Inside Comedy (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

[music.]
- SO ELLEN-- SO VANCE, YOUR BROTHER.
YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR BROTHER.
- THAT'S WHAT THE TEST RESULTS HAVE SHOWN.
- [laughs.]
- YES.
- WELL, VANCE--ALSO A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, IS ONE OF THE PRODUCERS OF THE SHOW.
SO--AND VANCE IS FUNNY.
- YES.
- SO YOU WERE--YOU WERE FUNNY, BOTH OF YOU GROWING UP, RIGHT? IN SOME WAY? - I DON'T KNOW THAT I WAS FUNNY GROWING UP.
I THINK I WAS VERY INFLUENCED BY HIM.
HE WAS VERY FUNNY.
- WERE YOU INTERESTED IN THINGS THAT WERE FUNNY AT THAT TIME? I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU-- LIKE, CULTURALLY, WHAT DID YOU CARE ABOUT? WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, 14? - CULTURALLY? - YEAH.
- UM, I WAS VERY INTO SWEDEN.
- [laughs.]
SWEDEN? - YES.
I WAS A BIG FAN OF THE SWEDES.
- [laughs.]
- UM - THE CULTURE'S A LITTLE HIGHER LEVEL THAN I EXPECTED TO GO.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- THEN COMEDY, WHAT WERE YOU-- - WELL, THEN I HAD NO ONE TO HANG OUT WITH SO I DROPPED MY-- I LOWERED MY STANDARDS.
- 'CAUSE THE SWEDES ARE OVER THERE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- NO ONE KNEW WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
THEY THOUGHT I WAS SAYING "SUEDE," AND I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT SUEDE.
- NO, IT WAS SWEDE.
- IT WAS SWEDES.
- YEAH.
- I THINK PEOPLE WOULD-- I THINK MOST PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY VERY SURPRISED THAT I ENDED UP MAKING A LIVING DOING STANDUP BECAUSE I WASN'T REALLY-- I WAS FUNNY IN HIGH SCHOOL A LITTLE BIT, AND-- 'CAUSE WE MOVED A LOT AND I KIND OF GOT TO KNOW PEOPLE AND USE HUMOR TO KIND OF FIT IN.
BUT ONLY PEOPLE THAT KNEW ME KNEW I WAS FUNNY.
I WASN'T FUNNY IN BIG CROWDS OF PEOPLE.
- RIGHT, AND WERE YOU SHY A LITTLE BIT? 'CAUSE A LOT OF COMEDIANS ARE, THEY - I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS SHY, I JUST DIDN'T CARE TO MAKE A BIG SCENE.
I JUST WANTED TO BE FUNNY AROUND A FEW PEOPLE.
BUT THEN I LEARNED THAT YOU HAD TO BE FUNNY AROUND A LOT OF PEOPLE TO MAKE MONEY, SO THEN I EXPANDED.
- I USED TO WANDER AROUND THE WOODS WHEN I WAS A KID, 'CAUSE MY PARENTS WOULD PUT ME THERE.
AND, UM I'D FIND PETRIFIED WOOD AND I'D THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT COULD HAVE SCARED THESE TREES SO BADLY? [laughter.]
MAYBE A DINOSAUR LIFTING HIS LEG, I GUESS THAT WAS SCARY.
FOR A TREE.
MY MOTHER USED TO HUM ME TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT.
SHE'D STAND THERE-- [strange humming sound.]
SO AGGRAVATING.
MY PARENTS WERE EXTREMELY CRUEL TO ME.
I REMEMBER ONE DAY I WAS COMING HOME FROM KINDERGARTEN-- WELL, THEY TOLD ME IT WAS KINDERGARTEN.
I FOUND OUT LATER I'D BEEN WORKING IN A FACTORY FOR TWO YEARS.
[laughter.]
HORRIBLE.
[applause.]
- WELL, I DIDN'T WANNA BE IN THIS BUSINESS.
I WAS IN CLEVELAND HORSING AROUND AT A LOCAL TELEVISION STATION AND I WANTED TO BE A JOCKEY.
I ONLY WEIGHED 97 POUNDS WHEN I GRADUATED.
AND, UH, BUT I WAS TERRIFIED OF HORSES AND, UH [laughter.]
