Guys With Kids (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Guys with kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Guess what I just got invited to.
My own son's first birthday party.
Sheila organized the whole thing without me.
She completely left me out of it, and she's forcing me to write a poem with, "no diaper humor.
" I'm sorry.
I just want to get this straight.
So you are going to recite a poem to a one-year-old at a birthday party thrown by your ex-wife and her serious boyfriend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Yes, and it's gonna be terrible.
She's having a string quartet and a pinata full of raisins.
Hey, look, man, do something to liven it up, all right? When Yoda had his first birthday party, we had a band play, and then Clarkie was born second, so we had the radio playing, and I think we completely forgot about you guys' first birthday party altogether.
Sorry.
I wish I could do something, but Sheila is so controlling.
She won't even let me make Ernie a cake.
My dad always made me a cake on my birthday.
Your dad still makes you a cake on your birthday.
I'm his little man.
You know what? You are divorced.
I think you should take advantage of that - Throw your own party.
- Hey! There you go.
You're absolutely right.
I-I'm free of her.
I can throw the party I want.
I can write the poem I want.
I don't have to write a poem.
Yeah! Life is how you live it ª Oo™ª Wake where you wanna be Hey,y - You and me - âOoh - We're hy - Oohey We need ouriends like tsun Everybody singin' Whyuld walk when you can run™ª Everybody singin' Why would yoalk n you can run? Chin nugget on the floor! I call these jumpe They try to get away, but, oh, no! What are you doing? - What? - That was on the floor! So? You're eating out of the sink.
Oh, my God.
I am! You and I are gross.
We eat our meals, and then we finish our kids' meals.
I sometimes eat goldfish from the bottom of the diaper bag.
You know, Gary, this is why we don't have any energy anymore Like those young, healthy people.
We can still jump like that, right? - Absolutely.
- Look, give me your hand.
- All right, ready? - Yes! I'm gonna go.
- Did you jump? - I thought I did.
Oh, we let those people down.
I can't even look my old self in the eye.
We need to detox and clean out our systems.
Does that mean we have to give up calzones? Yeah.
This just got real.
Okay, E-Vite's ready to go out.
- Done! - Wait.
You invited Sheila? Only because I know she can't make it this weekend.
She's antiquing with Kareem.
Oh.
I love that show.
I remember a time when you two got along.
I know.
I know.
It was so great.
You know, she was everything I ever wanted.
She was gorgeous and smart, and she challenged me.
The problem is she challenged me about everything all the time.
I'm allowed to like chocolate and vanilla the exact same.
They're my taste buds.
- Hey.
- Ernie! And Sheila.
Hey, Chris, what is this E-Vite I just got? Oh, I decided to throw my own party for Ernie this weekend.
I'll come to yours.
You come to mine.
But I'm out of town with Kareem this weekend.
Yes! No, I'm sorry.
I was just saying "yes" because you can't come.
Well, I guess if you want to throw an unofficial birthday party, that's fine.
- Why is mine unofficial? - It's not on his birthday.
But it's still a birthday party.
Yes, an unofficial birthday party, which is why I gave my blessing.
We're not married.
Don't need your blessing anymore.
All right, Sheila.
So just to be clear, we will not see you next weekend at Ernie's unofficial birthday party for which we have your blessing.
Yes, thank you for understanding.
She went to colgate, and she gets it.
- Bye, Ernie.
- And Sheila! Here we go.
All-kale diet.
Maybe all we need is a good night's sleep.
When's that gonna happen, huh? Because these two have sworn to kill us through exhaustion.
All right.
Hit it.
All right.
- That's not bad.
- Mm! - How many days? - Six.
Okay.
- We can do it.
- Mm.
We made it through that habitat for humanity vacation you planned.
We can make it through anything.
Hey, I thought we got to keep the house.
Who pays to build a house for somebody else? - Mommy, I'm full.
- Me too.
Okay, all right.
I got it.
Mmmm.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Blue for you.
There you go.
And booze for you.
A little more.
There you go.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, come here.
Oh, my, my.
Is Ernie having a good time? Oh, the greatest! Can't you tell? Hey, sweetie, what are you getting there, a unicorn? No! A skeleton with a snake coming out of its eye.
Oh, I am not gonna like any of your boyfriends, am I? So, Chris, did you make your cake? Yeah! Yeah, me and Ernie did it last night.
Look.
Huh? Actually, we made four.
This is the one that agreed to become a cake.
Hi! All right, you guys remember the rule? Don't bother you unless we're bleeding.
