History of the World: Part II (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
"The Fall of the Berlin Wall".
People here have been living
with the wall since 1961,
and now, it's time to break
the wall down, you know?
Smash harder, Hans! The other
side of this wall is freedom!
- A new life for us awaits.
- Yes!
- Hans, I have to tell you something.
- Ja.
- I'm pregnant!
- What?
With your child!
- Mine?
- Yes.
But, how
With your penis.
Mein Gott, that's amazing!
Our baby will be born in a free world!
With blue jeans on.
Oh.
On the other side of this wall,
there will be McDonald's everywhere!
What a momentous day!
Wrong wall.
- O oh, so sorry.
- Oh.
No, no, it happens all the time.
- Sorry.
- Auf wiedersehn.
Oh no!
History of The World, Part II!
"The Story of Jesus,
the Council of Nicaea"
In the year 325, the church gathered
their most powerful bishops
at the Council of Nicaea
in order to solidify the story of Jesus.
Their goal?
To make the Bible an
international blockbuster.
Now, we are very familiar
with the story of Jesus,
so let's just jump right
into it. How about that?
- Great.
- Okay. So,
based on these marketing materials,
what do we think about this guy?
Ah, yeah! The J-Man!
That's why we're all
here, right? I loved him.
- Loved him.
- Love him.
- He was great.
- Yeah, totally, really good.
To be honest, there was
something a little off about him.
- Oh.
- Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable
- to me personally.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Say more.
His whole thing is being
good and fair, right?
So, maybe, like,
he should be fair
and fair-skinned?
- Hm
- I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,
getting this right. You
want Jesus to be white?
- Huh.
- No. That's not what I'm saying.
Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.
I wasn't thinking that at
all, but now that you say it
- I didn't say it.
- I do think that would be worth trying.
I think it really makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.
You know, you should
really give it a try.
Everyone just keeps saying
it's my idea. It's not my idea.
- Give it a shot!
- That was a great idea.
What did we think of his message?
I mean, the message is great,
- but he seemed kinda wimpy.
- Wimpy?
Yeah, I mean, he's the son of God,
but he let them kill him. I mean,
didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga
or some shit? Like
Oh. I'm trembling.
If I was Jesus, there's no way
I'd let that shit happen to me.
I would fuck those Jews up!
Always fuck up the Jews, yeah.
Well, oh, uh, you
mean the Romans, right?
What?
You know, that's a great point.
Who are the bad guys in this story?
- Right?
- Yeah. I think it's better
if there's just one bad guy.
- I agree.
- Yes.
Okay, okay. Would you guys rather have
the villains be the Jews or the Romans?
- Jews.
- Oh.
- Make them the Jews, for sure.
- Yeah.
Th-they run everything.
- You wanna blame them for that?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Before we go any further,
can we do the collection
basket? I think that's
Oh, yes! Of course. Here we go.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes. Great.
- This looks nice.
- Right?
Mangia, mangia.
Oh, you're just
Money, money, money. I want that money.
- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal.
- All right, all right, all right.
Oh, my God,
you're all gonna roast in
Hell. Every single one of you.
Let's talk about Mary Magdalene.
That really scares me.
Oh, so hot! That was the mom, right?
Nope, the other Mary. Is that
confusing that there's two Marys?
- Yeah. I missed that.
- Very. Very.
Oh, you did? So maybe,
we should change it up.
Do you have a name you
prefer for the other Mary?
I don't even know if I know
any other women's names.
I do have one idea, just
to give a little texture.
- Yes!
- It's the year 325.
- Let's give her a job.
- I love this.
I would just make her a prostitute.
- Oh.
- I think that's good. Yeah.
I'm saying that as a father of
daughters. I think it's a good thing.
Honestly, not to pat
ourselves on the back,
but I do think we're, uh,
being pretty progressive
giving Mary a career, right?
Yes, that is the
first word I think of
when I think of all
of you, is progressive.
We're breaking the
stained glass ceiling.
You know what? I am gonna
get all these good thoughts
to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God,
and then we are gonna
have a brand new version
of Christianity coming soon.
If you do see the Pope, please
tell him I said hi. He's a friend.
Oh, no. He'd never talk
to me 'cause I'm a woman.
"Teddy Roosevelt"
Tired of your pals
calling you a pantywaist?
Gone from fab to flab?
Then, scrooch up
with America's most
hard-boiled president.
Not that one.
We're talking about the
war hero, boxing champ,
big-game hunting, wilderness exploring,
kept giving a speech after getting shot,
26th president of these United States
Teddy Roosevelt!
It's your boy, T. Rose,
the trust-buster
and the gut-buster,
and I'm here to get
you absolutely shredded!
With a brand new series of phonographs
for aerobic athletics and calisthenics,
where you'll learn to
build muscle!
Roosevelt muscle!
Burn fat!
I'm not much of a cardio boy,
but you need to get a sweat going.
So, grab your big stick,
swing it all around
and give it seven to 800 swings,
or until your rotator
cuff turns to chutney.
Self defense!
Find a monopolist
- Hello, sir.
- Oh.
and then, you want
to best him physically.
