House Husbands (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

1 I've seen that many custody battles.
They cost a fortune.
And the result's always the same.
The kids end up where they should be with their mother.
You made our family a national joke.
I've screwed up in my life and my family.
And I'm trying to undo that.
I just I think I should leave you to it.
Kids don't form memories till they're three years old.
You'll be long gone by then.
Gabriel says you're only part-time.
Uh, well, I'll be working basically four days uh, hopefully during school hours.
How's that going to work? How did you go with Rachel? I don't think she likes me.
Welcome to the Harmony Day ceremony, a celebration of culture and respect They need me back at work.
We're flat out.
We're a doctor down.
Why? Someone's bruised a bicep? Mark? In celebration of peace and togetherness.
Wait? Zac.
Does that go on your head? Oh! Like that? Is that right? Hey, hey, hey.
No.
No.
That's stealing.
Simon says put your hands on your nose.
Rachel, I've got it.
It's young.
It's sexy.
It's hip.
Where are you, Mark? Daddy, my hair came off.
Who's that? Yeah.
Um, I'm not sure.
Some kid.
I think your daddy's over there, little girl.
Yeah, so what we do is we keep the supermarket open 24 hours on Friday and Saturday night, OK? Is that sexy? What's sexier than wine and cheese and groceries at 2am in the morning? Put some romance in your trolley.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Stay with the group, mate.
Go back with the group, mate.
Mark.
Yeah.
That's not your jellyfish.
Shit! I've lost my jellyfish.
Zac? Zac? Zac? I want to go as a princess.
I'm not sure how many princesses live under the sea, darling.
I'm a princess under the sea.
Oh, there's my absent wife.
Your dinner's in the fridge.
Hi, baby girl.
Mwah! And that was your cup of tea.
And toast.
Mummy, I want to go as a princess.
To school? To the cursion.
Where? Excursion.
Ohh.
Sure.
Yay! It's called 'Under The Sea'.
It is a concert.
That's why I've spent the last couple of days fixing that starfish costume.
Ohh What he said.
Are you going to sleep? I wish.
I have to study.
You should sleep.
No study, no consultancy, no work flexibility, no mum at home more often, doing mum stuff.
You should study.
Want to be my study pal? I'd rather be your sleeping pal.
Justin's court case is today.
Oh, yeah.
Rachel, hi.
What? You want me to come in now? No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, I can do that.
Ah.
Rachel.
Hey, sorry.
I was This is a huge national supermarket.
I have the tip-off they're not happy with their current set-up.
Right.
They want to appeal to a younger, hipper, inner city demographic.
Hipper, right.
They want to spend an extraordinary amount of money doing this.
Great.
I want you to make this supermarket sexy.
Sex up the unsexy.
Yep.
Put grandpa in jeans.
If you like.
Right.
Yeah, I can do that.
Shitballs.
Zac, what did I say? Throw it one more time and it's going in the bin.
Hey.
What do you want? Um, I need my suit.
Your suit? Uh, I think it might be here, yeah.
Why would your suit be here? Maybe you packed it in the move.
I don't know.
I need it for court today.
Oh, um I don't know where it is.
Maybe you chucked it in the Vinnies pile.
Daddy! Hey, buddy.
What's happening? Mummy's changing my name.
Oh, Jacob.
Go back inside.
I'm having Mummy's name.
Sorry.
I wanted to tell you about it first.
Yeah.
That would have been nice.
I'm going back to my maiden name.
And I want the kids to have the same name.
It just makes it easier.
Oh, man.
I've got to go.
Oh, Zac! What did I say? That's enough.
No! This is going in the bin.
That's my ball.
Daddy gave me that ball.
I don't want you to be my mummy anymore.
I don't want to be your mummy anymore either.
What are you doing? Baby stuff.
I'm getting involved in my grandchild's life.
Did you keep Tilda's clothes? Look at these.
Oh, remember this one? It makes you want another one, doesn't it? Mark.
As you were.
Something I didn't make clear.
Gabe's in HK for a reason, Mark.
He's not working out.
Right.
Um And I want you to be the new him.
Oh, great.
So more work and responsibility.
Commonly known as a promotion.
Problem? No.
No, that's That's great.
I'll leave you with it.
And that.
Oh, this one's great actually because it keeps them warm in the tummy and then breezy around the feet.
