Heathers (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Could you imagine dying like that? Choking on fumes in your car? - What a waste.
- And with gas as expensive as it is.
- You know, that's true.
- Yeah.
It was $3 the other day when I was [CLEARS THROAT.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
My name is Ms.
Margie Kane from the State Board of Education.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Heather McNamara, dead.
Ram Sweeney, dead.
Mr.
Waters, dead.
Heather Chandler, almost dead.
Betty Finn, assaulted.
Lizzy Jackson brought a gun to school.
Heather Duke, another gun in school.
That was a prop.
Suicide.
Murder.
Assault.
Pedophilia.
Tomorrow you have your annual school shooter drill.
But that's not enough.
- Westerburg High is under siege.
- That's right.
And we at the State Board of Education have the solution.
Oh.
The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
Starting today, all teachers in Westerburg High will be required to pack heat.
Guns? In school? I miss Tampa.
The fact that we are even entertaining what is the most asinine idea I've ever heard just proves how far our nation has strayed from love.
Violence must not be met with violence.
Violence must be met with love.
Mahatma Gandhi.
Mahatma Gandhi, also dead.
Now, carrying a firearm, Ms.
Fleming, is not a suggestion.
It is a requirement.
All teachers will be required to keep a loaded firearm in their desk drawers at all times.
- I'm sorry, loaded? - Loaded.
- In our desks? - Drawers.
This is truly insane.
You know, I have to agree with Pauline.
- I'm sorry, a gun in my desk? - Yeah.
What am I gonna do with my pencils? Oh, uh, I have an idea.
You can put your pencils in a mug.
- A mug? - [GASPS.]
What kind of trash do you think I am? Mandatory firearm training begins this afternoon.
Be there or we'll be glad to accept your resignation.
Your choice.
And remember.
You're teachers.
It is your job to protect those kids.
And the best way to do that is to be ready, willing, and able to take them down.
[GUNFIRE.]
[GUNFIRE.]
You know, to be honest, I thought this was a terrible idea.
But I'm actually having a really great time.
[GUNSHOT.]
[SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC.]
I hate to say, "I told you so," but It is what it is.
[INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
Oh! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- - "Still standing.
" I swear, if you spring one of those elaborate promposals on me, I'll kill you myself.
Mm, you'd have to put me back in the crazy bin to get me to buy into that humanitarian crisis.
Wait, you don't actually wanna go, do you? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
No, I mean, I just It would be, like, the last thing other people would expect.
You wanna go to prom.
[SCOFFS.]
No, I don't.
But if I were to ask you? I was thinking that we could go, like Like as a joke.
Veronica.
Prom is slavery.
This is one of the many steps on our path towards becoming grist for the mill of corporations.
I mean, dresses? Flowers? Promposals? They're training us to breed like rats.
Because as soon as we have kids that rely on us, they've got us trapped.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
But slavery only works if the slave has something to lose.
And I, my dear, don't ever intend to have anything to lose.
God, it's just prom, JD.
[BELL RINGS.]
Veronica? Last night? We need to talk.
Heather, what is wrong? She knows.
Heather.
- Heather knows.
- She knows what? What are you talking about? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, purse turds.
I can't believe they make us do this stupid active shooter drill every year.
Last year you got to go to Heaven.
If you survive, you have to go to the Thoughts and Prayers room.
The snacks are way better in Heaven.
What kind of snacks do they have? Well, they literally have, like, a cotton candy machine, popcorn, chips, everything delicious.
You can eat any of them.
You could starve yourself before, if you want.
I'm not gonna starve myself.
I'll just not eat it.
I gained, like, 10 pounds last night.
[PA SYSTEM WAILS.]
Students and faculty, in a few moments, we will be starting our annual active shooter drill.
The school is now on lockdown.
Please head directly to the nearest classroom and lock the door.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! At the conclusion of this announcement, the shooter will begin to go from classroom to classroom.
Thank you for your cooperation, and good luck.
