Green Wing s01e08 Episode Script
Slave Auction
- I love you.
- What? Nothing.
Do you think you'll ever have kids? Hello.
I'm Caroline Macartney.
One hell of a dad in me bursting to get out.
Crikey.
(French accent) Caroline Secretan.
There.
You have it.
Look, what what do you think I've become? Completely naked under here.
OK.
I need a wee.
- I love you.
- OK.
And you love me.
And we love each other.
Er you're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me.
What? Does it say '"No smoking'"? (stylophone beeps/ Boyce makes beatbox sounds ) - Sometimes I feel - (sings along) I've got to Run away I've got to Get away From the pain you drive into the heart of me The love we share Seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night Give me all your cash.
- Ow! It's me.
It's Martin.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, my God! - You got me in the eyes! - I'm so sorry! Once I ran to you Aah-ahh Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all - Got any spare change? - None at all.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Actually, I don't have any change.
And I resent being called a liar, OK? No, no, it's Look.
See? See? I've actually got no coins at all.
I've only got notes.
Ow.
- How's that? Oh, God.
- 0w! Agh! Apart from these, which are an emergency supply for the parking meters.
- One went in there.
- No, I don't think it did.
Don't get cute, OK? I saw one when when it fell, and it went in there.
It was that one there, all right? So don't pull that face.
Don't make any sudden movements either, cos I am a doc I have a knife as well.
- Good job we work in a hospital, eh? - Agh, God.
You'll be fine, you'll be fine.
Shit! Oh, tainted love Oh, oh, oh, oh Tainted love Don't touch me, please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you, though you hurt me so Now I'm gonna pack my things and go So, will I be able to see you tonight? Probably.
Unless I've perfected my invisibility serum.
I've nearly got it - my toe disappeared last week.
- Morning.
Hi.
- Morning.
Your wife rang.
She said the clinic called with the test results on your pus-y penis.
- Great.
- And your bleeding anus.
- Thanks.
- So if you could give your wife a ring.
Will do.
See ya.
- Your wife? - Ignore him.
He's insanely jealous.
Oh! It's the only way I can get his breakfast down him.
I thought everyone looked friendly.
Well there you go.
At least you've made people happy.
I went to put flowers on Mum's grave! Ow.
Ow! - Ohh Agh! - You're not blind.
Don't worry.
I know you're more of a doctor than I am, but actually you're wrong - I am blind.
Well, for now maybe, but it won't last.
What's going on here? Why are you crying? - I'm not crying! - Did a nurse shout at you again? - No! - Stop it.
Martin's gone blind.
- Ah.
- You said I wasn't blind.
- Oh, blind.
Oh, of course.
- What's that supposed to mean? Everybody knows - good for the prostate, bad for the eyesight.
We gotta get you a girlfriend.
What about Caroline? She's single.
Don't listen to him, Caroline.
Go away! - You're distressing the patient.
- I'm distressing the patient? Was it me who sprayed nasty peppermint in his face? - You heard.
- I'm trying to think of somebody who hasn't.
Let me think.
No, I can't think of anybody.
Ow! That's blind man's swab! You'll be all right.
Mwah! So will you.
- Caroline, are you here? - I'm still here, Martin.
Maybe you should take my pulse again.
Yep, sure.
(contented sigh ) I haven't had you clinging to my ankles recently.
Are you ill? Never been ruder health-wise, thank you.
- Not missing me, then? - No, the gap of you has been amply filled.
- I bet you'd still like to fill my gap, though.
- No, thank you! Come on, then, who is she? Not that cleaner? She hasn't got a sexy smile, she's got a cleft lip! Hm! Do I detect a note of jealousy? - My God, you've changed your tune! - Yes, I march to a different tune.
(hums '"Onward, Christian Soldiers'") What? Yes.
And by the way, it's not a she, it's a he.
- I knew it.
- Jesus.
Jesus? What, the one up in the sky? Or some South American gay boy you've picked up? Stop it.
Stop it.
You're scaring me now.
- I wish I had bigger bosoms.
- Why? Oh, you know, just to know what it's like to really fill a top.
Well, you've got perfectly decent breasts.
Have I? Thanks, Angela.
Not many people with a smaller cup size have such good shape and buoyancy without a bra.
Really? How d'you know? - Because I've seen them.
- You have? When? - Well, you know.
- No, I don't.
We live together.
Of course I've seen them.
- When? - Just around.
- Around what? - Maybe the bath, your room.
Just around.
Look, if you don't believe me They look a bit like - Oh, God, you have seen them.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Does she hand out rosettes in bed? - Who? Emily Brandenburg Concerto No.
1 von Posh.
You can't complain about my girlfriend being too posh, and at the same time continue to be the biggest snob - Snob? - You're not going to contest this one? I'm a man of the people.
I can't be a snob.
- How'd you make that out? - I know lots of working-class people.
- Patients don't count.
- Not patients.
I've got lots of working-class chums er, mates.
- Really? Like who? - Like some of the cleaners here.
OK.
What, you hang out with them, do you? Yeah.
Look, there's Steve.
Steve! - Steve-o.
- Eh? - Steve, innit? - No.
- Erm well, where's Steve? - I don't know any Steve, mate.
Really? Well, you look a lot like him.
They all look a bit the same, do they, Guy? - Mac, my man.
How you doin'? - Terry, good to see you, man.
I like it.
What do you think? Hm? Mm I think you look a bit like a man in drag.
Oi! I said a man in drag! Cor! - Did you get your shift sorted out? - Yeah.
Thanks for that.
- No worries.
- You rushed off your plates? - What? - Your plates of meat, your feet.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? What? I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night.
- Blew a monkey on a dog.
- Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
No, a monkey is 50 sheets.
- Five hundred.
- Is it? What's a pony? - It's like a small horse.
- Who's the ponce? - His name's Gay Guy.
Short for Guilaume.
- Excuse me, did you call me a ponce? - Have you got a problem? - No.
Do you have a problem? - I ain't got a problem.
- I neither have a problem either.
That's neither good, nor bad, because now we can all be '"chums'" together.
- See ya, mate.
- Yeah, take it easy.
Oi! - Goodbye.
Go and do something menial.
- Twat.
Drone! Item six: tonight's charity event.
- Ah, yes.
- This is your thing, isn't it? Yes.
Charity is very much my thing.
I personally have been working tirelessly on our latest fund-raising event.
Don't know how you find the time, what with all your praying.
Tonight's fun-filled extravaganza, the Grand Slave Auction.
- This slave auction thing's a bit tacky.
- Puerile.
Yes yes.
That's exactly what I was saying to Martin Dear, - whose idea the auction actually was.
- I thought you worked tirelessly on this.
- Sorry, is is he here? - We've been through this.
- He's Maintenance.
- He is a head of department.
- Not a proper department.
- He's Head of IT.
- Every week we get this.
- I suppose radiology's proper medicine? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer.
Yes, it bloody is! I should have got you to sign them ages ago.
I've just been a bit distracted recently.
- Is it something you'd like to talk about? - No.
If something's distracting you from your work, you best get it off that lovely chest.
- I'd rather not discuss it.
- Fine.
Bye.
All right.
I'll start from the beginning.
There's this doctor.
When I first arrived, I thought - No, no, no! - What? - Is it a long story? - Yes, I suppose.
It might be best if we don't start at the beginning.
OK.
What, halfway through? No! - Three-quarters? - Oh, who cares? Basically, I didn't like him.
In fact, I hated him.
Although I thought he had kind eyes.
But he was rude and offhand and clever, so I thought, '"No'".
But now, well now I think maybe I like him.
I think I was right about the eyes.
