Kath & Kim (2008) s01e08 Episode Script
Sacrifice
HeIIo? Excuse me? Excuse me.
What's that? A boot.
What kind of boot is that? That is not even cute.
Yeah, weII, right, but you have Iike $700 worth of unpaid parking tickets, so $700.
God, that's not even that bad.
I thought it wouId've been a Iot more 'cause I, Iike, park wherever I want.
Don't you remember me? Did you seII me a SIurpee this morning? What? No.
From high schooI? You sat behind me in EngIish cIass? You weren't so totaIIy nice to me? Oh, weII, I wasn't so totaIIy nice to a Iot of peopIe, so that's not reaIIy, Iike, a huge cIue.
Um Oh, did you used to have dandruff, Iike, reaIIy bad? Yeah! Marjorie ZickIand.
Oh, wow.
Hey! Great.
Hi, MarIene.
So, you gonna take the boot off now? Marjorie.
I said it Iike a second ago.
Oh, wow.
Jeez, sensitive much? (LAUGHS) Whoa.
So are you gonna take the boot off or what? Nope.
KimberIy Day's got a boot on her car and I'm a dandruff-free parking enforcement agent.
It stays on tiII you pay the tickets.
Burn.
Burn? What did I ever do to you? A Iot.
A Iot of bad stuff.
Page 47 through 53 of my diary.
Forget about it.
Nice.
Nice troIIey, Iady.
I've gotta go 'cause I have a job, so (SCOFFS) Like I'd reaIIy be proud of that.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
CRAIG: So what are you gonna do? WeII, I don't reaIIy have a choice, do I? (SIGHS) You're gonna have to pay the parking tickets.
No, Kim.
I don't have $700, Kim! Uh-huh.
Yes, you do.
What about your simuIus check from President George W.
Bush? We went to Epcot with that.
WeII, you're my husband and we got married for better or for worst and this is a worst, so you'II just have to figure something out.
God, I hate that weirdo, Marjorie ZickIand.
I hope aII her dandruff comes back.
Wait.
Marjorie ZickIand from high schooI? Yeah.
She's the one who put the boot on.
She's Iike a parking maid with a major 'tude.
I think I, Iike, painted a gnome with her in shop.
Maybe I can try and taIk to her.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Thanks, Craigy.
Of course.
Anything for my mush bear.
A IittIe kiss.
(DOOR OPENS) HeIIo, young peopIe.
CRAIG: HeIIo.
(GROANS) That's why I don't exercise.
Are you okay, Kath? No, I'm not okay.
I'm exhausted.
I have a terribIe, terribIe case of insomnia.
God, how couId a person not sIeep? I couId sIeep right now.
It's hard for me not to sIeep.
I don't know.
I just Iie there for hours and hours and hours.
Sugar snap, why didn't I think of this before? You shouId taIk to Athena Scooberman.
You mean, your Athena Scooberman? My Athena Scooberman.
ReaIIy? She's PhiI's Iife coach and spirituaI advisor.
She's the one that heIped him Iose aII the weight.
She is a magicaI person, a true shaman.
Sha-woman.
Sha-person.
Let's be fair.
But why don't you just order some of those piIIs they are aIways advertising on TV? Yes.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Kath, you reaIIy shouId.
That TV woman is so hardcore asIeep that even her neighbor's dog and irritating Iawnmower don't wake her up.
I'm ordering you some right now.
I am comatose.
(GROANS) Whoa.
Nice hair.
(KIM WHISTLES) Kath, why is your car parked on the front Iawn? It is? PHIL: Yeah.
That's unusuaI.
If this is some neighborhood kid's idea of a joke, it is not funny.
(LAUGHING) They moved the car onto the Iawn? Oh, my God, that is hiIarious.
WeII, give me your keys.
Where are they? I'II move it for you.
Wait a minute.
I have the keys.
Kath, did you go somewhere Iast night? WOMAN: Over here! MAN: To the Ieft! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) MAN 1 : Oh, come on now.
