GCB (2012) s01e08 Episode Script
Pride Comes Before a Fall
1 This feels weird, stealing another church's stuff.
It's church literature, not gold bricks.
They want you to take it.
And why are why taking it? Three families the Robersons, the Smiths, and the Kanagawas left our church and joined this one.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason.
So you're scoping out the competition.
No.
You you don't know what it means to a new pastor when congregants leave a church.
It's like losing family.
It hurts.
I want to do my job better.
Reverend Steve.
Look at that hair.
So it is competition.
We went to seminary together.
(Alarm chirps) Mm-hmm.
He's perfect encyclopedic knowledge of scripture, plays guitar, married the prettiest girl in our "preaching through the psalms class.
" (Seat belt clicks) Okay.
Uh, maybe I am a little competitive.
I'm human, but I try not to be.
(Seat belt clicks) Let's get out of here.
(Starts engine) Oh! (Brakes squeal) Johnny boy! I thought that was you.
Ah.
(Chuckles) What's the haps at hillside park united memorial? Everything's awesome, Steve.
(Chuckles) How's life at hillside park shared remembrance? Blessed.
What brings you here? !! Amanda Vaughn.
Uh Uh, church secretary.
Oh.
Uh, we were picking out (Chuckles) A new font for our bulletins, and we heard you had a good one.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Is this times new Roman? Garamond.
Ah.
(Chuckles) Oh, John, y'all want to check out our amphitheater? Our performing arts ministry is rehearsing "Godspell.
" (Chuckles) Uh, sorry.
Gotta get going.
So much to do.
(Chuckles) What's your annual musical? I'm sure you're planning something huge, it being your 75th anniversary and all.
Well we're doing the most incredible show in the history of hillside park, much bigger than "Godspell.
" Oh, what is it? It's original.
It's never been done before, and we're we're creating our own thing.
Wow.
Good luck with it.
Mm-hmm.
Put me down for a ticket.
Okay.
I'll pray for y'all.
Oh! Aah! (Laughs) (Chuckles) That was some serious false witnessing.
Not if we do an original musical.
Corky quit.
You can't do a musical without a choir director.
Uh, the best we can hope for is a messiah sing-along.
No, a musical is good for church morale and your ministry, and if we knock it out of the park, those fugitive families will come crawling back.
(Chuckles) And where are we gonna find an easily producible, religiously themed show? You may not know this, but one of your members is a playwright.
I'm not a playwright.
I'm a playwrote.
(Thud) How do you even remember my old play? Because it beat mine in the tenth grade creative writing competition, therefore I had to punish you for two years.
I can't even remember the title.
It was something about the miracles of Jesus.
"The miracles of Jesus" by Heather Cruz! And you're gonna direct it? I was a former head cheerleader.
If I can control a dozen teenage girls, I can choreograph some dancing loaves and fishes, with a little assistance from you? Oh, no way.
No! I was one of your cheerleaders.
You know how many eating disorders you left in your wake? Let's not rehash.
(Lowered voice) Amanda, now I love you, but as a leader, you were a manipulative tyrant.
I have no interest in going back there.
You know I'm not the same mean girl I used to be, but it's hard to get past the horrible things I did in High School.
Pulling off an amazing musical brings the church together, and it's my way to publically wipe my karma Slate clean.
Write a check.
It's so much easier.
I can't keke giant donations like Carlene and Cricket.
I can do this.
"The miracles of Jesus" is me giving of me, you helping me give me, and you get to give, too.
Yeah, I can't follow that.
Just help me put on a show.
Who knows? You might even meet a nice guy.
Church musical is the one theatrical event where the men are straight, and I could work it to get some publicity for my real estate.
That's the Christian spirit.
"'The miracles of Jesus, ' an original musical depicting "the son of God's phenomenon.
Auditions are tomorrow.
"Come prepared to dance and sing 16 bars of 'this little light of mine.
'" I presume you'll be there, Carlene.
(Chuckles) Oh, silly Cricket.
You know I don't audition.
I'm always just given the lead.
It's tradition.
Yes, you up there on stage every year is just like death and taxes, but your beloved choir director corky is gone.
Well, then who's directing the show? Amanda Vaughn directing and choreographing.
This is diabolical.
I will not audition for Amanda Vaughn.
Well, I would love to audition, but, you know, Zack's out of town, and I am just swamped with losin' it with Jesus.
Who knew cooking a Bible-based diet plan would be so time-consuming? Plus I have been booked on the "Texas excess" shopping channel, and I have to got to find an image consultant.
Good for you, Sharon.
Crick, what supporting role are you shootin' for? Actually, I'm going up for the lead.
I believe I was born to play the holy spirit.
Cricket, Cricket, Cricket, you slay me.
You're not physically right for the role.
Oh? You've seen a body shot of the holy ghost, have you? Well, whatever happens, however this turns out, we can't let it affect our friendship.
Of course it won't.
Nothing could ever change how I feel about you.
Oh, break legs, y'all.
(Beeps and clatters) (Beeps and clatters) (Sighs) Cricket is trying to steal my God-given right to the lead role.
(Sighs) What if she's successful? The entire congregation expects my triumph at every musical endeavor this church puts forth.
It's been years since the "exodus" operetta, and folks are still talking about my burning bush.
So win it at the audition.
I don't think it's possible, Ripp.
Whenever Amanda Vaughn is in a position of power, she does this.
She wouldn't even let me be on the cheerleading squad because of my acne vulgaris.
Those were the old days.
You are now a magnificent, secure woman.
Would it help if I came with you to the audition for moral support? (Wheels clack) (Indistinct conversations) (Amplified voice) Ahem.
(Microphone feedback whines) Hello.
I'm Cricket Caruth-Reilly, and I will be auditioning for the role of the holy spirit.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce that Cricket Caruth industries, as part of its commitment to charity, community, and diversity, will be providing the production's Broadway-caliber high-wire aerial equipment, lighting, and sound.
(Chuckles) Oh.
Hey.
An airborne holy spirit is how I always saw the finale in my head.
We're gonna make reverend Steve's musical look like a preschool production of "Peter Pan.
" (Chuckles) Guys, don't be manipulated.
Using her money to get what she wants is vintage Cricket.
Ignore the bribe.
You know, High School Amanda would have taken that.
Well, this is grown-up Amanda, and she is evaluating people on talent alone.
(High-pitched voice) And up (Deep voice) And down the Cricket.
(Normal voice) Yes? We appreciate the gesture, but we won't be needing your fancy gadgets.
Just your voice.
(High-pitched voice) Fine.
(Plays note) This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine let it shine let it shine let it shine (Electronic drum beats) (Rapping) hide it under a bushel, yo! (Singing) shine, shine, shine shine, shine, shine shine, shine shine, shine (High-pitched voice) ah ha! hide it under a bushel, no I'm gonna let it shine hide it under a bushel, no she's gonna let it shine (Both) let it shine, let it shine, let it shine over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) Over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) Over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah, ah, ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) (Both) let it shine, let it shine, let it shine (High-pitched voice) ah yes! (Pops) (Gasps) (Congregants murmuring) Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
Hello, everyone.
I just want to say thank you all for your talents.
I think you'll find that there is a role for everyone who tried out.
Oh! (Gasps) Ohh.
Carlene is the holy spirit?! (Murmuring) Thank you, crick.
Shouted from the mountaintops like a true friend (Sighs) And a good loser.
And, Ripp, darlin', you're Jesus.
Jesus? How could I be Jesus? I didn't even audition.
You have an inherent calm strength, plus your sheer size is both commanding and comforting.
But the words that I'll be saying are capital "h" his.
What if I don't do 'em right? Your reverence is exactly why you're perfect for the part.
Amanda, Amanda, I'm so glad you set aside hostility in favor of sheer talent.
Carlene, I have no bad feelings towards you or anyone.
For me, this production is about public positivity.
Honestly, when all is said, sung, and done and all folks can do is talk about the jaw-dropping knockout performance by your lead (Chuckles) You're gonna love me.
I'm gonna make you look so good.
(Chuckles) And him and him and her And you Okay.
And not you.
Possibly you, though.
I'm Lazarus, and you're the leper, huh? We get to share the stage, get cured by Christ together.
Fun, right? The leper? I will not play a supporting role to that Squeaky little housewife! I know, baby.
I know you're disappointed, but, hey, you and I have a dance.
Come on.
Let's go get us some new tap shoes.
You tell Amanda I quit.
She can find someone else to represent the plight of a disfiguring skin disease.
I have an empire to run.
Excuse me! (Exhales deeply) "Texas excess"? (Chuckles) Oh, darling, that is one of my favorite late-night guilty TV shopping pleasures.
