Funland (2005) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
1 We have a dead body, a gun-happy whore.
Suggestions, please.
Let her come with us.
I'll keep an eye on her.
Dudley? Will she go to the cops? She does sometimes err on the careful side.
I need you to find someone for me.
A missing vicar.
What about the girl? Take care of that girl.
BRYAN: Mercy find out, she fucking do me in.
You want to join us on our journey? The boy's got talent like his poor dead mother.
RUBY: She was electrocuted.
30,000 volts shot through her from a faulty four-way stack.
Get out.
Tell me! It were Van Kneck.
He killed her.
Raped her.
You're his son.
- Let's go for a walk.
- I've got to get back.
My mum's here.
And she's come all the way from Stoke.
(Muffled electronic feedback) - Is that its willy? -Where? That long thing.
No, love, that's its cord.
(Laughing) I were gonna say (Mobile phone ringing) Will you fucking keep it down? (Electronic feedback) Were my mum's.
It was on stage with her when she died.
Speak your grief, man.
Share your grief.
"He will wipe away every tear, and there shall be no more mourning.
" Through Christ, I will heal you.
Amen.
Hiya.
Julian Berry, the last vicar of Ambrose Chapel.
Oh, Chris, that's brilliant.
I love you.
Carter's gonna be made up.
(Brakes screeching) Where's Van Kneck? I have not clapped eyes on him.
Not for many hours.
He went to Shirley Woolf's house.
They were conducting some civic business.
- No! No, please.
- You killed a man, sweetheart.
- You're a liability.
- I won't say a thing.
- That's not what your husband thinks.
- What? He says you're a goody two-shoes.
He says you'll go straight down the cop-shop.
I won't.
- I'm fine.
- You're in a state.
- You can't do this.
- You're all over the place.
No, no, wait, listen.
Wait, wait.
You can fuck me right here.
You can do it now.
I know you want to.
Please.
I want you to.
- I loved it with you.
- Shut up.
- Shut the fuck up! - You want me.
No.
No, I don't.
You were easy, that's all.
You were so fucking grateful, it was pathetic.
You're just going to shoot me? Just like that? Here? What for? What's the point? You don't have to do this.
Look at me.
I'm okay.
Please.
Please.
I need you to stay calm, Bryan.
The holdall in the utility room behind the Zanussi.
The emergency fund.
Get it and bring it to my brother's place.
I'll see you there.
I cannot do this.
If Mercy unmask this treachery, I've fucking had it.
Oh, forget about Mercy.
You're coming with me.
You're like a lantern to me, Bryan.
A paper lantern glowing softly in the darkness.
Now do as I ask.
And I'll see you at Leo's.
(From A Jack To A King by Ned Miller playing) We do it every year.
A little warm-up for the main event.
- Nibbles, drinks.
- A glass of punch.
Then it's off to the ball.
Oh.
Well, I wish I'd known sooner.
I'd have bought myself a ticket.
Debt paid.
You're free to go.
If you want.
Why don't you try some? Blue gin, Liebfraumilch, and three litres of Five Alive.
It's quite intoxicating.
(Mobile phone ringing) Van Kneck.
I'm giving you a sporting chance.
I've set a little terrier on your tail.
His name is Carter.
Have that Tower license on my desk.
I'll make you sure you get a Christian burial.
The Surgeon's gone.
He's been paid off by Bridewell.
- Well, you've fucked it, then.
- I'm getting out, I'm leaving town.
You'll have to deal with Mercy on your own.
(Knocking on door) Oh, God, I love you.
- I've got Loads to tell you.
-Where is he? I've got it all worked out.
Day do, night do.
I want those little net bags with almonds in it.
- Where's Van Kneck? - You what? The Mayor, Van Kneck.
I was told he was here.
No.
Listen, result.
That vicar, he's like a real big mega mystery.
Apparently, he's disappeared.
No one knows where he is.
- Where's your dad? - Don't know.
Club, I guess.
