iCarly s01e08 Episode Script

Class was so boring.
How would you know? You were asleep the whole time.
Then I guess I dreamed class was boring.
Well, your dream came true.
Hey, guess what I got from the audio visual department.
That's so amazing! Awesome.
That's awesome! It's incredible! - We don't know what it is.
Nope.
- Not a clue.
And don't care.
It's called a green screen.
We can use it for special effects on iCarly.
You guys stand in front of it, and I have this software that can make it any kind of background we want.
So you could make it look like we were in a snow storm, - or standing on the moon or something? - Exactly.
Can you make it look like I'm standing on your face? Must you always attack me with words? You want me to use rocks? - Hey, guys! - Hi, Tareen.
- Man.
- Hi, Tareen.
You'll never guess who I saw at the Cuddlefish concert last night.
Who'd you see at the concert? Our history teacher, Mr Stern! Look, I got a picture of him at the concert.
Look at it.
Look at the phone.
Are you looking at it? - Yes.
We're looking.
- We see.
- That's Mr Stern? - Is he wearing shorts? - Teachers shouldn't wear shorts.
- No.
It looks like he's stage diving.
He was! It was insane! I still can't believe it and I'm the one who took the picture with my cell phone.
Can you believe Mr Stern was at the concert? I can't! I gotta go.
I like Tareen but after she talks to me I feel like I need a nap.
I can't believe Mr Stern would go to a concert.
Yeah, you don't really think about teachers having lives outside of school.
I always thought they just locked them up in the teachers' lounge at night.
Hey! Get to class! You, stop laughing! I said get to class! Respect the bullhorn.
That Ms Briggs is a joy, isn't she? I wonder what she does when she's not in school.
She probably spits on puppies.
Hey, you, get to class.
Hey, that could be a really cool idea for our web show.
We spit on puppies? I meant we could do a whole segment on what mean teachers do when they're not in school.
- Nice.
- I love her brain.
My brain says thanks.
Come on! Keep going! Move! So, how do we do this? We follow Ms Briggs around after school, you know, with a video camera and just see what she does.
And what if she's boring? Yeah, what if she's not mean? Ms Briggs, I picked you an orange from my mother's tree.
I hate citrus fruit.
Now get to class! I'm thinking she'll be mean.
In five, four, three, two I know, you see Somehow the world will change for me.
And be so wonderful Live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there And feel so wonderful It's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel So wake up the members of my nation It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see The brighter side of every situation Some things are meant to be So give your best and leave the rest to me Leave it all to me Leave it all to me Just leave it all to me iCarly S01E08 iSpy Mean Teacher Okay, inside this box is a new piece of technological equipment - that's gonna blow you guys away.
- What is it? You bought yourself a robot girlfriend? I don't need a robot girlfriend cause 20 years from now, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.
-What happened to my first husband? -Nothing you can prove.
Just show us what's in the box before I get bored and leave.
There's nothing boring about being able to videotape Ms Briggs - with no chance of her finding out.
- What'd you get? A teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie.
Yeah, who wouldn't that fool? It looks real.
Yes, a real gigantic piece of plastic pie with a camera lens on the side.
- Look, it comes with a giant fork.
- Give it! This is a quality piece of spy equipment.
My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that and they're ridiculous.
I really don't think you're gonna fool anyone with that thing.
You don't? Where's Spencer? Downstairs with some girl he's been going out with.
B.
R.
B.
- Come on, please? - No.
- Pretty please? - No, Spencer.
-Pretty please with sugar on top? -I'm diabetic, and I said no.
- I'll be your best buddy.
- All right.
Yes! That is Don't mind me.
I'm just a guy having some pie.
Hey, is that one of those pie spy video cameras? No, it is not.
Yeah! They were talking about those on the Food Channel.
Or was it the Spy Channel? You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything.
-But there's a big lens on the side.
-Just forget it! Two hours of boring.
I think we've learned what mean teachers do when they're not at school.
Yep.
Nothing interesting enough to put in our webcast.
Nope.
Hey, hey, she's opening her door.
She's just taking out her trash.
Hey! Go away! Get out of here! It's just a bee.
You don't understand! I'm extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie! That is a stupid bee.
- Where are you going? - I can't get stung! Are you insane? Get out of Ms Briggs' apartment.