I just adore my crocodile toilet seat cover.
Now you can order my meals on it on the TV channel, that is Oh.
Which is exact why I need you.
Gigi stopper, please help make me camera-ready.
(Chuckles) I'm hardly an image consultant.
You are the woman behind the stopper girls.
Anytime you coached a girl for a pageant, by golly, that crown got slapped on her head by night's end.
I retired from that life years ago, and why would you need me? As I recall, you've won a few crowns (Lowered voice) Of your own.
Yes, but your girls exuded such poise and confidence.
Gigi, I know I can cook, and I feel good about my accomplishments along my personal journey, but sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously.
You're such a happy little peanut of a girl.
Why would you want anything else? Because I am going to be the face of losin' it with Jesus.
I need this to work, because Because I want to change people's lives, and I swear, gigi, eating biblically has changed mine.
As you know, I have a reputation for perfection.
If I were to risk that, it would mean that you would have to do everything exactly as I say and never question me.
Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
Give it me.
Let me have it.
I can take it.
That outfit you've got on looks like tinker bell threw up on it.
And lights up.
(Woman) Ew.
It a a leper.
Don't touch him! Have, like (Thuds) Mercy on me.
Stand back, ye, and know that the lord gazes kindly upon the afflicted.
Yes, I will heal this sick person.
Lord, if you are willing, make me less gross.
(Ripp) Rise What do you think? (Chuckles) (Lowered voice) Bozeman Peacham's taking some liberty with the dialogue.
Howdy, thespians.
(Gasps) Steve, what are you doing here? Thought I'd pay you a visit (Whispers) See how the big miracles are going.
Just great.
Uh, first day of rehearsals.
I love your bird.
What's she supposed to be, a toucan, wounded ostrich? That's our holy spirit.
She's just finding her stage wings.
It's kind of a bare-bones set.
Gosh, we have a rotating platform (Chuckles) And lasers, but, hey, less is more.
Sometimes.
Mm.
Well, so what if our set is bare-bones? Jesus was a simple man of few needs.
(Chuckles) Still, that flight harness Cricket was willing to donate would have been cool.
(Chuckles) Well, uh, whatever.
We'll make it work.
It is underwhelming, isn't it? Well, yeah, maybe a little, but, hey, that's the cast you chose, and that's our stage, and whether you like it or not, you're looking at your "clean-Slate karma comin'-out" party.
Not if I add one more name to the guest list.
High School Amanda? (Gasps) (Whispers) Oh, no! No, no, no, no! It'll be fine.
I'll just let her out for a quick second.
Okay, fine.
Well, wherever you send her, you let me know, so I can take an alternate route.
I don't want to get dragged into this.
(Mouths word) Nobody is gonna get hurt.
I'm just gonna go talk to Cricket.
Look, I need the show to be better.
A lot of people are counting on me, including me, and I'm not gonna let them All of us down.
It's gonna be great.
(Pants) (Classical music playing) (Water trickling) Mmm.
I never realized how beautiful your garden is.
Mm.
That's because you've never been invited into it Which is such an oversight on my part.
(Chuckles) I look forward to many more good times like these.
Thank you, Cricket.
You're welcome, Amanda.
Damn it, what do you want? (Clatters) For you to come back to the musical.
Since I have been up, I have fired my west coast legal team, bought a small mining village in Ghana, and rehired my west coast legal team.
Do you really think I have time for a silly play? I want the church to unite around an incredible production, so I need the lights, the speakers, the Broadway-caliber flight harness, and the wirework technicians that you offered.
I see.
This is a business call, hmm? And why would I want to do business with the person who crushed my dreams by passing me over for the lead? You haven't changed since High School, Amanda.
You are evil to the core.
Good day.
You can show yourself out.
I never thought the time would come when I would see a Captain of industry quit.
It's oy, y, Cricket.
I understand why you dropped out.
You must be petrified of me directing you now.
Please.
Today I can squish you like a bug, Amanda stopper.
You just used my maiden name.
Huh.
Obviously, you're not totally over it.
You can claim no credit for my motivation.
This is about besting Carlene on the boards and finally gettin' my time in the spotlight! If you want the spotlight, come back to the show.
I am not a dream crusher.
I'm a dream maker.
(Lights clank) Ow! My eyes.
These puppies are a candle compared to what they got over there at "Texas excess.
" Suck it up.
Now tell us about your diet plan.
Hit it.
Okay.
Hi, y'all.
I'm Sharon Peacham, and losin' it with Jesus is my super delicious, Bible-inspired diet plan.
Yum, yum! (Clicks) Okay, honey.
You want to be taken seriously? Mm-hmm.
Drop your voice an octave.
(Deep voice) Mm.
Find the graceful hands that God gave you And never say "y'all.
" Never? And I've always wondered What's up with this? (Gasps) The Sharon curl is my trademark look, like farrah Fawcett's bangs, Kate middleton's wave, Donald trump's forelock.
Stopper girls aren't defined by frilly wisps of hair.
(Sighs) Stopper girls personify the substance and stature I give them.
Be quick and merciful.
Okay, we'll work on that.
Mm.
Right now, repeat after me.
My name is Sharon Peacham, and I shed 60 pounds with my revolutionary, new weight loss system.
N I but I only lost 12.
Losing 12 pounds is a stomach virus.
(Lowered voice) Losing 60 is sexy.
(Lights clank) (Deep, quavering voice) I'm Sharon Peacham, and I lost (Normal voice) Shed (Deep, quavering voice) 60 pounds Mm With my revolutionary, new weight loss program.
(Clears throat) And again Lazarus, come forth.
(Grunts) (Grunts) I feel like I should help him.
Go with that instinct, Ripp.
(Thuds) Am I alive? (Mouths word) It's a miracle.
("It's a miracle" playing) (Rips) It's a miracle, miracle a true-blue spectacle a miracle come true we're together, baby I was going crazy till the miracle came through (Mouths words) Now you're here, and my arms are around you and, baby, they'll be dancin' in the streets for the miracle, miracle the true-blue spectacle the miracle is you miracle is you Uh (Chuckles) Mm-hmm Look, I-I'm sorry.
I know the music is, uh, it's a little dated.
You know, Heather wrote this when she was 15.
Don't be sorry.
(Chuckles) My mama's the biggest fanilow there is.
Dragged me to every concert in the southwest.
Amanda, this show is looking amazing.
Yes, isn't it? (Chuckles) (Claps hands) I almost forgot ya, babe Sorry I'm late! I had carmelita hot-glue some extra rhinestones (Whispers) I'm sorry.
To my holy spirit costume.
Burned her thumbs, poor thing, but she was happy to do it for one of the trinity.
Carlene, can I see you for a minute? Yeah.
Everyone, take five.
Come on.
Carlene, I'm coming to you for some Christian understanding.
Amanda, Amanda, dear director Amanda, I offer no other kind.
Well, you know sometimes in theater, changes have to be made.
Even the best Broadway productions occasionally have to recast parts.
Oh, don't get me started.
Bozeman Peacham is a terrible leper.
Well, in the best interest of the play, and, trust me, it is, I need you to be the leper.
Bozeman Peacham is a wonderful leper.
No, he's gonna be the fig tree now.
It's perfect.
I know the leper wasn't your first choice, but it's a 3-dimensional part.
There's a beautiful solo, and I think you would bring a real level of humanity to the role.
Who's playing the holy spirit? (Inhales deeply) Cricket.
Ohh.
Oh! Carlene.
Can you are you honey calm down.
It's happening again.
What? You cut me from the cheer squad because I had bad skin, and now you're making me play the leper? Oh.
Oh, God.
(Panting) Oh.
How did I miss the symmetry of that? I can't And I won't.
Okay.
I mean, if that's your decision, it'll just be another year before the church puts on another musical, and (inhales deeply) I'd hate to have the congregation forget about your talent (Inhales deeply) Or you.
Come on, Carlene.
Just be my leper.
I don't know what I'll do.
(Moans) Oh, God! (Chuckles nervously) See? (Sighs) Honey, there's nothin', not even a pimple.
It's an imperfection.
The stress Amanda has caused by recasting me as the leper is literally turning me into one.
Ohh.
You know, I-I'm sure Amanda had good reason for puttin' Cricket in the lead.
(Sighs) You know, sometimes people in power have to make hard decisions.
Oh, don't I know it? I'm in a power position with my multimillion-dollar real estate development, condos for Christian living.
Thought that was illegal.
We're working on it.
(Gasps) Well, hey.
How would you like first dibs at selling every single unit? (Chuckles) Oh, are you kiddin'? Of course.