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO RIDE THAT WELL AND-- BUT MY DAD WAS TRAINING THEM SO I THOUGHT, "WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS GOOD, I'VE GOT AN OPENING HERE.
- RIGHT.
- AND HE LET ME GALLOP AROUND A TRACK IN CLEVELAND, RANDALL PARK, AND, UH, NEVER REALLY RACED OR ANYTHING.
BUT ONE DAY THE STARTER CALLED ME INTO THE GATE BECAUSE IF A HORSE IS GONNA START IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS, YOU HAVE TO SEE IF HE'S GONNA BREAK FROM THE GATE.
SO I THOUGHT, "OH, MAN, HERE'S MY CHANCE, YOU KNOW, WOW.
" SO I GET THE HORSE IN THE GATE AND HE SAID, "YOU READY?" "YEAH.
" AND I'M SITTING THERE, READY TO GO, RIGHT? NOW WITH A HORSE IN RACING, THEY GO FROM STANDING THERE TO 40 MILES AN HOUR IMMEDIATELY.
THERE'S NO, UH, "WE'RE READY? ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
" AND YOU-- - AND THEY'RE GONE.
- NO, THERE'S NO GLIDING OUT OF THE GATE, NO.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THE GATES OPEN, AND I WAS SITTING THERE ON THE GROUND, THINKING, "HMM.
" [laughter.]
I WISH I WERE ON THAT HORSE, YOU KNOW? BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE PEOPLE GET ANNOYED WHEN THEY BET AND YOU'RE NOT ON THE HORSE.
- I WOULD IMAGINE THEY WOULD GET ANNOYED.
- YEAH, THERE'S NO REFUND ON THAT.
- TESTY.
- YEAH.
- SO-- - THEN I WENT IN THE ARMY.
OURS.
- YEAH.
- AND, UH [laughter.]
TWO COURT MARTIALS.
THEY HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL IN THE ARMY.
THEY REALLY DIDN'T.
[laughter.]
NOT THE BIG ONES, YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" NOT THAT ONE.
- NO.
- BUT, UM WELL, THE ONE WAS I WAS ON GUARD DUTY AND IT WAS PEACE TIME.
I'M IN SEATTLE--YOU KNOW, I'M GUARDING SEATTLE.
- RIGHT.
- SO I, UH, SAT IN THE BACK OF A CAR, FELL ASLEEP, AND JUST TOOK A LITTLE NAP.
AND I WAKE UP AND I GO, "OH, MY GOD, 2:00.
" NOW AT 2:00 THIS LIEUTENANT COMES AROUND AND HE COMES TOWARDS YOU AND YOU TAKE YOUR RIFLE AND HE GOES "HALT, ADVANCE AND BE RECOGNIZED.
"NAME, ADDRESS AND YOUR SERIAL NUMBER," AND ALL OF THAT, RIGHT? AND THEN HE GOES TO BED SOMEWHERE AND I'M STILL WALKING AROUND, GUARDING PING PONG BALLS, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- WHO'S GONNA STEAL THESE? - RIGHT.
- SO I GO TO MEET THIS GUY AND I REALIZE I FORGOT MY RIFLE.
IT'S IN THE CAR.
UH, AND THE ARMY IS TOUCHY ABOUT THAT.
[laughter.]
THEY REALLY ARE.
- RIGHT.
- THEY GIVE YOU A RIFLE AND THEY WANT YOU TO HANG ON TO IT.
- YES.
- YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, THEY REALLY EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN IT AND--YOU KNOW.
- IMAGINE THAT.
- ALWAYS HAVE IT HERE.
SO I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD.
" SO I WENT INTO THE GARBAGE, UH, THAT WAS THERE AND THERE WAS THIS LONG, UH, NEON TUBE, LIGHT.
AND SO I TOOK IT AND AS HE CAME AROUND THE CORNER I SAID, "HALT! ADVANCE AND BE RECOGNIZED.
" AND HE DID.
AND HE SAID HIS NAME AND HE GOES "WHAT'S THAT?" I SAID "IT'S A LIGHT BULB, YOU COME ANY CLOSER I'LL TURN IT ON.
" [laughter.]
- AND I GOT TO PAINT ROCKS.
I PAINTED ROCKS AND PUT THEM ALONG THE SIDE-- - THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO-- - YEAH.
- THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOU HOLDING A RIFLE ANYMORE.
- DIDN'T CARE.
- YEAH.
- COULD YOU SHOW US WHAT YOUR DAY CONSISTS OF, TO KEEP IN SHAPE? - WELL, SURE-- WELL, THE FIRST THING I DO WHEN I GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE MORNING-- - UH-HUH.
- I JUMP RIGHT OUT OF THE BED LIKE THAT.
[laughter.]
- ONCE I HIT THE FLOOR, I TRY TO WARM UP WITH TOUCHING MY TOES.
THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.
- TOUCHING YOUR TOES.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- THEN ONCE I GET WARMED UP I GIVE THE OLD ONE-TWO.
- OH, I SEE.
[indistinct conversation.]
WHAT? - I TRY TO GET RIGHT INTO THE SIT-UPS.
- SIT-UPS? - OH, YEAH.
THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
[laughter.]
AND OF COURSE THERE'S THIS [laughter.]
AND THEN I JUST [laughter.]
- WELL, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LIONEL DORFF, IT'S BEEN A GREAT PLEASURE.
[cheers and applause.]
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- SO AT WHAT POINT DO YOU SAY, "OKAY, THIS APPEALS TO ME.
I WANNA DO IT.
" IS THERE A MOMENT LIKE THAT? - NO.
THERE WAS NOT A MOMENT LIKE THAT FOR ME.
UM, THERE WAS A RIDICULOUS CAUSE, SOMEBODY NEEDED TO RAISE MONEY FOR SOMETHING AND, YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU GET ONSTAGE AND BE FUNNY? AND I'D NEVER WRITTEN BEFORE, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I WAS GONNA DO BUT I WALKED ONSTAGE AND, UH, THIS IS WHEN I ATE MEAT.
- MM-HMM.
- I BROUGHT A BAG-- A BURGER KING WHOPPER, FRIES, AND A SHAKE.
I WALKED ONSTAGE AND I SAID, UH I'M SO SORRY TO HAVE TO DO THIS BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ONSTAGE BEFORE AND I'M SO NERVOUS THAT I DIDN'T EAT ALL DAY LONG AND IF I DON'T EAT SOMETHING I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M JUST TOO WEAK.
SO I'M JUST TOO NERVOUS.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT-- AND I STARTED UNWRAPPING.
AND I STARTED THAT SENTENCE AND THEN I TOOK A HUGE BITE AND I JUST KEPT-- AND THEN I SWALLOWED.
I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, THAT'S GOOD.
" "ANYWAY, HAVE YOU--" AND I WOULD GET ANOTHER PART OF THE SENTENCE OUT.
AND I'D TAKE ANOTHER BITE AND I ATE THE ENTIRE MEAL AND THEN I LEFT.
AND THAT'S ALL I DID.
UM, AND THEN SOMEONE SAW ME AND ASKED ME IF I WOULD GO ONSTAGE AT A COFFEE HOUSE AND DO SOMETHING AND SO IT WAS, LIKE, USUALLY JUST PEOPLE WITH A GUITAR AND IT WAS PEOPLE WITH A GUITAR AND ME AND I THOUGHT I CAN'T EAT EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I'M GONNA BE GIGANTIC.
- [laughs.]
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
- AND I DIDN'T REALLY PLAY PIANO BUT I WROTE A SONG THAT I HAD A COUPLE OF LITTLE CHORDS AND I SAID I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AND IT WAS JUST ME SCREAMING AND THEN I SAY I PASSED OUT.
SO IT WAS ONE CHORD.
AND THEN, UH, I WAS PERFORMING AT PLACES THAT THE ROOM WAS, LIKE, 12 PEOPLE.
AND AT FIRST THERE'S NOTHING ELSE GOING ON SO THEY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, YOU KNOW? - RIGHT.
- 'CAUSE A PERSON WITH A GUITAR SINGING JAMES TAYLOR-- - YES.
- AND THEN ME, YOU KNOW.
THEN I GUESS I'M FUNNY COMPARED TO THE GUY WITH THE GUITAR.
- RIGHT.
- BUT THEN IT WAS LIKE-- THEN IT GOT REALLY HARD AND THEN I HAD HARD-- REALLY BAD NIGHTS WHERE I DIDN'T DO WELL.
