HarmonQuest (2016) s01e08 Episode Script
The Dragon's Temple
1 [gentle chime.]
- Spencer: Last time on - "HarmonQuest" I'm good at one thing, noticing that everyone hates me.
Look, let's just get through this.
We don't have to talk.
- We can work together - without being friends.
- Go I don't yes.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Fine.
I am Dildo Bogpelt.
I'm after the Heralds of the Manticore.
- Whoo! - Nice.
Both: So are we.
The cheetah came up to the turtle and said Turtle, why you move so slow? And the turtle says Because I don't have any power, and I don't have any friends.
- Are you saying - that friendship Is more important than speed, that we should stick together and use teamwork to get what we want? I think.
Congratulations! Now find your path, truly discovered heroes.
- Spencer: - In front of your very path Is a crumbling stone temple surrounded in trees.
This must be the Heralds' secret hideout.
Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Thank you for joining us for "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
With me as always, Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
He needs no introduction, Jeff Bryan Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
The real star of the show, - our Game Master, - Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
And rounding out our list of role players, our very good friend, Kumail Nanjiani.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
So, Kumail, what's your What's your history with role-playing? I'm big into fantasy.
Favorite genre.
I love "Lord Of The Rings," fantasy video games, but I haven't really done very much pen and paper for real in a room with no audience.
The way these things work, - is it's sort of like - an analog video game In that we're using Spencer's brain as a processor.
- He uses dice - to simulate random things.
He tells us what happens.
We tell him what we want to do.
He tells us if we succeed.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
- You find yourself - at the entrance Of the secret lair of the Heralds of the Manticore, a crumbling stone temple in the Doorest.
This is it.
- We know that inside - this crumbling stone temple Is an enemy that already has all the power he wanted.
We're we're we're dead.
If I die in there, will you remember me? I will make a beautiful sculpture out of your bones.
You see the entrance.
It's a heavy stone door.
It's shut.
I try to pick the lock to the door.
All right.
Working your thieves' tools you manage to click the lock open slightly.
Well, completely.
I seize the edges of the door, that I assume is large, and I pull it open.
You do that.
You reveal four doors, one in the left wall, one in the right wall, and two on the far wall ahead of you.
Between the two doors is a small stone button, and standing off to the side of that button is a kobold: A scrawny humanoid creature.
He's holding a little push broom and is sweeping up a pile of bones.
Dragon-man janitor [laughter.]
We're trying to defeat the people who own this.
Help.
Don't call me "dragon-man janitor.
" Sorry.
That's a bad start.
I'm so I'm so sorry.
I have no diplomacy.
- How would how would you - prefer to be named? Just call me my name.
What's your name? Eddie Lizzard.
Eddie, I am Fondue Zoobag from the village of, uh Of of We'll put it in later.
Earthscar.
And we need and we are here, I'll be honest, - because we've learned - the value of that, To destroy the Heralds of Manticore before they revive the Manticore.
- Is there gonna - be a beef here? - Obviously, technically, - there is a beef, 'Cause you're here to defeat the people I work for.
How much are your bosses paying you per week? 40 brilders.
Brilders? Yeah they pay me in They pay me in brilders.
- I hate to tell you this, - but I don't think - That's real currency.
- I think they're just - Yes it is.
- We have gold.
It's actual you can use Ahhh! Yeah, gold.
- You have gold? - Yeah.
I'll give you 70 gold to betray your employers.
Not even on a level of, like, help us slit their throats.
Just on, like, a Best Buy or Verizon level.
Just to phone in your job, you know? Honey, I've been phoning in my job for weeks.
Oh.
Now I get 70 golds? From me alone.
- But you have - to tell us where Is the where are the Heralds of Manticore? Which door are they through? The door on the left.
- I'll give you - an extra 20 gold - Uh-huh.
- If you open the door first - And go through it - in front of us.
Make it 30.
- No! - Make it 12.
- 30.
- 20.
- Give me 30 more.
- I Oh, yeah, you want to just go open it? Okay, how about this? How 'bout you get 100% of zero of my gold.
You have no gold? I have loads of gold! Give me give me 30 more gold and I'll open the door.
- How about this.
- I'll give you 25, And if it's all good on the other side, I'll give you an extra ten.
- Okay.
- So you gave me 70 already.
- You got 25 coming to you.
- Here you are, 25.
- Clink, there you are.
- Oh, goodness.
Mr.
Lizzard, can I give you an extra 15 to hear your story? - Yeah.
- As you're doing that? - Great, here.
- Click it.
I was born here.
[laughter.]
And I open the left door, walk right through.
- Come on, gang.