That's a lucrative contract.
Well, I'm willing to be a lucrative gal (Chuckles) If you fix the leper situation.
Ohh.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Chuckles) I-I am so not involved.
Take it up with "High School Amanda.
" Heather Cruz.
(Sighs) Do you know why I list so many property holdings with you? 'Cause we're friends? No, because of your work ethic, which up to now has seemed strong as an ox.
I don't bring ecclesiastes out lightly, but let's visit 9:10.
"Whatever thy hand finds to do, do it with all thy might.
" Show me your might, Heather, or (Whispers) I might have to show other people the business I give you.
This is specifically calibrated to our body weight.
You can't gain an ounce before opening night.
I'm on day four of an ice cube and bamboo cleanse.
Not a problem.
All right, guys.
Let's start with the leper number.
Has anyone heard from Carlene? I'm here, right behind the writer.
Hey, everybody.
(Sighs) Okay, new scripts.
Here you go.
Pass 'em along.
What are you doing? Surviving.
(Sighs) After careful consideration, I realized that the holy spirit as narrator is biblically inaccurate.
It doesn't even speak, so I have rewritten the story with a new and more relatable lead (High-pitched voice) The leper.
After she's cured.
I hope this is a joke.
Oh, Cricket, don't worry.
You are omnipresently hovering throughout.
You just can't speak.
Amanda, are you gonna stand for this? Heather, a moment.
(Sighs) Hmm.
(Lowered voice) What's with the changes? (Lowered voice) Look (Sighs) One minute I am pulling a forgotten play off a shelf, and the next Carlene is threatening my business if I don't rewrite it.
Oh, no.
All I intended was to help you, see my words come to life, and maybe hook up with that cute dentist over there holding a loaf.
I never expected to feel powerless and intimidated like I did in High School.
I never meant for you to get pulled into this.
Well, you channeled your inner mean girl, and I did.
Just for a millisecond.
You know it was for a good reason.
Yeah, well, I can say the same thing about my new draft.
This version is absurd.
We can't do it.
Look, Amanda, my livelihood is at stake, so you sail your ship like you need to, but don't give me grief 'cause I'm trying to stay afloat, too.
Okay! Let's rehearse.
(Clatters) You have a whole hour booked, so remember, keep your host engaged at all times.
What if there's a lull? Un-lull it.
Go to your talking points the middle eastern origin of your diet, why the pomegranate may have been the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden Mm.
And the antioxidant power of manna.
That's an awful lot to remember.
You'll be fine.
Mm.
Just remember, lower your voice, use your hands, and don't say "y'all.
" Now (Grunts and sniffles) You glide on out there and do me proud.
(Inhales deeply) Sharon.
(High-pitched voice) Mm! Welcome back to ""Texas excess".
" We are here with the lovely Ms.
Sharon Peacham, who this evening is cooking up some godly grub for all you dieters out there.
Sharon? (Deep, stilted voice) Yes, losin' it with Jesus is my diet meal and lifestyle plan that uses biblically inspired foods to slim your waistline, nourish your soul, and save your cholesterol from the devil's sugary temptations.
With this plan, not only do you you get my meals delivered to your home translation no more cookin'.
(Normal voice) But y'all (Deep, stilted voice) You'll Also receive my monthly newsletter, which reveals my private secrets and musings on pomegranates, manna, and (Gulps) (Whispers) The middle east.
(Normal voice) The middle east.
(Mouths word) It's so sad there.
Oh, lord.
The (Deep, stilted voice) Palestinians and israelites have opposing views on peace, which is really no different from any other hot-tttton issues, like (Gasps, normal voice) Like euthanasia or the true place of our president's birth.
(Whispers) Um (Mouths words) Why don't we check (Chuckles) (Deep, stilted voice) Those phone lines, Lonnie? Are you all right, Sharon? (Voice breaks) No.
(Gasps) Well, while Ms.
Sharon takes a short break Sharon.
Why don't we get a close-up shot of these, uh, these baskets she's brought along? You came back here! I b I believe these are some some lovely figs.
No, I can't go back there.
And, um, and these it looks like a-a skewer of of meatballs.
(Organ playing) A boy stepped forth with a fish and barley loaf, so Jesus multiplied them.
Ta-da Go, my people.
Enjoy your lunch.
(Thuds) Kitten, I think that's my line.
Really? I felt so motivated to speak.
Okay, that's it.
We've had our fun.
We are going back to the original, non-blasphemous version of this musical.
Carlene is the holy spirit.
(Gasps) Cricket is the leper, and Jesus is the only one here with miraculous powers.
Amanda, dear, without me as the lead, fine.
Do what you have to do.
Boys, down! Now.
Pack everything up.
The deal's off.
Wait one holy minute.
I now get why I was recast.
Talent-challenged Cricket bribed her way to the top.
I'm horrified.
Okay.
Really? You know, you check your reflection in your sequins, clelene, because that's exactly what you did by threatening me.
Ah.
Now I see how the leper was rewritten as the lead.
You can forget about my Christ condos.
Fine.
Oh, I see.
So you two had a little deal yourselves? I'm not surprised.
Poor Heather.
Always handin' over her muffin to anyone with butter.
Your audition sucked.
Oh, 'cause this is the miracle of playmaking right here Oh, please! Running around with plastic bread! Come on.
You were dying! Girls! Girls, why are we tearing each other from limb to limb? If I'm not mistaken, this whole thing started because of Amanda Vaughn, and I am it did.
You know, I Carlene! You are in church.
Cricket, you hold it there, too.
I am trying to do something nice for this congregation and pastor Tudor.
Really? Is that who you were thinking of when you solicited my equipment? And made me a leper? And destroyed my financial security? Seems like our holy sanctuary has become the dreaded gymnasium of hillside high, and the head cheerleader is back.
Amanda, you aren't doing this for the church.
You are doing it for the only girl you would ever let at the top of that pyramid you.
Are you kidding? I had nothing but the best intentions when I started this.
Yes, I went to Cricket for the flight harness and recast Carlene.
I admit that mistake, but you people have brought your own crazy to the party.
Now we're here the night before we open with an atrocious mess of a show, and you're talking about High School.
Maybe it's because you're the ones who never left.
You know, you may have grown up, but from where I stand, you're still the same insecure, desperate, pathetic losers.
(Gasps) Yeah, I said it.
You wanted the girl at the top of the pyramid, you got her.
So glue on a leprosy sore, slap on those tacky wings, pass out the old scripts, and do what I say.
(Gasps) (Buckles click) (Gasps) (Whistles) We are changing churches.
Cricket, come on.
Okay.
Let's just take it from the top.
(Murmuring) (Doors open) ((Doors close) Where's our stellar cast? Running.
Screaming.
Who knows? I think it's safe to say the musical's off.
All right.
(Sighs) Back to the messiah sing-along.
You're not upset? Pastor Steve's gonna eat this up with his chiclet teeth.
Wounded pride didn't kill me when Steve and I were in seminary, and it won't kill me now.
I wish I was that evolved.
(Chuckles) Lately all I've thought about is how I look to the world and how this musical would make me look even better.
Here I thought you were trying to help the church.
There might have been an ulterior motive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I think I'm doing good things in Dallas, but being here is a constant reminder of who I used to be, which was a complete and total bi scuit.
Yeah.
Succeeding with this play was my way of publicizing once and for all that I've changed.
(Sighs) I know it sounds crazy.
Not if it's the way you feel.
Clearly, you hurt people, Amanda, and that hurts you deeply.
Yeah, but it didn't stop me from doing it again.
In trying to bury the mean girl, I just brought her back to life and destroyed Carlene, Cricket, and Heather.
Destroyed? I'm afraid those three are tough enough to survive the apocalypse.
(Chuckles) Still, I'd like to make it right by them.
You can't control when someone forgives you.
You can only forgive yourself, be patient, and hope they come around.
Old wounds are hard to heal.
It takes time to move forward.
(Sighs) Moving forward isn't the answer.
I've gotta go back.
Sharon, honey, open up.
(Sobs, high-pitched voice) No.
You don't have to go back out there.
(Footsteps approach) (Door creaks) Really? I lied.
You've got to go back out there! What for? More humiliation? I failed you, gigi.
I failed everyone I know.
We needed this for our business.
"Our business"? What are you talking about? This isn't some vanity project (Voice breaking) I just put together.
This was my chance to help our family survive.
What do you mean? You you got a house that's almost a continent.
Zack's car dealership has come under some tough times.
What with the economic downturn, seems like people are cutting back on their luxury vehicles.
Way back.
Seems like totally back.
