Kevin From Work (2015) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Oh man, I did not get a lot of sleep after that earthquake last night.
Yeah, me neither.
I got to meet my neighbors, though.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
There was one guy who had a whole bunch of my old credit card receipts.
And how cool is that? It's like a super fan.
And how's Roxie? She okay? She slept through the whole thing.
That's her pure heart.
No worries to keep her awake.
Well, it's either that or the 48 hours of straight partying.
(chuckles) That girl knows how to live life.
Sleeping her day away.
"Sorry, closed today.
Earthquake damage.
" Yeah, all right! That's a paid day off right there.
But you know what? Promise I'm not gonna waste this one.
See, there was a power outage back in January and I spent the whole day trying to peel an orange in one piece.
Closest I got was 12 pieces.
That's pretty good.
(phone buzzes) - It's from Patti.
Ah "Earthquake damage.
Handyman me.
"Will pay you with a fat Franklin.
" Hope that means 100 bucks and not a sex position.
Ha! Right? - You're sick.
- Come on.
- But I like it.
- Yeah.
Um, anyway, I got - I got some big news.
- Oh, yeah? I got contacted by this headhunter who wanted to know if I was interested in a new job.
- Cool.
- Yeah, might be out of town.
And I might be getting pissed off right now, Kev.
Don't you dare put me on this roller coaster again.
Man, I gotta at least hear what she has to offer, right? I'm gonna video chat with her later this morning.
What about Audrey? Ever since my big stand, she's just backed right off.
You know? Unless, of course, she's reminding me that she has a boyfriend.
It's incessant.
Brock thinks Brock says Brock did Brock Brock Brock So, if she's doubling down on Brock, then I might as well be somewhere else.
But, hey, you know, at least you and Roxie will have each other.
Nah, no we won't.
Not in a biblical sense.
Meaning, like, we wouldn't go to church together because that girl isn't built for church.
I'm gonna walk you to chur work.
- Let's go on to work again.
- Okay.
(theme music plays) Because it's all good It's all, all, it's all good Uh-huh, yup, it's all good Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good Because it's all good It's all, all, it's all good Uh-huh, yup, it's all good Have a good one.
Oh, Kevin! That was some earthquake last night.
Sorry, I promised Brock I'd call him when I got to work safely.
So, excuse me.
(phone rings) Julia's not coming in because of the earthquake.
She had structural damage.
One of her boobs popped.
Oh.
So, we have to do an earthquake drill without her.
Corporate mandate.
I thought you should know since you're earthquake captain.
What? Why? Since when? Apparently, when you applied to work here, you listed CPR certified on your resume under special skills.
We await your orders.
Kind of ironic since under special skills I put "extensive knowledge of plate tectonics.
" But, whatever.
Roxie, what are you doing here? Did you know that there was an earthquake last night? Yes, I did.
It woke me right up.
Well, when I woke up an hour ago, the freakiest thing happened.
You know that cinnamon-scented candle I have? You know, the one that I use to cover up the smells of sweaty, steamy Know the candle.
Did not know its purpose.
Well, it was shattered! Glass all over my floor.
Thank God that lady I call to clean the apartment sometimes swept it up before I got out of bed.
So, you're okay, and you'll get a new candle, and you'll never tell me what it's for again.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? I have to go organize this earthquake drill, which could not come at a worse time.
But I'm just gonna power through.
What are you doing? I don't know.
Some weird sibling instinct deep in my brain told me to reach out to you.
Hmm.
And now, another instinct is telling me to let go 'cause your hand is like a sweaty meat pie.
Thank you.
Wait, I love you, though.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
But Patti didn't send you that text.
I sent it from her phone.
Oh.
That's cool.
I'm no stranger to false pretenses.
There is a crack in the plaster in the bedroom.
I told Patti I would fix it.
I cannot.
And, I'm afraid after last night Patti may be questioning my manhood.
- (rumbling) - Dev: What's that? -It's an earthquake.
It's an earthquake! -(car alarms blaring) Aah! I'm not ready to die! It was not my finest hour.
Okay.
Here's what we do.
I'm gonna fix the plaster.
Okay? But then you're gonna take a selfie and you're gonna send it to her to make it look like you did it yourself.
Oh, thank you.
That's brilliant.
What do I owe you? Oh, no, brother, look, look, this is bigger than money.
Okay, we're not just rebuilding a wall.
We're rebuilding a man.
I'm gonna teach you everything.
I should not be tearing up, should I? No.
'Cause you know, if you do, then I might.
- Right? - Yeah.
-And we gotta stay strong, right? -Yeah.
- It's man time! - Yeah.