Yes, I do like him.
- I see.
- In a non-professional way.
Ah.
- I work with him every day, so - (exaggerated gasps ) - What? - Nothing.
It's You you work with him every day? Yeah.
- Guy? - No.
The other one? Yeah.
(voice quivers ) The the one with the lion's mane? I Yeah.
I see.
Well, Dr Trodd, maybe you've had your chance with him.
Maybe it's too late.
Maybe someone else deserves to take priority.
Maybe you should just stay away or pay the price, hm?! Now, maybe you should think about that.
You've been warned, lady.
I will write you a cheque for £100, to ensure that I don't have to attend.
- Anybody else coming? - I don't see the point.
Yeah, sure.
It's charity.
Cool.
I don't see the point in ignoring it.
Yeah, I'll be there.
C-can't you think up your own mind? All right, why don't you put yourself up for auction, then, if it's for a good cause? Yeah.
Sure.
Are you gonna put yourself up? Well, I I-I am the auctioneer.
- I'll be the auctioneer.
- Well done, Charles.
(Lyndon ) I don't think we should force him.
He knows his own limitations.
All right! I hereby put myself up for auction.
It'll set the bench mark, as it were.
Set a gold standard.
Hurrah! Suddenly I can't wait! - (chairman ) Item seven - Sorry, thought we'd finished.
- (chairman ) Item seven - Sorry, thought we'd finished.
- Don't you think - Ooh, mate! - Are you ready, Dr Todd? - I am, Dr Mac.
Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo (Mac sighs exhaustedly ) Princess Leia.
I think, Harriet, I've got most of it out.
So if you just keep liquids away from the keyboard, it should help.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Can I help you at all? - No, it's all under control.
- Fine.
Fine.
Well, I'm just in my office if you need me.
- So what was it, anyway? - Sea-Monkeys.
- Sorry? - I dropped a Malteser in the tank.
Then I tried to hoik it out with a nail file, and it went whoosh! No more Sea-Monkeys.
Shame.
Psst.
Lyndon, could you help us over here a minute, please? Lyndon, you're a man.
In your opinion, who would you say has the best arse? - I haven't had a look at them, so - Here's your chance.
- I'd rather not see flesh.
- No, these.
- Oh! - Which bottom do you think is the sexiest? Erm Well, it's just a personal preference, but I'd say number three.
- What, big pants? - I told you, it's a personal preference.
I like big pants, and those were the biggest.
Oh, bloody! - Got anyone in mind? - Erm I'm thinking about putting in a bid for Caroline maybe.
Really? Who would have thought it, eh? Mind you, you might have a bit of competition.
Our donkey-faced friend.
He might try and outbid you.
Not if I get him to put his name down for the auction, because slaves can't buy slaves.
Clever.
Go on, then.
Go on.
Hi, Guy.
D'you wanna put your name down? No.
- Please? - I'm not a fucking whore.
(whispering) - It is for a good cause.
- I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
You won't make him.
He'll be up against me.
It'll probably be too embarrassing for him.
- Er I'd sell for more than you.
- Yeah? I guess we'll never know.
Put my name down.
These things need to be quantified.
He'll learn.
Where'd she go? - Cheers, Mac.
- Wasn't too hard, was it? You see, I always thought of God as more of a huge, shapeless entity.
Massive.
Very, very lumpy.
Resounding with shapes and colours and smells.
There's no face or legs or body, just all these arms! Many, many hands that just scoop up people from this world and set them down up there, somewhere beyond the clouds, where they can look down on those they've left behind.
I found it very comforting - to me, when my mother died.
Yes, well, that's just wrong, isn't it? If you stuck to what it says in the Bible, you'd have been more comforted.
And perhaps your mother wouldn't have died.
Thanks very much for coming in, Dr Statham.
Fuck off! Yes.
You are a very, very lucky man, Dr Macartney.
- Am I? - I've decided to take you up on your offer.
Yeah? What offer is that? You asked me if I wanted to try the new Armenian restaurant.
That was ages ago.
And you said, and I quote, '"I would rather eat poo.
'" Yeah, but that was when I thought you were conceited and mean.
- I see.
- Which is why you're so very, very lucky.
- Uh-huh? - Because I've had a change of heart.
I believe we're both free, er nine o'clock on Friday.
(clicks fingers ) I don't think I am.
(embarrassed laugh ) Are you washing your hair? No.
I'm gonna go and see La Traviata with, erm Yeah.
With this lady here, in fact.
Hello, I'm Emily.
April fool! In what sense? September fool! Everyone's on the lookout in April, so I like to do it seven months early.
- So you still don't like me, do you? - (manic laugh ) Can't stand you! - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too, Emilily.
- Emily.
- I'm Caroline Todd.
- Hi.
- That's Dr Todd.
Are you a doctor? Oh, no, you're not, are you? Are you anything? - Emily is a lady.
- So am I.
No, Emily is a lady.
- So am I.
- Really? You're Lady Caroline? - What an amazing coincidence! - I just don't like to use the title.
- Absolutely.
Me neither.
- Anything else you'd like to know? - Emmy's in physiotherapy.
- (as Emily ) How lovely! - Shall I tell her about Mr Chips? - Yes, why not.
- Emmy has a horse.
- Couldn't afford a car? - No, no, it's a hobby.
- A hobbyhorse! OK! I think you two are going to have a lot to talk about.
But right now, I think surgery beckons.
Where's your palace? How many counties do you own? You take care.
See you later.
Bye.
- Bye, Lady Emily.
Your Highness.
- Bye! - (Mac) Stop it! - What? Sorry to have left you all so abruptly.
Panic over.
I am now all yours once again.
Now then, where were we? The third upper metatarsal.
- In Oh.
- (chuckles ) Is something wrong, Doctor? - No, nothing at all.
- Are you gonna grant us three wishes? No.
You've got a star on the end of your pointer.
Yes.
Yes, so there is.
A little little Star of Bethlehem.
- Never mind.
Not to worry.
- That's really frustrating.
- You can't see what's being pointed at.
- Lighten up.
I think you'll find a sense of humour will help us overcome this problem.
I don't think you understand.
That's soldered on.
It's never gonna come off.
Yes, quite.
Remarkable - all achieved in apparently under five minutes.
Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal Agh! Piece of piss, this job.
(exaggerated Scottish accent) Have I got any meetings this afternoon? I said, have I got any meetings this afternoon? - ( door creaks ) - Oi! Peeper.
- What, me? - Yeah, you.
- Lurking and watching.
- I'm not lurking.
I'm moving about.
I'm in motion, in the hospital, just you know All right, well, seeing as you're here, I just bought a new bra and I think it makes my boobs look uneven.
- What do you think? - Well, erm Er maybe the right one is a tiny teenth higher than the left.
- So, Emilily.
- Emmy.
Emmy.
- Yeah, what about her? - No disrespect, but she is a bit posh.
Maybe she is.
But you know what? There's nothing wrong with being a bit posh.
I'm not saying there is.
I'm just thinking of my experience with posh girls at college.
Oh, yeah.
She doesn't march about a bit too much? You know, with quite big strides and swinging her arms? '"Rah, rah, rah!'" - For instance? - No, she doesn't do that.
Good.
Well? - Well? - Erm, rocks.
They're like Yeah, solid.
Absolutely - Great.
Cheers.
- (contented sigh ) Go on, then.
Go back to your moving around thing you do.
Er So she doesn't have a snorty laugh but no sense of humour? Or have unresolved sexual tensions with her father? Or a friend called Poppy who's an interior designer? And she doesn't covet an Aga? Or have an aunt who agreed with Hitler? Or have friends in Wiltshire? No, she hasn't.