- All right.
- Okay.
- So now you owe me another - 15.
- Another 15.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
So that's 15 plus 20.
- That's 105.
- 105.
And then she gave me 15 for my story, so it's 120 gold.
- Where are you gonna - spend this? I hadn't thought of where I was gonna spend it.
I've never been outside this building, so - Okay.
- What's out there? - Huh? - What's out there? - There's trees.
- Yeah, trees.
All right, so I examine the whatever room we are now in through the left doorway.
You entered into a blue room.
It's egg-shaped, and in the middle of the room is a small pedestal bearing an ovaloid object of great majesty.
- Eddie Lizzard, - what is what is that object - Of great majesty - on the pedestal over there? - Give me more gold, - and I'll tell you - How to go get - the object of majesty.
The last time I gave you gold, you made me feel real stupid.
Have you ever, like, like you ever been Like, you ever had, like, sex before? What is that? I get your meaning.
Guys, give us ten minutes.
[laughter.]
I'll do it for the team.
Buer Buer and I, very discreetly justify an exit, and I go "Oh, I dropped my I dropped my keys in the foyer.
" - Yeah, the keys in the foyer.
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah yeah.
- You guys, uh - Stay safe.
- You guys continue Talking about sex.
I close the door behind us.
Shh.
[laughter.]
And I just pull down my orc pants.
I have been gay my whole half-orc life.
I didn't know until a couple of episodes ago.
Sex can happen between anyone out there.
Oh Yes! You said yes, so Okay, so I pull I pull down I pull down his kobold pants.
Ooh, what is this? Ohh, it's trying to get away No! [groans.]
[both groaning.]
[both groan.]
I don't know if that's how you're supposed to do what we just did.
I don't think there is any "supposed to.
" Except in here.
Out there everything is free, and that's the world we're defending.
So help us.
If we die, you'll never leave here.
Can I say something? You just gave me 70 gold to give me a handjob.
You really don't think I know what fucking sex is? Aww! Thank you.
- Guys, get back - in here please! - How'd it go? - How'd it go? - Hi, hi.
How are you? Hi.
- How'd it go? - Wait, why is - the idol still there? You didn't get the idol yet? All right, fuck it.
- And I march up - to the blue thing and I - Oh you're gonna - just do that? - Look, what do you what - do you know about the egg? - You're just gonna grab it? - Tell us about the egg.
Give me just ten gold more.
Ugh.
I gave you a handjob! I know, and it was great.
- Here's, uh - Here's ten gold more.
Okay, here.
You can just grab it.
You're a fuckface! Ahh! I grab the egg.
You grab the egg.
Ohhh-ohhh! All right, in that time, blades stab up out of the ground, dealing three damage.
Ahh! Oh, blades came out.
What a shocker.
Didn't see that coming a hundred times.
- You're the worst.
- Ow.
Eddie Lizzard, what is this egg good for? What do we do with this? How much gold do you have? I try cracking it like an egg Fondue! - Like, like, on the - On the corner of the It's far too hard, as hard as a dragon's scales.
[gasps.]
Oh, fuck! Whoa.
Ugh, okay.
Let's go to another room.
- I go pick the locks - of the right door.
You pick the lock, but as you enter with your thieves' tools, the door, it springs to life and leaps towards you.
Evasion.
What's your armor class? Uh, 20.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You evade it.
Yep.
- The door falls - flat on its face - As if it was - trying to crush you, But you nimbly dodge out of the way.
Nice.
Is this place just designed Yes.
I take the egg, and I walk over to the button, and I touch the egg to the button.
Pressing the egg to the button you hear the sizzling, burning sound of something sizzling and burning.
Acid sprays from the button, striking the egg's surface, but the egg does not falter.
Whoa, I see.
- You were supposed to touch - that with your hand.
- Wow.
- That's good.
- The door on - the middle-right, let's say, Slowly grinds its way open.
It's a diamond-shaped room, and on either side of the diamond, you see two large basins.
- Is there anything - inside the basins? I look inside the basins.
You look inside the basins, and inside each you also see a stone button on the floor.
On the far wall between the basins is a locked metal door.
- Hey guys, can I - kinda sorta hang out With you guys, like, follow you guys around? - My job really is - to just to stay outside, - And you're supposed - to adventure through, - But I'm kind of bored.
- Yeah.
- Well, we'd like you - to come with us - All right, cool.
- I'm just gonna hang out.
'Cause we're hoping you'll get tired of being an asshole.
I go over to the basin on the left.
I lay the egg in the on top of the button in the basin.
- You hear - the crackling of flames.
The other basin has been consumed by fire.
