Gap Year (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 I arrange luxury vacations for the 1% to see Asia.
- This is you? - No.
- You should say yes in future.
- Why? - If they think we work in tourism, they'll give us a load of freebies and shit.
I'm Sam Bevan from exclusiveasia.
com.
We can guarantee that you'll be heavily featured on our home page.
I've failed at everything, May! - No.
- Yes! - You didn't, Greg.
I really like her.
- And I think she likes me too.
- Let me probe her for a bit.
Find out if she actually likes you.
Whoa, Dylan! - He tried to kiss me.
- You're an arsehole, Dyl.
Dylan, he's gone.
"I just need to be by myself to find myself.
" It's a Search and Rescue! Excuse me.
I'm looking for Mount Everest.
- ~ - Mount Everest.
Sorry, sorry, OK.
It's OK.
I'll give you money.
No, no, no, no.
I'm trying to give it back! I'll give it back.
Aargh! Take that.
Plus interest.
Oof! - You! - You! You nearly gave me a heart attack.
I'm so sorry.
It's Sam, isn't it? Yes.
And you? I feel I want to say, Dildo? - Dylan.
- Dylan.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- My friend Sean calls me Dildos sometimes.
- Is he not with you? - What happened to him? - We kind of fell out.
Ah.
Classic.
Did he do that? Sorry, sorry.
Yeah.
He did.
What, you were in love with the same girl? - Boy, ladyboy, whatever? - Yeah Uh, girl.
I don't really want to go into it, if I'm honest.
Cool, cool, cos actually, I got Basically, we slept together in Vietnam and then I broke it off.
And then he said he really liked her, so I said I'd help him and ended up not doing that at all, trying to sleep with her again.
I just didn't know what I was doing.
I mean I hate myself.
So what was the endgame here? You were going to commit suicide by throwing yourself in front of a car? I was going to climb Everest and try and get some perspective.
Just the old climb up Everest(!) That costs about $80,000 and two months of training.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
Did you say you were in Vietnam? Yeah, Vietnam, China, Malaysia, Thailand.
- Here.
- Here we are.
Dildo, this is your lucky day.
- What do you mean? - I'm not gonna leave a fellow traveller stranded here and suffering.
That is not my style.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.
I'm a travel advisor.
I am not a travel advisor.
I have to stop saying that.
I'm sorry.
Just get in.
What happened? Eurgh! Do not get me started.
Genuinely do hang on tight.
I'm a shitty driver.
Right, eyes peeled, people.
This is like a big old game of hide and seek.
Just like when I was a nipper.
Although, of course, that was usually in my grandma's garden rather than Nepal! It will be gravy, brother.
Find Dilbot, fix things up with Ash.
Everything back to normal.
I just don't feel I can handle normal any more, though, Greg.
Sure you can.
Normal is normal.
Everyone can handle normal.
- It's normal.
- No.
- I like her too much.
- Yeah? I like her too much.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
You should talk to him.
You can't declare your feelings for someone on a bus.
- Full of chickens.
- It's hardly full of chickens.
There's only one chicken.
I'm going to wait till we're somewhere more sexy.
- Oh.
- And he's not worried about Dylan.
You were right.
I should have just backed off.
Yes, exactly, brother.
Listen to Greg.
Or, devil's advocate, try and kiss her.
- You keep giving me different advice.
- And it's all good! Look, she's not interested in me.
- Little kiss - She'd slap me.
- I'll slap you.
- Stop doing that! Ahhh! Kathmandu.
OK.
Here.
Yes, Kathmandu.
Come on! Come on! So some shithead scammed a hotel in Vietnam using my business card information, pretending to be me.
- No! - Yeah.
It was - Oh, my God.
- .
.
totally uncool.
It just makes me angry hearing about it.
Yeah, and then my boss blames me for handing out too many business cards - which is ridiculous, because why have them? - Yeah.
Your boss sounds like an arsehole if he fired you for that.
Well, we got in an argument which escalated quickly.
