Kenan (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1
All right, y'all,
so big week for the show.
We have our big
Wednesday's Gal wedding.
I cannot believe we're
still doing that segment.
Setting up desperate women
with Atlanta's most eligible bachelors
was all right ten years ago,
but now it seems sad and dangerous.
It is, which is why it crushes.
- Yeah.
- I thought Wednesday's Gal
was an adoption segment.
You're confusing that
with Wednesday's Child,
which is where we take one of Atlanta's
most eligible orphans,
set them up with a home.
- That's nice.
- Can we please remind viewers
that you cannot adopt a Wednesday's Gal
or marry a Wednesday's Child?
I get a lot of weird emails.
I emailed you once.
Now, I do have a big surprise
Phil can adopt Wednesday's Gal?
What? Pam, no.
- No?
- It's that our very 1st,
4th, 18th, 31st, 47th,
60th, and 89th Wednesday's Gal,
Glory Clarke,
is the one getting married!
- Oh, my goodness.
- Ooh, goodness.
- Yeah, she's a party girl.
- Okay, wow.
- Where'd you get these pictures?
- From her Instagram.
- Ooh.
- Oh, she in pain and relaxed.
Oh, Glory.
Remember when she got super drunk
and told her date,
"I wanna eat your yawn"?
And then she recently dated
our super weird editor
that knows an uncomfortable amount
- about Finnish politics?
- Bruce.
Yes, that's the one Glory's marrying.
- Hmm.
- They're getting married?
Uh, Mika, don't you think
Glory might be settling
a little bit so she can
finally have her "big wedding"?
I mean, they've known
each other for, like, a month.
Who cares?
They have passion, and that's
the foundation for love.
What? Wait, you think that passion
is the foundation for love?
Something so toxic
they literally named a crime after it?
Okay, Kenan, so what do you think
is the foundation for love?
Respect, compatibility,
logic, common values?
You sound like you shopping for a Prius.
Why are we talking about this?
Is this meeting over now?
And you sound like you're
trying to convince yourself
that these two people are in love
because you know how big of a cash cow
this wedding is gonna be for us.
Okay, yes, the wedding
happens to generate
enough revenue to get
the network off my back,
but that doesn't mean
that it's not about love.
And luckily, it's not your job
to say what's not love,
it's your job to shut up
and read what's on the cards.
Oh. Ow.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, what is this?
"The phrase 'I now
pronounce you man and wife
"is brought to you
by Geraldson's Diamonds,
"now 70% less bloody"?
Yeah, Geraldson's is the main
sponsor for the wedding.
Look: "Honeymoon brought to you
"by Honey Breath Candy Vapes.
- "A party for your kids' face."
- Okay.
What the hell, Mika? Mi-Mi-Mika!
Yeah, she gone, bro.
Congratulations, you two.
- Oh, thanks, Kenan.
- Oh, thank you!
- Congratulations.
- Ah!
I did that!
I have to sell that even
though I don't believe in it.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
Mm-hmm, yeah, Mika's got me
betraying my audience, man.
- Hmm?
- I am their friend.
That's how they look at me.
They don't look at me like I'm
the Postmates man who lingers.
Get on out of here, Postmates man!
Yeah, okay, fam, but what I
meant was you're this angry
because you got the crush.
- On Mika?
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Yeah.
- What? What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- What?
- You through?
- What.
- Oh, you have more.
- No, no. Man, we could not be,
more wrong for each other.
Look, I'm not trying to push
you, but I do gotta ask.
I mean, I don't make the news.
I just report it.
I didn't build the house.
I just live in it, rent-free.
I got it Gary, but you wrong, man.
I'm only mad
because she's got me out here
hustling all these products.
Look: "WTF Sunblock
for Nighttime by Geraldson's."
Man, them damn people got
their hands in everything.
More like they stole my damn idea.
Don't you remember Sun-Scream?
Had the logo and everything,
little ghost in a bikini?
Oh, yeah, I do remember that.
Why'd you use a picture of Mom?
Pay somebody else
for a picture of they body?
Hell no, that's just good business.
- Mm-hmm.
- But let's go ahead
and circle back to my favorite soda,
which is Strawberry Crush.
- You think Mika likes it too?
- No!