Oh, this is the one that she wore to her first birthday party.
Yeah, when she threw up cake all over the cake.
Yes.
There you go.
How's that? Think this will cut it? If you've got a good speech to distract them.
Yeah.
I'm thinking I'm going to leave the talking to the lawyer.
No.
You've got to speak, mate.
They're going to pummel you.
This is your chance to give your side of the story.
Right, Luce? Nuh, I'd only screw it up.
Family law isn't just about evidence and lawyers.
It's more personal, subjective.
You have to speak.
Oh, shit! Is this a bad time? Hey, honey.
Sorry, no.
You go.
I forgot.
I volunteered to help out at that underwater excursion today.
'Under The Sea'.
It's called 'Under The' Why? A moment of absent-parent guilt.
They needed parents to help out - a ratio thing.
Do I know where this is going? This is my absolute last possible day of study.
The exam's in less than a week.
Right.
I do remember you saying that.
So, what? You want me to do the excursion, yeah? Could you? Well, I've got Justin's court case at 3:30.
What time is it? It's 2:30.
It's right near your work.
So you would only have to be there before the concert and then you could probably go.
Can you squeeze it in? Yeah.
Alright.
Yeah, I can do that.
Thank you.
I love you.
So I think I may have just got a promotion.
What does that mean? Don't you mean congratulations? No.
Well, congratulations of course.
But what does that mean? I'm not actually sure because, you know, I was in the toilet.
And so I wanted to keep it short.
What? Rachel offered you a job in the men's? Yeah.
Yeah.
It was, like It was not comfortable.
I was, like, midstream.
Look, I've got to go.
Bye.
Hey.
Hey.
I have news.
The client's coming in today.
The sexy supermarket.
Yep.
We're on.
Right.
Good.
Mark, I'm going to need you to be more enthusiastic about this new position.
Oh, no.
No, I am.
I am.
Sorry.
Um what time are they coming in? Three o'clock.
You'll be ready? Yeah.
Uh let's see.
Here at three and then off to court.
Problem? No.
Shit.
You look very respectable.
Righto.
Let's get out of here.
Come on, Luce.
It's not a red carpet.
Oh, Phoebe, sorry.
Not those ones, darling.
I know it sounds silly but I just want to keep some of those just in case.
Just in case what? I don't know.
Just in case.
Oh, we are well past laying, old chook.
Lucy, where are you? Right.
Well, what makes a supermarket sexy? Um, organic food.
The patient presented 30 minutes ago, abdominal pain, diarrhoea.
Good shelving.
Warm in winter.
DTS four over three? The people - they could be in some classy uniform sort of like a flight attendant.
Four over two after 50 minutes.
Correct.
Except that you peeked.
Coffee.
A barista? Could you hold a coffee while you're pushing a shopping trolley? Hi.
Can you come over and stop me cheating? I don't know.
Can you give it a go? Use with your chair.
Right.
Yeah, that looks No, that looks a little bit a little bit awkward.
Thanks.
Yeah, just keep working on it.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Is this really your job? Does anybody work here? We are working.
We're coming up with ideas.
Now, can you go? I just got a promotion.
You make me look bad.
You got a promotion? Yeah.
That's right.
I'm trying to I'm trying to prove my worth.
Well, you're going to have to prove your worth later.
It's Justin's hearing.
You said that was at 3:30.
2:30.
What? No.
But you That means I have to do the 'Under The Sea' thing in my lunch break.
And then I've got to come back here for a pitch meeting.
Look, I'll meet you at court.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
They're taking my name away.
Who? Nicola.
She's changing the kids' surname to hers.
If they don't have my name, and I lose this hearing what's left of me in their lives? You won't lose.
Yeah.
He's going to make his own way.
Mark, going somewhere? Yeah.
I'm just popping out to get some fresh air.
It's a little bit stuffy in here.
Just can't think.
We'll need to get together before the pitch.
Say in half an hour? Good.
Yeah.
No, I can do that.
There you go.
Actually keep that.
Don't let that fall on the floor - too noisy.
Hey.
Sorry.
I'm not late, am I? Oh, no.
No, the concert's running late anyway.
Oh, good.
I think we might take this lot into the park, run off a bit of energy.
What do you think, everybody? Listening.
Listening.
Hands on your head.
You're not Abi.
No.
No, I'm not.