There was some garden variety shoving and I accidentally nudged his cat out the window.
I'm just getting over it now.
Come on, baby! (Come on.
) I never gave you a card, did I? No No.
Definitely not.
No.
Answering phone again.
- Anyone get any messages? - Yeah, welcome to Nepal.
- Calls cost £1.
50 - From Dyl, I mean.
- No, not from Dyl.
- Have you seen his new Facebook status? "Dylan J Nutkin is no longer friends with Dylan J Nutkin.
" Clever.
Oh, my God.
My mom is such a maniac.
I e-mailed her saying I was going to Nepal, and she replies with links to about 30 articles on how to survive an earthquake.
Isn't that exactly what you would do? - Oh, shit.
- What? - Is it from Dylan? - No, it's from Dean Martin.
- Seriously? - From the Rat Pack? I thought he was dead.
- No, Dean Martin -- the Dean from our college.
- Oh.
They got my appeal and they're inviting me in for a hearing - with the arbitration panel.
- Wow! - That's amazing.
- You'll ace it, I promise.
And I'll be by your side the whole way.
Hey, it's all coming together.
Ash's appeal, Seano's 21st birthday.
Now all we've got to do is scoop up old Dildo and then we can spend a couple of weeks trekking the shit out of them there hills.
Come on, Mavis.
Let's look down here.
- Wait, Sean.
I'll come with you.
- Coming? - Yeah.
Hey! No.
Check that one.
- Trekking.
- Yes.
- Check in there.
What have you checked? Pointless.
Nothing.
He's not there.
Greg, what are you doing? - I know, I know, I know.
Come on.
- We're looking for Dylan.
- Dylan.
Down here, I reckon.
- We're not shopping.
- Sorry? I need something to trek in, though, May.
Look how thin these are! He'll be OK, he'll be OK.
- OK, we're here.
- Oh! - Yay! - It's going to be so fun! - Aargh! If it's perspective you need, this is much easier than climbing Everest.
And you're far less likely to get frostbite on your dick.
Great.
Yeah, I don't really want that.
Dylan Nutkin.
He's like a tall, white, sort of spindly Like a very gaunt Hugh Jackman.
If that makes any sense.
- He looks like this.
- He looks like that.
That's him.
- No.
- No? Ooh, can I have a look at one of those while I'm here? Yeah, Mom.
I know.
I'll hide under a table if there's a tremor.
Yes, I'm in Kathmandu.
What? No, I am.
Stop repeating me.
No, I'm in Kathmandu, Mom.
Sorry, what? You're? Oh, my God.
Oh, there she is.
- That's your mum? - Yeah.
- Bloody hell! - In what way? No! No! No.
As in a good way.
OK.
May! My baby! - Oh, wait.
You're sweaty.
- OK, thanks.
Hi, Mom.
I didn't know you had a sister, May.
Just as in, you look way too young to be a mum.
- You're not sleeping with this man, are you? - No, Mom.
Obviously not.
- Obviously not! - I'm sorry, Mom.
What the hell are you doing here? Well, I just thought I'd drop by and say hi, make sure everything was OK.
Drop by? You can drop by things like a barbecue, Mom, not a backpacking trip to Nepal.
- Well, is this an inconvenient time? - Yes.
- Absolutely not.
- Yes.
It's a bad time.
We're in the middle of looking for our friend Dylan and Ash and Sean are still out there, so - How's that going? - Poorly.
He's basically vanished.
I tell you what.
Why don't you guys take a break and let me take you out for lunch? - Yes, yes - We can do a little rummaging around.
- Oh, that sounds absolutely lovely.
- No, well - That would be fantastic.
- Great.
- I'll summon the troops.
- OK.
You look like you haven't had a proper meal in a couple of weeks.
Mmm, thank you(!) - What is this place? - It's a Buddhist monastery.
It's a place where people come to find some inner calm, defeat the ego, release desire, that kind of thing.
Why do I feel like you're taking a selfie behind my neck? Sorry.
I just thought I'd Instagram me in my robes.