What do you think of my dress? Ruby, you're a nice girl, but you're not for me.
The Wedding's off.
(Ruby wailing loudly) (Leaves rustling) Nasty nosy man, asking his nasty, nosy questions.
You know where it is.
You tell me or the head comes right off.
(Choking) (Hooded man shrieking) You tell me everything, and then they let the pretty milk me.
North and south, and east and west, naughty milkings are the best.
No more questions, no more crosses, no more key, no more chapel! (Shrieking) I'm in mortal peril.
The dark powers in this town are gathering, and they've settled on me as their sacrificial lamb.
- You, and only you, can save me.
- I'm busy.
Not too busy to help your own brother, surely.
I'm your flesh and blood, Leo.
You owe me.
I set you up in this place.
That were payment, services rendered, that chapel business.
Quite a generous settlement, though, for a man in your position.
A disgraced clown.
- Ventriloquist.
- A failed performer.
A piece of human flotsam cast up on the Blackpool shore.
Without me, you'd be in the gutter.
You'd be begging for scraps like the other ne'er-do-wells.
You're a man of substance.
The proprietor of this fine establishment.
It's a shit-hole, and you know it.
I haven't had a moment's joy since I was 10 years old, and that was down to you.
That's right.
Tell yourself that sad little story, Leo.
You mocked my disability and you paid the price.
Now I'm not without compassion.
Do as I say and you'll be rewarded.
A little friend of mine will deliver a package to you.
You will not tell him where I am.
You'll bring the package to me at Pennywise Market and then we'll be done.
A clean slate.
Plus, a little gift from me to you.
£10,000.
Replace that wallpaper, get yourself a haircut, maybe a new lawnmower.
Pennywise Market at 5:00.
Don't let me down.
I panicked.
Who wouldn't? I had a policeman's torch shining in my eyes.
What would you have done? I'd have stayed.
Like I stayed here with you.
You shot that man.
You killed him.
You told Shirley Woolf I'd go to the police.
No, I didn't.
He's lying.
Look.
Look, it's not too late.
We can still sneak out of here.
Let's take off without a penny to our name.
We'll get a boat to Calais.
We'll go off on an adventure.
We could live in Nantes.
No, Dudley.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
What do you mean? I don't understand.
Yes, you do.
(Clanging) (Muffled scraping) (Phone ringing) I've been getting phone calls, strange phone calls.
(Ruby wailing) - What's that noise? - It's your daughter, she's gonna kill herself.
- Now, Shirley, listen - Dad? Daddy, it's me.
He's dumped me.
Carter.
He's dumped me.
My whole life is ended.
I'm going to throw myself off a cliff.
There are no cliffs in Blackpool, love.
I'm going to cut me wrists, then, like before.
But this time I'm really going to do it.
- I'm going to pull all me veins out! - Come home.
Come home, now! Calm down.
He's nothing.
He's not worth shedding one tear over.
You don't care.
You've got your own baby on the way.
You don't even like me.
Ruby.
That was my Ruby on the phone.
She's upset.
Very upset.
Where's Van Kneck? You think you can shag my daughter, dump her and get away with it? - She's not some piece of meat, you know.
- No, not like Lola.
Fuck her senseless, husband watching in the corner.
What's the matter? Jealous? What's your wife think about it? - We're reconciled.
- For how long? A day? A week? I've seen your family.
It's a fuck-up.
- Who are you? - Your mother, too.
She's, yeah, sweet, ain't she? Got a realsoft spot.
- She'll be dealt with.
- Watch your back.
She knows it all.
She's gunning for you.
- Who told her? - Me.
- You've got some nerve.
- What you gonna do? Shoot me? Try it.
I don't care.
- What do you want from me? - Van Kneck.
That's all I want.
I'll give your regards to Ruby.
Van Kneck? He's with his brother.
Shangri-la.
Oh, when you see him, make sure he knows I told you.