It's burning brightly.
Okay, I'm gonna take the egg from the left basin - and take it over - to the right basin - No! - And lay it in there.
As you take the egg off the basin, the button unpresses and the other basin stops being all fire-style.
Right.
So I take the egg over to the right basin, and I lay it in there.
This is about data gathering.
- Nothing happens.
- Okay.
All right, I stand in the other basin, on the button.
When those two things happen, the metal door slides open.
Nice work.
I hop out of the basin.
Let's proceed through the door.
You walk through the door.
It's a dark room, and the second you step in, you feel yourself slipping and sliding.
It seems the floor is made out of grease.
Whoa, whoa, ohh! Ohh! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! Buer and Fondue slip and slide down the greasy track and go - Ahh.
I wish you - Down deep into a hole.
I bet you wish you had some of this for that handjob or maybe he would like you more.
Each taking nine damage.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
Boneweevil is nimble on his feet and keeps his balance on the greasy surface.
Is there anything else in the room visible to me right now? You see a doorway ahead of you and also several small boxes.
- Okay, I - I run to the first one.
Ripping open the box, you find it to be full of gold, gold and plants.
Yes! More gold! How many is it? How many gold? - 400 gold pieces.
- Oh! So my haul today is 530 gold pieces and one handjob.
[laughter and applause.]
You said there was gold and plants in it? Oh yeah, - so many plants.
- What kind of - plants are these? - This is cool.
- What are these plants? Eddie, you recognize these plants.
Oh, I know these things.
They're They're a rare form of sage known as Master Sage.
I think this is - Master Sage.
Known for its properties in purging evil spirits and/or ghosts and/or entities.
- You guys know what - this is for, right? Yeah, it's for purging ghosts and evil entities.
- Everybody knows - what master sage is.
Yep.
Okay, great.
I'm a I'm a goblin.
I don't even read books.
- Can I Rage and use - my jumping ability To try to jump out of this grease hole? Yeah.
[singing gibberish.]
That's my Rage song.
Launching into a Rage, you bounce.
You bounce up and down in the chamber, and you bounce - to and fro Off of the far walls like Mario.
You leap out of the hole.
Haa! Acrobatics, eight.
Climb, five.
Escape artist, six.
Take your pick.
Yeah, well you take a pick.
Would you like to climb out of the hole, or jump, - or merely escape? - Climb.
I'm gonna climb.
- All right.
It's a greasy hole.
Yeah, it is greasy.
But I'm acrobatic.
Yep.
But you're climbing, though.
But I have a swim of five.
So if I'm climbing something greasy, I revert to a little bit of swimming.
[laughter.]
Attempting to swim up the hole, you land flat on your face.
What? Goddamn it.
Hey, did you try to swim up the walls of the hole? That's what it looked like you were doing.
I is there anything I can tie off rope to.
Like, is anything fixed in the room, Spencer, that I can tie off rope to? - Do you guys - want to borrow rope? Oh, you got rope? Yeah, you want to borrow rope? Be specific.
Yes Do you want some rope? Could I could I Would you toss me some rope? [laughs.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I give him actual rope.
I tie off actual rope - and I throw it - down the grease hole.
You do that.
- I feel like - this whole adventure Was written by Beavis and Butthead.
The rope, it's down there waiting.
Okay, thank you.
- Swim up the rope! - Nice.
I climb up the rope with my Climb of five.
With your Climb of five, you find it easy to climb up this rope, even with greased hands.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
We, we, we found We found some gold and some Master Sage for expelling evil spirits - and demons - and magic and stuff.
Did you find my dignity? Is there there's another door, right? - Oh yeah, - there's another door.
- You guys want to go - through that door? - Let's go through that door.
- Okay.
- All right.
- I open the door.
Let's go through.
Let's go through.
You enter a room.
The walls are sculpted with dragon-like symbols.
There's a massive skylight going 100, 200, more than that You don't even know how many hundred feet up in the air, a massive stone hole going straight to the sky.
Referring to the walls, I look at Eddie Lizzard and say, "Oh my God, it's your family tree.
" [laughter.]
I try to open the door.
- You open it.
- What's on the other side? A massive stone dome of a chamber.
A large statue of a dragon curled up on a stone throne dominates a large portion of the far wall.
Its head is staring directly at a silver pedestal in the middle of the room.
I speak to the statue.
Hey, I just want to let you know, I've met your son, and he you did a really good job.
He's a really great guy.
- I'm not a dragon.
- I know, you're Guys, this is so easy.
It's so easy, it's so easy.
The dragon's looking at the pedestal.
- I take the egg - to the pedestal.
