Happily Divorced (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
Judi, be subtle, but there's a really cute guy behind us at 8 o'clock.
I think that he's checking you out.
No! I think he's checking you out.
Whoo! Whoo! Oh, was that great! Oh, God, oh, God, I think he's coming over.
Stay calm.
They can smell desperation.
Okay.
Hey, great concert, huh? Wow! Really! Killer! - Totally.
- I'm David.
Judi.
With an "I.
" Hi.
Fran, with a Fra.
- Nice to meet you ladies.
- Ditto! What do you do, Dave? I'm an entertainment attorney.
Wow! Judi's an entertainer.
Yeah, you should hear her sing.
She's amazing.
Oh, please.
I wouldn't call it ama-aa-zing Wow! Ha ha ha ha ha! And what do you do, Fran? Oh, actually, I have my own flower business.
Yeah.
So if you ever want to send me some flowers, she'll give 'em to you half-price.
But if you send them to me, they'll be free.
But if you come hear me sing, the drinks are free.
- I'm free nights.
- I'm free now.
You guys are cute.
I feel like I'm being rude to my friends, but I'd love to hang out sometime.
- You think maybe I could get your num - Here.
Here.
Oh, Judi! Well, so What's goin' on? Nothing.
I just wanted to come over and talk to you.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I was worried about this David situation, and I just wanted to make sure that nothing comes between us.
Oh, Judi! Nothing could ever come between us.
No matter who David calls, the other one will be happy for me.
Her! I mean her! Right? Of course, of course.
So we're good? - Yeah.
- Let's make a pact.
- No matter what happens.
- Friends forever.
Good.
Because David called me! Ow! Oh, I I I am so sorry! - Hey, Judi.
- Hey, Petey.
You know that guy that Fran and I met last night? He called me.
Isn't that great? I don't know, Fran.
Is it? Yes, Peter.
It's super-great.
You know what? I am so relieved.
I was really worried that you were hoping that he would call you.
I mean, what would I w Judi! I could not be happier than if it happened to me.
Oh! Ooh But it didn't.
So you're sure you're gonna be okay? I'm fine.
This is just so weird! I mean, this has never happened to me before, right? I mean, you're the one that the guy usually goes for.
Not this time, Judi.
You've got the guy.
Judi's got the guy.
Right? You know, I just cannot get over how weird it is! Isn't it weird? It's weird, Judi.
It's very weird.
It's a freakin' x-file.
You know, Fran, I'm very proud of you.
It was very big of you to invite them over.
Well, look at her, Peter.
I've never seen Judi this happy.
I'm glad I let her have him.
You know, this is really nice of you guys to do this.
It's our pleasure.
How 'bout next week we do my place in Beverly hills? Ooh! You hear that? He's committed to at least a week.
I'm sorry we're being rude.
I just can't keep my hands off her.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, that's okay.
Peter used to look at me the way he's looking at your arms now.
Well, we have dinner reservations, so we should get going.
- Thank you so much, baby.
- Oh, of course.
- David.
- Pete.
Great to meet you, bro.
Okay.
- Peace out.
- Yeah, later, alligator.
Oh, Judi, David is wonderful.
I hope you have a great time tonight, and I'll talk to you in the morning.
- Not too early, baby.
- Ah! - Good night.
- Good night, thank you.
Oh, hey, Jude, I forgot my phone.
Thanks, Fran.
This was really great.
Oh, anytime Later.
Oh, my God.
Peter, you would not believe what just happened! I know.
I chopped all morning.
No one touched my tapenade! Well, somebody sure touched mine! Peter! Judi's boyfriend just came on to me! - Fran - Peter! - Fran - Peter! Don't look at me that way.
I know when a guy is into me.
Fran Okay.
One time! Peter, he said that he had a lovely evening, and then he kissed me on the lips.
Look, he gave you a friendly kiss.
I kiss you on the lips all the time.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna have sex with you.
Peter, he kissed me the way you kissed me the night that we rented Wolverine.
Oh, my God! Right? How am I gonna tell Judi? Oh, well, I wouldn't do that.
She's just gonna think you're jealous.
Well, then you're gonna have to tell her.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have done my share of telling.
How many women do I have to crush in one year? - Oh, morning, Cesar.
- Good morning.
Oh, miss Judi called ten minutes ago.
She is coming over.
Oh, did she sound sad? Oh, I hope, I hope her boyfriend broke up with her.