I knew she would bail.
Slacker.
Oi! You two, hands on your head.
Right.
Yep.
Very good listening, you two.
Very good listening, children.
.
.
I thought about it all again and the thought consoles Swimming.
.
.
How I want you Swimming.
Shark.
Freeze! And swimming.
You keep staring at it it will never ring.
Are you expecting a call? Yeah.
It's just work.
I've got a promotion today so Oh, wow! Congratulations.
That's fantastic news.
Yeah.
I hope so.
And shark.
Freeze! You don't seem too thrilled about it.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's it's good.
It's just you know, another ball to juggle.
Home, work, Poppy.
Probably shouldn't juggle Poppy.
No, probably not.
She, um She loves you, by the way.
She's always raving about you.
Oh, thanks.
It's nice to know that being up at 2am on a Saturday night, cutting out pictures of cows and moons is worth it.
Definitely worth it.
What else would you be doing? Well, actually I really wanted to go to this thing at the State Gallery.
It was open all night.
And they had DJs and bands in amongst the artwork, and served wine and food.
That sounds good.
Yeah.
Do you know what? You've just given me a great idea.
"Makes you want another one.
" Those were her exact words.
I doubt she meant it.
Yeah.
How old are you? It doesn't matter how old I am.
I mean, kids are great.
They're a major investment.
And once you've got them you've got them for life.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Break time.
Thanks.
Uh, why do we want to be consultants again? Apart from the prestige? And respect.
The letters after your name.
Oh, well, of course.
Mmm.
Actually flexibility's why.
More time to be a mum.
Poppy was playing with her dollhouse the other day.
And I overheard her say, "Mummy's not really a mummy.
"But Daddy's a real daddy.
" Ouch.
Mmm.
Wait.
Does that go on your head? Like that? Is that right? Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa! That's stealing.
OK.
Now, Give that back to him.
Simon says put your hands on your nose.
Rachel? I've got it.
It's young.
It's sexy.
It's hip.
Where are you, Mark? In the park.
You should be here.
No.
No, I've got the idea.
Daddy, my hair came off.
Who's that? I'm not sure.
Some kid.
I think your daddy's over there, little girl.
So what we do is we keep the supermarket open 24 hours on Friday and Saturday night, OK? We have a DJ.
We have wine.
We have a chef serving samples of food.
It's a place for, you know, singles to meet, hang out.
Is that sexy? What's sexier than wine and cheese and groceries at 2am in the morning? Put some romance in your trolley.
Yeah.
Whoa! Whoa! Stay with the group, mate.
Go back with the group, mate.
Mark? Yeah.
That's not your jellyfish.
Shit! I've lost my jellyfish.
Zac? Zac? Zac? What's wrong with your suit? Shut up, Kane.
Kane! Where the hell's Mark? Hey, everybody.
Quickly as you can.
Hurry, please.
Please.
Now, everybody, you know Gemma.
This is Tilda's mummy.
She's going to take you inside and she's going to play some games with you before the concert starts.
Go! Go! Go! Please listen to her.
Are you sure you're OK with this? Absolutely.
You guys go.
Inside, everyone, please.
Zac? He can't have gone far.
God, this is not happening.
Zac! He's a smart kid.
He knows all about stranger danger.
Zac! Zac! Oh, God.
We should have just gone into the theatre.
This is my fault.
I was trying to do 20 things at once today.
Have you called his parents yet? No.
They're in court.
Why? Oh, the custody case.
As we speak.
I run a very successful business.
I own my own property.
I can offer Angie and the boys a stable and secure home.
I may be engaged to marry their mum but as far as I can see it, I'm committed to all four of them.
We're a family.
Your Honour.
Uh, sorry.
Um, we need to adjourn or delay or something.
Zac! Zac! Zac! Zac! Zac, where are you, mate? Zac.
Zac.
Hey, excuse me.
Mate, have you seen, like, a? Uh, do you want me to get that? Hi, Mark.
It's Jimmy.
Sorry.
Who? James.
Dr O'Connell.
Is is Abi at work? No.
In the loo.
We're studying.
We're both sitting the test so Right.
Well, look, can you tell her? Don't worry about it.
Have you seen a small boy? A small boy.
No? OK.
Thank you.
Any luck? Mark.
Hey.
How did this happen? You're his teacher.
It's Look, it's not her fault.
