Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e08 Episode Script

[Theme music.]
ALL: [Singing.]
We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! GREG: History is filled with fathers and sons who just can't get along.
Oedipus and Mr.
Oedipus.
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.
Son of Sam and Sam.
It makes you wonder if fathers and sons will always be destined to collide.
Jimmy.
My coffee.
Here.
Non-fat latte.
I ordered a mocha.
JlMMY: No, you didn't.
GlL: Yes, I did.
- Well, just drink it.
- I don't want it.
- Would you turn around? - Why? What is it? I wanna see what you've had up your butt the last three weeks, because it's got to be-- You know what's been up there? Your attitude.
That's what's up there.
When I order a mocha, I don't mean a latte.
I mean a mocha.
GlL: Understand? JlMMY: Yes.
GlL: Mocha.
JlMMY: Fine.
I'll get you a mocha.
You know what? Make it a cappuccino.
Hey, mall buddy.
That was pretty wild last night, wasn't it? - What was? - Running into you in the mall.
I mean, that's a huge mall.
What are the odds? Greg, did you hear? Dottie and I ran into each other at the mall.
Dottie, go ahead, tell Greg what happened last night.
We ran into each other at the mall.
The mall, you say.
Well, Dottie, you do weave a fascinating tale.
The part about the mall was especially riveting.
- Yeah, well, it's no big deal.
- No big deal? Get her.
Dottie and I are mall buddies.
I didn't know there was such a thing.
Greg, come check this out.
Don't tell Blah the mall story.
I want to tell him.
Check this out.
Researchers taught lab monkeys how to use money to buy food, treats, etc but what do you think they spent it on? I don't know.
Sex with the female monkeys.
[Both laughing.]
Chimps.
So like us.
Attention, your attention.
A little reminder, everyone.
My one-man show opens tonight, and the tickets are going fast.
Speaking of monkey whores.
Forgive me for being happy about something that will finally showcase my talents.
Something that will set me apart from kiddie TV's usual gaggle of hacks and has-beens.
No offense to two of you.
[Giggling.]
Mom? Mom, what are you doing? Jimmy, you remember Don.
I mean, Coach Dinkins, from your high school.
- Oh, my God.
- Bender.
My God.
Jimmy, I know this is a bit awkward but it's something we're all gonna have to get used to with the divorce.
What divorce? I thought you and Dad were just going through a trial separation.
- I tried it, and I liked it.
- I liked it, too.
- Does Dad know about him? - Yes.
We've been very up-front.
Look, he was supposed to tell you.
He didn't.
Why didn't you tell me? Sweetie, I'm just not very good at breaking bad news Iike, you know, when Grandma had a stroke.
- Grandma had a stroke? - Yes, just a teensy one.
But don't worry, she can still criticize me with her left side.
JlMMY: Oh, my God.
DlNKlNS: There, there.
- Are you okay, sweetie? - My arm hurts.
He's fine.
He's a tough kid.
Suck it up.
Coach Dinkins? - Jimmy, you poor bastard.
- I know.
- I can't even picture him having sex.
- Dude, that's my mom.
No.
Her, I can picture, but Dodgeball Dinkins? Remember? Go easy there, guys.
That's good hustle, Eckstein.
Come on, bunny.
Let's go, Bender.
You guys throw like a couple of girls.
All right, got you.
Timeout! I don't know about the rest of you, but I am sick and tired of this sadistic game.
Greg, don't do this.
Yes, I am small.
And yes, despite Coach Dinkins' encouragement that I throw like a girl I can't pose a reasonable threat to any of you.
Yes, I have some allergies.
Time in.
[Rock music.]
Man, I hated those big red balls.
Yeah, but the swelling went down after a couple of weeks.
WARREN: Tardy.
TARDY: Hi.
Listen, I need to fill some seats tonight.
How'd you like to come to my play? I like to play with Warren.
No, Tardy.
I will be in a play.
You understand? Performing.
I'm not supposed to eat the Legos.
God, it's like talking to Keanu Reeves.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Dottie, I was just telling the guys about what happened.
- What happened? - The whole mall thing, mall buddy.
Right, I'm your mall amigo.
"Mall amigo.
" That's good.
But seriously, it's "mall buddy.
" Look, I'll see you at the mall, okay? Okay.
- You and Jack, huh? - What? No.
I ran into him at the mall, and all morning it's been this crazy thing where he calls me his mall buddy.
I'd sure like to maul his buddy.
A girl has needs, you know.
- Here's your cappuccino, Dad.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Do you want some cream? - No, thanks.
- Do you want some sugar? - No, I'm good.