Oh, meow! No, Cesar, hey boyfriend David made a pass at me last night, and I have to tell Judi.
Oh, no! No, you cannot tell miss Judi.
No.
That would break her heart.
Oh Good morning! Oh, good morning! I brought cappuccinos for us.
She is so sweet.
No one ever brings me coffee.
Oh, Cesar, I forgot to get you one.
Oh ho.
That's okay.
Go ahead and tell her.
Okay, Frannie, I think David might be the one.
I have never dated anybody like him before.
He's kind and romantic, and when I left my iPod out as a test, he didn't take it.
Oh, God, look at her.
She's so happy.
How am I gonna tell her? Stupid David had to kiss me.
Why do I have to be so damned irresistible? Oy, now she's a bride.
I have to tell her.
Just say it.
Say it.
Say it Say it! - Judi! - What? Last night, your boyfriend came on to me! Excuse me? It's killing me to tell you this, but last night when you were leaving, David made a pass at me.
Wow.
I know, sweetie.
I am so sorry.
You just couldn't stand it, could you? I mean, the one time that a guy picks me over you, you had to go try and ruin it by making up some story.
I'm not making this up, Judi.
Why would I do that? Because, Frannie, you try to beat me at everything! You remember in junior high school You've always been this way! You got boobs first.
You got a boyfriend first! Because I got boobs first! And remember in college? I liked Peter first! And who wound up with him? Well, you know what? You can still have him.
He's right here.
But trust me, Judi, you have got to break up with David.
You know what, Frannie? I think I gotta break up with you.
Judi, no! Oh, Peter Frannie, I'm sorry.
I heard the whole thing.
I just can't believe it.
So Judi was into me.
Cool.
Cesar, how long have you been watching? Since you felt pretty and witty and, well, you know the rest.
You know, Fran is looking for you.
Oh, Mr.
Peter.
You have got to get her and miss Judi to make up.
She's been trying to make me her girlfriend.
Tomorrow she wants to take me for a Brazilian blow out.
It sounds like fun, but I have a feeling it's not what I think it is.
Cesar! Cesar? Cesar? Oh.
- Peter, do you wanna come with me to - No.
- Well, you don't even know what I'm gonna - No.
Why? Frannie, I told you this would happen.
You just have to call Judi.
I have called her.
I've texted her, I've emailed her.
- I even bought cupcakes.
- She didn't like the cupcakes? Those were for me.
I was sad.
Look, you better do something, because let's face it You don't have a lot of girlfriends.
What are you talking about? I've got plenty of girlfriends to do fun stuff with.
Who? Who? Hey, girlfriend.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we'd get together today, do something fun.
Well, what time does daddy have to go to the eye doctor? Oh, I remember the first time you and Judi had a big fight.
It was at your 13th birthday party.
And you know how I got the two of you to make up? No, ma, how? Oh, crap.
I was hoping you'd remember.
Glen! The doctor prescribed these for your glaucoma.
These are not recreational brownies! Hey, I like what's goin' on there.
Oh, that's it, daddy.
I am taking this prescription home with me.
You're obviously not responsible enough to make your own decisions.
When you're 78, we can talk.
Ooh! Fritos! Hello, Dori! That's Marilyn from downstairs.
- Oh! - We're in the kitchen.
Hi, Marilyn! You're the daughter I never had.
Aw! I haven't seen you since the divorce.
But I have got someone for you.
She is so gorgeous.
No, Marilyn.
I'm straight.
It's my ex that's, you know Don't worry, so what? So you like boobies.
Marilyn, how many times do I have to tell you? The husband is gay.
Oh! They are still living together.
Oh So God willing, I'll still see some grandchildren.
Is this low fat? No.
I'm gettin' such a déjà vu.
The best pecan roll we ever had Together: Maury's bakery on casino boulevard.
Maury had the best nuts.
Salty.
We used to lick them for hours.
You know who would have loved Maury's nuts? Peter.
Both: Yeah Let me ask you something.
You girls have been friends since the old neighborhood.
How is it that you never fight? What are you talking about? We've had plenty of tiffs.
Like the time I lent your mother my beaded cocktail dress, and she spilled a little red wine all over it, and it never even occurred to her to have it cleaned.
But what was I gonna do? Lose a friend? Why would I have the dress cleaned when I told her she could keep the $87 that she never paid back so that she could replace the dress with a nicer quality one? - I paid you back.