An active shooter is now in the building.
I repeat, an active shooter is now in the building.
Mr.
Dennis to the office.
Your mother is on line one.
[GUNFIRE.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
When is he gonna kill us? I am so bored.
Who here is a Christian? If we say yes, do we get killed? Yes, 'cause I'm an active shooter, and I hate God.
Bang, bang.
You're dead, bang.
[LAUGHS.]
The rest of you survived.
Now that I have you hostage, what will you do next, teens? Uh, call the police? Oh, great idea.
But guess what? A smart active shooter would have blocked off Old School House Road so that the Sherwood police would have to go all the way around to New School House Road.
God forbid he figure out all the hiding spots in Westerburg that no one else knows about.
[LAUGHS.]
He could hide in the air conditioning duct in B Hall.
Oh, he could hide in that janitor's closet that the city condemned.
He could hide in that senior smoking lounge that's been bricked over for years.
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
Hmm? Now, Coach Cox will usher you to your next room.
Don't be a hero.
Okay, survivors.
Follow me.
[GUNFIRE.]
Bleach your hair, Heather.
Change your name.
Buy a plane ticket to Mexico, but, like, the dusty part.
'Cause your life is over.
Heather Hmm.
This will ruin me.
You should have thought of that.
You both should have.
No, Heather, come on.
You do not have to do this.
Heather was just an innocent bystander.
Veronica, just because Heather was a child actor doesn't mean she shouldn't be held accountable for her hate crimes.
Wait, what are you talking about? Okay.
Don't judge me.
I was a child.
Checkmate.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
Now I can focus on what really matters.
Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.
Conversion therapy.
It just works.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, my God.
This this video is what was supposed to ruin Heather's life? Veronica.
She's literally advocating for the torture of the queer community.
Veronica, do something.
No, about what? Some stupid commercial you made when you were a kid? I mean honestly, Heather, there are more important things to obsess over than yourself.
Like, if you haven't noticed, shit is really messed up here at Westerburg.
Like, the theme of our prom this year is Still Standing.
The world is just going to hell, and nobody seems to care.
Like, our parents don't care.
Our teachers do not care.
And worst of all and worst of all, we don't even care.
So, honestly, let's just try to make it out alive and then go our separate ways.
BOTH: Calm down.
- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Jinx much? [LAUGHING.]
- You know what, Heather? - What's that, Heather? Veronica's little seizure just now made me realize something.
Oh, I didn't even make it through the end.
- What'd she say? - Oh, it truly doesn't matter.
The point is, even though you've literally tried to destroy me - in every imaginable way - And you me.
Okay.
Okay? We're friends.
- Aww.
- Oh, my God.
That's your big epiphany? You are both so fucking shallow.
Like, you told me that your life was going to be ruined because of something that happened last night.
Now, I thought that you remembered that Excuse me? Wait.
Last night Wait.
Veronica, I need a grilled cheese! [GRUNTS.]
[BODY THUDS.]
Hey, freaks.
I just remembered something.
Something horrifying.
Something huge.
Oh, it's all coming back to me.
- Oh.
- Heather Last night, Veronica brought her boyfriend To a girls' night! Oh, my God.
[GASPS.]
[GUNFIRE.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Coach Cox, what if you're, uh, not in a classroom when an active shooter attacks? Try to make your way to the cafeteria.
All right, no one knows this, but there's a boiler room under it.
You can all hide in there too.
And the guns, um, every teacher has one in their desk, - right? - Yes.
And if you find yourself in a classroom without a teacher, by all means, grab that gun and fire away.
Of course, none of you all are the type to shoot up a school.
They tend to be white men, usually from middle to upper middle class families, socially isolated, angry, - usually pretty intelligent.
- Hmm.
I have a question, Coach.
I get why you guys are doing this school shooter drill and all, but, like, wouldn't common sense sort of dictate that, like, such a drill would actually be showing a potential perpetrator exactly how to shoot up a school? You're high.
Guys, let's go.