You want to tell me why Mom was tonguing my high-school gym teacher? Actually, I think I will have some sugar.
Gil, can we go? This guy looks mad, and I don't want a face full of stink juice.
I don't do it when I get mad.
I do it when I get scared.
- Could you both put a cork in it? - Why didn't you tell me? - I tried, son, but you know-- - Gil.
Must I stand directly behind his business end? Relax, Dracula.
I'm clenched.
Guys, give me a second, please.
You know, this skunk is a ticking time bomb.
Were you ever gonna tell me, or was that how I'm supposed to find out? Can we not talk about this now? You mean, as opposed to when we didn't talk about it before? Jimmy, wait a second.
- Jimmy.
- Gil.
Okay, here we go.
Let's roll them.
Roll cameras.
Smiles all around, everybody.
Ready? Hold on there a second.
My shoes are untied.
Sorry.
All right.
That's it.
Cut.
You know what? I am done.
I'm done.
You want to fool around? You want to dance? You want to play games? Well, listen up, people.
The discotheque is closed.
[Exclaiming in disgust.]
BLAH: My eye! SKUNK: Sorry.
You all right? My life is falling apart, but otherwise, I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
You know what you need? Come here.
GlL: What? BLAH: Hug me.
You know you want to.
Yeah, I wouldn't say I know that.
I'm not a huggy kind of guy.
[Sobbing.]
That's it.
- Excuse me, dear friends.
- Snookums.
Comforting each other is so very nice.
Tell me what is wrong.
I'm losing everything.
Sandy and I are getting a divorce.
You're kidding.
What happened? You know, she says I spend too much time in the office.
You know, I'm not affectionate enough.
I'm distant, I tap my fingers too much.
I'm cheap, I breathe funny, you know, I don't listen.
Who knows what she's saying half the time? I'm with her on the tapping.
And the worse part is I think I'm losing Jimmy, too.
[Gil sobbing.]
Come here.
That's it.
Let it out.
[Snookums farting.]
SNOOKUMS: Oh, boy.
Listen to me, Gilbert Bender.
It may be too late with your wife but there's not a son on this earth who wouldn't rather be close to his father.
- I'm not so sure about that.
- No, you can be sure.
BLAH: He loves you.
SNOOKUMS: [Farting.]
No, that's not right.
I'm a terrible father.
I haven't been there for Jimmy.
Go to him now.
Show him the love that is in his father's heart.
That is all that matters.
SNOOKUMS: [Farting.]
Holy Mother of God! - I feel better.
Thanks.
- Yeah, right behind you.
Snookums, how about a courtesy flush? SNOOKUMS: How about you show me a little courtesy and kill me? "Jimmy, take more pride in your work.
"Jimmy, don't be so lazy.
" How about, "Jimmy, I suck as a dad"? Come on.
You know, on Sanford and Son Redd Foxx called Lamont a big dummy all the time but they still managed to run a successful junkyard.
Speaking of garbage, Warren's play starts in about an hour.
We should eat these brownies, so they kick in just as it starts.
You know, he told me part of it was in French, so I think I'll have two.
Two? No way.
They're too strong.
You remember what happened the last time you had two.
I don't know if this'll work.
Dude, it's time travel.
How hard can it be? If I'm successful, I will go back to 1988 and stop them from making Back To The Future lll.
- lgnition! - Engaging thrusters.
[Screaming.]
[Fast-paced, upbeat instrumental music.]
God, I can't believe I'm okay.
[Exploding.]
[Greg shrieking.]
GREG: Jimmy.
Help.
You know, I don't remember any of that.
[Knocking on door.]
[Soft music playing.]
Dad.
Hey there, son.
What are you doing here? Something I should've done a long time ago.
What? Molest me? "Molest me.
" See, that's the kind of edgy, irreverent humor I've been missing out on all these years.
No, I just want to spend more time with you, that's all.
Now? Now, tomorrow, the next day.
Not the next day, because I've got gum surgery, but the day after that.
I don't know if this is the best time.
Jimmy, what's it going to take for us to make sense out of all this? - You want a brownie? - Sure, I'll have a brownie.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
It's good.
I'm starving.
Mr.
Bender, have two.
- Thanks, fellas.
- Sure, tuck in.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Laughing.]
See? This is great.
Father-Son night at the theater.
Just the two of us.
- Three.
- I love us.
- "Us" rocks, man.
- Yeah.
- Us's brownie just kicked in.
- What was your first clue? Whaassuup? Isn't that the commercial you kids love so much? Whaassuup? - Please make him stop.
- Please stop that.
