Gravity Falls (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Ha ha! Nacho earrings! I'm hilarious! That's debatable.
Aw, come on.
What's with all this traffic? And why is it all Covered wagons?! Oh, no! No! No! Not today! Not today! Oh, heavens! Goodness! Grunkle Stan, what's going on? We gotta get out of here before it's too late! They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! No!!! I got a good feeling about today.
Dirty glass! We got dirty glass! Dirty glass.
Aw, boy.
It's pioneer day.
Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded.
Welcome to 1863! I will break you, little man! Aah! Aah! Wow, look! Candle dipping! Whoa! Gold panning! I now pronounce you man and wife.
I do! What you talkin' about? Oh, yeah, I remember this.
In Gravity Falls it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers.
Oh, it's still legal very legal.
Come one and all for the opening ceremonies! Grunkle Stan, you comin'? No thank you! Just remember if you come back to the shack talking like these people, you're dead to me! Thar's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar! Well, hornswaggle my haversack! Ha ha ha! Dead to me!!! Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence.
Whoo! I got a bell! He sure loves his bell.
Howdy, everyone.
You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great-granddaughter of town founder Nathaniel Northwest.
I'm also very rich.
Now, if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself.
Audience participation! I don't know, Mabel.
Isn't that girl kind of like your arch enemy? That's water under the bridge.
Our first newcomer is Mabel.
Yeah! Let's this this pioneer day started! Right, guys? USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! I'm sorry to break it to you, but pioneer day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous.
I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly? Hey! I can be serious! You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hon.
Wow, I'm embarrassed for you.
Give her a hand, everybody! Now, who wants to hear more about me? Excuse me.
Every say, "Northwest.
" Northwest.
We're perfect.
Hey, you okay? I need some old-timey butterscotch.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, there.
Donkey boy.
Give me a hand with my car, huh? Here in 1863 I have never heard tell of a car.
Pray tell, what is this magic wheel box? Ach! Come on, Steve, you're a mechanic, for Pete's sake.
Cut me some slack! "Slack.
" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression.
I can't take this anymore! I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! Are we gonna have to intervene here? Oh, look The constable.
What are you gonna do, throw me in "ye stocks"? Ha ha ha ha! Aw, come on! Hey, nice outfit, Gideon.
You actually look less girly than usual.
Aha ha ha ha ha! Why, Stanford, I'm just a humble tomato farmer sellin' his wares.
Whoops! I dropped one! Aah! Whoops! I dropped another one.
Arghh!! Pioneer day!!! Dipper, can I ask you something? Do you think I'm Silly? Uh, noooo.
Ohh! I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke.
Come on, Mabel.
You love that sweater.
I did before Pacifica ruined it for me.
She ruins everything.
Pacifica! Why Doe she think that being related to the town founder means she gets to treat everyone like garbage? Someone needs to take her down a peg.
Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great-grandfather before.
Of course! Oh, this is perfect.
"In my investigations" Should I do the voice? Unh-unh.
I'll just read normal.
"In my investigations I recently made a discovery.
"Nathaniel Northwest may not be the founder of Gravity Falls.
"I believe the proof of this secret is buried "somewhere on the enclosed document.
If only I could crack the code.
" Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud! This could be a major conspiracy! Really? I gotta investigate this! Wait.
I'm coming with you.
Conspiracies are serious, right? Oh, yeah, definitely.
Well, if I help you crack this code, nobody could ever call me silly again! Yeah! Mystery twins? I thought you hated that.
I'm starting to accept it.
This is sheriff blubs.
We've got a code sepia.
What?! And what are you doing about it? I'm following them right now.
Find them and stop them.
There's no room for error.
I understand.
Blubs out.
Deputy durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers.
Are you ready? Whoo! If being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law.
Let's go get 'em! Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! Den days, from telling stories piaround the fire.
Enance so let's eat some books, children.
Go ahead, eat the books! All right, Mabel.
If we can prove that Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it'll finally put Pacifica in her place.
And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly, I'm serious! Seriousss We just need to crack this code.
Let me see It's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not wait! Of course! The triangle is the alchemist's symbol for flame.
Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message! It's so obvious! All right.
Let's just light this sucker up and Mabel! Mwop! I just made a hat! Achh! I just did something silly again! Wait.
Mabel, you folded it into a map.
And I was gonna burn it.
We were on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.
We're hunting 'em down for secret reasons.
Whoo! Mrrrrp! Maybe we should take this elsewhere.
This map should lead us to The Gravity Falls Museum of History.
You realize what this means, Mabel.
We're gonna have to break in.
And those are your free pioneer day passes and your balloons, blue and pink.
We're in.
What are we gonna do next? Steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage? Ew.
No.
According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right Here! We have to figure this one out quick.
I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books.
I don't think the one with the bell can read.
So what is it, anyway? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hey, painting.
Be less stupid.
It worked! Huh? Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down! I think I've seen that statue in the cemetery.
Let's go! Quick! Ow ow ow! Ahh! Ow! Head rush.
I'm sorry, but we're all out of pink balloons.