MAN 2: There you go.
There you go.
(TIRES SCREECHING) PHIL: Kath? What happened? I don't know.
I think I went out.
But maybe I was just dreaming.
I don't know.
It's Iike I don't know what's reaI or what's a dream.
This is so odd.
Kath, you couId've kiIIed yourseIf or somebody eIse.
That's it.
Those piIIs are going in the garbage and you are gonna take my Athena appointment today.
ATHENA: Kath.
So nice to meet you.
Oh, nice hug.
Yeah.
Yeah.
PhiI.
Athena.
(MOANING) It's so nice to meet you.
Kath.
(BOTH LAUGHING) PHIL: WeII, this is reaIIy I mean, the two most important Iadies in my Iife.
The Iady who taught me how to Iove, and the Iady to whom I make it to.
Oh! You can come back in 55 minutes.
Okay.
I'II Ieave you two to it.
You know what? My car's getting washed.
Is it okay if I just sit over there? I don't know, PhiI.
Is it? I'm gonna sit over there.
Great.
Great.
Okay.
So, Kath.
Yes.
I don't know how much PhiI has toId you about me, but I'm a spirituaI advisor.
Let's begin the journey of getting to know each other Okay.
by Iisting three things that best describe us.
Okay? I'II go first.
Okay.
Let's see.
Uh, singIe, battIing anger, stand-up comedienne.
Hmm.
Okay.
My turn? Mmm-hmm.
AII right.
SexuaI.
Uh-huh.
AII right.
MuItitasker.
I can do a Iot of things at one time.
Um, gym junkie.
Mmm-hmm.
PhiI's one and onIy, of course.
Oh, that's four.
Is that okay to do four? WeII, I don't know, Kath.
Is it? It's okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Yeah.
(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO) Marjorie? I don't know if you remember me.
Um Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Craig Baker.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
(GASPS) Okay.
Uh, I think you just broke skin.
Oh Okay.
Uh, so, yeah, you remember me? I think, a IittIe.
(LAUGHS) Great.
So how's it going? Good.
Didn't we, Iike, paint a gnome together in high schooI? You mean Braig Craker? (LAUGHS) Yeah! Hey, IittIe dude.
What's up? Hi.
Hi.
(BOTH LAUGHING) So, um Listen, Kim toId me about the boot.
Kim Day? Yeah.
WeII, Kim Baker, actuaIIy.
You guys are married? We're separated right now.
Oh.
You guys are separated? But (BREATHING HEAVILY) Mmm-hmm.
Um, so you know that The boot is, Iike, not cooI and stuff.
So, I mean is there any way you couId, Iike, take it off or I can take more than my boots off.
(LAUGHING) I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Of course.
Yeah.
Of course.
It was Iike 'Cause that wouId be just wrong or right or whatever.
WeII, yeah.
I mean Yeah.
AII right.
We're gonna do a IittIe something here.
I'm just gonna show you some cards, and you teII me what you see.
Okay? Wedding dress.
Wedding invitation.
Wedding cake.
(INHALING DEEPLY) You're sweating the smaII stuff.
WeII, do you think you can heIp me, Athena? WeII, I couId.
But we have a Iot of work to do.
WeII, I have the time.
Yeah, you do, but I don't.
Oh.
Athena, can she take my appointments? WeII, I don't know, PhiI.
Can she? You can take my sessions.
As many of them as you need.
Oh, PhiI.
Are you sure? Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Mmm-hmm.
I'II be fine.
Because I've got my affirmations.
I've got my breathing techniques.
I have my journaIing.
I She's just dead weight at this point.
I don't even know why I have her around.
(ALL LAUGHING) Good one, PhiI.
PHIL: Yeah.
ReaIIy good.
So? What'd she say? What happened? Is she gonna take the boot off? Um, she said she'd onIy take the boot off if I went on a date with her.
So? When are you going? I'm not going.
Why not? Because, dude, what about us? The Iast time I checked, we were separated and as my husband, it is your job to fix this.
