake.
How'd this happen? I'd had too much to drink, it was dimly lit, and her makeup was Oscar-worthy.
Will, it sounds like you strapped on a pair of beer goggles and ran straight into that cougar cage.
I just want to forget this whole thing ever happened.
Oh, come on,what's the big deal? So you did a little antiquing over the weekend.
Oh, you might want to check the mirror, you got a little gray curly stuck between your teeth.
Okay, are you people ready? Ah, there's my date.
Wow, you look absolutely adequate.
You look like a Kmart mannequin.
I can't believe you guys are going through with this whole fake date thing.
Oh, I'm going through with it, because knowing Linda Altman, she is only getting married so that I'm the last single one from our sorority.
Or she's actually in love.
She'll do anything to stick it to me.
Well, I will not give her the satisfaction of showing up alone.
did you bring the Laker tickets? You will get the tickets after the wedding, that was the agreement.
Now let's go over our story.
We met in? - St.
Barts.
- First dinner? - Fish tacos.
- And then we walked on the beach and? Don't make me say it.
Courtside, Will.
I looked in your eyes and felt a connection unlike any I had before, it was magic.
Wow, you two crazy kids may just fake make it.
So, first weekend away from Charlie, huh? Beautiful Santa Barbara, nice hotel room.
Too bad you're too pregnant to actually have any fun.
We're gonna have plenty of fun.
We're gonna sleep in late, we're gonna order room service and knock out some medium-hot sex.
Is that even, like, physically possible? According to this book, How to Have Sex - When You're Super Pregnant, yes.
- Oh.
Oh.
Ah, my mom is - two minutes away.
- Great.
Soon as we hear her broom pull up, we'll hit the road.
You guys, wasn't the ceremony just so stunning? Meh.
This must have cost a fortune.
I am so glad Lowell and I have been saving.
Well, just think the next wedding we'll be at is yours.
I know.
And most importantly, I'll be skinny by then.
What's with the squealing? Why do they squeal? 'Cause it's a wedding.
Women love romance.
It's like emotional porn.
Hey, speaking of romance, don't say anything to Jules, but I'm going to surprise her with a couple of tickets to India tonight.
I'm taking her back to the place we first met.
I once surprised Andi with some new underwear before our agreed-upon six-month deadline.
Blew her mind.
But yours is good, too.
Yeah.
Oop.
Got a text.
Room's ready.
Excuse me.
Okay, just got a text.
They brought our bags up to the room.
They even upgraded us to a handicapped suite, so you can get in and out of the tub easier.
Nice.
All right, let's go do it.
- What, right now? - Yeah, I figure we have 20 minutes before the girl comes back - with the crab cakes, so let's go.
- Okay.
- Katie.
- Linda.
- Mwah, mwah.
- Mwah, mwah.
So glad you could make it.
I thought you'd be alone, so I put you at the table with all the cool single ladies.
Yeah, I RSVP'd plus one.
I know, but with you it's always here today, gone tomorrow.
Anyhey, I want you to meet my eternal plus-one, - the love of my life, Michael.
- Pleasure to meet you.
You may recognize him from the altar where he said "I do.
" Oh.
And I would like you to meet the love of my life, and a doctor, Dr.
Will Stokes.
Hi.
Will.
Kate and I met in St.
Barts over fish tacos.
We are very much in love.
So, what does Michael do? Does Michael save lives? He's in commercial real estate.
I own a Taco Bell.
So, saving lives, peddling tacos.
Whoa! Let's go.
Oh, your being a doctor finally means something.
Now get off.
You know what I'm thinking about right now? What? My mother.
Bye, boner.
I just wonder how she's doing with Charlie, you know? I miss him.
Hang on, we'll do it right after I call my mother.
Don't cross those wires.
I believe this belongs to you.
Oh, my God.
What are the chances of meeting two nights ago in L.
A.
and then here tonight at a wedding in Santa Barbara? Slim to none.
And yet here you are.
What happened to you? I got out of the shower, heard the door close, and then feet running lightly down the hallway.
Sprinting, actually.
Yeah, about that.
I'm sorry, I The tr The truth is I have a girlfriend.
I-I have a girlfriend, and we'd broken up, but then I got a text from her that morning, and I-I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't be able to resist you.
You're the irresistible one.
My God, that tongue of yours.
I felt like I'd been through a car wash.
This girlfriend, uh, is it serious? Very serious.
