Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e08 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) All right, we got you in.
Good morning.
Morning, Colonel.
Flight Lieutenants Ritchie and Donner.
Hi.
They've been checked out, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Shot down near Dusseldorf.
Came in through the emergency tunnel last night.
We were flying reconnaissance.
Caught a bit of flak, I'm afraid.
Knocked us for six, so we scarpered.
Scarper-- translation: they bailed out.
Thanks.
Coffee? Sit down.
Thank you.
Well, the Germans might have seen your parachutes, so they'll be looking for you.
We'll keep you here until the heat's off, huh? We heard you chaps were expert in the escape business.
We have our moments.
We're rather anxious to get back to base, even if it means a bit of risk.
Right.
Our squadron plays the Royal Engineers next week.
Hate to miss that.
You want to get home for a ruddy cricket match? Fascinating.
There'll always be an England.
( laughing ) Into the barracks, everybody.
Into the barracks.
Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell! Hey, watch it, watch it.
Goon's coming.
Come on! Into the barracks, I said raus, raus Rrr-rrr You, too! Raus, raus, raus, raus! I know nothing.
Nothing.
Some Kraut colonel just came into camp.
Oh, you are so ignorant.
Colonel it's a general.
General Von Kaplow.
I know nothing, nothing! Schultz, Schultz! What's he doing here? You would like to know, wouldn't you? Even if I know what the General has chained to his wrist, I wouldn't tell you, and you know why? Because PRISONERS: I know nothing! Nothing! Jolly jokers.
A Wehrmacht General with a briefcase.
Now, why would he stop here? Carrying secrets, maybe? Could be.
I think I'd better go find out from Klink.
How are you going to do that, Colonel? Lebeau, get out your very best recipes.
They say the way to a man's big mouth is through his stomach.
We shall do everything to make you comfortable, Herr General.
That's very kind of you, Colonel Quink.
Klink.
I'll try to remember that.
Comfort is important, but I have chosen to stay here for security reasons.
Oh, my dear General, this is Stalag 13.
You need have no worries about security.
I always worry.
That's why I am a general and you are a colonel.
Ha, that's good.
I must remember that.
( laughing ) Hi, honey.
What's the General doing in there with Klink? The only reason you kiss me is to get information from me.
Come on, honey, that's not true.
There are other reasons.
For openers, I'm a man, and you're a woman.
Mmm.
That's about all I remember from those training films.
What about the General? The only thing I know is that he pinched me.
At least we know what he likes.
Easy boy, down now.
Sir, Colonel Hogan, Senior POW officer reporting.
How dare you! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you had company, sir.
How dare you break into my office? You were confined to quarters.
Well, you see, sir, I was Out! You will be punished for this.
Herr General, I must apologize for this rudeness.
Out! Wait.
What is the problem? Uh, sir, you see, today is one of our national holidays, Repeal of Prohibition.
The fellows were preparing a gourmet dinner, and they asked me to invite our lovable commandant to join in the festivities.
Colonel Hogan, you know I never fraternize with the prisoners.
Out! Just a moment.
Just a moment.
A gourmet dinner in a POW camp.
It might be amusing.
It might be amusing.
We would be honored if the General would join us, too.
Very well, I accept.
Very well.
He accepts.
All right, fine.
Shall we say 7:30? In your quarters? In my quarters? Why not? Why not? All right, come as you are.
We're terribly informal here.
General Colonel.
Excellent excellent.
Mmm, very delicate flavor.
I am so pleased you are enjoying that, General.
We are not totally uncivilized here at Stalag 13.
Schultz, you want to lick the pot? Yes.
Mmm! Das schmecht gut.
You're a better cook than my wife.
Merci.
You're also better-looking.
( both chuckling ) More wine, my dear? More wine for the General.
More wine for the General.
More wine for the General.
Oh, I beg Clumsy oaf! Dummkopf! HOGAN: Oh, well, accidents will happen.
Just take a moment to clean up.
Make sure you pick up every bit of glass.
Yes, sir.
Oh, good help is so hard to get these days.