You can't just Get away! It's a fake pie.
Can't you see the big lens on the side? It's a fake pie! Come on, we can't stay in here.
If Ms Briggs catches us, we're dead.
- Let's go.
- No.
That bee's still out there and by now he knows my pie was fake.
He's gonna be madder than ever.
Here she comes.
Go in there.
Sorry! - Now what do we do? - Shh.
I'm thinking.
You know, this might not be so bad.
Just you and me.
Together.
Alone.
Okay, we are in a serious situation here.
This is no time for you to bust a move.
- Sorry.
- We cannot let Ms Briggs find us.
Well, maybe we can wait until she goes into another room.
- Then we can make a run for it.
- Maybe.
Now - What's she doing? - You don't wanna know.
- Hey, thanks for doing this.
- No prob.
How come you're not hanging with Carly and Freddie? A person can only take so much Freddie.
How come you didn't ask your new girlfriend to model for you? I broke up with Connie.
I found out she was juggling for other guys.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, it hurt.
So, how do I be a sculpture model? You just sit over there and do nothing.
Cool, just like school.
Yes! So many leg lifts.
I think I found the light switch.
Shut the door.
- Freddie? - Yeah? Am I hallucinating or are we surrounded by Why does Ms Briggs have all this stuff? I don't know.
I guess if you're gonna be obsessed with an American Idol judge, you might as well pick one that's firm but fair.
Yeah, dawg, you did your thing.
Do you want Ms Briggs to hear us? Randy said it, not me! She's coming.
Hide.
That was hot, yo.
Please be quiet, Randy Jackson.
Good afternoon, Randy Jackson.
You are looking spiffy today.
Now, is there something you'd like to say to me? Yeah, we got us a hot one tonight, baby.
Oh, R.
J.
You know, I just finished my workout.
Would you like to see how toned my glutes are? So this is seriously the first time you've ever modelled for a sculpture? - First time.
How am I doing? - Good.
- Can I sneak a peek? - Yeah, sure, why not? - Spencer.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's a fish.
Yeah.
A tuna.
Or I suppose you could argue it's a trout, you know cause of the way his lips curl up right here I thought you were sculpting me for the past three hours.
Well, I started off sculpting you.
But then I started thinking about aquariums and he happened.
- Then why am I still here? - I get lonely.
- What? - Sam, listen.
Freddie and I are stuck hiding in a closet in Ms Briggs' apartment.
Really? That's some nutty stuff.
- Will you just get over here? - On my way.
Sam's on her way.
And will you quit eating the Randy-Yos.
No way! She's torturing Carly and Freddie? Freddie, you're so stupid.
Bagpipes? This is torture.
- Sam? - Yeah.
Where are you? I'm right outside on the patio.
What's the plan, man? Okay.
You call Ms Briggs and keep her distracted on the phone while Freddie and I sneak out the front door.
One distraction coming up.
Give me 60 seconds, then go for the door.
See you on the outside.
Briggs.
Hello, ma'am.
Have you purchased any suspicious milk lately? Suspicious milk? Who is this? This is Agent Mick Muffen with the Federal Bureau of Milk.
- The FBM? - Sure.
See, there've been some reports of counterfeit milk and other dairy products in the Seattle area.
Sweet mother, I just bought a tub of dingleberry yogurt yesterday.
It's okay, ma'am.
Just remain calm and proceed to your refrigerator.
Of course.
Moron.
It's been 60 seconds.
Let's make our move and get out of here.
Wait.
Okay, ready.
What'd you put in your pocket? Randy Jackson cologne? Why do you want this? 'Cause, "It smells tight, Dawg.
" The milk smells just fine to me.
Are you sure there's a dairy problem? You're losing precious time! I've already checked my milk and the tub of yogurt.
Yeah, but you better inspect that cottage cheese on the top shelf.
All right, but I don't see why How did you know my cottage cheese was on the top shelf? Cause I'm a professional, ma'am.
Don't go near your patio door! There's a dairy monster on the loose and you don't wanna see what.
.
Busted.
Now get inside.
- I can explain.
- I'm sure you can.
I can.
See, I'm doing a school project on how ladies react when they think their dairy products are not Freddie! Surprise! Yeah! Happy birthday, Ms Briggs! Let's sing her a public domain birthday song! For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow It's not my birthday! Oops.
