It's a Date (2013) s01e08 Episode Script
Does Age Matter?
Table for one, or are you waiting for someone? Yeah, please.
What? You're joking.
It's pouring rain outside.
Well, it rarely rains inside.
Thanks, Dad.
I agree.
It would be handy if at least one of my parents drove.
Fine.
I guess I'll just see you at the restaurant.
OK.
Bye.
Don't let it get you down, darl.
Tonight might be a big night.
How many times do I have to say? Marriage is the last thing on our minds.
We have more important things to do.
Like what? Yes, like what? Our final exams, our careers, Africa.
Don't get me started on bloody Africa.
Brian! If the cannibals don't get you, the hippos will.
Dad! It's true.
I read that in National Geographic.
We're going to Africa because it's important.
Besides, Michael does not want to get married, which is fine.
Neither of us are the marrying kind.
No offence to you guys.
Can I get you anything - coffee, beer, pancakes? Sounds great, thanks.
What does? What, sorry? Coffee, beer, pancakes? Coffee, black.
Thanks.
Holy shit.
Yes, please.
Hello, Ramon.
Mint? Oh, fuck off! OK, that's me.
If, when you do get home and your father and I are sleeping, if you do have news or something to share with us, wake us up.
Mum, it's not going to happen.
Michael spoke to your father on Thursday night.
He showed us the ring.
It's his mum's.
You are bloody hopeless, Louise.
This was a complete waste of time.
Let me explain.
I admit that my profile pic may have been a little misleading.
A little misleading? You promised me Antonio Banderas, and what do I get? Fucking Santa.
Well, I may not look exactly like Antonio Banderas, but I am full of fiery Latino blood.
You're full of shit.
Now fuck off.
There are some people who say I do remind them of Mr Banderas in some ways.
What, have you had Spanish flu? Seriously, Gramps, fuck off.
I only date fit blokes, not octogenarian Teletubbies.
Flamenco.
Flamenco? I dance flamenco.
What the fuck are you doing? Flamenco! Why don't you flamen-go and fuck yourself? The taxi is going to take 30 minutes, maybe 40.
Busy night.
That's just great, isn't it? Excuse me, Michael.
There's a man here.
Says he has a papillon for you.
Says his name is Naggets.
Shit! Papillon.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, my! Miss is getting frisky.
Getting frisky! Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry - there's been a change of plans.
She's circus-trained, mate.
That is absolutely evident in the stagecraft of that papillon.
Ginger Rogers.
I'm sorry? Her name is Ginger Rogers.
Ginger's performance skills are not in question, not the issue.
I drive 45 minutes to get here, and that doesn't include the pit stop we took so she could take a whizz in the Target car park.
Clearly a nervous performer.
I'm sorry, we haven't met.
Michael Haslock.
Alfonso said you're a brain surgeon.
Neurosurgeon.
Good, 'cause a month ago, some wanker crashes his Camira into my Lexcen, and we're talking pretty hard, really hard, enough for me to go Now my sister's de facto boggy.
He reckons if I got brain damage out of it, I might be able to sue.
So how do I act like I do? How do I act like I do have brain damage? 9, 9, 9, 9.
This bloke from Broken Hill, he was a 7.
He would have been a 9 if he hadn't been from Broken Hill.
The tyranny of distance, eh? 9, 9, 9.
He's a 9 even with back acne.
Do you see a theme developing here? Hang on - that's a cat.
Yeah.
That's my cat back home - Mr Flippsy.
You're from England.
That's my level.
That's where the bar is set.
No compromises, no discounts and I don't take coupons.
I could be a 9.
A 9? You're old, you're tubby and you can't dance flamenco to save your life.
You're a 3 at best, and that's being nice.
You're only saying that because you don't know me.
The only way that you could be a 9 is if you had a conjoined twin and he was an 8.
5.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have a conjoined twin.
I would rather have a hand shandy off Edward Scissorhands than have any sort of sexual relations with you.
Oh! Wonderful movie.
What? Edward Scissorhands.
