How to Be a Gentleman (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Andrew! Aah! Aah! What the hell! Calm down, calm down.
It's just me.
I got big news.
Is this a good time to talk? Why are you sitting in my room while I sleep? The better question is, why are you sleeping when we're going to Vegas?! Now? I like the way you're thinking, but we can't go until after Thanksgiving.
Whoa-whoa-whoa! Why are we going to Vegas? To celebrate all the progress you've made in the past few months.
You had a one-night stand, you've stood up to your boss, and you picked up a hot stripper.
I never picked up a hot stripper.
You will in Vegas! You know what? What the hell! (laughs) I'm in! Vegas, baby! Yeah, we'll go all out; we'll get a great room on the strip.
No, no, no, that's a waste of money.
We're gonna stay in a dingy motel next to the airport.
And with the extra money, we're gonna rent a Ferrari for an hour.
Doesn't that sound a little awesome? That a boy! I love that we're so on the same page about this.
Totally! Hey, you know what? We should buy fedoras and go see Cirque De Soleil.
We'll see how it goes.
American football teams have terrible names.
I mean, the Packers? What's a packer? In New Zealand, our rugby team are called the All Blacks.
Now, that's a name.
Yeah, I don't think we could name an NFL team that.
(knocking) Oh, hey, Bert! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving, Mrs.
Carlson.
(laughs) I didn't want to come empty-handed.
Oh, th oh.
I'll put those both in the freezer for you.
Hey, Bert.
So, where's Andrew? Why isn't he here yet? He's not still freaked out that I'm dating his mom, is he? Eh, a little bit, but that's not why he's late.
He said he had to baste a bird.
I assume he meant a turkey.
JANET: I hope he doesn't bring everyone down.
Last Thanksgiving, he had just broken up with Lauren, and he was a real bummer.
I love these potatoes.
Yeah? Well, don't trust them, 'cause they'll screw you over, I guarantee it.
(sighs) That girl destroyed him.
Yeah, and I fixed him.
Andrew's doing great.
(knocking) Hey! Hey.
Oh, my God, you're wearing jeans.
What's wrong? Uh, nothing.
It's just a little (coughing) cold.
Are you okay? You sound like Grandma after one of her cigars.
You should really get that checked out.
I mean, there was somebody in the office had the bird flu.
My old roommate, Jonathan, died from that.
Though to be fair, he was a a bird.
What the hell? We talked, like, a half hour ago-- you were fine.
I know, it just it just came up on me.
It's probably a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, well, you better get well quick.
Those tickets are nonrefundable.
And I care about your health.
Uh, I'll be fine.
I-I'm just gonna go home and rest.
You guys have Thanksgiving without me.
No, we can't have Thanksgiving without you.
(coughs loudly) Okay, okay.
Go now.
(continues coughing) (sighs) Ah, look at that! So, Jerry, you been dating Diane for three weeks, and you're already spending a major holiday together.
It's getting pretty serious, huh? (chuckles): No, Bert, no, it's still, you know, it's still casual.
I don't know.
It's a family holiday.
Pretty big statement.
Means you're part of the family, Uncle Jerry.
No, just Jerry, just Jerry.
Maybe-maybe the J-man after a few beers.
That's about it.
Oh, I love Thanksgiving.
To me, it's the most important holiday of the year.
Really? Thanksgiving? Gee, I don't You know, I've never really seen it as that big a deal.
You know, we don't even know that it ever actually occurred.
You know, I to me it's another random day to overeat and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Hm, no biggie.
You're not making the Thanksgiving toast.
Andrew usually makes the toast.
Just not gonna be the same without him.
Look, just 'cause Andrew's the reason we know each other doesn't mean we can't find something to talk about when he's not here.
(exhales) Ah.
I don't care if I get sick, as long as we're all together.
We just won't let him pass the food.
I just hope he's not dead from the bird flu.
I'm just saying, you know, Jonathan never saw it coming, so All right, you guys ready? Yeah.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving! Andrew? Guys.
You remember Lauren? Yeah.
I met her a month ago, at her wedding to another dude.
Yes.
Nice to see you all.
Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
Maybe I should go.
Yeah.
Good idea.
(squeaks): That'd be good.
