Good Vibes (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

- Aw, man, casa's going to the dance With bj kuntz.
- I thought he liked hj.
- Nobody would choose hj over bj.
- How do you keep finding out about All these dates to the prom? - That site wadska set up-- high school master dater.
He gives super-instant updates on everyone's prom status.
- Tissues? What do they think? I'll be at home crying all night? - UhNo.
- Mmm.
- I can't believe jeena's still with turk.
Lately I've been having these reoccurring fantasies Where I'm dancing with her.
[mellow dance music.]
And the next thing I know, I'm covered in blood, crying into a plate of ravioli.
- That's terrible.
- No! It was lobster, with a nice butter-sage sauce.
- Plug your little pleasure holes, piglets! Today we're gonna have a very serious talk about alcohol, And how it's such a ginormous problem At school dances.
It can make you have sex, Which could lead to contracting a debilitating disease Called "babies.
" Little dee-dee here is a cautionary tale.
- I'm fixin' to name it malibu.
It's a rum, it's a car, And a classy place to park your rv.
- To illustrate, we're gonna watch and educational video, Recent converted to 3-d.
- Childbirth: From conception to divorce.
- [groaning.]
- push.
Push.
[wet squishy sounds.]
[all gasp.]
- Holy lord.
- Welcome to this world, montgomery brando.
[baby coos.]
[laughter.]
- Mom, why didn't you tell me About the childbirth video? - You saw that? - I've never been more embarrassed.
- What about the time when you farted on santa's lap? - I was 13! And you know what eggnog does to me.
Don't change the subject! - I was a poor, single mom back then.
Things were hard.
[entry bells jingle.]
- My angels! My [bleep.]
angels! - Then the local college offered me good money To be in that video and pay for all of my hospital bills.
I did it so I could survive.
So we could survive.
- Wow, I had no idea how hard it was for you.
- But it was all worth it because I got to have you.
- Ma, are there any other embarrassing videos I should know about? - Well, one, but you know, It was just used to pay for your speech therapy.
- I'm a widdle pooper short and stout I eat pasthcetti and meatballsth come out [laughing.]
[air horn blares.]
- All hands on deck as I reveal to you The theme for this year's junior prom.
"just the tip of the iceberg.
" All: Boo! [rip.]
[all cheer.]
All: Just the tip! Just the tip - Oliver.
Dick noodle.
- You know it's nudell! - Nudell.
- So, wadska, are you going to the dance? Wouldn't miss it! The second life sweethearts' jamboree Is gonna be the online event of the season! I even purchased a new gladiator combat tuxedo, Complete with armored cummerbund And cane-sword.
- Actually, we're going to the real danc With real dates.
- We're not losers.
[laughter.]
- I was j.
K.
In' all over your faces! Of course I have a real date.
- Is she a mail-order bride? - [gasps.]
how dare you! Damn, now I need a plan "b.
" - I been thinking about our special night, And I got us a hotel room at the one & done motor lodge.
- Oh, sweet! We'll have a kickass after party there.
- Oh, no can do, babe.
Got a bit of a scheduling conflict.
I went in with chester and casa.
You and I have the room from 7:00 to 9:00, And then again from 2:00 to 4:00.
- Turk, all I wanted was one romantic night.
And instead, you "schedule me" for sex In a hotel room, like a prostitute.
- Aw, babe, that's not true.
You're not getting paid for this.
You're doing it pro-boner.
[laughs.]
- My tapioca! My [bleep.]
tapioca! - [crying.]
- I gotta go talk to her.
- [crying.]
- Dee-dee, are-- are you okay? - Well, let's see.
I'm a bloated, leaking, stretch-marked pig.
My baby-daddy dumped me, no one's taking me to prom, And my nippersLookLike BurntTater tots! I know exactly what you're going through.
- Really? Because you're fat? - No.
My mom went through it alone too.
- Well, thanks for talking to me, mondo, But you can go back to your fun high school experience While I contemplate my ruined life And eat this tureen of pickles.
- Hey, dee-dee, you know, I--I don't have anyone to go to the prom with.
- [gasps.]
really? You'd wanna go with me? Oh, thanks, mondo.