AND THERE WERE TIMES I JUST WANTED TO QUIT AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WELL, WHAT AM I GONNA, YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I HAD NO SKILL, YOU KNOW? - BUT YOU HAD NO OTHER PLAN AT ALL.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE NURSING, BEING A DOCTOR OR LAWYER.
- NO.
- IT WAS NOTHING.
I MEAN, IT WAS JUST-- YOU STUMBLED INTO-- - WELL, I WAS STILL DOING OTHER THINGS.
I WAS NOT MAKING A LIVING OFF OF, YOU KNOW, $3 AT, UH-- - WHAT WERE YOU DOING? - UM, SOMETIMES I WAS PAINTING HOUSES, SOMETIMES I WAS A BARTENDER.
- REALLY? - AND THEN I SAW, UM, A BIG BANNER ON A BANISTER IN NEW ORLEANS IN THE FRENCH QUARTER, IT SAID "OPENING SOON, CLYDE'S COMEDY CORNER.
" I TALKED TO THIS GUY CLYDE WHO WAS, LIKE, A MAFIA GUY.
NO CLUE AS TO WHAT COMEDY WAS, HE WAS JUST OPENING A-- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MECHANICAL BULLS WERE ON THEIR WAY OUT.
SO HE DECIDED "LET'S DO A COMEDY CLUB.
" - [laughs.]
- BUT HE HIRED ME.
HE HAD NOBODY ELSE.
HE DIDN'T HAVE A PLAN.
- RIGHT.
- SO SUDDENLY SIX NIGHTS A WEEK I WAS THE EMCEE FOR ALL THESE HEADLINERS COMING IN FROM NEW YORK AND ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME BECAUSE I WASN'T A TYPICAL FEMALE COMEDIAN AND I DIDN'T DO GENDER-ORIENTED MATERIAL, I JUST DID STUFF THAT I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD AND FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, I WOULD GO UP ON STAGE AND HOLD UP, YOU KNOW, FABRIC, LIKE-- AND THEN JUST LOOK AT PEOPLE AND THEN I'D PUT THAT DOWN AND THEN I HOLD UP, LIKE, VELVET AND THEN I'D PUT THAT DOWN AND I'D HOLD UP SOMETHING ELSE AND I SAID "I'M JUST TRYING OUT NEW MATERIAL.
" - [laughs.]
- AND PEOPLE WOULD JUST STARE AT ME.
I MEAN, I DID LOTS OF PROP COMEDY.
- YEAH.
- AND I'D OPEN UP, LIKE, A CAN OF CORN AND PUT IT DOWN AND SAY I KNOW THAT WAS A CORNY OPENING.
I DID REALLY BAD STUFF LIKE THAT.
- AND FOOD SEEMS TO BE A THEME IN YOUR, UH-- - FOOD IS UNIVERSAL, DAVID.
- YEAH, IT IS.
- ALL PEOPLE GET FOOD.
- THEY DO GET FOOD.
- YEAH.
- 'CAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT.
- YEAH, SURE.
- ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
- IF NOTHING ELSE IT MAKES THEM HUNGRY.
- IT'S TRUE.
- FLIES ARE AMAZING, THEY'RE INSIDE-- THEY ARE FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE UNTIL THEY FIND A MIRROR.
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT? THEY FIND A BATHROOM MIRROR AND THEY ARE THERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
THEY DON'T MOVE.
I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY FOUND ANOTHER FLY.
AND THEY'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH THAT FLY.
"THANK GOD, I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE.
[laughter.]
"YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.
[laughter.]
"I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.
[laughter.]
"YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.
"OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, I THINK THERE'S AN OPEN WINDOW.
"YOU GO TELL THE OTHER FLIES WE FOUND THE HOUSE.
"I'LL WAIT HERE.
"GO, I'M GONNA WAIT HERE.
"ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
HEY, YOU WAIT HERE.
" - SO I'M INTERESTED IN THE FAILURES.
- FAILURES? - YEAH.
[laughter.]
- I'VE HAD SO MANY.
[laughter.]
- UM, I'VE BEEN CANCELLED BY EVERYBODY.
- REALLY? - OH, YES.
MY PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE WAS "13 WEEKS.
" [laughter.]