- Can I see it for a second? - Sure.
What What? Listen, I've been sitting with monks for the last 15 years all over this city in order to work through some very serious shit.
- That was my iPhone 6.
- I know, it's not important.
Terrible thing.
It's a terrible thing.
Trust me when I tell you the only way to make any progress whatsoever is isolation and focus.
No social media.
- Do you understand that? - Yes, yes.
You're right.
I want to change.
- Good.
- And I've got some serious shit too, Sam.
- I really do.
- You do.
Yeah, you do.
And I want to help you out with that, so think of me as your guru.
We're going to get through this together and I'm going to help you face up to the many, many, many, many, many mistakes you've made.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Can I just look for my phone really quickly? - The universe has it now.
Oh, my God, Vanessa.
This food is so good.
You should have come to see us weeks ago.
Well, I guess it's a step up from the Happy Bird Hostel in Penang.
- Oh, big time.
- Oh, I could order us a couple more rooms - if you guys would like to stay here too.
- Oh, yes! - Here, really? - Yeah.
- Here? No.
Stop it.
Don't try and buy our favour, Mom.
We don't need you and your money, OK? So, Sean.
-- How exactly are you searching for your friend? -- Just checking his Facebook, Instagram, looking for clues.
It's another world, isn't it, Vanessa? Facebook, Pokemon I'm much happier with a postcard.
I'll be genuinely honest with you.
Well, if he's got the Find My Phone app and you know his password, you can login and find his phone.
Have you done that to me? - What? No! - Hang on, how did you know we were at the Happy Bird Hostel? Because you told me, didn't you? No! Oh, my God, Mom! OK, look, I don't know his password.
Have you got any other ideas? Go on.
I want to know what I'm dealing with here.
Well, there is a website that tells you the location that all the social media posts are sent from.
-- What site? -- It's on the dark web.
- The dark web? Are you kidding me?! - OK, OK.
Well, he posted this this morning.
Well, it's possible some malware might be - downloaded onto your computer.
- Yeah, yeah.
Malware, schmalware.
Why don't you join a few Isis chatrooms while you're at it, Mom? OK, I've got the coordinates.
I'll just cut and paste them into Google Maps.
It's the Mahakanti Monastery and Retreat.
That's about five miles from here.
- Yes! - Oh, we found him! Houston, we have a Dylan! I will order us a taxi.
What do you mean, "us", Mom? There is no us.
You're not even supposed to be here, remember? This is my trip.
You can't just turn up and take over.
It's not OK.
What is wrong with her? I think she might be medically mad.
- Yeah, you made that clear.
- I thought she was great, actually.
Yeah, you made that clear too, Greg.
Just go easy on her, May.
You're all she's got, you know.
She's flown out here because she loves you.
- My mom would never do that.
- No, nor mine.
Although Barbara is pushing 70, to be fair to her.
OK, OK, I get it.
What? My God! It's a cult.
We leave him for 24 hours and he joins a bloody cult.
Namaste.
What's that douche so happy about? Dyl.
- Dyl! - Oh, my God! Look at your threads! Nice hiding place.
I'm really sorry I hit you, Dyl.
It's OK.
I was weak and selfish and I deserved it.
Yeah, I know! Well, it's cool.
Let's just get out of this hippy-dippy Sunday school.
- No, I'm not leaving.
- What? I need this.
I'm on a journey here, guys.
- What? - So are we.
It's called travelling.
-- It's a journey of the self, though.
To find some inner peace.
-- Really? Sounds more like a journey up your own asshole.
Oh, what is this? What is this? You can't be here.
We're in the middle of a prayer session.
- What are you doing here? - It's nice to see you again, - but you can't be here.
- Sorry, love -- Dylan, we're leaving, brother.
- We've got to go.
- No, no, no, no.
He's not leaving.
He's here with me.
He's OK.
You need to give him time to heal.
- He - Dylan is in a lot of pain.
So you need to be good friends and give him the time you can.
I'm so sorry.
I know, I know, I know.