We need this.
(Whispers) I had no idea.
(Sighs) And here I am adding pressure to the problem.
No, it's not your fault that I messed up.
You just wanted me to be my best.
You know what's the worst? How much my own ego is wrapped up in this.
You know, after Amanda ran away, I started coaching pageants to get my pride back.
Shine those girls up like new pennies so nobody would look at me and my failings as a mother.
I want you to forget everything I taught you.
(Gasps) Your best quality is something that I could never give you your heart.
You just go out there and you be yourself, and there's just no tellin' how many meals you're gonna sell.
(Whispers) Do you really mean it? I do.
One more thing.
Okay.
You're ready.
Now hang on a second, Sharon.
Do you mean to tell me that mustard vinaigrette is in the Bible? Well, Matthew 13:31 mentions the mustard seed.
They had vinegar.
They had olive oil.
I'd like to think so.
(Chuckles) With God, all things are possible.
They sure are, and look at that ticker.
(Gasps) Clearly, our audience believes in you, Sharon Peacham, and your products.
(Chuckles) Thank you so much for joining us.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, and remember, everybody, nothing does a body good like losin' it with Jesus, y'all.
(Lights clank, bell rings) (Laughs) How about that? Well done, darlin'.
You really got your second wind.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll see you again.
I'll see you! (Chuckles) (Man) Have a good day then.
Darlin'! (Both laughing) You just hit it out of the park! I know.
I mean, it's 500 meal plans, so it's baby steps, but I'll take it! (Chuckles) 500 meals or plans? Right.
Three meals a day plus two snacks every week for a month.
Oh, no.
You're gonna need a bigger kitchen.
(Gasps) (Alarm chirps) I should have known if designer discounts were involved, you wouldn't be far behind.
(Alarm chirps) The Neiman's secret warehouse sale is by invite only.
Did you pay someone for the tip? Well, I got a secret text from a blocked number.
So did I.
Me, too.
(Sighs) Something doesn't feel right.
I needed to get you all in one place.
(Gasps) (Clatters) (Sighs) We've been hoodwinked.
By a delusional woman who thinks she can still fit into her old cheerleader uniform.
Um, excuse me, I totally can (Chuckles) But that's beside the point.
Look, the uniform is symbolic.
It just takes us back to a time when I was a fox, the most popular girl in High School, and I abused anyone below me by making them javelinas with a mud bath.
Uh She's got mud.
Run.
She's gonna javelina us again.
No! You Get to javelina me.
(Sighs) Oh.
Come on.
It'll give me closure, and I think it'll help you to move on, too.
Amanda, Amanda.
(Sighs) We are upstanding members of this community.
We are not about to sling mud.
(Laughs) Come on, Carlene.
An eye for an eye.
Not our testament.
We turn the other cheek.
I slept with your brother.
(Gasps) You caught your son masturbating to a photo of me.
(Gasps) You couldn't become a star even if Hollywood was destroyed by a meteor.
(Reba Mcentire's "a little want to" playing) Aah! (A scream) Ohh! Ohh.
There ain't no excuse, that's what my mama said you gotta get up and get out of bed I do not have herpes! Ohh! Give it to her! I don't have herpes! Yeah! Nice shot.
Aah! Thank you! (All screaming and laughing) Ohh! Aah! Heather, you don't have enough on you! (All laughing) A little want to a want to Doesn't everyone feel better? (Spits) Oh, I never liked this dress.
I never liked that either.
(Laughs) Carlene.
(Sighs) Carlene.
Oh, Carlene.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
Of course you could become a star if a meteor destroyed Hollywood.
No, I couldn't.
I tried.
Lord knows I tried.
Ugh.
I wanted to be a star.
I had dreams of unauthorized biographies and pressing my body parts into wet cement.
I had a plan.
Then I met Ripp, and I gave it all up.
Carlene.
Don't get me wrong.
I love my family and I love my life, but there's a teeny, tiny part of me that regrets giving up on my dream.
I guess that's why I have trouble giving up the spotlight now.
(Gasps) Oh.
Oh.
Sweetheart, it seems to me you live your dreams every Sunday in church when you sing your solo.
You inspire dozens of people, even me.
Hell, I just want to twinkle like you for one day.
Then you should take the holy spirit.
No.
No, I am more than mildly content (Chuckles) To be your supporting leper.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
Don't you make me cry in this parking lot.
And you.
I'm sorry I used my power (Sighs) In an ungodly way.
Those condos for Christian living they're yours.
With a 2.
5% increase in my normal commissions.
Done.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) No, you're gross.
No.
(Inhales deeply and sighs) The musical is on! (Laughter) No, not quite.
You weren't the only ones to walk yesterday.
Everyone quit.
But this town deserves to see me soar to the rafters.
We gotta do somethin'.
Showtime is in a matter of hours.
We have to act fast.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
Who has tissues? You need more than wipes.
You do.
I have wet ones.
Oh, no.
I think I'm gonna call a cab.
We are not taking my car.
Where are my keys? We need to call the cast back a.
S.
A.
P.
We can't pull this off, not without a miracle.
(Organ playing) What's happening? Well, you didn't think I'd let these good folks' hard work go down the drain, did you? I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" Turns out, he'd direct.
Oh, Ripp.
I just knew you'd save the day.
(Chuckles) Now let's strap me into the flight harness so we can get the show on the road.
Not so fast.
Now I never wanted to be in this musical in the first place, but playing this role has brought me closer to God, and as his son's representative tonight, it is my duty to protect my flock.
We're okay now.
We threw mud at each other.
Yes.
Okay's not good enough.
If I let you back through these doors, you will behave like decent, honorable Christian women.
Got it? Verbal confirmation is necessary.
Yes.
I know you're not talking about me.
I didn't do anything, but yeah.
Fine.
(Thuds) (Gasps) All right! Now let's get the show on the road.
Whoo! They're back! Okay, Ripp, where did we start? Where did we leave off? (Ripp) Cue scene 32.
(Indistinct conversations) Ooh! Opening night.
I know.
Hey.
How you doing? (Indistinct conversations) Red leather.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Hey.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Good luck.
Red.
(Chuckles) Yellow leather.
Oh! Sorry.
(Chuckles) You're gonna be great! Break a leg.
(Man) All right, places! Places, everyone.
Ooh! (Whispers) Sorry.
(Sighs) Ohh.
God.
(Gasps) Hi.
(Chuckles) (Lowered, singsongy voice) Opening/closing night! (Both chuckle) (Inhales deeply) (Whispers) Ohh.
(Whispering) Oh, Bozeman looks so cute.
He's gonna kill the first number.
(Murmuring) (Keyboard clicking) (Whispering) Bozeman! Bozeman! (Whoosh, thud) What? Oh.
(Chuckles) (Scattered chuckles) I am a fig tree (Dixie chicks' "some days you gotta dance" playing) High atop a hill.
Well, there's always one little kink you gotta work out.
Whoo! It was about 5 to 5:00 on Friday and we were all gettin' ready to go my heart was thumpin' (Clink) I was jumpin' I had to get away some days you gotta dance live it up when you get the chance 'cause when the world doesn't make no sense and you're feelin' just a little too tense gotta loosen up those chains and dance 'cause when the world doesn't make no sense and you're feelin' just a little too tense gotta loosen up those chains and dance Your finale's gonna rock.
("Jesus is just alright" playing) Jesus is just alright with me Jesus is just alright oh, yeah Jesus is just alright with me Jesus is just alright I don't care what they may say I don't care what they may do (Lowered voice) Cricket wore that flight harness last.
Yeah.
We didn't recalibrate it for Carlene.
(Gasps) Oh, yeah Jesus is just alright Whoa! Aah! Aah! Aah! (Whimpers) Aah.
Help me! Help! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! I don't care what they may say I don't care what they may do aah! Watch out! What they do I don't care Help me! What they say Aah! (Glass clatters) (Grunts) Aah! (Thud) Uhh! (Ripp) Kitten, are you okay?! (Gasps) Jesus is just alright (All) oh, yeah Hoo! (Cheering) Oh.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Oh.
(Chuckles) (Cheering continues) Ohh.
"Cataclysmic calamity" is too kind a phrase.
I'll surrender my clipboard tomorrow.
Are you kiddin'? I generally don't like clapping in church, but listen to that applause.
I know my congregation.
It's not that easy gettin' 'em to their feet.
Be proud of yourself, Amanda.
Take a bow.
Oh, no.
I don't I don't deserve to.
Come on.
Yeah, come on.
No, no.
No.
Come on.
Just get out there.
No.
Pastor Tudor.