She has not, and she doesn't.
And she - No.
No.
- Good.
- Fine.
- She sounds great.
Yes.
- Kimmy! Where are the F25s? - Hm? The F25s.
Erm top drawer.
- Get them myself, shall I? - Yeah.
- You all right? - Hm? - Are you all right? - Yeah.
Are you going to this auction thingy tonight? Er Probably.
- Got your eye on anyone in particular? - No.
Hm.
Well, thanks for the scintillating conversation.
(relieved sigh ) - What? - Lovely day.
- I thought it was cloudy and chilly.
- Yeah.
- (lift bell pings ) - On you go.
- Don't you want it? - No.
Just wanted to see you safely into the metal womb.
- I'll take the stairs.
- Sure? Can't tempt you? No.
And don't follow me.
Someone tied this bloody wire across the stairs.
That's really dangerous! - Ow! - Give me that.
- What was that for? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Thanks for the glasses, mate.
Oh, God, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac.
I know this is boring.
Bloody computer virus wiped off half your records.
So, still single, I see, and no one can understand it.
Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
A-ha.
God, I want you.
Not just sexually.
In every way.
I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep, run my hand over your back, and edge forward into regions, knowing that in my hand I could make you feel like no other could.
- Mobile phone number? - 07956 - Actually, I'm between - Thighs? - Networks.
- OK.
And, er Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
- House number? - 21.
That's it.
That's all we were missing.
All righty.
Well, you know, you're free to go.
- See you at the slave auction.
- Oh, yes.
(whispers ) I have an unlimited budget.
Psst! Martin! I'm in grave danger.
- From what? - The madness of Queen Sue.
She says she wants to reach into my regions and feel me in her mouth.
- No one ever says that to me.
- I want to be withdrawn from the auction.
You can't do that.
You're the star attraction.
Mate, I'm sorry.
I'll write a big cheque toward the fluoroscopy suite.
Fuck it! Fuck it, I'll buy the whole thing.
150 grand? Bargain! No, she's not here.
I know what's cheating and what isn't, cos I know the rules.
Hello.
I'd like a pint of Guinness, and two bitter lemons for the ladies.
The match is null and void.
and Mac is a cheat.
You won't have to put up with me much longer, unless you visit me in Sheffield.
- Sheffield? - In South Yorkshire.
- What's the point of Sheffield? - What's the point of Sheffield? It was an easily defended site, cos there was a river to the north and the east.
They built a castle.
Then there was a church, a market.
They made wool.
Then they became famous for cutlery.
Then came crucible steel and I know.
What's the point of you going to Sheffield? That's where my new job is.
I thought, '"That's where my new job is.
I should go there.
'" A lot of people work from home these days, but it's really hard for surgeons.
Did they sack you at last? They saw through the ginger bluff? - Can't say I'm surprised.
- No, I resigned.
Sheffield offered me a consultancy.
A consultant? Wow! - Congratulations.
- Yeah, well, I mean, Sheffield.
- When do you leave? - Next week.
- Couldn't they make it any sooner? - Guy! I know technically he's a good surgeon, so in that case he'll be missed, - but I'm sure we'll cope.
- He is your friend.
- He's a wanker.
- And I'm sure he'll miss you as well.
Nah, he's a wanker.
Jesus, here she comes.
Cover me.
Cover me.
- Has anyone seen Mac? - Yeah, he's in Sheffield apparently.
- Hello, I'm Josh's mum.
- Hi, I'm Robbie's mum.
Oh, right.
Wow.
- Mrs Schulenburg.
- Hello.
- Would you like to come through? - Yeah.
Sorry.
One, two.
One, two.
Slave auction.
Now Robbie.
Is there any history of mental illness in the family? No.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I think so.
You know about the penguin with the chain saw? Yes.
Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend.
Robbie twitches quite a lot facially, except when he's pretending to be dead, which can last for several hours in a day.
Yeah Yeah I imagine that's less disruptive.
He licks people's legs, and he's told us that you and his father don't bleed.
I It's best to nip it in the bud.
Are there any major problems at home? Erm he does like to eat bread straight from the freezer.
'"Bread lollies'", he calls them.
But we thought that was kind of sweet.
He can slip off your cover and tamper with your circuits.
- He's our - (women whooping) He's our very own '"it'" man, it's Lyndon Jones.
(women screaming) Certainly a popular lad.
We have £20 from the lady in pink.
30.
All right, 30.
And 70 from the lady in the spots.
OK, £70.
- (woman ) £100.
- £100 from the lady down here.
Thank you.
- 200! - £200 from the lady on my left.
Any advance on £200? - £500.
(Charles ) Well! We have £500 from Joanna Clore.
Any any advance on £500? Doesn't look like we're going to get anything else.
Sold to the Head of Human Resources, Joanna Clore! (cheering) If you'd just like to, erm collect your restaurant voucher on the way out.
And be gentle with him.
All right, now we have a new member of staff on offer.
It's none other than Dr Todd.
(cheering) All right.
Who's going to open the bidding for Dr Todd? - (woman ) £5.
- (Guy ) Oh, a snatch terrier! (giggling) You do know it's a woman? Don't let the manly features fool you.
Hang on! Wait! Wait! (panting) Three thousand pounds.
(audience gasps ) - 3,000? - It's a banker's draft.
Right.
Sold to the gentleman down here for £3,000.
(cheering) '"Love lift us up where we belong.
'" And here he's been making sentences using words beginning with S-M.
- I see.
- '"My mummy smokes.
'" - '"My mummy smacks me.
'" - I don't actually.
Oh, no, no.
It's just an exercise.
- No, we don't believe in smacking.
- Mm, I'm sure.
And, er this one actually is wrong, this one.
- '"My mummy's bottom smells.
'" - That one's obviously made up.
- Oh, yep, I'm sure it is.
- No, but you've given it a tick.
Yes.
Yes, well, that's because it is correct within the confines of the exercise.
I don't think you should have ticked it.
It looks like you're agreeing with the statement.
No, no, I wasn't in any way condoning the accusation.
Right.
Cos that's obviously just a crazy imagination running riot.
All right.
So, Lyndon, what fascinates you, hm? - Binary code.
- Does it? Yeah.
Yeah, it does me too - all those ones and zeros.
Indeed.
Hard little rods and tight little holes just waiting to meet up and make something very, very special.
You should teach.
You don't give much away, do you, Lyndie? You're like an iceberg.
- White? - No, no.
I never get to see more than one tenth of you.
So what are you, a Titanic? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm the Titanic, and you can rip into my hull and flood my front lower chambers.
(cackles ) Mac, I did it! I did it.
Caroline's going home to get ready.
No? Nice one.
Congratulations.
- Thanks.
I can't do it.
- What? - I'm not gonna be able to do it.
- Of course you can.
Let go.
- Course you can.
- I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I just Me and Caroline, we talk, blah, blah, blah - Just say those three things? - That was this morning.
- But I want to get onto the next level.
- OK.
Maybe she sees you as too much of a friend.
God, yes.
Have you tried being have you tried being nastier? - No.
- OK, well, look at Guy.
Complete bastard.
Doesn't stop him getting to the next level.
In fact, it seems to help.
- Like '"Treat 'em keen, keep 'em mean.
'" - Other way round, but yeah.
He's Swiss, he's Gay Secretan.
- (laughter) - Yeah, that's that's Guy Secretan.
Sorry.
He's gay Guy Secretan.
No, there's no '"gay'".
It's just Guy.
Right, yes.
He's plain old Guy Secretan.
That's right, girls.