I'd love to be your date.
- Dude, breaking news! Turk and jeena just broke up.
You can totally get in there.
- Ba-ehhhhhh! - Uhh! How will I ever find a beautiful girl On a california beach? Oh, she looks too much like a boy.
Ew, she looks too much like a girl! This is impossible! Ooh! Great kelso! It's ten-time teen choice award nominee mila kunis! - It's her.
All: Mila! Mila! Mila! Mila! Mila! - Really? Come on! I know you guys need to make a living, But I'm a human being, and I'm entitled to some privacy.
- Oh, sorry, miss kunis.
Your words have touched our hearts.
Now, could you say them again with this bag of drugs And a slipped nipple? - Hyah! [shutters snapping.]
- This is my chance.
Quick, mila, get your kunis over here! [bongos thumping.]
[camera shutters click.]
[paparazzi wheezing.]
- [exhales.]
thank you so much for helping me.
Is there anything I could do for you? Except talk about my lesbian scene with natalie portman.
- Ha! What do I look like, Some kind of sex-crazed fanboy? [laughs, gasps.]
But now that you mention it, You can accompany me to my high school dance this evening.
- [chuckles.]
I was thinking more like An autograph or something.
- No, I'm afraid that won't do.
I'm a desperate man.
I need to rub you in dick noodle's face! Uh, okay.
I'm gonna go now.
Don't follow me.
- Wait, kunis, please.
- Let go! - Aaa-- - oh! Mm - Mila? Mila? - What's happening? I'm so confused.
I don't even know who I am.
- Oh.
Well, I can help you with that.
You're mila, my devoted and horny girlfriend, And we've got a high school dance to get to! [flatulence.]
[laughter.]
- [gasps.]
I've been waiting for this day Ever since jeena stole turk from me.
Feel this, bitches.
Revenge bumps.
Ooh, if I hadn't lasered all the hair off my body, It'd be standing on end.
Hey, turk, heard you and jeena totally broke up.
Yeah.
I gotta be free, like a bird, Or a european titty.
- Well, I don't have a date to the dance yet, So if you want, you can ask me, And I promise not to laugh in your face.
- That's an interesting proposition.
Give me a moment to confer with my associates.
- On the down side, she's a bitchy slut.
- Good point.
- On the up side, she's a slutty bitch.
- Excellent counterpoint.
It appears we're a well-hung jury.
[laughs.]
And closing arguments really would piss jeena off.
- [gulps.]
Pop a squat, squirter.
Here's an extra seat.
- Thanks.
- So there's been a lot of scuttlebutts on the internet About you not going to the dance.
I don't mean to judge, but you're a stupid idiot.
You shouldn't miss your prom.
I missed mine, and I regret it to this day.
- Really? - Very really.
I was exactly like you in every way.
His name was duncan.
He was like a prince.
- Ooh, that sounds nice.
- I mean prince the musician, but smaller.
We met the day of the dance At the fried pastry shop I worked at.
He asked me to prom and said He'd pick me up at 8:00 that night.
But I waited and I waited, And he never ever showed up.
I couldn't get I touch with him because back then There wasn't email or cell phones or texting.
- Wow, things have really changed.
Or facebook or twitter or gchat.
- Oh, well, that's a lot of-- - Or skype or instant messenger or buzz Or missed connections.
What, am I having a conversation with a [bleep.]
wall? - Oh, sorry.
I was-- - the rest of the school year I was stuck listening to my stupid classmates Talk about all the stupid fun they had.
- Huh.
You know what? I thini'm gonna take your advice.
Thanks.
- Señor cuervo, meet mr.
Daniels.
Don't worry, there's room in here for both y'all.
[beep.]
[crying out.]
- I have no business hanging out with a pregnant girl.
I just killed 180 babies in the last ten minutes.
I'm a baby killer, that's what I am.
[giddy shudder.]
Hey, jeena.
I heard about you and turk.
- Yeah, it's whatever.
I saw you're going with dee-dee.
- Yeah, it sucks.
I mean, it doesn't suck, It's just that I'm taking a pregnant girl to the prom, And it would be cooler if it was you.
Not that I think it'd be cool if you were pregnant.