(Stand By Your Man by Lynn Anderson playing softly) (Bell ringing) Yeah.
I'm here for Onan.
I bring everything he ask.
(Whispering) Where is he? He told me not to say.
Punch? Why? What is it, then? - Is it him? Is it Shirley Woolf? - No.
Just because he did those things, gave you what you want, doesn't mean I can't, too.
I can.
I can learn.
It's not too late.
There's techniques.
Muscular control.
A man can be taught to reach his crisis without spilling a drop.
- It's not just that.
- But it is though, isn't it? That's what you want.
Pumping away, going on and on and on and on.
That's all you care about.
You know that's not true.
Tell me you didn't enjoy it.
Tell me you didn't prefer that to me.
I'm sorry.
I suppose you did it with that Carter, too.
- Hello, Carpet.
- Oh, Shit.
DUDLEY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
Please don't go.
I love you.
I'm nuts about you.
No chat, no lip.
just tell me where your brother is.
Pennywise Market, Adelaide Road.
I'll draw you a map if you like.
Please.
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
Lola.
Oh, there she is, centre stage.
Give the girl an ovation.
We don't need you interfering.
- Now, come upstairs.
- No! Wait.
Where are you going? (Phone ringing) - Where are you? - MERCY: I know what you're up to, Connie Woolf.
Putting pressure on my boy.
Expect a visit.
I've sent the Greek round to wet the baby's head.
Right, get your kegs down, I'll shag the lot of you.
- Ruby, get out.
- On thy knees, woman.
- Anoint my feet with thine hair.
- You what? Have you been smoking spliff? I'm going to tell Dad.
It's not spliff.
It's incense.
That's Mum's amp.
What are you doing with Mum's amp out, Liam? - You know you're not to use it.
- You're wrong, man.
He should be using it.
He should be playing.
He's been a good and faithful servant.
His talent should not be buried in a field.
- That's never incense.
- TIM: Feel the spirit, man.
Let the spirit through you.
Amen.
(Car alarm beeping) Well, Mr Finch.
That's quite a windfall.
May I? Help yourself.
I've never had money.
Not since my husband left.
I've never known the comforts it can bring.
Very lonelya single life.
That's true.
(I Saw The Light by Hank Williams playing) (Woman laughing loudly) Valerie? (Woman laughing) Valerie? - Yes, what is it, love? - She's gone.
I'm all choked up.
I really need someone to talk to.
Not now, love.
It's not a good time.
(Valerie laughing) I've made a fresh batch.
(Sirens wailing) (Man chattering on radio) Good girl, good girl.
Sit quiet, yeah? I'm here now.
- You all right, son? - I've seen it, Dad.
The spirit.
I've seen what's in all of us.
It's like a current running through us, connecting all living things.
Oh, Jesus! She did it.
It was Mercy.
You have to kill her now.
Get in there, get an ice cream.
I won't be long.
- I'll come with you.
- It's not a good idea.
You helped me, I'll help you.
I'm coming.
- Let go off me, you little Jezebel! - Carter! Please, no, don't hit me.
I can't abide physical pain.
Oh, like you gave my mum? Is that how you get your jellies? Rape and murder? - What are you talking about? - Franny Poole.
You raped her, defiled her.
You've been after her ever since - Dad.
- What? I'm your son.
- No, no, no, I can't be.
You've got it all wrong.
- Recognise this? Is this what you're after? Tracking us down like fucking animals? Look, I haven't done anything.
I barely knew the woman.
You're disgusting.
You're my own father.
I can't even bear to look at you.
- I can't be.
- You are! I can't! I've got prosthetic testicles.
- What? - Balls of glass.
Here, feel them.
Go on, feel them.
(Glass balls rattling) I've had them since I was 10 years old.
No, but you're involved, I know you are.
Finch told me, he made you cover.
- No, no.
That wasn't me.
- You sold that place to Shirley.
Bridewell.
I sold it for Bridewell.
Bridewell's behind the whole thing.
