Hunderby (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

1 (MOANS) (SIGHS) Oh, Geoff.
(CHANTING) Here we are.
Ooh! EDMUND: What a pleasant little chamber! I confess, I've never in my life been up here.
Oh, I should much prefer to stay in my own room.
Your labour agonies would disturb Master Edmund.
Mmm.
But I'm not due for some 12 weeks.
(LOUD MOANING) What is that? Most likely moths, ma'am, preparing their supper.
(CHUCKLES) Do hope you will not take offence at every little sound, ma'am.
(CHUCKLES) Or perhaps you would have me personally silence every insect in the land? Could perhaps do with a clean.
Shall we throw out these rags? Tis a bonnet I knitted for the newborn, sir.
A bonnet? But it would cover the face! No one wants to look at a newborn, sir, except perhaps the mother and Often she would rather eat it.
My old rompy for bab to do his stretches.
And I have knitted baby a a riding suit.
Will it be riding straight away? All being well, sir.
Oh! (CRUMHORN PLAYING) Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son john Went to bed with his trousers on One shoe off and one shoe on Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son john (DOROTHY SIGHS) Tis just like old times, sir.
just yourself and myself.
And should, God forbid, Mistress Helene pass away during childbirth, I would be willing to bring baby up as my own.
Is she likely to perish? (INHALES) Sometimes when a woman tears, it does not stop at the belly and splits right up to the face until she breaks in two like a ladybird.
Oh, goodness! -Bubbly milk top-up, sir? -Yes, please.
You may recall, sir, your mother's will stated that, um, Mistress Helene birth a child within the year.
(SLURPS) And that date is nigh, she's but six months gone.
What of it? Well, it would seem Mistress Helene might be best off birthing early, sir.
Well, let us pray for such a timely deliverance.
-Orencourage it.
(CHUCKLES) -Hmm.
There are ways of persuading the womb to splay, sir.
Please.
Spare me the details of my wife's glossy prolapses.
Hmm.
Good God.
God! Geoff? Oh.
''Dear Brother Edmund, holy greetings from the tropics.
''Please accept my gift, a small token of Fijian friendship.
''He answers to Ned.
'' Ned? ''Perhaps he will fill the void left by Geoff's (INHALES DEEPLY) ''sudden execution.
Warmest regards, Brother joseph.
'' Oh.
(EDMUND GASPS) (SOBS) (INHALING DEEPLY) -Graham, I -Ah! Yes, I I was just mopping the bureau.
I I spilled some juice.
Are you mopping with my bockers or sniffing them? Yes, sorry, I wondered whether they needed a wash.
(INHALES) (SOFTLY) Oh, God.
These are Mistress Helene's! Are they? Really? Goodness! Well, they must have fallen into my case when last I examined her.
How careless, I shall return them at once.
That will not be possible.
No.
Of course.
For she has gone to Fiji.
No.
No.
By all accounts Mistress Helene has let herself go of late and she is now too fat to travel.
-Too fat to travel? -Or receive visitors.
Too fat to receive visitors? Graham, please.
Throw them on the fire.
You want me to toss the bockers? Yes.
Fennel, there we are.
-Have you the anus funnel? -Oh, yes.
-Lovely.
-I brought my own big one.
Oh! Oh, that needs a wipe.
And thread and needle for sewing up her torn nethers.
Hmm.
BIDDY: My girls always seem to split from belly to back -when I force them out early.
-Hmm.
-Probably best off cutting her first.
-Oh, yes, yes.
Now the time has come for bab To burst your sac and doff his cap A boom, babby-babby boom-babby He's broken your keg A boom, babby-babby boom-babby His face 'tween your legs Now, this binding will prevent you from punching baby in the face when he first appears.
(GROANS) But I would not Once taken, this draught will push babby out in a day or so.
No, please, I beg you.
Tis not time.
Sometimes nature needs a helping hand, mistress.
-No, please.
-Yes.
Drink up, mistress.
-No.
Please.
No.
(SCREAMS) -Drink up now.
Drink up.
-(SCREAMING) -Good girl.
That's it.
(CHOKES, SPUTTERS) (COUGHS) (TAMBOURINE jINGLES) (GASPS) Very good.
Very good.
-(jINGLES TAMBOURINE) -Ooh! Excuse me.
Dinner is most tardy tonight.
Thursday's partridge.
Crispy potties.
You like thatsort of thing? Crispy? They won't burn, Graham! -Why won't they burn? -Hush-ho, wife.
Hush-a-hey-ho.
Oh, Hesther.
Forgive me! Forgive me! I make unto you a new and heartfelt vow to be a most pure and devoted husband.
-Oh, Graham.
-I was a blind fool! (CRYING) Stumbling through the darkness.
But like a finger of sun doth your love poke my fog.
(SIGHS) And now I do see anew.
Oh, Hesther.
(GASPS) Let us begin again.
Oh, Graham.
-I love thee.
-And I Sorry, sir.
But Mistress Helene She's having your baby, sir.
(THUDS) BIDDY: Well, I've never seen that happen before.