You know, when someone says, "See you at the mall" call me crazy, but I expect to see them at the mall, especially a mall buddy.
What are you talking about? This afternoon I said, "See you at the mall.
" You said, "Okay.
" - I thought you were kidding.
- Kidding? I don't get the joke.
What's funny about, "See you at the mall"? - All I meant was, I think-- - No, here's a joke for you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Not Dottie, just Jack waiting for three hours outside the Disney store - looking like a pervert.
- This is crazy.
I just bumped into you.
It was nothing.
It was completely random.
I see lots of people at the mall all the time.
[Slow music playing.]
- What's happening? - It's the lights dimming.
GlL: Oh.
GlL: Cool.
Hi, Warren.
That's Warren.
Money man why do you steal my art Ieaving me naked and crucified? Whaassuup? Why is there so much wrong, and so little right? WARREN: Where have the saints gone marching tonight? What won't you do for the almighty buck? Is it just me, or does this thing suck? We long to find cable with the money man.
- We have to play miniature golf.
- What? When you were five, you wanted to play miniature golf on your birthday.
I was too busy to take you.
- lndoor voice.
- Yeah.
- He wants to play miniature golf.
- Yeah, so I heard, but Warren's play.
[Speaking in French.]
Let's go.
Come on.
All right, whoever it is making all that racket I am up here trying to share my soul.
- You stink.
- No, sir.
You stink.
All right? You're the one who stinks.
I've lost my place.
I'll tell you what.
I'll just start from the beginning.
[Audience sighing.]
What? [Adventurous instrumental music.]
Whaassuup? May I help you? We're a little lost and we're looking for a miniature golf place somewhere around here - because I'm going to play with my son.
- No, you're not.
They tore it down five years ago when they built this suckhole.
- Check it out! Moon pies! - No.
Jeez, this is horrible.
Dad, it's all right.
It's not all right, Jimmy, because I let you down.
I let you down again.
We have just got to find another miniature golf place, that's all.
Just forget it with the miniature golf.
It won't fix anything.
Fine.
Skeeball? Go-karts? - I'm not a kid.
- Hookers? Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do but playing skeeball or go-karts is not gonna get us close.
And did you just say "hookers"? I may have, but I wouldn't have followed through on it.
I don't know what to do.
How about explaining why you didn't tell me about you and Mom? I was working late hours at the studio.
- Dad, come on.
- I was embarrassed.
GlL: Okay? JlMMY: What? Dad? Why were you embarrassed? Your mother left me for a guy who wears knee socks and a whistle to work.
- You wear knee socks to work.
- Under my pants.
Are you gonna pay for that? Don't oppress me, man.
I'm talking to my son.
You okay? Yeah.
I don't know, Jimmy.
These things happen, okay? We're both adults.
Right.
We have to find a way of dealing with this as maturely and gracefully as two adults should.
You guys.
Who wants go throw eggs at Coach Dinkins' car? - Let's go.
- I do.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Greg giggling.]
GREG: What do you see? He drives a Corvette.
Perfect.
Your mother's midlife crisis is complete.
- What do we do? - What do you think? - Start chucking eggs at his car.
- No, screw the car.
Let's set off the alarm.
When the coach comes out, we start chucking eggs at him.
I'll be the alarm man.
Hold my eggs.
Go.
[Giggling.]
GREG: You'd better help him out.
JlMMY: Right.
Here I go.
Abort.
[Alarm blaring.]
[Greg laughing.]
There he is, guys.
[Alarm blaring continues.]
Wait for it.
Who throws like a girl now? Eat this.
Hello? Here's a big hello, doofus.
- Who's out there? - Your worst nightmare.
Your worst nightmare.
GlL: Yeah, take that, moron.
SANDY: What's going on? Gil? Yeah? Are you throwing eggs? Maybe.
Gil, come on.
You should work this thing out a different way, you know.
You don't call me Gil.
It's Mr.
Bender to you, mister, okay? So just stay out of it.
Yeah, you suckhole.
GREG: Yeah! Getting warmer.
I've never been more proud of you.
Jimmy! Oh no.
Why aren't you wearing a coat? It's cold out here.
I'm fine.
But if the coach is cold, maybe he should wear this.
GREG: Yeah, wear it.
Just be careful out here, boys.
If you want to talk this thing through, we'll be inside.
Yeah, go ahead.
Run away.
Like a girl! [All laughing.]
GREG: When you think about it, father-son relationships are a lot like omelets.
The more you put into them, the better they'll be.
Nobody likes them when they're cold and if you want to make a good one sometimes you've got to break a few eggs.
[Upbeat rock music.]