No, you're not leaving.
E-Excuse me one second.
Oh, you're having a secret Thanksgiving with your ex-fiancée? I know it seems kind of weird, but Lauren and her husband split up a week after they got married.
And she sent me a text, I e-mailed her back, we had a few phone calls, and here we are.
This is the stupidest thing you've ever done, and you majored in botany.
I minored.
I think I'm gonna go.
I feel like I'm intruding, and, you know, Thanksgiving is really a time for families.
And for casual relationships.
I'm Jerry.
I'm Andrew's boss.
Dating his mom.
(scoffs, mumbles) I am not gonna send you back to spend Thanksgiving in a hotel room.
Andrew, can I talk to you privately? Fine, but I don't need to defend myself to you.
In my defense, we're just having a little reunion- slash-first date; it's no big deal.
Dude, she cheated on you.
I know, but she realized she made a mistake, and she's asked me to give her a second chance.
You don't give a second chance to a cheater.
A lion doesn't change its stripes.
A lion doesn't have stripes.
Yeah, but you know what does? A cheetah.
A cheetah has spots.
Look, I get it, you majored in botany, but I majored in life.
And some people, you just don't forgive.
Well, let me tell you a little story about forgiveness, Bert.
There was a guy in high school who used to beat me up every day, and now, he's one of my best friends.
You're in touch with Mark Delgreco? No, you.
You bullied me, and I gave you a second chance.
And if I hadn't have done that, we wouldn't be friends.
Come on, man, after she dumped you, you were so heartbroken you were carrying this girl's sock around.
I don't want you to make the same mistake twice.
I won't.
You know, we're just seeing where it's going.
I promise, I'm not jumping into anything.
Right now, your promises are like the Chinese letters tattooed on my back-- they mean nothing.
I think we're fine.
I got Andrew's head straight.
He's not gonna do anything rash.
You don't know Lauren.
She has a way of working her way into Andrew's brain and taking over.
She's like a river parasite.
(whispering): Oh, you get those in the Amazon.
They get right up your urethra and spread their wings.
Best thing you can hope for is a quick death.
I thought you all used to like her.
Until she cheated on Andrew; now we hate her.
MIKE: Looking back, she was manipulative.
She could make him do anything.
Oh (gasps): Remember that ponytail? Oh, the ponytail.
Hey! Oh, hey, strangers! Hey! Hi! Haven't seen you guys in a while.
What have you been up to? Not much, just loving this girl.
Hey.
She convinced him to grow a David Beckham-style ponytail because she was into David Beckham.
It did not look like David Beckham's ponytail.
Well, it's tacky but harmless.
The restaurant wasn't harmless.
So, Lauren had this incredible idea.
No, you had the idea.
Sorry, I had the idea for Lauren and me to open a health food restaurant.
Wait, so you're leaving your job for her? No, not for her.
For me.
Yeah.
We're gonna call it Lauren's.
But, in fairness to her, they didn't go through with that plan.
Because she cheated on him and broke his heart.
Well, on the bright side, he lost the ponytail.
Well, don't worry about her.
After three days in Vegas with me, he won't even remember the name Lauren.
You think you're still going to Vegas? You are so naive.
What's that supposed to mean? Lauren knows you don't want her getting back together with Andrew, so she's gonna convince him not to go to Vegas and make him think it was his idea.
Well, you know what? There's a new Lauren in town, and her name is Bert.
All right, turkey time.
ALL: Hey! Who'd like to make a toast? You know, I'd like to, uh, say, uh, something.
I would like to say just how thankful I am to be in this new relationship with Diane, which it just happens to be coinciding with this, you know, major holiday.
You know, could have been anything at all.
Could have been Veteran's Day.
You know, there's a lot of holidays.
It's hard to miss them, really.
So, there you go Amen.
Nice toast, Uncle Jerry.
Seriously, just Jerry.
Uh, you know what? I'm thankful to the Carlsons for allowing me to spend Thanksgiving with your family.
And I'm thankful I'm not done yet.
And Andrew.
I'm really thankful you're giving me a second chance, and I hope this is the first of many holidays that we get to spend together.
Aww.
Booo.
And I'm thankful that Andrew and I are going to Vegas tomorrow.