AND THEN I GOT ONE THAT SAID "SIX WEEKS" BECAUSE THEY WERE CUTTING THEM DOWN.
SO I'M DOWN TO A NEWSBREAK NOW.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING I HAVE DONE IN YEARS.
- WHAT WERE YOUR SHOWS? - TERRIFIC.
[laughter.]
- STRANGE AS IT MAY SEEM THEY WERE ALL-- THERE WAS THE TIM CONWAY SHOW.
- OH, VERY CREATIVE.
- WE SAT AROUND ALL DAY THINKING OF THAT ONE.
I SAID TO A FRED SILVERMAN-- I SAID, "THE FIRST SHOW I WANNA DO, UH, IS GONNA BE MY CHRISTMAS SHOW.
- AND HE SAID "WE'RE COMING ON IN OCTOBER.
" AND I SAID "I KNOW, BUT I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ON IN DECEMBER.
" SO OUR OPENING SHOW WAS THE KIDS AND THE TREE AND EVERYBODY'S GOING "WHAT THE HELL? I DON'T GET IT.
" [laughter.]
- GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
- YEAH.
AND WE WEREN'T ON AT CHRISTMAS EITHER, SO THANK GOD I GOT IT IN EARLY, YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, MY SHOWS NEVER LASTED LONG EITHER.
- NO.
I HAD A GUY COME FROM ABC-- COME DOWN WHEN I WAS DOING RANGO.
ONE OF AARON SPELLING'S FEW FAILURES.
- [laughs.]
- UH AND AT THE END OF THE 13TH SHOW THE GUY CAME DOWN AND HE SAID "UM, STOP DOING THIS.
AND THAT WAS IT.
- [laughs.]
- WE DID.
WE DIDN'T EVEN GET THE NEXT ONE IN.
- RIGHT.
- OH, I'VE HAD-- I LOVE A GOOD FAILURE.
I REALLY DO.
- NOW YOU DID MCHALE'S NAVY, I REMEMBER-- - YEAH, THAT WAS A HIT.
- YEAH, FOR THREE YEARS.
FOR ERNIE BORGNINE, YEAH.
- AND YOU.
- OH, GEEZ, YEAH.
- ALL THESE FAILURES EXCEPT FOR CAROL BURNETT.
- CAROL BURNETT, YES.
[applause.]
- OH, HELLO THERE.
I WAS JUST ADMIRING MY BRAND-NEW CHINA-WARE AND MY SILVER-PLATED SERVICE FOR SIX.
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? THEY DIDN'T COST ME A CENT.
[coughs.]
YOU SEE, I GOT THEM BY SAVING THE COUPONS THAT COME WITH EVERY PACK OF LOCHINVAR CIGARETTES.
[laughter.]
[coughs.]
I SMOKE SIX PACKS A DAY AND EVERY PUFF BRINGS ME THAT MUCH NEARER-- [wheezes.]
[coughs.]
THAT MUCH NEARER TO FURNISHING MY HOUSE.
SMOKING LOCHINVAR CIGARETTES HAS GIVEN ME EVERYTHING I'VE GOT.
[coughs.]
- SHE'S THE BEST, SHE STILL IS.
- SHE STILL IS.
- OH, YEAH.
IT WAS GREAT, 11 YEARS OF WORKING WITH HARVEY.
- YEAH.
- VERY POOR PERFORMER.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED OR NOT BUT HE WAS ALWAYS LAUGHING.
I DON'T KNOW-- HE HAD NO CONTROL.
- WELL, HARVEY AND CAROL WERE ALWAYS LAUGHING AT EVERYTHING THAT YOU DID.
- I WAS AMAZED.
- I MEAN, EVERYTHING.
ALL THE TIME.
- I THOUGHT THEY WERE PROFESSIONAL, BUT THEY--YOU KNOW.
- NOW WERE YOU IMPROVISING? OR YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, RIGHT? - WELL, I WAS A WRITER ON THE SHOW TOO.
SO I'D WRITE ONE THING AND THEN NEVER SAY IT AND, UH, HARVEY WAS ALWAYS GOING "HMM," YOU KNOW.
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?" - YEAH.
- OKAY, NOVOCAIN.
HERE, NOVOCAIN.
"TAKE A FIRM HOLD OF THE HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.
" RIGHT.
[laughter.]