Then we better go.
Come on, kids.
Stop! Happy Hanukkah? Kwanza? I'm sorry I tripped on your bagpipes.
- Are they okay? - No! He dented my blow stick and punctured my squeeze bag.
Freddy'll pay to have your bagpipes fixed.
And you think that'll get the three of you out of trouble? Well, we were kind of hoping.
I don't think so.
Breaking into a teacher's home damaging property impersonating a dairy agent.
I could have you expelled.
I might even call the police.
Or you could just let us run away, while you angrily shake your fist in the air and scream You rotten kids Look, Ms Briggs, we never meant to sneak into your house.
Then explain why you did.
Well, we were videotaping you for our web show to sort of see what teachers are like when they're not in school.
Your web show, iCarly.
I've seen it.
It's nothing more than mucus in the nose of the digital age.
Did she just call our show a booger? ICarly's great.
Thousands of people watch it every week.
- Thousands? - That's a pretty big booger.
Well, since you're so interested in showing your viewers what teachers do outside of school, I think I have a solution that will benefit us all.
What solution? I won't suspend you from school, or call the police if you let me perform an original bagpipe song on your web show.
You wanna be on iCarly? - Just call the cops on us.
- Sam.
Why would you even want to be on our show? Because I see this as a great opportunity to show the world some culture.
To teach young people about fine music.
Don't do it, Carls.
She's not even playing yet and I'm already bored out of my mind.
- Look, Ms Briggs, I - Put me on your webcast, or I will have you suspended for breaking into my house.
And I will file a report with the Seattle Police Department.
Your choice.
In five, four, three, two Hey, there.
Welcome to iCarly.
- I'm Sam.
- I'm Carly.
- Blah, blah.
- Blah, blah.
Hey! Just read the introduction I gave you! Tonight on iCarly, instead of the worthless trash we usually do here, please prepare to enjoy some fine music, played on the bagpipes by Ms Francine Briggs.
- Oops, wrong button.
- Give me that.
And now, here she is, playing an original song she composed herself, called "Haggis and Moonlight.
" Please welcome the lovely and talented Ms Francine Briggs.
Thank you.
And now for some real enriching entertainment.
This is so horrible.
Well, maybe we don't have that big of an audience tonight.
Sorry.
Look.
Whoa! All those people are streaming us right now? Biggest audience we've ever had.
Yeah, and they all want us to be out there doing something funny.
- Hey, hey, look at that.
- Why's the number dropping? Cause people are turning us off.
We've lost over 10% of our audience in less than two minutes.
This is a disaster.
Do you know how hard we worked to get that audience? And Briggs is gonna ruin it in one night.
Look.
Already 20% of our audience, gone.
Man, this webcast is suckish.
I'd rather watch you.
Yeah.
Go balls, go! How long is this song? I don't even think it's half over.
Well, we've almost lost over half of our viewers.
We gotta do something.
- What? What do you want? - The green screen.
- What about the green screen? - Do you have it set up? Yeah, but I haven't tried it yet.
I was gonna test it this week and - Test it now.
- Or I'll test it now.
He'll test it now.
Hey! Watch me juggle.
No way, baby.
This iCarly web show is hilarious.
She's completely unaware of the changing backgrounds! - We're getting the audience back.
- Yeah! Hit me.
Thank you.
- Your song's over? - Do another one.
- Yeah.
Come on, Ms Briggs! - Let's do this, come on! All right.
Hey, there's Ms Briggs.
Ms Briggs, live in person.
Thank you.
Thank you, all.
You see? That silly comedy you girls do is no match for my true musical artistry.
You are so right.
Thank you for teaching us that important lesson.
Certainly.
Freddie.
- You smell delightful.
- Thanks, Ms Briggs.
Randy Jackson cologne? It smells tight, dawg.
- Hey! - You there! You wanna see us do stuff you can't see anywhere else? - Do you? - I think they do.
Then go online to iCarly.
com.
Yeah! Go to iCarly.
com.
Once you get to iCarly.
com, you can see me and Carly And Freddie and Spencer do all kinds of wacky fun stuff.
You know you like wacky fun stuff.
So go online to iCarly.
com.
And see stuff you can't see anywhere else.
- Only at iCarly.
com.
- So go there.
- Do it.
- Seriously.