What's that now? Oh!
Your days of hoarding copper are over!
But wait, there's more!
Telegraph now, and get volume two,
T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble,
featuring the president's
own workout partner, Neville.
Neville, how many
Australians have you killed?
Australians? Several.
But wait, there's more! Order now,
and get the president's secret
post-fitness tonic for free!
We have lard butter, clotted cream,
a little bit of suet, and
the blood of one plump rooster
for iron and for flavor. Here we go.
Mm.
Oh!
Ah! MALE ANNOUNCER:
Order now. Only 33 cents,
plus shipping and processing.
From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
She's Shirley ♪
It's been a long, hard
road, but hope was never lost ♪
'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Shirley! is brought to you
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm,
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
Ho, ho, man. I can't
wait to get to Miami.
I'm gonna have myself a
daiquiri and do the samba.
And support your wife at the
Democratic National Convention
in hopes of her being elected president?
Yeah, and that, too.
Hey, is that mole on
your face moving around?
- What mole?
- The mole right here.
Conrad, keep your eyes on the road.
Shirley, I know you wrote a speech,
but have you considered
the song that I
I'm not doing a damn song!
Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop?
Shut up, Conrad.
Shut up, audience!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a Howard Cosell
impression reporting live
from the Democratic National Convention.
The stars are certainly
out in Miami tonight.
- They stuck us in the loser section!
- Mm-hmm.
No, they didn't! Look,
there's Rosa Parks.
- Where? Ooh!
- Excuse me. Hi, hi.
I am so sorry. A
a-are you Rosa Parks?
Yes!
I'm so sorry. I-I
think you're in my seat.
I am not doing this shit again.
It might take me a while
to get to the stage,
but once they hear my speech,
- it will be worth it.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie
ran along with his impressions,
so we had to cut your speech.
But thank you for stopping by.
I thought we had a chance to win,
but clearly, they didn't take
me or my campaign seriously!
Well, Shirley, baby, they
may not take you seriously,
- but we do.
- Mm-hmm.
And we are here for you no matter what.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
It means so much that
you're sticking by my side.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is-is that Diana Ross?
Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross!
Those other Supremes ain't shit!
As long as my husband
is with me, I'll be fine.
- I'm sorry, baby.
- It's okay.
No, I'm sorry. There's
a churro guy down there,
and I've always wanted to have a churro!
Amigo! Right over here. Hola!
Well, I guess I won't be
needing this speech anymore.
Shirley Chisholm?
Oh, now what?
Muhammad Ali?!
Where? Oh.
Yeah, that's me.
And you are someone I greatly admire.
Really?
So when are you getting up there?
Apparently never, champ.
Might be time for me
to throw in the towel.
In this country, you can do
anything you set your mind to.
Except dodging the draft.
You will go to jail for that.
So, get up off the mat.
Just go up there and
tell 'em who you are.
Well, I am who I am.
I am unbought and unbossed!
That's it.
That's it! Now, get up
there and tell them that.
All right! Thanks, champ!
Knock 'em dead.
Hey.
You the fellow that kicked
Rosa Parks outta her seat?
Uh, w-well, it's just
that I'm an a-aisle guy
Yeah, I'ma need to see
you in the parking lot.
Come on.
In a world where greed is good,
and God is as good as dead.
Jesus is gathering his forces.
He's becoming more powerful.
Cancel him, Judas.
Bear witness to the journey of a man
who's run out of cheeks to turn.
Jesus, the apostles need
you for one last mission.
Mark, my savior days are over.
You know who else's days
are over? John the Baptist.
Dad damn it.
A journey that took him
from the mother he loved.
Son, this was your father's.
I never knew my father.
Neither did I.
Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?
Oh yeah. Totally a virgin, yeah.
Never had sex.
And the love he could not return.
Mary Magdalene, I came to check
on you and make sure you're safe.
I'm safe now that you're here.
- I can't.
- But I won't charge you,
even though I'm a prostitute.
Who's also the best
computer hacker in Jerusalem.
The Romans are 30 klicks
away and moving fast.
I'll be back.
In three days.
Vamonos.
Was that other guy here the whole time?
That's fucking creepy.
Apostles assemble.
It's Jesus
as our white God intended.
Blonde, blue-eyed,
and fuckin' ripped.
Get lost, Jesus.
We're lending money,
in a temple, at exorbitant rates!
Oy, gevalt!
Ha
llelujah.
And when all is lost
Goodbye.
a new type of hero is found.
Miss me?
You're alive!
I came back because I left something.
- W-what?
- Your sins.
This Christmas, get saved or go to Hell.
JC Resurrection.
Wow. Jesus is bussin'!
You're right. He is bussin'.
Jesus action figure?!
This is the best toy in the
History of the World, Part II!
Pew, pew, pew.
That's it.
- Are you kidding me?
- That's the money.
- Wow.
- I feel like I don't need to ask,
but I will anyway.
How's everyone feeling
about this new version of Christianity?
I mean, I love that! I mean, we
got ourselves a franchise here!
I mean, that is a
four-quadrant movie for sure.