Wonderful movie! Here we go.
Forgive me.
That's OK.
My hair got wet.
It goes frizzy when it gets wet.
I love frizzy hair.
Where were you? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
It doesn't matter where you were.
I'm interrogating you.
Sorry.
So, do you have any questions, or a question, for me? Why don't your parents drive? What? Don't you think that's strange, in this day and age, two grown adults, neither one of them drive? They like the bus.
Dad reads the paper, Mum does the crosswords.
It's cheaper.
It's the way it's always been.
It's almost irresponsible.
Irresponsible? Maybe when we're running our own practice, we'll put a chauffeur on.
What if you have an appendicitis attack or your sister starts having seizures? They would call an ambulance, like most people.
Are they Amish? No, they're not.
They don't have a house or a barn in Pennsylvania or crazy hats, no long beards or skirts.
None of that.
I don't know.
Hey.
That was weirder than usual.
Are you sure you're OK? Are you tired? You can get weird when you're tired.
Menu? Thanks, Alfonso.
Is it because I'm older? You've got to be kidding me! Oh, dear.
Do you have to register that? With age comes experience.
And senility, by the looks of things.
How old are you anyway? So it IS about my age.
No.
I'd do Sir Ian McKellen.
Lord Of The Rings - another wonderful movie.
Seabiscuit is a wonderful movie.
You don't see me going to agricultural shows to get my rocks off.
I'm not watching the Olympics, fiddling with myself over the dressage.
How old is Flippsy? What? Your cat, Flippsy.
How old? It's MR Flippsy.
Does Mr Flippsy have a first name? It's a cat.
Mr Flippsy the Cat.
How old? Seven.
My Flippsy is seven, not that you'd know it.
He still behaves like a kitten.
Spoiled rotten, that cat is.
I can't even go out without leaving the telly on for Mr Flippsy.
Poirot.
Poirot's Mr Flippsy's favourite.
I think it's the whiskers.
Yeah.
There's me, two firefighters, the next-door neighbour.
We tried everything.
It wasn't looking good at all.
Then I had a brilliant idea.
What I thought I'd do is start singing the Law & Order: SVU music.
I got down on my hands and knees - Boom, boom! Boom, boom! Next thing you know, out comes Mr Flippsy, everyone's happy.
It was a victory, in many ways.
Why do you want to know this? You some sort of cat perv? No! Of course not.
I have some little cats myself.
Right.
I'm going to the bar to get a drink.
They've got table service.
When I get back, don't be here.
Where do you want me to go? I want you to go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't ask again, but where were you? I was out organising tickets for you to see Duran Duran? No.
I love Duran Duran! Yes.
That's why I have two tickets for the aforementioned band, Duran Duran.
My friends love Duran Duran! You must have queued forever.
I've got to call Katrina when I get home.
She will go mental! Nice to see you smile.
I'd forgot how much you love them.
Thank you.
Really? Duran Duran! Jesus Christ.
Who is this bloke? Excuse me a minute.
Thank you.
Well, I figured, my granddad couldn't even send a text let alone download an app, so, you know.
Especially not Grindr.
You deserve at least one for that.
Well, cheers.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I got us an appointment.
An appointment for what? Our vaccinations, silly.
The internships at the clinics.
Mozambique, Namibia, Ethiopia, Zaire, Chad, who Mum thinks is an American exchange student.
She's freaking out to the max.
Dad's worried sick.
He keeps saying, 'Why do you have to go?' I keep telling them this is why we're studying medicine.
It's up to our generation to change things, to help people and end poverty.
Yeah.
Poverty's a biggie.
Ally there's something I've wanted to tell you for awhile now.
I'm sorry.
What's that? It's a work thing.
What is that? I told you.
It's nothing.
What's going on? You're acting weird, mysterious, unreliable, aloof, distant, skittish, obstructive, evasive, obfuscatory.
You forgot 'handsome.
' Why didn't you pick me up tonight? I told you.
I was buying Spandau Ballet tickets.