"Nailed it, nailed it," - I'm saying as I put - it on the pedestal.
The dragon statue's eyes starts glowing.
Its stone mouth rumbles open and electricity crackles in its maw before firing a concentrated beam - of lightning - directly at the egg.
Sparks fly and magical energy envelops it, and you can see a blue wormling hatching, growing, growing, growing to a massive-size blue dragon.
It unleashes an earsplitting roar as it tests out its limbs.
- But you can feel - a dark presence.
Out of the pits rises a pitch black entity of evil.
It's the last of the abominations.
It shivers and screeches before plunging into the heart of the blue dragon, infusing it with darkness and evil.
Screech! You've done it now.
I go I take the Master Sage and I and I hold up the Master Sage and sprinkle it at the dragon.
You garnish the dragon with the Master Sage.
It sneezes and coughs as sage infiltrates its eye bits and its nose bits and even its tongue bits.
I start throwing all the Master Sage at it.
I give it the whole The whole kit and caboodle.
All right, it begins vomiting black ichor.
As it shutters and seizes, it spits and hacks, and it coughs, and it spits out the black abomination once more.
Nice.
Back to that.
Back to that.
Got it.
I take out New Friend, my short sword, and I I'm going for the abomination.
Your weapon strikes true on its newly-exposed, black abomination flesh.
It spits white ichor as it takes 22 damage.
- Hai! - Nice.
It lashes out and smacks at your face, but it does not it does It tries to smack at your face, but it's just, "Ugh.
" May I go? Bastard sword, the magical kind, and before I charge and attack it, - I just shoot him - a look and go This is your final chance to not be the world's biggest dick.
What what Swinging your oricalcum blade, you strike true, dealing a boosted 19 damage.
Wow.
[cheers and applause.]
That was my oricalcum blade.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Yeah? That That was pretty cool.
[laughter.]
You're both attacked by the bleeding abomination.
All right, it hits It hits Eddie Izzard Lizzard.
Ouch.
It bites you, dealing nine damage.
Fuck! I take my short bow, and I put some Master Sage around the tip of one of my short bow arrows, - and I fire it at - the black abomination.
Ooh, cool.
All right.
This one.
- Yeah.
- You strike it.
- Yeah! - The sage works its way Into its body and it violently shudders as if its body is completely rejecting the new organism entering it.
It dissolves into a pile of black ashes.
Huh.
[cheers and applause.]
The blue dragon The blue dragon, it gives you a thumbs up and slowly saunters out of the room before launching, with its wings, out the skylight of the previous room.
- We could've used - that dragon, I think.
- I mean it would have been nice - to be friends with a dragon.
The stone dragon rumbles to the side, - revealing - a large hemispherical, Ornate door made entirely of golden jewels.
Oh, snap.
Even the door is valuable.
Is there any kind of mechanism around the door? There's all sorts of mechanisms around the door, including the largest of which is a very strange keyhole.
All right guys, split up.
Find a strange key.
Okay.
Operation Key Find.
Don't you guys want to ask me something? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you have any keys? Do you have the key that fits this lock? I do.
All of 'em? - Yeah.
- Let's see it.
We're not giving you any more gold.
Really? Why? - Because you got 400 - from the other thing.
- Like, we could - take that from you.
What if you guys gave him a mega-handjob? All right.
What if we all give All right, yes.
If I get a handjob from all three of you at once, you will be able to go through that door.
Half-orc palm, initiate.
Goblin grip, go! Well, do it.
Barbarian not forgetting the balls.
[laughter.]
[all groaning.]
For some reason, I can't come.
Hold on.
Yeah, much better! [all groaning.]
He didn't even want you to tickle his balls! Something was really holding me back there, but we figured it out.
All right, guys.
- Give us the key.
- All right, well, - I can't give you the key, - but I'll use it.
And I want to say this has been great and I'm Is this is this the end? This is the end of us, and it's probably the end of you back there.
Through the door, what happens, it's always the same.
So it's kind of boring for me.
You guys get defeated.
You get killed, and it's just kind of monotonous.
So I'm gonna let you guys through and say, "I'm gonna miss you when you're dead.
" - Okay? - Okay.
I go over.
I insert all the keys.
And I turn, and I push the door open.
Bye.
I am sorry.
Are you sorry? You're great.
But will our heroes truly be able to stop the Heralds? Or will they be too late to halt the resurrection of the dark deity? - Will they meet up - with Vortheon - Or find themselves - face to face With the Great Manticore in the very next room? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Kumail Nanjianai, everybody.
Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
I am Dan Harmon.
Thank you for joining us.