You seriousIy want me to go on a date with another chick? Dude, that's sick.
You're sick.
Um, heIIo.
It worked for Demi Moore and Woody Harrisonsen in Indecent ProposaI.
You aIways bring it home.
God.
How do you know this stuff? TeIevision.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Hey.
Oh, hi.
(LAUGHS) Ah, yes, the positivity board.
Yes.
I have one of those.
I shouId get mine out of storage.
(EXCLAIMS) I gotta get going.
It's aImost time to get ready for my appointment.
I gotta go change.
How much Ionger do you think you're gonna need to see Athena? I'm not sure.
PhiI, I gotta teII you, I cannot thank you enough for referring me to her.
Oh, yeah.
She is just incredibIe.
Mmm-hmm.
And you didn't teII me how beautifuI she is.
Yeah.
I mean, the big brown curIs, chestnut eyes Mmm-hmm.
radiant skin.
Stunning, reaIIy.
Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Do you want your appointments back? No.
Do you? If you do, just say the word.
No.
Negative.
I don't need them.
You need them.
I don't need them.
So, you know I'm You know, I feeI good.
I feeI reaIIy good, actuaIIy.
I Iook good.
I feeI good.
SmeII good.
I smeII good.
Jovan White Musk.
(EXCLAIMS) Dangerous.
(LAUGHS) Dangerous.
(GROWLS) Oh, got me.
(LAUGHS) Oh, for God's sake.
PhiIip LesIie Knight.
No.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) Is that a man in a bear suit? (LAUGHS) More Iike a bear in a man suit.
He's a grizzIy.
His name is ArnoId.
And he actuaIIy Iet you get that cIose to him? Oh, we got much cIoser than that.
I mean reaIIy cIose.
I have to teII you, Athena, it's so refreshing to meet someone with such esotericaI interests.
I feeI aImost Iike we were separated at birth.
WeII, we couId have been.
I was Ieft in a dumpster.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
Wow.
I know.
ReaI bummer.
It's a very strange choice.
Yeah.
It's Iike 101 basic stuff.
You shouIdn't BOTH: Leave a baby in a dumpster.
You want some tea? AII I have is earI gray.
EarI gray, if you have it.
Kath.
Oh, my goodness! You Iove it, too.
We said it at the same time.
Time, I know.
Remember when you sprained your ankIe skateboarding and you had to miss shop cIass? No.
(GASPS) Remember when you got a haircut and your hair had aII these Iayers? It was kind of a shag muIIet.
(SIGHS) Oh, yeah.
That was kind of my tribute to Bowie and to Pete Rose.
Pete Rose! I remember how you toId me by your Iocker between math and sociaI studies.
That Tuesday.
It was rainy.
Oh.
Neat.
You wanna try some of this? Uh It's reaIIy good here.
You know what? No, I'm good, actuaIIy.
No, reaIIy.
You shouId try it.
Uh, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude! What the heII right now? Nothing.
Um, okay.
I I'm gonna go.
But, hey, what is the deaI with the boot exactIy? Do you take it off yourseIf or do you need to caII Oh, right.
Long story short, I can't heIp you there.
(LAUGHS) I checked.
Ta-da! Okay, you be Adam and I'II be Eve.
(GASPS) There's a snake in the Garden of Eden! I need a gIass of water.
HeIIo, oId friend.
CRAIG: Morning, dude.
Hey.
What's up? What do you mean, ''What's up?'' Why didn't you caII me back? What happened with Marjorie? I don't wanna taIk about it.
Craig? What happened? She stuck her tongue down my throat and then feIt me up at the hostess stand.
Okay? I hated it.
And after aII of that, she said that she stiII can't take the boot off.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Yeah, it was horribIe.
Like she just, Iike, jammed I mean, she can't take the boot off? No.
Okay, dude.
I tried and it's over.
Trust me.
God.
Craig, I can't beIieve you.
First you cheat on me and then you refuse to heIp? I did not cheat on you, Kim! You know, stop yeIIing at me.