Think of the merchandising
opportunities alone.
- Also, uh, kinda hot, right?
- Oh, my God.
He was hot, he was
jacked, he was Caucasian,
he was just like me. Totally relatable!
Well, I guess we gave
you everything you wanted.
It's always great when it works out
for white men in power.
Yeah, it really is. It really is.
I don't know how I'll sleep
at night, but it's fine.
Oh, and don't forget to get
your items from the hat check
on your way out. Okay?
Oh, lost my ticket. I
don't have my ticket,
but I have It's that one right there.
And this is yours. And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
I'm sorry, you made a
mistake. This is yours.
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours
That's not mine. Oh,
that's mine. That's mine.
- No. You have mine right there.
- That's mine. There it is. Okay.
And may I get my staff, please?
I wish I could tip, but
I only have big stuff,
so I'll get you next time.
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
It looks like the big winner
is the Motor from South Dakota.
It's over. It's over.
But wait, what do we
have here? Ms. Chisholm?
Outta my way, Monday night goofball!
Ouch.
Good evening, delegates.
Thank you for having me.
Can you hear me?
All right. Let's try this.
One, two, three, four!
Mm Hit me!
Woo! Can you feel it?
This is wildly out of
character for my wife.
This country needs some
disruption to the corruption ♪
Too much corruption ♪
That White House could use
some Black to cure its blues ♪
Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪
In the ass, we're gonna kick it ♪
With this sister on the ticket ♪
Honey, get with Mama
Shirley, and you can't lose ♪
Baby, you can't lose ♪
I'm fed up with all the
jive and exploitation ♪
Let them threaten, let
them bully, I don't scare ♪
She don't scare ♪
I don't play nobody's fool ♪
I take them white boys all to school ♪
They don't give me
a seat at the table ♪
I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪
She's unbought and unbossed ♪
I'm incorruptible ♪
Unvarnished and unglossed ♪
I'm indestructible ♪
Unbought and unbossed ♪
Yeah, that's right, I
won't relax, I won't relent ♪
I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪
President! ♪
Thank you, delegates!
Get on the Chisholm Express '72!
I'm unbought and unbossed ♪
Ooh-woo!
Oh, Mom, you made me a cake?
Oh no, baby.
That's store-bought.
You came in fourth.
I thought I was gonna get
to do a musical number.
I've been pitching
that for four episodes.
But you know what, baby?
Don't feel bad. You did great.
And we got a free trip to Miami
out of it. And you know what?
You have opened up doors
for generations to come.
Oh, Conrad, that's the
dumbest shit you've ever said.
And that's saying somethin'.
Oh, come on now.
No, but really, baby. You didn't win,
but you opened doors
for generations to come.
Oh, Mama!
Fuck that, man! I just said that!
Shut up, Conrad.
Shut up, Conrad!
Okay. Okay, okay.
You know what? Fuck y'all!
Only reason I did this TV show
was to help out your campaign,
and all I do is get treated like shit!
Man, I'm outta here!
I'ma do my own TV show!
You know what, it's gonna be
about something I care about.
It's gonna be about law and order!
Now, I don't know what I'ma call it,
but it's gonna have a cool
transition, like, "dun dun!"
And it's gonna be the best! The best!
A Black woman will become president
before that show ever works.
Can I have a piece of cake before I go?
Fuck you.
Wait! Where are you going?
Coming soon,
Don't miss History
of the World, Part II,
season two.
See "The Great Fascist Bake Off."
Idi Amin, your cake fell flat, mate.
I thought killing the other
contestants would give me an edge,
but there are no shortcuts in baking.
See "The Dust Bowl."
And it's a fumble! Oklahoma recovers,
or maybe Kansas does. And
they take it to the 10,
to the five, touchdown Kansas!
Or Oklahoma! Who knows?
I can't see shit! It's too dusty!
See "Jews in Space"
Captain Mudman, we're
in a bit of a pickle!
I know, it's a real half-sour.
Lieutenantman Silverman,
give us a status update.
I'm single, but looking!
Well, we're doing an event in
the JCC Saturn this weekend.
- Ooh.
- I know there'll be
a wonderful guy there for you, but
I mean a status update on the ship!
Oh, I can't operate
anything until sundown,
which, in space, who can
tell? Best I do nothing.
Fair enough. Borowitz, report!
Captain, the weapons
system is loxed and loaded,
- but I got no schmear.
- What?!
- Joot!
- I am Joot.
You were supposed to
bring the cream cheese!
I am Joot!
I don't understand.
The deli was closed yesterday.
Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have
the results of my colonoscopy?
Yes, Captain, and it's not good.
You have ass-teroids.
Oh, no, ass-teroids!
Wait, Wanda, can you be in this sketch?
I'm an executive producer.
Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish.
Mm.
Captain, we're being boarded!
Hopefully by a doctor.
At this hour? Dayenu. Okay!
Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh
I know, I know. I go first.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
It's the most powerful
Jewish person in the universe,
Jesus Christ!
Well, the second most powerful.
Also, I brought cream cheese.
- It's Mel Brooks!
- Oh, he looks great!