AAH! "THERE WILL BE A LITTLE BIT OF PAIN AND THEN NUMBNESS WILL SET IN.
" [laughter.]
WELL, I GUESS WE'LL, UH, GET RIGHT TO IT.
OKAY.
[laughter.]
WITH THE DENTIST SKETCH THAT WE DID ON THE BURNETT SHOW, I HAD NEVER SHOWN HARVEY THE PART ABOUT THE NOVOCAIN.
AND WE WERE REHEARSING ALL WEEK AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, THIS SKETCH REALLY STINKS.
" I SAID, "WELL, I'M GONNA TRY A LITTLE SOMETHING AT THE END.
" HE SAID, "THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN SAVE THIS.
" AND, UH, SO WE DID IT ON AIR AND IT EXPLODED.
[fly buzzing.]
[loud thump.]
- SO HOW DID YOU GET YOUR OWN SITCOM? - I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR A LONG TIME.
AND THEN I GOT LAURIE HILL, UH, AND I DID, LIKE-- THERE WERE ONLY THREE EPISODES AIRED OF THAT.
AND I HAD, LIKE-- ONE OF MY LINES ONE WEEK WAS, UM, "HELLO?" LIKE, IT WAS ANSWERING THE PHONE.
AND THAT WAS MY LINE.
- UH-HUH.
- FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.
AND IT WAS, UH, MARLIN BLACK, BLACK MARLINS.
- YES, YES.
- AND, UH, I SAID TO THEM, LIKE, IF THIS GETS CANCELLED, WILL YOU CREATE A SHOW FOR ME? AND, UH, AND THEY SAID, "YES, IF IT GETS CANCELLED.
" BECAUSE THEY LOVED ME.
- MM-HMM.
- BUT THERE WAS NOTHING FOR ME TO DO.
IT WASN'T THE RIGHT SHOW FOR ME.
I LITERALLY HAD NO LINES.
- MM-HMM.
- BUT I WOULD MAKE "HELLO" FUNNY.
I WOULD DO WHATEVER I COULD TO MAKE IT FUNNY.
- MM-HMM.
- AND SO NEAL CALLED ME AND HE SAID, "UH, WELL, BAD NEWS, WE GOT CANCELLED.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS WE WANT TO CREATE A SHOW FOR YOU.
" AND, UH, AND THEN I FELT LIKE THAT'S--YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL HIM I'M GAY OR ELSE IF HE FINDS OUT, HE'S GONNA BE SO MAD HE CREATED A SHOW.
SO I TOLD HIM I WAS GAY AND HE SAID "I KNOW.
" - [laughs.]
- AND I SAID, UH-- AND HE SAID, "DO YOU WANNA BE GAY ON THE SHOW?" - AND I SAID "NO, GOD NO.
" 'CAUSE I WAS CLOSETED AT THE TIME.
- SURE.
- I WAS, LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT GONNA BE GAY.
WHO'S GONNA--NOBODY'S GONNA RUN A SHOW WITH AN OPENLY GAY--" - EVERYONE WAS CLOSETED, THERE WAS NOTHING GAY ON AT THAT TIME.
- NO, NO.
- RIGHT, YEAH.
- AND, UH, AND IT WAS GONNA BE CALLED, UH, IT WAS CALLED THESE FRIENDS OF MINE.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THAT WAS, UH, THAT WAS FOR-- I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT WAS THESE FRIENDS OF MINE AND THEN THEY SLOWLY RECAST IT AND, UH, CHANGED IT TO ELLEN.
- WELL, WHEN YOU DID THAT-- THAT LAST SHOW WHERE YOU ANNOUNCED THAT YOU'RE GAY IN THE AIRPORT-- - THAT WASN'T THE LAST SHOW.
- OH, THAT WASN'T.
- EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS THE LAST SHOW.
- I DID, YEAH.
- EVERYONE DID.
THEY DIDN'T ADVERTISE AND WE HAD, LIKE, 40 MILLION VIEWERS.
AND THEN WE HAD TWO MORE SHOWS, WE HAD ONE WHERE MY BOSS FIND OUT AND FIRES ME.
- UH-HUH.
- AND ONE WHERE MY PARENTS FIND OUT.
AND MY FATHER HAS A HUGE PROBLEM WITH IT.