- How did they even find you? - I actually have to take this.
It's Dean Martin.
- Oh! From? - No, not that one.
- Hey, yeah - This is really not good.
OK, I'm sorry.
Can you just give me two seconds? I'll make up for whatever I've missed.
It doesn't work like that, but as long as you get them out of you, - just hurry up.
- OK, OK.
Thank you.
Seriously! You're choosing this shit over me, Dyl? - I'm forgiving you.
- I know you are.
This isn't about you, Sean.
This is Sam knows what I need.
Whoa, whoa, and does know how you stole her identity in Vietnam? - Sh-sh - She doesn't.
I honestly think that Buddhism is the answer, Sean.
Oh, grow up, Dyl.
It's just another costume for you to take another selfie in.
You flip-flop.
You'll get bored with this in a couple of days and just find something else to do.
I didn't flip-flop and I'm not a flip-flopper.
You're wearing flip-flops.
Don't shit on this because you don't understand it, OK? - I don't understand? What? - Please! Just back off.
Let me get some inner bloody peace.
This is not exactly how hide and seek should be ending.
What is it? You can still do your appeal, right? Yeah, yeah, it's just It's in three days.
Oh, for .
.
sake! This stone is so clean, you can have your lentil curry off it.
Well, that's not the point.
Repetitive, physical labour focuses us in the present moment.
OK? So, keep brushing the square, you'll get it.
Sorry, you want me to scrub the whole square? The whole square.
Until you learn not to think.
Thank you.
You missed a spot.
OK.
From Kathmandu to Chicago O'Hare, departing tomorrow at 11:35am.
Urgh! Right, so it looks like it's just the two of us, then, Seano.
The Great Wall-ees finally becomes the Trek-le Brothers.
Yeah, I'm going home too, Greg.
- Are you yanking my boy? - This is meant to be a lads' holiday - of me and Dyl.
- Yes, it still is a lads' holiday, now it's a lads holiday with you and Greg! That's an upgrade, if anything! Nah, I'm over it, I've got to get back to plumbing.
- Plumbing.
- Gas exam.
Playing second fiddle to gas, now.
That's a new low.
Kathmandu to Chicago.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Oh, thanks, yeah.
- 24 hours, then.
- It's about 27, actually.
At least I'll get to wish you a happy birthday.
Bonus.
So, erm we haven't really had a chance to talk about what you said in Penang.
- Oh, yeah.
Listen, sorry if I made it weird.
- No, Sean, please.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- I like you.
I really like you.
I think you're the kindest, most genuine, and overall best person I've ever met.
I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you.
Weirdly, by the coffee at a crummy hostel is as good as it's got.
You're going in a day, you know.
I know.
A little more than a day.
Or I won't go home.
I'll stay with you, if that's what you want.
Well, of course I Of course, I want that.
You know I do.
It's just You've got your appeal, haven't you? You got your You don't want to throw away your whole future.
You know, because of me.
It's just So, what do we do, then? You know We leave it the way it is.
For now.
We've been mates for seven weeks now.
I'm sure we can manage one more day.
And three hours.
- Yeah? - OK, yeah, great.
We'll be mates.
- Morning, Sean.
- Morning.
Oh, yes! - Vanessa.
- Morning.
Sight for sore eyes.
How are you? Take a seat.
Morning, May.
I'm sorry about yesterday, and for just surprising you like that.
I didn't mean to upset you.
But, erm I was thinking of doing some sightseeing, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go? Of course, she would.
She was just saying how much she wanted to do that, anyway.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, my God, there are monkeys everywhere.
Yeah, well, why do you think it's called the monkey Temple? Well, I thought there would be monkey carvings, not real-life wild monkeys running around all over the place.
You can catch rabies or aids.
Only if you have sex with them.
I wish you weren't leaving tomorrow.
Don't try and talk me out of it, Mum, I said I'd be there for Ash.
I won't, it's just that, you know, I took to weeks off from work for the first time this millennium, and I was just hoping I could get a little more out of it.