So, who'll who'll start the bidding? Who'd like to try this fine figure of a man? - We've all tried him.
- (Kim ) He's easy.
- Slag! - This is shite! Can we just have Dr Macartney on now? I'm sorry, Dr Macartney has had to withdraw from the auction because his cat is ill.
(screeching) (sobbing) The old sick cat excuse comes out again.
Some people just can't stand the heat.
Right, erm Could we have your bids, please? - (Karen ) £4.
- Yeah, see, there we go.
- Ooh, yes, £10.
- No wrinklies, thank you.
- OK, 30 quid for donkey boy.
- Sold over there.
- There might be some other bids.
- I don't think so.
Eee-aw! Eee-aw! (cheering) - A bit of shadow boxing, OK? - Shadow boxing? Hit these babies.
Lay it on them.
Come on.
- Don't want to hurt you.
- Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Whoa! That's it.
Not too hard.
That's lovely.
Yes! It's the end of the evening.
You've been out.
Great time.
Be assertive.
Don't be so nice.
Assertive.
- I'll be Caroline.
- Right.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for a lovely meal.
What shall we do now? Erm right, well.
Let's go upstairs, get into bed, and have some blooming sex! - Sorry.
- Jesus fucking Christ! - I can be a bit dangerous.
- No, better.
Better.
- Right.
Yes, let's - OK.
Grr! Come on, let's have sex, you bitch! - Grr! - Yeah! (Charles ) Next up, we have a senior consultant.
Yes, it's your ever-popular Director of Radiology.
It's Dr Alan Statham! (ceremonial music on personal stereo ) (wolf-whistling) - Holy fuck! - (laughter) Sorry.
Well, I-I thought it was Alan Statham, but it appears we've got Russell Crowe instead.
Erm who's going to open the bids? - Do I hear £50? - I'll give you 50p.
No.
A man can't buy a man.
It's against the law.
What law is that, then? - J Julius Caesar's quad hominix lex.
- (laughter) Right.
OK, any advance on 50p? - 30p! - (laughter) - 30p.
- Stop it! That's enough.
Come along now.
The sword alone must be worth more than 30p.
(laughter) - Hi.
- Whatever.
- Oh, can I have some wine? - Get it yourself.
- What? - Get the bloody wine yourself.
Martin, is that you? Well, yeah! Of course it's me, fuzzhead! It's me - Caroline.
You've been to my house, remember? It's not your house, it's your brother's.
Bloody women! I'm not sure I like your tone tonight, Martin.
Fuck off! Naughty! You are so funny, Lyndon! I didn't say anything.
GSOH.
Good sense of humour.
Crucial.
(West Indian accent) Crucial.
(cackles ) Oh! Ole! Ãndale! Arriba! Now, you are my slave, and I can make you do anything I want you to.
- Within reason.
- Not necessarily.
(mumbles ) - For instance, pop this on.
- What? Go on, slave.
Pop that on.
Pop it on, pop it on, pop it on.
Ooh! Pretty good.
That's, erm Just suck your cheeks in.
- Why? - Just do it! - OK! - Pretend you've got cheekbones.
- Say, '"Hello, Sue.
'" - Hello, Sue.
(excited gasp ) '"I'm Dr Macartney.
'" - I'm Dr I'm not For God's sake! - Touch my bottom.
Touch! Touch! (hysterical giggling) - (Boyce clears throat) - Light the candle? - No, thank you.
- Yes, please.
Thank you.
- Who would like to taste the wine? - I would.
- Actually, that'll be me.
- I rather think, with my experience - I rather think - No, I rather think I bought you for 30p! Would you shh, speak in? (self-conscious cough ) Hello, Mac, it's Martin.
Well, on the whole, I'd say it's not really working.
- Taxi! - No, Mac.
Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac! No, she's not actually speaking to me any more.
( Spanish instrumental) Mmm! - No, I'm allergic to sour cream.
- You've got to.
Please.
- It's lovely, thanks.
- (speaking with mouth full) Right Oh, that is oh, that is brilliant! Thank you, Mac.
Thank you! I love you! In a manly man kind of a way.
Thank you.
- OK, yes.
Goodbye.
- Stop! (Boyce) Well, this is nice, isn't it? Civilised.
Two men alone.
So, any interest in football? No, me neither.
Erm - So, top ten favourite films.
- Joanna brought me here once.
To discuss hospital employment policy.
Surreptitiously, however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.
Let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? This is nice, isn't it? - Great.
- Nice showroom, isn't it? Not too not too busy for a Saturday.
- (pats sofa ) Like this one.
Shall we? - Yeah.
- Shall we? Shall we buy it? - Yes, let's buy it, darling.
- OK.
- I can see my puny body draped across it.
- Can you? - Yes.
I can see - I can see my ginger pubes - Oh, stop it.
- .
.
collecting in the cracks.
- Ooh, you can collect it in my crack.
Ooh, lovely.
Ooh, you lovely thing.
( Spanish instrumental) You are a wonderful dancer.
Thanks.
That was lovely.
Thanks.
This is super.
So, when Mac suggested this nightclub, did he know there was gonna be a hypnotist? Well, no.
Sorry about all that.
Because that's what I meant, is that we went for a drink, and there happened to be a cabaret there, and muggins here gets picked up picked on and pulled up on stage, and, hey presto, I'm turned into a complete bastard.
And so, bummer.
Sorry.
And the the trigger word is Exactly, yeah.
The word beginning with W, rhymes with '"nine'".
And Mac knew, to snap me out of it, he had to say '"milk'".
And that's why Hmm Good old Mac.
Yeah.
So I was thinking that that maybe it's time for you and me to get to know each other properly.
Good old Mac.
He'll be gone soon.
Yeah.
Yeah Anyway, coming back to the us getting to know each other properly thing - I love Mac.
- Hmm.
Right, well, I'd better get a cab.
- What, to mine? - Home.
- Mi casa es su casa! - No, thanks.
We've had a fantastic night.
We don't want to stop the fun now.
- It was for charity.
- Yeah, well, charity begins at home.
You are a very clever man.
No, you are a very clever man.
- No, you are a very clever, clever man.
- No, no, you are.
- You - Don't be stupid.
- I'm not stupid.
- I never said you were.
I think you did.
I think you said I was stupid.
You crazy bitch! - Interesting.
But put the breadstick down.
- Aah! Aah! There's no point beating about the bush, Lyndon.
I'm going to let you into a little secret.
- I find you immensely physically attractive.
- I'm sure you're just saying that to be kind.
Join with me and pleasure your physical body as well as your mind, you poor, poor lovely man! - I'd rather not.
- Why? Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! That's why.
- Me? - Yes.
Sorry, that's how it is.
Look, why don't we just go back and forget this ever happened? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, let's do that.
Right, well, bye.
I don't mind swallowing! - (French accent) Spaghetti carbonara? - I think That's me.
Thank you.
Oeuf à la coque et mouillettes? - Boiled egg and soldiers.
- That's me.
Thanks.
- Would you like some more wine? - Erm, I don't think No, piss off, you Spanish bastard! - He's French.
- I don't speak French, you stupid bitch! - Milk! Milk, milk - Is that two milks? Yes, thank you very much.
Thanks.
Phew! (sighs ) Right.
'"Day four week 25.
'" Younger older.
Older younger.
Siren hag.
(alarm clock ringing) (grunts ) - Erm - Just silence! - But, er - Get out! Get, get, get up! I can't.
Just get out of my inner sanctum, this minute! - Well, I've got no pants on.
- (panicked gasp ) - Closed? - Closed.
- Oh, you look lovely.
- Shh.
No, no! If if you (mumbles ) It's not!