To celebrate how much he's moved on in the past year.
Oh, you guys are going to Vegas? Yeah, you have a problem with Vegas? No, I love Vegas.
Where are you staying? A little motel next to the airport, near a place where we can fire machine guns at old appliances.
It was gonna be a surprise.
Well, why aren't you staying on the strip? Uh, Bert wanted to save money.
Well, you can get a great deal on a hotel on the strip.
Plus, you get to go to a spa.
We're not going to a spa.
I love a good salt scrub.
If you want to go to a spa, there's a great one that opened up right here in Evanston.
No, we're not going to Evanston.
I like that it's local.
No, we're going to Vegas to rent a Ferrari, and, time permitting, blow up an old washing machine.
Well, if Bert doesn't want to go to the spa with you, I'll go.
You know, we could go this weekend, and get a couple's massage.
I don't know, that sounds a little awesome, yes.
Bert, we can do Vegas another time? It's not really going anywhere right? Looks like the parasite has spread her wings.
Hey, chief, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I don't like what this girl is doing to you.
Is this about Vegas? We can go another time.
No, it's not just about Vegas.
I'm afraid she's gonna make you do something stupid.
Will you relax? I told you, I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
What the hell is that on the back of your head? Oh, Lauren thought it looked good.
Little David Beckham thing going on.
Yeah, I can see that.
Honey, you want to get a breath of fresh air? Uh, I think it's cold outside.
You like the cold.
I do.
Okay.
Andrew has completely lost his mind.
She's got him growing a baby ponytail.
Well, it's only gonna get bigger and bigger until he starts stroking it.
I told you this girl's got a crazy hold on him.
I've never seen anything like it.
I have; every guy has one girl he can't give up.
Mine was Sheila.
We dated about a year ago.
She was awful.
We fought constantly about everything.
She made me feel like crap about myself.
Man, did I love her.
Getting over her was one of the hardest things I ever did.
So, how did you do it? Took a lot of time and a lot of Scotch, and a tattoo from Chinatown I was told meant "forget.
" How is this supposed to help Andrew? Easy.
I'm gonna fight crazy with crazy.
Yeah.
Good plan.
You don't know what he's talking about, do you? Yeah.
He's-he's gonna grow a ponytail.
Rugby is very simple.
A maul is where more than two players are huddled around the ball carrier, but only if the ball is kept off the ground.
If the ball hits the ground, then the group of players are called a ruck.
A ruck, all right.
Now, the most important principles or rucks and mauls are they have to watch out for these sidelines, which are imaginary.
I'm gonna go listen to Janet rant about Lauren.
(knocking on door) I got it, I got it.
It's Sheila.
Look, if anything weird happens, I want you to open this envelope.
How will I know if something weird happens? Trust me, you'll know.
Hello, Sheila.
Hello, Bert.
You look good.
I do.
I can't believe you called me on Thanksgiving.
You're lucky my boyfriend was with his wife.
Yeah, well, I need you to do me a favor.
I need you to act like we're in a relationship.
(laughs): Why? You didn't act like we were in a relationship when we were in a relationship.
What are you talking about? I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
I treated you like a queen.
You told your father that I was the live-in maid.
Yeah, well, he would have believed it, too, if you ever picked up after yourself.
Can't go two seconds without picking a fight.
You know what? I don't want to get back together.
Me neither, I just want you to act like we're together so my buddy can see what a bad relationship looks like.
Oh, yeah? What's in it for me? I let you keep my mother's earrings that you said you lost, but are currently wearing.
Fine.
Hey, Bert.
Hey.
Who's your, uh, friend? This is Sheila.
Her and I go way back.
Don't touch me! (laughs): And then this one here, she lights my clothes on fire.
Hold on, hold on.
I accidentally spilled vodka in your laundry basket.
And I may have dropped in a cigarette.
And the most shocking part of the story was she wasted vodka.
You know, I think that was the night that I slept with your roommate.
Ah, well, thank you, Sheila, for that charming holiday story.
Bert, can I talk to you for one second? Sure.
I'll be right back.
Don't stare at my ass.