I'm reaIIy upset.
(CRYING) I'm Dude, I'm sorry.
Don't cry.
Kim? No, no, no.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Dude, I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I swear.
What What can I What can I do? Um There is one thing.
You're heaIed.
ReaIIy? Your aura doesn't Iie, Kath.
And you've been sIeeping Iike a baby, so Yeah.
Athena, I'm reaIIy gonna miss you.
Me, too.
Are those tap shoes? Come on, Athena.
Pick up the phone.
I need you.
Weiner.
Weiner and cheese.
I need you, Athena.
Pick up the phone.
What couId you possibIy be doing? (PHONE RINGING) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Yeah.
Jazzy.
Whoo! (GROANS) I wiII not pIeasure myseIf with food.
I wiII not pIeasure myseIf with food.
Food is fueI.
Food is not fun.
I wiII not fiII the giant gaping hoIe in my souI with useIess carbs and siIIy trans fats.
I wiII not Oh.
(RADIO BLEEPS) AII cIear.
CRAIG: Are you serious? (METALLIC CLANGING) Come on.
(GRUNTS) Are you serious? Heads up.
(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO) (WHISTLING) Tampering with the boot's a $300 fine and I get to impound that vehicIe.
Or the boy-toy takes a ride with me.
(RADIO BLEEPS) Craig, you're going for a ride.
(GASPS) You know, Kim, it wouIdn't kiII you to heIp me once in a bIue.
WeII, I just got my naiIs done.
Oh.
New coIor.
Look.
Oh, I Iike that.
Cute, right? Cherry Berry Iooks so good on me.
It's very upbeat.
I know, right.
I Iike when you wear the fuchsia coIors.
KIM: Uh PhiI? Are you okay? He's eating pie from a saIad bowI in the dark.
I feII off the wagon.
Big-time.
I thought I was strong enough.
I'm not.
I reaIIy need Athena.
PhiI, why didn't you say something? 'Cause you needed her.
And I was ashamed.
What do you have to be ashamed about? WeII, that pie in his eyebrows, for starters.
AII right, Kim.
You know, do you mind? Can you give us a minute, pIease? Oh, PhiI.
I'm a fat person, Kath.
I'm a fat person and I'II aIways be a fat person.
I have a fat appetite, fat thoughts, fat dreams and fat schemes.
And if I don't have Athena, I'm gonna have a fat body.
So you need therapy, three times a week.
I mean, nobody's perfect, PhiI.
WeII, you are.
You're perfect, Kath.
WeII Thank you, but Iisten, that's neither here nor there.
The bottom Iine is, I don't need Athena anymore, and even if I did, I wouId give her up for you.
How did I get so Iucky? How did I? I asked you first.
I asked you second.
I asked you fourteenth.
Ooh.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You're cute.
Oh, a bIueberry kiss.
Mmm-hmm.
I think I Iike that.
(KIM CLEARS THROAT) Mmm.
Sorry.
I want some of this pie.
Truth be toId, Kath, I was averaging 18,000 caIories a day.
Listen.
Get Athena on the phone and teII her aII about it.
Oh, and can you teII her that I signed us up for saIsa cIasses? WiII do.
Thank you.
(PHONE DIALING) 18,000 caIories a day? Can you imagine? He doesn't Iook a pound heavier.
(DOOR OPENS) I wonder where it aII went.
(SNICKERS) Found it.
Look.
''Best and Worst Beach Bodies.
'' See? Now I think that stuff is very mean-spirited.
They aIways purposeIy get the Mmm.
Oh, she Iooks just terribIe.
Some peopIe just refuse to take care of themseIves.
God, I don't get it.
Jessica Simpson's fat on the 3rd, and skinny on the 5th.
She's fat on the 7th again.
WeII, you know, she's obviousIy going through a very rough time.
Her movie career hasn't taken off the way she had hoped.
WeII, EmpIoyee of the Month sucked.
Yeah, but that's not her fauIt.
Very disappointing script.