- What? Nothing.
Do you think you'll ever have kids? Hello.
I'm Caroline Macartney.
One hell of a dad in me bursting to get out.
Crikey.
(French accent) Caroline Secretan.
There.
You have it.
Look, what what do you think I've become? Completely naked under here.
OK.
I need a wee.
- I love you.
- OK.
And you love me.
And we love each other.
Er you're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me.
What? Does it say '"No smoking'"? (stylophone beeps/ Boyce makes beatbox sounds ) - Sometimes I feel - (sings along) I've got to Run away I've got to Get away From the pain you drive into the heart of me The love we share Seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night Give me all your cash.
- Ow! It's me.
It's Martin.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, my God! - You got me in the eyes! - I'm so sorry! Once I ran to you Aah-ahh Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all - Got any spare change? - None at all.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Actually, I don't have any change.
And I resent being called a liar, OK? No, no, it's Look.
See? See? I've actually got no coins at all.
I've only got notes.
Ow.
- How's that? Oh, God.
- 0w! Agh! Apart from these, which are an emergency supply for the parking meters.
- One went in there.
- No, I don't think it did.
Don't get cute, OK? I saw one when when it fell, and it went in there.
It was that one there, all right? So don't pull that face.
Don't make any sudden movements either, cos I am a doc I have a knife as well.
- Good job we work in a hospital, eh? - Agh, God.
You'll be fine, you'll be fine.
Shit! Oh, tainted love Oh, oh, oh, oh Tainted love Don't touch me, please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you, though you hurt me so Now I'm gonna pack my things and go So, will I be able to see you tonight? Probably.
Unless I've perfected my invisibility serum.
I've nearly got it - my toe disappeared last week.
- Morning.
Hi.
- Morning.
Your wife rang.
She said the clinic called with the test results on your pus-y penis.
- Great.
- And your bleeding anus.
- Thanks.
- So if you could give your wife a ring.
Will do.
See ya.
- Your wife? - Ignore him.
He's insanely jealous.
Oh! It's the only way I can get his breakfast down him.
I thought everyone looked friendly.
Well there you go.
At least you've made people happy.
I went to put flowers on Mum's grave! Ow.
Ow! - Ohh Agh! - You're not blind.
Don't worry.
I know you're more of a doctor than I am, but actually you're wrong - I am blind.
Well, for now maybe, but it won't last.
What's going on here? Why are you crying? - I'm not crying! - Did a nurse shout at you again? - No! - Stop it.
Martin's gone blind.
- Ah.
- You said I wasn't blind.
- Oh, blind.
Oh, of course.
- What's that supposed to mean? Everybody knows - good for the prostate, bad for the eyesight.
We gotta get you a girlfriend.
What about Caroline? She's single.
Don't listen to him, Caroline.
Go away! - You're distressing the patient.
- I'm distressing the patient? Was it me who sprayed nasty peppermint in his face? - You heard.
- I'm trying to think of somebody who hasn't.
Let me think.
No, I can't think of anybody.
Ow! That's blind man's swab! You'll be all right.
Mwah! So will you.
- Caroline, are you here? - I'm still here, Martin.
Maybe you should take my pulse again.
Yep, sure.
(contented sigh ) I haven't had you clinging to my ankles recently.
Are you ill? Never been ruder health-wise, thank you.
- Not missing me, then? - No, the gap of you has been amply filled.
- I bet you'd still like to fill my gap, though.
- No, thank you! Come on, then, who is she? Not that cleaner? She hasn't got a sexy smile, she's got a cleft lip! Hm! Do I detect a note of jealousy? - My God, you've changed your tune! - Yes, I march to a different tune.
(hums '"Onward, Christian Soldiers'") What? Yes.
And by the way, it's not a she, it's a he.
- I knew it.
- Jesus.
Jesus? What, the one up in the sky? Or some South American gay boy you've picked up? Stop it.
Stop it.
You're scaring me now.
- I wish I had bigger bosoms.
- Why? Oh, you know, just to know what it's like to really fill a top.
Well, you've got perfectly decent breasts.
Have I? Thanks, Angela.
Not many people with a smaller cup size have such good shape and buoyancy without a bra.
Really? How d'you know? - Because I've seen them.
- You have? When? - Well, you know.
- No, I don't.
We live together.
Of course I've seen them.
- When? - Just around.
- Around what? - Maybe the bath, your room.
Just around.
Look, if you don't believe me They look a bit like - Oh, God, you have seen them.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Does she hand out rosettes in bed? - Who? Emily Brandenburg Concerto No.
1 von Posh.
You can't complain about my girlfriend being too posh, and at the same time continue to be the biggest snob - Snob? - You're not going to contest this one? I'm a man of the people.
I can't be a snob.
- How'd you make that out? - I know lots of working-class people.
- Patients don't count.
- Not patients.
I've got lots of working-class chums er, mates.
- Really? Like who? - Like some of the cleaners here.
OK.
What, you hang out with them, do you? Yeah.
Look, there's Steve.
Steve! - Steve-o.
- Eh? - Steve, innit? - No.
- Erm well, where's Steve? - I don't know any Steve, mate.
Really? Well, you look a lot like him.
They all look a bit the same, do they, Guy? - Mac, my man.
How you doin'? - Terry, good to see you, man.
I like it.
What do you think? Hm? Mm I think you look a bit like a man in drag.
Oi! I said a man in drag! Cor! - Did you get your shift sorted out? - Yeah.
Thanks for that.
- No worries.
- You rushed off your plates? - What? - Your plates of meat, your feet.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? What? I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night.
- Blew a monkey on a dog.
- Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
No, a monkey is 50 sheets.
- Five hundred.
- Is it? What's a pony? - It's like a small horse.
- Who's the ponce? - His name's Gay Guy.
Short for Guilaume.
- Excuse me, did you call me a ponce? - Have you got a problem? - No.
Do you have a problem? - I ain't got a problem.
- I neither have a problem either.
That's neither good, nor bad, because now we can all be '"chums'" together.
- See ya, mate.
- Yeah, take it easy.
Oi! - Goodbye.
Go and do something menial.
- Twat.
Drone! Item six: tonight's charity event.
- Ah, yes.
- This is your thing, isn't it? Yes.
Charity is very much my thing.
I personally have been working tirelessly on our latest fund-raising event.
Don't know how you find the time, what with all your praying.
Tonight's fun-filled extravaganza, the Grand Slave Auction.
- This slave auction thing's a bit tacky.
- Puerile.
Yes yes.
That's exactly what I was saying to Martin Dear, - whose idea the auction actually was.
- I thought you worked tirelessly on this.
- Sorry, is is he here? - We've been through this.
- He's Maintenance.
- He is a head of department.
- Not a proper department.
- He's Head of IT.
- Every week we get this.
- I suppose radiology's proper medicine? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer.
Yes, it bloody is! I should have got you to sign them ages ago.
I've just been a bit distracted recently.
- Is it something you'd like to talk about? - No.
If something's distracting you from your work, you best get it off that lovely chest.
- I'd rather not discuss it.
- Fine.
Bye.
All right.
I'll start from the beginning.
There's this doctor.
When I first arrived, I thought - No, no, no! - What? - Is it a long story? - Yes, I suppose.
It might be best if we don't start at the beginning.
OK.
What, halfway through? No! - Three-quarters? - Oh, who cares? Basically, I didn't like him.
In fact, I hated him.
Although I thought he had kind eyes.
But he was rude and offhand and clever, so I thought, '"No'".
But now, well now I think maybe I like him.
I think I was right about the eyes.
Yes, I do like him.
- I see.