One of your classmates is trying to kill you.
Let's get a look at that boiler room.
Gonna see how a sick, twisted killer is made.
[BEEPING.]
Follow me.
Okay.
You.
Yeah, you.
Come on up, big guy.
Oh, gosh.
Okay, how many of you know this guy's name? Really? Come - Kyle.
- I wanna say Darmend? You It's Dylen.
Dylen Lutz.
Right.
Now.
Dylen looks totally nonthreatening, right? I mean, nine out of ten times you'd walk right past him without even noticing him.
Those can be the most dangerous type.
Now, look at this.
Put these on.
[EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
Go ahead, point the gun to somebody.
- Uh, I don't - No, no, no, you can do it.
Don't be bashful.
Okay.
Um Dylen's here.
Bitch.
What do you think of Dylen now? Great.
Thank you, Dylen.
Is it just me, or is Dylen Lutz, like, really hot? - Ow.
- Okay, guys, focus up.
- Okay.
- Now, what did we learn here? Huh? Just because someone looks cool as hell All right, like a modern-day James Dean or something and just seems smarter and more evolved than any student you've ever met doesn't mean they won't rain death upon us all.
Yes? Do you think, in a society that, like, values fame above all else that, like, treating these students like misunderstood masterminds provides a blueprint for lost kids to feel, like, important? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
God, you are such a lesbo.
[LAUGHTER.]
Just follow me.
I was having a perfectly nice blackout until JD showed up for no reason.
[GASPS.]
I mean, that that's what you remember? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, no.
Um, no, JD was just in the area, and he wanted to stop by.
So what? So what? So you can't go one single night without your domestic terrorist boyfriend.
Once again, you ditch us for a guy.
Oh, my God.
I have not ditched you guys.
- Yes, you have, Veronica.
- Mm-hmm.
God! This was our senior year.
We had plans.
We were supposed to get matching tattoos.
And finally take you to a salon.
You know what I think, Heather? What's that, Heather? I'm just gonna say it.
- I think Veronica's a BFF.
- [GASPS.]
That's bad female friend.
She dropped us at the first sign of boner smoke.
And even after JD assaulted me, she still can't pry "The Anarchist's Cookbook" out of her trank.
- Heather, she's toxic.
- She's dickmatized.
She's the reason we keep failing the Bechdel test.
You know, come to think of it, Heather, we never fought until Veronica picked up that parasite.
I know.
You would never hit me - with a car before.
- I know.
- You know what I think? - Oh, here we go.
Veronica Sawyer has found her voice.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I think that you are jealous, Heather.
And who am I supposed to be jealous of, Veronica? You? [SCOFFS.]
Oh, I'm right, aren't I? You're jealous because you couldn't get a boyfriend even if you tried.
Oh.
I can have anyone I want at Westerburg.
Well, then, why don't you? Because I choose not to.
Huh.
Oh.
Is that it, Heather? Because every time one of your friends starts dating someone, you always try to sabotage it.
Like, remember Kurt, the guy Heather's dating? - Who? - No, wait, I'm sorry.
Was dating, because you made Heather dump him.
- Oh, yeah.
- I was helping you, Heather.
Kurt was a total 401K.
He's not that bad, Heather.
Kurt has a favorite commercial, Heather.
Oh, my God.
You guys are both so obsessed with what other people think of you that you wouldn't even be able to, like, imagine what it's like to actually be with someone.
Like, to adjust your own wants and needs to match those of a person that-that you love and that you care about, so that you can you can challenge each other to be better, stronger versions of yourselves.
Maybe I'll just read about it, then.
Oh.
She got your journal, bitch.
We've seen an active shooter.
We've seen how a killer gets made.
And now let's see how she could have stopped it.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Teens.
So often in times of tragedy, we find ourselves saying, "I just wish there's something I could have done.
" [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Well, maybe there was.
Childhood.
Mommy, is dinner ready? I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm late for the night shift.
You've worked every night this week.