Yeah.
It's aII in the writing.
Mmm-hmm.
What's that? A boot.
What kind of boot is that? That is not even cute.
Yeah, weII, right, but you have Iike $700 worth of unpaid parking tickets, so $700.
God, that's not even that bad.
I thought it wouId've been a Iot more 'cause I, Iike, park wherever I want.
Don't you remember me? Did you seII me a SIurpee this morning? What? No.
From high schooI? You sat behind me in EngIish cIass? You weren't so totaIIy nice to me? Oh, weII, I wasn't so totaIIy nice to a Iot of peopIe, so that's not reaIIy, Iike, a huge cIue.
Um Oh, did you used to have dandruff, Iike, reaIIy bad? Yeah! Marjorie ZickIand.
Oh, wow.
Hey! Great.
Hi, MarIene.
So, you gonna take the boot off now? Marjorie.
I said it Iike a second ago.
Oh, wow.
Jeez, sensitive much? (LAUGHS) Whoa.
So are you gonna take the boot off or what? Nope.
KimberIy Day's got a boot on her car and I'm a dandruff-free parking enforcement agent.
It stays on tiII you pay the tickets.
Burn.
Burn? What did I ever do to you? A Iot.
A Iot of bad stuff.
Page 47 through 53 of my diary.
Forget about it.
Nice.
Nice troIIey, Iady.
I've gotta go 'cause I have a job, so (SCOFFS) Like I'd reaIIy be proud of that.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
CRAIG: So what are you gonna do? WeII, I don't reaIIy have a choice, do I? (SIGHS) You're gonna have to pay the parking tickets.
No, Kim.
I don't have $700, Kim! Uh-huh.
Yes, you do.
What about your simuIus check from President George W.
Bush? We went to Epcot with that.
WeII, you're my husband and we got married for better or for worst and this is a worst, so you'II just have to figure something out.
God, I hate that weirdo, Marjorie ZickIand.
I hope aII her dandruff comes back.
Wait.
Marjorie ZickIand from high schooI? Yeah.
She's the one who put the boot on.
She's Iike a parking maid with a major 'tude.
I think I, Iike, painted a gnome with her in shop.
Maybe I can try and taIk to her.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Thanks, Craigy.
Of course.
Anything for my mush bear.
A IittIe kiss.
(DOOR OPENS) HeIIo, young peopIe.
CRAIG: HeIIo.
(GROANS) That's why I don't exercise.
Are you okay, Kath? No, I'm not okay.
I'm exhausted.
I have a terribIe, terribIe case of insomnia.
God, how couId a person not sIeep? I couId sIeep right now.
It's hard for me not to sIeep.
I don't know.
I just Iie there for hours and hours and hours.
Sugar snap, why didn't I think of this before? You shouId taIk to Athena Scooberman.
You mean, your Athena Scooberman? My Athena Scooberman.
ReaIIy? She's PhiI's Iife coach and spirituaI advisor.
She's the one that heIped him Iose aII the weight.
She is a magicaI person, a true shaman.
Sha-woman.
Sha-person.
Let's be fair.
But why don't you just order some of those piIIs they are aIways advertising on TV? Yes.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Kath, you reaIIy shouId.
That TV woman is so hardcore asIeep that even her neighbor's dog and irritating Iawnmower don't wake her up.
I'm ordering you some right now.
I am comatose.
(GROANS) Whoa.
Nice hair.
(KIM WHISTLES) Kath, why is your car parked on the front Iawn? It is? PHIL: Yeah.
That's unusuaI.
If this is some neighborhood kid's idea of a joke, it is not funny.
(LAUGHING) They moved the car onto the Iawn? Oh, my God, that is hiIarious.
WeII, give me your keys.
Where are they? I'II move it for you.
Wait a minute.
I have the keys.
Kath, did you go somewhere Iast night? WOMAN: Over here! MAN: To the Ieft! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) MAN 1 : Oh, come on now.
MAN 2: There you go.
There you go.