- In a non-professional way.
Ah.
- I work with him every day, so - (exaggerated gasps ) - What? - Nothing.
It's You you work with him every day? Yeah.
- Guy? - No.
The other one? Yeah.
(voice quivers ) The the one with the lion's mane? I Yeah.
I see.
Well, Dr Trodd, maybe you've had your chance with him.
Maybe it's too late.
Maybe someone else deserves to take priority.
Maybe you should just stay away or pay the price, hm?! Now, maybe you should think about that.
You've been warned, lady.
I will write you a cheque for £100, to ensure that I don't have to attend.
- Anybody else coming? - I don't see the point.
Yeah, sure.
It's charity.
Cool.
I don't see the point in ignoring it.
Yeah, I'll be there.
C-can't you think up your own mind? All right, why don't you put yourself up for auction, then, if it's for a good cause? Yeah.
Sure.
Are you gonna put yourself up? Well, I I-I am the auctioneer.
- I'll be the auctioneer.
- Well done, Charles.
(Lyndon ) I don't think we should force him.
He knows his own limitations.
All right! I hereby put myself up for auction.
It'll set the bench mark, as it were.
Set a gold standard.
Hurrah! Suddenly I can't wait! - (chairman ) Item seven - Sorry, thought we'd finished.
- (chairman ) Item seven - Sorry, thought we'd finished.
- Don't you think - Ooh, mate! - Are you ready, Dr Todd? - I am, Dr Mac.
Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha Gin gan goo, gin gan goo (Mac sighs exhaustedly ) Princess Leia.
I think, Harriet, I've got most of it out.
So if you just keep liquids away from the keyboard, it should help.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Can I help you at all? - No, it's all under control.
- Fine.
Fine.
Well, I'm just in my office if you need me.
- So what was it, anyway? - Sea-Monkeys.
- Sorry? - I dropped a Malteser in the tank.
Then I tried to hoik it out with a nail file, and it went whoosh! No more Sea-Monkeys.
Shame.
Psst.
Lyndon, could you help us over here a minute, please? Lyndon, you're a man.
In your opinion, who would you say has the best arse? - I haven't had a look at them, so - Here's your chance.
- I'd rather not see flesh.
- No, these.
- Oh! - Which bottom do you think is the sexiest? Erm Well, it's just a personal preference, but I'd say number three.
- What, big pants? - I told you, it's a personal preference.
I like big pants, and those were the biggest.
Oh, bloody! - Got anyone in mind? - Erm I'm thinking about putting in a bid for Caroline maybe.
Really? Who would have thought it, eh? Mind you, you might have a bit of competition.
Our donkey-faced friend.
He might try and outbid you.
Not if I get him to put his name down for the auction, because slaves can't buy slaves.
Clever.
Go on, then.
Go on.
Hi, Guy.
D'you wanna put your name down? No.
- Please? - I'm not a fucking whore.
(whispering) - It is for a good cause.
- I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
You won't make him.
He'll be up against me.
It'll probably be too embarrassing for him.
- Er I'd sell for more than you.
- Yeah? I guess we'll never know.
Put my name down.
These things need to be quantified.
He'll learn.
Where'd she go? - Cheers, Mac.
- Wasn't too hard, was it? You see, I always thought of God as more of a huge, shapeless entity.
Massive.
Very, very lumpy.
Resounding with shapes and colours and smells.
There's no face or legs or body, just all these arms! Many, many hands that just scoop up people from this world and set them down up there, somewhere beyond the clouds, where they can look down on those they've left behind.
I found it very comforting - to me, when my mother died.
Yes, well, that's just wrong, isn't it? If you stuck to what it says in the Bible, you'd have been more comforted.
And perhaps your mother wouldn't have died.
Thanks very much for coming in, Dr Statham.
Fuck off! Yes.
You are a very, very lucky man, Dr Macartney.
- Am I? - I've decided to take you up on your offer.
Yeah? What offer is that? You asked me if I wanted to try the new Armenian restaurant.
That was ages ago.
And you said, and I quote, '"I would rather eat poo.
'" Yeah, but that was when I thought you were conceited and mean.
- I see.
- Which is why you're so very, very lucky.
- Uh-huh? - Because I've had a change of heart.
I believe we're both free, er nine o'clock on Friday.
(clicks fingers ) I don't think I am.
(embarrassed laugh ) Are you washing your hair? No.
I'm gonna go and see La Traviata with, erm Yeah.
With this lady here, in fact.
Hello, I'm Emily.
April fool! In what sense? September fool! Everyone's on the lookout in April, so I like to do it seven months early.
- So you still don't like me, do you? - (manic laugh ) Can't stand you! - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too, Emilily.
- Emily.
- I'm Caroline Todd.
- Hi.
- That's Dr Todd.
Are you a doctor? Oh, no, you're not, are you? Are you anything? - Emily is a lady.
- So am I.
No, Emily is a lady.
- So am I.
- Really? You're Lady Caroline? - What an amazing coincidence! - I just don't like to use the title.
- Absolutely.
Me neither.
- Anything else you'd like to know? - Emmy's in physiotherapy.
- (as Emily ) How lovely! - Shall I tell her about Mr Chips? - Yes, why not.
- Emmy has a horse.
- Couldn't afford a car? - No, no, it's a hobby.
- A hobbyhorse! OK! I think you two are going to have a lot to talk about.
But right now, I think surgery beckons.
Where's your palace? How many counties do you own? You take care.
See you later.
Bye.
- Bye, Lady Emily.
Your Highness.
- Bye! - (Mac) Stop it! - What? Sorry to have left you all so abruptly.
Panic over.
I am now all yours once again.
Now then, where were we? The third upper metatarsal.
- In Oh.
- (chuckles ) Is something wrong, Doctor? - No, nothing at all.
- Are you gonna grant us three wishes? No.
You've got a star on the end of your pointer.
Yes.
Yes, so there is.
A little little Star of Bethlehem.
- Never mind.
Not to worry.
- That's really frustrating.
- You can't see what's being pointed at.
- Lighten up.
I think you'll find a sense of humour will help us overcome this problem.
I don't think you understand.
That's soldered on.
It's never gonna come off.
Yes, quite.
Remarkable - all achieved in apparently under five minutes.
Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal Agh! Piece of piss, this job.
(exaggerated Scottish accent) Have I got any meetings this afternoon? I said, have I got any meetings this afternoon? - ( door creaks ) - Oi! Peeper.
- What, me? - Yeah, you.
- Lurking and watching.
- I'm not lurking.
I'm moving about.
I'm in motion, in the hospital, just you know All right, well, seeing as you're here, I just bought a new bra and I think it makes my boobs look uneven.
- What do you think? - Well, erm Er maybe the right one is a tiny teenth higher than the left.
- So, Emilily.
- Emmy.
Emmy.
- Yeah, what about her? - No disrespect, but she is a bit posh.
Maybe she is.
But you know what? There's nothing wrong with being a bit posh.
I'm not saying there is.
I'm just thinking of my experience with posh girls at college.
Oh, yeah.
She doesn't march about a bit too much? You know, with quite big strides and swinging her arms? '"Rah, rah, rah!'" - For instance? - No, she doesn't do that.
Good.
Well? - Well? - Erm, rocks.
They're like Yeah, solid.
Absolutely - Great.
Cheers.
- (contented sigh ) Go on, then.
Go back to your moving around thing you do.
Er So she doesn't have a snorty laugh but no sense of humour? Or have unresolved sexual tensions with her father? Or a friend called Poppy who's an interior designer? And she doesn't covet an Aga? Or have an aunt who agreed with Hitler? Or have friends in Wiltshire? No, she hasn't.