Good help? KLINK: Oh, you see, Herr General, he is a prisoner who has to be here anyway.
So, he refers to him as That's very humorous.
Ja, very humorous.
KLINK: You know, this is really delicious.
I once had a meal at Stalag 9.
It was dreadful compared to this.
Really? KLINK: I believe that the prisoners ate better than the Commandant and his officers.
Colonel Hogan, if you had not been captured, what would you be doing right now? Oh, probably bombing your headquarters.
( Kaplow laughs ) And if you should escape? I can assure you, he won't.
KAPLOW: As an officer, it is his duty to try.
Also keeps me out of trouble.
I got most of it, sir.
I just need a dustpan to finish up.
So a fine meal and good company.
Thank you.
So, shall we adjourn to the living room? To round out a perfect evening, I was hoping that the Commandant would favor us with a bit of music.
Oh, yes, a violin solo, Herr Commandant.
Ah, you're a musician? Well in a small way.
Oh, he's so modest.
Behind his back the men call him Papa Heifetz.
They do? Amongst other things.
Oh, do play for us.
Just one number? Oh, really, I'm not prepared.
Well, if he can't, he can't.
If you insist.
He can.
He can! You won't believe what he does to a violin.
( tuning violin ) ( Klink plays melancholy tune ) What's that noise? Somebody is strangling a cat.
It's our beloved Commandant.
He's having a go at the violin.
You'd better get in there and listen.
Old Klink would love that.
You think so? Oh, you'd probably get an extra day's leave.
Oh, I could start right now.
Go lights camera flash! Un, deux, trois ( applause ) Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Colonel.
Thank you.
Now shall we Do you know "Melancholy Baby?" Is that Mozart by any chance? No chance at all.
Oh well, I have another little number that is very well received.
Good, good.
General leave for Berlin yet, Colonel? Yeah, and I wish he had taken Klink's fiddle with him.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
These are the battle plans of the Fourth Army Group.
Attack plan, reserve strength, air support, intelligence reports Hey, we've got to get this stuff to London, but fast.
Hey, Colonel, send them out with our two RAF cricketers.
Sure, use the emergency tunnel.
No, there's too much German activity near the exit.
What would make the Germans loosen up? Four or five well-placed hand grenades.
Look, they're winning.
What if they thought they were losing? Now, how do you manage that? This will take real organization.
Newkirk, I need two Wehrmacht uniforms for the RAF men.
Right, sir, I'll get their measurements.
Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on? Reversible tie pins.
On one side it says "Heil Hitler.
" On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war.
" Put a hold on the tie pins.
I want them to make a dummy movie camera, realistic as possible.
Okay.
All right, look, we go to work on the goons tomorrow.
We're selling an idea, so we've got to attack them at their weakest point.
ALL: Schultz! Who else? Here he comes! All right, gentlemen.
Now the first thing is, I don't want you to be discouraged by the complexity of the Russian language.
What I want you to do is learn a few essential words.
Now the first word we're going to learn is tovarich, which means friend.
It's an obvious way to greet someone.
Okay, now let me hear you repeat it.
ALL: Tovarich.
Very good.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Come on in.
Hello.
Now What-what-what- what are you doing? We're learning a little Russian.
Good-bye.
Schultz, what's your hurry? It wouldn't hurt you to learn a little Russian, you know.
What for? Well, I mean, suppose they liberate Stalag 13 before the Americans.
Th-they are coming? Could be.
Good-bye.
All right Who told you? Oh, that's a professional secret.
I'm sorry.
Aha! You have a radio hidden.
You were listening to a broadcast.
You know it is verboten.
If the Commandant finds out, you all go to the cooler.
What did the radio say, tell me? The Allies are winning on all fronts.
Hamburg is in ruins.
Berlin is a shambles.
Oh, boy, no matter what we do, we can't win a war.
All right now, the next two words are "da" and "nyet" meaning "yes" and "no.
" Now, let me hear you say "yes" and "no" in Russian.
ALL: Da nyet Da.
Nyet.
Da.