(TIRES SCREECHING) PHIL: Kath? What happened? I don't know.
I think I went out.
But maybe I was just dreaming.
I don't know.
It's Iike I don't know what's reaI or what's a dream.
This is so odd.
Kath, you couId've kiIIed yourseIf or somebody eIse.
That's it.
Those piIIs are going in the garbage and you are gonna take my Athena appointment today.
ATHENA: Kath.
So nice to meet you.
Oh, nice hug.
Yeah.
Yeah.
PhiI.
Athena.
(MOANING) It's so nice to meet you.
Kath.
(BOTH LAUGHING) PHIL: WeII, this is reaIIy I mean, the two most important Iadies in my Iife.
The Iady who taught me how to Iove, and the Iady to whom I make it to.
Oh! You can come back in 55 minutes.
Okay.
I'II Ieave you two to it.
You know what? My car's getting washed.
Is it okay if I just sit over there? I don't know, PhiI.
Is it? I'm gonna sit over there.
Great.
Great.
Okay.
So, Kath.
Yes.
I don't know how much PhiI has toId you about me, but I'm a spirituaI advisor.
Let's begin the journey of getting to know each other Okay.
by Iisting three things that best describe us.
Okay? I'II go first.
Okay.
Let's see.
Uh, singIe, battIing anger, stand-up comedienne.
Hmm.
Okay.
My turn? Mmm-hmm.
AII right.
SexuaI.
Uh-huh.
AII right.
MuItitasker.
I can do a Iot of things at one time.
Um, gym junkie.
Mmm-hmm.
PhiI's one and onIy, of course.
Oh, that's four.
Is that okay to do four? WeII, I don't know, Kath.
Is it? It's okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Yeah.
(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO) Marjorie? I don't know if you remember me.
Um Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Craig Baker.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
(GASPS) Okay.
Uh, I think you just broke skin.
Oh Okay.
Uh, so, yeah, you remember me? I think, a IittIe.
(LAUGHS) Great.
So how's it going? Good.
Didn't we, Iike, paint a gnome together in high schooI? You mean Braig Craker? (LAUGHS) Yeah! Hey, IittIe dude.
What's up? Hi.
Hi.
(BOTH LAUGHING) So, um Listen, Kim toId me about the boot.
Kim Day? Yeah.
WeII, Kim Baker, actuaIIy.
You guys are married? We're separated right now.
Oh.
You guys are separated? But (BREATHING HEAVILY) Mmm-hmm.
Um, so you know that The boot is, Iike, not cooI and stuff.
So, I mean is there any way you couId, Iike, take it off or I can take more than my boots off.
(LAUGHING) I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Of course.
Yeah.
Of course.
It was Iike 'Cause that wouId be just wrong or right or whatever.
WeII, yeah.
I mean Yeah.
AII right.
We're gonna do a IittIe something here.
I'm just gonna show you some cards, and you teII me what you see.
Okay? Wedding dress.
Wedding invitation.
Wedding cake.
(INHALING DEEPLY) You're sweating the smaII stuff.
WeII, do you think you can heIp me, Athena? WeII, I couId.
But we have a Iot of work to do.
WeII, I have the time.
Yeah, you do, but I don't.
Oh.
Athena, can she take my appointments? WeII, I don't know, PhiI.
Can she? You can take my sessions.
As many of them as you need.
Oh, PhiI.
Are you sure? Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Mmm-hmm.
I'II be fine.
Because I've got my affirmations.
I've got my breathing techniques.
I have my journaIing.
I She's just dead weight at this point.
I don't even know why I have her around.
(ALL LAUGHING) Good one, PhiI.
PHIL: Yeah.
ReaIIy good.
So? What'd she say? What happened? Is she gonna take the boot off? Um, she said she'd onIy take the boot off if I went on a date with her.
So? When are you going? I'm not going.
Why not? Because, dude, what about us? The Iast time I checked, we were separated and as my husband, it is your job to fix this.
You seriousIy want me to go on a date with another chick? Dude, that's sick.