Oh, she's foaming, Biddy.
I can only think I overdone the wormwood.
-Well, can it be undone? -Uh, not really, no.
(KNOCKS) -EDMUND: Dorothy? -(DOOR OPENS) -Ah, you are here! -Yes, sir.
-Is there something you required, sir? -Well, yes, my dinner.
-At what time exactly will it be served? -Um, 8:00, sir.
It's a quarter after.
My stomach is growling like a bassoon.
-Is it partridge and potties? -Yes, sir.
It is partridge Do we have any coconuts, please? -I think not, sir.
-(HELENE GROANS) Is that my wife, Dorothy? Uh, yes, we are just now engaged in delivering the child, sir.
Indeed.
Should the mother not be rather more awake? She preferred to sleep through it, sir.
She appears to be bubbling.
Tis just the birthing foam.
As the womb explodes, it sends forth a juice that, um, washes the entire length of a woman's insides and then, um, -cleans her teeth.
-(MOANING) What's that? just foxes, sir.
They do dance when they're angry.
(CHOKING) I think you might want to fetch the doctor.
There's no need.
But we had best attend the birth, sir.
I would urge you please to leave.
-Supper will be straight after.
-It is partridge and potties? It's partridge and potties and a big, boozy trifle.
-It is partridge and potties? -It's partridge and potties, sir.
Very well, if I'm not dead of famine, please give word when the child is out -and, um, decent.
-Yes, I will.
(CHOKING AND GASPING) Here, try a parsley poultice.
Oh.
Would you like some cheese to tide you over? Hmm? Do you like that sort of thing? Cheesy? (KNOCKING) (KNOCKING) I would ask that you hand me that key.
You'll have to come and get it first, sir.
Oh, dear God.
(GASPS) (GASPS) (RIPS) (GASPS) How came you by this mark? I have it from birth but Dear God, what have you done to her? Oh, Graham, you came for me? Hush-ho, my love.
Hush-a-hey-ho I love thee.
Dirty birds.
I have seen this mark on another only once before.
On a baby boy I birthed some 30 year ago.
You? A mother? -You were raped? -Yes.
-How did you know? -Well The assault left me with child.
Twin childs.
A boy and a girl.
The boy was settled with a well-to-do couple and the girl abandoned to an orphanage.
And the blackguard who assaulted you.
Did he hang? -(INHALES) He did not.
-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) DOROTHY: This is the blackguard.
His mother brought me to him as a plaything to stoke his desires, for she feared his proclivities.
MATHILDE: This is Dorothy Mellis.
Pleased to make your acquaintance, sir.
DOROTHY: Your dear dead mother introduced some form of aphrodisiac to your drink.
-Perhaps the dose was wrong -(EDMUND GROANING) but you ravished me piteously.
(EDMUND GROANING) Too low-born to carry the Suffolk-Ffinch name, a sum was paid to my family to placate them.
I entered Mistress Mathilde's employ as housekeeper and my children were given away.
Mother gave them a chance at happiness.
The Digby-Chases were a fine family.
Did you just say Digby-Chase? Most respectable professionals.
All doctors! But that was my My mother was widowed and remarried a Foggerty.
But before that, her name was -Father? -Son? -Mother.
-(GASPS) Wait.
Wait.
You said the girl child, she went to an orphanage? Yes.
Tell me it was not Priory Manor? It was! -Brother! -Sister? EDMUND: Daughter? -And wife? -(MOANS LOUDLY) Oh, nay, nay, it cannot be, for the girl child had the vestige of a tail.
A tail, you say? Did itpoke from her spine? About yea long? And waggle as would an angry finger? Hesther Show them your tail.
(SCREAMING) (HELENE SCREAMING) EDMUND: Hmm.
But he's the very image of We must send word to the notary immediately that a child has been born and in the allotted time.
Something is not right here.
Is this my son or no? Or is this my son? Or is this my son's son and thus my grandson.
Confound this mess! I do wonder, Dorothy, that you've chosen this moment to let discretion slip.
-(BABY CRYING) -Oh, he's hungry, poor little mite.
Come here, come here.
Let Dorry feed him.
That's it.
I shall feed him.
-No, no, please.
-DOROTHY: There we are.
(BABY SUCKLING) That's it.
I've always oozed a snowy broth.
Happy to let the little fellow sup.
Surely that is a condition.
Since birthing my twins, my breasts have never ceased pumping their creamy brew.
You know how you've always enjoyed your bubbly milk.
Ye gads! (CREAKING ABOVE) What is that noise? Most likely baboons caught in the chimney.
I think it not baboo (ALL GASPING) (MOANING) (GASPS) Oh, my Lord! Tis Mistress Arabelle.
Why? She was barren.
Unable to provide an heir, Mother Mathilde had me say she had passed and lock her away.
I have tended to her these past three years.
She's eaten nothing but eggs.
She's not quite as I imagined.
Graham! His condition is grave.
(CRYING) Graham! Helene! I thought Father and I might join you.
If we may?