OK, so, I don't know.
Maybe call Auntie Pat, see if she'll come out and meet you? Patricia? On long-haul flights, with her legs? Well, one of your friends? You work in recruitment, Mum, surely you can recruit someone, or invite a colleague even? They're busy, they're covering for me.
Or what about that French guy? I'm not talking to Pierre right now.
Besides, I'm here to see you.
Look, I'm sorry if you find me irritating or intrusive.
It's just that you keep shutting me out.
You know, I don't know what's going on.
I feel like I feel like I'm losing you.
I have some anti-monkey hand sanitizer, by the way.
OK, great, I was holding the railings the whole way up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Urgh! Thank you, Mum.
- OK, don't touch anything.
- OK.
- Careful.
- OK, you too.
Do I get to ride an animal, on this ten-day trek? Maybe a donkey? - A donkey? - Well, the treks are all for the minimum of four people.
- Four people.
- Yeah.
- So, you can't do the trek with one person.
- No, no.
- And there's no way around that? - No.
OK.
Yeah, thank you.
- Take care, man.
- You take care as well, brother.
~ - Hey, man, how are you doing? - Hey, how are you doing? Good, good.
Are you planning a trek? - We're planning to.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, me too.
You know, could be cheaper if we join forces.
That's exactly what you said to us! - Well, if it ain't broke.
- I'm sorry, so - so do you do this on a regular basis? - Not really.
- That's how we became the Three Rafteteers.
- And the Great Wall-ees.
Well, which reminds me, I'll need a name for my new lot.
We're hikers, so, I suppose, we should be the High Hike Hikers.
The Hiker-paths.
- We should be the Hiker-paths! - Sorry.
All right.
So, what are they like then, these Hiker-paths? They're Swedish.
We bonded over ABBA and then named our top-five - Tom Cruise movies of all-time.
- Tom Cruise isn't Swedish.
- No.
- No, it's a travelling icebreaker.
- He used it on us.
- If it ain't broke.
Well, how do you know they're not actual psychopaths or thieves? We don't.
But that's the joy of it, that's the joy of travel! It's all about taking a chance on people, on places, and seeing what happens, you know? Giving it a go.
And to hell with the risks.
- You know, I am impressed.
- Oh, thank you.
I would never be able to do something like that.
Probably just lock myself up in my room.
No, I don't I don't believe that for a second, Vanessa.
I can imagine you wandering around the markets, haggling for shawls.
- No.
- Yes, yes, yes, mais, oui.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, I need ask you something.
It's about my mum.
I think she's lonely and worried, and could use a vacation.
- Yeah, I totally agree.
- With me, though.
- She won't do it alone.
- You're not coming back with me, then, right? - That's where this is going? - I'm really sorry.
No, it's fine, your role can be filled by my old buddy, - Mr Jack Daniels! - You're joking about that, right? Yes! Of course, you should go with your mum, May.
It's just an appeal, travel's way more Well, appealing.
- Here we go.
- Ah, lovely! - Vanessa.
- Time for a toast.
- Right, - erm - This is not the high point of my trip, per se.
That'll come in another couple of days, when I slam my ice pick into this summit of some mountain, somewhere.
But no, what I wanted to say is, as I make my free transfer from the Wall-ees to my new club, the Hiker-paths, I want to say to you all -- a big thank you for having me.
And here's hoping we meet up again, but, well - But we're not going to stay friends? - But you are No, I'm saying, ideally, we will.
Ideally, we will stay friends.
20 years ago, I had a similar band of brothers.
The Thai Bandits.
We all made a similar pledge, we'll stick together.
And did we? No, not quite, because life gets in the way.
That's all it is.
Well, cheers to that.
No, that's not That wasn't my toast, May.
I lost I lost my way.
What I'm trying to say is -- thank you, you're all very wonderful, and I had a great time, every minute of it, thank you.
And I'm a goon, and I'm It's appalling.
Nepal-ing, it's absolutely Nepal-ing.
OK.
We're almost there.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Here is good.