I mean, I'd love it if you were pregnant, But in the future, and maybe by me.
But that's a conversation we'll have one day.
You know, when I'm financially stable.
What I'm trying to say is I really wish you were going 'cause I'm gonna be heat on feet on the dance floor.
[humming dance beat.]
- [laughs.]
Well, I was gonna go anyway, But now I'm gonna have to break out The double-dream hands.
- You're going? - Yeah.
But I guess I have to find a date.
- No! I mean, I know what you should do.
You just got out of a relationship, So you need a non-threatening date.
Someone who won't get all handsy and fresh.
Like--like woodie! - Huh? - He's practically a eunuch.
- What? - Come on, woodie, you don't want to miss your prom.
And the thought of jeena going with some douche bag Makes me want to hurl myself off a cliff.
We'll take a limo! - Thanks for staying sober with me, mondo.
- I'm the designated daddy.
I have to stay sober.
[water pipe bubbles.]
- you and me both, man.
- [laughs.]
oh, woodie.
- Hey, let's play a game where we switch seats And stop touching each other for the rest of the limo ride.
[siren blares.]
oh, what the effin'-eff? - Evening, ma'am.
You had anything to drink tonight? - I haven't had a [hiccups.]
thing.
- Okay, would you mind breathing into this, then? - Go fetch it.
You pigs like mud, don'tcha? - You just declined a breathalyzer.
I'm gonna have to take you downtown.
- Okay, officer.
Sorry.
I'm being difficult.
It's just thatI hate bacon! [squeals like a pig.]
[bleep.]
pig! [tires screech.]
[dance music plays.]
- Really, turk? Her? - That's right.
You want a sandwich? How 'bout I fix you a peanut butter and jealous? [laughs.]
- That should be me getting slapped by bj.
D-d-d-d-dj smart choices coming at you With the freshest beats, rhymes, and sat questions.
We're gonna rock out with our blanks out.
Take off your shoes, children, Because the answer is socks! - Dang, look at all these flavors of baloney! - Don't judge us.
We're eating for four! Look how many balls I can fit in my mouth.
- [nervous chuckle.]
okay Hey, let's go dance, mister heat on feet.
- I can't really dance.
But we can tap our feet and hum.
- [sighs.]
[humming.]
- I'm sorry, could you not hum? It's kinda making me nauseas.
- Well, well, well, If it isn't mr.
Wadska, all by his lonesome.
- Yeah, we knew you were lying about having a woman.
- Wadska, I'm having so much fun.
Can we go dance? Oh, of course, Mila kunis.
Ta-ta, gentlemen.
In the words of my mentor/tormentor turk, Suck it! - Oh, she's way hotter than my date.
- [grunting.]
almost there.
Oh, god, it's no use.
I'll never squeeze through these bars.
- Would you like a sandwich, ma'am? What is it, a ham sandwich, porky pig? - Oh, my god.
Voneeta? - Duncan.
My little prince.
Is that really you? - Oh, losing you was my life's largest regret.
Please, let me explain.
I was on my way to meet you when I was hit By a drunk driver.
[truck horn honking.]
I ended up in a coma for 15 years, And when I came to, I dedicated my life To protecting citizens from the scourge of alcohol abuse, And became a police officer.
But I never stopped thinking of you.
And I would love a second chance.
- Fine.
But try not to screw it up this time, you selfish prick.
- Ooh, yes, spank it again.
Ooh! [laughs.]
- Excuse us for a second? - Dude, this is way more fun than I thought it would be.
- Maybe too much fun! [angry grunts.]
- What are you doing? Are we bro dancing? - No, we're fighting.
And you just kicked my ass.
Oh, who am I kidding? You're the better man With your chiseled good looks and perfect hair.
Just promise me you won't hurt her.
- Bro, I've been talking you up to jeena all night.
- You--you have? - Yeah.
I'm totally getting you in there, dude.
I requested this little ditty.
Now, go ask her to dance.
I'll go entertain dee-dee for you.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, jeena.
I was wondering if you wanted to, If you're not busy - Mondo, this song is gonna end soon.
Can I tell you something? All night, I've been watching you with dee-dee, And I know it sounds weird, but I feel myself getting a littleJealous.