- You did not! Please! I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was a Christmas holiday, and I walked over to your apartment and slipped the envelope through the mail slot in your door.
And yet, I never got it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I was 14 years old, and I was praying for tickets to Peaches and Herb.
One day I see $87 on the floor I thought it was a Hanukah miracle! So you're the reason that your mother and I didn't speak for ten years! You guys didn't speak for ten years? - She was stubborn! - She was stubborn! Glen, what are you looking for in there? I forgot.
just for you Thank you! That last song was dedicated to my boyfriend.
That's right, you heard me right, boys my boyfriend.
All right, now, where were we? You're actually saying that Atlanta beats New Jersey? Just this season.
But hands down, my pick is The Real Housewives of New York.
Yeah, yeah You know, I've got them all DVRed.
You wanna come watch 'em at my place? Oh, that's okay.
I've seen them all.
You haven't seen them at my place.
Well, how different are they gonna be? Oh.
Oh Hey, Petey.
Oh, hey, Jude.
You were fantastic.
Bye.
Who's this? This is I'm sorry.
What's your name again, sir? Uh, it's Marc.
And hi.
You were great.
Yeah, wasn't she? Bye.
Hey, well, just don't take him to the house, 'cause you know who will say that he came on to her.
Unless she's not there.
Is she there? Where is she? What's she doing? Not bothering me.
Come on, Judi, leave me alone.
This guy really wants me, and he's so far out of my league! Hi.
You still wanna go? - Peter! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna wait for you at the bar.
Oh, great, that's cool.
Just chill.
All right.
What? I can't go ten years without talking to Judi! Okay, here's what you do.
Don't wait ten years.
Talk to her now.
No, no.
She won't talk to me, sweetie, and I'm desperate.
Well, so am I.
Come on.
For once I'd like to leave this bar with someone other than you.
Oh, fine.
Don't help me.
You don't owe me anything.
Just because you told me that you're gay after 18 years of marriage.
- I'm all by myself - Hey, hey, hey.
- All right.
You want her to talk to you? - Yes.
Follow me to the bathroom.
Come on.
- Quick, quick, move, move.
- Okay.
when I kiss you my heart always skips a beat baby, come a little closer, let me give you a treat let me show you what it means to love all night trust me, baby I'll make it right oh Oh, um ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take a short break.
It seems somebody brought crack into the club.
Girl what are you doing? Your business is hanging out! Oh, my God! Why didn't anybody tell me? This is a gay bar.
Ain't nobody looking at your butt.
But nice move showing all your junk in the trunk and getting me to talk to you.
Oh, well, Judi, I would I would nev I mean, why would I even Well, it worked.
And you know why I knew that it would work? Because I know that my best girlfriend has my back.
Just like I have her back.
I know.
I know you did this because you love me.
And I appreciate it.
So let me ask you.
Could you maybe possibly have misinterpreted what happened with David? Okay.
We'll go with that.
Heh heh heh.
I love you.
I miss you so much, Judi Prudi.
Ooh, I miss you more.
Ooh! Let's catch up in my dressing room.
You got a dressing room now? Yeah.
Well, you know, I have to share.
With the mops and the Margarita mix? Look, I'm a team player.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God! Oh, hey, baby.
I was looking for you.
Where? Down her throat? I cannot believe I almost lost my best friend over you! She trusted you.
She believed in you.
And what do you go and do? You break her heart by waking her up in the middle of the night to say, "guess what, honey.
I'm gay.
" - Fran.
- Oh Oh It's not about you.
Jude, come on, I never said we were exclusive.
You are so lucky I have to sing another set or else you would be saying good-bye to yours.
You will never know what a great woman you have just lost yourself, mister.
- Come on, Frannie! - Yeah.
Oh, Judi, are you okay? Oh! I mean, I'm just standing here all miserable, and he's walking off all happy! No.
Not for long.
I know the chick he just walked away with.
His name is Henry.
Thank you, Peter! Oh, Judi, let me buy you a stiff one.
Peter? I got my own.
He's waiting for me at the bar.
He just left me for another man.
Welcome to my world, honey.
We are such losers! Now I want something salty.
Remember Maury's nuts? Oh! Oh, Peter, they were so great.
I wish we had some.
Please don't dangle Maury's nuts in front of my face unless you can deliver.