Tune in, in the next chapter of our very soon-to-be culminated "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
- Spencer: Last time on - "HarmonQuest" I'm good at one thing, noticing that everyone hates me.
Look, let's just get through this.
We don't have to talk.
- We can work together - without being friends.
- Go I don't yes.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Fine.
I am Dildo Bogpelt.
I'm after the Heralds of the Manticore.
- Whoo! - Nice.
Both: So are we.
The cheetah came up to the turtle and said Turtle, why you move so slow? And the turtle says Because I don't have any power, and I don't have any friends.
- Are you saying - that friendship Is more important than speed, that we should stick together and use teamwork to get what we want? I think.
Congratulations! Now find your path, truly discovered heroes.
- Spencer: - In front of your very path Is a crumbling stone temple surrounded in trees.
This must be the Heralds' secret hideout.
Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Thank you for joining us for "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
With me as always, Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
He needs no introduction, Jeff Bryan Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
The real star of the show, - our Game Master, - Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
And rounding out our list of role players, our very good friend, Kumail Nanjiani.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
So, Kumail, what's your What's your history with role-playing? I'm big into fantasy.
Favorite genre.
I love "Lord Of The Rings," fantasy video games, but I haven't really done very much pen and paper for real in a room with no audience.
The way these things work, - is it's sort of like - an analog video game In that we're using Spencer's brain as a processor.
- He uses dice - to simulate random things.
He tells us what happens.
We tell him what we want to do.
He tells us if we succeed.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
- You find yourself - at the entrance Of the secret lair of the Heralds of the Manticore, a crumbling stone temple in the Doorest.
This is it.
- We know that inside - this crumbling stone temple Is an enemy that already has all the power he wanted.
We're we're we're dead.
If I die in there, will you remember me? I will make a beautiful sculpture out of your bones.
You see the entrance.
It's a heavy stone door.
It's shut.
I try to pick the lock to the door.
All right.
Working your thieves' tools you manage to click the lock open slightly.
Well, completely.
I seize the edges of the door, that I assume is large, and I pull it open.
You do that.
You reveal four doors, one in the left wall, one in the right wall, and two on the far wall ahead of you.
Between the two doors is a small stone button, and standing off to the side of that button is a kobold: A scrawny humanoid creature.
He's holding a little push broom and is sweeping up a pile of bones.
Dragon-man janitor [laughter.]
We're trying to defeat the people who own this.
Help.
Don't call me "dragon-man janitor.
" Sorry.
That's a bad start.
I'm so I'm so sorry.
I have no diplomacy.
- How would how would you - prefer to be named? Just call me my name.
What's your name? Eddie Lizzard.
Eddie, I am Fondue Zoobag from the village of, uh Of of We'll put it in later.
Earthscar.
And we need and we are here, I'll be honest, - because we've learned - the value of that, To destroy the Heralds of Manticore before they revive the Manticore.
- Is there gonna - be a beef here? - Obviously, technically, - there is a beef, 'Cause you're here to defeat the people I work for.
How much are your bosses paying you per week? 40 brilders.
Brilders? Yeah they pay me in They pay me in brilders.
- I hate to tell you this, - but I don't think - That's real currency.
- I think they're just - Yes it is.
- We have gold.
It's actual you can use Ahhh! Yeah, gold.
- You have gold? - Yeah.
I'll give you 70 gold to betray your employers.
Not even on a level of, like, help us slit their throats.
Just on, like, a Best Buy or Verizon level.
Just to phone in your job, you know? Honey, I've been phoning in my job for weeks.
Oh.
Now I get 70 golds? From me alone.
- But you have - to tell us where Is the where are the Heralds of Manticore? Which door are they through? The door on the left.
- I'll give you - an extra 20 gold - Uh-huh.
- If you open the door first - And go through it - in front of us.
Make it 30.
- No! - Make it 12.
- 30.
- 20.
- Give me 30 more.
- I Oh, yeah, you want to just go open it? Okay, how about this? How 'bout you get 100% of zero of my gold.
You have no gold? I have loads of gold! Give me give me 30 more gold and I'll open the door.
- How about this.
- I'll give you 25, And if it's all good on the other side, I'll give you an extra ten.
- Okay.
- So you gave me 70 already.
- You got 25 coming to you.
- Here you are, 25.
- Clink, there you are.
- Oh, goodness.
Mr.
Lizzard, can I give you an extra 15 to hear your story? - Yeah.
- As you're doing that? - Great, here.
- Click it.
I was born here.
[laughter.]
And I open the left door, walk right through.
- Come on, gang.
- All right.
- Okay.
- So now you owe me another - 15.