AND IT WAS--THOSE WERE TWO OF THE BEST SHOWS, 'CAUSE IT WAS, LIKE, THEN IT WAS REALLY THE PROCESS OF WHAT HAPPENS ONCE YOU-- - YES, RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, EXPLAIN TO EVERYBODY IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT, NOT A KID.
SO THOSE-- BUT, YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
- BUT EVEN THAT SHOW THAT I THOUGHT WAS THE LAST SHOW, IT WASN'T PREACHY, IT WAS JUST FUNNY.
- MM-HMM.
- SO ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY? - WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO SAY? - OH, I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT AGAIN AND BE WRONG.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT WRONG, YOU'RE RIGHT.
UM [gasps.]
THIS IS, UH-- THIS IS SO HARD BUT II I THINK I'VE REALIZED THAT I AM I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORD.
WHY CAN'T I SAY THE WORD? I MEAN, WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY [sighs.]
I MEAN, WHAT IS WRONG? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO ASHAMED? I MEAN, WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY THE TRUTH? I MEAN, BE WHO I AM? I'M 35 YEARS OLD.
I'M SO AFRAID TO TELL PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I JUST SUSAN [into microphone.]
I'M GAY.
[cheers and applause.]
- SO TIM, WHO WERE YOUR INFLUENCES WHEN YOU STARTED OUT? - I GUESS STEVE WAS-- - STEVE ALLEN, YEAH.
- STEVE ALLEN WAS BIG TIME.
AND I LOVED DON KNOTTS, AND LOUIE NYE, TOM POSTON, THOSE GUYS.
I MEAN, THEY-- I JUST COULDN'T WAIT AT NIGHT TO SEE THOSE GUYS.
JONATHAN WINTERS.
DON IS--WELL, HE WAS--WELL, HE BECAME A VERY CLOSE FRIEND.
AND, UH, WE SPENT, YOU KNOW, - YEAH.
- WE DID A MOVIE ONE TIME, DON AND I, FOR DISNEY.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DANCEHALL DANDIES AND, UH, IT WAS THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG AND SO WE WERE DRESSED AS DANCEHALL GIRLS WITH, UH, LITTLE TUTUS AND, UH, STOCKINGS AND THE WIGS AND EVERYTHING.
AND DON USED TO SAY, YOU KNOW, "TIM, UH, I CAN'T GET DRESSED "IN THE MORNING OUT THERE, YOU KNOW, IT'S FREEZING OUT THERE--I JUST, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T.
" - I SAID, "WELL, DON, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE WARDROBE GUY BRING THE OUTFIT TO YOU AND YOU GET DRESSED IN YOUR ROOM AND THEN DRIVE--" "WELL, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BY GOLLY, I'LL TRY THAT.
" SO THE GUY BRINGS HIS STUFF AND ALL THE MAKE UP AND EVERYTHING AND HE GETS DRESSED IN HIS ROOM, GETS IN THE CAR, DRIVES TO WORK.
WHY DRIVING? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TOO FAST.
AND SO HE--NOW HE'S HAPPY, YOU KNOW.
"OH, THIS IS GREAT.
" YOU KNOW.
SO ONE NIGHT WE'RE COMING HOME.
I SAID, "DON" THE MOTEL IS ACROSS THE STREET.
I SAID, "I'M GONNA GO OVER AND, UH, GET A BEER AND I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
" AND IN STOCKTON, THERE ARE COWBOYS THERE.
I MEAN, REAL COWBOYS.
- YES, YES.
- WHO DON'T LIKE PERFORMERS.
AND SO I WALK IN THE BARN, I'M GOING "WHOA!" IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH IN HERE.
" SO I'M SITTING AT THE BAR, RIGHT? I LOOK UP AND HERE COMES DON, BACK-- WITH THIS RIG ON.
WITH THE SKIRT, THE WHOLE THING, YOU KNOW.
AND THE THING.
AND HE COMES INTO THE BAR.
AND HE SAYS, "UH, TIM, [snorts.]
UH, YOU GOT THE KEY TO THAT ROOM?" [laughter.]
- I SAID, "WELL, DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO TALK ABOUT PRICE FIRST?" [laughter.]
SO, UH, HE GOT MOVED AROUND A LITTLE BIT AND-- [laughter.]