Spandau Ballet? I thought you said Duran Duran.
Yes, Duran Duran.
That's what I did.
I've got a friend from work, organised great tickets, good seats.
I thought you were getting the tickets, and that's why you didn't pick me up.
Alfonso? Don't call Alfonso.
Look at me.
I'm trying to talk to you.
Don't you want to go to Africa? You're acting weird.
Alfonso! You said you had something to talk about, now you're not saying anything.
Is it because you don't want to go to Africa? I thought it was something entirely different.
So, Don, are you purebred? I'm sorry, what do you mean? Have you been with women or have you always been gay? Oh.
I've been with women.
I was married for 37 years.
Dear Marjorie passed away a little under three years ago.
I knew you weren't gay.
No.
That's not fair! That IS fair.
You're clearly just a breeder trying to mix things up in your twilight.
Sorry, old-timer, but my days of breaking in newcomers are over.
That's bullshit! Oh! That lit a fire.
You've never had to stand in front of a church altar.
Clearly not.
You probably need to Google 'gay marriage.
' And look into the eyes of an amazing, beautiful woman while you announce your love and commitment, wishing you could look into the eyes of your best man and say the same words to him, only this time, mean them.
You wanted to shag your best man? It wasn't that simple.
It was never simple.
I was never unfaithful to Marjorie.
How could you hide a secret like that? Well, sometimes you bury a lie so deep that when it resurfaces, it's unrecognisable and you're not sure if you can trust it.
Oh, I'd better go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not going anywhere.
Call yourself an Aussie, trying to dodge a round? You cheap bastard.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
After that you need to scarper, 'cause I came here for a reason, and I think that reason might be over there.
Yes.
Of course.
Yay! I can't see you anymore.
I didn't see that moon boot before.
I thought you were limping 'cause you were just old.
Oh, no.
It's all so embarrassing.
Did you fall over in the bath? That's fashionable with old folks.
You'll think I'm nuts if I tell you.
You told me you look like Antonio Banderas.
I already think you're nuts.
Yes.
I suppose I do owe you.
You see, I have this shed.
You see? I can tell by the look on your face that you think I'm completely insane.
Sorry.
What were you saying? Oh, great.
You want me to repeat it.
I am building a Trojan horse to the same dimen Well, the supposed same dimensions as the Trojan horse the Greeks built to take down Troy.
Sorry.
You're building an actual Trojan horse? I know it sounds ridiculous.
That is fucking brilliant.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You're building an actual Trojan horse? That is fucking brilliant! You, er, planning on sneaking in somewhere? Only into your pants, you dirty little bitch.
Oh, dear! Is that your idea of flirting? I'm so sorry.
You're going to have to warm up to that one, cowboy.
I shouldn't have ordered doubles.
That's just an expression.
A wooden horse, a Trojan horse? Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
I met somebody else.
I'm scared.
This is schizo.
You put a ring on a table to tell me you're breaking up with me? Who does that? It's not my intention.
I had to revise my plan.
Things have changed.
Why did you visit my father on Thursday night? To ask him to marry you, but things changed.
When? When were you going to ask me to marry you? Tonight.
Then why haven't you? Because you're dead.
Thirty years ago today, a drunk driver slammed into the side of your taxi not two blocks from here.
It was wet.
You suffered a massive subdural haematoma.
There were cerebral contusions and diffused brain injuries.
You went into a coma.
Four days later, your parents turned off your life support.
You shouldn't smoke, you know.
It's just Forget it.
Why would you say this? I don't believe you.
I'm so sorry, Alison, but we didn't stop poverty in Africa.
The good news is, nobody did.
I still don't believe you.
Look at me, Alison.
I'm 53 years old.
I'm wearing an extremely sensible tie.
You're 22.
You're dressed like Cyndi Lauper.
It's over, Alison.
You are dead.
I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Coffee, Michael? Short mach, thanks, Alfonso.
Yes, please, Alfonso.
Can I get an International Roast with Alfonso! If I was going to sneak in somewhere, I'd sneak into my ex's place.