Nyet.
Da.
Nyet.
Da.
Nyet.
Da We the undersigned, POWs of Stalag 13, certify that Sergeant Schultz has been a humane and considerate guard of this camp.
We ask that he be treated accordingly when the Allies occupy Stalag 13.
Type that up and have everybody sign it.
Will do.
Schultz, you like that? Beautiful, tovarich.
I could cry.
Berlin is in ruins, and Hamburg is a shambles, and the Russians are going to liberate the camp any minute.
How do you know all this? I know nothing, nothing.
If you know nothing, where did you get this information? Once in a while, I know something.
I see.
The letter, please? Letter? I have no letter.
I swear, Herr Commandant.
I have a letter.
All wrapped up in this neat little package.
I need a few more signatures.
This is a terrible thing you're doing, Schultz.
You're a traitor to your country.
You're a traitor to your uniform, and to my command.
Yes, Herr Commandant.
Dismissed! Would you like me to get you one of these? Get out of here! ( Kinch with German accent ): This is Radio Berlin.
We interrupt our daily music for a special announcement from Supreme Headquarters.
Our beloved Fuhrer will address the German nation on a matter of the highest importance this evening at 2100 hours.
It is hoped that all Germans will listen to this special broadcast or else.
So you are organizing a Stalag 13 orchestra, huh? Yes, sir.
The Red Cross supplied the instruments.
Love to have you as first violinist, sir.
Well, I don't know, I I mean, the men are insisting, sir.
I'm flattered.
I mean, of course, we'd love to have you as soloist, especially at our first concert.
Let me think it over.
I mean, nothing elaborate.
Maybe four or five numbers ending with "Stars and Stripes Forever.
" That's an unusual request.
Oh, it's almost time for the Fuhrer's speech.
You may stay and listen to it, Colonel Hogan, if you wish.
Thank you, sir.
I, uh wouldn't want to miss this.
KINCH: And now, here is our beloved Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, himself! ( cheering and applause ) ( with German accent ): Germans everywhere, guten Abend.
Your Fuhrer speaks to you tonight live from Berlin.
( cheering and applause ) I'm happy to report that the war against the enemies of our beloved Third Reich goes well.
( cheering and applause ) It is possible that you've heard rumors that Berlin is in ruins, Hamburg is a shambles and so on.
I order you not to believe these things even if they are true.
We are winning.
Always winning against the enemy.
Yet, at the present time, certain negotiations are under way which will come as a great surprise to the Fatherland, but no matter what happens, we will all be together.
( cheering and applause ) In conclusion, I say, tighten your belts, work hard, fight dirty, and no matter what happens keep smiling.
Keep smiling? He tells us to keep smiling.
Uh, Colonel, about our orchestra? Not now.
Not now.
We are winning the war.
But negotiations have started.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Hitler's like everybody else.
He has his moods.
Of course.
Probably had one of his temper tantrums this morning.
Yes, perhaps he had a bad day at Berchtesgaden.
But you can never tell.
What do you mean? Well, I mean, you go along running the toughest camp in Germany and suddenly one day you look out and through the gate comes a Sherman tank with its peashooter pointed right at your monocle.
What? Yeah, yeah.
And then out steps a second lieutenant, a high school senior from Wichita, Kansas.
And he says, "Sir, you are my prisoner!" Very correct, and if you move, he shoots you.
Colonel, I'm going to play in your orchestra.
Thank you, sir.
You are sitting in my chair! Sorry.
I got carried away.
I'd get rid of that German helmet if I were you.
It's got that "Hun" feeling about it.
And you don't have to worry about going to the Russian front.
The Russian front's coming here.
Did we convince Klink that he's losing the war, Colonel? All I can tell you is he's practicing his surrender speech right now.
Let's go over your routine.
Right you are.
( with German accent ): We are a photographic unit with orders to shoot pictures of Stalag 13 for our military archives.
Right-o.
( with German accent ): Our car broke down a few miles from here, and we have come along on foot.