Just tell us what we want to know, Carter.
Suggestions, please.
Let her come with us.
I'll keep an eye on her.
Dudley? Will she go to the cops? She does sometimes err on the careful side.
I need you to find someone for me.
A missing vicar.
What about the girl? Take care of that girl.
BRYAN: Mercy find out, she fucking do me in.
You want to join us on our journey? The boy's got talent like his poor dead mother.
RUBY: She was electrocuted.
30,000 volts shot through her from a faulty four-way stack.
Get out.
Tell me! It were Van Kneck.
He killed her.
Raped her.
You're his son.
- Let's go for a walk.
- I've got to get back.
My mum's here.
And she's come all the way from Stoke.
(Muffled electronic feedback) - Is that its willy? -Where? That long thing.
No, love, that's its cord.
(Laughing) I were gonna say (Mobile phone ringing) Will you fucking keep it down? (Electronic feedback) Were my mum's.
It was on stage with her when she died.
Speak your grief, man.
Share your grief.
"He will wipe away every tear, and there shall be no more mourning.
" Through Christ, I will heal you.
Amen.
Hiya.
Julian Berry, the last vicar of Ambrose Chapel.
Oh, Chris, that's brilliant.
I love you.
Carter's gonna be made up.
(Brakes screeching) Where's Van Kneck? I have not clapped eyes on him.
Not for many hours.
He went to Shirley Woolf's house.
They were conducting some civic business.
- No! No, please.
- You killed a man, sweetheart.
- You're a liability.
- I won't say a thing.
- That's not what your husband thinks.
- What? He says you're a goody two-shoes.
He says you'll go straight down the cop-shop.
I won't.
- I'm fine.
- You're in a state.
- You can't do this.
- You're all over the place.
No, no, wait, listen.
Wait, wait.
You can fuck me right here.
You can do it now.
I know you want to.
Please.
I want you to.
- I loved it with you.
- Shut up.
- Shut the fuck up! - You want me.
No.
No, I don't.
You were easy, that's all.
You were so fucking grateful, it was pathetic.
You're just going to shoot me? Just like that? Here? What for? What's the point? You don't have to do this.
Look at me.
I'm okay.
Please.
Please.
I need you to stay calm, Bryan.
The holdall in the utility room behind the Zanussi.
The emergency fund.
Get it and bring it to my brother's place.
I'll see you there.
I cannot do this.
If Mercy unmask this treachery, I've fucking had it.
Oh, forget about Mercy.
You're coming with me.
You're like a lantern to me, Bryan.
A paper lantern glowing softly in the darkness.
Now do as I ask.
And I'll see you at Leo's.
(From A Jack To A King by Ned Miller playing) We do it every year.
A little warm-up for the main event.
- Nibbles, drinks.
- A glass of punch.
Then it's off to the ball.
Oh.
Well, I wish I'd known sooner.
I'd have bought myself a ticket.
Debt paid.
You're free to go.
If you want.
Why don't you try some? Blue gin, Liebfraumilch, and three litres of Five Alive.
It's quite intoxicating.
(Mobile phone ringing) Van Kneck.
I'm giving you a sporting chance.
I've set a little terrier on your tail.
His name is Carter.
Have that Tower license on my desk.
I'll make you sure you get a Christian burial.
The Surgeon's gone.
He's been paid off by Bridewell.
- Well, you've fucked it, then.
- I'm getting out, I'm leaving town.
You'll have to deal with Mercy on your own.
(Knocking on door) Oh, God, I love you.
- I've got Loads to tell you.
-Where is he? I've got it all worked out.
Day do, night do.
I want those little net bags with almonds in it.
- Where's Van Kneck? - You what? The Mayor, Van Kneck.
I was told he was here.
No.
Listen, result.
That vicar, he's like a real big mega mystery.
Apparently, he's disappeared.
No one knows where he is.
- Where's your dad? - Don't know.
Club, I guess.