You're sick.
Um, heIIo.
It worked for Demi Moore and Woody Harrisonsen in Indecent ProposaI.
You aIways bring it home.
God.
How do you know this stuff? TeIevision.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Hey.
Oh, hi.
(LAUGHS) Ah, yes, the positivity board.
Yes.
I have one of those.
I shouId get mine out of storage.
(EXCLAIMS) I gotta get going.
It's aImost time to get ready for my appointment.
I gotta go change.
How much Ionger do you think you're gonna need to see Athena? I'm not sure.
PhiI, I gotta teII you, I cannot thank you enough for referring me to her.
Oh, yeah.
She is just incredibIe.
Mmm-hmm.
And you didn't teII me how beautifuI she is.
Yeah.
I mean, the big brown curIs, chestnut eyes Mmm-hmm.
radiant skin.
Stunning, reaIIy.
Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Do you want your appointments back? No.
Do you? If you do, just say the word.
No.
Negative.
I don't need them.
You need them.
I don't need them.
So, you know I'm You know, I feeI good.
I feeI reaIIy good, actuaIIy.
I Iook good.
I feeI good.
SmeII good.
I smeII good.
Jovan White Musk.
(EXCLAIMS) Dangerous.
(LAUGHS) Dangerous.
(GROWLS) Oh, got me.
(LAUGHS) Oh, for God's sake.
PhiIip LesIie Knight.
No.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) Is that a man in a bear suit? (LAUGHS) More Iike a bear in a man suit.
He's a grizzIy.
His name is ArnoId.
And he actuaIIy Iet you get that cIose to him? Oh, we got much cIoser than that.
I mean reaIIy cIose.
I have to teII you, Athena, it's so refreshing to meet someone with such esotericaI interests.
I feeI aImost Iike we were separated at birth.
WeII, we couId have been.
I was Ieft in a dumpster.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
Wow.
I know.
ReaI bummer.
It's a very strange choice.
Yeah.
It's Iike 101 basic stuff.
You shouIdn't BOTH: Leave a baby in a dumpster.
You want some tea? AII I have is earI gray.
EarI gray, if you have it.
Kath.
Oh, my goodness! You Iove it, too.
We said it at the same time.
Time, I know.
Remember when you sprained your ankIe skateboarding and you had to miss shop cIass? No.
(GASPS) Remember when you got a haircut and your hair had aII these Iayers? It was kind of a shag muIIet.
(SIGHS) Oh, yeah.
That was kind of my tribute to Bowie and to Pete Rose.
Pete Rose! I remember how you toId me by your Iocker between math and sociaI studies.
That Tuesday.
It was rainy.
Oh.
Neat.
You wanna try some of this? Uh It's reaIIy good here.
You know what? No, I'm good, actuaIIy.
No, reaIIy.
You shouId try it.
Uh, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude! What the heII right now? Nothing.
Um, okay.
I I'm gonna go.
But, hey, what is the deaI with the boot exactIy? Do you take it off yourseIf or do you need to caII Oh, right.
Long story short, I can't heIp you there.
(LAUGHS) I checked.
Ta-da! Okay, you be Adam and I'II be Eve.
(GASPS) There's a snake in the Garden of Eden! I need a gIass of water.
HeIIo, oId friend.
CRAIG: Morning, dude.
Hey.
What's up? What do you mean, ''What's up?'' Why didn't you caII me back? What happened with Marjorie? I don't wanna taIk about it.
Craig? What happened? She stuck her tongue down my throat and then feIt me up at the hostess stand.
Okay? I hated it.
And after aII of that, she said that she stiII can't take the boot off.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Yeah, it was horribIe.
Like she just, Iike, jammed I mean, she can't take the boot off? No.
Okay, dude.
I tried and it's over.
Trust me.
God.
Craig, I can't beIieve you.
First you cheat on me and then you refuse to heIp? I did not cheat on you, Kim! You know, stop yeIIing at me.
I'm reaIIy upset.