Why did we even come? Officer blubs.
Blubs here.
Have the targets been apprehended? Negative.
But we're close.
I promise, those kids'll never get past us.
Hey! Wait! Dang it! For the last time, we are not going south for the winter! Our home is here! You always say that! Come on Come on.
Aah! Well, if it isn't Mabel's uncle, Mr.
Pines.
Looking for this? Yeah, yeah.
What do you want, money? I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls.
Oh, sure.
You want that in writing? Mm-hmm There we go.
Ha! I did that with my mouth! Oh, come on! Ah.
The statue must be pointing to the next clue.
Oh, cool! She's picking my nose! Ha ha! Ach.
Mabel, look! Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica? Bam! Ahh! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Okay.
Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode.
I feel serious.
Mmm.
Okay, look out for Booby traps.
Ha! Booby traps.
Tranquilizer darts! Aah! It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things.
Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman.
Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was.
"Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, "fabled founder of Gravity Falls, "was, in fact, a fraud, as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot.
" Ha ha ha! Oh, bad news for Pacifica.
Wait'll the papers hear about this! Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they cou never call me silly! "The true founder of Gravity Falls was sir lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire.
" Who's Quentin Trembley? That's none of your business! Whoo! We gotcha! Whoo! Whoo hmm whoo-hoo He got hit with quite a few of those darts.
But Quentin Trembley's a matter ofyeah! Yeah whoo I think I might be colorblind now.
What do you mean, national security? And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway? See for yourself.
Ahh, black and white?! Shh! Mabel.
If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information.
In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete.
What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief! Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley.
The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.
President?! Eighth-and-a-half?! After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.
He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation.
His state of the union speech was even worse.
The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders! He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed.
Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president and local nobody as founder of Gravity Falls.
The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown.
Until now.
Whoa! Is that, like, Amber or something? The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle.
Smooth move, Mr.
President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission.
And now, thanks to you, it's complete.
Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers? Ohh, silly! Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it.
Does that mean are you gonna kill us?! Oh, no! No, no.
Calm down now, buddy, calm down.
We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington.
You ain't comin' back, by the way.
Whoo-hoo! We got fold-out beds! Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories! I brought rope for friendship bracelets! Anyone there?! Help! Hey! Let us out! Ohh.
I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers.
This is all my fault.
Pacifica had me pegged all along.
I'm just a silly failure, like that embarrassing president what's-his-name.
Aaah! Aahh! It is I, Quentin Trembley.
You're alive! But how? Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties! You're not silly, you're brilliant! And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb! He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; Your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in a hundred years! Oh, stop it.
By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box.
It's a crate, Mr.
President.
Good thing I have the president's key, which can open any lock in America.
I don't think that's gonna work.
Wood! My age-old enemy.
In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.
I think I know who can help you.
Hmm.
How about That hole? We will leap through it! Almost.
Almost there Good Keep pushing.
I'm not sure this is working.
Trust the silliness! Fiddlesticks! Keep going Is that my third wife Sandy? Well, we didn't fit through the hole.
Let's rebuild the box and try again.
We gotta get out of here! Also good.
Blubs! Give me that! There is No escape! I gotta take a knee.
Are you okay? Can I get you anything? Edwin durland, you are a diamond in the rough.
Sheriff blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top! Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation? No, sir.
I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.
Then technically you're still legally the president of the United States, right? You've gotta answer this guy now! Huh? Huh? As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened.
And go on a delightful vacation.
Ow! Yes.
Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two Silly water fun slides in grand lakes, Michigan! Bye-bye! Bye! You've done a great service to your country, Mabel.
As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.
S.
congressman.
I'm legalizing everything! And roderick Uh, actually you, dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land, so I'd like you to have my president's key.
And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours.
George Washington was a jerk.
Agreed.
Oh! Kick her off the team.
Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now? What? Who is that idiot? Put up your Dukes, you bald fiend! The eighth-and-a-half president of America.
How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it Ha ha ha! Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl.
Nice top hat, by the way.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Good one, daughter.
Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud.
Enjoy walking home.
Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray? You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove.
I've learned to see silly as awesome! Well, I haven't learned anything! Hey, Pacifica! Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham.
Deal with it! What?! Mom!!! Man, revenge is underrated.
That felt awesome! Children, I am needed elsewhere.
Just know that I'll always be right here On the negative twelve dollar bill.
Whoa.
This is worthless.
It's less then worthless, my boy.
Trembley away! Where do you think he's going? I'm gonna say Off a cliff.
And then Soos came by and talked to me for like an hour.
You've been through so much.
It works! So what's with the top hat? I am a congressman.
Pardon me? You are officially pardoned.
Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid? No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan.
No, I'm not.
Mabel away! I'm okay! Esteemed gentlemen supreme court, States I implore you to rethink your decision! Very well.
But who would you have replace me? Mama.
That old crone?! Ba ba ba Chief justice num-num, you're spitting up on yourself! Now ohh! Oh, come on! This is a courtroom! I this this is a this is a dark day for America.