- OK, great.
- So, erm - so what's this for? - Well, you're going to dig a hole.
And you're going to get inside that hole, and you're going to meditate for a very, very long time.
Without food, without clothing.
Right.
Great.
Is that necessary? - You think you deserve better than that? - No, no, no! You think you should be perhaps in a hammock somewhere? - No, I don't! - Having a cupcake? - No, no, no, no, no, this is - this is great I want this.
- OK.
- I do.
- I deserve this.
- Yes, you do.
Oh! Sorry, it's not really great for digging, this.
- Sam? - Yeah? Are you angry with me about something? Angry? Why would I be angry, what have you ever done to me? Nothing! Nothing at all, just - silly, really.
- This is all about your progress, Dylan, - that's all I care about.
- Yeah.
- That's all this is.
- Thank you so much.
- It's my pleasure, but you're not digging fast enough.
OK, can't wait to get in this hole.
It's just they're difficult to nail, toasts, by their very nature.
I'm sorry I ruined everything.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to up my game for the Swedes.
Not a great send-off.
Not even drunk.
Really need to plan better next time -- if there is a next time.
You know, maybe Greg was right.
Maybe it'll all feel different when we get home, maybe You've changed your tune.
Ash, I've wasted so much time worrying, stopping myself from doing that, scared of what might happen.
And all that ever does is nothing, happen, nothing happens.
And I don't want that.
I want to be with you, Ash, even if it's just for a few hours.
I I'm coming with you.
- What, where? - To the States.
- What? - I'll change my flight.
Here.
- What, here? - Yeah, it's cool.
It's romantic.
- Hey! - Hey! ~ No! ~ Oh! My Swedes.
- Hey, Greg.
- Anders.
- How are you doing? - I'm good.
- How are you? - I'm great.
- And how do you say good morning in Swedish? - It's god morgon.
- God morgon.
- Yes.
Are we ready for the hiker-paths? - Hiker-paths! - Uh-oh, we're gonna hike! - He just said hiker-paths.
- I'm saying the hiker-paths.
That's great.
Did you just come up with that? Well, last night.
It's all good.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- OK yeah, yeah.
Lavelle Kitchen Solutions, Greg Lavelle, CEO speaking.
Sean.
Sorry, it came up as an unknown number, so it was a work thing.
Happy birthday! Where did you get to last night? - What? - They've kept us here all night.
No, not yet.
We're only allowed one call.
Well, I mean I'm touched that you've called me.
Um Yeah, I'll do my best.
I'll phone the embassies and Yeah, I can do that, but I'm About to go hiking.
All right.
Hey, Anders.
Something's come up that I have to deal with, I can't come right now.
But what I can do is come, um .
.
like tomorrow or come late this afternoon.
We'll be in the mountains in a couple of hours, so it has to be now.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Yes, you.
Stop.
The Mahakanti monastery.
Ma-ha-kan-ti monastery, please.
Thank you.
OK, good, good, go! This isn't going to work, is it? We should've just stayed mates.
Or you should've made a move on me sooner, it wouldn't have been in such a rush.
How long until your flight? Four and a half hours.
OK, cool.
I'm sure we'll be out of here in no time.
They're probably just looking for the right form.
What the form for dry-humping next to a temple(?) I think it might take them a while to find that one.
Dylan.
Dildo! - I'm looking for Dylan.
- Try the forest.
OK, thank you.
Dylan! Dylan! Dylan.
Greg.
Dylan.
Um Sean and Ash have been arrested.
- What, why? - Having it off in a temple.
Oh, my goodness, that's not going to go down well.
No, it hasn't gone down well! Thank you! The embassies are doing f-all to help.
The monks are furious.
Come on, we need to help them.
I can't.
We're in the middle of something here.
I was going to say, what are you doing in a hole? - In the nuddy.
- I'm meditating, you know, getting rid of the ego.
Come on, Dyl.
I need this.
Sam's right, I'm toxic, and I'm lost, and I don't know who I am.
- You're Dylan Nutkin.