- Another 15.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
So that's 15 plus 20.
- That's 105.
- 105.
And then she gave me 15 for my story, so it's 120 gold.
- Where are you gonna - spend this? I hadn't thought of where I was gonna spend it.
I've never been outside this building, so - Okay.
- What's out there? - Huh? - What's out there? - There's trees.
- Yeah, trees.
All right, so I examine the whatever room we are now in through the left doorway.
You entered into a blue room.
It's egg-shaped, and in the middle of the room is a small pedestal bearing an ovaloid object of great majesty.
- Eddie Lizzard, - what is what is that object - Of great majesty - on the pedestal over there? - Give me more gold, - and I'll tell you - How to go get - the object of majesty.
The last time I gave you gold, you made me feel real stupid.
Have you ever, like, like you ever been Like, you ever had, like, sex before? What is that? I get your meaning.
Guys, give us ten minutes.
[laughter.]
I'll do it for the team.
Buer Buer and I, very discreetly justify an exit, and I go "Oh, I dropped my I dropped my keys in the foyer.
" - Yeah, the keys in the foyer.
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah yeah.
- You guys, uh - Stay safe.
- You guys continue Talking about sex.
I close the door behind us.
Shh.
[laughter.]
And I just pull down my orc pants.
I have been gay my whole half-orc life.
I didn't know until a couple of episodes ago.
Sex can happen between anyone out there.
Oh Yes! You said yes, so Okay, so I pull I pull down I pull down his kobold pants.
Ooh, what is this? Ohh, it's trying to get away No! [groans.]
[both groaning.]
[both groan.]
I don't know if that's how you're supposed to do what we just did.
I don't think there is any "supposed to.
" Except in here.
Out there everything is free, and that's the world we're defending.
So help us.
If we die, you'll never leave here.
Can I say something? You just gave me 70 gold to give me a handjob.
You really don't think I know what fucking sex is? Aww! Thank you.
- Guys, get back - in here please! - How'd it go? - How'd it go? - Hi, hi.
How are you? Hi.
- How'd it go? - Wait, why is - the idol still there? You didn't get the idol yet? All right, fuck it.
- And I march up - to the blue thing and I - Oh you're gonna - just do that? - Look, what do you what - do you know about the egg? - You're just gonna grab it? - Tell us about the egg.
Give me just ten gold more.
Ugh.
I gave you a handjob! I know, and it was great.
- Here's, uh - Here's ten gold more.
Okay, here.
You can just grab it.
You're a fuckface! Ahh! I grab the egg.
You grab the egg.
Ohhh-ohhh! All right, in that time, blades stab up out of the ground, dealing three damage.
Ahh! Oh, blades came out.
What a shocker.
Didn't see that coming a hundred times.
- You're the worst.
- Ow.
Eddie Lizzard, what is this egg good for? What do we do with this? How much gold do you have? I try cracking it like an egg Fondue! - Like, like, on the - On the corner of the It's far too hard, as hard as a dragon's scales.
[gasps.]
Oh, fuck! Whoa.
Ugh, okay.
Let's go to another room.
- I go pick the locks - of the right door.
You pick the lock, but as you enter with your thieves' tools, the door, it springs to life and leaps towards you.
Evasion.
What's your armor class? Uh, 20.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You evade it.
Yep.
- The door falls - flat on its face - As if it was - trying to crush you, But you nimbly dodge out of the way.
Nice.
Is this place just designed Yes.
I take the egg, and I walk over to the button, and I touch the egg to the button.
Pressing the egg to the button you hear the sizzling, burning sound of something sizzling and burning.
Acid sprays from the button, striking the egg's surface, but the egg does not falter.
Whoa, I see.
- You were supposed to touch - that with your hand.
- Wow.
- That's good.
- The door on - the middle-right, let's say, Slowly grinds its way open.
It's a diamond-shaped room, and on either side of the diamond, you see two large basins.
- Is there anything - inside the basins? I look inside the basins.
You look inside the basins, and inside each you also see a stone button on the floor.
On the far wall between the basins is a locked metal door.
- Hey guys, can I - kinda sorta hang out With you guys, like, follow you guys around? - My job really is - to just to stay outside, - And you're supposed - to adventure through, - But I'm kind of bored.
- Yeah.
- Well, we'd like you - to come with us - All right, cool.
- I'm just gonna hang out.
'Cause we're hoping you'll get tired of being an asshole.
I go over to the basin on the left.
I lay the egg in the on top of the button in the basin.
- You hear - the crackling of flames.
The other basin has been consumed by fire.
It's burning brightly.