What do you think of my dress? Ruby, you're a nice girl, but you're not for me.
The Wedding's off.
(Ruby wailing loudly) (Leaves rustling) Nasty nosy man, asking his nasty, nosy questions.
You know where it is.
You tell me or the head comes right off.
(Choking) (Hooded man shrieking) You tell me everything, and then they let the pretty milk me.
North and south, and east and west, naughty milkings are the best.
No more questions, no more crosses, no more key, no more chapel! (Shrieking) I'm in mortal peril.
The dark powers in this town are gathering, and they've settled on me as their sacrificial lamb.
- You, and only you, can save me.
- I'm busy.
Not too busy to help your own brother, surely.
I'm your flesh and blood, Leo.
You owe me.
I set you up in this place.
That were payment, services rendered, that chapel business.
Quite a generous settlement, though, for a man in your position.
A disgraced clown.
- Ventriloquist.
- A failed performer.
A piece of human flotsam cast up on the Blackpool shore.
Without me, you'd be in the gutter.
You'd be begging for scraps like the other ne'er-do-wells.
You're a man of substance.
The proprietor of this fine establishment.
It's a shit-hole, and you know it.
I haven't had a moment's joy since I was 10 years old, and that was down to you.
That's right.
Tell yourself that sad little story, Leo.
You mocked my disability and you paid the price.
Now I'm not without compassion.
Do as I say and you'll be rewarded.
A little friend of mine will deliver a package to you.
You will not tell him where I am.
You'll bring the package to me at Pennywise Market and then we'll be done.
A clean slate.
Plus, a little gift from me to you.
£10,000.
Replace that wallpaper, get yourself a haircut, maybe a new lawnmower.
Pennywise Market at 5:00.
Don't let me down.
I panicked.
Who wouldn't? I had a policeman's torch shining in my eyes.
What would you have done? I'd have stayed.
Like I stayed here with you.
You shot that man.
You killed him.
You told Shirley Woolf I'd go to the police.
No, I didn't.
He's lying.
Look.
Look, it's not too late.
We can still sneak out of here.
Let's take off without a penny to our name.
We'll get a boat to Calais.
We'll go off on an adventure.
We could live in Nantes.
No, Dudley.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
What do you mean? I don't understand.
Yes, you do.
(Clanging) (Muffled scraping) (Phone ringing) I've been getting phone calls, strange phone calls.
(Ruby wailing) - What's that noise? - It's your daughter, she's gonna kill herself.
- Now, Shirley, listen - Dad? Daddy, it's me.
He's dumped me.
Carter.
He's dumped me.
My whole life is ended.
I'm going to throw myself off a cliff.
There are no cliffs in Blackpool, love.
I'm going to cut me wrists, then, like before.
But this time I'm really going to do it.
- I'm going to pull all me veins out! - Come home.
Come home, now! Calm down.
He's nothing.
He's not worth shedding one tear over.
You don't care.
You've got your own baby on the way.
You don't even like me.
Ruby.
That was my Ruby on the phone.
She's upset.
Very upset.
Where's Van Kneck? You think you can shag my daughter, dump her and get away with it? - She's not some piece of meat, you know.
- No, not like Lola.
Fuck her senseless, husband watching in the corner.
What's the matter? Jealous? What's your wife think about it? - We're reconciled.
- For how long? A day? A week? I've seen your family.
It's a fuck-up.
- Who are you? - Your mother, too.
She's, yeah, sweet, ain't she? Got a realsoft spot.
- She'll be dealt with.
- Watch your back.
She knows it all.
She's gunning for you.
- Who told her? - Me.
- You've got some nerve.
- What you gonna do? Shoot me? Try it.
I don't care.
- What do you want from me? - Van Kneck.
That's all I want.
I'll give your regards to Ruby.
Van Kneck? He's with his brother.
Shangri-la.
Oh, when you see him, make sure he knows I told you.
(Stand By Your Man by Lynn Anderson playing softly) (Bell ringing) Yeah.