- Not like that, Greg.
You're Dylan Nutkin.
You're just a normal .
.
slightly wanky guy from Kingston.
Best friends with Sean.
Listen brother, you're not toxic.
You're just 20.
I can't leave now, Greg.
- I'll end up hurting people, you know? - Dylan I don't feel any different, it hasn't worked yet.
It has, actually.
Seeing you suffering like that, in a hole, has really diminished my anger.
- What are you talking about? - Vietnam.
You knew about that? I figured it out.
So you mean, this whole thing isn't real Buddhism.
You know, I don't know, actually, it is.
You are a bloody rotter.
You don't know what you're talking about, because of him, I was fired.
Yeah, I lost my job, I lost the expense account, a cat was injured, - my hair is falling out from the stress.
- Oh, come off it, Sam, you got yourself fired! How did I get myself fired? You threw your cat out of the window and punched your own boss.
- That's not me! - It was an accident, I didn't punch him, I cut him.
You cut your boss? With keys, I cut him with keys, this is what I'm saying, it's a longer story than you know about.
And you refused to take responsibility.
I've given you ample opportunity to admit what you did, - and you never would.
- I thought you were helping me.
You were never going to make a breakthrough anyway, it's not in you.
Well, I have, actually.
Yeah.
I have.
- I realise that YOU are a dick.
- Yes.
And I may not be the best Buddhist.
No, you're a bad Buddhist.
But I'm pretty sure it's not about being angry or cruel, and you don't reach enlightenment by turning your back on the world, - or the people who care about you.
- Actually, you do, that's the idea.
Well, I'm out, then.
I'm going back to my friends.
- Good.
- And you are more than welcome to use that hole.
Do you think we should stop and get Sean a birthday cake? Not on his list of priorities right now, thank you, Dildo.
- I'm so hungry, Greg.
- I couldn't give a shit if you're hungry.
Let's just get there.
Right? You go in and see what you can do.
I'll go and get May and her mum.
Dyl, don't do anything stupid.
All right.
All right, brother.
Or I thought we could go camel trekking through the desert.
Yeah, well, I will need Wi-Fi to Skype Ash, though, mum.
If I don't project manager appeal, she might storm in there stinking of liquor and tell them to eat shit and - drop the mic.
- I seriously doubt they'll give her a mic.
It's OK.
Admin, I'm just here on admin.
- May! - Greg, what are you doing here? - This is a woman's only spa.
I'm sorry, I didn't see them.
- What? - I didn't see you.
- Do not finish that sentence? - The offending articles.
- Oh, my God, Greg.
- Sean and Ash have been arrested! - What? - They're in the police station, they need your help.
Go, go, go, go.
Did anyone call the embassy? They were worse than useless, Vanessa.
OK, go, go, go, go.
Towel.
I mean, what if they're going to execute us? They could have the death penalty here.
Then I guess, we should've kept going.
Oh, my God, Sean.
We'll be fine, don't worry.
What's that? - What's going on? - The British Embassy released you.
Yes, I love you, Britain, I told you.
Good morning.
Sorry for the delay, only just got the message.
I'm the British Ambassador.
Nutkin.
You're British Ambassador? That's right, fast-tracked.
Apologies I couldn't come sooner.
Been on the phone with Boris all morning.
Anyways, I'm happy to report that's it all been dealt with.
You're free to go.
That's great news.
It was a good effort, Dyl.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, anyway.
Cheers.
So, what happened to you being a Buddhist, then? Yeah Decided to be myself for a bit.
You know, not try any costumes on.
Apart from this one, obviously.
It's good to have you back, man.
Nowhere else I'd rather be.
Oh, get a room, you two! Thanks! Hey! - Hey! - You OK? Yeah, we're fine! Are they telling you what's going on? Dylan, you absolute jizz hand! Why are you behind bars, you doughnut? Pretended to be the ambassador.
Didn't quite work out.
Well, that's clearly obvious.
OK, so we talked to the station chief guy and it looks like the monks want to press charges.