He's got this art deco studio flat in Soho that he now shares with his new bloke.
Speccy twat.
He looks like that one out of The Proclaimers.
I'd sit inside that Trojan horse and look out and see the two of them on their white, Italian-leather, five-seater Sometimes it's better to let these things go.
Then I'd see her.
See who? Mr Flippsy.
Mr Flippsy is a girl? That's right.
Shouldn't she be 'Mrs Flippsy?' No, cats' names are a complete different set of rules.
It does sound as if she's been very well looked after while you've been away, although I'm sure she'll be happy to see you when you return.
That's the thing with Mr Flippsy.
She's not mine anymore.
Oh? One of the rules of modern relationships.
Whoever fucks up loses custody of the cat.
Oh.
So you'd use my Trojan horse to get back Mr Flippsy? Yeah.
I just want to see Mr Flippsy safe.
But while I was there, I'd jump out of that horse and I'd pull out a machete and cut their heads off and take the severed heads and shove them up each other's arses.
Well I'm going to the bathroom.
I need to I'm sorry.
So am I a ghost? Is that it? I see you.
You're in my head.
In the days, weeks, months after, my biggest fear was forgetting your face, the sound of your laugh, the way you loved Duran Duran, the way you can have the same look on your face when you're applying toenail polish as you do running a scalpel down a cadaver.
I've fought.
I've fought so hard to hold onto the memory of you.
All I want to do now is forget.
I want to move on.
Who is she? Kate.
She's a speech pathologist.
She's kind and she's fun.
She's kind of funny, in a funny kind of way.
Can I see the ring? She'll love that.
You think so? Yeah.
I know so.
We're having our first baby in March, you know.
Thanks, Alfonso.
Excuse me, sir.
Your cab's here.
Do you still want your cab, sir? Do you want your cab, sir? Don! John, leave me be.
You're a 7, maybe even an 8.
You don't need a Siamese twin.
You don't need him! Don, let's start again.
Give me a chance.
John, I'm a 10.
Now fuck off.
Antonio Banderas? Really? Mint?
What? You're joking.
It's pouring rain outside.
Well, it rarely rains inside.
Thanks, Dad.
I agree.
It would be handy if at least one of my parents drove.
Fine.
I guess I'll just see you at the restaurant.
OK.
Bye.
Don't let it get you down, darl.
Tonight might be a big night.
How many times do I have to say? Marriage is the last thing on our minds.
We have more important things to do.
Like what? Yes, like what? Our final exams, our careers, Africa.
Don't get me started on bloody Africa.
Brian! If the cannibals don't get you, the hippos will.
Dad! It's true.
I read that in National Geographic.
We're going to Africa because it's important.
Besides, Michael does not want to get married, which is fine.
Neither of us are the marrying kind.
No offence to you guys.
Can I get you anything - coffee, beer, pancakes? Sounds great, thanks.
What does? What, sorry? Coffee, beer, pancakes? Coffee, black.
Thanks.
Holy shit.
Yes, please.
Hello, Ramon.
Mint? Oh, fuck off! OK, that's me.
If, when you do get home and your father and I are sleeping, if you do have news or something to share with us, wake us up.
Mum, it's not going to happen.
Michael spoke to your father on Thursday night.
He showed us the ring.
It's his mum's.
You are bloody hopeless, Louise.
This was a complete waste of time.
Let me explain.
I admit that my profile pic may have been a little misleading.
A little misleading? You promised me Antonio Banderas, and what do I get? Fucking Santa.
Well, I may not look exactly like Antonio Banderas, but I am full of fiery Latino blood.
You're full of shit.
Now fuck off.
There are some people who say I do remind them of Mr Banderas in some ways.
What, have you had Spanish flu? Seriously, Gramps, fuck off.
I only date fit blokes, not octogenarian Teletubbies.
Flamenco.
Flamenco? I dance flamenco.
What the fuck are you doing? Flamenco! Why don't you flamen-go and fuck yourself? The taxi is going to take 30 minutes, maybe 40.