Now, you go through the motions, take the film, then tell them you need a car to get back to your headquarters, right? KINCH: Colonel.
Oh, Kinch.
London just confirmed the plan.
They'll be picked up by our sub tonight.
Great, great.
Stand by the radio.
All right, gentlemen, look, you're going to take out the documents as negatives inside this camera.
But I say, what if we're caught and Jada gets the camera? Anybody tries to open the magazine without first pushing the safety kaboom! I see.
Understood, sir.
Okay.
Now, go out the door casually and go about your work.
Right you are.
Heil Hitler.
Heil heil.
A film of Stalag 13? Those are the orders, Colonel.
We are making pictures of all the prisoner of war camps for military archives.
But I've heard nothing about this from headquarters.
Well, that is understandable.
Things are a little confused in Berlin these days.
Please don't tell me any more.
Yes, Hogan? I couldn't help overhearing, sir.
This is a great break for you, sir.
It is? Oh, sure, a movie of friendly Stalag 13, where never is heard a discouraging word.
With lovable Commandant Klink.
Forget that kid in the Sherman tank.
Yes, yes, yes.
This will be documentary proof that you've been a humane guardian of Allied prisoners.
Excellent.
That's an excellent idea.
Gentlemen, you may proceed.
You have my fullest cooperation.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
Thank you, Colonel Klink.
That will be fine.
Just a minute, just a minute.
You haven't got a complete picture of Stalag 13 yet.
Now, there is another side I want you to photograph.
Just a moment.
Cut.
Very good.
That was an excellent idea, Colonel.
That's all we need, thank you.
Just a moment, just a moment.
This is only the beginning.
Now, let us move the camera over there.
Well, sir, don't overdo it.
If you don't mind! A star is born.
After you get this shot, tell the ham that you're out of film, you need a car, and get out of here.
Right you are.
Yes, sir.
Oops.
We got trouble.
I say, do we make a run for it? Don't panic.
Play this thing by ear.
Get out of here.
Right-o, sir.
What an unexpected pleasure, Herr General.
Just on my way back from Berlin.
Couldn't wait to see my little friend, Fraulein Helga.
I thought perhaps we could have one of your excellent dinners.
Herr General, you have just returned from Berlin.
Are things really as bad as they say they are? Things were never better.
The Wilhelmstrasse is busy with the war, and we are celebrating victories on all fronts.
But what about the rumors? The rumors! Without rumors, there would be no war.
But the Fuhrer's speech last night.
He hinted there might be negotiations.
Perhaps it was a trial balloon.
Hitler loves to confuse his enemies.
Then we're not losing the war? Losing? ( chuckles ) I've already made a hotel reservation in London.
Just a minute.
There will be no more pictures taken here.
I will personally destroy this film.
Oh, wait.
Good move.
You know this is probably a trick by the Gestapo to test your loyalty.
But why? They're jealous.
You're too efficient.
Here, let me take this for you.
There, now Here, take that.
I'd get rid of these guys if I were you.
Exactly.
But fast.
Captain, you and your assistant get out of here at once! But Colonel, our car broke down.
Schultz, requisition a car and a driver from the motor pool and take the Captain and his assistant wherever they wish to go.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler and get out.
Imagine the nerve of these men coming here with that camera.
Oh, you handled it masterfully, sir, masterfully.
Thank you.
Colonel Hogan, I have decided not to play in your prisoners' orchestra.
I may, however, do a solo over the loudspeaker system.
Well, if I were you, I'd wait until the General leaves, sir.
Why? I mean how would it look, a mass escape while he's here? Now, don't tell me you can't find my violin, Schultz.
Herr Commandant, I was looking for it everywhere.
You will search every inch of this camp again, and you will search it until you find it.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
( knocking ) Come in.
You sent for me, Colonel? Yes.
I'm missing my violin.
Now, I want every Not anymore, you're not.
Why, thank you, Colonel.
Where did you find it? Oh, it's a long story.
I will personally put this under lock and key.
Why did you have to find it? Now he's going to play it again.
If he does, he'll have to blow into it.
( both chuckle )