- Man time! - Man time! -Now follow me into the bedroom, man.
-Okay.
We're the smart ones, right? Day after an earthquake.
Short lines.
I'm just here to get my driver's license photo retaken.
I know, right? And it's so annoying when someone cards you and they look at the picture, and then they look at me, and you know they're thinking, "But you're so beautiful, and that picture is so average.
" (laughing) So, how'd your man act during the earthquake? Oh, he ran to my side and he threw himself over me.
Why would you say something like that? (phone buzzing) (scoffs) Hey, look at this.
So, now he's a man? This does not undo all the screaming, okay? If you're gonna be yelling about the big one in the bedroom, it had better be about something other than an earthquake, am I right? I think it's sweet.
You're oh-for-two, lady.
It's not sweet.
It's sad.
Okay.
"There has been an earthquake, magnitude 6.
2 " Roxie, what are you still doing here? I don't know.
I mean, I should be mercilessly mocking you for being an earthquake captain, and yet, I feel like I don't want to leave you and your stupid ugly vest.
Oh, that's so nice, but I actually don't have time for this right now.
Kevin, I could have died in the earthquake today! Or worse, the guy with the gross comb-over, who lives upstairs, could have fallen through the ceiling and pinned me for hours.
Okay, I've told you before, that's not a guy.
Her name is Candy, and she has Life is too short! And I realize that I haven't always been the sister that I should be, but I wanna change that now.
Oh my God, what is happening to me? Sounds like you're having an epiphany.
The same thing happened to me at Souplantation when I saw them rotate the potato salad.
I realized you can't sit around and wait for someone else to hide the slimy film covering your life.
Girl, you need to rotate that potato salad yo-self.
Oh, my God.
You're right! I am having an epiphany.
This is amazing.
God, I feel like I need to share this feeling with other people.
This says I need to assign injuries to people.
Someone will have to play emergency personnel.
We have to designate a triage area and show people how to use water purifiers.
I mean, is there a shorter practice drill? I don't know, Kevin.
Let's ask the survivors of the great 1906 San Francisco earthquake where we should cut corners.
I think they're all dead.
Exactly.
I'll be first responder.
Ooh! Spinal cord injury.
Hey, I hear you're an actress.
I may need your help with my lines later.
(drawling) And an accent, y'all.
Right.
Oh.
I didn't know you were in here.
- I was just going to - Checking on Brock? Well, yes.
I mean, he is my long-term boyfriend.
Of course.
Of course he is.
We'll leave you to it.
Okay.
Wait.
Did something happen between you guys? You seemed mad at her? No, I'm not mad.
I'm just tense.
Wait.
Why are you tense? Listen, this is post-epiphany Roxie.
You can tell me anything.
I'm totes reliable.
Okay, look.
I haven't told anyone here, but I'm actually looking for a new job.
- (gasps) - Yeah.
I have to find a place to have a video interview with a headhunter at 11:00, so that's why I'm racing through this drill.
Oh, did you just tell me a secret? Oh my God, I think I did.
Oh, we just moved our sib relationship to a new level.
Is there anything else you wanna tell me? No, let's just keep it to the one.
Baby steps.
Okay.
I can do that.
Okay people, you all know what to do.
Let's keep this short and sweet.
The earthquake has started.
Aah! Hmm.
She's actually pretty good.
It's just a drill.
Um, I need you all to get under your desks now.
Great! And the first responders should have arrived by now.
Mmm, probably not yet.
I'd be back at the firehouse making chili.
Everyone loves my recipe.
Fine.
And shaking, shaking, shaking! And the earthquake is over, and you've all survived.
- Congratulations.
- (applause) Great, now head to the stairs.
(on bullhorn) Good job! I will meet you all outside! Okay, first responder is here now.
Ooh, shouldn't have had that last helping of chili.
Speaking of, this scene is gruesome! If this was a 6.
2 thrust fault quake centered in the Valley, 30% injuries, 10% casualties.
Ricky, you have no way of knowing that.
I think Ricky is just trying his best to help and wants to feel appreciated.
I wasn't even aware of that, but you're probably right.
Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
So, now you're talking to me, huh? I haven't been not talking to you.
I mean, we're still friends, Kevin.
You know, I don't have time for this push and pull thing that you do, so I don't do that.
Brock is really gonna find that hilarious.
Fine.
You wanna be helpful? Yes, of course.
I'm a helpful person.
Well, we could use another injury.
So, let's see.
You have a Massive head injury.
So, you should find triage, which is just outside.
I think I would be more helpful if I just Mmm.
Probably can't talk with a massive head injury.