Okay, move out.
- Can I get you guys a beer? - Nope.
The only thing that goes inside our body is kale.
Day four, and never felt better.
That cake Doesn't even look good to me.
Baby, that cake doesn't look good to anybody.
All right, Ernie.
It's your special day, so I'm gonna let you try your first lollipop.
There you go.
Happy unofficial birthday, Ernie! Sheila, what are you doing here? Well, Kareem and I we had a change of plans, so So he dumped you? Well, apparently, if you want to date Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you have to check your opinions at the door.
So he really did dump you? I was just winging it there.
All right, I guessed it! It's for the best, because I should be here for Ernie.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, honey.
No, no, no.
Choking hazard.
Wow, she literally just took candy from a baby.
Who made this cake? Miss Havisham? It's great expectations.
It's Dickens.
Read a book.
So Sheila's here.
Yay! What'd you say? Oh, really? I mean, you got 45.
I nk you should stop, buddy.
Okay, one more card.
Chris, I'm glad I'm here, because I really don't want Ernie getting one of those tattoos.
Oh.
Okay.
Too late! No.
No, I don't I don't like this.
Why don't we just kick her out of here? I can't.
I don't want to ruin the party with one of our classic party-ruining fights.
Remember Ernie's christening? She threw my grandma's punch bowl against the wall.
I'm not saying that's what killed my grandma, but "punch bowl" were her last words.
Okay, we just need to contain her, right? We got to put somebody on full-time Sheila duty.
Uh, not it.
Kind of hitting the kale wall here.
One whiff of her coconut conditioner, I just might eat the hair off her head.
We'll do it fair and square.
Hey, Emily! Come here! Let's play "high card wins.
" - Oh, wins what? - The prize.
Okay.
Oh, I got an ace, suckas! What's my prize? You are on Sheila duty.
You got to stop her from ruining the party for Chris.
Damn it! Come on! - Love you.
- Nope! Hey, let's do this first baby to fall wins.
- Okay.
- Ready? - And - Yep! - Fall down.
- Oh! G.
J.
Won! My boy won! Kareem wasn't rejecting me.
He was rejecting the me I was with him, and I was just a reflection of who he was.
So, if you're smart, you realize he was just breaking up with himself.
Maybe it's the kale But, what? Hi.
I got a delivery here for Sheila.
Great.
Okay, could you bring this into the kitchen for me? What is this? Well, just because this is a fake party, it still needs a real cake.
Consider this my contribution.
Sheila, we don't need a cake.
I already baked one.
Oh, Chris.
Let's not get into what is and what isn't a cake.
Okay.
Uh, now, where's your cake plate? You know damn well you got both cake plates in the divorce.
- Um, uh, Gary? - Mm-hmm? Would you hold this? - Of course.
- Thank you.
I will be right back down.
The whole point of this party was for me to do it my way without her, and now she's ruining it.
You know what? I think I have an idea of how to get rid of Sheila.
She's only here because Kareem dumped her, right? Right.
So we could send Kareem a text from her phone apologizing for being so overbearing and asking him to come pick her up.
That could work.
She should also apologize for always telling me how handsome I look.
I got frosting on my finger.
Eat it.
Eat that frosting.
Get me off this kale train.
No.
I'm staying strong for the both of us.
Look, just two more days.
- Two more days? - Mm-hmm.
How many days is that? I don't know! Oh, God! What's happening to us? You know, the farther I get from my breakup with Kareem, the more I enjoy being alone, which is not the same as being lonely.
I mean, I have Ernie.
I have my work.
I feel like I have you guys now.
I'm Sheila, by the way.
We just need to get her phone.
Everybody knows what they're doing? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Gary, go.
That's a go on Gary.
Gary's a go.
Hmm.
- Hey, Sheila.
- Hi.
You know, that is a lovely purse you have there.
- Thank you, Gary.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I was thinking about getting Marny that exact same purse.
Uh, you mind if I try it on? You want to wear it? I do.
Oh, yeah.
Hold that for me, just by the stem Right there.
There you go.
There you go.
Oh.
Yeah.
It feels kind of good.
You know, let me swing.
All right.
All right.
Ah! Ah, it's cute, but I think I'm just gonna get her a ten-pack of t-shirts.
Okay, how is this for a text to Kareem? "Kareem, I am so sorry for my erratic and difficult behavior.
"I have been awful.
Please come get me right now.
"I have also been awful to Nick Thayer.
Please use your connections to get him courtside seats.