I mean, let's circle back
to your thing.
Why'd you give up on all
that entrepreneurial stuff?
Back then you were good.
If I remember correctly,
you had some other ideas, too,
didn't you?
You know I did! You know I do!
Like street legal golf carts,
or fruit-flavored meat.
Yes, those are both great, man.
- You should revisit 'em.
- Right?
Oh, a whole loaf of bread
that is just the ends,
called Booty Bread!
Hold up, man. You my ride.
- Oh, yes!
- That's a drop.
- I'm winning, right?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Ooh, pass the rock!
- No can do, Gar.
We're in the middle
of a very close game.
We think.
Yeah, it's so much fun!
Uh, 3:45, you know what that means.
15 minutes of silent play.
- This is my favorite part.
- Me too.
Yo, they're really into this.
When'd you come up with that?
Like, half a fútbol game
and six "Shark Tanks" ago.
It started as a way
for them to leave me alone
so I could watch TV.
Fun for the whole family?
I don't know, Rick, I think
we could monetize this,
maybe even get it on "Shark Tank."
Oh, it's just a child
distraction tactic.
Like climate change.
No, trust me.
I'm a bit of an entrepreneur.
- Are you?
- Mm-hmm.
Or are you just a person
that's realizing that his life
is going in the wrong direction
and you're panicking?
Entrepreneur. Look, man.
We could definitely get this
on the Tank.
I know the guy that
teaches slang to Mark Cuban.
This is too dumb for the Tank.
Those are the greatest
business minds on Earth.
And Robert Herjavec.
Think about it.
This could be your legacy.
I call it "Papaball."
Papaball? Hmm?
Yeah, I guess we could
develop it a little bit.
Ah, we in business of Papaball, y'all!
Oh, yay! Yay!
Oh, that's minus ten points
for the noise.
Oh right! Sorry.
Ugh, I can't believe I have to wear
this stupid thing for the wedding.
Oh, it's cute.
You look like a really
accomplished Girl Scout.
Nah, he looks like he's
going to a NASCAR funeral.
I feel like junk mail.
I mean, what is Messy Water?
It's what we're drinking, dawg.
The world's finest
water-flavored malt beverage.
- Water doesn't have a flavor.
- That's the point.
You can take it to the gym
and no one knows.
- Mommy's little secret.
- "Now with 75% alcohol"? Good Lord.
What monster would make this?
Lemme guess. Geraldson's.
Yup, of course.
They also make my daughter's
adorable diaper thongs.
God, they got their
dirty mitts in everything.
Fracking, private prisons.
They published Woody Allen's last book,
which isn't even funny essays.
It's a memoir.
I'm gonna talk to Mika.
I have had four of these.
Oh, you should be dead.
Geraldson's is the devil.
You know, it's bad enough
you got me selling out love
by selling every inch
of this sham wedding,
but you couldn't even find a buyer
with some human decency?
There's something
that we can disagree with
with any corporation, right?
Mika, they make Jeff Bezos
look like the Burt's Bees guy.
All right, I've heard just about enough.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you were in a meeting.
- I'm Kenan.
- I'm Tony Geraldson.
- Yeah.
- And scene.
Yeah, that's the the sketch
that we wanted pitch you guys.
Just to show that
you can laugh at yourselves
We're pulling our sponsorship
from the wedding.
Yup.
- And we'll take our tux back too.
- Oh, okay. All right.
You don't got to be so aggressive.
Tony, you're tickling me! You know what?
Why don't I get it dry cleaned for you?
Got a little sweaty as I
was running up the stairs.
You're not laughing.
- Mika, come on.
- So let me get this straight.
When it comes to love,
you're all about respect,
logic, being levelheaded,
but when it comes to your job,
you act like a drunken sorority girl
on the first night of semester at sea?
Okay, well, in my defense,
I might have had a little bit
of that Messy Water, and I had a buzz.
- Kenan!
- All right, my bad.
If ever there was a time for an
Edible Arrangement, it's now,
- so where do you land on honeydew?
- You think this is funny?
I told you the network's
on my ass about finding
new revenue streams,
and this wedding was it.
But of course you have
a problem with it,
just like you had a problem
with the fourth hour,
because you're a diva.
Whoa!
- I am not a diva.
- Whatever.
