In Living Color (1990) s01e08 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody here is equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color [Applause, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen, uh, Ebony, uh, Townsend.
[Cheering, Applause.]
Uh, who the hell are you, man? Who's askin'? Thanks for standing in for me, Daddy.
You got it, baby.
Don't shake it too hard.
I'll see you later, Keenen.
How about a hand for my Fly Guy.
All right.
Hello.
Thank you.
Welcome to the party.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
This is In Living Color.
- Good to have y'all here tonight.
Yeah.
- [Applause.]
We got a fun show lined up as usual, so sit back, relax.
Before I get started, say hello to my D.
J.
.
.
S.
W.
One.
[Cheering, Applause.]
You all need to stop that, 'cause I gotta take him home later.
.
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and he's gonna be souped up and just not good.
Say hello to the Fly Girls, starting over here with Dee.
.
.
Carrie Ann, Lisa,Michelle and Cari.
Yeah.
We'll be back in a few.
Yo, big head, kick it.
You can do what you wanna do - In living color - In living color [Man.]
Ladies and gentlemen,the president of the United States.
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JesseJackson.
Good evenin' and thank ya.
.
.
ladies and gentlemen of the press.
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my fellow Americans, brothers and sisters.
Welcome to the last press conference of my presidency.
Now, few people thought eight years ago.
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that a poor boy from the Carolinas.
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could go from the outhouse to the White House.
From eatin' in cheap joints to talkin' toJoint Chiefs.
From nibblin' on jalapeños, to meetin' with the Filipinos.
Yeah.
Hip-hop, you don't stop rockin' to the bang, bang, boogie, the beat.
Now.
.
.
I know that you all have deadlines, so I won't keep you.
I'll open the floor to questions.
[Reporters.]
Mr.
President! As the first Black president, did you ever fear an attempt on your life? Well, my administration did fear assassination.
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either by strangulation, decapitation.
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or drivin' through the South without identification.
So, I took several precautions to ensure my safety.
One was to increase the size of the security.
And I thank Eddie Murphy for loaning me Big Fruity and Ray.
I also, as all of my predecessors have.
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kept Dan Quayle as a vice president.
- Next.
- Uh, Mr.
President, what would you say.
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were the most important accomplishments of your eight years in office? Well, my administration.
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was responsible for much, much legislation.
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though it took a lot of perspiration.
But the one act that I feel most proud of.
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is theJackson Limitation Act.
As all of you know, that is the bill that bans all performances.
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.
by LaToya or TitoJackson.
Mr.
President.
- Brother President.
- Yes, call meJesse.
Do you feel that you have kept all of your promises to the American people? Well, I most certainly have tried.
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and do feel that I have.
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kept the most important promise to the American people.
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which is to keep hope alive.
Would you elaborate on that, please? Yes, I can.
May I have your attention, please? - As you can see.
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.
- [Reporters.]
Ahh! Bob Hope has been frozen solid.
And our scientists believethat he can be kept alive.
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for at least another 100 years.
That is all the time I have, so I ask that you will, please.
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one last time, join hands with me and say, "Keep Hope alive.
" [All Chanting.]
Keep Hope alive! Keep Hope alive! [Man.]
They sing with more scatsthan Ella, more rips than Luther.
These R&B sensations throw in more vocalgimmicks than any other singers in history.
They're the king and queen of Max Stop Music.
.
.
Cephus and Reesie Mayweather.
- [Singing.]
- She said mulberry.
- [Singing.]
- Look out, monkey.
[Singing.]
- That's a little bitty weasel.
- [Singing.]
And what they done did? What they say? Here we go! [Singing.]
[Continues, Indistinct.]
[Man.]
They performed beforethe crowned heads of Nebraska.
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and now they will sing for youon this new K-Pell album "We Tight.
" The Mayweathers can take any songand give it that special touch.
Look up in the sky-ra, baby.
Ain't that a star-a? - This for you.
- Oh, no! [Singing.]
- [Singing.]
- What you wonder? [Singing.]
I've been hangin' around waitin' on my baby [Man.]
You'll also get allof Cephus and Reesie's greatest hit.
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the number-one song in the tristate areafor almost a week and a half.
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.
"We Tight.
" Yeah, we tight Tight as 10 toes in a sock We tight Tight as West Coast mountain high - Robot! - If you act now.
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you'll also receive this special bonus.
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your very own10-carat gold-plated tooth cap.
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just like the oneCephus and Reesie wear.