Busy night.
That's just great, isn't it? Excuse me, Michael.
There's a man here.
Says he has a papillon for you.
Says his name is Naggets.
Shit! Papillon.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, my! Miss is getting frisky.
Getting frisky! Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry - there's been a change of plans.
She's circus-trained, mate.
That is absolutely evident in the stagecraft of that papillon.
Ginger Rogers.
I'm sorry? Her name is Ginger Rogers.
Ginger's performance skills are not in question, not the issue.
I drive 45 minutes to get here, and that doesn't include the pit stop we took so she could take a whizz in the Target car park.
Clearly a nervous performer.
I'm sorry, we haven't met.
Michael Haslock.
Alfonso said you're a brain surgeon.
Neurosurgeon.
Good, 'cause a month ago, some wanker crashes his Camira into my Lexcen, and we're talking pretty hard, really hard, enough for me to go Now my sister's de facto boggy.
He reckons if I got brain damage out of it, I might be able to sue.
So how do I act like I do? How do I act like I do have brain damage? 9, 9, 9, 9.
This bloke from Broken Hill, he was a 7.
He would have been a 9 if he hadn't been from Broken Hill.
The tyranny of distance, eh? 9, 9, 9.
He's a 9 even with back acne.
Do you see a theme developing here? Hang on - that's a cat.
Yeah.
That's my cat back home - Mr Flippsy.
You're from England.
That's my level.
That's where the bar is set.
No compromises, no discounts and I don't take coupons.
I could be a 9.
A 9? You're old, you're tubby and you can't dance flamenco to save your life.
You're a 3 at best, and that's being nice.
You're only saying that because you don't know me.
The only way that you could be a 9 is if you had a conjoined twin and he was an 8.
5.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have a conjoined twin.
I would rather have a hand shandy off Edward Scissorhands than have any sort of sexual relations with you.
Oh! Wonderful movie.
What? Edward Scissorhands.
Wonderful movie! Here we go.
Forgive me.
That's OK.
My hair got wet.
It goes frizzy when it gets wet.
I love frizzy hair.
Where were you? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
It doesn't matter where you were.
I'm interrogating you.
Sorry.
So, do you have any questions, or a question, for me? Why don't your parents drive? What? Don't you think that's strange, in this day and age, two grown adults, neither one of them drive? They like the bus.
Dad reads the paper, Mum does the crosswords.
It's cheaper.
It's the way it's always been.
It's almost irresponsible.
Irresponsible? Maybe when we're running our own practice, we'll put a chauffeur on.
What if you have an appendicitis attack or your sister starts having seizures? They would call an ambulance, like most people.
Are they Amish? No, they're not.
They don't have a house or a barn in Pennsylvania or crazy hats, no long beards or skirts.
None of that.
I don't know.
Hey.
That was weirder than usual.
Are you sure you're OK? Are you tired? You can get weird when you're tired.
Menu? Thanks, Alfonso.
Is it because I'm older? You've got to be kidding me! Oh, dear.
Do you have to register that? With age comes experience.
And senility, by the looks of things.
How old are you anyway? So it IS about my age.
No.
I'd do Sir Ian McKellen.
Lord Of The Rings - another wonderful movie.
Seabiscuit is a wonderful movie.
You don't see me going to agricultural shows to get my rocks off.
I'm not watching the Olympics, fiddling with myself over the dressage.
How old is Flippsy? What? Your cat, Flippsy.
How old? It's MR Flippsy.
Does Mr Flippsy have a first name? It's a cat.
Mr Flippsy the Cat.
How old? Seven.
My Flippsy is seven, not that you'd know it.
He still behaves like a kitten.
Spoiled rotten, that cat is.
I can't even go out without leaving the telly on for Mr Flippsy.
Poirot.
Poirot's Mr Flippsy's favourite.
I think it's the whiskers.
Yeah.
There's me, two firefighters, the next-door neighbour.
We tried everything.
It wasn't looking good at all.
Then I had a brilliant idea.