I hope whoever they hire to replace me
once they find out this wedding's dead
can find a way to monetize this show
without offending your delicate palate.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I don't really even know why
I'm tripping on this whole
thing in the first place.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Question: If I were willing
to get a tattoo
absolutely anywhere,
what other swag could we get?
Guys, I'm sorry to break this to you,
but we have some not-so-good news.
Uh, because it's great news.
We got you an early wedding gift.
A couples massage,
but you gotta go right now.
Yay! I love lotion and robes.
They remind me of the hotel
where I was born.
Let's go, Brucie!
I'm not super comfortable
taking my clothes off
in front of anyone.
- Bruce, I want this.
- Me too!
It'll give me a chance
to air out my moles.
Cool, cool, cool.
All right, scat, you two.
Somebody's got some rubbin' comin'.
Mika, come on, we can do this.
We just need to find
a new sponsor, right?
Kenan, it's way too late for that.
Giving up?
That is not the Mika Caldwell I know.
I mean, I have solved
every true crime podcast
before the cops.
But look, national sponsors
do their media buys way in advance.
Well, who said anything about national?
I mean, a bunch of local sponsorships
is just as good as one big one, right?
- Yeah.
- And how many boudoir photo studios
do you pass on the way to work?
- A lot.
- Exactly.
There's plenty of mom and pop
shops that need to advertise,
so let's do some show business!
Okay, but first,
you gotta take off that jacket.
- I can't look at it anymore.
- Oh, yeah, it's itchy,
- and it stinks.
- Yeah.
- Help me.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, here we go.
- Let's do this.
I cannot believe I'm speaking
to the Mama May
from Mama May I Have Another Biscuit?
Yes, our show reaches an average
of over 100,000 Atlantans,
and studies show that
most of them are online
shopping while they watch.
And I'm calling to see
if you wanted to get
a little more exposure
for your biscuits.
And no, you don't
have to take your top off.
Kenan, you can't lead
with a topless joke.
- Yup.
- Nice.
Look, I don't care what they say.
Too Hot to Try Wings are
the most fire wings in Atlanta.
Yeah, hold on one second.
Yeah, Too Hot to Try Wings
are trash, man.
Can I count on your
sponsorship, Mr. Bling Wings?
Yes! Thank you very much.
Now, that's how you sell.
Thank you.
All right.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes!
We make the perfect team,
right, partner?
You with your crunching numbers
and business savvy,
and me with my pants-dropping charm.
I think I'm more the numbers
and the charm.
They just can't see my smile
over the phone.
Mm-hmm.
What?
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Here we go.
- Yup.
- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah, you won!
- Come on!
Hula hoop dance.
That's four points for Birdie.
And five for Aubrey.
- I can't believe it went in!
- I can still play!
- Go, go.
- Come on.
Um what's all this?
Welcome to Papaball Swag.0.
Now rougher and tougher.
This is not my game.
You can develop this without me.
I mean, Papaball is supposed
to be a simple, American game,
like fútbol
or eating laundry detergent.
With all disrespect,
you sound dumb as hell, man.
We're trying to take this
into the 20th century.
All right, girls.
Since you ain't called time out,
you both lose your Hooplers.
- Aww.
- That's right.
Give me a Hoopler. Now I gotta hoop.
Like a couple grand?
Well, actually the price
is about $10,000,
but since I put your ranch
on everything from wings
- to the bags under my eyes
- Uhhuh.
I can give it to you for,
I think, about 8,700.
- All right, let's do it.
- Yes!
- Dope!
- Dope.
Oh, yeah, dope. Or whatever, bye.
Yeah!
- We did it!
- Let's go, team!
- Whoo!
- Mm!
I can't believe you!
- You're the one that wanted to go!
- I've had enough!
I was just letting her do her job.
I bet you would let her do
any type of job she wanted.
What's going on, you two?
I thought you were getting pampered.
We got kicked out because someone
started yelling at the masseuse.
Yeah. You!
I said "someone"!
I saw the way you
pulled down your towel,
Mr. I Don't Like to Take My
Clothes Off in Front of Anyone!
- She told me to.
- So you admit it?
That's it. The wedding's off!
I hope you and Oksana
are very happy together!
Why are these stairs so loud?