Oh, what ass? Okay, what's going on? What's with the drunken fire starter out there? She's an ex-girlfriend, and I'm thinking about getting back with her like you did with Lauren.
What are you doing? I'm trying to show you what a bad relationship looks like.
Lauren's got you cancelling Vegas.
She's got you wearing a ponytail.
Lauren says I look like David Beckham.
You look Martina Navratilova.
This girl is undoing everything we've done.
What exactly is she undoing, huh? Going to Vegas and renting a Ferrari for an hour? Yeah, and shooting appliances.
Don't forget about the appliances.
So, maybe I'm not the kind of guy that should be doing stuff like that.
It's more than just shooting stuff and driving fast, I'm helping you become your own man.
Well, guess what? This man is going out there to hang with that girl.
You're not a gentleman! I beg your pardon, sir? A gentleman would never run around with another man's wife.
Nice try, but Tom and Lauren split up, okay? Yeah, because of a speech you made at their wedding.
The Andrew I know would never destroy another man's life.
You know what? You're right.
Yeah, you're damn straight.
About what exactly? I need to go to Tom's house and apologize to him face to face.
No, no.
That's gonna get a gentleman's ass kicked.
I'm sorry, Bert.
I have to handle this like a man.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get some ice cream.
You like frozen yogurt.
I do like frozen yogurt.
I'm gonna get that.
Where are you going? I'm going out! Just remember, if he goes to hit you, punch him in the nuts and run away.
Hey, I know how to fight.
(doorbell rings) Tom.
(chuckles awkwardly): Ah, ooh, Tom.
Andrew, what are you doing here? Putting things right.
You know, there's a time in a man's life, when the world turns against him, and he must look to his inner strength.
What the hell are you talking about? Lauren leaving you.
Lauren didn't leave me.
She's visiting her sick aunt, down in Memphis.
Mm, I don't think so.
She called me from there a few minutes ago.
Where's Lauren? Hey, what's going on? Where's the frozen yogurt? I just paid a visit to Tom.
He thinks you're at your sick aunt's house in Memphis.
Yes, I knew it! I mean, I'm sorry, but I did know it.
Let me explain.
I just wanted to make sure that you and I had a future together before I broke things off with Tom.
And the good news is that I'm very close to deciding.
Well, let me help you out; we're done.
I don't need you to tell me who I am anymore, because I know who I am.
I'm a guy who's going to Vegas tomorrow to drive a Ferrari for an hour while shooting a machine gun out the window.
You can't do those things at the same time, I looked into it.
Andrew, you don't want to do this.
Actually, I really, really do.
So, have a good night.
And a pleasant holiday season.
Lauren wait.
Yes? Think this belongs to you.
I am really sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
I mean, not about losing the ponytail.
That just looked douchey.
Hey, Lauren, are you gonna finish? Where's Lauren? She left; she's still married to Tom.
Oh, damn, she's only halfway through with my hair.
Why do we keep letting her hurt us? I'm sorry, Bert.
I should have trusted you.
Ah, it's not your fault.
Some women have an unexplainable hold on men.
Oh, what do you know about that? I'll show you what I know about that.
Whoa! What the hell? That's nasty.
Make it stop.
I thought you just brought her here to prove a point? Yeah, I did, but seeing her again brought back all those feelings.
I think she may be the one.
Oh, I'll give you the one.
Okay, okay, come on.
Guys! Seriously, really, okay? You know, people just ate.
Yeah, show a little respect for once in your life.
Oh, you know what? I'm out of here.
I never want to see you again.
Yeah, me neither.
Be back in an hour.
Make it 45 minutes.
And get your razor, 'cause I'm gonna shave you head to toe and do you dolphin style.
She's great, right? So, Mike gave me this note that says you need to watch this DVD.
I don't need to watch the DVD.
Yeah, the note says you'd say that.
Bert, if you're watching this video, that means you got back together with Sheila.
You idiot! SHEILA: Don't hide from me, Bert.
That was a different time in my life.
I've changed.
Don't think you've changed.
Wow, I really know me.
She's crazy, Bert.
Get out while you can.
(door opens) SHEILA: Oh, there you are.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Wow.
She's nuts.
And she's gonna be back in ten minutes.
Oh, God.
What do we do? BOTH: Vegas!