Too bad, because this could have really been something if not for the girlfriend.
If not for the girlfriend, yeah.
Oh, well, life is cruel.
Gotta go.
Wait, you bought tickets to India? Surprise.
I was gonna wait to tell you, and then I thought, romantic occasion, romantic gesture.
Lowell, that is a lot of money, and I thought we agreed we were gonna save for the wedding.
Well, yeah, but, babe, imagine riding an elephant to a waterfall and then making love in that waterfall.
Or imagine having a wedding in a room with guests and a caterer.
Okay.
I've gotta say, that's not the reaction I was expecting.
So what do you want me to do? Just do you want me to return the tickets and just forget about the romance, the elephant, and the sex waterfall? Thank you for not making me say it.
You're the best.
So, did he pick his monkey pajamas or his truck pajamas? Rocket ships? I did not see that coming.
He didn't go with his regular pajamas.
And then what did he do? Aw! And then what did he do after that? And did he do anything? Hi.
I'm Michael's friend, Simon.
I couldn't help but notice you sneering at the bride.
Oh, no, see, that was, um I swallowed an Altoid.
Personally, I think Michael's making a huge mistake.
I loathe her.
- I'm Kate.
- Hi.
Why don't I get you a drink? A vodka martini? How did you know? I can smell it on your breath.
I'll go get his attention.
Hi.
Uh I got a little bit of a situation.
I need you to go with me.
The old lady? Gretchen? She's here.
Well, that is an unfortunate but enjoyable-for-me coincidence.
I told her I was in a serious relationship with you, so lay one on me.
Oh, God Look, you served your purpose with Linda Altman and I'm very grateful, but I just met a cute guy, so now our fake relationship is broken up for real.
Hey, I was there when you needed me.
For Lakers tickets.
Don't cloud the issue.
We met in St.
Barts.
We ate fish tacos.
That's the story we're sticking with, so get on board.
Uh, hi, I'm Simon.
Who are you? No one.
Get lost! Okay, I'm sorry about that.
I guess being away from Charlie for the first time was a little harder than I thought.
Will you hold this for a second? - Sure.
- Anyway, I promise I am not going to talk to my mom on the phone anymore.
- Really? - Mm-mm.
Because she and Charlie are on their way over here.
I booked them an adjoining room.
Great.
So now I'm paying for two hotel rooms I'm not going to have sex in.
Why don't we just go home after the wedding? No, we can't.
My mom's super excited for a weekend in Santa Barbara.
She'd be super excited for a weekend in Afghanistan if she knew it'd make me unhappy.
Whew.
Oh.
Well, look at that.
Seated at the same table.
Again, what are the chances? Again, slim to none.
You know what I love about this wedding? The bread sticks.
Uh, there she is my my girlfriend Kate! There you are, girlfriend Kate! Please, help.
I am mildly terrified of this woman.
So, go home.
I can't.
You're my ride.
Well, that is unfortunate for you, because I am staying a very long time.
I'm going to go dance with Simon.
- No, you don't.
- If you dance with Simon, it negates our relationship.
We have no relationship.
I'm not letting you go.
Well, then, you leave me no choice.
Will, it's over.
I'm moving on, and you should, too! Uh but I love you! I hate you.
This time, it's your turn to go through the car wash.
Cheers! Yeah, to your smoking hot wife.
So far, marriage has been awesome.
My life is gonna be so much more fun from now on! What? I was right where you are on my wedding day.
Where are you now? Well, seven years in, marriage just isn't exactly what I thought it would be.
Oh, yeah? What is it? Well, it's the triumph of responsibility over spontaneity, no over yes.
I mean, sure, you can try to have a little fun on the fly a last hurrah but the kids, the wife, the mother-in-law they always win.
One day, you wake up, and you're just a man with two hotel rooms, no sex life and a purse.
Come on, let's go hit on some drunk chicks.
Dude, I just got married.
Lowell just told Jules that he's having second thoughts.
Part of me feels terrible.
The other part of me feels like, wow, somebody actually listens to me.
Bobby, Jules is really upset.
You've got to go talk to Lowell.
You've got to go make this right.
Okay.
Can you at least hold your purse while I go? No.
I got to go get more food.
Excuse me, Miss? This ginger ale is from the gentleman over there.
Weddings, huh? You alone? Apparently.
A pretty lady should never be alone.
Hi.
I'm Brandon Schwartz of the Woodland Hills Schwartzes.
Ooh.