(Cheering continues)
It's church literature, not gold bricks.
They want you to take it.
And why are why taking it? Three families the Robersons, the Smiths, and the Kanagawas left our church and joined this one.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason.
So you're scoping out the competition.
No.
You you don't know what it means to a new pastor when congregants leave a church.
It's like losing family.
It hurts.
I want to do my job better.
Reverend Steve.
Look at that hair.
So it is competition.
We went to seminary together.
(Alarm chirps) Mm-hmm.
He's perfect encyclopedic knowledge of scripture, plays guitar, married the prettiest girl in our "preaching through the psalms class.
" (Seat belt clicks) Okay.
Uh, maybe I am a little competitive.
I'm human, but I try not to be.
(Seat belt clicks) Let's get out of here.
(Starts engine) Oh! (Brakes squeal) Johnny boy! I thought that was you.
Ah.
(Chuckles) What's the haps at hillside park united memorial? Everything's awesome, Steve.
(Chuckles) How's life at hillside park shared remembrance? Blessed.
What brings you here? !! Amanda Vaughn.
Uh Uh, church secretary.
Oh.
Uh, we were picking out (Chuckles) A new font for our bulletins, and we heard you had a good one.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Is this times new Roman? Garamond.
Ah.
(Chuckles) Oh, John, y'all want to check out our amphitheater? Our performing arts ministry is rehearsing "Godspell.
" (Chuckles) Uh, sorry.
Gotta get going.
So much to do.
(Chuckles) What's your annual musical? I'm sure you're planning something huge, it being your 75th anniversary and all.
Well we're doing the most incredible show in the history of hillside park, much bigger than "Godspell.
" Oh, what is it? It's original.
It's never been done before, and we're we're creating our own thing.
Wow.
Good luck with it.
Mm-hmm.
Put me down for a ticket.
Okay.
I'll pray for y'all.
Oh! Aah! (Laughs) (Chuckles) That was some serious false witnessing.
Not if we do an original musical.
Corky quit.
You can't do a musical without a choir director.
Uh, the best we can hope for is a messiah sing-along.
No, a musical is good for church morale and your ministry, and if we knock it out of the park, those fugitive families will come crawling back.
(Chuckles) And where are we gonna find an easily producible, religiously themed show? You may not know this, but one of your members is a playwright.
I'm not a playwright.
I'm a playwrote.
(Thud) How do you even remember my old play? Because it beat mine in the tenth grade creative writing competition, therefore I had to punish you for two years.
I can't even remember the title.
It was something about the miracles of Jesus.
"The miracles of Jesus" by Heather Cruz! And you're gonna direct it? I was a former head cheerleader.
If I can control a dozen teenage girls, I can choreograph some dancing loaves and fishes, with a little assistance from you? Oh, no way.
No! I was one of your cheerleaders.
You know how many eating disorders you left in your wake? Let's not rehash.
(Lowered voice) Amanda, now I love you, but as a leader, you were a manipulative tyrant.
I have no interest in going back there.
You know I'm not the same mean girl I used to be, but it's hard to get past the horrible things I did in High School.
Pulling off an amazing musical brings the church together, and it's my way to publically wipe my karma Slate clean.
Write a check.
It's so much easier.
I can't keke giant donations like Carlene and Cricket.
I can do this.
"The miracles of Jesus" is me giving of me, you helping me give me, and you get to give, too.
Yeah, I can't follow that.
Just help me put on a show.
Who knows? You might even meet a nice guy.
Church musical is the one theatrical event where the men are straight, and I could work it to get some publicity for my real estate.
That's the Christian spirit.
"'The miracles of Jesus, ' an original musical depicting "the son of God's phenomenon.
Auditions are tomorrow.
"Come prepared to dance and sing 16 bars of 'this little light of mine.
'" I presume you'll be there, Carlene.
(Chuckles) Oh, silly Cricket.
You know I don't audition.
I'm always just given the lead.
It's tradition.
Yes, you up there on stage every year is just like death and taxes, but your beloved choir director corky is gone.
Well, then who's directing the show? Amanda Vaughn directing and choreographing.
This is diabolical.
I will not audition for Amanda Vaughn.
Well, I would love to audition, but, you know, Zack's out of town, and I am just swamped with losin' it with Jesus.
Who knew cooking a Bible-based diet plan would be so time-consuming? Plus I have been booked on the "Texas excess" shopping channel, and I have to got to find an image consultant.
Good for you, Sharon.
Crick, what supporting role are you shootin' for? Actually, I'm going up for the lead.
I believe I was born to play the holy spirit.
Cricket, Cricket, Cricket, you slay me.
You're not physically right for the role.
Oh? You've seen a body shot of the holy ghost, have you? Well, whatever happens, however this turns out, we can't let it affect our friendship.
Of course it won't.
Nothing could ever change how I feel about you.
Oh, break legs, y'all.
(Beeps and clatters) (Beeps and clatters) (Sighs) Cricket is trying to steal my God-given right to the lead role.
(Sighs) What if she's successful? The entire congregation expects my triumph at every musical endeavor this church puts forth.
It's been years since the "exodus" operetta, and folks are still talking about my burning bush.
So win it at the audition.
I don't think it's possible, Ripp.
Whenever Amanda Vaughn is in a position of power, she does this.
She wouldn't even let me be on the cheerleading squad because of my acne vulgaris.
Those were the old days.
You are now a magnificent, secure woman.
Would it help if I came with you to the audition for moral support? (Wheels clack) (Indistinct conversations) (Amplified voice) Ahem.
(Microphone feedback whines) Hello.
I'm Cricket Caruth-Reilly, and I will be auditioning for the role of the holy spirit.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce that Cricket Caruth industries, as part of its commitment to charity, community, and diversity, will be providing the production's Broadway-caliber high-wire aerial equipment, lighting, and sound.
(Chuckles) Oh.
Hey.
An airborne holy spirit is how I always saw the finale in my head.
We're gonna make reverend Steve's musical look like a preschool production of "Peter Pan.
" (Chuckles) Guys, don't be manipulated.
Using her money to get what she wants is vintage Cricket.
Ignore the bribe.
You know, High School Amanda would have taken that.
Well, this is grown-up Amanda, and she is evaluating people on talent alone.
(High-pitched voice) And up (Deep voice) And down the Cricket.
(Normal voice) Yes? We appreciate the gesture, but we won't be needing your fancy gadgets.
Just your voice.
(High-pitched voice) Fine.
(Plays note) This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine let it shine let it shine let it shine (Electronic drum beats) (Rapping) hide it under a bushel, yo! (Singing) shine, shine, shine shine, shine, shine shine, shine shine, shine (High-pitched voice) ah ha! hide it under a bushel, no I'm gonna let it shine hide it under a bushel, no she's gonna let it shine (Both) let it shine, let it shine, let it shine over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) Over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) Over the whole wide world (High-pitched voice) ah, ah, ah I'm gonna let it shine (Trills musical scale) (Both) let it shine, let it shine, let it shine (High-pitched voice) ah yes! (Pops) (Gasps) (Congregants murmuring) Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
Hello, everyone.
I just want to say thank you all for your talents.
I think you'll find that there is a role for everyone who tried out.
Oh! (Gasps) Ohh.
Carlene is the holy spirit?! (Murmuring) Thank you, crick.
Shouted from the mountaintops like a true friend (Sighs) And a good loser.
And, Ripp, darlin', you're Jesus.
Jesus? How could I be Jesus? I didn't even audition.
You have an inherent calm strength, plus your sheer size is both commanding and comforting.
But the words that I'll be saying are capital "h" his.
What if I don't do 'em right? Your reverence is exactly why you're perfect for the part.
Amanda, Amanda, I'm so glad you set aside hostility in favor of sheer talent.
Carlene, I have no bad feelings towards you or anyone.
For me, this production is about public positivity.
Honestly, when all is said, sung, and done and all folks can do is talk about the jaw-dropping knockout performance by your lead (Chuckles) You're gonna love me.
I'm gonna make you look so good.
(Chuckles) And him and him and her And you Okay.
And not you.
Possibly you, though.
I'm Lazarus, and you're the leper, huh? We get to share the stage, get cured by Christ together.
Fun, right? The leper? I will not play a supporting role to that Squeaky little housewife! I know, baby.
I know you're disappointed, but, hey, you and I have a dance.
Come on.
Let's go get us some new tap shoes.
You tell Amanda I quit.
She can find someone else to represent the plight of a disfiguring skin disease.
I have an empire to run.
Excuse me! (Exhales deeply) "Texas excess"? (Chuckles) Oh, darling, that is one of my favorite late-night guilty TV shopping pleasures.