None of my friends' moms have jobs.
I wish I had a home-cooked meal.
I'm just doing the best I can since your father left us.
Freeze! Working when she should have been at home raising her children.
She could have stopped it.
- - Hey, cool guy.
I heard you were tutoring.
I need some help with my anatomy test.
- Oh! - How much do you charge? A boy's sexual advances can drive him to rage.
- Hands off, creep.
- See what I mean? - - [LAUGHS.]
She could have stopped it.
- Hey, that's inappropriate! - She could have stopped it.
You know, another thing about men.
- Hey! - They should be castrated! - Okay.
- She could have stopped it.
[RAPHAEL LAKE'S "SET ME FREE".]
So sensual, sensual, sensual - - So sensual, sensual, sensual Pretty blue eyes, Hollywood smile I can't believe I didn't get killed this year.
I hate this.
In Heaven I bet they don't assume everyone eats peanut butter with sugar in it.
I mean, I don't get why somebody who wanted to kill people wouldn't just wait until everybody - was together, right? - I mean, yeah.
You'd save yourself a lot of running around if you waited for an assembly or something.
Or prom.
Whoa.
Can you imagine? That would be so gnarly.
Like, blood and corsages everywhere.
[LAUGHTER.]
"I was never that kind of girl who was into fairy tales.
" God, internalized misogyny, of course.
Nothing about me, boring.
Nothing about me.
Boring.
Nothing about me.
Boring! Ooh, Heather, listen to this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Heather Duke asked me to double with her "and Kurt tonight, and honestly, "I think I might do it, even though "the very thought of it makes me feel like I'm getting a triple root canal.
" - Oh, God.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Listen to this.
"Heather Chandler told me "that in order to be irreplaceable, "one must always be different.
"I told her that's a Coco Chanel quote, "and then she told me to stop being such a basic cable bitch.
" God, Veronica.
Of course your journal's just full of quotes by me.
- Plagiarist.
- She's obsessed with us.
Of course she is, Heather.
We're the only thing that makes her interesting.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Um, Heather? Yes, Heather? "I couldn't take it anymore.
"I swung my mallet into her temple, "and I heard her head crack open.
"It was a moment before the blood started from the part in her hair.
" Veronica, you're the Croquet Killer? Oh, my God.
She even saved a lock of her hair.
This is shocking.
I know.
Lucy was rich.
Why would she have split ends? - [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
- Veronica Sawyer.
Who knew all this time you were scribbling in your little diary, you were confessing to murder? And you just, like, carried around the murder evidence at school? You dumb-ass.
All this time, you've acted so innocent, but in reality, you're a full-blown psycho.
- Maybe I am.
- You're not gonna deny it? We'll crucify you.
Why should I, Heather? It's the truth.
And now you know.
So go ahead.
Expose me.
Ruin me.
Send me to jail.
I don't even care anymore.
Don't be so dramatic, Veronica.
You're not going to jail.
What are you talking about, Heather? She's dangerous.
She tried to kill me too.
Yeah, well, you were probably being a mega bitch.
Veronica Sawyer.
You literally got away with murder.
All this time I thought you were a total home phone, but it turns out you were really just.
How do you feel about being in the Thoughts and Prayers room? This sucks.
Heaven sounds so sick.
All my friends are in Heaven, and I just wanna join them.
This drill sucks every year.
I hear, in Heaven, you can eat as much as you want.
I wanna die.
But I wanna die every day, so Honestly, if I can't wear this trench coat and these glasses every day, I don't wanna be alive.
All I wanted was to be with Ram in Heaven.
It's not fair.
All the cool kids are in Heaven, and we're stuck here.
So you don't care that Veronica killed people? Calm down, Heather.
We all kill people.
Um, no, we don't.
You killed Heather McNamara.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Excuse me? Heather would still be alive if you hadn't julienned her at the roller rink.
There, I said it.
You must be confused, Heather.
Didn't you post the pic of her and Mr.