" Oh, my God.
Her phone's ringing.
Make it stop! No, no, no, it's Chris.
It's Chris.
Hey, Chris, I still have Sheila's phone.
Why do you have my phone? Uh We're trying to get you to leave the party.
Chris doesn't want you here.
The truth I would never have gone with that.
What? Chris doesn't want me at our son's birthday? Well, having you here is not easy for him.
I didn't realize that.
Um, so he's having a tough time seeing me.
Yeah, he's having a really tough time.
I get it.
He's lonely.
- Yeah! Why not? Sure.
- Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Well, I understand.
Dating just isn't working out for either of us.
He misses me.
Yeah, I wouldn't exactly If that's the case, I will leave after cake.
- That is definitely the case.
- That's exactly the case.
That's it.
Happy Birthday to you So Nick and Emily told me how you were feeling.
I'm sorry if me being here is difficult for you.
Thank you.
That's that's really understanding.
- Picture.
- Oh.
You could've just told me how you feel.
Really? 'Cause I-I-I didn't know how you'd react.
- I mean - Okay, get closer.
Here's how I'd react.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Lick his face.
Why the hell did you do that? Why did you do that? Why did you kiss me? 'Cause you miss us being together.
What could possibly make you think that? Nick told me.
Who wants ice cream? Sheila, I understand you must be confused coming off your breakup with Kareem.
No! No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
That kiss was just a joke.
That was that was a joke kiss.
Ha ha! You know? I got you.
So I'm gonna go.
And just to be clear, Chris, you don't want my cake? No, thanks.
Okay.
Great.
My grandmother's cake plate.
Jeez.
What's her problem? What are you doing in here? My purse is in Chris' apartment, and I don't really feel like going back in there.
All right, well, cool.
Oh, I have to be nice to it.
Do you want a napkin? 'Cause I, uh, have I wrote an idea on this for a movie starring tom Hanks, but it's, uh, not very good, so Yeah.
Thanks.
You know, I'm a very composed person, but my boyfriend dumps me, and I go crazy, and I kiss my ex-husband, and I think, "oh, maybe we'll get back together.
" I'm I'm all over the place.
I'm a mess.
Well, you're in the right room for it, so But you know what I really think I'm upset about? It's my child's first birthday.
It's a big deal.
It's a time for parents to look at each other and say, you know, "we made it.
" But Chris and I didn't.
We failed.
I failed.
I don't fail.
You know, you may have failed as a wife and, you know, in general as a human being, but but I have seen you with Ernie, and you have not failed as a mother.
At the end of the day, you are a loving, caring mom, and Ernie is a great kid because of that.
Thanks, Nick.
Yep.
Hey.
I thought I heard you in here.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hi, Kareem.
- What are you doing here? - I got your text.
I also changed your ringtone to mmmbop.
Sheila, if you're serious about being sorry, then so am I.
Oh.
Not today, Kareem! Well, I can tell you had fun, Ernie.
I can tell by the amount of cake in your nose.
Come here.
Sorry, buddy.
Hey, I just need to get my purse.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna kiss you.
It's okay.
Oh, look at him.
There's more cake than baby.
Hey, Chris.
Look, if you don't want to come to my party for Ernie, I understand.
No, no, of course I'm coming.
The thing is, there shouldn't be a "your party" and a "my party.
" He's gonna be our kid forever.
I mean, are we gonna have separate graduations and weddings? Even though we're not together, we're still a family.
Yeah.
No, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I should've included you.
Okay.
Um, I'm sorry for that too.
It's okay.
It's not a party till you break something that belonged to my grandmother.
Hey, Chris.
Sheila, we got to go.
I just came up with a great idea for a tom Hanks movie.
Bye, Kareem.
Grab it.
Grab it.
When did that get here? Chris dropped off half the wall cake to feed the boys.
Ooh, I'd love some wall cake.
No, no, no, baby.
No baby, baby.
Baby baby, it's 33 minutes to shake time.
You don't want to ruin your shake.
Gary, this has to stop.
I was just putting chap stick on my lips and ate the whole damn thing! You're right.
Who are we starving ourselves for, huh? So what, we don't have the same energy as those people in that wedding photo? Who the hell are they to judge us? Yes! Those jerks don't have four kids! No! You know what, baby? You are just as fun and beautiful as you were the day I married you.
- That was a good day.
- Mm-hmm.
I seem to remember you feeding me cake That day.
I seem to remember you feeding me cake That day.
- You bite my finger.
- Uh, baby!