She has not, and she doesn't.
And she - No.
No.
- Good.
- Fine.
- She sounds great.
Yes.
- Kimmy! Where are the F25s? - Hm? The F25s.
Erm top drawer.
- Get them myself, shall I? - Yeah.
- You all right? - Hm? - Are you all right? - Yeah.
Are you going to this auction thingy tonight? Er Probably.
- Got your eye on anyone in particular? - No.
Hm.
Well, thanks for the scintillating conversation.
(relieved sigh ) - What? - Lovely day.
- I thought it was cloudy and chilly.
- Yeah.
- (lift bell pings ) - On you go.
- Don't you want it? - No.
Just wanted to see you safely into the metal womb.
- I'll take the stairs.
- Sure? Can't tempt you? No.
And don't follow me.
Someone tied this bloody wire across the stairs.
That's really dangerous! - Ow! - Give me that.
- What was that for? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Thanks for the glasses, mate.
Oh, God, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac.
I know this is boring.
Bloody computer virus wiped off half your records.
So, still single, I see, and no one can understand it.
Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
A-ha.
God, I want you.
Not just sexually.
In every way.
I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep, run my hand over your back, and edge forward into regions, knowing that in my hand I could make you feel like no other could.
- Mobile phone number? - 07956 - Actually, I'm between - Thighs? - Networks.
- OK.
And, er Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
- House number? - 21.
That's it.
That's all we were missing.
All righty.
Well, you know, you're free to go.
- See you at the slave auction.
- Oh, yes.
(whispers ) I have an unlimited budget.
Psst! Martin! I'm in grave danger.
- From what? - The madness of Queen Sue.
She says she wants to reach into my regions and feel me in her mouth.
- No one ever says that to me.
- I want to be withdrawn from the auction.
You can't do that.
You're the star attraction.
Mate, I'm sorry.
I'll write a big cheque toward the fluoroscopy suite.
Fuck it! Fuck it, I'll buy the whole thing.
150 grand? Bargain! No, she's not here.
I know what's cheating and what isn't, cos I know the rules.
Hello.
I'd like a pint of Guinness, and two bitter lemons for the ladies.
The match is null and void.
and Mac is a cheat.
You won't have to put up with me much longer, unless you visit me in Sheffield.
- Sheffield? - In South Yorkshire.
- What's the point of Sheffield? - What's the point of Sheffield? It was an easily defended site, cos there was a river to the north and the east.
They built a castle.
Then there was a church, a market.
They made wool.
Then they became famous for cutlery.
Then came crucible steel and I know.
What's the point of you going to Sheffield? That's where my new job is.
I thought, '"That's where my new job is.
I should go there.
'" A lot of people work from home these days, but it's really hard for surgeons.
Did they sack you at last? They saw through the ginger bluff? - Can't say I'm surprised.
- No, I resigned.
Sheffield offered me a consultancy.
A consultant? Wow! - Congratulations.
- Yeah, well, I mean, Sheffield.
- When do you leave? - Next week.
- Couldn't they make it any sooner? - Guy! I know technically he's a good surgeon, so in that case he'll be missed, - but I'm sure we'll cope.
- He is your friend.
- He's a wanker.
- And I'm sure he'll miss you as well.
Nah, he's a wanker.
Jesus, here she comes.
Cover me.
Cover me.
- Has anyone seen Mac? - Yeah, he's in Sheffield apparently.
- Hello, I'm Josh's mum.
- Hi, I'm Robbie's mum.
Oh, right.
Wow.
- Mrs Schulenburg.
- Hello.
- Would you like to come through? - Yeah.
Sorry.
One, two.
One, two.
Slave auction.
Now Robbie.
Is there any history of mental illness in the family? No.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I think so.
You know about the penguin with the chain saw? Yes.
Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend.
Robbie twitches quite a lot facially, except when he's pretending to be dead, which can last for several hours in a day.
Yeah Yeah I imagine that's less disruptive.
He licks people's legs, and he's told us that you and his father don't bleed.
I It's best to nip it in the bud.
Are there any major problems at home? Erm he does like to eat bread straight from the freezer.
'"Bread lollies'", he calls them.
But we thought that was kind of sweet.
He can slip off your cover and tamper with your circuits.
- He's our - (women whooping) He's our very own '"it'" man, it's Lyndon Jones.
(women screaming) Certainly a popular lad.
We have £20 from the lady in pink.
30.
All right, 30.
And 70 from the lady in the spots.
OK, £70.
- (woman ) £100.
- £100 from the lady down here.
Thank you.
- 200! - £200 from the lady on my left.
Any advance on £200? - £500.
(Charles ) Well! We have £500 from Joanna Clore.
Any any advance on £500? Doesn't look like we're going to get anything else.
Sold to the Head of Human Resources, Joanna Clore! (cheering) If you'd just like to, erm collect your restaurant voucher on the way out.
And be gentle with him.
All right, now we have a new member of staff on offer.
It's none other than Dr Todd.
(cheering) All right.
Who's going to open the bidding for Dr Todd? - (woman ) £5.
- (Guy ) Oh, a snatch terrier! (giggling) You do know it's a woman? Don't let the manly features fool you.
Hang on! Wait! Wait! (panting) Three thousand pounds.
(audience gasps ) - 3,000? - It's a banker's draft.
Right.
Sold to the gentleman down here for £3,000.
(cheering) '"Love lift us up where we belong.
'" And here he's been making sentences using words beginning with S-M.
- I see.
- '"My mummy smokes.
'" - '"My mummy smacks me.
'" - I don't actually.
Oh, no, no.
It's just an exercise.
- No, we don't believe in smacking.
- Mm, I'm sure.
And, er this one actually is wrong, this one.
- '"My mummy's bottom smells.
'" - That one's obviously made up.
- Oh, yep, I'm sure it is.
- No, but you've given it a tick.
Yes.
Yes, well, that's because it is correct within the confines of the exercise.
I don't think you should have ticked it.
It looks like you're agreeing with the statement.
No, no, I wasn't in any way condoning the accusation.
Right.
Cos that's obviously just a crazy imagination running riot.
All right.
So, Lyndon, what fascinates you, hm? - Binary code.
- Does it? Yeah.
Yeah, it does me too - all those ones and zeros.
Indeed.
Hard little rods and tight little holes just waiting to meet up and make something very, very special.
You should teach.
You don't give much away, do you, Lyndie? You're like an iceberg.
- White? - No, no.
I never get to see more than one tenth of you.
So what are you, a Titanic? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm the Titanic, and you can rip into my hull and flood my front lower chambers.
(cackles ) Mac, I did it! I did it.
Caroline's going home to get ready.
No? Nice one.
Congratulations.
- Thanks.
I can't do it.
- What? - I'm not gonna be able to do it.
- Of course you can.
Let go.
- Course you can.
- I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I just Me and Caroline, we talk, blah, blah, blah - Just say those three things? - That was this morning.
- But I want to get onto the next level.
- OK.
Maybe she sees you as too much of a friend.
God, yes.
Have you tried being have you tried being nastier? - No.
- OK, well, look at Guy.
Complete bastard.
Doesn't stop him getting to the next level.
In fact, it seems to help.
- Like '"Treat 'em keen, keep 'em mean.
'" - Other way round, but yeah.
He's Swiss, he's Gay Secretan.
- (laughter) - Yeah, that's that's Guy Secretan.
Sorry.
He's gay Guy Secretan.
No, there's no '"gay'".
It's just Guy.
Right, yes.
He's plain old Guy Secretan.
That's right, girls.