Of course this would happen to me.
I mean, why would a girl
like that wanna be
with a guy like me
no matter how much I love her?
I should've just stayed
in my editing cave.
Aww, that is so sad.
Is it?
I mean, I hate to say this,
but I think I was right
when I said Bruce and Glory
were wrong for each other.
- You did not hate saying that.
- No, I did not.
Honestly, Bruce and Glory
splitting up is a win-win.
We already got the sponsorship money,
so the network can't be mad at you,
and now you don't have
to produce the wedding.
This is way bigger than work, okay?
We disrupted fate.
Bruce and Glory
were supposed to get married.
What if they were gonna
have a little genius baby
like Elon Musk,
but with a good personality?
We gotta fix this.
It's fate that they didn't
get married, all right?
They're not compatible at all.
Maybe they're not compatible,
but trust me,
I can tell they're in love,
and that's all that matters.
Trust me, I think I know
a little something about marriage.
Oh, and I don't?
Well, I mean, no offense,
but I have been married, and you got
- Engaged five times?
- So you know what?
I knew you had a problem with that.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Cori and I were married for 13 years.
I mean, that's the baker's decade!
Okay, you made it down
the aisle, congratulations.
That doesn't make you
an expert on love.
You've been in one
successful relationship,
I've been in way more.
That all ended.
Doesn't mean they weren't successful.
Would you trust a chef
who's only cooked one meal
or a dancer whose only move
was the Cabbage Patch?
And I intentionally bring up that move
because it's the only dance you
think you know, but you don't.
This is the Cabbage Patch,
and your jerk self
has been doing the Tootsie Roll
this whole time.
What! You want me to do
- the Cabbage Patch?
- Let's see it.
- I will do the Cabbage Patch all day, son.
- Bring it, son.
- Watch my Cabbage Patch.
- Hit me.
- Right here.
- What?
This is the Cabbage Patch
that I got for you ♪
This is the Cabbage Patch.
Hey, which one of us
is doing the Cabbage Patch?
Carl, ain't this the Cabbage Patch?
- Watch my Cabbage Patch.
- Cabbage Patch.
Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪
Cabbage Patch around the world!
Somebody boiling cabbage in here!
- He's staying in place!
- Cabbage Patch.
- Uh, G-man, can we talk?
- Ooh, perfect timing.
I'm working on our Papaball
pitch for the Sharks.
It's 11 seconds long,
lightning graphics.
We are gonna slay.
Gary!
We're supposed to do this together.
I mean, this thing's kinda
spinning out of control.
Rick, I'm just trying to take
Papaball to a new height.
And you're like a plane
that just won't take off.
It's just sitting
on the tarmac at O'Hare.
No, no, I'm the captain of this thing,
and I kindly gave you
some of the controls,
and now you're flying us into Midway,
the least convenient airport!
Look, I don't know what all this
Chicago aviation talk is about,
but if you don't wanna
take my genius ideas,
then I'm out.
- Fine.
- Then I'm out too.
- I'm going upstairs.
- So am I.
Finally, something we can do together.
Oh, whatever.
- Forget it, I'm going outside.
- Don't let the door hit you!
It never does! I know how to use doors.
- No!
- Whoa!
What you doing here, man?
Yo, it's just.
Had to get out the house, man.
- Me and Rick got into it.
- Yeah?
What, was he walking around
with his robe open again?
Nah, I mean, he invented
this game for the girls
and I tried to make it better,
but I think I ended up messing it up.
Well, that's very on brand for you.
I'm already being vulnerable,
man, I don't need that.
- All right.
- Uh, what?
Please don't tell anyone
I Postmated crab cakes to my trunk.
- I won't.
- Oh, I have to.
Look, no. I'm sorry it didn't work out
with you and Bruce,
but we'll keep making you
Wednesday's Gal
until we find the perfect guy for you.
I already found the perfect guy: Bruce!
I love him so much!
I don't deserve a man like that.
But you literally have
nothing in common.
Y'all go together
like peanut butter and jelly.
Am I really the only one
that hates that combo?
Look, I can't explain it.
He just makes me so happy
and jealous and horny.
Bruce? The same guy that wore
his regular clothes inside out
for Halloween?
Oh, my God, Kenan. Yes!