Thank you for broadening your man lessons with me.
There's a lot of stuff to fix around here, and I don't know the first thing about plumbing.
Ah.
No problem, man.
Um You got YouTube here? You took it apart and you have no idea how to proceed? I just impressed Patti.
I do not want to unimpress her.
Shh.
Look, don't worry.
I'm gonna call my guy.
(doorbell rings) I'm Hank.
Brian's guy.
How about the three of us get busy in the bathroom? Kevin: I don't know if you're gonna live.
It's too early to tell.
(on bullhorn) If you are a a first responder, find your injury buddy.
If you are deceased, lay down.
Can we please speed this up?! People are torn about which of my post-epiphany selfies are better.
Ugh.
If only they had my clarity.
Uh, by the way, people couldn't identify what accent I was using, so I settled on a nervous tic.
-I don't see it? -My character's taking meds for it.
It's working.
Kevin: Guess what, Gus? You couldn't be walking around trying to bum cigarettes with a shattered pelvis, could you? Okay, I get it.
You're mad at me.
But I've had my head cradled in Simon's lap for 20 minutes.
Consider your revenge complete.
So, you should put me to work, or I'm going home.
Why would I want revenge? Because I didn't respond to your big speech about how we're destined to be together.
And I'm okay with that.
Then why are you acting like a jerk? I'm a jerk? I'm the guy who let you use my birthday when your lovey-dovey approach to managing the office failed.
I let you stay with me when you were tired of being at Brock's.
I even saved your life.
So, excuse me for bristling every time you say "Brock" - like he's some kind of karate God.
- Jiu-jitsu! Whatever! It's all just barefoot guys in pajamas.
I should be your God.
That last part came out super obnoxious.
And the pajamas thing was even a bit harsh.
What are they fighting about? Who knows.
Whoa.
Did you see it? - What? - I just did the tic.
Almost imperceptible, but yet says so much about my character's stress level of being a first responder.
(gasps) Damn.
Did I turn the chili off back at the station? Look, all of us, everybody here, we all know that you have a boyfriend, okay? I'm not sure you always know.
I don't like the way she talks to him.
Listen to me.
Hashtag empathy, hashtag the new me.
Huh.
We have a gas pipe here.
Sorry, I don't work with gas.
Patti will be home soon.
No worries.
I got a guy.
I'm Hank's guy.
I do gas.
And I brought my electrics guy.
You know, just in case.
Smart.
If only one of them had a belt guy.
This is a big earthquake people! LAX has been destroyed, the Hollywood sign is on fire! Ricky, what are you doing with my bullhorn? And why would the Hollywood sign be on fire? Don't worry about my use of iconic imagery for dramatic effect, okay? Just worry about your big interview.
Wait.
What? How did you find out about that? Hashtag empathy, hashtag the new me.
Oh.
Anyway, I'm just glad Kevin is getting away from her.
What? Is he moving cubicles again? That guy can't keep his ass in a chair.
Oh, no, he's just really smart and talented, and that's why he has a headhunter all over him.
He has a video interview at 11:00 so he can get out of here for good.
Does he? Showoff.
Yeah, those are all pretty strong.
The camera just loves some people.
Not the pictures, the epiphany.
I want one! I don't know if you can want an epiphany.
They have to just happen.
Oh, my gosh.
I never realized that.
I see everything so differently now.
Nope.
That wasn't one.
What is going on around here? Everyone's giving me weird looks, and I did a nipple check already, so I know it's not that anymore.
I don't know.
Do you think your brother would give me his chair when he goes? I noticed his rear makes similar indentations to mine.
Oh, now I know why.
I just told everyone what you told me not to tell anyone that Kevin told you was a secret.
Ricky! Why would you do that? Oh, that's right.
You don't work here.
I'm the totally untrustworthy one.
Ugh.
Woman: Is that your office? This? No, no, no.
I just needed a quiet place.
This is The damage is actually quite minor.
It just looks bad.
Well, we've looked over your resume and we'd love to help place you.
Kev! I'm sorry! -Kev! -Well, I definitely want to hear more.
Kev! Aah! (debris clatters) I'm all ears.
- Whoa.
- (body thuds) Did we fight? No.
No, we've never been closer.
Wait! You told Ricky about my interview.
Yes, yes, old news.
Okay, here's the receptionist.
Be careful 'cause you're wobbling.
Come on, get off of me.
I can check myself in.
Your epiphany is a joke.
Two, please.
Oh, that's handy.
We got a spinal cord! No, no, this is from an earthquake drill.
- He's the one who's hurt.
- Oh.
Yeah, you can take a seat.