How is it not her fault? I'm the one supposed to be looking after him.
Yeah, you were.
And you didn't, mate.
Where the bloody hell is he? Hey.
Hey.
I don't know.
Justin.
We're wasting time.
Come on.
Let's go find him.
Oh, shit.
Did he sound OK? Yeah.
Kind of.
I don't know how he normally sounds.
Zac! I'll go this way.
Maybe he's hiding in the theatre.
Why would he do that? Remember that camping trip when he disappeared just as it was time to leave.
And we looked everywhere and we got everyone involved.
And all that time he was just hiding in our car.
That was Jacob.
Well, kids do stupid things for attention.
This is not about attention.
Zac, where are you? He'll turn up.
Oh, there's Mark.
What's that? Mark.
What's that? He he probably just took off his costume because he was itchy.
You know Zac, he's Everything makes him itchy.
I was such a bitch this morning.
Zac just wouldn't stop throwing the ball.
I told him to and he wouldn't.
And so I threw it in the bin.
He would hardly run because of that.
You don't understand.
I yelled at him.
I yelled, "I don't want to be your mummy.
" I didn't mean it.
It's not your fault.
We all say stupid things in arguments.
You know that.
Kids can be tough.
And look, as soon as we find him it will all be like it never happened and we can go back to hating each other again, I promise.
Holy shit! Do you have my ball? Zac.
Zac.
Thank you so much.
Cheers, mate.
What are you doing? Where did you go? Where did you go, hey? Hey? Don't ever do that again, you understand? Don't ever do that again, OK? OK? Are you OK? They don't look like they should be going to court.
You still upset with me? This is hardly the time to talk about it.
You made me feel like an old hen.
Oh, darl.
In my eyes you're still a spring chicken.
And you're a cock.
We have to go, Justin.
OK.
Sorry, Daddy.
Don't do that again.
OK? Stay angry, my boy.
Mark.
Are you going to court? OK.
Yeah.
Um yep.
I've just Hurry up.
Yeah.
Hello.
Rachel, look, it's Mark.
Where are you now? The pool? I'm just wondering.
Do you think we could put those clients back just for a? You can ask them yourself.
They're here now.
I'll come in as soon as I can.
Not good enough.
I'll come in as soon as I can.
All rise.
Alright.
I'm relieved to hear that we are again in possession of the child in question.
So let's proceed, hmm? I won't try to destroy this man's character.
But I am obliged to give you a clear picture as to why we find it necessary to restrict Mr Baynie's access to the children.
There were weeks when he wouldn't contact us.
Uh, I didn't know where he was.
And no-one would tell me what he was doing.
I realised, uh home wasn't safe when he physically assaulted my partner, Rodney, in front of the kids.
They should never have had to see that.
We had some drama today.
And by the end, I figured out what kind of parent Nic really is.
There was this look my son gave her when she was holding onto him.
And you could just see how much he needs her.
He knows that he can always count on her to be there for him.
And that is something I can only dream of having with him, with all my kids.
I became a dad pretty early.
You know, before my mates.
I was scared shitless.
I had no idea.
And there was no-one pointing me in the right direction.
And I stuffed up.
And because I stuffed up Give it back.
I landed myself three real mates dads, just like me real, mature role models.
Mates that I can learn from.
And what they've taught me is fatherhood doesn't need to be scary.
I mean, it can be as simple as listening to your kid's story or you know, drawing a picture with them.
You see, in my dad's time, a guy like me would have pissed off and not given a shit.
But that's not me.
I want to be in my kids' lives.
And hopefully one day, they'll need me as much as I need them.
How long does deliberation take? Can I have my phone back? You're not going back to work yet.
I know.
I just want to monitor the slow-motion train wreck that is today.
Do you think that doctor at Abi's work is hot or is he? No.
He's hot.
He's way hot.
I thought about it all again And I thought it's all the same to know How would I want you to fall? I'm sorry.
I thought about it all again And I want a settlement of sorts Well, I want to see them go by the long way home.
So, poker tonight? Indeed.
Most definitely.
Celebrating.
Mark.
You made it.
Finally, yeah.
Sorry.
Want one? Very much.
We've got two things to celebrate actually.
Really.
I pitched your idea to the client.
They loved it.
They're coming over to us.
Great.
And not just with this but with all of their accounts.