Okay, I'm gonna take the egg from the left basin - and take it over - to the right basin - No! - And lay it in there.
As you take the egg off the basin, the button unpresses and the other basin stops being all fire-style.
Right.
So I take the egg over to the right basin, and I lay it in there.
This is about data gathering.
- Nothing happens.
- Okay.
All right, I stand in the other basin, on the button.
When those two things happen, the metal door slides open.
Nice work.
I hop out of the basin.
Let's proceed through the door.
You walk through the door.
It's a dark room, and the second you step in, you feel yourself slipping and sliding.
It seems the floor is made out of grease.
Whoa, whoa, ohh! Ohh! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! Buer and Fondue slip and slide down the greasy track and go - Ahh.
I wish you - Down deep into a hole.
I bet you wish you had some of this for that handjob or maybe he would like you more.
Each taking nine damage.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
Boneweevil is nimble on his feet and keeps his balance on the greasy surface.
Is there anything else in the room visible to me right now? You see a doorway ahead of you and also several small boxes.
- Okay, I - I run to the first one.
Ripping open the box, you find it to be full of gold, gold and plants.
Yes! More gold! How many is it? How many gold? - 400 gold pieces.
- Oh! So my haul today is 530 gold pieces and one handjob.
[laughter and applause.]
You said there was gold and plants in it? Oh yeah, - so many plants.
- What kind of - plants are these? - This is cool.
- What are these plants? Eddie, you recognize these plants.
Oh, I know these things.
They're They're a rare form of sage known as Master Sage.
I think this is - Master Sage.
Known for its properties in purging evil spirits and/or ghosts and/or entities.
- You guys know what - this is for, right? Yeah, it's for purging ghosts and evil entities.
- Everybody knows - what master sage is.
Yep.
Okay, great.
I'm a I'm a goblin.
I don't even read books.
- Can I Rage and use - my jumping ability To try to jump out of this grease hole? Yeah.
[singing gibberish.]
That's my Rage song.
Launching into a Rage, you bounce.
You bounce up and down in the chamber, and you bounce - to and fro Off of the far walls like Mario.
You leap out of the hole.
Haa! Acrobatics, eight.
Climb, five.
Escape artist, six.
Take your pick.
Yeah, well you take a pick.
Would you like to climb out of the hole, or jump, - or merely escape? - Climb.
I'm gonna climb.
- All right.
It's a greasy hole.
Yeah, it is greasy.
But I'm acrobatic.
Yep.
But you're climbing, though.
But I have a swim of five.
So if I'm climbing something greasy, I revert to a little bit of swimming.
[laughter.]
Attempting to swim up the hole, you land flat on your face.
What? Goddamn it.
Hey, did you try to swim up the walls of the hole? That's what it looked like you were doing.
I is there anything I can tie off rope to.
Like, is anything fixed in the room, Spencer, that I can tie off rope to? - Do you guys - want to borrow rope? Oh, you got rope? Yeah, you want to borrow rope? Be specific.
Yes Do you want some rope? Could I could I Would you toss me some rope? [laughs.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I give him actual rope.
I tie off actual rope - and I throw it - down the grease hole.
You do that.
- I feel like - this whole adventure Was written by Beavis and Butthead.
The rope, it's down there waiting.
Okay, thank you.
- Swim up the rope! - Nice.
I climb up the rope with my Climb of five.
With your Climb of five, you find it easy to climb up this rope, even with greased hands.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
We, we, we found We found some gold and some Master Sage for expelling evil spirits - and demons - and magic and stuff.
Did you find my dignity? Is there there's another door, right? - Oh yeah, - there's another door.
- You guys want to go - through that door? - Let's go through that door.
- Okay.
- All right.
- I open the door.
Let's go through.
Let's go through.
You enter a room.
The walls are sculpted with dragon-like symbols.
There's a massive skylight going 100, 200, more than that You don't even know how many hundred feet up in the air, a massive stone hole going straight to the sky.
Referring to the walls, I look at Eddie Lizzard and say, "Oh my God, it's your family tree.
" [laughter.]
I try to open the door.
- You open it.
- What's on the other side? A massive stone dome of a chamber.
A large statue of a dragon curled up on a stone throne dominates a large portion of the far wall.
Its head is staring directly at a silver pedestal in the middle of the room.
I speak to the statue.
Hey, I just want to let you know, I've met your son, and he you did a really good job.
He's a really great guy.
- I'm not a dragon.
- I know, you're Guys, this is so easy.
It's so easy, it's so easy.
The dragon's looking at the pedestal.
- I take the egg - to the pedestal.
"Nailed it, nailed it," - I'm saying as I put - it on the pedestal.