I just adore my crocodile toilet seat cover.
Now you can order my meals on it on the TV channel, that is Oh.
Which is exact why I need you.
Gigi stopper, please help make me camera-ready.
(Chuckles) I'm hardly an image consultant.
You are the woman behind the stopper girls.
Anytime you coached a girl for a pageant, by golly, that crown got slapped on her head by night's end.
I retired from that life years ago, and why would you need me? As I recall, you've won a few crowns (Lowered voice) Of your own.
Yes, but your girls exuded such poise and confidence.
Gigi, I know I can cook, and I feel good about my accomplishments along my personal journey, but sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously.
You're such a happy little peanut of a girl.
Why would you want anything else? Because I am going to be the face of losin' it with Jesus.
I need this to work, because Because I want to change people's lives, and I swear, gigi, eating biblically has changed mine.
As you know, I have a reputation for perfection.
If I were to risk that, it would mean that you would have to do everything exactly as I say and never question me.
Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
Give it me.
Let me have it.
I can take it.
That outfit you've got on looks like tinker bell threw up on it.
And lights up.
(Woman) Ew.
It a a leper.
Don't touch him! Have, like (Thuds) Mercy on me.
Stand back, ye, and know that the lord gazes kindly upon the afflicted.
Yes, I will heal this sick person.
Lord, if you are willing, make me less gross.
(Ripp) Rise What do you think? (Chuckles) (Lowered voice) Bozeman Peacham's taking some liberty with the dialogue.
Howdy, thespians.
(Gasps) Steve, what are you doing here? Thought I'd pay you a visit (Whispers) See how the big miracles are going.
Just great.
Uh, first day of rehearsals.
I love your bird.
What's she supposed to be, a toucan, wounded ostrich? That's our holy spirit.
She's just finding her stage wings.
It's kind of a bare-bones set.
Gosh, we have a rotating platform (Chuckles) And lasers, but, hey, less is more.
Sometimes.
Mm.
Well, so what if our set is bare-bones? Jesus was a simple man of few needs.
(Chuckles) Still, that flight harness Cricket was willing to donate would have been cool.
(Chuckles) Well, uh, whatever.
We'll make it work.
It is underwhelming, isn't it? Well, yeah, maybe a little, but, hey, that's the cast you chose, and that's our stage, and whether you like it or not, you're looking at your "clean-Slate karma comin'-out" party.
Not if I add one more name to the guest list.
High School Amanda? (Gasps) (Whispers) Oh, no! No, no, no, no! It'll be fine.
I'll just let her out for a quick second.
Okay, fine.
Well, wherever you send her, you let me know, so I can take an alternate route.
I don't want to get dragged into this.
(Mouths word) Nobody is gonna get hurt.
I'm just gonna go talk to Cricket.
Look, I need the show to be better.
A lot of people are counting on me, including me, and I'm not gonna let them All of us down.
It's gonna be great.
(Pants) (Classical music playing) (Water trickling) Mmm.
I never realized how beautiful your garden is.
Mm.
That's because you've never been invited into it Which is such an oversight on my part.
(Chuckles) I look forward to many more good times like these.
Thank you, Cricket.
You're welcome, Amanda.
Damn it, what do you want? (Clatters) For you to come back to the musical.
Since I have been up, I have fired my west coast legal team, bought a small mining village in Ghana, and rehired my west coast legal team.
Do you really think I have time for a silly play? I want the church to unite around an incredible production, so I need the lights, the speakers, the Broadway-caliber flight harness, and the wirework technicians that you offered.
I see.
This is a business call, hmm? And why would I want to do business with the person who crushed my dreams by passing me over for the lead? You haven't changed since High School, Amanda.
You are evil to the core.
Good day.
You can show yourself out.
I never thought the time would come when I would see a Captain of industry quit.
It's oy, y, Cricket.
I understand why you dropped out.
You must be petrified of me directing you now.
Please.
Today I can squish you like a bug, Amanda stopper.
You just used my maiden name.
Huh.
Obviously, you're not totally over it.
You can claim no credit for my motivation.
This is about besting Carlene on the boards and finally gettin' my time in the spotlight! If you want the spotlight, come back to the show.
I am not a dream crusher.
I'm a dream maker.
(Lights clank) Ow! My eyes.
These puppies are a candle compared to what they got over there at "Texas excess.
" Suck it up.
Now tell us about your diet plan.
Hit it.
Okay.
Hi, y'all.
I'm Sharon Peacham, and losin' it with Jesus is my super delicious, Bible-inspired diet plan.
Yum, yum! (Clicks) Okay, honey.
You want to be taken seriously? Mm-hmm.
Drop your voice an octave.
(Deep voice) Mm.
Find the graceful hands that God gave you And never say "y'all.
" Never? And I've always wondered What's up with this? (Gasps) The Sharon curl is my trademark look, like farrah Fawcett's bangs, Kate middleton's wave, Donald trump's forelock.
Stopper girls aren't defined by frilly wisps of hair.
(Sighs) Stopper girls personify the substance and stature I give them.
Be quick and merciful.
Okay, we'll work on that.
Mm.
Right now, repeat after me.
My name is Sharon Peacham, and I shed 60 pounds with my revolutionary, new weight loss system.
N I but I only lost 12.
Losing 12 pounds is a stomach virus.
(Lowered voice) Losing 60 is sexy.
(Lights clank) (Deep, quavering voice) I'm Sharon Peacham, and I lost (Normal voice) Shed (Deep, quavering voice) 60 pounds Mm With my revolutionary, new weight loss program.
(Clears throat) And again Lazarus, come forth.
(Grunts) (Grunts) I feel like I should help him.
Go with that instinct, Ripp.
(Thuds) Am I alive? (Mouths word) It's a miracle.
("It's a miracle" playing) (Rips) It's a miracle, miracle a true-blue spectacle a miracle come true we're together, baby I was going crazy till the miracle came through (Mouths words) Now you're here, and my arms are around you and, baby, they'll be dancin' in the streets for the miracle, miracle the true-blue spectacle the miracle is you miracle is you Uh (Chuckles) Mm-hmm Look, I-I'm sorry.
I know the music is, uh, it's a little dated.
You know, Heather wrote this when she was 15.
Don't be sorry.
(Chuckles) My mama's the biggest fanilow there is.
Dragged me to every concert in the southwest.
Amanda, this show is looking amazing.
Yes, isn't it? (Chuckles) (Claps hands) I almost forgot ya, babe Sorry I'm late! I had carmelita hot-glue some extra rhinestones (Whispers) I'm sorry.
To my holy spirit costume.
Burned her thumbs, poor thing, but she was happy to do it for one of the trinity.
Carlene, can I see you for a minute? Yeah.
Everyone, take five.
Come on.
Carlene, I'm coming to you for some Christian understanding.
Amanda, Amanda, dear director Amanda, I offer no other kind.
Well, you know sometimes in theater, changes have to be made.
Even the best Broadway productions occasionally have to recast parts.
Oh, don't get me started.
Bozeman Peacham is a terrible leper.
Well, in the best interest of the play, and, trust me, it is, I need you to be the leper.
Bozeman Peacham is a wonderful leper.
No, he's gonna be the fig tree now.
It's perfect.
I know the leper wasn't your first choice, but it's a 3-dimensional part.
There's a beautiful solo, and I think you would bring a real level of humanity to the role.
Who's playing the holy spirit? (Inhales deeply) Cricket.
Ohh.
Oh! Carlene.
Can you are you honey calm down.
It's happening again.
What? You cut me from the cheer squad because I had bad skin, and now you're making me play the leper? Oh.
Oh, God.
(Panting) Oh.
How did I miss the symmetry of that? I can't And I won't.
Okay.
I mean, if that's your decision, it'll just be another year before the church puts on another musical, and (inhales deeply) I'd hate to have the congregation forget about your talent (Inhales deeply) Or you.
Come on, Carlene.
Just be my leper.
I don't know what I'll do.
(Moans) Oh, God! (Chuckles nervously) See? (Sighs) Honey, there's nothin', not even a pimple.
It's an imperfection.
The stress Amanda has caused by recasting me as the leper is literally turning me into one.
Ohh.
You know, I-I'm sure Amanda had good reason for puttin' Cricket in the lead.
(Sighs) You know, sometimes people in power have to make hard decisions.
Oh, don't I know it? I'm in a power position with my multimillion-dollar real estate development, condos for Christian living.
Thought that was illegal.
We're working on it.
(Gasps) Well, hey.
How would you like first dibs at selling every single unit? (Chuckles) Oh, are you kiddin'? Of course.