Tall stool.
What is on your mind right now? Old spiders? Hey.
I've been looking for you.
You got to talk to Jules, Lowell.
Yeah? And say what? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.
I didn't mean it.
You look skinny.
You know, all the greatest hits.
Is that what marriage is all about? Just telling 'em what they want to hear? Pretty much.
You know, it's just the old Jules she would have chosen waterfalls and elephants over saving for a wedding.
I'm just I'm worried she's changing.
Well, you guys are getting married.
Of course she's gonna change.
You both will.
Yeah, but I don't want to, and no offense, Bob, but I don't want your life.
Okay, you're afraid of your wife, you bought a book on how to have sex, and you're dancing with a purse.
And then he tells me we're going to India, like, out of the blue! - So, he just bought the tickets? - Who does that? Right? I mean, if we're gonna be married, we have to make these decisions together.
I don't know.
It just seems like it shouldn't be this hard.
Okay, let's take it wide.
You know what I really hate about people? When you say, "Hi.
How are you?" and And they actually tell you how they are! You're supposed to just say, "Good.
I'm good.
" - Yeah.
It's an unwritten rule! - Yeah.
Okay, you know what - the absolute worst is for me? - Tell me.
When you get on a plane, and the person sitting next to you Strikes up a conversation.
I feel flush.
Ugh! What is wrong with him? What? Nothing.
Sorry.
Not my problem.
Continue.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Will you excuse me? I just have a potential catastrophe to deal with.
Um, just wait here, okay? Yeah, okay.
You know what else I hate about people? When they can't hold their liquor.
Will! Get over here! Kate.
- Wow, you look great.
- Ugh! Will, you cannot sleep with this woman again.
Why Why not? Because, you take a car out once, it's a test drive.
Twice, it's a lease.
And can you really see yourself in a Gretchen for the next three years? I am waiting, Willie.
I'm coming, Gretchy.
Hey! I want you back.
I want to give us a second chance, so, sorry, you're out.
You said we were done! Hey! Does this feel like we're done? The good ones are always either gay or dating a skank.
That was a cold shower.
You're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me Simon? Did you eat my cake? Did you talk to Lowell? The answer to both questions is yes.
And? And he still has cold feet.
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for trying.
I guess they're just gonna have to figure it out for themselves.
I'm also sorry for what I said about marriage.
No, I don't care about that.
I complain about you all the time.
You do? Oh, yeah! To the pool guy, to you while you're sleeping, to the FedEx guy, to the guy that comes and reads the gas meter.
I think I got it.
Honey, venting is a very important part of marriage.
You know, the resentment it just It needs somewhere to go.
It's like you can't have a fireplace without the chimney.
Speaking of things that fly up the chimney, where's your mother? Well, Charlie fell asleep in their room, so she's in ours watching Pay-Per-View.
Well, as long as she found a way to spend more of my money, I'm happy.
Want to dance? Sure.
Oh, no.
- This is gonna be a two-hand job, buddy.
- Okay, ready? Three, two, one.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now go away.
- You know what else I hate? When you see a girl you like kissing some guy, and it really bums you out because you don't know the whole story until that guy who turns out to just be her friend explains You know what I hate? When I'm waiting too long for the guy I like to kiss me.
Oy, when are they gonna throw the bouquet? Well, hello there.
Dr.
Will Stokes.
I'm a doctor.
Such a pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine.
A doctor, huh? Well, I'm sorry that I ruined our romantic time together.
Ah, you didn't ruin it.
We can have it right here right now.
My water just broke.
Oh, my God, we're gonna have a baby! Why is the floor all wet? Somebody needs to come clean this up Best night ever.
Yeah, let him in.
Is that her? No, Will.
That's a loaner.
She's so beautiful.
I usually find babies gross, but this one This one's okay.
You want to hold her? Oh, no, I'll just take her out for drinks when she's 16.
God, she's a miracle.
I want to get married, and I want us to have a baby.
Oh, and I also want to make up.
We should probably do that first.
Um I'm so sorry.
What about all the stuff you said about spontaneity and responsibility? Well, I've just spontaneously realized I want to be responsible.
Really? If it means having that with you, then, yeah, really.
And how about we go to India for our honeymoon? How about we make our life a honeymoon? Totally.
Our marriage doesn't have to be like Andi and Bobby's.
No.
Gosh, she's so cute.
And you know who she looks like? Oh, please don't say your mother.
Never mind.