The dragon statue's eyes starts glowing.
Its stone mouth rumbles open and electricity crackles in its maw before firing a concentrated beam - of lightning - directly at the egg.
Sparks fly and magical energy envelops it, and you can see a blue wormling hatching, growing, growing, growing to a massive-size blue dragon.
It unleashes an earsplitting roar as it tests out its limbs.
- But you can feel - a dark presence.
Out of the pits rises a pitch black entity of evil.
It's the last of the abominations.
It shivers and screeches before plunging into the heart of the blue dragon, infusing it with darkness and evil.
Screech! You've done it now.
I go I take the Master Sage and I and I hold up the Master Sage and sprinkle it at the dragon.
You garnish the dragon with the Master Sage.
It sneezes and coughs as sage infiltrates its eye bits and its nose bits and even its tongue bits.
I start throwing all the Master Sage at it.
I give it the whole The whole kit and caboodle.
All right, it begins vomiting black ichor.
As it shutters and seizes, it spits and hacks, and it coughs, and it spits out the black abomination once more.
Nice.
Back to that.
Back to that.
Got it.
I take out New Friend, my short sword, and I I'm going for the abomination.
Your weapon strikes true on its newly-exposed, black abomination flesh.
It spits white ichor as it takes 22 damage.
- Hai! - Nice.
It lashes out and smacks at your face, but it does not it does It tries to smack at your face, but it's just, "Ugh.
" May I go? Bastard sword, the magical kind, and before I charge and attack it, - I just shoot him - a look and go This is your final chance to not be the world's biggest dick.
What what Swinging your oricalcum blade, you strike true, dealing a boosted 19 damage.
Wow.
[cheers and applause.]
That was my oricalcum blade.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Yeah? That That was pretty cool.
[laughter.]
You're both attacked by the bleeding abomination.
All right, it hits It hits Eddie Izzard Lizzard.
Ouch.
It bites you, dealing nine damage.
Fuck! I take my short bow, and I put some Master Sage around the tip of one of my short bow arrows, - and I fire it at - the black abomination.
Ooh, cool.
All right.
This one.
- Yeah.
- You strike it.
- Yeah! - The sage works its way Into its body and it violently shudders as if its body is completely rejecting the new organism entering it.
It dissolves into a pile of black ashes.
Huh.
[cheers and applause.]
The blue dragon The blue dragon, it gives you a thumbs up and slowly saunters out of the room before launching, with its wings, out the skylight of the previous room.
- We could've used - that dragon, I think.
- I mean it would have been nice - to be friends with a dragon.
The stone dragon rumbles to the side, - revealing - a large hemispherical, Ornate door made entirely of golden jewels.
Oh, snap.
Even the door is valuable.
Is there any kind of mechanism around the door? There's all sorts of mechanisms around the door, including the largest of which is a very strange keyhole.
All right guys, split up.
Find a strange key.
Okay.
Operation Key Find.
Don't you guys want to ask me something? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you have any keys? Do you have the key that fits this lock? I do.
All of 'em? - Yeah.
- Let's see it.
We're not giving you any more gold.
Really? Why? - Because you got 400 - from the other thing.
- Like, we could - take that from you.
What if you guys gave him a mega-handjob? All right.
What if we all give All right, yes.
If I get a handjob from all three of you at once, you will be able to go through that door.
Half-orc palm, initiate.
Goblin grip, go! Well, do it.
Barbarian not forgetting the balls.
[laughter.]
[all groaning.]
For some reason, I can't come.
Hold on.
Yeah, much better! [all groaning.]
He didn't even want you to tickle his balls! Something was really holding me back there, but we figured it out.
All right, guys.
- Give us the key.
- All right, well, - I can't give you the key, - but I'll use it.
And I want to say this has been great and I'm Is this is this the end? This is the end of us, and it's probably the end of you back there.
Through the door, what happens, it's always the same.
So it's kind of boring for me.
You guys get defeated.
You get killed, and it's just kind of monotonous.
So I'm gonna let you guys through and say, "I'm gonna miss you when you're dead.
" - Okay? - Okay.
I go over.
I insert all the keys.
And I turn, and I push the door open.
Bye.
I am sorry.
Are you sorry? You're great.
But will our heroes truly be able to stop the Heralds? Or will they be too late to halt the resurrection of the dark deity? - Will they meet up - with Vortheon - Or find themselves - face to face With the Great Manticore in the very next room? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Kumail Nanjianai, everybody.
Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
I am Dan Harmon.
Thank you for joining us.
Tune in, in the next chapter of our very soon-to-be culminated "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]