That's a lucrative contract.
Well, I'm willing to be a lucrative gal (Chuckles) If you fix the leper situation.
Ohh.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Chuckles) I-I am so not involved.
Take it up with "High School Amanda.
" Heather Cruz.
(Sighs) Do you know why I list so many property holdings with you? 'Cause we're friends? No, because of your work ethic, which up to now has seemed strong as an ox.
I don't bring ecclesiastes out lightly, but let's visit 9:10.
"Whatever thy hand finds to do, do it with all thy might.
" Show me your might, Heather, or (Whispers) I might have to show other people the business I give you.
This is specifically calibrated to our body weight.
You can't gain an ounce before opening night.
I'm on day four of an ice cube and bamboo cleanse.
Not a problem.
All right, guys.
Let's start with the leper number.
Has anyone heard from Carlene? I'm here, right behind the writer.
Hey, everybody.
(Sighs) Okay, new scripts.
Here you go.
Pass 'em along.
What are you doing? Surviving.
(Sighs) After careful consideration, I realized that the holy spirit as narrator is biblically inaccurate.
It doesn't even speak, so I have rewritten the story with a new and more relatable lead (High-pitched voice) The leper.
After she's cured.
I hope this is a joke.
Oh, Cricket, don't worry.
You are omnipresently hovering throughout.
You just can't speak.
Amanda, are you gonna stand for this? Heather, a moment.
(Sighs) Hmm.
(Lowered voice) What's with the changes? (Lowered voice) Look (Sighs) One minute I am pulling a forgotten play off a shelf, and the next Carlene is threatening my business if I don't rewrite it.
Oh, no.
All I intended was to help you, see my words come to life, and maybe hook up with that cute dentist over there holding a loaf.
I never expected to feel powerless and intimidated like I did in High School.
I never meant for you to get pulled into this.
Well, you channeled your inner mean girl, and I did.
Just for a millisecond.
You know it was for a good reason.
Yeah, well, I can say the same thing about my new draft.
This version is absurd.
We can't do it.
Look, Amanda, my livelihood is at stake, so you sail your ship like you need to, but don't give me grief 'cause I'm trying to stay afloat, too.
Okay! Let's rehearse.
(Clatters) You have a whole hour booked, so remember, keep your host engaged at all times.
What if there's a lull? Un-lull it.
Go to your talking points the middle eastern origin of your diet, why the pomegranate may have been the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden Mm.
And the antioxidant power of manna.
That's an awful lot to remember.
You'll be fine.
Mm.
Just remember, lower your voice, use your hands, and don't say "y'all.
" Now (Grunts and sniffles) You glide on out there and do me proud.
(Inhales deeply) Sharon.
(High-pitched voice) Mm! Welcome back to ""Texas excess".
" We are here with the lovely Ms.
Sharon Peacham, who this evening is cooking up some godly grub for all you dieters out there.
Sharon? (Deep, stilted voice) Yes, losin' it with Jesus is my diet meal and lifestyle plan that uses biblically inspired foods to slim your waistline, nourish your soul, and save your cholesterol from the devil's sugary temptations.
With this plan, not only do you you get my meals delivered to your home translation no more cookin'.
(Normal voice) But y'all (Deep, stilted voice) You'll Also receive my monthly newsletter, which reveals my private secrets and musings on pomegranates, manna, and (Gulps) (Whispers) The middle east.
(Normal voice) The middle east.
(Mouths word) It's so sad there.
Oh, lord.
The (Deep, stilted voice) Palestinians and israelites have opposing views on peace, which is really no different from any other hot-tttton issues, like (Gasps, normal voice) Like euthanasia or the true place of our president's birth.
(Whispers) Um (Mouths words) Why don't we check (Chuckles) (Deep, stilted voice) Those phone lines, Lonnie? Are you all right, Sharon? (Voice breaks) No.
(Gasps) Well, while Ms.
Sharon takes a short break Sharon.
Why don't we get a close-up shot of these, uh, these baskets she's brought along? You came back here! I b I believe these are some some lovely figs.
No, I can't go back there.
And, um, and these it looks like a-a skewer of of meatballs.
(Organ playing) A boy stepped forth with a fish and barley loaf, so Jesus multiplied them.
Ta-da Go, my people.
Enjoy your lunch.
(Thuds) Kitten, I think that's my line.
Really? I felt so motivated to speak.
Okay, that's it.
We've had our fun.
We are going back to the original, non-blasphemous version of this musical.
Carlene is the holy spirit.
(Gasps) Cricket is the leper, and Jesus is the only one here with miraculous powers.
Amanda, dear, without me as the lead, fine.
Do what you have to do.
Boys, down! Now.
Pack everything up.
The deal's off.
Wait one holy minute.
I now get why I was recast.
Talent-challenged Cricket bribed her way to the top.
I'm horrified.
Okay.
Really? You know, you check your reflection in your sequins, clelene, because that's exactly what you did by threatening me.
Ah.
Now I see how the leper was rewritten as the lead.
You can forget about my Christ condos.
Fine.
Oh, I see.
So you two had a little deal yourselves? I'm not surprised.
Poor Heather.
Always handin' over her muffin to anyone with butter.
Your audition sucked.
Oh, 'cause this is the miracle of playmaking right here Oh, please! Running around with plastic bread! Come on.
You were dying! Girls! Girls, why are we tearing each other from limb to limb? If I'm not mistaken, this whole thing started because of Amanda Vaughn, and I am it did.
You know, I Carlene! You are in church.
Cricket, you hold it there, too.
I am trying to do something nice for this congregation and pastor Tudor.
Really? Is that who you were thinking of when you solicited my equipment? And made me a leper? And destroyed my financial security? Seems like our holy sanctuary has become the dreaded gymnasium of hillside high, and the head cheerleader is back.
Amanda, you aren't doing this for the church.
You are doing it for the only girl you would ever let at the top of that pyramid you.
Are you kidding? I had nothing but the best intentions when I started this.
Yes, I went to Cricket for the flight harness and recast Carlene.
I admit that mistake, but you people have brought your own crazy to the party.
Now we're here the night before we open with an atrocious mess of a show, and you're talking about High School.
Maybe it's because you're the ones who never left.
You know, you may have grown up, but from where I stand, you're still the same insecure, desperate, pathetic losers.
(Gasps) Yeah, I said it.
You wanted the girl at the top of the pyramid, you got her.
So glue on a leprosy sore, slap on those tacky wings, pass out the old scripts, and do what I say.
(Gasps) (Buckles click) (Gasps) (Whistles) We are changing churches.
Cricket, come on.
Okay.
Let's just take it from the top.
(Murmuring) (Doors open) ((Doors close) Where's our stellar cast? Running.
Screaming.
Who knows? I think it's safe to say the musical's off.
All right.
(Sighs) Back to the messiah sing-along.
You're not upset? Pastor Steve's gonna eat this up with his chiclet teeth.
Wounded pride didn't kill me when Steve and I were in seminary, and it won't kill me now.
I wish I was that evolved.
(Chuckles) Lately all I've thought about is how I look to the world and how this musical would make me look even better.
Here I thought you were trying to help the church.
There might have been an ulterior motive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I think I'm doing good things in Dallas, but being here is a constant reminder of who I used to be, which was a complete and total bi scuit.
Yeah.
Succeeding with this play was my way of publicizing once and for all that I've changed.
(Sighs) I know it sounds crazy.
Not if it's the way you feel.
Clearly, you hurt people, Amanda, and that hurts you deeply.
Yeah, but it didn't stop me from doing it again.
In trying to bury the mean girl, I just brought her back to life and destroyed Carlene, Cricket, and Heather.
Destroyed? I'm afraid those three are tough enough to survive the apocalypse.
(Chuckles) Still, I'd like to make it right by them.
You can't control when someone forgives you.
You can only forgive yourself, be patient, and hope they come around.
Old wounds are hard to heal.
It takes time to move forward.
(Sighs) Moving forward isn't the answer.
I've gotta go back.
Sharon, honey, open up.
(Sobs, high-pitched voice) No.
You don't have to go back out there.
(Footsteps approach) (Door creaks) Really? I lied.
You've got to go back out there! What for? More humiliation? I failed you, gigi.
I failed everyone I know.
We needed this for our business.
"Our business"? What are you talking about? This isn't some vanity project (Voice breaking) I just put together.
This was my chance to help our family survive.
What do you mean? You you got a house that's almost a continent.
Zack's car dealership has come under some tough times.
What with the economic downturn, seems like people are cutting back on their luxury vehicles.
Way back.
Seems like totally back.
We need this.