So, who'll who'll start the bidding? Who'd like to try this fine figure of a man? - We've all tried him.
- (Kim ) He's easy.
- Slag! - This is shite! Can we just have Dr Macartney on now? I'm sorry, Dr Macartney has had to withdraw from the auction because his cat is ill.
(screeching) (sobbing) The old sick cat excuse comes out again.
Some people just can't stand the heat.
Right, erm Could we have your bids, please? - (Karen ) £4.
- Yeah, see, there we go.
- Ooh, yes, £10.
- No wrinklies, thank you.
- OK, 30 quid for donkey boy.
- Sold over there.
- There might be some other bids.
- I don't think so.
Eee-aw! Eee-aw! (cheering) - A bit of shadow boxing, OK? - Shadow boxing? Hit these babies.
Lay it on them.
Come on.
- Don't want to hurt you.
- Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Whoa! That's it.
Not too hard.
That's lovely.
Yes! It's the end of the evening.
You've been out.
Great time.
Be assertive.
Don't be so nice.
Assertive.
- I'll be Caroline.
- Right.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for a lovely meal.
What shall we do now? Erm right, well.
Let's go upstairs, get into bed, and have some blooming sex! - Sorry.
- Jesus fucking Christ! - I can be a bit dangerous.
- No, better.
Better.
- Right.
Yes, let's - OK.
Grr! Come on, let's have sex, you bitch! - Grr! - Yeah! (Charles ) Next up, we have a senior consultant.
Yes, it's your ever-popular Director of Radiology.
It's Dr Alan Statham! (ceremonial music on personal stereo ) (wolf-whistling) - Holy fuck! - (laughter) Sorry.
Well, I-I thought it was Alan Statham, but it appears we've got Russell Crowe instead.
Erm who's going to open the bids? - Do I hear £50? - I'll give you 50p.
No.
A man can't buy a man.
It's against the law.
What law is that, then? - J Julius Caesar's quad hominix lex.
- (laughter) Right.
OK, any advance on 50p? - 30p! - (laughter) - 30p.
- Stop it! That's enough.
Come along now.
The sword alone must be worth more than 30p.
(laughter) - Hi.
- Whatever.
- Oh, can I have some wine? - Get it yourself.
- What? - Get the bloody wine yourself.
Martin, is that you? Well, yeah! Of course it's me, fuzzhead! It's me - Caroline.
You've been to my house, remember? It's not your house, it's your brother's.
Bloody women! I'm not sure I like your tone tonight, Martin.
Fuck off! Naughty! You are so funny, Lyndon! I didn't say anything.
GSOH.
Good sense of humour.
Crucial.
(West Indian accent) Crucial.
(cackles ) Oh! Ole! Ãndale! Arriba! Now, you are my slave, and I can make you do anything I want you to.
- Within reason.
- Not necessarily.
(mumbles ) - For instance, pop this on.
- What? Go on, slave.
Pop that on.
Pop it on, pop it on, pop it on.
Ooh! Pretty good.
That's, erm Just suck your cheeks in.
- Why? - Just do it! - OK! - Pretend you've got cheekbones.
- Say, '"Hello, Sue.
'" - Hello, Sue.
(excited gasp ) '"I'm Dr Macartney.
'" - I'm Dr I'm not For God's sake! - Touch my bottom.
Touch! Touch! (hysterical giggling) - (Boyce clears throat) - Light the candle? - No, thank you.
- Yes, please.
Thank you.
- Who would like to taste the wine? - I would.
- Actually, that'll be me.
- I rather think, with my experience - I rather think - No, I rather think I bought you for 30p! Would you shh, speak in? (self-conscious cough ) Hello, Mac, it's Martin.
Well, on the whole, I'd say it's not really working.
- Taxi! - No, Mac.
Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac! No, she's not actually speaking to me any more.
( Spanish instrumental) Mmm! - No, I'm allergic to sour cream.
- You've got to.
Please.
- It's lovely, thanks.
- (speaking with mouth full) Right Oh, that is oh, that is brilliant! Thank you, Mac.
Thank you! I love you! In a manly man kind of a way.
Thank you.
- OK, yes.
Goodbye.
- Stop! (Boyce) Well, this is nice, isn't it? Civilised.
Two men alone.
So, any interest in football? No, me neither.
Erm - So, top ten favourite films.
- Joanna brought me here once.
To discuss hospital employment policy.
Surreptitiously, however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.
Let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? This is nice, isn't it? - Great.
- Nice showroom, isn't it? Not too not too busy for a Saturday.
- (pats sofa ) Like this one.
Shall we? - Yeah.
- Shall we? Shall we buy it? - Yes, let's buy it, darling.
- OK.
- I can see my puny body draped across it.
- Can you? - Yes.
I can see - I can see my ginger pubes - Oh, stop it.
- .
.
collecting in the cracks.
- Ooh, you can collect it in my crack.
Ooh, lovely.
Ooh, you lovely thing.
( Spanish instrumental) You are a wonderful dancer.
Thanks.
That was lovely.
Thanks.
This is super.
So, when Mac suggested this nightclub, did he know there was gonna be a hypnotist? Well, no.
Sorry about all that.
Because that's what I meant, is that we went for a drink, and there happened to be a cabaret there, and muggins here gets picked up picked on and pulled up on stage, and, hey presto, I'm turned into a complete bastard.
And so, bummer.
Sorry.
And the the trigger word is Exactly, yeah.
The word beginning with W, rhymes with '"nine'".
And Mac knew, to snap me out of it, he had to say '"milk'".
And that's why Hmm Good old Mac.
Yeah.
So I was thinking that that maybe it's time for you and me to get to know each other properly.
Good old Mac.
He'll be gone soon.
Yeah.
Yeah Anyway, coming back to the us getting to know each other properly thing - I love Mac.
- Hmm.
Right, well, I'd better get a cab.
- What, to mine? - Home.
- Mi casa es su casa! - No, thanks.
We've had a fantastic night.
We don't want to stop the fun now.
- It was for charity.
- Yeah, well, charity begins at home.
You are a very clever man.
No, you are a very clever man.
- No, you are a very clever, clever man.
- No, no, you are.
- You - Don't be stupid.
- I'm not stupid.
- I never said you were.
I think you did.
I think you said I was stupid.
You crazy bitch! - Interesting.
But put the breadstick down.
- Aah! Aah! There's no point beating about the bush, Lyndon.
I'm going to let you into a little secret.
- I find you immensely physically attractive.
- I'm sure you're just saying that to be kind.
Join with me and pleasure your physical body as well as your mind, you poor, poor lovely man! - I'd rather not.
- Why? Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! That's why.
- Me? - Yes.
Sorry, that's how it is.
Look, why don't we just go back and forget this ever happened? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, let's do that.
Right, well, bye.
I don't mind swallowing! - (French accent) Spaghetti carbonara? - I think That's me.
Thank you.
Oeuf à la coque et mouillettes? - Boiled egg and soldiers.
- That's me.
Thanks.
- Would you like some more wine? - Erm, I don't think No, piss off, you Spanish bastard! - He's French.
- I don't speak French, you stupid bitch! - Milk! Milk, milk - Is that two milks? Yes, thank you very much.
Thanks.
Phew! (sighs ) Right.
'"Day four week 25.
'" Younger older.
Older younger.
Siren hag.
(alarm clock ringing) (grunts ) - Erm - Just silence! - But, er - Get out! Get, get, get up! I can't.
Just get out of my inner sanctum, this minute! - Well, I've got no pants on.
- (panicked gasp ) - Closed? - Closed.
- Oh, you look lovely.
- Shh.
No, no! If if you (mumbles ) It's not!