What I thought I'd do is start singing the Law & Order: SVU music.
I got down on my hands and knees - Boom, boom! Boom, boom! Next thing you know, out comes Mr Flippsy, everyone's happy.
It was a victory, in many ways.
Why do you want to know this? You some sort of cat perv? No! Of course not.
I have some little cats myself.
Right.
I'm going to the bar to get a drink.
They've got table service.
When I get back, don't be here.
Where do you want me to go? I want you to go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't ask again, but where were you? I was out organising tickets for you to see Duran Duran? No.
I love Duran Duran! Yes.
That's why I have two tickets for the aforementioned band, Duran Duran.
My friends love Duran Duran! You must have queued forever.
I've got to call Katrina when I get home.
She will go mental! Nice to see you smile.
I'd forgot how much you love them.
Thank you.
Really? Duran Duran! Jesus Christ.
Who is this bloke? Excuse me a minute.
Thank you.
Well, I figured, my granddad couldn't even send a text let alone download an app, so, you know.
Especially not Grindr.
You deserve at least one for that.
Well, cheers.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I got us an appointment.
An appointment for what? Our vaccinations, silly.
The internships at the clinics.
Mozambique, Namibia, Ethiopia, Zaire, Chad, who Mum thinks is an American exchange student.
She's freaking out to the max.
Dad's worried sick.
He keeps saying, 'Why do you have to go?' I keep telling them this is why we're studying medicine.
It's up to our generation to change things, to help people and end poverty.
Yeah.
Poverty's a biggie.
Ally there's something I've wanted to tell you for awhile now.
I'm sorry.
What's that? It's a work thing.
What is that? I told you.
It's nothing.
What's going on? You're acting weird, mysterious, unreliable, aloof, distant, skittish, obstructive, evasive, obfuscatory.
You forgot 'handsome.
' Why didn't you pick me up tonight? I told you.
I was buying Spandau Ballet tickets.
Spandau Ballet? I thought you said Duran Duran.
Yes, Duran Duran.
That's what I did.
I've got a friend from work, organised great tickets, good seats.
I thought you were getting the tickets, and that's why you didn't pick me up.
Alfonso? Don't call Alfonso.
Look at me.
I'm trying to talk to you.
Don't you want to go to Africa? You're acting weird.
Alfonso! You said you had something to talk about, now you're not saying anything.
Is it because you don't want to go to Africa? I thought it was something entirely different.
So, Don, are you purebred? I'm sorry, what do you mean? Have you been with women or have you always been gay? Oh.
I've been with women.
I was married for 37 years.
Dear Marjorie passed away a little under three years ago.
I knew you weren't gay.
No.
That's not fair! That IS fair.
You're clearly just a breeder trying to mix things up in your twilight.
Sorry, old-timer, but my days of breaking in newcomers are over.
That's bullshit! Oh! That lit a fire.
You've never had to stand in front of a church altar.
Clearly not.
You probably need to Google 'gay marriage.
' And look into the eyes of an amazing, beautiful woman while you announce your love and commitment, wishing you could look into the eyes of your best man and say the same words to him, only this time, mean them.
You wanted to shag your best man? It wasn't that simple.
It was never simple.
I was never unfaithful to Marjorie.
How could you hide a secret like that? Well, sometimes you bury a lie so deep that when it resurfaces, it's unrecognisable and you're not sure if you can trust it.
Oh, I'd better go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not going anywhere.
Call yourself an Aussie, trying to dodge a round? You cheap bastard.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
After that you need to scarper, 'cause I came here for a reason, and I think that reason might be over there.
Yes.
Of course.
Yay! I can't see you anymore.
I didn't see that moon boot before.
I thought you were limping 'cause you were just old.
Oh, no.
It's all so embarrassing.
Did you fall over in the bath? That's fashionable with old folks.
You'll think I'm nuts if I tell you.
You told me you look like Antonio Banderas.
I already think you're nuts.
Yes.
I suppose I do owe you.
You see, I have this shed.