He's bleeding! That's why I pointed towards the plastic chairs.
No, no, no no! He's not sitting, you're getting someone.
I need your insurance card.
Where's your wallet? I'm not giving you that.
You're like the least reliable person in the world.
You'd just spend it all on chips.
Okay, you know what? You're being such a baby and so disrespectful about my epiphany.
I was bragging about you.
Okay? That's why I told Ricky.
Because I think you're too good for that place.
Whoa, excuse me! - My son has a fever.
- You can fill this out.
No, no.
No one's filling anything out until my brother gets medical attention.
We were here first.
Do you really want to step between a mother and her cub? Do you really want to see what I can do with my belt and your flip-flop? Because Cara Horvath made that mistake in 10th grade, and she didn't graduate on time.
Ha.
Whoa.
Feeling a bit queasy.
It's probably just the chili.
Did I have chili? Get him a doctor now.
What is going on here? I'm concerned with the stress of waiting in this line is gonna come across in my re-shoots.
Sir, would you like to move up here? What are you doing!? We've been waiting forever.
Although You look like you've been waiting forever forever.
What are you? Like 200? Show a little kindness, would you? Things like earthquakes are supposed to bring out the best in people.
Really? (panting) Oh, that was terrifying.
Oh, my God.
I've thrown my lot in with a coward.
I've been cruel to my baby.
I can't treat him like that and expect a lasting relationship.
I have to change my ways.
(angelic chorus sings) An epiphany! A real one this time! Sir, please, go ahead.
Retake that eye test! I'm going home to my man.
So, they're gonna keep you here overnight.
You really came through for me here.
Thanks.
Yeah, and if you ever want to give me a chance with the whole trust thing again Okay, here it goes.
If they offer me that job in Italy, do you think I should take it? In Italy? You can have my apartment.
But I don't want your apartment without you.
We just started getting close.
See, I changed my Facebook status to in a domestic partnership.
I used to just pretend that I lived alone, and when they would ask, I would say that you were a drifter I let in for a glass of water.
But now You know, the truth is I think I just need a change.
This thing with Audrey's never gonna happen.
The other day, I basically told her that she had feelings for me, and that we were destined to be together, and Anyway, it doesn't matter.
She doesn't even know that I'm here and not there.
Oh, no.
Yeah, she knows.
Everyone does.
I am the god of earthquakes! Tremble before me! Oww.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
So, she knows that I'm here, and she hasn't come.
If that doesn't tell me to go to Italy, I don't know what does.
Kev, listen.
If this thing with Audrey makes you feel like you need to leave, then maybe you should.
I mean, I don't like it, but I support you.
It's your decision.
Thanks.
I really hope you remember how awesome I've been today.
(chuckles) I will.
But I'm totally lucid now.
Hey, did they put out the fire at the Hollywood sign? Patti: Dev? It's Patti! She's gonna see what a failure I am! Everyone in the shower! Aah.
Hey, look, Dev just wanted to prove to you what kind of man he is.
All right? So, we started working on other things, and it just Well, it's kind of like pulling a thread on a sweater.
Ooh, I have a great tailor if you need a guy.
I know that last night I was not a man.
Today I failed you again, so No, Devy, stop.
I'm the one that needs to apologize to you.
I'm sorry I called you a coward.
I don't feel that way anymore.
And besides, a couple only needs one alpha.
And we both know it's me.
Oh, um, look, I've seen this before, fellas.
We're gonna have to be the ones to move on out.
So, yeah, go ahead.
I've got you.
She has a massive head injury! I need a doctor! No, no, no.
How's Kevin? There's no visible signs of trauma? She's fine! Don't you guys get it? These are just stickers! I came to see Kevin.
Is he okay? Why was he in the gym? Did he have to get stitches? You're asking questions like you care.
While, Kevin, on the other hand, does not.
He said he doesn't want to see you.
He said that? Kevin said that? Look, I don't know what your deal is, but you are way too far in his head, and not in a good way.
What are you talking about? I haven't done anything wrong? Oh, right.
Except lead him on in the hugest way? You know, this all started with a love letter right? That he wrote.
Do you, or do you not have a boyfriend? You know I have a boyfriend.
Okay.
Well, then go check on him.
'Cause Kevin's fine.
I do care about your brother.
You know? You can't just have it every which way you want it.
I'm pretty much the only person who can do that.
So, we can do this the easy way, or with my belt and a flip-flop.
Stay away from my brother.
That was weird.
I thought I heard Audrey out there.
Did she come to check on me? No.
No, must have been dreaming.
Huh.
Ugh! Oh, I should have warned you.
That is mostly tequila.