They love each other even though
it don't make no damn sense.
Haven't you ever had
somebody in your life
who you shouldn't be with
for so many reasons
but it doesn't matter,
you still wanna be with them?
- Mika.
- What was that now?
- Mika was right.
- Hmm.
Glory and Bruce belong together.
It doesn't matter. It's over.
Why would he take me back now?
Because he loves you too.
He told me himself.
Now you get up out of that trunk
and go in the studio and find your man.
He's probably in there
drowning his sorrows
in a hard milkshake or something.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I'm coming, Bruce!
- Wow.
I guess sometimes
people can belong together
even though it seems hella wrong.
- Told you.
- Uh, no.
I learned the lesson
all by myself, thank you.
Okay.
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, babies.
Oh, your daddy has had a day.
Why has your day been bad, Daddy?
Because he got into it with Mika today.
Ooh, you better not be mean to Mika.
She's the best.
Yeah, well, look what I got for y'all.
Lollies!
- What's up, Papa?
- Hey.
Gary, hey, look! I got a water.
Just a plain old water,
simple, classic.
- Wanna tweak it all by yourself?
- Look, Rick.
I ruined Papaball, all right?
It's my bad.
I don't care about that game.
I just said I wanted to develop it
because it was something fun
to do together.
No, it was, man.
You know I get carried away with stuff.
But it was exciting to imagine
having a job I cared about.
No offense, Kenan.
It's just I'm your brother.
I'm not a real manager.
I'm definitely not an entrepreneur.
I'm nothing.
I'm just 35 years old and
nothing going on in my life.
Oh, were we supposed
to disagree with that?
Because facts is facts, dawg.
Hold up, man.
You're a great best friend.
- Come on.
- And a great uncle.
And his farts are really loud.
- Oh, she got you there.
- Facts is facts.
Hey, just came by
to let you know that we have
a dress rehearsal right now
for the wedding 'cause
I was right ♪
Yeah, I was right ♪
- Yes, you were.
- Yup.
Went to Bruce's edit bay last night
to try to help get them
get back together,
but guess what;
They were already together.
Like, very together.
Like, picture how many moles
you think Bruce has, then double it.
No, thanks, I'm scared my
brain is gonna get stuck there.
Well, passion won out
completely on its own this time.
I told you they were meant
to be together.
We didn't even have to fix it.
No, we didn't have to anything.
- I'm happy for them.
- For real?
'Cause I thought
they weren't compatible,
and I didn't know
anything about marriage.
Yeah, well, I thought about it,
and you're the smartest person I know.
So I should probably listen
to you way more often.
About everything.
I'm sorry about what I said.
I guess the Lord
of the Engagement Rings
does know a thing or two after all.
- Okay, you know what?
- I'm sorry too.
And if you don't wanna do
any of that sponsorship stuff,
I can have Tami
Oh, my, what?
These are the sponsors we got together.
Yeah, I had Shane in wardrobe
put it together last night.
Figured the wedding
might be back on because
I was right, I was right ♪
- I could take it off.
- Okay.
Girl, you are so silly, girl.
I was right ♪
Buck up, kid.
I got you a little something
to cheer you up.
If you're not a real entrepreneur,
how come your company has a
commercial running on local TV?
Wow, you did that for me?
It's our game now.
That is such a huge waste of money!
Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered here today
to join Bruce and Glory
in holy matrimony.
And to introduce a sport
that almost swept the country:
Rick and Gary Ball.
- Whoo! Almost.
- Shh.
Go ahead, y'all. Do the wedding.
Just let it rain ♪
Well, you did it.
We did it.
Thanks for doing all that.
I know you didn't love it.
Of course. Anything for you.
You know, when you're right,
you're right.
I guess sometimes no matter
how many reasons there are
that it seems two people
shouldn't be together
Scary reasons, big life reasons
Sometimes you just can't
keep them apart.
- Right?
- Right.
- Wanna dance?
- Of course.
Out on the sun ♪
I know you, you know me ♪
And it doesn't
get much better, baby ♪
- Hi, Dad, Mika!
- Hey, baby!
- Hey!
- All right, let's do it.
Oh, let's get the happy couple
over here!
Ring around the couple ♪
Somebody got married ♪
Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪
Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
It's like this.