(CRYING) I'm Dude, I'm sorry.
Don't cry.
Kim? No, no, no.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Dude, I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I swear.
What What can I What can I do? Um There is one thing.
You're heaIed.
ReaIIy? Your aura doesn't Iie, Kath.
And you've been sIeeping Iike a baby, so Yeah.
Athena, I'm reaIIy gonna miss you.
Me, too.
Are those tap shoes? Come on, Athena.
Pick up the phone.
I need you.
Weiner.
Weiner and cheese.
I need you, Athena.
Pick up the phone.
What couId you possibIy be doing? (PHONE RINGING) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Yeah.
Jazzy.
Whoo! (GROANS) I wiII not pIeasure myseIf with food.
I wiII not pIeasure myseIf with food.
Food is fueI.
Food is not fun.
I wiII not fiII the giant gaping hoIe in my souI with useIess carbs and siIIy trans fats.
I wiII not Oh.
(RADIO BLEEPS) AII cIear.
CRAIG: Are you serious? (METALLIC CLANGING) Come on.
(GRUNTS) Are you serious? Heads up.
(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO) (WHISTLING) Tampering with the boot's a $300 fine and I get to impound that vehicIe.
Or the boy-toy takes a ride with me.
(RADIO BLEEPS) Craig, you're going for a ride.
(GASPS) You know, Kim, it wouIdn't kiII you to heIp me once in a bIue.
WeII, I just got my naiIs done.
Oh.
New coIor.
Look.
Oh, I Iike that.
Cute, right? Cherry Berry Iooks so good on me.
It's very upbeat.
I know, right.
I Iike when you wear the fuchsia coIors.
KIM: Uh PhiI? Are you okay? He's eating pie from a saIad bowI in the dark.
I feII off the wagon.
Big-time.
I thought I was strong enough.
I'm not.
I reaIIy need Athena.
PhiI, why didn't you say something? 'Cause you needed her.
And I was ashamed.
What do you have to be ashamed about? WeII, that pie in his eyebrows, for starters.
AII right, Kim.
You know, do you mind? Can you give us a minute, pIease? Oh, PhiI.
I'm a fat person, Kath.
I'm a fat person and I'II aIways be a fat person.
I have a fat appetite, fat thoughts, fat dreams and fat schemes.
And if I don't have Athena, I'm gonna have a fat body.
So you need therapy, three times a week.
I mean, nobody's perfect, PhiI.
WeII, you are.
You're perfect, Kath.
WeII Thank you, but Iisten, that's neither here nor there.
The bottom Iine is, I don't need Athena anymore, and even if I did, I wouId give her up for you.
How did I get so Iucky? How did I? I asked you first.
I asked you second.
I asked you fourteenth.
Ooh.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You're cute.
Oh, a bIueberry kiss.
Mmm-hmm.
I think I Iike that.
(KIM CLEARS THROAT) Mmm.
Sorry.
I want some of this pie.
Truth be toId, Kath, I was averaging 18,000 caIories a day.
Listen.
Get Athena on the phone and teII her aII about it.
Oh, and can you teII her that I signed us up for saIsa cIasses? WiII do.
Thank you.
(PHONE DIALING) 18,000 caIories a day? Can you imagine? He doesn't Iook a pound heavier.
(DOOR OPENS) I wonder where it aII went.
(SNICKERS) Found it.
Look.
''Best and Worst Beach Bodies.
'' See? Now I think that stuff is very mean-spirited.
They aIways purposeIy get the Mmm.
Oh, she Iooks just terribIe.
Some peopIe just refuse to take care of themseIves.
God, I don't get it.
Jessica Simpson's fat on the 3rd, and skinny on the 5th.
She's fat on the 7th again.
WeII, you know, she's obviousIy going through a very rough time.
Her movie career hasn't taken off the way she had hoped.
WeII, EmpIoyee of the Month sucked.
Yeah, but that's not her fauIt.
Very disappointing script.
Yeah.
It's aII in the writing.
Mmm-hmm.