Waters that started her downward spiral? Actually, I'm not quite sure.
I wasn't alive at that time.
Maybe you both did it.
Maybe you did it, Veronica.
Yeah.
You and Edward Sullen probably followed her into the bathroom and slit her wrists for her.
Maybe I did.
Or maybe no one did.
Maybe everybody did.
Maybe we all kill people every single day.
I mean, our cars just poison the air, and we keep driving them.
Our clothes enslave people, but we keep buying them.
Our trash is filling the ocean.
Our burgers waste water.
Blah, blah, blah.
BOTH: Wow.
JD didn't ask you to prom, did he? Exactly what I was thinking.
What does that have to do with anything? So he didn't? JD thinks prom is slavery.
BOTH: Oh, my God.
He is such a clove cigarette.
You know what? We should go to prom together.
I can't.
You guys are gonna tell on me, and then I'm gonna spend my life in prison.
Tell on you? This isn't daycare, Veronica.
Right, Heather? While the thought of you trying to pull off orange delights me to no end, no.
We're not ratting you out.
But why? Veronica There's nothing right about you.
From head to toe, from stem to stern, from that obvious wig to those hammerhead toes.
You're a monster.
But you're my monster.
When will you accept that? I have.
[GRUNTS.]
So then why do we act like we're enemies? I mean, she's right.
We should be smart enough to know that we're not the enemy.
BOTH: Yeah.
The real enemy is ugly people.
Guys, let's do that thing where people wrap their arms around each other for comfort.
Aww.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
You know what? - You guys are right.
- Hmm.
We should go to prom together.
[SIGHS.]
I don't need JD to have a good time.
- No.
- Picture the three of us walking into prom.
We'll give those nerds shower nozzle masturbation material - for months.
- Hell yes.
Three powerful women.
Three powerful, gorgeous women.
Three powerful, gorgeous, equal women.
- Hmm.
- Exactly.
Equal.
Okay, so here's what we're going to wear.
All in the same dress.
But mine will be gold, Heather, you'll do silver, and Veronica, you can be bronze.
[PA SYSTEM WAILS.]
The shooter has been neutralized.
First period will begin at 11:35.
Come on.
Let's go to Heaven.
[DJ SHADOW'S "NOBODY SPEAK".]
Nobody speak, nobody get choked, hey Nobody speak, nobody get choked, hey, hey Nobody speak Nobody speak Only facts I will shoot a baby duck if it quacks With a Ruger, top billing Come cops, some villainous shots is blocked Ms.
Fleming, you're the faculty advisor for prom, correct? - Yes.
- Well, today's your lucky day.
- Because we are gonna plan everything.
- Ready? We want everyone to wear all white.
- Except us.
- Oh, we want a photo booth.
And a VIP lounge area over there.
Ooh, we'll need to blow that wall out.
Oh, we can't do that.
Oh, and we're gonna want drinks over there, and food there and dessert bar - [CLICKING TONGUE.]
- By the water fountain? Ooh, great idea, Veronica.
A dessert bar by the water fountain.
I'm sorry, are you getting this down? Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah Ooh! Hear me out.
What if we covered every surface with mirrors? Oh, and we could do a water feature here in the center.
Oh, and, like, a rotating dance floor.
Amazing! [LAUGHS.]
Guys.
We're geniuses.
Fuck out of here Yeah Well.
The great minds that run Westerburg have finally solved the problem of the violent American teenager.
And in just under three hours.
Kudos to them all.
Perhaps tomorrow, they'll tackle global warming over lunch.
Tonight, you got any plans? Uh, yeah, dress shopping.
Sorry.
Heather, Heather, and I are gonna go to prom together.
Sorry you can't make it.
- Veronica, I, uh - No, I-I'm not even mad.
I actually think it'll be really fun to go with them.
Um, but maybe I'll see you after prom.
[BELL RINGS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I've got plans too.
What matters is the number of lives we saved today.
[BEEPING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CHATTER INTENSIFIES.]