Just send $ 11 in cash to: And get all of the Cephusand Reesie you can stand.
[Together.]
We tight [Fanfare.]
Welcome back.
I'm Alan Thicke.
.
.
sittin' in forJohnny Carson.
Because everyone knows at this point another Carson impression.
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would be totally passé.
Ed won't be here tonight either.
He woke up with the head of a Clydesdale in his bed.
I guess when you're in between marriages, you'll bring home anything.
[Rim Shot.]
[Laughs.]
All right.
Our next guest is Joan Embry from the San Diego Anthropological Institute.
As you know, Joan is always bringing with her.
.
.
strange and exotic inhabitants of the planet.
And tonight she's bringing us an endangered species.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcomeJoan Embry.
[Applause, Cheering.]
- Hi, Joan.
- Hi, Alan.
- He's beautiful.
- Yes, he is.
This is Calvin.
He's a Homeboy-sapien africanus.
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or "B-Boy" as they're known in the neighborhood.
Is he able to walk? Oh, yes, he walks, but, you see, these are new sneakers.
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and they don't like to crease them.
I see.
And what is he doing now? This is what they call "chillin'," Alan.
Well, it is kind of cold in the studio today.
Oh, no, no, not that kind of chillin'.
He's just relaxing.
.
.
- and getting used to his environment.
- I see.
Yo, just 'cause you're livin' large with crazy bank and stupid wheels.
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and I'm butt naked, don't give you the right to dis, know what I'm sayin'? Por quoi? Well, uh, theirs is a rapidly changing language, Alan.
There's new terminology almost daily.
But as of last Friday, what he said to you was.
.
.
"Just because you're rich and he's poor, doesn't give you the right to disrespect him.
" - Oh, boy.
- I wouldn't say that around him, Alan.
It tends to, um, it tends to agitate him.
Yo, yo, yo, Calvin, man, cool out.
The dude's just buggin'.
Is he dangerous? Well, Alan, like any of God's creations.
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without love, a proper diet, a decent education and equal opportunities.
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he could be extremely dangerous.
All these lights and cameras don't help either.
He's got a gun.
! No, no, Alan, it's just candy.
- [Calvin.]
Yo, chill out.
- Candy? It's an appleJolly Rancher.
Yeah.
It seems to be the foundation of the homeboy's diet.
Why they prefer apple as opposed to grape, we're really not quite sure.
Well, what other kind of things can he do? Well, he can do anything anybody else can do.
Oh, yeah? Well, can he host a talk show? I'm sure he could, yes.
Yo, that ain't nothin', man.
Yo, check this out, man.
Is this thing on? Yo, what's up? What's up? [Audience Replies, Indistinct.]
You got the "C," the "A," the "L" the "V," the "I," the "N" Comin' to you my friend, we go.
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.
[Rhythmic Spitting.]
When I take to the streets and I start to chill Are people lookin' at me like looks could kill Now I wasn't born with a silver spoon I'm from the hard-core streets and that's the name of the tune I'm not some crazy freakfrom the city zoo I'm just a down-to-earth brother that's a lot like you - Peace.
- [Applause, Cheering.]
We'll be back, but we'll never be the same.
Tita! Cha-cha! Concha! ¿Qué hace? Look at all the hair on the floor.
It looks like the bathtub after you shave your legs.
Or after you shave your shoulders, huh, Hector? Sweep the floor, Concha! Hey, mira.
What's the matter with him? Cha-cha, let me tell you, baby.
It's a big situation.
What happened? Yesterday, she caught Hector in the bathroom with another woman.
No, ay, mi hija.
I bet she almost had a cardiac arrest.
You sure that happened? I know what happened.
Let me tell you.
Last night, I stayed over at Daisy's house, and Concha told Marissa.
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and Marissa told Lucy and Lucy told Pablo and Pablo told Pepe.
.
.
and Pepe told Cuca and Cuca told Crazy Legs and Crazy Legs told Mad Dog.
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and Mad Dog told Lefty and Lefty told Shorty and Shorty told Pepe.
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and Pepe told Sol and Sol told me, baby, so you know it's a fact.
I know.
I know it's a fact.
Concha, I told you to sweep the floor.
Why don't you ask the pendeja I caught you with to sweep the floor, huh? Concha, my little Ponce de León, it was nothing.
L.
.
.
Ay! Mira, condenada, you bit my lip! - ¡Ven acá.
!- Ay.
! [Arguing In Spanish.]
There's a customer, estúpido.
! Hola.