Apparently it could take them weeks.
- Oh - Weeks? But what are the charges, though? - They think you might have angered the gods.
- Oh, my God.
So I'm missing my appeal, then? That's that, right? I'm really sorry, Ash.
- Don't be.
- No, It's all my fault.
Of course not, Sean.
Unless It was consensual, right? Don't be a dick, Dylan.
What if it wasn't consensual? What if I said she was an Innocent victim? Uh, you'd be lying.
I practically jumped you.
- Yeah, but they'd let her go, right? - Sean, stop it! - Yeah, they'd have to let her go.
- May! - Let's just do that, then.
- No, not happening! - Hey! I need to report something! - Don't do that! - It was me! It was all me! - He's lying! He's lying! You need to let her go, all right? OK, OK, you're free to go now.
Your friend has talked to the monk.
Your charge has been dropped.
- What? - Oh, my God! What friend? Here they come.
Hello! - You! - Hi! - You do this? - Yes.
Well, we did.
I think I might have called you a rotter earlier.
- Sorry about that.
- It's OK.
- How? - Well, he sort of owed me.
And as a disciple of mine once said, "Holding anger while practising Buddhism "does not make much spiritual sense.
" Well, your disciple was right.
One last thing.
I said you would make a donation to help fix the temple roof that was damaged during the earthquake, to the tune of about $10,000.
10 I should have said that up top.
I'm so sorry.
Can I transfer the money online? Yes, all right, OK.
Oh, yeah, fiscally they're very, very modern.
OK, well, that's my karma quotient.
Thumbs up, buttercup.
- Shall we? - OK.
Please.
Oh, please! Namaste.
- Who was that? - Long story, but, um Thanks, Mom.
It's just nice to be needed.
- And you should go pack, by the way.
- What? So you can go home with Ashley.
It's clearly what you want.
- Oh! - Thank you! So, we can just go now? You have to.
You're being deported, right away.
Well This is it.
Bye, May.
I'm so glad we weren't able to get rid of you.
Thank you so much, May, you're going to make me cry! - Oh - You daft apeth.
We're not going to lose touch, not be like the Thai bandits.
I swear, honestly.
Ash! - Send me postcards.
- I'll send them straight back.
- Please be careful.
- Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
- All one word, two Ls.
- Sean.
Please, just one second.
Please, can you just give us a minute? Man, God! - Give me one second.
- Please.
Just, like, one sec.
Oh! OK, come and stay as soon as you're legally allowed, OK? Yeah.
But I might try to smuggle my way into the country before then.
Yeah, great idea -- Americans love people entering their country illegally.
- Hey! No! - What are you doing? - Wait, please! - We're not finished.
Hey, Sean, Sean! We're going to do your 22nd birthday on Machu Picchu OK? - Promise me! - Yup, I promise! - Where is that? - Look it up! Hey, don't drag her, that's not cool! All right.
Go on, F off, away with you! Bye, Greg! Oh, thank you.
This deportation thing is actually pretty ideal, cos we can do our last two weeks travelling just around the UK.
We can do Avebury stone circle, which is kind of like a Stonehenge but before it was famous.
Dyl, we're not travelling any more.
We're going home now.
Right.
Oh, we can also do Wordsworth's house! Do you know what? I might just bite the bullet - and join the National Trust! - Wow! You're a psycho, you know that? What? Keep this gap year rolling, mate.
It's not a gap year.
Well, no, not yet.
So Where do you go from here? India.
I hear Darjeeling's supposed to be pretty banging this time of year.
- Because I hear it's cheaper if we join forces.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I know for a fact it is.
- So - So.
- Top five Tom Cruise films.
- What do you got? - Oh, yes, please Vanessa! Number one, Mission: Impossible.
Number two, Mission: Impossible 2.
Three Mission: Impossible 3.
Four, Cocktail.
Five, Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol.
- Yes! - That was fast! I've played it before once or twice! - You? What are yours? - Um I kind of like Days Of Thunder.
Oh! Stop it.