You see? I can tell by the look on your face that you think I'm completely insane.
Sorry.
What were you saying? Oh, great.
You want me to repeat it.
I am building a Trojan horse to the same dimen Well, the supposed same dimensions as the Trojan horse the Greeks built to take down Troy.
Sorry.
You're building an actual Trojan horse? I know it sounds ridiculous.
That is fucking brilliant.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You're building an actual Trojan horse? That is fucking brilliant! You, er, planning on sneaking in somewhere? Only into your pants, you dirty little bitch.
Oh, dear! Is that your idea of flirting? I'm so sorry.
You're going to have to warm up to that one, cowboy.
I shouldn't have ordered doubles.
That's just an expression.
A wooden horse, a Trojan horse? Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
I met somebody else.
I'm scared.
This is schizo.
You put a ring on a table to tell me you're breaking up with me? Who does that? It's not my intention.
I had to revise my plan.
Things have changed.
Why did you visit my father on Thursday night? To ask him to marry you, but things changed.
When? When were you going to ask me to marry you? Tonight.
Then why haven't you? Because you're dead.
Thirty years ago today, a drunk driver slammed into the side of your taxi not two blocks from here.
It was wet.
You suffered a massive subdural haematoma.
There were cerebral contusions and diffused brain injuries.
You went into a coma.
Four days later, your parents turned off your life support.
You shouldn't smoke, you know.
It's just Forget it.
Why would you say this? I don't believe you.
I'm so sorry, Alison, but we didn't stop poverty in Africa.
The good news is, nobody did.
I still don't believe you.
Look at me, Alison.
I'm 53 years old.
I'm wearing an extremely sensible tie.
You're 22.
You're dressed like Cyndi Lauper.
It's over, Alison.
You are dead.
I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Coffee, Michael? Short mach, thanks, Alfonso.
Yes, please, Alfonso.
Can I get an International Roast with Alfonso! If I was going to sneak in somewhere, I'd sneak into my ex's place.
He's got this art deco studio flat in Soho that he now shares with his new bloke.
Speccy twat.
He looks like that one out of The Proclaimers.
I'd sit inside that Trojan horse and look out and see the two of them on their white, Italian-leather, five-seater Sometimes it's better to let these things go.
Then I'd see her.
See who? Mr Flippsy.
Mr Flippsy is a girl? That's right.
Shouldn't she be 'Mrs Flippsy?' No, cats' names are a complete different set of rules.
It does sound as if she's been very well looked after while you've been away, although I'm sure she'll be happy to see you when you return.
That's the thing with Mr Flippsy.
She's not mine anymore.
Oh? One of the rules of modern relationships.
Whoever fucks up loses custody of the cat.
Oh.
So you'd use my Trojan horse to get back Mr Flippsy? Yeah.
I just want to see Mr Flippsy safe.
But while I was there, I'd jump out of that horse and I'd pull out a machete and cut their heads off and take the severed heads and shove them up each other's arses.
Well I'm going to the bathroom.
I need to I'm sorry.
So am I a ghost? Is that it? I see you.
You're in my head.
In the days, weeks, months after, my biggest fear was forgetting your face, the sound of your laugh, the way you loved Duran Duran, the way you can have the same look on your face when you're applying toenail polish as you do running a scalpel down a cadaver.
I've fought.
I've fought so hard to hold onto the memory of you.
All I want to do now is forget.
I want to move on.
Who is she? Kate.
She's a speech pathologist.
She's kind and she's fun.
She's kind of funny, in a funny kind of way.
Can I see the ring? She'll love that.
You think so? Yeah.
I know so.
We're having our first baby in March, you know.
Thanks, Alfonso.
Excuse me, sir.
Your cab's here.
Do you still want your cab, sir? Do you want your cab, sir? Don! John, leave me be.
You're a 7, maybe even an 8.
You don't need a Siamese twin.
You don't need him! Don, let's start again.
Give me a chance.
John, I'm a 10.
Now fuck off.
Antonio Banderas? Really? Mint?