So well done there.
Wow! Must have been quite a pitch.
Oh, it was.
I'd love to tell you it's all about the idea.
But it's not.
No.
Course not.
And, um The other thing I want to celebrate? I am celebrating the fact that you have displayed to me so early on how incapable you are of doing this job.
It means I don't need to waste any more time hoping you'll step up.
Right.
Now, the only thing I need to work out is whether there's any job here for you at all.
OK.
So you're saying it hurts when I press there.
Ohh! But it's not appendix or a twisted bowel.
And I'm asking you not to check my prostate.
Hi.
Oh, we were just, um Are you OK? Look, I better leave.
No.
It's it's It's getting late.
I'll I'll call you.
Thank you so much, Jimmy.
See you.
I'll see myself out.
You didn't have to be rude.
He was helping me.
I've just had the worst possible day you can imagine.
I lost a child.
My mate lost his kids.
And I might have lost my job.
And when I get home there's my wife touching up the hottest doctor in the Southern Hemisphere.
I heard about Justin.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
And you lost your job? Maybe.
No more toilet meetings at least.
Oh, come on, babe.
I was just trying to lighten the mood.
Do you know how hard it is to get part-time work that doesn't involve designing lawn mower pamphlets? I know your job is saving lives.
So mine can never compete with that.
Where is this coming from? I had a great opportunity today, OK? But you loaded me up with all your shit and I had to be in three places at the same time.
Well, you could have said no.
You need to stand up for yourself.
I'm sorry? You need to say when things are too much.
Stop being such a yes man.
Oh, except to you.
Sometimes I need help juggling everything.
The difference is I ask for help when I need it.
No.
The difference is you'll get it.
Poppy's at Tilda's for the night.
Where are you going? Night shift.
Of course.
Abi! Abi! Need a hand? I'm sorry, hon.
It's been a hell of a day.
I mean, the whole, 'let's have another baby' thing just came out of the blue for me.
I had no idea you felt that way.
Oo-ah! Hi, baby.
You must be exhausted, are you? We're OK? Yeah.
Did you see Justin and Nicola today? They looked like they'd aged 20 years.
I do not have the nerves for another child.
It just increases your chances of something going wrong.
Every child is doing you damage I've decided.
Hey.
Hey.
Shouldn't you be cutting out moons and cows? My new friend.
Take a seat.
Thanks.
I'm trying to get drunk.
But it's not working.
I think you need tequila.
Oh, that's where I've gone wrong.
This isn't even wine, it's a spritzer with soda water.
Yeah.
That's not going to work.
You OK? I just spent the last two hours with the principal trying to explain what happened today.
Are you in trouble? The school is terrified of parents and lawyers, not to mention parents who are lawyers so they're coming down hard.
It's my fault.
No, I'm responsible for the children.
Yeah.
But I'm responsible for Zac.
Yeah.
But I'm in charge of the class.
Look at us, two overly responsible people fighting about who's to blame.
It's a personality defect.
I just wish I was one of those people that didn't care so much.
Yeah.
Me too.
Do you want another drink? No.
Too responsible.
Mmm.
I should go.
I'll walk with you.
Well, I just had the worst day in living memory if that's any consolation.
Yeah.
I still wouldn't want your job.
There may be a vacancy if you change your mind.
Oh, really? Yep.
Maybe I will.
Hey, listen.
Thank you for today, for supporting me and everything.
No worries.
If you want me to talk to that principal tomorrow, I will.
Thank you.
Hey, what's? What's your first name? Nadine.
Nadine Nadir.
I know.
My parents just weird.
Another 100.
Huh? The blinds went up five minutes ago.
Oh, sorry.
No worries.
Hey.
Deal me in.
Oh, but we just Yeah.
Let him play.
I need the competition.
Where have you been? Uh domestic issues.
I fold.
Anyone want a drink? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll have a beer, thanks.
Hey.
Tough day.
You know, you still have rights.
You can still see them.
Yeah.
Yeah, only when Nicola decides it's OK, which I'm sure will be all the time so Here.
Key to Room 4 in the pub - the best room.
Until you find somewhere else.
I don't deserve friends like you.
Friends, hey? I guess that's what we are now so Yeah.
You awake? I was a knob today.
I'm sorry.
You're my favourite husband.
I'll be nicer tomorrow, I promise.
I love you.