HE WENT BACK TO HIS ROOM AND CHANGED AND EVERYTHING.
BUT HE WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST A NUTCASE.
I MEAN, HE WAS-- HE WAS GREAT TO BE WITH.
REALLY WAS.
- ARE WE ON? OH! GOOD AFTERNOON, GADIES AND LENTLEMEN.
UH, LA-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS YOUR OLD FIEND-- UH, FRIEND, PHIL BRUSSELING.
BELUSILICLINK! FELUSHIBINK! UH, BRINGING YOU A PRESCRIPTION-- DESCRIPTION OF TODAY'S FAME! F-FLAMEGAME! - NOW YOU HAVE THIS TALK SHOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING, WHICH IS ALL YOUR SHOW AND DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE ANOTHER TIME, ANOTHER WORLD? - FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO BE COMPLETELY MYSELF AND TO HAVE THE KIND OF VIEWERSHIP THAT WE HAVE AND THE KIND OF FANS-- AND WHEN I LOOK OUT IN THIS AUDIENCE AND I SEE THE DIVERSITY--TO SEE THE DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW, AGES, AND THE DIFFERENT-- I MEAN, THERE'S, LIKE, GRANDMOTHERS HERE, THERE'S YOUNG KIDS HERE.
- SURE.
- THERE'S EVERYTHING.
- YEAH.
- IF WE LET ANIMALS IN, WE WOULD HAVE RACCOONS.
- [laughs.]
- THEY LOVE ME.
- RACCOONS LOVE YOU.
- OH! HUGE, HUGE FOLLOWING.
- [laughs.]
UM, BUT ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, IT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY TO SEE THAT I'VE GONE FROM LOSING EVERYTHING WHEN I CAME OUT TO BEING COMPLETELY MYSELF AND SEEING THE KIND OF AUDIENCE THAT WANTS TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO COME SEE ME.
NOT JUST TURN ON THEIR TV.
- NO, NO.
- BUT ACTUALLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO BE IN THIS AUDIENCE.
- NO, NO, YOUR AUDIENCE ADORES YOU.
I MEAN, I KNOW IT JUST FROM OUR FAMILY AND THEY LOVE YOU AND LOVE THE SHOW.
- IT'S GREAT.
- THIS IS GREAT, ELLEN, THANKS.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE GREAT AND SO TALENTED.
- THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT, YEAH.
[laughter.]
- THANK YOU, TIM, SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA-- THIS IS FOR HOME USE? YOU JUST--WHEN PEOPLE COME OVER YOU SHOW THIS? - [laughs.]
YES.
THEY'LL COME OVER AND I'LL-- - THIS IS GREAT, WHAT A GREAT IDEA! - I HOPE I GET TO COME OVER SOME NIGHT.
- AND NOW SEEL I FEE-- ON THE FIELD I SEE, STICKING OUT OF THE MUD HUT-- UH, COMING OUT OF THE KUMQUAT-- OUT OF THE DUGOUT! THERE'S, UH, STACEY MENDALL! UH, CASEY STINKALL! SICKELL! WHO DO WE OUT IN SEE FIELD? WHO DO WE SEE IN THE OUTFIELD? AW, NONE OTHER THAN THAT MIGHTY MACKEY MIDDLE.
MINNIE MICHAEL MASSEY! UH, MIGHTY MICKEY MOUSE! MICKEY MANTLE! UH, I DIDN'T PLAY HE WAS GOING TO THINK TODAY! I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA PLAY TODAY! HE NEEDED A WRENCH.
HE WRENCHED HIS TEAM! WELL, THAT'S TOO SOX FOR THE RED BADS! TOO BAD FOR THE RED SOX! THIS MAN REALLY THROWS THE GAME.
KNOWS THE GAME! WELL, THE START IS ABOUT READY TO GAME-- UH, THE GAME IS ABOUT READY TO START, AND THE FIELDERS ARE ON THE PLANE.
THE PLAYERS ARE FEELING NO PAIN.
UH, THE PLAYERS ARE ON THE FIELD, SO NOW I'D LIKE-- I'D LIKE TO TURN OVER.
I'D LIKE YOU TO TURN OVER.
I'D LIKE TO TURN YOU OVER! TO YOUR REGULAR ANNOUNCER!