I am Senor Hector.
.
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proprietor of Casa de Hair.
Hi.
I'm visitin' from out of town.
And the concierge at the hotel directed me to the Vidal Sassoon next door.
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but they have apparently burnt down.
[Together.]
Mm-hmm.
Tita, check the appointment book, por favor.
- You don't have no appointment book.
- ¡A yúdame.
! Pronto.
Oh, Madonna just canceled, Hector.
You're free.
Follow me, senorita.
[Spanish, Indistinct.]
Siéntate, mi princesa.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Olé! Concha, the lady would like a manicure.
So, are you married, senorita? Well.
.
.
Oh, my goodness! Aren't you something? As a matter of fact I am, Senor Hector.
Let me ask you a question.
What would you do.
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if you found your worthless husband.
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alone in the bathroom with a strange woman? Oh, I'm afraid I would just kick his little behind.
Ow! What if he was only there trying to fix the plumbing? Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with that, I guess.
[Screams.]
But what if his plumbing is so bad.
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that he can't even satisfy his own wife? You know, as a wife, I would find that extremely frustrating.
Well, of course, maybe he wasn't doing everything he could.
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to feel more like a man.
[Gasps.]
What I mean is.
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I mean, maybe it was because his cologne.
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.
- smelled a little more like embalming fluid.
- Oh, no, baby! I bought Hector that cologne, okay? Are you talking about my wife's taste in cologne? No! You know, I think I would just have to know.
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a little bit more about the whole situation before rendering an opinion.
- Excuse me.
I'm late for an appointment.
- ¡Espérate.
! Ay, look at that.
Another valued customer has left my establishment, and it's all your fault.
Ah, kiss my chuteca and die, Hector.
I going to kill you! [Groans.]
I hope she don't take off that shoe and throw it at his head again like she did last time.
It's okay because he's so hard up, he's not even going to feel it.
[Grunting.]
You know I love you.
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when your eyes are bulging.
You make me feel so caliente when that little vein pops outta your head.
Chicas, take a break.
I guess maybe they're not going to get a divorce after all.
Honey, if that's the case, let me get on the phone, 'cause I gotta tell Paco.
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so he can tell Pepe and Pepe can tell Puca.
[Singing.]
¡A y, ay, ay.
! Hey, brother, can we talk? [Hip-hop.]
[Singing.]
[Rapping.]
[Siren Wailing In Distance.]
[Clears Throat.]
P.
B.
S.
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.
The Pavement Broadcast System.
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proudly presents.
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a new do-it-yourself-at-home home improvement show.
My name is Anton.
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and this is my house, slash bathroom.
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slash kitchen, slash backyard, slash library.
Oh, I forgot we're on TV.
Let me fix my makeup.
Now, let's.
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.
We're gonna need a little bit of work light.
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so let's go to a convenient power source.
- [Electricity Crackling.]
- [Yelling.]
Remember, safety last when you ain't got no money.
Now, today we're gonna add on a new room.
But I have to make sure that I got the proper tools.
This is the drill.
My hammer.
My measuring tape.
Oh, that's the extension cord.
Let's just use the rope for now.
[Laughs.]
And last but not least, I need my screwdriver.
Ahh! Ohh! I need another one of that.
Now let's get started, shall we? Now, in order to add on this new room.
.
.
we're gonna have to make a new doorway.
So what do we do? We mark it.
[Spits.]
With an "X.
" And then we cut the hole.
Smooth out the rough edges.
Pick up our pants.
And now let's add on the new room.
Now, in order to bond this.
.
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we're gonna have to use an all-natural adhesive.
Y'all children, don't try this at home.
We just put that there.
And when this dries, it'll be crazy like Krazy Glue.
Now, our new guest wing is almost complete.
But not yet.
We need to install the plumbing.
I'll go get the bathroom.
So, we'll just set that there, right there.
Wait.
Put a little toilet paper in there.
So, now when company come over, they don't have to steal your bathroom.
Well, that's the show for today.
Join me next week when I'll be showing you.
.
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how to make a Jacuzzi out of a garbage can.
This is Anton for This OI'Box saying.
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"Hasta la.
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something other.
" All right.
Thank you very much.
We'll see you next time.
Say hello to our newest cast member.
Say.
.
.
Say good night to everybody.
- Tell 'em, "See you next week.
" - Say good night.
- Say see you next week.
"See you next week.
" - See you next week.
! Ha.
! That's why she's not getting scheduled.
Good night.
You can do what you wanna do In living color