(Whispers) I had no idea.
(Sighs) And here I am adding pressure to the problem.
No, it's not your fault that I messed up.
You just wanted me to be my best.
You know what's the worst? How much my own ego is wrapped up in this.
You know, after Amanda ran away, I started coaching pageants to get my pride back.
Shine those girls up like new pennies so nobody would look at me and my failings as a mother.
I want you to forget everything I taught you.
(Gasps) Your best quality is something that I could never give you your heart.
You just go out there and you be yourself, and there's just no tellin' how many meals you're gonna sell.
(Whispers) Do you really mean it? I do.
One more thing.
Okay.
You're ready.
Now hang on a second, Sharon.
Do you mean to tell me that mustard vinaigrette is in the Bible? Well, Matthew 13:31 mentions the mustard seed.
They had vinegar.
They had olive oil.
I'd like to think so.
(Chuckles) With God, all things are possible.
They sure are, and look at that ticker.
(Gasps) Clearly, our audience believes in you, Sharon Peacham, and your products.
(Chuckles) Thank you so much for joining us.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, and remember, everybody, nothing does a body good like losin' it with Jesus, y'all.
(Lights clank, bell rings) (Laughs) How about that? Well done, darlin'.
You really got your second wind.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll see you again.
I'll see you! (Chuckles) (Man) Have a good day then.
Darlin'! (Both laughing) You just hit it out of the park! I know.
I mean, it's 500 meal plans, so it's baby steps, but I'll take it! (Chuckles) 500 meals or plans? Right.
Three meals a day plus two snacks every week for a month.
Oh, no.
You're gonna need a bigger kitchen.
(Gasps) (Alarm chirps) I should have known if designer discounts were involved, you wouldn't be far behind.
(Alarm chirps) The Neiman's secret warehouse sale is by invite only.
Did you pay someone for the tip? Well, I got a secret text from a blocked number.
So did I.
Me, too.
(Sighs) Something doesn't feel right.
I needed to get you all in one place.
(Gasps) (Clatters) (Sighs) We've been hoodwinked.
By a delusional woman who thinks she can still fit into her old cheerleader uniform.
Um, excuse me, I totally can (Chuckles) But that's beside the point.
Look, the uniform is symbolic.
It just takes us back to a time when I was a fox, the most popular girl in High School, and I abused anyone below me by making them javelinas with a mud bath.
Uh She's got mud.
Run.
She's gonna javelina us again.
No! You Get to javelina me.
(Sighs) Oh.
Come on.
It'll give me closure, and I think it'll help you to move on, too.
Amanda, Amanda.
(Sighs) We are upstanding members of this community.
We are not about to sling mud.
(Laughs) Come on, Carlene.
An eye for an eye.
Not our testament.
We turn the other cheek.
I slept with your brother.
(Gasps) You caught your son masturbating to a photo of me.
(Gasps) You couldn't become a star even if Hollywood was destroyed by a meteor.
(Reba Mcentire's "a little want to" playing) Aah! (A scream) Ohh! Ohh.
There ain't no excuse, that's what my mama said you gotta get up and get out of bed I do not have herpes! Ohh! Give it to her! I don't have herpes! Yeah! Nice shot.
Aah! Thank you! (All screaming and laughing) Ohh! Aah! Heather, you don't have enough on you! (All laughing) A little want to a want to Doesn't everyone feel better? (Spits) Oh, I never liked this dress.
I never liked that either.
(Laughs) Carlene.
(Sighs) Carlene.
Oh, Carlene.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
Of course you could become a star if a meteor destroyed Hollywood.
No, I couldn't.
I tried.
Lord knows I tried.
Ugh.
I wanted to be a star.
I had dreams of unauthorized biographies and pressing my body parts into wet cement.
I had a plan.
Then I met Ripp, and I gave it all up.
Carlene.
Don't get me wrong.
I love my family and I love my life, but there's a teeny, tiny part of me that regrets giving up on my dream.
I guess that's why I have trouble giving up the spotlight now.
(Gasps) Oh.
Oh.
Sweetheart, it seems to me you live your dreams every Sunday in church when you sing your solo.
You inspire dozens of people, even me.
Hell, I just want to twinkle like you for one day.
Then you should take the holy spirit.
No.
No, I am more than mildly content (Chuckles) To be your supporting leper.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
Don't you make me cry in this parking lot.
And you.
I'm sorry I used my power (Sighs) In an ungodly way.
Those condos for Christian living they're yours.
With a 2.
5% increase in my normal commissions.
Done.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) No, you're gross.
No.
(Inhales deeply and sighs) The musical is on! (Laughter) No, not quite.
You weren't the only ones to walk yesterday.
Everyone quit.
But this town deserves to see me soar to the rafters.
We gotta do somethin'.
Showtime is in a matter of hours.
We have to act fast.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
Who has tissues? You need more than wipes.
You do.
I have wet ones.
Oh, no.
I think I'm gonna call a cab.
We are not taking my car.
Where are my keys? We need to call the cast back a.
S.
A.
P.
We can't pull this off, not without a miracle.
(Organ playing) What's happening? Well, you didn't think I'd let these good folks' hard work go down the drain, did you? I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" Turns out, he'd direct.
Oh, Ripp.
I just knew you'd save the day.
(Chuckles) Now let's strap me into the flight harness so we can get the show on the road.
Not so fast.
Now I never wanted to be in this musical in the first place, but playing this role has brought me closer to God, and as his son's representative tonight, it is my duty to protect my flock.
We're okay now.
We threw mud at each other.
Yes.
Okay's not good enough.
If I let you back through these doors, you will behave like decent, honorable Christian women.
Got it? Verbal confirmation is necessary.
Yes.
I know you're not talking about me.
I didn't do anything, but yeah.
Fine.
(Thuds) (Gasps) All right! Now let's get the show on the road.
Whoo! They're back! Okay, Ripp, where did we start? Where did we leave off? (Ripp) Cue scene 32.
(Indistinct conversations) Ooh! Opening night.
I know.
Hey.
How you doing? (Indistinct conversations) Red leather.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Hey.
Yellow leather.
Red leather.
Good luck.
Red.
(Chuckles) Yellow leather.
Oh! Sorry.
(Chuckles) You're gonna be great! Break a leg.
(Man) All right, places! Places, everyone.
Ooh! (Whispers) Sorry.
(Sighs) Ohh.
God.
(Gasps) Hi.
(Chuckles) (Lowered, singsongy voice) Opening/closing night! (Both chuckle) (Inhales deeply) (Whispers) Ohh.
(Whispering) Oh, Bozeman looks so cute.
He's gonna kill the first number.
(Murmuring) (Keyboard clicking) (Whispering) Bozeman! Bozeman! (Whoosh, thud) What? Oh.
(Chuckles) (Scattered chuckles) I am a fig tree (Dixie chicks' "some days you gotta dance" playing) High atop a hill.
Well, there's always one little kink you gotta work out.
Whoo! It was about 5 to 5:00 on Friday and we were all gettin' ready to go my heart was thumpin' (Clink) I was jumpin' I had to get away some days you gotta dance live it up when you get the chance 'cause when the world doesn't make no sense and you're feelin' just a little too tense gotta loosen up those chains and dance 'cause when the world doesn't make no sense and you're feelin' just a little too tense gotta loosen up those chains and dance Your finale's gonna rock.
("Jesus is just alright" playing) Jesus is just alright with me Jesus is just alright oh, yeah Jesus is just alright with me Jesus is just alright I don't care what they may say I don't care what they may do (Lowered voice) Cricket wore that flight harness last.
Yeah.
We didn't recalibrate it for Carlene.
(Gasps) Oh, yeah Jesus is just alright Whoa! Aah! Aah! Aah! (Whimpers) Aah.
Help me! Help! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! I don't care what they may say I don't care what they may do aah! Watch out! What they do I don't care Help me! What they say Aah! (Glass clatters) (Grunts) Aah! (Thud) Uhh! (Ripp) Kitten, are you okay?! (Gasps) Jesus is just alright (All) oh, yeah Hoo! (Cheering) Oh.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Oh.
(Chuckles) (Cheering continues) Ohh.
"Cataclysmic calamity" is too kind a phrase.
I'll surrender my clipboard tomorrow.
Are you kiddin'? I generally don't like clapping in church, but listen to that applause.
I know my congregation.
It's not that easy gettin' 'em to their feet.
Be proud of yourself, Amanda.
Take a bow.
Oh, no.
I don't I don't deserve to.
Come on.
Yeah, come on.
No, no.
No.
Come on.
Just get out there.
No.
Pastor Tudor.
(Cheering continues)