I'm here for Onan.
I bring everything he ask.
(Whispering) Where is he? He told me not to say.
Punch? Why? What is it, then? - Is it him? Is it Shirley Woolf? - No.
Just because he did those things, gave you what you want, doesn't mean I can't, too.
I can.
I can learn.
It's not too late.
There's techniques.
Muscular control.
A man can be taught to reach his crisis without spilling a drop.
- It's not just that.
- But it is though, isn't it? That's what you want.
Pumping away, going on and on and on and on.
That's all you care about.
You know that's not true.
Tell me you didn't enjoy it.
Tell me you didn't prefer that to me.
I'm sorry.
I suppose you did it with that Carter, too.
- Hello, Carpet.
- Oh, Shit.
DUDLEY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
Please don't go.
I love you.
I'm nuts about you.
No chat, no lip.
just tell me where your brother is.
Pennywise Market, Adelaide Road.
I'll draw you a map if you like.
Please.
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
Lola.
Oh, there she is, centre stage.
Give the girl an ovation.
We don't need you interfering.
- Now, come upstairs.
- No! Wait.
Where are you going? (Phone ringing) - Where are you? - MERCY: I know what you're up to, Connie Woolf.
Putting pressure on my boy.
Expect a visit.
I've sent the Greek round to wet the baby's head.
Right, get your kegs down, I'll shag the lot of you.
- Ruby, get out.
- On thy knees, woman.
- Anoint my feet with thine hair.
- You what? Have you been smoking spliff? I'm going to tell Dad.
It's not spliff.
It's incense.
That's Mum's amp.
What are you doing with Mum's amp out, Liam? - You know you're not to use it.
- You're wrong, man.
He should be using it.
He should be playing.
He's been a good and faithful servant.
His talent should not be buried in a field.
- That's never incense.
- TIM: Feel the spirit, man.
Let the spirit through you.
Amen.
(Car alarm beeping) Well, Mr Finch.
That's quite a windfall.
May I? Help yourself.
I've never had money.
Not since my husband left.
I've never known the comforts it can bring.
Very lonelya single life.
That's true.
(I Saw The Light by Hank Williams playing) (Woman laughing loudly) Valerie? (Woman laughing) Valerie? - Yes, what is it, love? - She's gone.
I'm all choked up.
I really need someone to talk to.
Not now, love.
It's not a good time.
(Valerie laughing) I've made a fresh batch.
(Sirens wailing) (Man chattering on radio) Good girl, good girl.
Sit quiet, yeah? I'm here now.
- You all right, son? - I've seen it, Dad.
The spirit.
I've seen what's in all of us.
It's like a current running through us, connecting all living things.
Oh, Jesus! She did it.
It was Mercy.
You have to kill her now.
Get in there, get an ice cream.
I won't be long.
- I'll come with you.
- It's not a good idea.
You helped me, I'll help you.
I'm coming.
- Let go off me, you little Jezebel! - Carter! Please, no, don't hit me.
I can't abide physical pain.
Oh, like you gave my mum? Is that how you get your jellies? Rape and murder? - What are you talking about? - Franny Poole.
You raped her, defiled her.
You've been after her ever since - Dad.
- What? I'm your son.
- No, no, no, I can't be.
You've got it all wrong.
- Recognise this? Is this what you're after? Tracking us down like fucking animals? Look, I haven't done anything.
I barely knew the woman.
You're disgusting.
You're my own father.
I can't even bear to look at you.
- I can't be.
- You are! I can't! I've got prosthetic testicles.
- What? - Balls of glass.
Here, feel them.
Go on, feel them.
(Glass balls rattling) I've had them since I was 10 years old.
No, but you're involved, I know you are.
Finch told me, he made you cover.
- No, no.
That wasn't me.
- You sold that place to Shirley.
Bridewell.
I sold it for Bridewell.
Bridewell's behind the whole thing.
Just tell us what we want to know, Carter.