- All I ever am is jealous.
And hungry sometimes.
But mostly jealous.
And I'm really happy you came tonight.
- Me too.
- Dude, it's happening.
- I know.
And you're ruining it.
- No, it's dee-dee! - Oh, here it comes.
- Whoa! - Balls! - [panting.]
dee-dee, are you okay? I got here as fast as I could.
Why am I so out of breath? I ran for, like, four seconds.
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm just dropping the kid off at the poolFor real! Aaaaaah! - Okay! Okay, remember to breathe.
Breathe! Breathe! - [crying out.]
- I'm out of breath again.
I'm in terrible shape.
- Be right back, turk.
I have a little surprise for you.
Everyone, stop talking.
I'm sure you all remember, six months ago, Turk publicly broke up with me for jeena.
I was, like, really embarrassed.
But now that turk and I are back together, I just want to say You're a loser and a tool.
And you have one ball, and it's gross.
You just got dumped, you stupid bitch! [laughter.]
- Oh, sorry, sir.
Oh, my god.
What the hell am I doing at a high school dance? I'm mila kunis! What's happening? Where am I? - There's my girl! - Having a ball? - All right, I guess I deserve that.
- Yeah, you do.
But milan sucks.
Come on, I'll give you a pity dance.
- All right! Oh, you said pity.
I thought you said ti-- - yeah, I know.
- Push! - Oh, god! - Don't push me.
Push the baby out of you.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, okay.
I'm pushing! - I got a paper towel.
Oh Very amniotic, very umbilical.
I'll go get one more.
- Here it comes.
- Aaaaaah! [squlitch.]
- baby! [baby crying.]
You're a miracle.
A disgusting little miracle.
- Oh, I'm gonna name him after his daddy Casa.
Casa malibu spears.
- My baby boy! Dee-dee, I've decided I want to be a part of his life.
- Great.
Although I wish you had made that decision, Like, three minutes earlier.
- Oh.
Hey, woodie.
Turns out my date has more daddy issues than I do.
- Dude, this is your chance.
Get in there! - Excuse me, miss dance, can I have a bj? Oops.
[laughs.]
- Ball.
[crying.]
- Oh, duncan, I'm trembling just being here with you.
Oh, no, scratch that.
My scamp's in neutral.
- Oh, I will never leave your side again.
Is that alcohol? Those kids are breaking the law! I'm gonna have to meet up with you later, If you leave me now, there's not gonna be a later.
It's the badge for the badge.
- I'm sorry, duty calls.
Unh! [thud.]
- Wadska, help! - I have never seen that woman before in my life! Hang on.
Okay, take her away.
- [crying.]
- Hey, voneeta, I was wondering-- - Shut it, gurniel.
I'm gonna raw-dog that ass.
- Oh! - Ecch, mondo, what happened to your tux? You get shot or something? - I wish.
Just had a rough night.
- [scoffs.]
you're not the only one.
I saw on tmz that mila kunis was arrested For supplying minors with alcohol.
- No offense, ma, I just-- I wanna be alone.
- Okay.
No problem.
Jeena's here, but I'll just tell her You'll talk to her tomorrow.
- I can talk now! Tell jeena I can talk now! - [laughing.]
So where'd you run off to? - I just figured you were going home with turk.
- No.
I was just giving him a pity dance.
- Even worse! Oh, you said pity.
- God, do I have a speech impediment or something? Mondo, I was actually thinking about you all night.
- Really? Because I think about you constantly.
Not like a stalker, more like an obsessive fan Who just wants to smell your hair.
All right, that sounded a little creepy.
What I'm trying to say is-- Mmm - Sorry, I interrupted.
You were saying? - Nothing I say matters.
- And then she just kissed you? Very cool.
Very coming-of-age-ical.
- I know, right? How'd it go with you? - Hj was awesome.
- I thought you ended up with bj.
- I did.
- Woodie, remember all those times I was depressed about leaving jersey And moving to playa del toro? - Yeah.
- Well, forget it.
I love it here! Both: Boostamoocha! RIP StarManiacO - Can't get enough of mondo and woodie? Get more of your favorite dudes on mtv.
Com now.